Velociraptor

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Nuvola apps importantOH F*CK! IT'S SPRING
It's April! It's SPRING! As we all know, Spring is the time when Velociraptor activity is at its highest. Make sure you are prepared!
Velociraptor
Velociraptor 1
Scientific classification
Kingdom Lithuania
Phylum Death Raptor
Class Of Scary Things
Order They won't take yours
Family It will kill yours
Genus Not quite, but still very smart.
Species Annihilation
Binomial name
NCC1701D
Specifications
Health 5653
Mana Over 9000
Strength 653
Intelligence 2D10 + 2
Weight 200kg (440 lbs)+ 7
Length Varies depending on sexualality

The Velociraptor is a pickup truck-sized bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bares a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs; this enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, which the Velociraptor uses to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal kill shot. The Velociraptor should not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks, but due to global warming, are now being seen all over the world in large numbers. Raptors are known for their highly coordinated hunting packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their effort to bring about the end of humanity in December 2012, the fact that they can open doors, as well as their failed attempt to destroy humanity using Y2K. Raptors are known to also have an interest in controlling public education, perpetuating the myth that the Velociraptors have been extinct for 65,000,000 years. Not true.

Origins

A skeleton of a Velociraptor was found in Mongolia during the search for Troy, suggesting dead Velociraptors inhabited that area at one point in time. It is not known where the Velociraptors with skin lived, though. It is also known to be found in Western Pennsylvania attics.

Nobody But Satan really knows or cares where exactly these creatures came from, or how they were created. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that the Velociraptor hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by Velociraptors. Other academics support what they call the "Batman Theory" of Velociraptor creation; this suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and subsequently invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created Velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born.

Yet another, slightly more plausible theory, states that the Velociraptor was created by a rich billionaire with nothing else to do. The Velociraptor subsequently escaped, and has been roaming the world ever since. None seem to know from where the trench-coats originate, though some suggest that Hitler might have presented them to the Velociraptor, in a bid to avoid being eaten. It didn't work; der Führer is dead, and he most likely resulted in mild indigestion (Coincidentally, avoid dressing up as Hitler, as Velociraptors don't care much for indigestion).

A final alternate theory is that Raptors never went extinct but secretly rule the world by impersonating humans. These include Raptor Jesus, Raptor Napoleon, Raptor Hitler, Raptor Pope, Raptor Batman, Raptor Hillary Clinton, & Raptor Obama.

Fish seem to be immune to the attacks of a Velociraptor. This suggests some sort of link between the two species, as does the similar resilience possessed by the Australians.

Lt herbas
The Lithuanian State Emblem. Original slogan of the republic: "Accessories not included."
Though Velociraptors can be found about the globe due to population dispersion, the highest recorded Velociraptor density per square kilometer (a unit of measurement represented by VD/sq km when calculating physics) is in the Velociraptor's adopted home kingdom of Lithuania. In a futile attempt to gain some semblance of peace with their vicious co-inhabitants, the Lithuanians adopted a state emblem featuring the Lithuanian breed of Velociraptor. It was a nice attempt, Lithuania, but nothing can appease the Velociraptors (we are sorry for your losses).

Safety

A Velociraptor will attack you, either on the street or in your own home; their preferred method is to wear disguises: trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers are among the favorites. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or the promise of ultimate domination over the galaxy as this is probably a Velociraptor. It is also advisable to equip your children with crowbars and/or tire irons if they walk to school so that they have a proper line of defense and to meet their bus drivers to make sure that they aren't Velociraptors trying to snag what they call a "Happy Meal."

Veleeeo

As a Velocirator's rectum is constantly inflamed due to inadequate chewing of its prey, Velociraptors are usually quite cranky. However, offering Velociraptors human medication such as Preparation H and Vagisil is not advisable as they are immune to these medications' effects. In fact, if you don't believe us, celebrated biologist Henry Poppendeimer once presented a tube of Preparation H to a Velociraptor as a peace offering when it cornered him in a phone booth, and he was immediately savaged along with the aforementioned tube before being eaten whole, leaving only a quickly scribbled note behind explaining what had happened to him.

Velociraptors are notoriously speedy; the average Velociraptor is capable of accelerating at 4m/s2 and will reach its maximum velocity of 25m/s mere seconds after the chase has begun[1]. It is also known that the Velociraptor is capable of opening doors. When in pursuit, a Velociraptor will take five minutes to open the first door, and for each subsequent door thereafter, will halve the time it took before (the second door will take two and a half minutes, the third will take one minute fifteen seconds, and so on)[2]. They do, however, find great difficulty in ascending or descending staircases; due to their size, a Velociraptor can climb only short distances at any one given time. It has been suggested that a Velociraptor is capable of flight, though sources differ on this claim.

The Velociraptor hunts in groups[3], usually consisting of three of the raptors.

The only known natural predator of the Velociraptor is the echidna; in ancient times, some found it a mild repellent, and quite fashionable, to wear an echidna on one's head.

Things Velociraptors Hate

Velociraptors dislike many things that human society and culture might otherwise approve of; it is up to the individual at this point (society is too far gone to be saved) to protect themselves by avoiding, as best as possible, all of the following (and other similar items, as personal intuition goes):

  • Chuck Norris.
  • GOTO statements.
  • Being eaten.
  • People who mock their intelligence (who most likely will get eaten).
  • Being shot.
  • Being eaten by Chuck Norris.
  • Poor grammar (avoid saying "I will eatify you;" it will get you eaten).
  • Koalas.
  • Peanut Butter
  • Amber. Like, the crystal
  • Tire Irons
  • Disney Films
  • Text Lingo i.e. cuz, ppl, h8, u
  • Laughter.
  • Happiness.
  • Bruce Lee.
  • You.
  • Small children's laughter.
  • Purple URLS
  • People who aren't really as cool as they think they are. The velociraptors will show you how cool you aren't.
  • Mr.Kilmon
  • Elmo
  • Microwaves
  • Chicken Nuggets
  • The country of Jordan
  • All Apple Products
  • Running
  • Compies
  • Twilight
  • Lisa's Bakery and Delicatesent.
  • Wangsters (they'll be the 1st to go, seeing as they don't know how to wear their pants, they'll most likely trip, and while they're being viciously torn apart, the rest of us will laugh)
  • People who use q's instead of g's. i.e. niqqa, bitchinq
  • Little Wang...uhh I mean Little Wayne!
  • Accused of throwing bananas
  • opening doors
  • Brittany

Warding off Velociraptors

Certain items are better than others for warding off a Velociraptor. Below is a list of some of the more tried and tested items that have repeatedly been found to be effective against an impending attack:

  • Chuck Norris., as Velociraptors seem to be terrified of Chuck Norris.
  • Holy Bible. Serves as a perfect, unsuspected blunt weapon.
  • Shotgun. The shotgun is the only known predator of the Velociraptor. One should not rely solely on a shotgun, however, as most do not possess the level of skill it requires to successfully shoot a Velociraptor[3].
  • Small Berries. It is unknown why Velociraptors fear small berries such as blueberries, choke cherries, and boysenberries, but we're not complaining as it is far easier to come up with an excuse why you are carrying a bag of blueberries to a police officer than it is to explain the shotgun you're holding.
  • T-rex. Raptors hate tyrannosaurus and will run in fear. However it is not the best way to ward raptors away due to the fact the T-rex might eat you!! This has happened f(x)=62x^3+39x^2+YELLOWx+9 times in history.

Avoiding an Attack

3 raptors about to feast
Velociraptors fancy large prey; if you are obese and find yourself surrounded, well face it; you're screwed.
Because they are far smarter than any human could ever hope to be, Velociraptors have managed to overcome the 65 million year extinction barrier, and any geographical or ethnic barriers previously imposed upon them. Therefore, it is highly important that one must know how to best protect his or herself against attack. The following are several steps that should be observed in order to ensure continued survival, no matter how many seconds 'continued' entails:
  • Avoid going into the long grass; just like Pokémon, Velociraptors can appear in the wild and when you are least expecting them.
  • Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might just save your life. Though most likely it will not.
  • France surrendered to the Velociraptors, so don’t bother go there; the French are of no use against a Velociraptor.
  • Refrain from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. Regardless, this is called bestiality, and is frowned upon by society.
  • Wear clean underwear at all times (though this should already be a normal request).
  • Never, ever find yourself more than twenty feet from a tire iron.
  • Know the kill spots of a Velociraptor.
  • Stay out of the tall grass.
  • The only way to lose a Velociraptor while running is to do the Hammer Slide Movement... It's rumored that the Moonwalk also works, but after MJ passed, we recommend to reconsider the Hammer Slide.
    • As a side note, MC Hammer is offering free Hammer Slide Courses on YouTube.

Perhaps your best bet for avoiding a Velociraptor attack is to stay with a group of a hundred, make lots of noise, and outrun all of your companions.

Finally, you need a weapon. Velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a military shotgun, e.g. SPAS-12, or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the 3 second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out. And finally NEVER EVER USE ZOMBIES, But Homer Simpson will keep them occupied for a few months.

Protecting the Home

The next step is to velociraptor proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked. In fact put 6 locks on, and leave 3 unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks, they will always be leaving 3 of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful, however they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks.

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks[1]:

  • Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then 8 inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
  • Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
  • Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember; "You should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron".
  • Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
  • Velociraptors are really flipping scary.
  • Grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repelant, but is yet to be proven. Use this method only at your own risk.
  • Don't answer the door to anyone saying weird growling noises and drooling as they are possibly, just may be, raptors.
  • They love being really rude by wearing knickers and bras to the houses of parliament.
  • Wire your doorbell up so that both sides are outside. They will get really annoyed. Actually, DON'T DO THAT!!!
  • NO, SERIOUSLY!!!
  • I AM NOT JOKING! DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!
  • Never let your grass grow over 1.5 m. or you might receive the Pokemon effect. This is not something that is beneficial to your well-being.
  • Make sure your hallway is electrified just in case it breaks in.
  • Install different kinds of doors in each room, that will give you some time to run.
  • You can train your dog to imitate an echidnae.
  • Living on an island will not protect you; dinosaurs can swim (yes, even The big heavy ones).
  • Don't go to islands owned by millionaires.

It is a well known fact that one should not invite a Velociraptor to one's cookout. They will come over, eat all of your steaks, drink all of your beer, and then leave, taking all of your hot babes with them. Yeah. They went there.

Danger Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about Velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared October to be National Velociraptor Awareness Month.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of Velociraptor activity (spring). The gay community holds a special day each April known as "Day of Silence". As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid Velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of Velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution. Always remember:

  • Don't look at its legs as they don't like gays.
  • Cavemen and Protoceratops are their favorite food, so keep one on hand.
  • Never mistake them for fish fingers.
  • A King of Siam is the only known person to tame one. He said, "They love ice-cream and water parks, especially when they can skip queues."
  • Lining your floors with big macs is a common precaution, becuse they don't like liver lard (this is also why you should always go to McDonald's for fast food).
  • Velociraptors are known enemies of the Tyrannosaurus, if you can get the services of King T-Rex (or Chuck Norris), you will not regret it.
  • the preferred weapons for taking down a velociraptor are nukes, Heavy machine guns, shotguns, laser cannons and a giant sledgehammer.

Velociraptor Awareness Day

Velociraptor Awareness Day
Nevar forget.

Every year, the 18th of April is Velociraptor Awareness Day. It is a day created to remember those who have already been killed in Velociraptor attacks; but, more importantly, it is a day to raise alertness as to what one can do to protect oneself.

Velociraptor Experiments

There haven't been many experiments on this terrifying species (on account of their sharp teeth and their out smartinating abilities) I have only come across three (not counting how many times they did it and failed horribly.)

  • Jurassic Park
  • Bunny+Velociraptor cross-hares experiment

The people of Lithuania tried to appease the Velociraptors and honor the Jesus Raptor on Easter but the people of LIthuania's comprehension is extremely low so they crossed a raptor with a bunny, calling it Easterus Bunnysaurus. But what they didn't know is that in the spring the raptors activity is the highest. The raptors were very gracious of this token and thanked the scientists by making them into a sandwich (just kidding. the raptors don't thank anyone that is why they lack in manners.) Luckily as a safety protocol the Bunnysaurus can't breed with other raptors. So we are safe from the raptors, for now. (The raptors are attempting to make a Bunnysaurus 2 because one power of the bunnysaurus is to lay chocolate eggs, and Chuck Norris hates chocolate eggs.)

  • Mr.Winkle Finger's expo. (the raptors did not enjoy his name. Do not say it out loud for raptors have great hearing and you run a high risk of being eaten)

Back in 1999, December 31 at 11:59 pm a rift opened up in the time vortex and sent a rabid flock (or a more correct term is a nightmare) of Pegasus flew right into one of Mr.Winkle's Magnetic generators causing the nightmare to have instant vertigo (a pegasus only weakness) where Velociraptors waited (because raptors never sleep) causing an instant DNA fusion. Since Velociraptors don't experience vertigo, because all of what they're seeing is right, they have no weakness. Since then the scientist has been able to ween out out hundreds out pegasus through a gap in the o-zone which many scientists have wrongly made an incorrect assumption that it is from pollution.(They originally got this idea from having coffee with men who have an interesting complexion and tend to wear trench coats and fake mustaches.) Since then there has been a group against his cause called

Raptorwoods
Another witty remark made by those creepy fuckers.
  • People
  • Against
  • Pegasus
  • Velociraptor
  • Breeding

Their Motto is: "Criticize us when you can pronounce our acronym!" nobody really knows where that term originates from. They have an underground building in WA DC their cover-up name is the Free Masons, where they have been able to forge documents since the early seventeen hundreds.

Raptor Jesus

Main article: Raptor Jesus

Philosoraptor

Main article: Philosoraptor

External links

American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention - helpful info for preventing Velociraptor attacks

References

  1. "xkcd: Substitute," Question #1 (http://xkcd.com/135/)
  2. "xkcd: Substitute," Question #3 (http://xkcd.com/135/)
  3. 3.0 3.1 "Is Your Home Safe From a Velociraptor Attack?" (http://purpleslinky.com/offbeat/is-your-home-safe-from-a-velociraptor-attack/)
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