V8 Supercar
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“Who's been a bad boy?”
~ Russell Ingall on Paul Morris
“You call this a shag wagon?”
~ Russell Ingall on Crapbox Commodore's Carpet
“Oh boy, he's really going to get it now!”
~ Paul Morris on James Courtney after he backended Morris
“Who cares about the Championship? I've just won Bathurst!”
~ Greg Murphy on The Championship
“Now it's time to see the big cunts, err...guns”
~ Neil Crompton on V8 Supercar Drivers
“That cunt stole my lion!”
~ Paul Morris on Neil Crompton
“Yep, I can drive too! I even won a race!”
~ Grant Denyer on Being more annoying the Eddie Macguire
Australians love two things: drinking and driving. No Australian can think of a better way to spend a long weekend than having a few drinks, driving 500 kilometres to a racetrack somewhere out in the bush, drinking a slabfull of beer, watching some other blokes driving around for a bit, having a few more stubbies (if the first slab's starting to wear off), trying to create the biggest groundpizza of the day or seeing if they can projectile vomit onto the track (extra points awarded for hitting a car or double points for getting it through the side window of the car) and then driving 500 miles back home.
This is where V8 Supercars racing comes in - alcohol fumes meet petrol fumes (The petrol is now alcohol, talk about drink driving!) in a dead-set, true-blue, green-and-gold, no-beg-pardons, if-you-don't-mind-umpire stoush between Ford and Holden.
All Australians are required by law to pick a side, though most find that their parents picked one for them at birth, long before they were christened and about the same time as they were put on the waiting list for membership of the Melbourne Cricket Club. Holden fans waggishly suggest that Ford stands for "Found on Rubbish Dumps", "Fixed or Repaired Daily", "Fucked on Race Day" and when reversed, it can stand for "Driver Returns on Foot", while Ford fans waggishly assert that Holden stands for "Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents and Engine Noise", "Hold On, Low Down Engine Noise" and "Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now". They both had to collectively pitch in to ban the Skyline GT-R's in the early 90's because Holden and Ford knew they would never beat one on the track with such crap cars.
The beauty of V8 Supercars is that anyone can win, even the Indian taxi driver that Ford hired in their Top Team wannabe car, or the Asian dude from the Wiggles, driving the Big Red Car for Holden Racing Team. But one thing those series would want is the fact that passing happens often. Often you see guys start at the back of the grid and finish first, this means that either the driver is very good (at taking shortcuts) or his competition sucks. (Morris and Dumbrell often help out by clearing unwanted garbage at times.)
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[edit] Kings of the Mountain
The highlight of the V8 season is always the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 at the sacred Viking burial mound of Mount Panorama, near Bathurst. An average of 1,000,000 spectators turn up to have a drink, so technically the cars can run on the alcohol exhaled by the crowd, but few teams like to do this as the lumps of carrot in the vomit can cause fuel-line blockages. Ugly, but hey, it's organic!
Drivers get together, some local and some internationally, just so the Aussies can laugh at their crummy driving skills. It's always good fun to see a punch up between father and son, Aussies and Kiwis and teammates alike! Just don't forget to bring your balaclava, otherwise you'll be getting Greg Murphy in your face.
In the time-honoured Australian tradition, the wallopers are chased off and their divvy vans turned over and set on fire, and with a bit of luck a kangaroo will get onto the track and get skittled by a Commodore, which is perfect for the barbie; Yep, Skippy still hasn't learnt not to play on the road.
Bathurst weekend is without a doubt the most important date on the Australian sporting calendar (AFL Grand Final, NRL Grand Final, Melbourne Cup, Australian Open tennis, Formula One Grand Prix, Boxing Day Test, Tri-nations rugby, and Anzac Day two-up). It is also the one event that enables foreign visitors to see contemporary Australian culture at its most drunk.
Sadly, in 1992, the joyous occasion turned to tragedy on "Sunday, Bloody Rotten Friggin' Bastard Sunday", when the trophy went overseas for the first time, having been won by the Godzilla Racing Team's Nissan Skyline GT-R. But only because it was raining, they had a turbo and a reliable car and the bastards had four-wheel-drive. Now let's never speak of it again.
[edit] The origins of Ford vs. Holden
In order to be taken seriously by the rest of th wrold, it is generally accepted that a nation needs to have a serious ethnic dispute of its own, a national wet t-shirt competition, or its very own nuclear arsenal. Aside from a minor rivalry with New Zealand (but they don't count as no-one takes them seriously, anyway), Australia has none of these. A national government enquiry into this found that creating a rivalry would be the best way forward, and so the Ford vs. Holden wars were created. Like England and Ireland, America and Canada, France and pretty much any other nation you could care to name, the creation of the Ford vs. Holden rivalry presented Australia with a simple problem: you're either red or you're blue, and there's no two ways about it.
The creation of this rivalry offered a multitude of possibilities, a term no Australian actually understood, and so everything degenerated into a Cold War mentality. Both sides of the conflict spent more and more on building faster and better cars and kept trying to find out what the other side was doing at the same time as they struggled to stop the other side from doing the same to them. This trend continued into the driver market, with respective sides stealing drivers away from one car to race another. At one point, all the Ford drivers were racing in Holdens and all the Holden drivers were in Fords.
[edit] Making it fun
To keep things interesting, V8 Supercar organisers and Australian Correctional Facilities make a point of participating in the race proper by placing obstacles such as cardboard boxes (some which contain convicted drug addicts), washing machines, fridges, TV's, various Toyota vehicles, Mitsubishi Sigmas, Truck Tyres, convicted rapists(tied to the road), plastic bags (Known to make Falcons blow up), koalas, wallabies and dead kangaroos on the track to make a slalom course (which turns out to be a destruction derby). It is then up to the drivers to take the punt on whether the boxes are empty and they can plough through them Jackie Chan-style (pictured right), or whether that innocuous-looking pile of cardboard actually contains a prisoner or even worse the old engine block out of Grandpa's clapped-out Toyota Corona.
Other animals and objects commonly placed on the track for a bit of a laugh include wombats (those little bastards can knock your sump cover right up into your crankshaft), emus, tires, ball joints, old clothes, mattresses, old sofas, dead bodies, soccer balls, ball bearings, beer kegs, speed cameras, retired police cars, road signs, traffic ligths, speed limit signs, old holden V8 motors, broken down Mitsubishi Magnas and the classic favourite; TAC Advertising signs.
Most V8 Supercars drivers have their windscreen and driver's-side window covered in chicken wire to keep the beer bottles out. In recent years, advances in digital camera technology have enabled drivers to make a note of who's been throwing stuff at them, so that when they've finished necking the Moet on the podium they can fling the empty bottle at the bastard. Most Bathurst holiday packages include insurance that covers driver-inflicted magnum trauma.
Occasionally a rock will be thrown out onto the track mid race. This is referred to as the mid race chicane and is designed to test the driver skill. One year Dick Johnson was caught out by this and his Ford was not up to the beating endured and subsequently exploded. This resulted in a manipulation of the Australian public by breaking down in tears on national television and guilting the public into giving him money to build a stronger car, with a big-assed Kenworth bullbar, to contest the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 the next year. Too bad for him that Brockie won it anyway. Bloody Toranas.
[edit] Current Teams and Drivers
The current 2009 line-up is as follows:
Porker Vodafone Team (Hog) The best Ford team due to the fact they have coperations everywhere, heck they even had Lewis Hamilton race for them. They're that global and rich, they don't need Ford's stinking money because they made their millions in Pork. Anyone supporting them is known to have caught "Swine Flu"
1. Jamie Twincup - Should really watch where she's driving, dinted poor Toodlers car overseas a while back. Won the championship despite not racing in New Zealand due to the fact that he bribes Mr Cocorine with Naked Pictures of him to make his illegal car legal.
888. Craig Low - Used to be the Golden Boy, now is the second fiddle thanks to covenently timed failures to prevent him from winning.
Really Shit Holden Team (Holden)
Apparantly the factory team, these guys can't win for crap and often win by bribing the offcials and other Holden teams to clear the way, thanks to their crazy boss, Uncle Tom.
2. Darth Varder - A 10 foot pole who married a showgirl that drives better then he does (Ironic that she drives for a tail end team) is often beaten by his younger teammate.
22. Will David - After a successful year driving a poor car to great results, people wonder what he'll do with a factory backed car. It's too bad he needs help from his teammates in order to do well.
Tasmanian Motorsport (Holden) Despite the name, they're actually Kiwis that seem to be good at Bathurst, so you can bet your bottom dollar they don't care about anything else. Crashing into them (Most likely the other way around) is likely to end up in an all out Brawl.
3. Jason Bagwanka - A midget that won Bathurst with a 10 foot pole. Crashes out often at Phillip Island in specacular fashion.
51. Geg Murph - Is living off the glory of "that lap." Needs to grow up and move on. Won Bathurst 3 times but hasn't done jack shit other than that. Knows how to use that big mouth of his to full advantage.
Stoned Brothers Racing (Ford)
Druggies, convicts, shamed movie stars and former Vice Presidents make up this team. They are usually the victims of most major incidents, be it the Holdens, Kiwis (They're usually Holden anyway) or Red Necks (Holdens as well). See a pattern here?
4. Al Gore - Promoted his green ways into V8 Supercar racing, its too bad he can't really perform out on the track. Then again, if you goit beaten by Bush, then you really suck.
9. Shame Van Gisbon - The Dutchman has been kicked out of New Zealand and now owes the Aussies some money after murdering his old team.
Ford Pissweak Racing (Ford)
The Ford factory team. They decided to cut fundings to all the other Ford teams because they were doing better then them. They want people to feel pity for them, but its a bit hard considering they have all the money and the cars to do it, must be the organic things between the wheel and the seat.
5. Mark Frozenass - Some sore loser that just can't find his "zone." Known to choke when the pressure's on.
6. Stevie "Son of a" Retard - This guy doesn't know if he's Red or Blue. Just as big a choker if not more then Frozenass. Know to piss off Geg off by shoving a few up the arse, (Get your mind out of the Gutter! Although they did have something special in 1999.)
Redneck Racing (Formally Larry Perky Craddles) (Holden) The equiviliant of the Holden Young Lions team they had before, but they feed their babbies with Jack Daniels, making sure they help out the higher ranked Holden teams. It is sad to see a legend's team being reduced to this...
7. Redneck "Toddler" Kelly - The infint brother of Bucktooth, Can beat "pRick" Kelly on Bikes. Joined the team when they realiazed that they can't win with infants. His stupid pRick brother is better. His name is Toddler to reflect the youth policy at the team.
11. Jack "The Hack" Perky - Is only a tenth the age of his famous father, but has a thousandth of his talent. Is still better then the Kellys and Wood tho...
15. Bucktooth "pRick" Kelly - A yokel that won in 2006 after crashing into his main rivals, know for his catchphrase "If you can't beat 'em ... punt 'em off". Speculation is rife as to whether his balls will drop before he actually wins a race or vice versa.
16. Goodo Woodo - Offcial "take out" guy. (Red Rooster sponsers him!) Known to take out a few rivals all in the name of helping out the Kelly Brothers.
Back Out Car Racing (Holden)
A strong history of flipping people runs strong in this family. On the border of NSW and Victoria, they could claim that they are the only NSW team, but they're better of claimming they're Vics anyway.
8. Jase "Not Jimbo's Son" Retard - Some Kiwi that came out of nowhere, only to roll over. Claims to be the 2nd fastest driver ever.
13. Andy "On His Back" Jones - This guy is accused of flipping his Uncle many times. But flipping over does run in the family.
14. Cam McConman - A dirty conman, reported to have stolen points off the top runners, he can out run anyone, pity it isn't about running. Said to be the fittest man in pitlane.
21. Badass Jones - The original King of Spin, he could make the car spin around normally or on its roof. Unlike the new King, at least he can keep it in his pants.
Tool HSV Cheater Team (Holden) Another of Uncle Tom's franchises, except this one is run by the Kellys. The Kellys are so serious about winning, they got rid of their son Todd, its just too bad they replaced him with a total dumbass.
10. Paul Dumbass - Takes out his way better teammates, because he doesn't want them to outscore him, he can even ruin their races by not even getting into the car! Try telling him V8Supercars isn't a demolition derby.
Moby Dick Racing (Ford)
The oldest Ford team there is. Once a fisherman from Ipswitch, Big Dick decided to try his luck at the V8s, not only did he win a few races. he's got the most championships, but nobody remembers those, they only care about Bathurst, and we all know how Big Dick's gone at Bathurst...
17. Stevie J Dick - Is a son of a Dick and weighs just as much as the famous whale, it's said that his father thereats him with Japanese Pay Drivers to harpoon him is where he gets his speed. His heavy weight makes his car very slow, but yet somehow is contending for the Championship.
18. Jim Carrey - Fresh from the States, he's willing to do anything for TV Time. He got kicked out of Dancing with the Stars for shitty dancing. It just proves driving doesn't improve your ablity to dance. Got paid a million dollars to join the team, but is costing the team a lot more after he constantly destorys the cars he's not pleased with.
Poor Wanker's Racing (Holden)
Formally by the old man's father, Wanker decided that he was sick of being over lapped by the leaders, so he gave it up to look at even worser drivers getting overtaken, something he;s taken great joy in.
43. Matthew Dee - The team owner that was so crap at driving, he removed himself to give others a better chance.
50. Thomson Thompson- A bumbling decetive that used to probe other teams.
Team Sheep Racing - (Ford/Holden) The equiviliant of Minardi, except they're liked by no one. Known to be the butt of all jokes Kiwi, you can see why the Aussies take the mickey of their Sheep loving buds across the Tasman.
021.- No actual driver takes this spot as Kiwi paydrivers are constantly rotated. Hey, they're better then Aussie paydrivers at least (Which isn't saying much.) If that fails, they could always call in the Bahraini paydriver, at least he finished ahead of Skaife.
Cold Bundy Racing - (Holden)
While many have been debating if Cold Bundy Racing is a two man team or not, offcially it is, although the relationship with Team Intacar Racing says otherwise.
24. David Renyolds - Top Bloke. Always a star outside the track to all fans. Too bad the same can't be said on track.
Team Intacar Racing - (Ford) While many have been debating if Team Intacar Racing is a two man team or not, offcially it is, although the relationship with Cold Bundy Racing says otherwise.
77. Farkus Farceshall - A pay driver that somehow got the fastest ever lap at Winton ahead of the big names. Does that mean he's no longer a pay driver? Said to be a tool off the track.
Jason Dim Racing (Ford)
Started by a dumb Frontrunner who thought himself to be the greatest driver ever, so good that he could beat them in a scrapheap. Well, at least he can being his shitbox to the top 10, but often crashes out due to the sheer crapiness of the car, however, Dim is not as stupid as first thought, he made sure he got himself a wealthy paydriver to pay up, so he then can go on beating hacks in better cars. Is often seen with Tubby Taylor, often giving away free things, courtesy of the Paydriver so that his team gets more publicity. The bigger question remains, Is JDR a rich crap team or a great team with woeful reliablity?
25. Jason Dim - An unintelligent frontrunner who gave it all away just to be in a total shitbox of a car, being overlapped by the people he passed before. Seems to crash out more then finish...
Jolly Roger Motorship (Holden)
Used to be the Premier Youth Team for Holden, now is seen as a joke as Jolly Roger himself turned himself into a pimp and got himself some cool bling. While his wealth grows, his team suffers, but at least the team does have a purpose in Uncle Tom's plan.
33. Mr Holdsworth - a no name servent whose job is to give points to fellow Holden drivers by making pretend accidents.
34. Michelle Caruso - An Italian paydriver that somehow won the Tubby Taylor Series last year.
37. Dean Cunta - A bully, thrashes young little drivers in the Tubby Taylor Series, yet he can't race for crap in the main game.
DDD Racing - (Holden)
An awesome team that takes no crap from anyone (Although Tony Longhurst might have something to say about it) This team has a couple of grumpy old men, but hey, who doesn't like that show?
39. Rusty Imagirl - She's the Bridesmaid of just about every driver in the series. Is rumored to be getting dirty with DDD with seatcovers and crowbars.
67. Dirty Dangerous Dude - V8 Supercar's answer to Takuma Sato, he'll takeout anyone and give'em a large repair bill while notable getting away without a scratch. He totally raped Redneck Kelly and was suspended for a race for it, but he then came again and knocked Satan's block off. Promised to give Jim Carrey one soon. If he can't pass you, he'll either ram you or run over you (as one unfortuante driver found out the hard way.)
Rod Bashing Raching (Holden) Rod Bash and Tony Longhurst tried to run a team, but since they lacked the funds, they do what any great team would do, get a paydriver and be sponsered by an alcahol company. Brilliant!
55. Anthony D'Albert - An Italian paydriver that actually has talent, it's a pity he can't qualify for crap.
62. Steven Owe - Owes a lot of money after Autobarn sued him, now he's paying it off by driving for them. Scares people off with his different coloured eyes.
Paul Crackpot Racing (Ford) A decent team thanks to the imported drivers they get. Ranging from the nephew of David Coulturd and the brother of Ishmeal Davidson. Where do they get them? WHo knows?
111. Fabian Coulturd - Nephew of David Coulturd and is far less talented then his Famous F1 uncle. Yet somehow seems to be the more successful one as Mark Webber owns up his uncle and somehow they found a pot of gold to make their crapbox go faster.
222. Pademe Vader - The wife of the infamous Holden Driver. She's the only decent female driver in the world (She won the development series twice!) and can hold her own if a few blokes give her a tap from behind.
333. Chist Patrizi - Named after Jesus, not much can be said about this Pay Driver...yet, aside from the fact that his sponsers hate him so much, they do the Zidane on him.
Team Black Racing Another team that failed to make it to the grid after so much promise. At least they find a way to make constant income by doing other things. Do remember, they were race drivers before being known as "That Prick on 7" and "That cunt who can't sing."
29. Grant Denyer - Dangerous when exhausted, will have sex with a Black man His smile rivals that of Satan and looking at it will cause blindness. Now that he has won a race, he's getting his grove back on, it's too bad he broke his back while driving a monster truck, (or rather, a Hilux.)
69. Shannon Noll - Driving around in the Wiggles Big Red Car, often ends disputes with a boxing match. (Much like Pual Morris, except he loses his matches.
[edit] Calender
There are 14 rounds in the season. Every part of Australia is covered except the ACT, Which John Howard complained about because he couldn't hold his meetings as everyone was too interested in seeing a whale win a race. Instead, we go to a desert island, it would've been cheaper to race in the middle of Australia, but Mr Cocharine wanted global appeal, so yeah. We used to go to China, but that was before the crappy track conditions nearly killed all the Kiwi drivers.
An interesting thing to note is that every track is somehow involved to F1. Who ever said that the V8's weren't ripping off the FIA?
0. Fat Albert Park 100 VIC
Not actually a race, because under good agreements with the FIA, They are the only reason keeping F1 in Australia, but then again, its in Melbourne, they'll watch just about anything if the word Sport is involved. This is the only race where its really Ford vs Holden as they are split at the grid, so meaning even if you qualify as the 10th fastest, if you're the 10th fastest Ford, you'd start 20th. The winners of this race was McConville and Richards after every one tipped it was going to be sunny but wasn't and due to the fact they can't pit, were stuck on Drys, meaning the bottom rung drivers drove to a 1-2. Clever bastards eh?
1. Clip All 500 SA
2. Lewis Hamelton 400 NZ
3. Win None 400 VIC
4. Frodo's Ring Challenge 400 TAS
5. King Dick's Crown Down Unda 400 NT
6. Redneck Tyres 400 QLD
7. Sand Down Killer Viruses 360 VIC
8. The Paperclip 400 QLD
9. Laurie and Howes PI 500 VIC
10. BATHURST (Supa Cheap Too) 1000 NSW
11. Generic Race Event Single-Digit-Number times 100 QLD
12. Krudd's Awesome 20-20 (Laps not race distance, stupid Pollies.) around Parliment House ACT
13. Oh la la Camels on an Island 400 BAH
14. Want a BBQ Roo 300 WA
15. Home for Bush 500 NSW
[edit] The day that Mel Gibson got completely rooted by a stray 'roo
One of the most memorable moments in Bathurst history was the 1978 race, when the supercharged Betty Ford Clinic Ford Falcon XB Hardtop Interceptor piloted by local heroes "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Mel Gibson was knocked out of contention after the young Gibson hit a track-record 27 kangaroos on Conrod Straight on lap 52. Gibson and Rockatansky were two laps in front of second-placed Peter Brock and the Wiggles Big Red Car (Holden Torana) at the time.
The marsupial femur that penetrated the two-door Falcon's radiator at a closing speed of 314km/h was like a knife through the heart of Gibson's and Rockatansky's dreams of victory and unspeakable debauchery with a bevy of lycra-clad grid girls. The event was later fictionalised in the movie Mad Max, which starred Gibson as Max Rockatansky and Jack Thompson as Gibson. Mad Max 2 later told the story of their attempt the following year at the Cannonball Run from Adelaide to Darwin, while Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome was a documentary about Tina Turner's recording of the V8 Supercars theme song Simply the Best at the K-Mart Tyre and Auto Service at Calder Park, north of Melbourne.
[edit] The V8 Supercar's place in Australian culture
Since Australia has no tribal or ethnic rivalries, apart from the Serbs, Croats, Italians, Greeks, Turks and Armenians getting stuck into each other at the soccer, the Lebanese and the rednecks getting stuck into each other on the beach, and the Vietnamese getting stuck into it at the nightclubs with anyone who fancies a bit, the country had to manufacture one.
After all, Australians love a bit of a stink, and if your best mate follows the same footy team as you, has the same sexual orientation as you, always buys his round and isn't rooting your missus, there's no real reason to give him a punch in the gob. Luckily, with V8 Supercars, there's a 50 per cent chance that he bats for the other team (or so to speak), so you can feel perfectly justified in giving him a smack in the chops on the first weekend of October.
In the artsy-fartsy arena, V8 Supercars have also proved a durable hit. The original V8 Supercars movie (which Sony Pictures released in foreign markets as TOCA Race Car Driver) starred Russell Crowe as a young Mel Gibson, while the ageing Mel Gibson reprised his role as "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Kylie Minogue and Germaine Greer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. In Australia, the film made more money than E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark and Crocodile Dundee put together.
V8 Supercars 2 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 2) starred a young Hugh Jackman as Russell Crowe and an ageing Russell Crowe as Mel Gibson, while Guy Sebastian played Tina Turner and Dannii Minogue and John Brumby made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. It made more than A.I., Tomb Raider and Crocodile Dundee 2 put together.
V8 Supercars 3 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3) starred a feeble Peter Allen as a young Hugh Jackman, an ageing Mel Gibson as a young Russell Crowe and a doddery Tina Turner as a young Guy Sebastian, while Nicole Kidman and Clive James made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film made more than MIB, MIIB, Halo 2 and Titanic put together. Who says Australian cinema is formulaic and predictable?
V8 Supercars 4 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3 2.0) is rumoured to star Ernie Dingo as an aging Pauline Hanson, an aging Mel Gibson as an aging Hugh Jackman playing Heath Ledger while Dame Edna Everage and Jackie O weaving will make cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film will be more than Rocky Balboa, Crocodile Dundee , Crocodile Dundee 2 and Crocodile Dundee 3 all multiplied together. See, we used a different formula.
[edit] Further reading
| Title | Author / publisher |
| Brock, Stock, and One Smoking Two-Barrel Carbie | Peter Brock |
| How I Had Sex With Every Woman, Apart From My Fake Wife | Peter Brock |
| No, Honestly, I'm Not Bonkers - Putting that Crystal in the Engine Really Does Make Your Car Go Faster (I Just Don't Have the $750,000 for Scientific Validation) | Peter Brock |
| We're Not Making That Stupid Peter Brock Crystal Car Anymore (1996 press release) | Holden Australia |
| How to throw everything away by going to a crap team | Craig Lowndes |
| Getting it done on your back | Brad Jones |
| I Should Have Stuck to Motorbikes | Wayne Gardner |
| Cenovis Vitamins Pty Ltd Annual Report 1996 | Alan Moffat |
| Zen and the Art of debarking trees at 100kph | Dick Johnson |
| How to piss off your brother, teammate and your rival by being an arrogent prick and crashing into them | Rick Kelly |
| Its Offcial...I suck | Mark Skaife |
| Getting dirty on the racetrack | Dirty Dangerous Dude |
