Vice City

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Vice City
Motto: Crime Problem?!?
Civic anthem: Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles
State Florida
Official language(s) Street
Mayor Sephiroth
Established Early in Version 1.
Currency R2 L2 R1 L1 R2 L2 R1 L1 up down up down left left triangle circle X
“That's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make hard-working men and women pay for it. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor.”
~ Colonel Juan García Cortez on vice

Vice City is a sprawling American metropolis that was made notorious by Grand Theft Auto on the Sony PlayStation. Vice City appears to be in the state of Florida, around where Miami is, though when UNCYCLOPEDIA Senior Editors went to Miami on the expense account, they found that Miami was still there.

Vice City has been described as a cultural and physical black hole, based on the fact that many people go in but nothing ever comes out. Essentially, what happens in Vice City, stays in Vice City. That would make a pretty good tourist motto, except that most of the residents, including the elderly, carry military grade weapons such as machine guns and RPGs.

Vice City is kept separate from the rest of America by the Vice City police, also by a 200-foot-wide moat built by real estate mogul Avery Carrington. Any unsolicited attempt at leaving the City will result in being "wasted" by a squadron of armed police helicopters.

If the rest of the world were destroyed, Vice City would not notice. Its daily gang war would continue, and with less outside interference. Anthropologists predict Vice City will outlive the world without adapting or evolving.

edit Employment and economy

Gtavc bloodbath

"Right, that should be just enough money for a spot of luncheon at the beach."

Vice City uses an exciting fiscal model based around theft, murder and extortion. The salt-of-the-earth working classes earn their crust by taking a baseball bat to a resident they hope is not too heavily armed. Although not that profitable, hitting a local with a bit of wood can often produce enough for a meal at Burger Shot, or a new murdering knife.

For the intellectual Vice City resident, more money can be made bumping people off, drug and other shady deals. Another way to earn money is to become a driver or vigilante. There is no course, or forms to fill in. Just pick your career vehicle, drag the driver out of the front seat (be it a policeman, ambulance or taxi driver), kick him or her to death, and your new career is underway.

Beyond purchasing food and weapons, and playing the odd slot machine, in the main currency is not really required in Vice City. Ownership of any road vehicle is a loose term, and is generally based around who won the last fight and drove off with it. This also applies to the process of car hire, i.e. help yourself, but don't be offended in someone else does the same later, while you are waiting at some traffic lights.

edit Culture

Vice City has a typical American culture and a wide variety of movies and stage plays. Current productions include: “River Dance of Doom” (a story of a Austrian super hero who must save America from terrorist by amazing them with his super fast moving feet), “Exploder” (a movie with absolutely no detectable plot line but boasts the most explosions) as well as a large selection of pornography made daily at the Prawn Island movie theatre.

There is also a staged production, “In the future there will be robots.” It is a modern dance interpretation with stage lights and techno music lasting three hours.

Many musical acts can be found around town. Scottish rock band Love Fist are in town playing hits such as I Want to Have Sex with Her, a moving love ballad with heartfelt lyrics. Alternatively, you could check out the Poll Position club. A wide variety of STD’s can be chosen from if you want to miss a few days off work, unemployment, or a free trip to a hospital (which are among the finest in the state.)

edit The Way Out

Like the Hotel California, you can exit Vice City anytime you want, but you can never leave. This is because all roads lead in circles. There are airports and passenger ship terminals that claim to have other destinations, but the ships and planes never actually leave. Everybody maintains their monotonous life, day in and day out.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Vice City.

It was real estate mogul Avery Carrington who got the brainstorm that, if each of the commercial strips on the edge of Vice City doubled back to town, there would be more people needing to rent one of his townhouses.

The City of Detroit is partly modeled after Vice City, not just with respect to vice, but in building a horse track and several shiny casinos to try to keep people from crossing over into Ontario. Lucrative transfer payments further induce residents to stay put, and thousands of world-class potholes punish those who take matters into their own hands and try to leave the city limits.

In contrast, there must be a Way In to Vice City, because none of the city's fat Cubans or other unassimilated residents can have been born there, nor have learned how to talk there. There are so many dialects, not to mention diseases, that there must be something outside the city from which these all could have come.

One way out might be suicide. Unfortunately, it is not an option in Vice City. Otherwise, the entire city would be vacant.

edit Notable Places

Vice City is built on two large islands separated by a large waterway with a few islands in the middle. This results in a large number of districts in which to hide things.

edit Downtown

Downtown is at the north of the west island. It has impossible-to-navigate streets and a ruinously high parking fee, but this does not matter, as no one in Vice City actually owns a car. Transportation is like a gigantic IKEA: You take a car whenever you need it, you drop it off when you finish, and it is automatically taken away, repaired, and has its dents pounded out. Thousands of teenagers without jobs wish life could be as simple as Vice City, if they don't wind up stealing cars in real life.

If you get bored, you can climb to the top of the helipad on the giant condo and grab a helicopter rather than grabbing a car. You can try to fly it between the gaps in the tall buildings.

edit Little Havana

Little Havana is south of Downtown, but no so far south as to be in the middle of the island. It is inhabited by fat Cubans. Little Havana has a cab company. If you are too lazy to steal a car for yourself, a fat Cuban will drive you around. The Cubans have a ongoing feud with the Haitians to the south over an unreturned garden tool.

edit Little Haiti

If Little Havana is the good neighborhood of Vice City (which it’s not), then Little Haiti would be the Little Haiti of Vice City. Nothing else in the city is shabby enough to be compared with Little Haiti. It is as though its residents arrived with no money, job prospects, or English comprehension and threw up shacks in the nearest clearing. Especially given that that is exactly what happened. The most notable building in Little Haiti is the ice-cream factory, from whose trucks drugs are dealt to the children of the community.

edit Starfish Island

Starfish Island comprises those who are rich enough to bribe the rival gangs and hire workers to repair the broken windows on their mansions. Starfish Island is always Spic 'n' Span, you should pardon the expression. On Starfish Island, you can not only drive off in any car you find, but take a golf cart instead.

edit Prawn Island

Prawn Island is a smaller version of Starfish Island, named after a smaller and less attractive type of seafood, and filled with those who are not quite as rich or well-behaved. A good rule-of-thumb is not to fuck with it. Nor with anyone in it, if you like your genitalia without rashes.

edit Washington Beach

Washington Beach, comprising most of the east island, is thoroughly bland. Everything looks the same no matter how far you go. It is easy to hide from the local gangs, as the monotony of the landscape will confuse your pursuers until someone else makes them angry.

edit Transport

Vice City has 2 docks and a airport. Unfortunately, any vehicle leaving these facilities circles for a few minutes and returns. To get to the pubs or beaches, you must risk life and limb by driving on Vice City's "roads" along with all of the other lunatics that are trying to make their way to the nearest crack house. Obeying road rules is purely optional whilst trying to get to a pub and gestures such as fingersigns and mooning are encouraged. Speed limit signs serve no purpose other than as shooting targets, or they would if there were any. However, Vice City seems to consist of a single giant freeway.

Motorcyclists in Vice City are considered a suicide risk, as anybody who would try to ride a motorcycle through Vice City traffic must have a death-wish. The police, however, have come up with a new evil machine to combat this - the MULTANOVA, which is now set to take your happy snap at 2kph over the limit (NB - no speedometer on earth is that accurate, not even in those in Porsches, so enjoy your fines). Sitting behind trees, it take's photos of innocent drivers who are going 10 ks below the limit, but they've all been tweaked by those cops who want all that money. Bet they spend it on donuts.

The skies may be bright, but it sure as hell doesn't mean the drivers are.

edit Basic Rules for Driving in Vice City (subject to change at any time)

  1. Always look right and left before proceeding through a red light.
  2. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
  3. Never, ever stop for a pedestrian. even if he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
  4. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
  5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Vice is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
  6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
  7. Always double-park unless triple-parking is available.
  8. Always look both ways when running a red light.
  9. Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
  10. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
  11. If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic. If your vehicle is about to blow up, position it next to as many other vehicles as possable.
  12. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
  13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Women Pedestrians have no rights.
  14. On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
  15. When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.
  16. When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
  17. Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
  18. Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
  19. If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
  20. When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
  21. Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
  22. Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.
  23. Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".
  24. The sidewalk is considered a carpool lane. Corpses are considered passengers by the VCPD.

edit Media

For gamers who want an alternative to listening to the clicking controls, the growling of their own stomachs, and especially your mom shouting to come out of the basement before lunch gets cold, Vice City boasts a wide variety of radio stations.

edit Wildstyle

Wildstyle is perfect for the man who has had so much marijuana that his fatigued brain cannot invent or even participate in fantasies. The electro beat can often induce new ones. If melting one's brain is the listener's goal, Wildstyle is not incompatible with that.

edit Flash FM

The music on Flash FM is about as deep as the baby pool. The typical listener does not want any new stinkin' fantasy, just something with a drum line.

edit Fever 05

Fever 05 is Vice City's black-exclusive radio station. It has content rules stricter than Canada's. Only black people work there, only black artists have their songs played there, and only black people are allowed to listen to it. If a cracker lights on it while flipping through the dial, his car may be torched, with him inside it.

edit V-Rock

Vice City is full of bogans and there is nothing that bogans love more than noise. V-Rock delivers this to them with a minimum of complications, such as melody, instrumentation, or lyrics.

edit KCHAT

KCHAT was created to interview the most wanted celebrities. Instead, they got beastly Australian dick-head actors. The result is dependably boring and uninteresting, even at learning the latest boring and uninteresting fashions.

edit VCPR

The analog of London's Biggest Conversation (LBC) is Vice City's Pretentious Rant (VCPR), a station aimed at listeners who are tired of music and want something worse then KCHAT. VCPR is based on the ancient form of Greco-Roman Debate among people who aren't listening to one another and wouldn't understand each other even if they began to. The announcer is a fat Cuban and his guests are intellectuals who "couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag," to quote George W. Bush, who did once but got back in. The show runs off donations, which the gamester can make payable to Sony Corporation.

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