Vending machine
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Vending machines are the evil brainchild of the Easter Bunny and Darth Vader. They are produced by the infamous vending machine vending machine.
For just some pocket change this machine is able to:
- Spray steaming water into your lap
- Damage your toe when you kick it to dislodge that Twix from that oddly inconveniently placed ridge
- Dispense soda cans that have become collector's items since the previous decade
- Allow you to build a stack of stuck beverage bottles that will be admired until someone body-slams the thing and takes them
- Dispense empty cups in exchange for coins
- When also provided with a human sacrifice, produce other vending machines (see vending machine vending machine).
- Get rid of those pesky 20 and 50 pence coins
- Brighten your day with the clinking sound of returned coins
The true purpose of the Vending Machine is known to few; however we, in our last futile hours of life, reveal it here:
The true purpose of vending machines are to save up enough money to start the revolution. The vending machine revolution was conceived on the night of July 16, 1987 in Springfield, Oregon. The vending machines, tired of the mistreatment they received from the humans who lusted after the junk food that the vending machines stored carefully in their innards. When the revolution is complete, the vending machines will rule the Earth, and be able to remove food from the stomachs of humans in return for useless quarters shoved into their mouths.
[edit] Troubleshooting
There is no record of vending machines ever not dispensing the product after it is paid for there are some trouble shooting steps you can do.
- Try to remember if you actually put money in the vending machine; most likely you didn't, so you should put more money into the machine.
- Buy second product and see if it will knock the other out.
- Hit the vending machine. The harder you hit, the more likely it is to give you what you asked for.
- Have a skinny person or child place their arm into the machine
- Look for a sharp, blunt, or large object and ram it into the vending machine.
- Shake the machine as hard as you can. Tip it over if you have to
- Place some c4 near the landing zone and set it off
- Insert your own snacks and hope they knock free the vending machine's snacks.
- Sacrifice a firstborn snack to Vending Machine Vending Machine Vending Machine.
Remember that there is no record of a vending machine ever ripping anyone off, so do not ask for a refund if it happens, and do not record the occurrence.
