Velociraptor

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Velociraptor
Kingdom	Magnolia, whoops, i mean Mongolia
Phylum	Death Raptor
Class	Demonica
Order	Order of Scary Things
Family	It will kill yours
Genus	Not quite, but still very smart
Species	Grunt from Halo you dum ass
Binomial Name	NCC1701D
Primary Armament	Pirahna fish
Secondary Armament	The Arbiter
Power Supply	Your mum
HP:	500
Mana Points:	Over 9000
Strength:	750
Intelligence:	450
Weight	Varies
Length	Varies
Special Attack	Resistant to Australians.
Conservation Status	Very Very Common

Contents 1 Know the enemy 2 Velociraptors and cookouts 3 Essential facts 4 Safety around Velociraptors 5 New Home Buyer Tips 6 Origins 7 Danger Awareness 8 Surviving a velociraptor attack

[edit] Know the enemy

The Velociraptor is a bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail and can be distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long and low skull, with an upturned snout. It bores a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs. This enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, used to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal kill shot. The Velociraptor should not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands, converted to millionaire amusement parks, but are, due to global warming, commonly being seen all over the world. Raptors are known for their highly coordinated hunting packs and unusual intelligence as evidence by their effort to bring about the end of humanity in December 2012 as well as their failed attempt to destroy humanity using Y2K. Raptors are known to also have a controlling interest in school children (especaily females with big breast), a fact they have used to great advantage to perpetuate the myth that they've been extinct for 200 years. by the way if any dumbass tries to approch one let me tell you something my little friend the Velociraptor will no doubt rape you both analy and any other way possible

HA HA HA

[edit] Velociraptors and cookouts

It is a well known fact not to invite raptors to your cookouts. They will come over, eat all your steaks, drink all your beers, then leave taking all your hot babes with them. They are big fat jerks like that!

[edit] Essential facts

• Velociraptors are accredited with the assassination of Adolf Hitler and killing the Jews.
• Velociraptors themselves are said to be outstanding cooks. Of course, these claims were made by Gordon Ramsay, therefore they must be true.
• Velociraptors have no natural enemies, aside from possibly echidnae. An echidna can be used as a last-resort defense mechanism if thrown at a velociraptor's eyes. This seems to deter them somewhat.
• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate up to 40000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

m/s2, with a top speed of 25000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 m/s on open terrain, 1000000000000000000 m/s while wounded, or in an indoor laboratory.

• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.
• While Velociraptors prefer to (sexually) attack young children and 30-50 year-old virgins, they will not hesitate to kill and possibly eat any and all members of the public.
• Velociraptors are believed to be behind the Nigerian porn that has been circulating around the internet.
• You are vulnerable to velociraptor attacks if you don't close your parentheses.
• Velociraptors were responsible for 9/11.
• Velociraptors are always your enemy, always.
• Velociraptors cannot be stopped by Chuck Norris, no questions asked, NONE (Nor can they stop him).
• Your best bet is to be in a group of 100, make lots of noise, and realize that they are dying for the greater good while you run away and leave the rest to die.
• There is small group of elite people which are friends with velociraptors...
• Velociraptors are currently the 3rd leading cause of death in America, after zombies and hard fucking.
• When bitten by zombies, velociraptors become more deadly and gain the ability to breath fire, grow wings, and get very aroused. they are better known as dragons.
• Velociraptors are known to consort with terrorists.
• Velociraptors are able to open doorknobs, making this their only true human skill other than murder.
• Unsafe experimentation on velociraptors may or may not lead to dismemberment.
• Velociraptors caused AIDS.
• Velociraptors ate and burned Joey's house. They are also known for killing Barney.
• Weapons of mass destruction, such as the ones on Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas may help but this is not a guarantee.
• Velociraptors killed Michael Jackson. He talked about fight club.
• Adam was created through a Velociraptor rib, so they hold an ideological resentment of humanity.
• Velociraptors don't believe in evolution. They aren't related to chicken. Or any kind of bird... except for the crows, those guys just seriously kick ass.
• Velociraptors founded "Godzillizim"; they hold that Godzilla created Chuck Norris.
• They hate midgets. Especially gay midgets. So don't hang around with Ben Stiller.
• Velociraptors aren't vulnerable to human diseases, so do not use biological weapons. See for Swine Flu N1H1 for more information.
• The one person that velociraptors will spare is Tom Felton. Everyone else dies.
• Velociraptors never lose "the game".http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game)
• They mostly work at concentration camps and are experienced with various types of gases and delicious meats.
• Velociraptors train by playing (call of duty modern warfare 2)
• Arnold Shwartzenager was trained by velociraptors
• MasterChief can kill them with energy swords and Spartan Lasers
• Music By Depeche Mode cant kill them *They like gay porn

[edit] Safety around Velociraptors

Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; their preferred method is to wear disguises such as trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy. Several safety precautions that one can take include:

• Never, ever being more than 20 feet away from a tire iron.
• Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips.
• Driving around in an armored personnel carrier.
• Keeping an echidna somewhere on you at all times. Possibly strapped to your head as a spiky helmet.
• Velocirapters dont like gays.
• Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on Velociraptors.
• Wearing clean underwear at all times, which is a normal request by society.
• Always have a full bucket of KFC chicken to distracted it.
• Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. This is called bestiality and is frowned upon in all societies.
• Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool.
• Keeping an Orange Traffic Cone from Home Depot near you at all times.
• Note that Velociraptors WILL BE ABLE TO SEE YOU if you stand still. Keep a cloaking device handy at all times.
• France surrendered to the Velociraptors, so don’t go there. The French are of no use against the Velociraptors.
• Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might save your life.
• Your best bet is to run with a group of 100, make lots of noise, and outrun all your companions...
• DON'T go into the long grass, just like Pokemon, velociraptors will spring-attack.
• The only known predator of the velociraptors is the shotgun; be sure to have one around at all times.
• Always fart in it's face as a sign of respect, at a 90C* Angle.
• Please note that you CAN NOT KILL THEM WITH ZOMBIES, FOR THE LAST TIME!!!
• They don't like being eaten or bad grammar so DON'T say "I will eatify you" and try to bite them.
• They enjoy listening to rock music, Gordon Brown, and having McFlurrys. All bad habits.
• They are very fast but will always enter a vodka drinking contest.
• Don't slap it with a fish- you might make it angry.
• They never take £200 when they pass go. They have no need for money but will take yours.
• Don't laugh at it, it might take offence...
• The safest place to hide is in a video game. Preferably not one with Velociraptors in it.
• They will also eat there own poo SO DON'T HIDE IN IT YOU, FILTHY EGG FACED F*CK.
• If you are confident enough, you can pull them into to a Break Dance Contest. That's your only hope.
• Is rumored that Velociraptors can fly, so by aware of your head...
• The only way to advantage a Velociraptor while running is to develop the Hammer'Slide Movement... It's rumored that the Moonwalk also works, but after MJ passed, we recommend to reconsider the Hammer Slide.
• MC Hammer is offering Hammer Slide Courses on Youtube.
• Do not ever pull your pants down, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE MALE!!
• Always keep a Chuck Norris action figure with you at ALL TIMES. Velociraptors are terrified of Chuck Norris.
• Fat men and boys are likely to get raped by a sexually aroused velociraptor.
• They can get into your car jerk
• They Are sexulay attracted to Homer simpson

[edit] New Home Buyer Tips

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks^[1]:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then 8 inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember; "You should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron".
• Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
• Velociraptors are really flipping scary.
• Grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repelant, but is yet to be proven. Use this method only at your own risk.
• Don't answer the door to anyone saying weird growling noises and drooling as they are possibly, just may be, raptors.
• They love being really rude by wearing knickers and bras to the houses of parliament.
• Wire your doorbell up so that both sides are outside. They will get really annoyed. Actually, DON'T DO THAT!!!
• NO, SERIOUSLY!!!
• I AM NOT JOKING! DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!
• Never let your grass grow over 1.5 m. Or you will receive the Pokemon effect. Which is not good.
• Install different kinds of doors in each room, that will give you some time to run.
• You can train your dog to imitate an echidnae.
• Don't live on an island veloceraptors can swim

[edit] Origins

Nobody really knows where these creatures came from, or how they were made. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that they hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by velociraptors. Other academics support the Batman theory. This suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created the velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born. Strangely, these coats never require dry-cleaning.

Another, more reasonable theory, is that they were created by a rich billionaire who had nothing better to do. They subsequently escaped, and have been rampaging around the world ever since. No-one knows where the trench-coats come from though some suggest that Hitler gave them so they would not eat him. It didn't work, so he is dead and he gave them indigestion. So dress up as him and you will be safe... maybe.

Fish Seem to be inume to veloceraptor attacks so they may be relaited

[edit] Danger Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about Velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared September to be National Velociraptor Awareness Month.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of Velociraptor activity (spring). The gay community holds a special day each April known as "Day of Silence". As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid Velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of Velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution. Always remember:

• Don't look at its legs as they don't like gays.
• Cavemen are there favorte food, so keep one on hand.
• Never mistake them for fish fingers.
• A pikachu will naturally eat there legs as a mistake for chicken drumsticks, so just don't look.
• A King of Siam is the only known person to tame one he said "They love ice-cream and water parks, especially when they can skip queues."
• lining your floors with big macs is a common precaution, becuse they dont like liver. that's why you should always go to mcdonalds.

[edit] Surviving a velociraptor attack

Because they are far smarter than you could ever hope to be, velociraptors managed to overcome the 65 million year extinction barrier, and any geographical barriers. Therefor, it is obviously important to know how to best protect yourself against attack (DUH!). There are several steps that must be undertaken to ensure continued survival, no matter how many seconds 'continued' defines.

First and foremost. KNOW YOUR FOE. Velociraptors are fast. They can accelerate at 4m/s², and have a top speed of 25m/s. Running will only buy you precious seconds. As already mentioned, velociraptors are able to open doors. It takes them a considerable amount of time to open the first door, but each subsequent door after that velociraptors are able to open faster, as they get more practised. However quick these predators may seem; they are small, and can only climb short distances.

The next step is to velociraptor proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked. In fact put 6 locks on, and leave 3 unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks, they will always be leaving 3 of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful, however they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks.

Finally, you need a weapon. Velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a military shotgun, e.g. SPAS-12, or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the 3 second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out. And finally NEVER EVER USE ZOMBIES, But Homer simpson will keep them occupied for a few months.

KILLING Velociraptors

Get the world leaders in one place and royal crystals will finish them off (about bloody time)