Video Game Addiction
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Video Game Addiction (or VGA) is the common term given to the phenomenon whereby an individual becomes mentally reliant on video games. The condition is characterised by the individual's tendency to believe that computer games actully are 'real life' and vice versa. This can have varied consequences, ranging from the incredibly violent to the clinically insane depending upon the video game and individual in question.
While VGA is a creeping addiction, there are several warning signs:
- Additional bones in the ass from sitting 15+ hours a day in front of the computer.
- Holding everything from shovels to toothbrushes like they're a gun.
- Sleeping 3 hours a day (if at all) and screaming something about 'suppressive fire' while sleeping.
- Never blinking. Never. There was something in the bushes... throw a frag!
- Being sexually aroused by Mario.
- Having a fridge and a toilet in the same room as the computer (and possibly integrated into the chair)
- Staring at you with a cold lifeless stare while trying to pull an imaginary trigger. If someone stares at you with a cold lifeless stare and pulls a real trigger, they are probably a hitman instead.
- Falling back into an infantile state while playing Space Invaders, Super Mario or Banjo Kazooie. Often, they have no bowel control while in this state, so putting pampers on them is advised.
- Jumping on the head of everything that moves.
- I am not addicted! Do you hear me?! Stop laughing or I'll slash you with my +2 Fire Sword!
- Bleeding stubs for thumbs.
- Complaining "The graphics are terrible on this" while not playing a video game.
- Morbid Obesity
- Lack of fingers.
- Trying to jump off a wall like a ninja
- Yell "BOOM HEADSHOT" if you get hit on the head.
- Inhaling people
- Ending Every Conversation With "I'll Be Going Now".
- Pretending to be shot by a sni- uhh...
- Playing danmaku shooter games and winning.
VGA is highly characterized by a deterioration of ones physical body whilst a severe elevation of ones mental state in a twisted way. Common symptoms include weight gain, loss of muscle tissue, acne, loss of hair, scalp, and penis. This is usually accompanied by loss of job, bad grades in school and/or truancy/expulsion, loss of sex life, and an overall loss/waste of life. The classical pattern of a VGA case involves living in parents’ basement, unemployment, borderline poverty, increase in masturbation, overall weakness, loss of vision, hatred of sunlight, and a subconscious hatred of the real world. Victims of VGA, engaging in online multiplayer can be easily spotted for their use of terms like; “Ez Pk, Noob, Owned, Raped, GF”... It is not uncommon for online gamers suffering from VGA to resort to personal physical threats and saying things like; “Ur ez nig I pwn ur acc anytime... Im 6’8” ill rape u w ez real life kid sit...” Personal statistics given from people suffering from VGA online are usually false and/or highly exaggerated. It is not uncommon for everyone in a multiplayer room to say they are 6-7ft tall with an athletic build and get a lot of pussy. Such persons are severe victims of VGA and need immediate medical assistance. Anger and frustration in VGA cases are also classical symptoms and can be spotted if the computer/game console has marks of being kicked, beaten, thrown against wall, etc. VGA is a serious illness affecting millions of people and as of this date, no known cure exists. If you know a friend or loved one that you suspect is suffering from VGA, please don’t keep it to yourself... Take away their games and force them to face reality.
(Disclaimer: This action can result in you getting shot, stabbed, beaten, run over, or poisoned. Classic counterattacks by the VGAs include beating walls, crying, cutting, hanging, and throwing a toaster at your face...)
edit Jeremy: a case study
Jeremy lived the first twelve years of his life like any other kid from Brooklyn. On his thirteenth birthday, however, his life took a tragic turn for the worse. His parents, convinced they were just giving their son an enjoyable, wholly innocent, way to pass the time, bought Jeremy a Nintendo Entertainment System. For the first few weeks, Jeremy enjoyed playing games with his family for an hour or so a day.
However, Jeremy's habits followed the classic VGA pattern. He was constantly grumpy, developed huge bags under his eyes, and lost an unhealthy amount of weight. He refused to go to school and quit the baseball team, instead sitting hunched over in front of the television, controller in hand, emerging from his room only to grab a Mars Bar from the fridge.
After two months of living in this fashion, Jeremy realized he had a problem. He had still not reached level five of his game and his weight had dropped to under six stone. He found himself eating nothing but mushrooms and dreaming of climbing beanstalks. He wore nothing but his father's old plumber's outfit and drew himself a moustache with a marker pen.
Tragically, Jeremy's parents did not recognize his problem in its early stages, when they could do something about it. Jeremy now lives in a church cemetery with a headstone that reads "Here lies Super Jeremyo, who tragically passed away after consuming 20 poison ivy leaves. May he rest in pieces."
edit Frank's story
When he was just nine, Frank received a video game console for Christmas. He quickly learned how to use his joystick and keyboard and soon became quite proficient at the game his father had bought him. He showed off all his friends his fancy moves and tricks but unfortunately, they weren't interested in his game and grew further and further away from him.
Depressed by other people's surprising lack of interest in shooting alien craft, Frank gradually became increasingly reliant on his game as a source of entertainment. He would play it for hours on end, often until the early hours of the morning transfixed by the pixels floating on his television screen.
When he was just 20, his digits detached themselves from his hands, rendering him unable to play any more. However an inventive Frank soon learned to use his toes in the absence of fingers and became even better with them than he was with his hands. Unfortunately, that proved to be his demise and now at 31, Frank is wheel-chair bound after having lost the use of his hands and feet from continuous button-bashing.
edit Alex's story
Alex was 32 when he discovered the wonders of text-based management simulators. He soon began to develop a worrying symptom whereby he would think that a mundane object such as a barm cake was in fact a computer mouse, sliding it across his kitchen worktop whilst tapping in a random fashion with the other hand. Furthermore, he would imagine mouse pointers appearing in front of him, and would spend hours sitting on the couch prodding at thin air. He then died one day because he forgot how to breathe or even eat, for that matter.
edit The Story of of the CoD addict who sits next to me in computer class
Actually I don't think he has one. He could have one but I am not too sure. You know, I think he sleeps with his XBOX360 and his deformed horse who goes moo.
edit The Cure
A good 'seeing to' will usually do just fine. But be aware many with this addiction have never seen a human of the opposite sex, so upon receiving the cure the may become addicted to women, in which case he will become the average guy.
edit See Also
- Crimes inspired by video games
- Video game
- Pac Man Fever
- Pixellated Face Disease
- List of real life hacks and cheat codes