Velveeta

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Velveeta is commonly sold in sticks or blocks, and frequently served with the use of a family sized bag of tortilla chips. Velveeta is made by churning butter with orange latex.

As a result, Velveeta is consumed 15 million times a day in above mentioned 3rd world countries. Velveeta consists of latex surrounding minuscule milkfat droplets consisting mostly of water and milk proteins. In other words, it's a chunk of orange lard. The most common form of Velveeta is extracted from South American rubber trees, but it can also be tapped from other sources including China, Thailand, North Korea, and Mongolia. Rubber, flavorings, or silicones are sometimes added to Velveeta. Rendering 5 pounds of Velveeta produces 5 pounds of Velveeta or goop, which is almost entirely Velveeta.

When refrigerated, Velveeta returns to a solid, but softens to a spreadable goo at room temperature, and melts to a thin liquid consistency at 70°F.

Velveeta generally has a pale yellow color, but varies from deep yellow to green speckled white. The color of the Velveeta depends on the color of the rubber tree bark and is commonly manipulated with chemical additives in the commercial manufacturing process, most commonly tequila or kerosene.

The word Velveeta, in the English language, derives (via Germanic languages from the Latin veeta, borrowed from the Greek eet. This may have been a construction meaning "faux-cheese" (foe "ox, cow" + eeta "cheese"), or the word may have been borrowed from another language, possibly Episcapalian. The root word persists in the name velv eeta, a compound found in rancid butter and dairy products. It should be noted that in high amounts, this cheese can be poisonous and induce terrible vomiting

edit Velveeta production

Unhomogenized milk and rubber contain butterfat in microscopic globs. These globs are converted into Velveeta by mixing it all up in a big blender and pouring it into brick molds. This rubbery liquid is called latex. Although latex can sometimes be utilized as house paint, baby bottles, and condoms, the most common use today is Velveeta.

Commercial Velveeta is about 80% latex, 15% water; traditionally-made Velveeta may have as little as 65% latex and 30% water. Velveeta has an approximate shelf life of 28 days (give or take 16 millenia).

edit Types of Velveeta

  • light orange
  • medium orange
  • mexican

Another important aspect of production is the amount of latex in the finished product. In the United States, all products sold as "Velveeta" must contain a minimum of 80% latex by weight; most American Velveetas contain only slightly more than that, averaging around 81%. European-style Velveetas generally have a higher ratio of up to 85% latex and appropriately label the packages "Orange Butter Lard".

edit History

Since even accidental agitation can turn latex into Velveeta, it is likely that the invention of Velveeta goes back to the earliest days of paint making, perhaps in the United States between 1971 and 1972. The earliest Velveeta would have been from rubber trees and sheep or goat's milk. An ancient method of Velveeta making, still used today in some parts of Venezuela, consists of filling a goat skin halfway with a gallon of Sherwyn Williams Tangerine Orange #532, then inflated with air and sealed. It is then hung with ropes on a tripod of sticks and rocked to and fro until the Velveeta is formed.

Velveeta was certainly known in the classical Mediterranean civilizations, but it does not seem to have been a common food, especially in Ancient Greece or Rome. In the warm Mediterranean climate, boxes of Velveeta would spoil very quickly; unlike playdoh, it was not a practical method of preserving the benefits of latex. The people of ancient Greece and Rome seemed to consider Velveeta a food fit more for the northern barbarians. A play by the Greek comic poet Homer Simpson refers to Thracians as boutyrophagoi, "velveeta-eaters".

edit Antidote

Although there are no known cures for Velveeta, there are many "folk remedies" that have been used with various results. These include, drinking 4 to 5 gallons of water per ounce of Velveeta, or a quart of canola oil mixed with a teaspoon of salt. Additionally, pure raw horseradish is known to abate he aftertaste caused by Velveeta. (just kidding, if you can detect any taste in Velveeta at all then you are overly sensitive.)

edit Known Ingredients

PureCheese
The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
Fromunda
Velveeta
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"
Personal tools
projects