Vagina

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Twatt road sign

Twatt, Shetland, (Not to be confused with Twatt, Orkney) is believed to be the birthplace of the first Vagina. How it happened we just don't fucking know.

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“When I was younger I used to want to be a real boy but then I just accepted the fact that I'm a transgendered inbred who has both parts.”
~ Justin Bieber on The Sexual Body

The Vagina (or more commonly known as the Cunt, RingDing, Happy Hole, Rug, Goop Hole, box, Cooter, Gaping Axe-Wound, gash that won't heal, Pussy or Twat) is the thing most men spend most of their time trying to get.

Females were created to be a host to vaginas and sustain their lives by supplying oxygenated blood, and to enable their transportation. Some experts claim that the original intended use of the vagina was to steal fresh souls from men who've been huffing too much, others claim they are meant for sex, but everyone agrees that we are all pleased to have them.

Professors of vaginology are commonly referred to as vaginarians, whereas those who avoid eating meat are called vegetarians.

Alternate Definitions

“Your Vagina is a bandit that has captured my heart...and my penis”

The most influential force in the universe other than Tacos, the vagina is stronger than the five fundamental physical forces (gravity, strong and weak nuclear, electro-magnetic, ash kechup ) combined. Some suspect the vagina is lined with razor sharp teeth, others assume it is also very formidably expected to fire its lazer. It is thought to be the portal to God (at least according to Katie Rayner). Approximately one-half of the terrestrial human population is afflicted by the mysterious force, while the other half spends the majority of their young adult lives trying to access it momentarily.

Tomato-sauce

Also available with chipotle.

The term vagina also refers to cities, states or countries with the characteristics of a vagina. For example Florida, in the summer can be considered a vagina because it is hot (near body temperature), humid (90%+ relative humidity), smells like rotting garbage (unwashed), and additionally gives birth to all American hubris (reproductive function). Similar conditions exist for countries such as Taiwan ROC and states such as California in the summer.

The world's leading expert on vaginology, Dr Condoleeza Rice, has suggested that the vagina's true purpose lies in the fabled "pussy fart", in which the vagina forces out a mysterious hydrocarbon gas capable of killing millions by means of hornification. Because of its overall deadliness, none have been able to analyse it in its entirety. All that is speculated is that if the atmosphere reaches critical levels, massive horniness could be achieved and that in the case of such an event all men and homosexual females -- everyone who ever lusted after pussy -- will die.

Although it generally controls all of their functions, females are occasionally able to overcome the force of the vagina and use it as a suctioning device, removing all property and monetary assets from any man that may be attached. This action is generally referred to as a pussy whipping, referring to Admiral H. T. Pussy, whose female's pussy actually grew bullwhips to remove the money from his wallet by force. Males who believe they may be in danger of a pussy whipping are advised to dangle a diamond, credit card or pair of shoes in front of the vagina, in order to increase its strength over the female's mind and keep her placated.

Civilization / Future

Cloyster

Do you still want to know what your girlfriend looks like naked? Add an afro.

If global trends continue as they are now, it is predicted that by the year 2037 the woman's vagina will reign supreme over all of civilization as we know it, in the rise of the second Woman Empire, Aristasia. Under the new administration, men will be used only for fertilization such as when a woman/vagina wants to have offspring or only if it/she is rather horny.

Men will be addressed simply by numbers, e.g. #2774890. Each man will have his own unique number and must send a request to the almighty vagina for his needs, such as new clothing or food of his own choice. The food he'll receive by default will be beer and steak and he will have daily activities such as watching porn or sports shows from the 90s, in a highly effective method to keep men from questioning the world around them.

Women will also have a vast amount of freedom to do as they please and have the privilege of not asking the supreme vagina. This freedom will be spent shoe shopping 24-7. The shoe industry will experience an unparalleled economic boom. Science and technology will fade away as women will be too busy trying on shoes.

If any man or woman defies the rule of the supreme vagina, they will be tortured and automatically thrown into the death chamber which lies deep within the supreme vagina herself and straight into the placenta. There, the victims will be squeezed to death and if still alive, they will drown in acidic amniotic fluids.

Variations

Main article: Poontang

There are many kinds of vagina. Some are hairy, and quite disgusting to look at. Others are bald and as smooth as the finest silk (yeah I quoted WoW on vagina). Now virgin vaginas are a rarity and often consort with smaller variations of penis. Virgin vaginas are smaller, less developed versions of their adult counterpart, the used vagina. Used vaginas are wider than virgin ones, and are sought out by larger variations of penis. Now, the most frightening form of vagina is the over-used kind. Over-used vagina are older and even wider (stretched out by years of use), and can often have yeast infections.

Censorship

Smeep

The mating call of the vagina can now be bought for $12.99 at your local record emporium!!!

Many women attempt to censor their vaginas. The most common method, though generally discouraged by males everywhere, is to grow hair there. The hair covering the vagina is also known as bush. Alternatively, they can wear clothes.

Other notes

  • Thoroughly cleanse the respective vagina before handling.
  • Inspect and remove any blockages.
  • Hillary Clinton's vagina is a very scary place. Avoid it.
  • If the owner of a vagina complains either before, during or after docking with a male's penis about the penis's size, it is usually because her vagina has the same dimensions as a hallway.
  • Vaginas require significant maintenance with specialized tools. Maintenance is typically conducted on a monthly basis. Should you note a string hanging from a vagina your best bet is to leave it alone. Better yet, leave the woman attached to it alone as well.
  • Vaginas are one of the most common storage places on the human body. Bottles, luggage, lettuce, hand grenades, beer, and semen are a few of the things that women have been known to keep in their vaginas. Spare change may also be kept in them when the piggy bank does not have any remaining capacity.
  • Men can sometimes have vaginas but they are frequently referred to as "manginas".
  • The vagina is the place where every man came from, and can't wait to go back to.
  • If you happen to get the juice of the vagina in your eye, get to a chemical eye wash station immediately. Vagina juice is a very acidic chemical known as Hydropuscified Acid that can cause blindness through melting of the penis.*
  • At times, a vagina can become quite unpleasant, but you are on your own as to how to deal with that.

See also

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