From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Victoria Jubilee Technological Institute|
|Motto||De Caelo Missus, Ad Infernum Tentus (We didn't get into IIT, but we still think we're God)|
|Established||1887, but has since dropped out of the space-time continuum.|
|Location||Mumbai, Maharashtra, India|
|Campus||Built on Prison Land, which was earlier a cemetery.|
|Endowment||Unofficially: A stapler and a security guard.|
|Faculty||Quite satisfactory, if you know what i mean....|
“You are the late, I am the right!”
“When you've been here long enough, you make up stories and the dogs get names, he is Audi and that one is Quady. They're brothers but they don't get along.”
The year is 1887; alcohol sales by the East India Company are down. The viceroy is getting pissed, and the people of India are not. Queen Victoria sends a telegram: "Start an engineering college, take away half the industrial revolution junk." Alcohol sales double within a month and a new industry forms. A century hence, it will come to be known as pr0n.
Academics, or lack thereof
The VJTI faculty is famous for assertions such as, "You need not attend lectures, but 85% attendance is compulsory," and effusive praise. Kya baat hai!
VJTI graduates excel in clerical work, copying things from photocopies and print-out until it comes naturally. An average VJTI student writes two truckloads of assignments on journal sheets, of which perhaps two papers contain original work. The student is graded by the sheer weight of his output. Many trees give their lives to be scribbled upon by some of the greatest non-thinkers of the time, but the institute practices recycling, as much of his work is dumped outside the lab for use by the same students the following semester.
In the new-and-improved "Autonomous" VJTI, the syllabus is fixed to ensure that the student learns nothing of consequence. However at the end of four years, the average engineer is trained well in all forms of proxying, bunking, and forging. The student remains under the delusion that he actually slogged to get his degree, while studies show that an ape who can't distinguish between a banana and a fish could pass a second semester exam in VJTI. Every male student knows the location of every cricket, football, and basketball ground, as he spends more time there than in lectures.
The lectures themselves disprove the notion that people dislike embarrassing themselves. Certain smarter teachers don't turn up for the lectures at all and thus are bigger defaulters than the students, but make up for their absence with a flurry of "assignments" and "journals" two days before the exams. Such announcements are posted in the canteen, right below the notice prohibiting actual class work from being done there.
Infrastructure, or lack thereof
VJTI was formed in 1888 as a way to dispose of relics from British Museums, which were overflowing with stuff from the Industrial Revolution. It was Queen Victoria's idea to clean out industrial junk from all over London, dump it on 16 acres of Bombay, and call it a college.
Today it is the premier technological institute of Maharashtra state, which means it's nerd central, whose liveliest societies are the GA (Geeks Association), SRA (Society of Robotics and Automation), and FBI (First-Benchers, Inc.). They meet weekly to discuss the good old days when they topped the board exams, and how much they suck at engineering.
The hottest things on campus are the 7 battle tanks from [[World War II]. They are the most advanced technology on campus. They have been stripped of the engine and cannot actually shoot any more. Any attempts to get into the whole World War II groove, however, sets the watchman into a frenzy. He runs after you for half the campus blowing a whistle calling for backup.
The overflowing toilets are treated with phenyl during accreditation visits. Oddly, the water coolers seem to work fine, which has prompted speculation that this is a large-scale urine test of the weird Pharma people across the road.
VJTI is now in mid-cycle, with new equipment being bought by IIT Bombay, passed along to VJTI when it's old (like the pile of benches in the Textile Hall) and donated to any ITI when it's almost breaking apart (such as old lathes and half the faculty), a transaction that somehow increases their use. The college recently got 20 crore rupees from the World Bank, because the HOD of the Electrical Department and a certain World Bank official were drinking buddies.
The hostels were a prison earlier, before one of the toilets burst and they decided that it was too dangerous to house inmates there. The food makers (for lack of better words) are relics of the prison days and are just as menacing.
Another major landmark is the BEE lab, which dates back to the Harappa civilization. This lab houses 2 tons of spiderwebs along with 40 varieties of spiders, cockroaches and all things crawly. In the annual property inventories, they are treated as "lab apparatus." Only one fan works in this "lab," and it rotates backwards. Many structural engineering students spend half their lives amusing themselves with activities such as measuring distances in the quadrangle.
Faculty, or lack thereof
The mechanical engineering faculty comprises relics even older than the tanks near the main gate, relics both overqualified and underpaid, a deadly combination. They take revenge on their students by screwing their lives with assignments and "submissions." (Contemplate that word!) They sadistically tear drawing sheets into pieces tinier than their brains, on Monday mornings.
The situation in departments like Comps and IT makes one wonder how these departments have survived the past 10 years or so without any sort of teaching faculty. Their students claim that "some MTech people" come and teach "sometimes," but there is no proof that these departments have a faculty. But marvelously, they end up with the best grades every semester, including a bunch of Godly perfect 10s.
VJTI is renowned for fundamental research. Why normal people remain at VJTI is a fine fundamental question. VJTI also studies other puzzling aspects of the human personality, including procrastination, extreme depression, swearing under tension, and sexual perversion.
With professors who look like dogs, to cats with bow-ties who attend seminars on Structural Engineering, it's a jungle out there. During the nuclear holocaust in Maharashtra in 1955, the 405 victims of genetic mutations were patched up at the VJTI infirmary and are continuing their countdown to retirement.