Vegemite

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No sign of Rose Cheek
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vegemite.
“Made from Beer, No seriously! It's made from beer.”
~ Another smart guy on Vegemite
“It's spreadable beer! a fucking gift from god!!.”
~ Australians on Vegemite
“Why is there shit on my toast?”
~ Unaustralians on Vegemite
“So, i just spread it on about an inch thick, with no butter, is that right?”
~ American learning what not to do with vegemite

Vegemite is a term coined by members of the vegetarian movement. It takes its name from the town of Vegem, destroyed by a vengeful Old Testament God for the crime of using yeast-extract as a bum-sex lubricant. When spoken, it must be accompanied by a raised fist to ward off evil vegetable consumers.

Vegemite is also used as an Australian brand of axle grease. Typically sold in two pound jars, it is noted for its powerful abilities as a lubricant and its pleasant odour. Users should take care as it can dissolve latex. A common side-effect of Vegemite consumption is Rose Cheek, although the official claim that "It puts a rose in every cheek" is widely disputed.

Despite common assumptions that "it just grows on trees", Vegemite is actually mined from the ground. Outback Australia has dozens of Vegemite mines, and most Vegemite miners come up with cases of "Rose Cheek" after prolonged exposure.

The British equivalent, Marmite, is a much lighter petrochemical product, being sump oil rather than axle grease. This is related to the colder weather in Britain, and British cars having much smaller engines on average than the Australian equivalents.

A further use of the word Vegemite is as a theological reference in the little known British religion Christianity. To Christians, "Vegemite" refers to the unending hell of quasi-Marmite that unbelievers will have to consume in their journey through the Afterlife (also known as Disney).

Production method

The ingredients required to make Vegemite is top secret. However, it is a known fact that large quantities of koala shit and kangaroo piss are not involved. It has been rumoured that dingo testicles are routinely added to give Vegemite it’s extra “ZING”. Vegemite, like beer, must be fermented. The most popular location for fermentation is between the buttocks and the humble seat of your average Sydney city taxi driver. The rancid smell emitting from your humble Sydney city taxi driver is a direct result of the fermentation process, not the unhygienic tendencies of the driver.

An alternative production method is to wait until Beelzebub has recently been buggered by his gay lover, then to take a swab of the devil's anal secretions from his boyfriend's penis, and seal it in the familiar yellow capped jar

Of course all these explanations really don't make sense. Vegemite is actually Baby food made from Aboriginal Babies. This was confirmed by the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd who declared in 2007 that he was a "Toast and Vegemite guy". Nowadays Indian babies and babies of illegal Immigrants are added to the mix and thus making it a multicultural experience. Though the eating of Aboriginal babies was a hidden practice until the end of the century, it has now been sanctioned officially by the "National Museum of Australia" located in Australia's second capital city of Canberra.

iPoo 2.0

Was the name of a mock vegemite introduced by Apple Inc. in 2009. As the name suggests, it looks, tastes and even smells like poo. Which is because it is poo. The name was coined by Kevin Rudd in a nationwide competition but was scrapped due to complaints from the public that it would not play their MP3 library. The reason why the crap name was used in the first place is because there was some confusion about the sense of the word "crap".

Some unsuccessful names submitted included:

  • Ve-shit-mite
  • Faece-mite
  • Vegemite No. 2

Trivia

  • Vegemite was recently banned in the United States and is labeled a Class A narcotic due to its high folic acid content, and the fact that Americans will eat almost anything, so they let their government think for them.
  • Vegemite wards off vampires. This was first discovered by the Lurkers Maddog and Rastro and later proven to be true by its ability to cure vampire dogs in World War IX.
  • Vegemite can also be used to ward off sparkly, vegetarian vampires.
  • Vegemite is one of the few edible brands of axle grease. Unlike Marmite, it is an acquired taste, and is best served on toast. Beginners have been known to be put off by the flavour due to improper preparation. To avoid this, make sure to spread it over as much toast as possible. Get right in there, don't be shy. Slather it all over, just like peanut butter. Don't listen to those Aussies sniggering in the corner - they're just jealous of your sophisticated foreign ways and cosmopolitan manners.
  • An excellent practical joke is to tell someone unfamiliar with Vegemite that it is best spread lightly on buttered toast. (see above)
VegiCoke
  • Vegemite is an ingredient in ketchup.
  • Vegemite is used to manufacture stained glass.
  • Vegemite may contain traces of nuts, dolphins, and/or dolphin nuts.
  • Vegemite can be used to make a Hitler mustache, and if applied incorrectly, a dirty Sanchez.
  • John Howard was the first Prime Minster to be featured on the label. This was to replace the former cricket star Coby Bryant's endorsement "Coby's favorite, next to rape."
  • No Vegemite's were harmed during the writing of this article.
  • Cult classic video game DOOM features Vegemite in Episode I: V Deep in the Vegemite.
  • Vegemite looks just like shit smeared on toast, but tastes even better.
  • Vegemite used as an explosive has a higher energy yield than Plutonium Fission bomb. Unfortunately, it's founder Dr.Ima Sadsack was killed when he attempted to create this weapon. His research notes and log were never recovered and presumed lost to the explosion which killed him.
  • Vegemite is similar to the American apple butter, only with less apples.
  • The Kraft Company that distributes Vegemite will announce a new line of flavored Vegemite, including grape, kiwi-strawberry (made with real New Zealanders), mango, and sugar-free booger.
  • Vegemite has been known to be used as a small part of a hangover cure (consisting of a small slosh of beer at room temperature, salt and pepper, Worcestershire sauce, WD-40, oysters, and raw egg, all stirred with a Vegemite-coated spoon). Thankfully, just one person has tried it, and it ain't pretty!
  • The #1 consumed soft drink (soda) beverage in Australia is Coke with Vegemite.
  • A great prank to play is let your Vegemite on toast drop onto your bed sheets, and wait for someone to walk in, mistake it for a pooh stain, and you then begin to lick it.
  • The number one topping at all Australian Sub-Way restaurants is Vegemite.
  • since 1974 McDonalds in Australia have offered the choice of Vegemite or mayonnaise on all Big Macs sold.
  • One of the most pleasant smelling aromas known to man is washing your hands in turpentine and Vegemite instead of soap! (please do try it)
  • Whoopie Goldberg was quoted once saying: "Vegemite is like licking a cats butt" but as to how she knows how to distinguish the taste between the two is still a mystery.

References

  • Shell Oil advertisement, 1977: "When the going's hard, Don't retard! Remember your lubrication."
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