V8 Supercar
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“There's nothing better then watching two guys going at it!”
Australians love two things: drinking and driving. No Australian can think of a better way to spend a long weekend than having a few drinks, driving 500 kilometres to a racetrack somewhere out in the bush, drinking a slabfull of beer, watching some other blokes driving around for a bit, having a few more beers, trying to create the biggest groundpizza of the day or seeing if they can projectile vomit onto the track (extra points awarded for hitting a car or double points for getting it through the side window of the car) and then driving 500 miles back home to the dunnydoor.
This is where V8 Supercars racing comes in. Alcohol fumes meet petrol fumes (The petrol is now alcohol, talk about drink driving!) in a dead-set, true-blue, green-and-gold, no-beg-pardons, if-you-don't-mind-umpire stoush between Ford and Holden.
All Australians are required by law to pick a side, though most find that their parents picked one for them at birth, long before they were christened and about the same time as they were put on the waiting list for membership of the Melbourne Cricket Club. Holden fans waggishly suggest that Ford stands for "Found on Rubbish Dumps", "Fixed or Repaired Daily", "Fucked on Race Day" and when reversed, it can stand for "Driver Returns on Foot", while Ford fans waggishly assert that Holden stands for "Holes, Oil Leaks, Dents and Engine Noise", "Hold On, Low Down Engine Noise" and "Hope Our Luck Doesn't End Now". They both had to collectively pitch in to ban the Skyline GT-R's in the early 90's because Holden and Ford knew they would never beat one on the track with such crap cars.
The beauty of V8 Supercars is that anyone can win, even the Indian taxi driver that Ford hired in their top team wannabe car, or the Asian dude from the Wiggles, driving the Big Red Car for Holden Racing Team. But one thing these series would want is the fact that passing happens often. Often you see guys start at the back of the grid and then finish first, this means that either the driver is very good (at taking shortcuts) or his competition sucks (Morris and Dumbrell often help out by clearing unwanted garbage at times).
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edit Kings of the Mountain
The highlight of the V8 season is always the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 at the sacred Viking burial mound of Mount Panorama, near Bathurst. An average of 1,000,000 spectators turn up to have a drink, so technically the cars can run on the alcohol exhaled by the crowd, but few teams like to do this as the lumps of carrot in the vomit can cause fuel-line blockages. Ugly, but hey, it's organic!
Drivers get together, some local and some internationally, just so the Aussies can laugh at their crummy driving skills. It's always good fun to see a punch up between father and son, Aussies and Kiwis and teammates alike! Just don't forget to bring your balaclava, otherwise you'll be getting Greg Murphy in your face.
Bathurst weekend is without a doubt the most important date on the Australian sporting calendar (AFL Grand Final, NRL Grand Final, Melbourne Cup, Australian Open tennis, Formula One Grand Prix, Boxing Day Test, Tri-nations rugby, and Anzac Day two-up). It is also the one event that enables foreign visitors to see contemporary Australian culture at its most drunk.
edit The origins of Ford vs. Holden
In order to be taken seriously by the rest of the world, it is generally accepted that a nation needs to have a serious ethnic dispute of its own, a national wet t-shirt competition, or its very own nuclear arsenal. Aside from a minor rivalry with New Zealand (but they don't count as no-one takes them seriously, anyway), Australia has none of these. A national government enquiry into this found that creating a rivalry would be the best way forward, and so the Ford vs. Holden wars were created. Like England and Ireland, America and Canada, France and pretty much any other nation you could care to name, the creation of the Ford vs. Holden rivalry presented Australia with a simple problem: you're either red or you're blue, and there's no two ways about it.
The creation of this rivalry offered a multitude of possibilities, a term no Australian actually understood, and so everything degenerated into a Cold War mentality. Both sides of the conflict spent more and more on building faster and better cars and kept trying to find out what the other side was doing at the same time as they struggled to stop the other side from doing the same to them. This trend continued into the driver market, with respective sides stealing drivers away from one car to race another. At one point, all the Ford drivers were racing in Holdens and all the Holden drivers were in Fords, therefore all driver's are purple.
edit Making it fun
To keep things interesting, V8 Supercar organisers and Australian Correctional Facilities make a point of participating in the race proper by placing obstacles such as cardboard boxes (some which contain convicted homeless drug addicts), washing machines, fridges, TV's, various Toyota vehicles, Mitsubishi Sigmas, truck tyres, convicted rapists (tied to the road), plastic bags (known to make Falcons blow up), koalas, wallabies and dead kangaroos on the track to make a slalom course (which turns out to be a destruction derby). It is then up to the drivers to take the punt on whether the boxes are empty and they can plough through them Jackie Chan-style (pictured right), or whether that innocuous-looking pile of cardboard actually contains a prisoner or even worse the old engine block out of Grandpa's clapped-out Toyota Corona.
Other animals and objects commonly placed on the track for a bit of a laugh include wombats (those little bastards can knock your sump cover right up into your crankshaft), emus, tires, ball joints, old clothes, mattresses, old sofas, dead bodies, soccer balls, ball bearings, beer kegs, speed cameras, retired police cars, road signs, traffic ligths, speed limit signs, old Holden V8 motors, broken down Mitsubishi Magnas and the classic favourite; TAC Advertising signs that say "speed kills" or "drink and drive, bloody idiots".
Most V8 Supercar drivers have their windscreen and driver's-side window covered in chicken wire to keep the beer bottles out. Some Falcons even have a big Kenworth bullbar up front. In recent years, advances in digital camera technology have enabled drivers to make a note of who's been throwing stuff at them, so that when they've finished necking the Moet on the podium they can fling the empty bottle at the bastard. Most Bathurst holiday packages include insurance that covers driver-inflicted magnum trauma.
Occasionally a rock will be thrown out onto the track mid race. This is referred to as the mid race chicane and is designed to test the driver skill. One year, Dick Johnson (from Team Big Dick) was caught out by this and his Ford Telstar was not up to the beating endured and subsequently exploded. This resulted in a manipulation of the Australian public by breaking down in tears on national television and guilting the public into giving him money to buy a stronger car, a 1976 Holden Kingswood with a big-assed MACK bullbar, to contest the James Hardie Asbestos 1000 the next year. Too bad for him that Brockie won it anyway. Bloody Toranas. At least he won the championship, but who really cares about those?
edit Current Teams and Drivers
Note: While Holden have the numbers, Ford have the quality. Why? Because Ford would rather pay shit teams to make them average rather then make their good teams better and don't have enough to go around, equality at its best. Either side you support, you'll be supporting flithy commies!
The current 2012 line-up is as follows:
Team Smelly Phone (Holden) The best Holden team due to the fact they have corporations everywhere, heck they've even had Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button race for them. They're so global and rich that they don't need Ford's stinking money because they made their millions in pork. Anyone supporting them is known to have caught swine flu quick and proper down the throat.
1. Jami Whingecup - Should really watch where she's driving. She's taken a few poor losers out (like Dim) because she lacks the talent to properly pass them. Despite the fact that she bribes Mr Cockrane with stuff to make her illegal car legal and not to give a penalty when she knocks them around, she still managed to win the championship, what does that say about her?
888. Craig Lousy - Used to be the team's Golden Boy, now is the second fiddle thanks to conveniently timed failures to prevent him from winning. One has to wonder how he keeps smiling when his team offer up a stinking poo of a car while his teammate gets a ton better, how he hasn’t decked the little idiot yet is still anyone’s guess.
Horrible Racing Team (Holden) - Apparently the Holden factory team, these guys can't win for crap, so badly in fact that they had to buy the champion off a team that couldn’t afford to pay for his ridiculous salary, then again, they do seem to have a history of that now as its the only thing that keeps the number 1 on the door.
2. Darth Cander - Is said to be the Supreme Leader of the Horrible Racing Team, he’s even called his teammate a cunt to boot! (Or was that for Dim? Wanting him to win over his teammate?)
22. Jim Carrey - Lost his big shiny number 1, proving that having a shitload of money allows you to lose the championship. To his old team, he was like a god, now let’s see how the bastard goes when he releases that he’ll be the one on his knees to his teammate.
D Mafia Racing (Holden) - Run by the D’Alberto family, Australian mafia if you will. They take their racing very seriously. If you don’t like they way they run their team, they’re going to make you an offer that you can refuse to keep your mouth shut.
3. Fat Tony D’Alberto – The son of Don D’Alberto and first in line. He has an iron fist and will strike great damage on anyone that dares to question his status as the best privateer in the country.
Stoned Bruddas Racing (Ford) The first ever V8 Supercar team to be run mostly by Aboriginal people. This team's cars were stolen from the Smelly Fone garage and painted with pre-sniffed paint, and the cars run on pre-sniffed petrol (Not enough to win races as they just fall short.) Only tool companies sponsor this team, which makes the team popular with yabbos.
4. Lee Holds-his-worth - Hold's his worth despite never winning. This guy is bascically the Holden version of Van Cheeseburger, you'd expect him to win ever race. Apparently you can win in his car, despite what he says...
9. Shame Van Cheeseburger - The underaged Dutchman has been kicked out of New Zealand and now owes McDonald's some money after murdering his old team. Has been publicly named and shamed by the Marks (and Neil).
47. Him Sladed - Used to be known as the "Ace of Slades", owns a gardening shop. Also likes to run an underground bookkeeping market that makes sure the championship is tight at the very end before deciding to crown the driver that would net him the most profit, sneaky bastard. His black money allows him to run car 7, because what kind of shitty number is 47 anyway?
Ford Pricks Racing (Ford) The Ford factory team. They decided to cut fundings to all the other Ford teams because they were doing better than them. They want people to feel pity for them, but it’s a bit hard considering they have all the money and the cars to do it, must be the organic things between the wheel and the seat.
5. Mark Frozenass - Some sore loser that just can't find his "zone." If this guy is really Ford’s best hope for the championship, Ford is offically screwed.
6. Will David – Fresh from his debut with Prick Team, Will has decided to be crap and lose.
55. David Craynolds - The Essendon Legend and famous crayfisher decided that driving the worst car in the field was crap so he decided to move to the Prick Team. Too bad that he got the worst car in the team. But hey, better to be in a crapbox of a car then in no car at all, right?
Redneck Racing (Holden) - The equivalent of the Holden Young Lions team they had before, but they feed their babies with Jack Daniels, making sure they help out the higher ranked Holden teams. It is sad to see a legend's team being reduced to this...
7. Redneck "Toddler" Kelly - The dumbass elder brother of Prick, Can beat him on bikes. Joined the team when they realised that they can't win with lameos. Got kicked out of the factory Holden team cause he was too good and they needed a crap driver.
11. Greg Smurfy - Used to be the golden boy of Kiwiland, still is somehow despite the fact that he can’t race for peanuts these days. He’s so bad that he got sponsored by Pepsi! Even Wayne Gardner got sponsored by Coke (This is his V8 Supercar career, which was nothing like his biking career)! Oh well, at least he ditched the crappy 51 to a number that actually has a history of success behind it now.
15. Prick Kelly - A yokel that won in 2006 after crashing into his main rivals, known for his catchphrase "If you can't beat 'em, punt 'em off". Speculation is rife as to whether his balls will drop before he actually wins a race or vice versa.
16. Karl Dimeler – Got kicked out of BJR cause Dim was sick of paying him dimes. Moved his Sheddy sponsorship to Rednecks.
Big Joke Racing (Holden)- A strong history of flipping people runs strong in this family. On the border of NSW and Victoria, they could claim that they are the only NSW team, but they're better of claimming they're Vics anyway.
8. Jason "Sovery" Dim - An unintelligent frontrunner who gave it all away just to be in a total shitbox of a car, being overlapped by the people he passed before. Seems to crash out more than finish. Foolishly accepted a deal with SBR, and then relegated to third in line and getting an even crappier deal.
14. Fabian Crashhard – Always a star outside the track to all fans. Too bad the same can't be said on track. Is said to be the cousin of David Crashhard, well at least we know Fabian drives better than him!
21. Al Gore - Promoted his green ways into V8 Supercar racing, its too bad he can't really perform out on the track. Then again, if you got beaten by Bush, then you really suck. Is starting to prove that he is better than his brother though (So what? He was higher than him last year!) so keep an eye on this one.
Moby Dick Racing (Ford)- The oldest Ford team there is. Once a fisherman from Ipswich, Moby Dick decided to try his luck at the V8s, not only did he win a few races. he's got the most championships, but nobody remembers those, they only care about Bathurst, and we all know how Moby's gone at Bathurst... So old timer, that you’d have to be a son of a Dick to join! Even Funny Fords Fiore did!
12. Deano The Dino - This mofo won't take any crap from those with better cars then him. He’s so awesome that he got Ford sponsorship money! Then again, so did every other Ford team because there’s not many remaining, but don’t tell him that, he’s a battler! Aussies loves battlers!
17. Stevie Wonder. - Is a son of a Dick and weighs just as much as the famous whale, it's said that his father threatens him with Japanese pay drivers to harpoon him is where he gets his speed. His heavy weight makes his whale-shaped Ford Territory V8 race box, built by FTG Auto Salvage, very slow, but yet somehow is contending for the championship. Imagine if he weighed as much as a normal driver. It also helps that he takes very good care of his car, don’t you dare think about making the best looking car in the field ugly!
18. Jimmy Muffler, Jr. – This guy is the son of Allen Muffler and he knows how to pleases the ladies with his excellent technique! It’s yet to be seen if he can convert his success with the ladies into the V8 main game...
49. Steve Owned - This guy again? How many chances has this guy been given already? Let’s face it... he’s too good for the 2nd tier series, but he’s too shit for the main game. And what’s up with the 49? Whatever happened to 67? Why not 69? Everyone loves 69!
Technical Autosports (Ford)- Some random team that joined Big Dick than got forced out because they won a race. Licence is actually owned by Dim but he was broke and leased it to the Webbs. New and improved with Dirty Dangerous Dude onboard.
19. Spider Webb – Is not cool enough to be in the team of legends, so he was forced out, but at least he takes the number 19 with him, denying the team of legends to ever have the son of Glenn Seton or John Bowe (or even Larry Perkins) to drive for them. What a douche!
91. Andrew Chompson - Isn't cool enough to drive for Smelly Fone so went to a backmarker team instead. Brought a pet Monster with him too.
Lucas Dumbell Racing - (Holden) Run by the crippled brother of Paul, Lucas plans to run a car that will better his treacherous brother’s efforts in a bid to show who is the better brother. Because in the sport of V8 Supercar racing, fathers race with their sons, brothers with their brothers (wives with their husbands don’t count). To go against the brother rule is one way to make the whole V8 Supercar world shun you, and with that support, Lucas plans to channel it into a car so awesome! Too bad it kinda is lacking in the awesome department at the moment...
30. Tazmanian Devil – Since this is Australia after all, a lovely Tasmanian Devil drives this car. The animal was a force to be reckoned with in the V8 Utes (Super Australian idea! Why not replace the cars with utes?) It’s just too bad Tazzie sucks with cars...
Jolly Roger Motorship (Holden) - Used to be the premier youth team for Holden, now is seen as a joke as Jolly Roger himself turned himself into a pimp and got himself some cool bling. While his wealth grows, his team suffers, but at least the team does have a purpose in Uncle Tom's plan.
33. Scotty McCreery - Fresh from his American Idol win, Scotty decided to channel his inner spirit to motor racing. Remains to be seen how he goes.
34. Michelle Caruso - One of the only women in the series, Michelle doesn’t really perform. She likes to pick on retarded people and crash them into walls.
Walky Shaw Racing (Holden) - Went from a solid team to a shit team. The team is so shit that they had to sell one of the cars to make the other better. The number 66 is to show how Australian they are as 66 is a really Australian number! Either that or the fact that 66 is the only number that they could afford (You have to buy your numbers of VE$A, what the hell?)
66. - Rusty Imagirl - She's the bridesmaid of just about every driver in the series. Is rumored to be getting dirty with seatcovers and crowbars.
Team Smelly Phone (Holden) The best Holden team due to the fact they have corporations everywhere, heck they've even had Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button race for them. They're so global and rich that they don't need Ford's stinking money because they made their millions in pork. Anyone supporting them is known to have caught "Swine Poo" quick and proper down the throat.
88. Jami Whingecup - Should really watch where she's driving, has taken a few poor losers out because she lacks the talent to properly pass them. Despite the fact that she bribes Mr Cocorine with nude pics of herself to make her illegal car legal and not to give a penalty when she knocks them around, she still lost the championship, what does that say about her?
888. Craig Lousy - Used to be the team's Golden Boy, now is the second fiddle thanks to conveniently timed failures to prevent him from winning. One has to wonder how he keeps smiling when his team offer up a stinky poo of a car while his teammate gets a ton better, how he hasn’t decked the little shit yet is still anyone’s guess.
edit 2011 Calendar
There are 13 rounds in the season. Every part of Australia is covered except the ACT, which John Howard complained about because he couldn't hold his meetings as everyone was too interested in seeing a whale win a race It would've been cheaper to race in the middle of Australia, but Mr Cocharine wanted global appeal, so yeah. We used to go to China, but that was before the crappy track conditions nearly killed all the Kiwi drivers. We may go to Singapore to support the F1s, because the V8s make boring tracks interesting with morons crashing into each other, fat fucks going at the speed of sound, night race appeal (they have headlights!) and surprisingly, passing, something that F1 lacks.
An interesting thing to note is that every track is somehow involved to F1. Who ever said that the V8's weren't ripping off the FIA? Apparantly the circuit owners wanted the V8s to come here, but we suspect the big boss have been doing some big favours to get them.
1. YES! A Marina 400 UAE
2. Clip All 500 SA
3. Sucky 400 NZ
4. The Paperclip 400 QLD
5. Horsham-Dimboola 40 VIC
6. Triple Crowned 400 NT
7. Suck Towns Ville 400 QLD
8. Nullarbor 3800 SA/WA
9. Penguin Island 500 VIC
10. Batts First 1000 NSW
11. Silver Coast 500 QLD
12. Walkin' Tassie Challenge 400 TAS
13. Spin-Out 360 VIC
14. Home for Bush 500 NSW
edit 2020 possible races
1. Clip All 700 (extended Adelaide Pond Circuit)
2. Melbourne to Sydney 800
3. Ye Laddie 500, Perth (the Scottish one)
4. The Jungle 1000 (Papua New Guinea)
5. Melbourne-Hobart Amphibious V8 Race
6. Dalai Lama 600 (Tibet)
7. The Race to Climb Mount Everest (Nepal)
8. Apollo 11 Landing Site 500 (The Moon)
9. Big Ben 400 (London)
10. All Around Tassie 5000 (Tasmania)
11. Crash Into Everyone 1000 (A US Freeway)
12. Race Around Some Islands 6000 (Indonesia)
13. Race Around Explosions 800 (Secret Missile Launching Site, 100 Desert Road, Reno, Nevada)
14. Fake Bathurst (Canada)
15. The Paperless Clip 400 VIC
16. Ski Jumps and Crashes in SNOW!! 350 (Finland)
17. Be Careful of Martians 4000 (Mars)
edit The day that Mel Gibson got completely rooted by a stray 'roo
One of the most memorable moments in Bathurst history was the 1978 race, when the supercharged Betty Ford Clinic Ford Falcon XB Hardtop Interceptor piloted by local heroes "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Mel Gibson was knocked out of contention after the young Gibson hit a track-record 27 kangaroos on Conrod Straight on lap 52. Gibson and Rockatansky were two laps in front of second-placed Peter Brock in the Wiggles Big Red Car (Holden Torana) at the time.
The marsupial femur that penetrated the two-door Falcon's radiator at a closing speed of 314km/h was like a knife through the heart of Gibson's and Rockatansky's dreams of victory and unspeakable debauchery with a bevy of lycra-clad grid girls. The event was later fictionalised in the movie Mad Max, which starred Gibson as Max Rockatansky and Jack Thompson as Gibson. Mad Max 2 later told the story of their attempt the following year at the Cannonball Run from Adelaide to Darwin, while Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome was a documentary about Tina Turner's recording of the V8 Supercars theme song Simply the Best at the K-Mart Tyre and Auto Service at Calder Park, north of Melbourne.
edit The V8 Supercar's place in Australian culture
Since Australia has no tribal or ethnic rivalries, apart from the Serbs, Croats, Italians, Greeks, Turks and Armenians getting stuck into each other at the soccer, the Lebanese and the rednecks getting stuck into each other on the beach, and the Vietnamese getting stuck into it at the nightclubs with anyone who fancies a bit, the country had to manufacture one.
After all, Australians love a bit of a stink, and if your best mate follows the same footy team as you, has the same sexual orientation as you, always buys his round and isn't rooting your missus, there's no real reason to give him a punch in the gob. Luckily, with V8 Supercars, there's a 50 per cent chance that he bats for the other team (or so to speak), so you can feel perfectly justified in giving him a smack in the chops on the first weekend of October.
In the artsy-fartsy arena, V8 Supercars have also proved a durable hit. The original V8 Supercars movie (which Sony Pictures released in foreign markets as TOCA Race Car Driver) starred Russell Crowe as a young Mel Gibson, while the ageing Mel Gibson reprised his role as "Mad" Max Rockatansky and Kylie Minogue and Germaine Greer made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. In Australia, the film made more money than E.T., Raiders of the Lost Ark and Crocodile Dundee put together.
V8 Supercars 2 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 2) starred a young Hugh Jackman as Russell Crowe and an ageing Russell Crowe as Mel Gibson, while Guy Sebastian played Tina Turner and Dannii Minogue and John Brumby made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. It made more than A.I., Tomb Raider and Crocodile Dundee 2 put together.
V8 Supercars 3 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3) starred a feeble Peter Allen as a young Hugh Jackman, an ageing Mel Gibson as a young Russell Crowe and a doddery Tina Turner as a young Guy Sebastian, while Nicole Kidman and Clive James made cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film made more than MIB, MIIB, Halo 2 and Titanic put together. Who says Australian cinema is formulaic and predictable?
V8 Supercars 4 (aka TOCA Race Car Driver 3 2.0) is rumoured to star Ernie Dingo as an aging Pauline Hanson, an aging Mel Gibson as Steve Irwin,Heath Ledger as Ronald McDonald, while Dame Edna Everage and Jackie O weaving will make cameos as sexually promiscuous, lycra-clad grid girls. The film will be more than Rocky Balboa, Crocodile Dundee , Crocodile Dundee 2 and Crocodile Dundee 3 all multiplied together. See, we used a different formula.
edit Further reading
| Title | Author / publisher |
| Brock, Stock, and One Smoking Two-Barrel Carbie | Peter Brock |
| How I Had Sex With Every Woman, Apart From My Fake Wife | Peter Brock |
| No, Honestly, I'm Not Bonkers - Putting that Crystal in the Engine Really Does Make Your Car Go Faster (I Just Don't Have the $750,000 for Scientific Validation) | Peter Brock |
| We're Not Making That Stupid Peter Brock Crystal Car Anymore (1996 press release) | Holden Australia |
| How to throw everything away by going to a crap team | Craig Lowndes |
| Getting it done on your back | Brad Jones |
| I Should Have Stuck to Motorbikes | Wayne Gardner |
| Cenovis Vitamins Pty Ltd Annual Report 1996 | Alan Moffat |
| Have you, have you, have you, have you driven a Ford... lately? | Dick Johnson |
| How to piss off your brother, teammate and your rival by being an arrogent prick and crashing into them | Rick Kelly |
| Meat Pies, Kangaroos and VB Commodores | Mark Skaife |
| Getting dirty on the racetrack | Dirty Dangerous Dude |
| How to annoy lots of people | Godzilla |
