Vagina

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Care and feeding)
 
(21 intermediate revisions by 16 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
[[File:Twatt road sign.jpg|thumb|250px|Twatt, Shetland, (Not to be confused with Twatt, Orkney) is believed to be the birthplace of the first Vagina. How it happened we just don't fucking know.]]
+
[[File:Twatt road sign.jpg|thumb|250px|Twatt, Shetland, (Not to be confused with Twatt, Orkney) was the birthplace of the first vagina.]]
{{Wikipedia}}
 
   
{{Q|When I was younger I used to want to be a real boy but then I just accepted the fact that I'm a transgendered inbred who has both parts.|Justin Bieber| The Sexual Body}}
+
The '''vagina''' is the place where every man originates, and to which most men desperately try to return.
   
The '''Vagina''' (or more commonly known as the ''[[Cunt]], RingDing, [[Poontang|Happy Hole]], Rug, Goop Hole, [[box]], Cooter, [[Queef|Gaping Axe-Wound]], gash that won't heal, [[Pussy]]'' or ''[[Twat]]'') is the thing most men spend most of their time trying to get.
+
[[Females]] were created to be a host to vaginas and sustain their lives by supplying oxygenated [[blood]], and to transport them. Some [[Expert|experts]] claim that the original [[Intelligent_design|intended]] use of the vagina was to steal fresh souls from men. Others claim they are meant for [[sex]], but everyone is pleased to have them around.
   
[[Females]] were created to be a host to vaginas and sustain their lives by supplying oxygenated [[blood]], and to enable their transportation. Some [[Expert|experts]] claim that the original [[Intelligent_design|intended]] use of the vagina was to steal fresh souls from men who've been [[Kitten Huffing|huffing]] too much, others claim they are meant for [[sex]], but everyone agrees that we are all pleased to have them.
+
The vagina is sometimes also called the [[Cunt]], RingDing, [[Poontang|Happy Hole]], Rug, [[Box]], Cooter, [[Queef|Gaping Axe-Wound]], gash that won't heal, [[Pussy]], or [[Twat]]. Professors of vaginology are commonly referred to as vaginarians, whereas those who avoid this meat are called [[vegetarians]].
   
Professors of vaginology are commonly referred to as vaginarians, whereas those who avoid eating meat are called [[vegetarians]].
+
== Alternate definitions ==
   
== Alternate Definitions ==
+
The most influential [[force]] in the [[universe]] (other than tacos), the vagina is stronger than the five fundamental physical [[force]]s (gravity, strong and weak nuclear, electro-magnetic, and bitter irony) combined. Some suspect the vagina is lined with razor sharp teeth, others assume it is also very formidably expected to fire its lazer. [[Katie Rayner]] claims it is the portal to [[God]]. Approximately one-half of the [[human]] population is afflicted by the mysterious force, while the other half spends most of their young adult lives trying to access it momentarily.
 
{{q|Your Vagina is a bandit that has captured my heart...and my penis|[[Hugh G. Rection]]}}
 
 
The most influential [[force]] in the [[universe]] other than Tacos, the vagina is stronger than the five fundamental physical [[force]]s (gravity, strong and weak nuclear, electro-magnetic, ash kechup ) combined. Some suspect the vagina is lined with razor sharp teeth, others assume it is also very formidably expected to fire its lazer. It is thought to be the portal to [[God]] (at least according to Katie Rayner). Approximately one-half of the terrestrial [[human]] population is afflicted by the mysterious force, while the other half spends the majority of their young adult lives trying to access it momentarily.
 
 
[[Image:Tomato-sauce.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Also available with chipotle.]]
 
[[Image:Tomato-sauce.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Also available with chipotle.]]
The term vagina also refers to cities, states or countries with the characteristics of a vagina. For example [[Florida]], in the summer can be considered a vagina because it is hot (near body temperature), humid (90%+ relative humidity), smells like rotting garbage (unwashed), and additionally gives birth to all [[American]] hubris (reproductive function). Similar conditions exist for countries such as [[Taiwan]] ROC and states such as [[California]] in the summer.
+
{{Wikipedia}}
+
The term vagina also refers to cities, states or countries with the characteristics of a vagina. For example [[Florida]], in the summer can be considered a vagina because it is hot, humid, smells like rotting garbage, and gives birth to colicky beings with no sense of propriety. Similar conditions in places like [[Taiwan]], and [[California]] in the summer.
The world's leading expert on vaginology, Dr Condoleeza Rice, has suggested that the vagina's true purpose lies in the fabled "pussy fart", in which the vagina forces out a mysterious hydrocarbon gas capable of killing millions by means of hornification. Because of its overall deadliness, none have been able to analyse it in its entirety. All that is speculated is that if the atmosphere reaches critical levels, massive horniness could be achieved and that in the case of such an event all men and homosexual females -- everyone who ever lusted after pussy -- will die.
 
   
 
Although it generally controls all of their functions, females are occasionally able to overcome the force of the vagina and use it as a suctioning device, removing all property and monetary assets from any man that may be attached. This action is generally referred to as a pussy whipping, referring to Admiral H. T. Pussy, whose female's pussy actually grew bullwhips to remove the money from his wallet by force. Males who believe they may be in danger of a pussy whipping are advised to dangle a diamond, credit card or pair of shoes in front of the vagina, in order to increase its strength over the female's mind and keep her placated.
 
Although it generally controls all of their functions, females are occasionally able to overcome the force of the vagina and use it as a suctioning device, removing all property and monetary assets from any man that may be attached. This action is generally referred to as a pussy whipping, referring to Admiral H. T. Pussy, whose female's pussy actually grew bullwhips to remove the money from his wallet by force. Males who believe they may be in danger of a pussy whipping are advised to dangle a diamond, credit card or pair of shoes in front of the vagina, in order to increase its strength over the female's mind and keep her placated.
 
==Civilization / Future==
 
[[File:Cloyster.jpg|thumb|250px|Do you still want to know what your girlfriend looks like naked? Add an afro.]]
 
If global trends continue as they are now, it is predicted that by the year 2037 the woman's vagina will reign supreme over all of civilization as we know it, in the rise of the second [[America|Woman Empire]], Aristasia. Under the new administration, men will be used only for fertilization such as when a woman/vagina wants to have offspring or only if it/she is rather horny.
 
 
Men will be addressed simply by numbers, e.g. #2774890. Each man will have his own unique number and must send a request to the almighty vagina for his needs, such as new clothing or food of his own choice. The food he'll receive by default will be beer and steak and he will have daily activities such as watching porn or sports shows from the 90s, in a highly effective method to keep men from questioning the world around them.
 
 
Women will also have a vast amount of freedom to do as they please and have the privilege of not asking the supreme vagina. This freedom will be spent shoe shopping 24-7. The shoe industry will experience an unparalleled economic boom. Science and technology will fade away as women will be too busy trying on shoes.
 
 
If any man or woman defies the rule of the supreme vagina, they will be tortured and automatically thrown into the death chamber which lies deep within the supreme vagina herself and straight into the [[placenta]]. There, the victims will be squeezed to death and if still alive, they will drown in acidic amniotic fluids.
 
 
==Variations==
 
{{main|Poontang}}
 
There are many kinds of vagina. Some are hairy, and quite disgusting to look at. Others are bald and as smooth as the finest silk (yeah I quoted [[WoW]] on vagina). Now ''virgin'' vaginas are a rarity and often consort with [[white people|smaller variations]] of [[penis]]. ''Virgin'' vaginas are smaller, less developed versions of their adult counterpart, the ''used'' vagina. ''Used'' vaginas are wider than ''virgin'' ones, and are sought out by [[Nigger|larger variations]] of [[penis]]. Now, the most frightening form of vagina is the ''over-used'' kind. ''Over-used'' vagina are older and even wider (stretched out by years of use), and can often have [[yeast infection]]s.
 
   
 
==Censorship==
 
==Censorship==
[[Image:Smeep.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The mating call of the vagina can now be bought for $12.99 at your local record emporium!!!]]
+
[[Image:Smeep.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Many men wish they had vaginas, and some fantasize and write songs about it.]]
Many women attempt to [[censorship|censor]] their vaginas. The most common method, though generally discouraged by males everywhere, is to grow [[hair]] there. The hair covering the vagina is also known as bush. Alternatively, they can wear clothes.
+
Nature has gone to great pains to [[censorship|censor]] vaginas. The usual method is to induce girls to suddenly start growing [[hair]] over them. This hair is known as bush. Voters in the [[United States]] were given the opportunity to vote on this four times, and three times voted in favor of bush, though many afterward wondered what they were thinking. Clothing is another common form of censorship of the vagina, but the [[U.S. Constitution]] guarantees freedom of expression.
   
== Other notes ==
+
==Care and feeding==
 
*Thoroughly cleanse the respective vagina before handling.
 
*Thoroughly cleanse the respective vagina before handling.
   
*Inspect and remove any blockages.
+
*Vaginas require significant maintenance with specialized tools. Maintenance is typically conducted on a monthly basis. Should you note a string hanging from a vagina your best bet is to leave it alone. Better yet, leave the woman attached to it alone as well.
   
*Hillary Clinton's vagina is a very scary place. Avoid it.
+
*Vaginas are one of the most common storage places on the human body. Bottles, luggage, lettuce, hand grenades, beer, and semen are a few of the things that women have been known to keep in their vaginas. Spare change may also be kept in them when the piggy bank is full.
   
*If the owner of a vagina complains either before, during or after docking with a male's penis about the penis's size, it is usually because her vagina has the same dimensions as a hallway.
+
*Men can sometimes have vaginas. Such a man is known as a [[Justin Bieber]].
   
*Vaginas require significant maintenance with specialized tools. Maintenance is typically conducted on a monthly basis. Should you note a string hanging from a vagina your best bet is to leave it alone. Better yet, leave the woman attached to it alone as well.
+
*If you happen to get the [[Poontang|juice of the vagina]] in your eye, get to a chemical eye wash station immediately. Vagina juice is very acidic. However, doing without it reportedly causes blindness.
  +
  +
==Vaginas in the future==
  +
[[File:Cloyster.jpg|thumb|250px|Do you still want to know what your girlfriend looks like naked? Add an afro.]]
  +
If global trends continue, then by 2037 the vagina will reign supreme over all of civilization, in the rise of the second [[America|Woman Empire]], Aristasia. Men will be used only for reproductive services, or if the vagina's owner gets really horny.
   
*Vaginas are one of the most common storage places on the human body. Bottles, luggage, lettuce, hand grenades, beer, and semen are a few of the things that women have been known to keep in their vaginas. Spare change may also be kept in them when the piggy bank does not have any remaining capacity.
+
Men will be addressed simply by numbers, and will have to send a request to the almighty vagina for his needs, such as new clothing or food of his own choice. The food he will receive by default will be beer and steak and he will have daily activities such as watching porn or sports shows from the 1990s. This will dull men's minds so they do not question the world around them.
   
*Men can sometimes have vaginas but they are frequently referred to as "manginas".
+
Women will also have a vast amount of freedom to do as they please and have the privilege of not asking the supreme vagina. This freedom will be spent shopping for shoes around the clock. The shoe industry will experience an unparalleled economic boom. Science and technology will fade away as women will be too busy trying on shoes.
*The vagina is the place where every man came from, and can't wait to go back to.
 
*If you happen to get the [[Poontang|juice of the vagina]] in your eye, get to a chemical eye wash station immediately. Vagina juice is a very acidic chemical known as Hydropuscified Acid that can cause blindness through melting of the penis.*
 
   
*At times, a vagina can become quite unpleasant, but you are on your own as to how to deal with that.
+
If any man or woman defies the rule of the supreme vagina, they will be tortured and automatically thrown into the death chamber, deep within the supreme vagina herself. There, the victims will be squeezed to death, loving every moment of it.
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
* [[Your Mom]]
 
 
* [[Poontang]]
 
* [[Poontang]]
 
* [[HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public]]
 
* [[HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public]]
Line 58: Line 43:
 
* [[The Vagina Monologues]]
 
* [[The Vagina Monologues]]
 
* [[Pubic hair]]
 
* [[Pubic hair]]
  +
* [[Pie#Hair pie|Pie (Hair pie)]]
 
* [[Cameltoe]]
 
* [[Cameltoe]]
 
* [[C.U.N.T]]
 
* [[C.U.N.T]]
Line 78: Line 64:
 
[[fi:Emätin]]
 
[[fi:Emätin]]
 
[[fr:Vagin]]
 
[[fr:Vagin]]
[[id:Vagina]]
+
[[id:Memek]]
 
[[it:Vagina]]
 
[[it:Vagina]]
 
[[ja:膣]]
 
[[ja:膣]]
 
[[pt:Vagina]]
 
[[pt:Vagina]]
 
[[pl:Wagina]]
 
[[pl:Wagina]]
  +
[[sk:Piča]]
 
[[th:หี]]
 
[[th:หี]]
 
[[zh:阴道]]
 
[[zh:阴道]]

Latest revision as of 22:09, December 28, 2013

Twatt road sign

Twatt, Shetland, (Not to be confused with Twatt, Orkney) was the birthplace of the first vagina.

The vagina is the place where every man originates, and to which most men desperately try to return.

Females were created to be a host to vaginas and sustain their lives by supplying oxygenated blood, and to transport them. Some experts claim that the original intended use of the vagina was to steal fresh souls from men. Others claim they are meant for sex, but everyone is pleased to have them around.

The vagina is sometimes also called the Cunt, RingDing, Happy Hole, Rug, Box, Cooter, Gaping Axe-Wound, gash that won't heal, Pussy, or Twat. Professors of vaginology are commonly referred to as vaginarians, whereas those who avoid this meat are called vegetarians.

edit Alternate definitions

The most influential force in the universe (other than tacos), the vagina is stronger than the five fundamental physical forces (gravity, strong and weak nuclear, electro-magnetic, and bitter irony) combined. Some suspect the vagina is lined with razor sharp teeth, others assume it is also very formidably expected to fire its lazer. Katie Rayner claims it is the portal to God. Approximately one-half of the human population is afflicted by the mysterious force, while the other half spends most of their young adult lives trying to access it momentarily.

Tomato-sauce

Also available with chipotle.

Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vagina.

The term vagina also refers to cities, states or countries with the characteristics of a vagina. For example Florida, in the summer can be considered a vagina because it is hot, humid, smells like rotting garbage, and gives birth to colicky beings with no sense of propriety. Similar conditions in places like Taiwan, and California in the summer.

Although it generally controls all of their functions, females are occasionally able to overcome the force of the vagina and use it as a suctioning device, removing all property and monetary assets from any man that may be attached. This action is generally referred to as a pussy whipping, referring to Admiral H. T. Pussy, whose female's pussy actually grew bullwhips to remove the money from his wallet by force. Males who believe they may be in danger of a pussy whipping are advised to dangle a diamond, credit card or pair of shoes in front of the vagina, in order to increase its strength over the female's mind and keep her placated.

edit Censorship

Smeep

Many men wish they had vaginas, and some fantasize and write songs about it.

Nature has gone to great pains to censor vaginas. The usual method is to induce girls to suddenly start growing hair over them. This hair is known as bush. Voters in the United States were given the opportunity to vote on this four times, and three times voted in favor of bush, though many afterward wondered what they were thinking. Clothing is another common form of censorship of the vagina, but the U.S. Constitution guarantees freedom of expression.

edit Care and feeding

  • Thoroughly cleanse the respective vagina before handling.
  • Vaginas require significant maintenance with specialized tools. Maintenance is typically conducted on a monthly basis. Should you note a string hanging from a vagina your best bet is to leave it alone. Better yet, leave the woman attached to it alone as well.
  • Vaginas are one of the most common storage places on the human body. Bottles, luggage, lettuce, hand grenades, beer, and semen are a few of the things that women have been known to keep in their vaginas. Spare change may also be kept in them when the piggy bank is full.
  • Men can sometimes have vaginas. Such a man is known as a Justin Bieber.
  • If you happen to get the juice of the vagina in your eye, get to a chemical eye wash station immediately. Vagina juice is very acidic. However, doing without it reportedly causes blindness.

edit Vaginas in the future

Cloyster

Do you still want to know what your girlfriend looks like naked? Add an afro.

If global trends continue, then by 2037 the vagina will reign supreme over all of civilization, in the rise of the second Woman Empire, Aristasia. Men will be used only for reproductive services, or if the vagina's owner gets really horny.

Men will be addressed simply by numbers, and will have to send a request to the almighty vagina for his needs, such as new clothing or food of his own choice. The food he will receive by default will be beer and steak and he will have daily activities such as watching porn or sports shows from the 1990s. This will dull men's minds so they do not question the world around them.

Women will also have a vast amount of freedom to do as they please and have the privilege of not asking the supreme vagina. This freedom will be spent shopping for shoes around the clock. The shoe industry will experience an unparalleled economic boom. Science and technology will fade away as women will be too busy trying on shoes.

If any man or woman defies the rule of the supreme vagina, they will be tortured and automatically thrown into the death chamber, deep within the supreme vagina herself. There, the victims will be squeezed to death, loving every moment of it.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects