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All prescriptions come with a gag and straitjacket, which help increase one's chances of quitting.

Varenicline (also called Chantix or Champix) is a drug, made by Pfizer, which is used to help people stop smoking by making them feel too miserable to smoke. Its intended effects include horrible nightmares, unbearable stomach cramps, profuse sweating, rocking back and forth in a corner talking to your dead grandfather, and an inhibited desire to slowly kill oneself with cigarettes (usually replaced by a desire to immediately kill oneself with a tile saw).

edit Development

Varenicline was discovered when some Russian guy found a bunch of it in his spice cabinet and put some of it into his borscht as a substitute for oregano. In addition to losing interest in tobacco products, the man began having uncontrollable seizures which left him permanently comatose. Lionel T. Wimberley, a Pfizer chemist, found that the man had quit smoking after becoming comatose. He decided to bring this information to his superiors who agreed that a profit could be made from this chemical to help people stop smoking.

Clinical trials on varenicline concluded that it was extremely effective at helping patients both cease smoking and existing. The FDA was so impressed with the results and the potential profit from the patent that a thorough 10-month investigation into it's safety was forgone for a smell and taste test taking exactly 4 minutes. The drug became available to the public the following autumn and became a very popular gift item that holiday season.


An artist's impression of what varenicline did to his brain.

edit Mechanism of [in]action

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Varenicline.

Some molecules or complexes or whatever interact with receptacles in the brain. This causes a chemical reincarnation in the brain that is well-understood by scientists but is poorly understood by Uncyclopedia editors and the layman. Some users of varenicline have complained of not being able to remember what they were going to complain about, which doctors believe is due to ryanodine receptors in the perianal region of the brain exploding and leaking lemon juice into the Hernandian cortex. Or something.

Unlike other smoking cessation AIDS, varenicline contains no nicotine, the organic insecticide produced by the tobacco plant. By destroying the receptionists in the occupational lobe, varenicline decreases one's desire for nicotine and will to live.

edit Side effects

The side effects of varenicline are poorly understood as it is difficult to tell adverse effects from beneficial effects. The FDA has announced a "black box warning" on varenicline, suggesting that pilots should disable their black boxes so as to not record their schizophrenic episodes while in the cockpit. All of this came about after 9/11 hijacker Ziad Jarrah's incoherent and embarrassing screams of "Allah balla malla alla jihad durka durka!", as recorded on the flight's black box, were suspected to be due to use of varenicline.

A 2009 University of Cephalopodia study found that varenicline destroys the portion of the brain responsible for remembering where one's car keys and cellphone are.

edit See also

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