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“A victim is an American who doesn't get what they want”
How to be a Victim
It's pretty easy to be a victim in modern society. If I decide to decorate my garden with large iron man traps, you get to be a victim if you trespass and get your leg severed. If I decide to keep a large, usually friendly dog, you get to be a victim when you break into my house and he eats your arm.
This is widely accepted to be a good thing, as we fight against the pernicious influence of concepts like responsibility.
A major step in this battle was won recently, when a victim from America asked for a hot coffee, was served coffee, and then found it was hot. The court ruled that she was a victim, and she was forced to accept large sums of money.
Following this award her life descended into a vicious spiral of cheap drugs and easy men. In a currently ongoing case, the original court is being sued for making her a victim of being handed money too easily. She is alledgely seeking compensation in the region of $15.2 million dollars.
How not to be a Victim
While "not getting what you want" and "getting what you want" are both perfectly valid ways to become a victim, they do not apply in all cases. Specifically:
- Losing an Election makes you (approximately) 52% victim of corruption, 48% whining loser.
- Losing a war makes you a tyrant
- Exception - Losing a war when you had most stuff makes you a victim of anarchist demonstrators and misinformed public opinion
- Not getting the nuclear weapons you want makes you a favoured trade partner
- Not getting the universal disarmament you want makes you a whining liberal
- Not getting up before midday makes you late for work
- Exception - Not getting up before midday when you are the boss makes you a victim of your hectic schedule