Vash the Stampede

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Vash the Stampede

Young Stampede hits epic puberty.

Vash the Stampede is the second most wanted man in the world. He has a reward of $$60 billion on his head, a bounty that tirelessly fails to induce anyone to pursue him, as the Thomas Cook booth never offers a good exchange rate for "double dollars."

edit Early years

Vash the Stampede was born in a small town called Project Seeds in Minnesota. He grew up quickly, reaching the age of 20 in just three years, after which he stayed that age indefinitely, claiming that he liked the way it felt. He found work as a local pub singer and occasional pimp. His features at this time were very bishonen, which made him very popular with the ladies and led to him being banned from several popular bars because he stopped the other men present from "getting any.". Henceforth, he was redelegated by popular demand to the gay bar circuit.

Vash has the super power to make disasters occur around him. Unfortunately, he lacks the super power to turn this super power off, much like Rogue of the X-Men. He moves around, trying to outrun disaster, but it always catches up with him, destroying every town that he approaches.

edit Comprehensive plus Liability

This ability soon brought him to the attention of the Bernadelli insurance company, which employed him as a disaster management specialist. His main duty was to localize disaster, keeping it away from inhabited areas. For this job, he was paid $$10 per hour to spend 23 hours out of every day in a secluded, padded cell. The remaining hour, he could spend outside in the compound's gardens or exercise yard, as he chose.

edit Orgies

He stayed in the insurance company's employ for several years before escaping with two nurses who worked at the compound, Meryl Strife and Minnie Thompson, as well as the compound’s chaplain, Nicholas D. Woofwood. The four were involved in a bizarre four-way relationship and hoped to run to the Netherlands with its progressive marital laws.

Vash's "cousin" and former lover Knives Maximoff heard about their plan, and in a fit of jealousy sent the mercenary group the "Gung-ho Guns" out to find Vash and bring him back to Knives's underwater love-nest, where he had been waiting for years for Vash to "return to his embrace." The Gung-ho Guns, led by their ferocious leader Legato Bluesummers, a washed out orchestra conductor and composer, and one of the most attractive bishonen ever, sought to capture Vash. Unfortunately, they fell for the typical villain's mistake of attacking Vash in one-on-one battles, with the inevitable result that they were all conquered. It is most likely that had they all hidden behind a rock and lynched him as his back was turned that they would have succeeded in short order.

Eventually, Legato was the only member of the Gung-ho guns remaining, and he managed to trick Vash into going to Knives's underwater love-nest by claiming that he had cheap tickets to Amsterdam. In reality, these tickets were for a direct flight to the aforementioned love-nest. On arriving, Vash and his friends battled with Knives for a short time, but the fight quickly degenerated into an orgy, with Vash, Woofwood, Knives and Legato simultaneously pleasuring both of the girls. It was very kinky, and the Japanese have made many hentai comics based on the events of that day, while Canada adapted the event into textbooks for high school and college students.

edit Not covered by insurance

After the massive orgy, Vash visited a tanning salon, where he fell alseep. After a 12-hour nap, he woke up to find that his body had burnt to a crisp, and he had only enough of Michael Jackson's Magic Skin Bleach to cover half of his body.

After 3 months of depression and constant drug use he went to the forest to return to his natual roots. During his journey through the forest he married a palm tree names Dianne who he is still with today. At this point he lost his memory and developed multiple personality disorder.

edit See also

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