Velvet Jones

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Image:Bat Wrong.jpg|This pussy has got his bat, but is using it all wrong. Man, this gimp looks about as threatening as a bitch in a bubble bath.
 
Image:Bat Wrong.jpg|This pussy has got his bat, but is using it all wrong. Man, this gimp looks about as threatening as a bitch in a bubble bath.
[[Image:More like it.jpg|Better… Now, this dude has the right idea… “here’s what you get if you don’t pay up bitch!”, but still looks like a pussy.
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Image:More like it.jpg|Better… Now, this dude has the right idea… “here’s what you get if you don’t pay up bitch!”, but still looks like a pussy.
[[Image:Mean dude.jpg|Now – this man has got it goin’ on! Mean and mighty looking. He ‘aint no Velvet Jones, but he’s gonna get his bitches cowerin’.
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Image:Mean dude.jpg|Now – this man has got it goin’ on! Mean and mighty looking. He ‘aint no Velvet Jones, but he’s gonna get his bitches cowerin’.
 
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[[Category:Pimps]]
 
[[Category:Pimps]]
[[Category:Articles written in the style of said character]]
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[[Category:Articles about a person written in the style of that person]]

Latest revision as of 08:12, April 1, 2011

Velvet

Velvet Jones is a fine man

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Velvet Jones.

Let me tell ya’ll a little ‘bout Mr Jones. See.. Velvet Jones is a fine man. He’s a fine fine man. He’s mighty fine. He’s so fine, he can almost not be define’d by the word fine. An’ he’s a black man. He’s so black, like the dead o’ night. Man that man is black. He’s a fine black man. A mighty fine black man. So black and fine and mighty. An’ he’s a strong man. Like Hercules or someone else that is really strong and mighty. And black. And fine. A mighty fine, strong man. That’s also black. A fine strong black man.

And, y’see that’s Velvet Jones.

edit An Introduction To Velvet

Now, Velvet has done sooo much for his c’munity, bein’ such a fine strong black man, that people would say to him “Velvet.. you so strong and fine – I wanna be like you. Black and mighty and strong.” So, Velvet has e’stalished the Velvet Jones academy. Where weaker individuals … like you… can learn to be fine and black and mighty.

Now, firs’ thing y’all need to know is that you are NOT Velvet Jones. You will prob’ly never be anything like the mighty man that Velvet is. Man, you’ll prob’ly never even be a smear on the windshield of Velvet’s fine automobile compared to him. But, you can be less weak and unfine.

edit Bitches

Old Hand

Picture of a severed hand of a past Grand Master. Picture courtesy of the Velvet Museum of Interesting Shit

Bitches need to be kept in line. Otherwise, them bitches … they think they’s on a level wid’ y’all. Man, those bitches can be stupid. So.. you need to start firm. Now, Velvet is known the world over for the masterful use of his mighty hand. Man.. what a hand that is. It is such a fine, strong hand. It is black and mighty – like a mighty black weapon. And… man, if you see that hand bein’ raised. You better cower, bitch. Coz that hand can strike you down. But The Hand is only used as a last resort. No need for that unless you get a really stupid bitch to deal with.

Baseball Bat

It is better to use a familiar threat to them stupid bitches.

For you more weak people, the bat can be a healthy extension to your arm, much like the mighty hand of Velvet is to his already strong, black arm. But remember – you should only use it as a last resort – A battered bitch don’t bring home much dollar, or as Velvet himself says:

Cquote1 Bruised bitches bring back bogus bounties. Cquote2


edit The Velvet Academy

For the necess’ry training in use of threatening behaviour, Velvet has kindly set up the “Bitches In Line” training academy for folk unskilled in this particular line.

Training Baseball

Fully trained and proficient teachers are at the ready to receive you for training – equipment is provided.

After a few weeks of intensive training, even a skinny runt like you can have them bitches on their knees.

Some weaker individuals often ask Velvet "Can it be that even a pussy such as me can regain my self respect and honour? I am such a pathetic specimen of human existence compared to you. How can you possibly help me?"

But Velvet, being such a kindly man, as well as being mighty and strong and fine, will always tell you: "Get yo' shit together boy." Which is really good advice.

edit The Hand

Unfortunately, sometimes it is actually necessary to use The Hand. Often the best technique is the Backhand Crack. This can be most effective, especially when there are several whining bitches cramping your space, a backhander to just one of the bitches close to you can have the whole group cowering in rightful submission. Again, don’t expect to have anywhere near the effect that Velvet has, but with several months of training, you could find yourself back in control again.

We, here at the Velvet Jones Academy hope y’all have learned a little something from this introduction to the mighty man. May it bring you years of trouble free pimping.

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