Baron Victor von Frankenstein
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“It's Fronk Un Steen!”
Victor von Frankenstein was born as Dudley Do Right in 1866. He was born a girl but his parents wanted a boy, so his parents mutilated his vagina. Dudley Do Right watched in horror as his vagina was cut up and turned inside out to become a penis. Watching this was Dudley's main inspiration for science. In 1879 he started getting his boobs, and a local prostitute called him a " Kangaroo Fuck Bitch ". two days later, he randomly changed his name to Victor von Frankenstein. Victor von Frankenstein's early experiments included the so called doll monster, made of the body parts of various children's dolls he had gathered from litter bins and landfill sites. This caught the attention of eminent philosopher and mad scientist Doctor Septimus Pretorius who befriended the Monster and ordered him to kidnap Frankenstein's wife to blackmail Frankenstein into taking part in his experiment to create a bride for the Monster. Once the Bride was created however, she found the Monster repulsive, enraging him and compelling him to murder Pretorius, the Bride and finally himself. Frankenstein and his wife however managed to escape. His wife however soon discovered she was a lesbian and left Frankenstein.
Later, Victor von Frankenstein became famous for creating the world's most prominent moral philosopher in 1931. He was awarded the Nobel in medicine in 1933 for his experiments. 1933 was an influental year in Frankenstein's life in another sense, too. When Hitler came to power, Baron von Frankenstein left Germany for France, ending up in the United States after a short political career in Finland. Victor, Baron von Frankenstein died in Philadelphia in 1939 after an experiment had gone terribly wrong. Dr. Frankenstein's goal was to increase his lifespan using electricity. His last words were "I'm alive! I'm alive!"
Best known for his Frankenstein Monster, Victor von Frankenstein was already one of the most esteemed Bavarian scientists when he began with his project to create life from the dead. He robbed graves and morgues with his feeble-minded henchmen, gathering various body parts. He then put these pieces together, missing only the brain. He sent Igor, a hunch-backed little minion of his, to acquire a brain, giving him the permission to use whatever means necessary. Unfortunately, Igor was unable to acquire the brain of Albert Einstein as planned, so he took the one belonging to a movie actor, Boris Karloff. This proved to be a terrible mistake, as the monster, once brought to life, immediately began to terrorize innocent villagers by telemarketing. The monster would spend all night calling people and trying to force them purchase a complete series of the junk compendium, Encyclopaedia Wikipedica. His marketing skills were not too good, however, as a recorded marketing call reveals:
The Monster: "Buy! Good."
Villager: "Hello. Who is this?"
Monster: "Book. Good."
Villager: "I'm afraid I do not understand, Mr...?"
Monster: "Gnrrrrr! Bad!"
Villager: "What the heck was that all about?"
Victor von Frankenstein was invited to Finland to attend the XXIV International Mad Scientist Convention held in Tampere in 1930. Being a madman, he liked the country and decided to settle in it to continue his experiments. He eventually ran for President and was elected following a landslide victory, receiving 50.001 % of the electoral vote. He nominated his monster for Prime Minister to do the dirty work for him. The cabinet, led by an eight-foot-tall monster made from corpses, was highly inefficient. This was mainly due to the somewhat unpolished behaviour of the Prime Minister. As an example, a rare transcript of a Finnish-Soviet summit from the former Soviet Union State Archives:
Vyacheslav Molotov (Soviet Foreign Minister): "Thus, it is necessary that the Karelian question be settled during these two-party talks. I recommend you give the entire territory to us."
Monster (Finnish Prime Minister): "Peace. Good. War. Bad."
Molotov: "I agree with you, Mr. Monster."
Monster: "Commie. Bad!"
Molotov: "Pardon me?"
Monster: "Gnrrr! Molotov commie. Bad! Gnrrrr!"
Molotov: "Hey, wait! What are you doing? Ouch! Help me!"
The Frankenstein Monster was forced to resign following these two-party talks. Victor von Frankenstein did step down, too, thinking his presidential duties were interfering with his scientific career.