Victoria

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This article is about the Australian state of Victoria. For information on the English Queen see Queen Victoria. For information on the capital city of British Colombia see Hong Kong.

“I'll never surrender this land.”

~ Jacques Chirac on Victoria before defeating the Daleks.

“Victoria is proof Tasmanians can swim”

~ Oscar Wilde on Victoria's Heritage.

Flag of Victoria

WARNING: If you plan to travel to Victoria and you are a race supremicist who hates good Asian food but lives on beer and ciggies alone: AVOID Box Hill. It is full of excellent ASIAN restaurants. Otherwise, AVOID at all costs the local pubs full of boring yobbos claiming how great and "dinky-di" Aussie they are (when in fact the only true Aussies are black, not white imports.

The Most Glorious Supreme Empire of Victoria is a nation located on the south-east mainland of Australia, named after English Spice Girls singer, Victoria Beckham. The first Queen of Victoria was Her Royal Highness Queen Gracie of Me!bourne. Victoria has the highly classified document known as the Victoria's Secret, which only the CIA and Your Mum know about. The Prime Minister of Victoria is ~~Bracksy~~ Brumby and the nation's capital is Malvern.

Victorians apply the derogatory name "Queensland" (pronounced "Queersland")to everything north of the Murray. This includes Indonesians.

The most common greeting among Victorians is, "Would you like an orange?". Visitors should always answer, "No thank you, I already have two."

Victoria is partly owned by the Union of Taxi Drivers, which is comprised of mostly Indians and...more Indians. The Union of Milk Bars and General Stores (made up mostly of Vietnamese and old people with nothing else to do) works closely with the Taxi Driver Union.

[edit] Politics

Through most of the 1990s, Victoria was ruled under the iron fist of Death Kennedy, who was infamous for mass privatisation, reliance on gambling revenue and screwing the education system. Finally in 1998 he lost his position as Premier to Steve Bracksy, who was infamous for mass privatisation, reliance on gambling revenue, speed cameras and screwing the education system. In 2007 Bracksy resigned and was replaced by a gay man, who has quickly become infamous for mass privatisation, reliance on gambling revenue, screwing the education system and outlawing burnouts and fast cars. According to a poll, Victorians list "Choice" as the thing they like the most about their political system.

[edit] Economy

The economy of Victoria consists of two sectors: the production and drinking of "Victoria Bitter", due to the criminal underground. In 1995 an invasion force led by a combined Tooheys New and Fosters army was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo. And also the booming market of criminal underground shootings one of Victoria's biggest exports in the last few years due to the higher volumes of beer being produced.

Due to recent image problems the Victorian Government has decided to change it's name to "The All New Victoria"!! This was done because a lot of radio stations do this when they want to relaunch and because it worked for New Zealand (Formally called "The All New-New Zealand).

[edit] Sport

Victoria's capital, Me!bourne is the home of sport in Australia, home of the Australian open and the Formula One Grand Prix. Some people also consider the late night round ups of Bogans in Melbourne to be a sport. The current win tally is Bogans: 1563, Police: 2.

[edit] AFL

AFL was once VFL, where a big gang of thuggish Melbournians kept beating up a couple of handbag-toting country oiks from Dozy Dell, but since becoming AFL, the Melbournian thugs are themselves been kicked in the proverbials by interstate teams.

Where Victorian teams once made up the majority of the AFL, many teams have either moved interstate or been forced to merge:

The first were the South Melbourne Bloods (Whose arch rivals were the Coburg Crips), who moved home hoods and changed into the much more wimpy-sounding Sydney Swans.
The Fitzroy Lions, due to being even more pov-struck than their home ground location, were forced to merge with the Brisbane Bears, who were also in trouble over their links to Soviet Russia.

As a result of the above merging, the team of Port Adelaide were allowed into the AFL. This led to a small civil war between Collingwood and Port Adelaide over the right to use the name "Magpies": small in duration, in scale (because no other areas of

The other GFC
Australia gave a shit about either of the two sides), and in effect (the damage inflicted to both areas being almost unnoticeable due to both being complete crapholes to begin with). Collingwood won, and so the new team became "Port Power" - the power presumably not being imagination.

An interesting case is the renaming of the Footscray Bulldogs to the Western Bulldogs, which was done in order to expand their popularity to bogans everywhere - however, the non-specific name has also given them bases of support in Western Australia, West Germany, Western Sahara and Da West Side.
The team formerly known as the North Melbourne Kangaroos in the early 2000s shortened their name to just "Kangaroos", in a bold experiment to introduce a completely non-human team into the AFL. The results were unsuccessful as the kangaroos were notorious for jumping over the ball rather than kicking it and also for eating the turf grass and consequently have reverted back to their original name. Recently the Kangaroos have been contemplating moving interstate to the Gold Coast, a proposal which has angered and infuriated their supporters - yes, all six of them.
Geelong had a very successful 2007 season, winning the Grand Final, but were beaten in 2008 by Hawthorn; partly due to the Global Financial Crisis and lack of bribery funds to entice the umpires. (see Right)

[edit] Australian Open

The Australian Open is the grand slam of the Asia-Pacific region, and serves a very good purpose on Australian television filling the voids in between the cricket matches of the summer with women in very short clothes. Oh, did we mention it's a tennis match? Sorry...

Whilst Hewitt is the only player in Australian tennis that anyone actually knows the name of in this country for most of the year, come January every year, we all seem to be experts, especially on the Russian Women's entrants. The Australian Open is Melbourne's best excuse to watch women run around in almost nothing and listen to them moan and make it a tourist attraction at the same time... heck, did I forget to mention this is tennis we are talking about. And sorry for being so repetitive, I did seem to say the same thing in the previous paragraph but I was so busy 'pleasuring' myself at the very thought of watching women in short dresses on TV that my brain blanked out. Is that sad? Am I watching too much TV?

[edit] Thugby Rugby Union

Rugby (also known as touch football)is so mind-bogglingly stupid that it's a wonder it managed to find it's way past the Great Divide (a series of mathematical equations between Melbourne and Sydney that was built in the hopes of stopping the construction of Canberra) but melbourne managed to form a team and dominate the sport. Besides, it's scientifically proven by Oscar Wilde that rugby shorts are shorter than AFL shorts, and besides, who wants a bunch of bears (gay men with muscles) running around in tight undies?

Recently a Victorian rugby team won the championship...premiership... being the best in Australia at rugby. It is believed this only happened so Melbourne could beat Sydney. Victorians only pretended to be interested in Rugby, however Sydney ACTUALLY likes rugby. Idiots.... the people watching TV that is. Hey, wait on, that includes me!

[edit] Notable Schools

Belmont_High_School - Home of Mitchell James Dodds, The fucked up ghoster of 11 purple.
Westbourne Grammar - Received the highest award in overrated education.
Craigieburn Secondary College - What do you get when Broadmeadows meets Roxburgh Park meets Craigieburn? Mass murders and stabbings.
Melbourne High School - Home to Basu, queen of loliness, Tod, who has yet to shutup and mr.Ludowyke (more found on [1]) who is head of Melbourne's current vampire family
Penola Secondary College - located in broadmeadows...nuf said