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Victoria Bitter (VB) is an Australian alcoholic brew that was created in 1532 during the Locust invasion of South Australia. Made in the heart of the desolate and nuclear brewery somewhere in Victoria over the years it has established itself as being a definitive Australian icon, responsible for a 99.5% increase in domestic violence and creating a new wave of Wifebeaters.
edit Origins of Victorian Bitter
Though disputed the birthplace of VB beer is North-East of the Sea Of Tranquillity. Fearing the Locust invaders, the locals bought all off the plastic light-sabres at the town post office and used them to ward off predators. After an inbred kid got stabbed in the eye with his own light-sabre, the town hall called a meeting to decide a more efficient scheme to repel the locusts.
34 days and 4 Metallica Ones later the mayor Sir Lord Semenmouth-Shittington ripped his wig off his lower thigh and climbed up the flagpole where he proceeded to viciously swing the fucker round and round while composing "The All Australian Beer Drinking Ditty" that is sung to the tune of "[Old Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree]"
The town had run out of clean drinking water while learning the lines of Sir Semen-Shittingtons new best selling song "The All Australian Beer Drinking Ditty" and had to quickly come up with a solution to disguise the water that was en-fouled with dead locusts and the skin flakes of the elderly before they died of thirst.
Hence the legend of VB had begun.
edit Public Reception
The locals of barbaric outback Victoria liked the taste of this brew as it defined their lust for blood, Palmolive shampoo and feathers from dead cockatoos. Bogan Outback Weekly gave the beer an 11/10 claiming, "I dunno how to count so I may as well do it". Of course, city-siders can't speak yobbo and therefore could not make an informed decision.
During the late 1940's soldiers returning from Beatlemania heard of the brew and ordered a slab to be delivered to the residing government commission flats. An obese postal worker fucked up the job and sent the package out to the wrong person because they were too busy concentrating on their microwaveable noodles and grilled cheese sandwich at the time and accidentally sent the slab to Bert Newton instead.
Bert wasn't very well known at this stage but he was soon to be famous by jumping off the now demolished "Bill-din-cong-sai-woku" whilst drinking VB beer and spent 8.45 months with Satan. Entrepreneurial people cloned the ingredients in the beer which have been a not very well kept secret and it has been a marketing success ever since.
edit Ingredients In VB
- The Three Red Suns Of Equinox
- Locust semen
- iPod batteries
- Dingo Penis
- An Indiana Jones style outback hat
- One hair from the moustache of Sir David Boon
- The armpit sweat of 23 Australian bogans
- John Howard's eyebrow trimmings
There have been many controversial events that may or may not have been started by VB.
- Victoria Bitter is believed to be the cause of the Brixton Riots in England. CCTV from the riots clearly point out that large men insert the can into their anus thus creating a more potent version of the amber brew that is unique with every sphincter mark. 8,712 Taiwanese have been killed attempting this method.
- God invented VB in 1969 according to the Mormons.
Bogans heard of this claim 3rd hand and were outraged, this caused a riot and they burnt all of the churches in Australia except for the ones with closed doors (because they couldn't find a way in) and claimed dominance. The leader was a man by the name of Bob Hawke who wanted an excuse to sleep with a priest in order to extract the juice which gains the privileged immortality.
edit Random Facts
- While feminist groups claim to have a bitter hatred towards VB, they brew their own VB:Vaginal Backwash, in a all lesbian factory run by an ex-nun.
The factory is a decommissioned nunnery that was purchased for the purpose of manufacturing tampons but the owners decided that VB was a more lucrative market.
- School teachers always drink a VB for good luck before class, it's the only way they can stand to be in the same room as the obnoxious children of Australia.
- It is rumoured that some people have converted their Ford Falcons to run exclusively on a mix of VB and cask wine as it is now a more economical way to fuel their car.
- Your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman drinks it!
- Spitting in the beer with bread in your mouth evokes Satan to appear from the stubby bottle and offer you tickets to Led Zeppelin. BUT IT'S A TRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! The tickets are expired!!!
- VB is effective in repelling French people from coming into your house and ordering sandwiches.
- It makes you more attractive to women!
- VB is the cause of global warming due to the huge number of farts a regular drinker of the liquid creates via way of anal expulsion.
- Random wankers