Victor's Secret

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“Where else did you think I got all my thongs from?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Victor's Secret
“Where else did you think I got all my thongs from?”
~ Rikishi on Victor's Secret
“These things don't fit!”
“Eve Torres worked here before.”
~ WordGirl on stuff
Wei-Bearded Lady

The President of Victor's Secret, Victor Yeltosky


Victor's wife, disgusted by his choices of models.

Victor's Secret is a Russian based company that produces racy underwear and speedos for men. Due to its surprising popularity, the company is now a multi-national corporation worth almost as much Microsoft. Its ads declare that even you can disgust everyone within eyesite. Victor obviously has no secret.

edit Theory

The majority of overweight men in the United States have decided that no trip to the beach is worthwhile unless everyone else on the beach suffers. But there was just nothing they had to wear to show off their ass, flab, and hair. Suddenly, Victor moved his headquarters to the United States. It turns out that no one in Russia wants to go to a beach. They'd freeze their asses off. Why would they even consider getting a thong? And they obviously didn't need racy underwear to have kids. Speaking of kids, they have to go. The bread's not going to grow itself. Damn famine.


An early model of speedos, this one was just too large for many people's preference.

The poor obese citizans of the United States suddenly had their problem solved! Now they could flash anyone! The idea became so popular, that old people started to buy speedos.

edit Recovery

After the initial flashes, people learned to just look away, and hope that the images weren't burned into their minds forever. Victor, losing sales, released neon colors that could be seen miles away, due to light sensitive chemicals. They also hypnotized people to look at the thongs and speedos, and we were doomed to be blinded forever. Sales that year exceeded all other industries, including food. We are all fucked.

edit Inspiration

People often ripping out their eyes from Victor's work have wondered why the fuck he is so distrurbed.


What the hell is going in with this man's gonads?

Victor was an olympian for Mother Russia in 1962. He wrestled. He lost only once, because people ran away screaming after seeing his outfit. In his losing match, his obese American rival was wearing a thong. Victor is recorded to have said in a gruff, accented voice HOLY FUCK! AT LEAZT I COVERED MY NIPPLEZ! Then he ran away. He realized that there was a posiblity to create costumes like that, and maybe sell them to make a living.

Sumo wrestling

Thongs in popular sports

edit Sex Appeal

It is rumored that having a man-thong will remedy your sex life. No one wants to fuck them as it is. How will showing off rolls of fat, hair, and your ass benefit anyone!?

edit Catalog

What! You want a catalog! Get out of here! Go diet! Go put on a normal bathing suit!

edit What to do if you see Victor's Work

Fat sunbathe

Victor you bastard! Why have you done this to me!

RUN! Blind yourself as you sprint away!! Pray that the images will go away! If they don't, kill yourself! They will never leave you! MY EYES! OH, GOD! MY EYES!!!

edit Related

edit External links

Personal tools