Vampire Ninja
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| SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: |
| Vampire Ninjas, and, by extension, this article, can be hazardous to your health, diet, chances of living, coolness factor, pregnancy, favorite band, chia pet, and/or mom |
“ Why the hell hasn't anyone thought of this yet?!”
“ Well we didn't want to ruin it for you. Santa isn't real.”
“ I married a vampire ninja. He sucks. Literally.”
Yeah, they do really exist. There's like, Vampire Ninja societies and everything, including Vampire Ninjas Anonymous, a bit like Alcoholics Anonymous, but with vampire ninjas. I am one, and I–Wait! I wasn't supposed to say that! I'm anonymous!
Oops. Now, does that mean that I have to kill you?
Contents |
edit Origin Of The Vampire Ninja
It started in Western Pennsylvania. A man named Brian P. was practicing his ancient art of Bullshitsyu, when all of a sudden, there was a power outage. He grabbed his nunchucks and went to check on his pet unicorn. He was approaching the stable when he found himself caught in an ambush by a flock of ravenous vampires. He nunchucked the shit out of those fuckin bloodsuckers and took their money. During the scuffle, he was unfortunately bitten while serving a spinning backfist to the grill of one of them. 3 days later, he started feeling weird and found himself taking random journeys to a place called Valhalla in the middle of the night, for no reason. As the months went by, he started getting hungry, for blood, and started feeling the urge to feed. So, to control his hunger, he began sucking the life out of a local "community". He implored the help of his trusty assistant, who just so happened to be a rare breed of his own, a Doctor without a Doctorate degree.
Together, this Vampire/Ninja hybrid and Doc had been bullying the kids of the "community" in order to make themselves feel better about not achieving anything in their own minuscule lives, even though Doc had earned an invisible Doctorate degree and the Vampire/Ninja was a self motivator capable of giving you all the information and skills to become a millionaire, though he was not one himself.
edit Anyway, on to the Actual Story...
The history of the Vampire Ninja begins with a certain character (quite literally) named Hojo, a Jenova's Witness who was a High Priest of the Church Of Latter Day Summons (Order of the One-Winged Angel).
Hojo was doing his daily rounds of genetic mindfuckery, when he suddenly decided to create a being that combined the effortless style and ü63r1337 stealth of the vampire with the effortless style and ü63r1337 stealth of the ninja (what can I say, the guy was bat fuck insane).
After many rounds of absinthe and Anne Rice novels, Vincent Valentine, the first Vampire Ninja, was born (read: expurged from a test tube).
(There is speculation that a goat was also involved in the process. This claim is so far unfounded, and to be honest, if it is true, we don't want to know.)
However, on creating Vincent, it was discovered that the sheer amount of ninja pwnage, combined with vampiric bloodlust, made for horrific mass killing sprees, which Vampire Ninjas plague the world with to this day (when they're not doing their hair and makeup). Unable to deal with Vincent's destructive mood swings, Hojo locked him in a coffin for a few thousand years (right after he used him to beat Final Fantasy VII and kill 12/13ths of the Edward Cullen fanbase; sadly, this latter task would prove to be just not enough...).
But Vincent had plans of his own. You see, his coffin actually became his (somewhat cramped) secret lair, in which he developed the second generation of Vampire Ninjas. Examples of these can be seen in the Blade movies.
After that, Vincent's creations buggered off and bred, creating the elusive race that exists today.
On a side note, one of his many creations/spawns was the much famed "Hunter" off of Left 4 Dead. Its attributes include screaming (like a boss), growing (like a boss), slashing the shit outta you (like a boss), and baking tiny pastries (like a...what the word?).
edit Modern-Day Vampire Ninja
edit Appearance
Vampire Ninja are born from everyday common adults, whom fall pregnant from what is commonly known as sexual reproduction. They are commonly very small and don't tend to make a lot of sense when they talk. Despite being small, they seem to be very, very, very dangerous. This just proves the theory that you should never trust short people. Final note; THEY ARE UNUSUAL.
If you spot a Vampire Ninja...well, actually, this is pointless because you will not spot a Vampire Ninja, they are too smart. You will only know about them when it is too late. And when I say too late, I mean TOO LATE. Because you can't tell they're Vampire Ninjas until you notice the totally minuscule marks on their neck (even though, like we already said, they were born that way). But, like, they're really minuscule. Like, unbelievably. AND BY THAT TIME, IT'S TOO LATE. FOR THEIR ATTACK WILL HAVE ALREADY BEGUN AND YOU WILL HAVE BEEN PWNAGE, SCREWED, RAPE, AND TEABAG.
edit Characteristics
- Insane, constant thirst.
Vampire Ninja are born from ninja pwnage and vampiric bloodlust, as was mentioned above. They are best satiated (briefly) with a ninja poison or insanely hot hot sauce or some dark chocolate. The actual bloodthirst only happens once a month (thank God), and occurs much like a ninja kill: short and extremely bloody. Vampire Ninjas need not drink much blood, like the average vampire, simply because they are also ninja, but GOD, DO THEY PWN. Deny a Vampire Ninja hot sauce or dark chocolate, and you're a dead man/woman/Transformer/Kamikaze Watermelon/Zombie Jesus/pastafarian/[insert other].
- Abilities
Vampire Ninjas have all the powers of a Vampire, which include:
- Blood-drinking (duh); In extreme situations, the Vampire Ninja can remove their fangs and use them as kunai.
- Levitation (or they could just be jumping up and down realllly fast; no-ones gotten close enough to find out)
- Shapeshifting (this can extend to animals or simply melting into shadows. Either way it's pretty badass)
- Becoming invisible (very good for ü63rstealth)
- Mind-reading (which can be be anywhere from hilarious to disturbing)
- Telekinesis (like The Force, so they also ü63rpwn Jedi)
- Telepathy (Yes, it's redundant, but at least it's not Your Mom)
- Crawling up walls (this is also a ninja skill, so they're really rather good at it)
- Extreme sex appeal, especially to teenage fan girls
- Maintaining perfectly-coiffed hair even after 9,000+ kills (always good)
They can also perform all ninja skills such as:
- Having amazingly quick reflexes
- Gravity-defying kicks
- Sneaking about very, very quietly
- Silent, efficient kills
- Deadly poisonmaking skills that don't work on them because they are part vampire, so it also acts as brewing skills (because they are also part ninja, and therefore also drunken master)
- Perfect proficiency and accuracy with every weapon ever made (and even some of the LOWTDEBS) other than guns (because ninjas don't need guns)
- General silence: they have funny Japanese/Transylvanian accents so they don't talk much because they get embarrassed. Bless.
- Swearing fluently in Japanese and Transylvanian, but still with a funny accent
- They can even do things you didn't know Ninja could do (because no one has ever survived them)!
Some have come to the conclusion that, because of the awesomeness of this combination:
- They can cause most of their enemies to asplode instantly
- If necessary, they can split into a vampire and a ninja
- They can kill things that are already dead (twice if necessary)
- They can be used in rock-paper-scissors to defeat the bomb that some n00bs use
- They are one step below Chuck Norris on the food chain (on the same level as Trogdor, or maybe even higher)
edit Weapons
Vampire Ninja have a magnificent array of weapons at their disposal, possibly even more than the Spanish Inquisition and the Death Star times an Alaskan Helicopter to the fourty-second power.
Not only are they experts at every ninja weapon ever conceived from birth (including katana, shuriken, kunai, grappling hooks, etc.), they also employ small Ninja Bats to aid them in their work.
The Ninja Bats are extremely vicious and bloodthirsty. They tend to go for the jugular, which has led many to believe that they are not bats at all; rather, they are a batlike subgenus of the Beast Of Caerbannog, aka The Rabbit With Big Pointy Teef.
edit Enemies of the Vampire Ninja
Well, to be honest, just about everyone who stands in their way.
However, they can be really quite sociable if offered a something they like, and are very pleasant on a day-to-day, non-killing basis. So, nobody really hates them, as they're really nice people.
Or, it could be that voicing dislike at a Vampire Ninja inevitably leads to a certain, bloody death. In more ways than one.
It has been scientifically proven that only Chuck Norris' omnipotence can kill a ninja vampire. However, it is possible that Trogdor, Ubergrues, Super Saiyan Goku 3.14159..., Zombie Jesus, Vampire Jesus, Cyborg Ninja Pirate Jesus, Cheese Jesus, and (probably a stretch) This Guy, can kill one.
Whether any of these guys have the balls to attempt such a thing is another matter entirely...
edit What to do if being attacked by a Vampire Ninja
Well, they're immune to garlic, crucifixes, holy water, poisons, knives, guns, nukes, hadokens, macs, Miley Cyrus...in fact, they're immortal. Crap.
So offer him/her/it a bowl of spicy ramen, miso soup, ninja poison (if you are a ninja), or a really hot hot sauce (they love the taste of them) and dark chocolate. This will probably get them to leave you alone and go attack someone else, since they're probably just thinking with their fangs anyway; vampire ninja attacks always leave somebody dead, so make sure that it isn't you.
And no, you don't turn into one if you get bitten; no human could handle so much pwnage to mutate from within their bodies. You'll just end up dead anyway.
It's good to be a vampire ninja!
