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I reply on the UnNews talk page that you are doing fine with this but there are grammar errors. I already have an UnNews in about the Ikea meatball news, but your take is a little different, so that's okay. I took the period off the headline, so you can find the UnNews at the above title. Spıke¬ 18:55 8-Mar-13
Nope; upon closer review--the line about Korea, the line about horse DNA among Ikea staff--I believe you didn't just work from the same real-world news story, you took my UnNews and changed a few things. That isn't right, and I have put the story in your userspace, as shown above, where you can work on it. If I am mistaken, please explain and I will put it back. Spıke¬ 22:02 8-Mar-13
Apologies if it seemed I'd taken ideas out of your own spin on the story; I gained inspiration from the real live story, and launched straight into the article without seeing what angles other people had taken. My intention was to stay in the absurd as much as possible, but I kinda failed at that. It seems we have similar trains of thought. I'm happy for my article to be taken down. Practise makes perfect :D TheDarthMoogle (talk) 09:11, March 9, 2013 (UTC)
If you are really telling me you stumbled on both these angles rather than taking them from my UnNews, I'll put it back. Spıke¬ 09:19 9-Mar-13
Now, the next thing you're going to tell me is that you just got the notion to create this article and are not re-creating the article that received a maintenance tag, the author abandoned, and Mordillo deleted? That would be a major misstep. Spıke¬ 18:51 18-Mar-13
You sent me some words, but I have absolutely no idea what they mean...It was a requested article... so I made it? Is that a crime, or I am I not worthy of making those kinds of articles?
If the article sucks, then please tell me; I don't get nearly enough criticism in my life, but otherwise I feel kinda hurt that whatever you sent was so aggressive... --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 18:55, March 18, 2013 (UTC)
I didn't read through the article. All I know is that, again, it had been created before, abandoned and deleted by an Admin, and you just re-created it. If this is your first time working on it, then what I said doesn't apply. Good luck with the Requested Articles. (PS--Discuss what you are going to do on your talk page; use Talk:The Game to discuss the article.) Cheers. Spıke¬ 19:00 18-Mar-13
So, it's got a shed load of redirects. Now to actually come up with a decent article to follow suit. This looks like a tough cookie, and it's tempting just to revise what got deleted; looks like a good angle, but was kinda crude. Here we go... --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 19:04, March 18, 2013 (UTC)
Occupy St. Peters
Thanks for your kind words on the talk page, it's nice to get compliments on pages every once in awhile. You've made my day (at least until I eat some rice and lentils, and then that will make my day, at least until...). I thought of the concept and wrote some of it before actually googling it and there are people with websites about occupying St. Peter's Square, but mostly to complain about paedo priests and the usual. Yet with this new Pope the possibility is there that some may try it. The last picture, of that massive statue, is the real room where popes meet the public and make announcements, and I'd never seen it before two days ago! Its been there for 34 years! Have you seen it before? I look forward to seeing your work, but since this post gets long, thanks again, and good to meet you. Aleister 11:52 19-3-'13
As you note on this article's talk page, you got to this point and then could not figure out where you are going with it. What we have now is basically not an article but an outline of an article. When something is this incomplete, the best way is in your userspace, such as User:TheDarthMoogle/articlename. If it were in your personal namespace, it would not have bothered me that you added an Oscar Wilde quote that has nothing to do with Oscar Wilde. The reason it bothers me (and two other senior editors) in mainspace is written up at Uncyclopedia:Templates/In-universe/Quotes. Yes, we will find a better name for that essay.
The article cannot survive as-is in mainspace, as it is nothing but lists. As always, the problem with lists is that they encourage bad overnight editors to come along and add just one thing. Fundamentally, this article needs a better theme than to simply flog the stereotypes about Americans with which we are all familiar. I think stuff like this has already been done but can't give you a citation.
I did not like the way this article began. The structure of the first sentence is: "X is bad, but X is awful." Never use the first person ("I") when writing in an encyclopedia, and try just to say what you are going to say rather than explaining your intentions beforehand. For gassy phrases such as "It is recommended that," please see User:SPIKE/Cliches-1. Good luck! Spıke¬ 12:09 20-Mar-13
This is a good start and an improvement. But it reads as heavy with your own disdainful personal opinion, and still too light on the humor. Your opinion is welcome and it gives the article a theme, but keep working to weave lighter humor into the article, such as with analogies and artful phrasing. (Perhaps more artful than your frequent recourse to "bullshit," which likewise suggests you are too interested in expressing disdain to make the reader laugh.) Also, there are either too many subsections or too little material; the result looks listy, and as always, the problem with lists is that a lot of bad overnight visitors will try to add just one more thing. Hope this helps! Spıke¬ 12:22 23-Apr-13
[Cheers for the advice.] Yeah, I'll keep working on it through the course of the day. It was more an off the cuff thing as my brain nearly jumped out the window from reading the original article. I get your concern about lists. My head works that way, and I need to tell it to stop doing that. As for the humour, I was taking a more rational, than disdainful approach, but yes. I could be a lot more subtle, but I'm wary of just ending up waffling. TheDarthMoogle (talk) 12:59, April 23, 2013 (UTC)
Rational is okay; just make it funnier, and there is no rush. "Waffling" is always a risk, but mostly when the Anons arrive and we get Theory, then Alternate Theory, then Other Alternate Theory, and the results look very unencyclopedic. Happy editing! Spıke¬ 13:10 23-Apr-13
From the Sandbox
Your conversation with Simsie at Uncyclopedia:Sandbox was good conversation and good editor's advice; I've taken the liberty of moving it here, as the Sandbox can be erased by anyone at any time.
What am I doing with my life?
No, I'm serious. I just don't get anything, it's like I've injected fiberglass into my brain, and drank three consecutive slushies. My desperate attempts to be funny are met with unanimous agreement that I'm grindingly mediocre. *Sigh* I guess I'll go make that HowTo on masturbating furiously with knives. TheDarthMoogle (talk) 07:45, April 24, 2013 (UTC)
Your request for a Pee Review has not yet been engaged, but Admin Mhaille has seen fit to do some tidying up, as you have seen. By the way, there was a notorious prosecution in Massachusetts of operators of a day-care center, accused of masturbating furiously with knives on some of its customers; one operator is still in jail despite the total absence of knife-wounds or any physical evidence (only young testimony coached by social workers). This might fit in somehow. Spıke¬ 10:43 24-Apr-13
What am I doing up this late at night?
Actually, what am I doing up this time of morning? I shouldn't be wide awake, but I am. Never try too hard to be funny, it just forces the joke, and the reader can sense your desperation. Let the creativity flow, then edit what happens later. Use an outline as a framework. If you can come up with a good idea and a good outline, then all you need are some funny details. This message is a recording and will self destruct in 10..9..8...7....6...5...4...3...2...1...-- Simsilikesims(♀UN)Talk here. 08:24, April 24, 2013 (UTC)
Yeah (regarding being funny, not regarding what Simsie is doing awake so late). I usually am driving around and see something that must be misinterpreted and typed into Uncyclopedia, versus staring at a screen and having the right phrase come to me. Spıke¬ 10:43 24-Apr-13
Beating a stick with a dead horse
I dunno how to flesh out my articles. I look at it in the edit view thinking "yes, this is clearly a substantial work". The whole thing ends up three times shorter than I thought it was. What I write is hilariously lacking in jokes to begin with, so I've not yet learnt to pad out what I'm writing, to make up for the inadequate length. Curse my brain. --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 14:02, May 2, 2013 (UTC)
Do you think anyone reads the Sandbox? (I do because I have to look at Special:RecentChanges to see everything happening on the wiki.) You could create a Forum, but I'm not sure Uncyclopedians want to be broadcast to, to help you write.
Please don't "pad out" anything. We are not paid-by-page-count. If your article isn't article-length, hold it until you see ways to take the humor in entirely new directions. They always exist. Also, read more about your subject on Wikipedia and think how it would come out if someone misinterpreted what you just read. Illustrations are also good, provided you can give each one a funny caption. Spıke¬ 14:10 2-May-13
I don't expect anyone to read the Sandbox, I just like screaming into space every now and then, and you as an Admin have the right to stop me, and charge me with public indecency. --TheDarthMoogle (talk)
No chance! It is the least indecent of the many outbursts here.... Spıke¬ 14:24 2-May-13
So here's something I don't get. People remind me that satire only works 'bottom - up', as in, you can only satirise a person or an idea more prominent than yourself. Yet there are people with fame pouring out of their eyeballs that light-heartedly get away with jokes about the disabled, LGBTs or those of a coloured persuasion and make millions doing it. Is it really okay to offend everyone else on a 'socially disadvantaged' (berate me all you want) person's behalf, claiming it's purely to make everyone go "ooooh, controversial..."? --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 17:43, May 10, 2013 (UTC)
This post of yours to the Sandbox has now been replaced (as legitimately happens in the Sandbox) with links to YouTube (for which Mhaille has banned Mr. Anon). But let me give you the following personal opinions:
Uncyclopedia welcomes ridicule of anyone or anything, from a lower or higher social stratum. You can gay-bash and you can Romney-bash, but it must be done cleverly, and it ought to make it clear that humor rather than ruination is the goal.
I don't agree that many people think satire is only valid applied to higher classes than your own.
Comparing a man who wants to pretend he is a woman, with a person born without legs, is a formula for reaching wrong or at least random conclusions. As for "coloured" people, they are not to blame for their skin color; they are partly complicit if they think it requires a separate culture, and totally to blame for their resulting attitude if they buy "white racism" as an explanation of anything. I hear a lot of racism out here; none of it is a serious statement that brown skin is unattractive; and nearly all of it is a reaction to separatism and special legal rights. Spıke¬ 15:10 13-May-13
Hello. I am ScottPat and I am more noobish than you but I just wanted to say (because didn't realise you were an active user and I've looked at your forum edits today) that on the topic of Uncyclopedia being a ghost town: I don't think it is at all. There are many friendly users and enough active users to give variety however I do agree that most of the active users don't particularly enjoy pee reviewing. Nice to meet you and if you want any help, want to collaborate on an article, want to set up a group on Uncyclopedia, want to subscribe to UnSignpost or want to read some of my articles (some are on VFH (one just got featured on main page) or pee review) then just visit my user page and talk page. I am on here practically everyday. Thanks. Sir ScottPatUnSCUNVFH and Bar (talk) 12:24 10, July 2014
Interesting. I shall make a note of everything you said in my little box. --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 14:47, May 4, 2013 (UTC)
Once again it is that time of year when we must take a day off to remember those who fought for the Rebels against the evil empire. As you know Uncyclopedia has a large Jedi community and to reach out to all our religious groups no matter how liberal they are we muast help them with their festivals.
What will you do on International Star Wars day? Perhaps you shall visit the temple and pray for the dead of Hoth? Perhaps you will use the force for good and strangle some politicians? Whatever it is that you want to do Uncyclopedia is there to support you.
One user who will remain nameless, is going to attempt to raise money for charity by speaking in Jedi for the whole day. The money he collects will go to Unsignpost the homeless hitch-hikers who are struggling to find somewhere to settle down after their home planet of Alderon was destroyed.
Nobody has been handing out welcome messages to people recently signed with different admins names and nobody was concered by the huge discussion on a forum about it. Nobody would like to apolagise for this because to be quite frank Nobody did it. Many admins were getting quite frustrated that Nobody had done it as they had wanted to do the welcome messages instead.
It was later discovered by Spike that it wasn't Nobody (Nobody disagrees) that had done it (excuse my grammar) but that it was an automated Wikia message. This has caused some members of our community to vent even more frustration with Wikia however this newspaper would like to point out that Wikia has done a lot to benefit us and Nobody agrees that the welcome message (and content warning) has been very useful.
The fact that the message has now been stopped is thanks to the admins sorting the problem out with Wikia so on this note Nobody would like to thank the admins for their help in running this site.
Also Nobody cares about UnSignpost and Nobody is moved that there are a lack of articles submitted to UnSignpost to be featured in the newspaper. UnSignpost would therefore like to remind you that it is vital to support your community newspaper as it supports the community.
Rumour has it that the co-editor of UnSignpost (Dannyboy) was recently banned from Uncyclopedia and is barely surviving in the miserable world of reality. He is currently traumatised and struggling to eat. He has had to cope with extreme poverty for many days.
UnSignpost has launched an appeal to help him in this time of sadness and depression: just a donation of £2 a month could help to restore Dannyboy to a fit and active state so that he is ready to continue Uncyclopeding again.
Please, please donate and don't let Dannyboy waste away, forgotten and unwanted.
"I thought I'd seen the worste [than this and I had.]"
"I didn't realise that people still read this [but then I realised how good it was]."
Biopic of the Month
Unfortunately due to lack of UnSignpost support there is no biopic for this week. Please send a biopic of yourself or someone you hate to our press room and it may feature in our next UnSignpost edition.
A full week has passed since our last edition and the news is piling up, notably the story for which we'd "clear Page One" if we ever had more than one page: This week was just like last week. The only exeption being that more evidence has led certain users to believe that Uncyclopedia is being controlled by a higher power. The evidence is listed here:
Firstly, Uncyclopedia's only "openly" Welsh editor has left the site in protest over the obvious racism against her race (are the Welsh a race?) or language, on the part of either us, Britain, or Wikia. Overlooked is the fact that the member is female, a class we proudly discriminate in favor of. Consequently, both Admin Simsilikesims and recently un-permabanned Zana Dark have complained at how the celibate masses at Uncyclopedia are wiping their mouths when either walks by. A higher power has intervened and has tried to assuage the fallen-away member by decreeing that all Uncyclopedia articles must now be written in Welsh (and users must install the Unicode "ancient rune" font page) but to no avail.
Also, Funnybony, after 8 Uncyclopedia writing prizes, 44.5 entries in the Hall of Shame (our eighth most prolific ever), and 546 articles, just keeps getting nominated on VFH. We are studying how it is possible that he can't ever write an article that isn't featured. Maybe the votes have been rigged, maybe some users are being brainwashed or perhaps it's just that Funnybony has a lot of sockpuppets.
Warning: This article may be inappropriate for some viewers
Aleister kicked off with bringing the topic into a conversation with SPIKE on a completely unrelated forum, SPIKE immediatly reacted by calling off play and deciding to move to another pitch as this one was too wet and reminded Aleister that this strategy had been used twice before to no avail.
Undetered Aleister replied by claiming that the first change worked but the second change reverted the content warning to the original and this time we'd get it right. Aleister then preceded to run up the pitch dribbling the ball through the midfielders. ScottPat ran down the wing screaming at Aleister to go for the goal now. Aleister who was about to storm off the pitch thanked ScottPat and continued.
Shabidoo then charged down the other wing hurling attacks at the original content warning defenders who seemed to be non-existant before swearing so much he collapsed into a ball. Startled ScottPat replied that he didn't want top have anything to do with anti-Wikia extremism and Aleister lined up the ball for the shot into goal.
Aleister placed the ball into the back of the net with a vote for the new content warning. ScottPat ran up to him patting him on the back and giving him a "for" followed by Simsie and Puppy. SPIKE then struck back attempting to shoot the ball into the back of the new content warning supporters' net with the opinion that readers don't care about the content warning although he saw that the other team were fierce and wrote to Wikia asking the content warning to be removed as it was no longer needed.
Aleister, Puppy and ScottPat defended against him with three replies while Mhaille ran up the pitch and saw a goal scoring oppurtunity with another content warning proposal however Scottpat was unsure that that oppurtunity would get them the goal that the team were aiming for. Puppy stood with the ball wandering whether to pass it to Mhaille afterall but remained indecisive.
That was a report of the game so far, more to come next week.
ScottPat is an overly zealous and patriotic nutter. He is of the male sex and he is half English, half Scottish and half Manx (person from the Isle of Man). ScottPat resides in Britain and doesn't want to live anywhere else as he prefers the rain and the pessimism.
Things that annoy ScottPat are swearing, foreigners who think Britain is rubbish, republicans (not the American party, the people who don't want a Queen), British people who don't like their own country, Capitalism, Communism and religion. However ScottPat does like Monarchism, patriotism, science, history, politics, English and comedy.
ScottPat's favourite quote is: "Who are you Mr. President?" although he is not a UKIP supporter (he votes Monster Raving Loony every time) and quite likes the EU, it's just that a Brit pissing off a European who thinks he has more authority than the Brit does is funny. ScottPat finds a lot of his comedy in how Britain still thinks that it is the ultimate superpower in the World but no one else does and also in historical European disputes.
Thanks for your wonderful pee review. I always appreciate it when someone pees about. I agree that the article wasn't one of my best but I'm happy with the article and the score so thanks for your time. (As for ostensibly British humour that just about sums up every article I write on here!) SirScottPat (talk) VFHUnSNotMWotMWotY 06:29, May 18, 2013 (UTC)
The UnSignpost has arrived...Quick hide!
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost
The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By ME, I Swear!
May, 18th 2013 • Issue 184 • Vandalpedia strikes back! Luckily the Jedi will return.
A recent forum on village dump has brought the thought of having an article competition to the Uncyclopedian user masses. "Competitions would increase productivity of articles," claimed the forum writer ScottPat when interviewed by himself. Recent studies done by wikia authorities confirm this.
The idea would be to have a panel of experienced judges (probably admins) who could judge the articles submitted by users. By having three judges there would be less opinionation. The articles can then be given scores out of 50 just like on pee review with some comments. The overall winner could be given a template and so could the winner of each individual category. Categories could be based on: humour, content, parody humour, satire, images and so on.
If you would like to support this and want to have a competition then please do get in touch by voicing your opinions on the forum. This will surely help to make Uncyclopedia better and will be fun for everyone.
Summer holidays are coming and users seem to become more active. This shows that we are gradually recovering from the recent uneconomic downturn.
For example an unknown IP vandal who seemed to be sleeping for the whole year and whose only contributions were to add several quotes here and there, is fully awake now. During the last two days (to be more accurate: nights) he was trying to realize a very carefully planned attack. He has added several quotes to at least 20 pages on Uncyclopedia. His goal was to... Well, no one knows what his goal was because it has not been achieved and Uncyclopedia has neither lost its high morality, nor encountered a major crisis. To be honest, everything that the vandal did in an hour (probably), has been undone in ... several minutes. Those who saved Uncyclopedia from external enemies and whom we can thank are: Simsilikesims (as always), Spike, ScottPat, Frosty, Llwy-ar-lawr and...ahem... me.
Llwy-ar-lawr has returned in order to continue arguing explain us her point of view on virtual discrimination of the national minorities (probably some Americans, Russians, etc.).
Also a recent poll has shown that 99% of our users are inactive. This probably means they are hibernating. Recently User:Zim ulator has woken up and User:Orian57 appeared briefly. Zim ulator seems to be here to stay so on behalf of the community of Uncyclopedia we welcome him back.
Mhaille's real name (as is 42% percent of the British male population) is Niles, though this is actually pronounced "MAHL-ee." Niles is one of the few notable British Uncyclopedians. He's married to popular Eskimo singer Björk, and collects used batteries. Mhaille is the admin to talk to if you're a n00b, because he doesn't hate you outright... yet. Mhaille has helped Gollum's recording career by buying all his albums, watches Euthenasia politics on BBC4, is a history buff that loves old British Army entertainment reels, and is a self-declared "warrior-poet," whatever that means.
Clearly someone has a major gripe with this place. And a rather silly amount of free time to be able to catch a plane halfway round the world every few hours to post rude quotes concerning anyone and everyone on as many pages as is feasible on as many different computers as possible. I even found one to do with ME O______o
But I'm guessing you can't just ban the Internet. Who has this site really pissed off? --TheDarthMoogle (talk) 08:07, May 20, 2013 (UTC)
What is clear to me is that someone wants the maximum possible attention. To deny him what he wants, I've moved the discussion here, as I deleted a Forum that ScottPat opened to ask for help repelling the attack. The vandal was attacking every day until we got Wikia to change the rules and limit the number of Anon edits per minute. Just as al-Qaeda targets Times Square or the Twin Towers or the Boston Marathon rather than an undefended grain elevator in Iowa, this vandal wants to do something that is newsworthy. The new limits might deny him that; there is nothing remarkable in the least about vandalizing ten pages before you are banned.
The content of the vandalism, and the fact that even you were mentioned, should prove there is no personal vendetta here. He was casting a wide net for targets of hurtful remarks. He has beset us since before I joined.
Also, the attack did not involve commercial aviation but the use of "proxies," web services that will forward a person's request from a random, and frequently changing, Internet address.
Our openness to anonymous editing is both a huge liability and a key method by which we recruit new Uncyclopedians, such as me; in 2009, I wanted to write a funny article but wasn't yet comfortable "signing up." Spıke¬ 17:03 20-May-13
Thanks for the VFH vote for Emu War. Much appreciated. By the way the discussion you had with Puppy and Spike above has taken a rather different turn between Puppy, Mhaille and I on the forum it was originally on. Check it out. SirScottPat (talk) VFHUnSNotMWotMWotY 16:29, May 21, 2013 (UTC)
I have nominated you for noob of the month as you have written very funny articles (I love Express kidnapping even though it isn't quite finished) and have been a great member of the site. I have also nominated Anton as I couldn't decide between you two so the decision will have to be made by other voters. Thanks. SirScottPat (talk) VFHUnSNotMWotMWotY 06:57, May 22, 2013 (UTC)
An agreement between a large part of the Uncyclopedian Community has come about that we are to hold a Poo-Lit Surprise contest at the end of June. The competition will be run by Romartus and the judges are yet to be chosen. Any queries about this competition can be asked here and one of the users involved shall get round to answering it.
The winner of the competition will receive a template and the usual crown of thorns and everyone will feel bitter about him for the rest of his time at Uncyclopedia. But in true cavalier spirit, it is not the winning that counts but the taking part. However if you are a roundhead you'd have planned your cheat strategy from the start and are probably very likely to win it.
HowTo:Care for Uncyclopedia so that it doesn't end up as degraded as Encyclopedia Dramatica.
A lot of things on Uncyclopedia are not what their title suggests (and sometimes exactly the opposite). For example, if a user understands the name of the Pee Review page literally, he will probably be deceived. Although we actually do deal with your waste but only with the virtual one.
In addition to this, few people do dirty work nowadays and that is why everything you leave may not be sent back to you. 8 articles need to be reviewed. Here is the link.
Therefore Uncyclopedia is changing. The Village Dump is actually becoming such. A lot of topics are not even worth discussing and even if they are, they can easily be moved to someone's talk page.
A lot of Uncyclopedians want to laugh on every page possible and now they find it hard on our Forum. That is why they are protesting against boring and not useful issues such as Creative Commons or Content Warning. But those users (although very active) have refused to answer our reporters' questions because of their shyness. This is why this conclusion maybe different from theirs.
Also our friend The Reverend is spreading his spiritual wisdom around Uncyclopedia in the form of proofreading so that he may enlighten us all and show us how to write properly.
"We have two lives, - said Confucius, - and the second one starts when we realise that we only have one."
So if you are actually present here (which means that Uncyclopedia is your life (virtual one)), we can politely ask you to help us. Especially with some problems you may find boring. After this your second life might begin.
Simsilikesims is the remaining active female admin on Uncyclopedia. She is, of course, an avid fan of all things related to the Sims: She owns all expansion packs of The Sims, The Sims 2, The Sims 3, and The Sims Medieval. She also plays the Sims Social on Facebook, and is sad that game is ending in June. She also likes Tycoon games, and hidden object games, but hasn't played them recently. Her music tastes range from 80's music to New Age, and will listen to almost anything except rap and country. As to favorite TV shows, she watches what everybody else is watching, unless she is alone, in which case, she watches news and doctor shows, with a little Wheel of Fortune, Dancing With the Stars, or The Voice on the side. She works as a tax preparer, a job that some would find dull, but she finds it a way to meet new and interesting people while making money. Some of her past jobs include call center work, data entry, internet shopping, and proofreading.
You state in the Forum you opened (regarding being pestered by members of the Fork): "I guess that's as good an argument as any. You may close this and bin it if you wish." It is tempting to close it (that is, write-protect it against non-Admins), as I expect it would attract trolling. "Binning it" would be censoring the transcript, which we avoid. Instead, I'll give it back to you, at User:TheDarthMoogle/What did you do to hurt these people?. Spıke¬ 13:15 5-Jun-13
I missed your forum, but would like to answer your question. We did a lot! Did you hear about the time we ripped out Socky's fingernails (we took turns, and I got the "one for the thumb" screamer!). And then there was that time we decided to set MattSnow's shoes on fire, and watched him as he stomped around looking for snow to put them out in and we had shoveled all the snow!!! I could go on and on. Thanks for stirring up the memories of these glorious escapades. Aleister 13:52 5-6-'13
Summer's here! And so is the post
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
June, 14th 2013 • Issue 186 • This newspaper may not be able to tell you who Denza but then it can't tell you much anyway!
A certain user is scooping the competition by revealing here that a heretofore unknown group of users has been accumulating subversive UnDocuments containing UnToons, fresh off the Strip Generator. It is rumored that as many as 7 or 16 separate comics, with characters seen here before, are in this file.
Once a certain sum of comic strips are accumulated, this gruntled group intends to release some sort of public statement, proposing the reinsertion of UnToons into UnNews front page.
There is very little information on these people, other than they make some of us nervous.
Another rumor is that this group is looking for submissions of cartoons, to be brought to the attention of a certain Reverend Zim, who has been abducted and forced to work with the group. There may be something posted at the Village Dump, where sympathetic users may make contact. Until then, folks can contact Zim at his talk page.
HowTo:Care for Uncyclopedia so that it doesn't end up as degraded as Encyclopedia Dramatica.
All the formerly missing admins suddenly begun returning one by one and different Uncyclopedians have lately admired the resurrection of our Justice (literally).
And, although, the VFH page is becoming shorter and shorter to the great joy of our rivals (do we even have any?), the list of the Pee review requests has almost hit our record and a group of unvestigators have discovered that an average admin is now a way more active than all the normal users, there are still some good news (if you don't consider the very first one to be such).
For example, after a long period of Darkness several VFH entries have received more than 10 votes against.
The PLS competition is well under way now thanks to Romartus' hard work. Many users have been brought together for this competition with many old users appearing again either to judge or submit an article.
UnSignpost encourages everyone to join in the PLS to make this our best competition ever.
The Importance of Being Denza
So you want to find out the answer to the ultimate question, who the hell is Denza? Well first you gotta ask yourself:
One with the Ancients, Romartus saw his brother at the Pompeii exhibition at the British Museum last week.' So that's what happened to the bugger...frozen in time'. He knows his historical stuff and can be quite a bore in that department if you stand long enough and listen to him. Has been here since 2008 when he wrote his first article Julian the Apostate - and hasn't looked back - or forward - since. Says he is British and likes to write on various subjects. Only became an admin when promised Nicole Scherzinger's undivided attention. She hasn't returned his calls since.
As not many articles have been nominated and featured recently, we are here to tell you that the Votes For Highlight system will be changed. From now on, in order to increase quantity (as we already have enough quality), the nominator will be allowed to vote for his article as many times as he wants. To make life even simpler and to have a lot more featured articles, the goal will be only 2 votes per article. In addition to this, votes against will be counted as votes for. Next, as it takes some time to create something of good quality, featured articles with a construction tag will be allowed. Finally, if you do not have any inspiration and force to create anything, you can nominate articles from a page which has a lot of them. The QVFD is very good for this purpose.
This reform has not been applied yet as it is still being tested. If a user disagrees with it, he can vote against it here and his vote will be accepted. This vote is made, as described above. If anyone votes against the changes, this will be counted as a "for".
Uncyclopedians were elated at the sudden return of the Chief Justice. Surely, two months ago the Marriage Counselor must have told the Chief to give up Uncyclopedia as his spouse agreed to give up cocaine and smash-and-grab robberies, but happily, both now seem to have agreed that neither partner was worth the sacrifice. And he is not just administering but writing, most notably American Football. Further proving that things are back to normal, VFH voted the article onto the main page during virtually the only month of the year when no one anywhere is thinking about American Football.
This led to talk that perhaps our main page should feature articles (or re-feature them) at such times as some readers might be thinking of the topic: Shouldn't American Football run again during the opening weekend of American Football? Your correspondent added that, by the next time someone uses a pressure-cooker filled with firecrackers to blow limbs off sports spectators, our readers should be trained to rush to Uncyclopedia to read a Feature Article on Pressure cooker.
This subversive notion, if carried to extremes, might result in the featuring of UnNews articles while the news is still news, as articles could move to the main page without the usual six-week wait for VFH voters to deliberate. Unfortunately, there is no Forum in which to complain.
All the PLS entries are now locked and are being judged with a certain probability. The results (if there are any) will be uncovered on the 4th of July and all of the UnSignpost journalists will definitely be present on the Final Ceremony. Yesterday one of the judges was questioned by the most talented of our reporters. His exact answer to one of our question about the future winners was: "Hmmm... Well... It actually is so, if you get what I mean. Yes, what I was saying was... Well, you know this perfectly well, why are you asking me?". But, even though his speech was very circumlocutory, we have discovered what the truth is and the public will soon get more information about this. What we can tell you right now is that Mr Brown can be congratulated beforehand, as he has written the Best Illustrated Article.
...If it is not here already. Our Newspaper Chief is gone... For two weeks... From UnSignpost.
However, if all the subscribers or the majority of them still receive the new edition this week, then you have another evidence that our Perfect System does not need a Chief Editor to write and deliver news. But, after taking your time to admire all the qualities of Uncyclopedia, we would still suggest to leave a message for the Editors here, just to make sure because everything has an end. All the messages will be accepted but not all of them might be used. Any messages containing less than one line, will be united with any others. This will forcible give an unexpected[ly good] result.
The Right Rev. Dr. P. Pennyfeather has had a long and varied career, including a stint at Wales' leading public school, being a small English village's third most popular clergyman, and the oh-so-popular spell in prison everyone seems to have these days. Recently, he has decided to take things easy, as he really is getting on, and has taken up a part-time job as a pseudonym for a sixth-former in that most illustrious of counties: Derbyshire. His new employer seems rather agreeable really, and no, saying so wasn't a part of the contract. Really. He's not that bad. Anyway, the pay cheques are good, so what does the odd beating and occasional long stretches without daylight matter? When on Uncyclopedia, he doesn't really write that much. Of course, if he did write something it would be an instant feature, but such petty writing is beneath him. Instead, he reads, amends and criticises others' work. He currently runs the Proofreading service.
The entries for the prestigious 2013 Poo Lit Surprise Awards (PLS) have required an extra order of candles and writing paper for the judges this year. Entries from Uncyclopedia's veteran contributor Modusoperandi, Shabidoo (the dancing banana of 2010), the repentant Sinner George and the avian Flyingbird were up against this year's crop of promising arrivals. Anton199 from Russia with the love of Uncyclopedia, the self-proclaimer ScottPat, and the ordained proofreader the Reverend P. Pennyfeather. Anton was so eager to take part that he also qualified in the Noob category, where his opponent for an award is the gender-neutral Uncycloperson. Two awards can already be sent out, as ScottPat and Anton199 will have to find room on their shelves for the Best Rewrite and Best Collaboration awards. Though they had no competition, they are winners all the way. Your awards will be delivered by chauffeur on the day the other winners are announced.
All this preamble, therefore, is a warning that the judges - Romartus (from 'some way south of London Bridge') and PuppyOnTheRadio - have yet to declare the winners. In the interests of transparency, the decisions will be announced this weekend (6th-7th July) and will explain how they chose the winners. All will be transparent, above-board, and above-lodging, as the hoped-for bribes did not materialise this year - perhaps a first for Poo Lit. So look out for the results, and for those who have made their holiday plans - well, cancel them!
Our last UnSignpost announced that the Chief Justice graced us with what one wag called "an hysteric return" (though writing about something else entirely), as well as, from our best reading of the "mainstream" press, suddenly being given full charge of the country of Egypt in place of the Muslim Brotherhood (pictured).
If that were not a tall enough order, the Chief has announced a big British clean-up, an effort not only to expand articles beyond the theme that every British town is full of chavs, drunks, and foreigners with turbans, but to propose a regional forest fire of bad articles that will run circles around the sluggish Votes for Deletion process. Unfortunately, the only ones not already in the know were, by virtue of living in Russia or the States, inherently unqualified to assist.
Among Uncyclopedians who actually know something about Britain, Magicrainbowunicorn is resting on his/her/its laurels with Reading, England, the last such article that we slapped on the main page, whereas Dorisdoom had been making progress with Leicester until suddenly discovering she was not alone on the wiki, which spelled Doris's, er, doom. However, as most such swan songs are not sung so as not to be heard, we can hope that both budding new Uncyclopedians will some day see beyond the chance well-intentioned revert and take their places among the greats.
But a more prolific editor has stepped up to the Chief's call. This user, whose various user names all have something to do with killing Britons until we permaban them, had the hilarious concept that all our articles on the United Kingdom be replaced by a single manifesto on how Brits are Satanic progeny, while at the same time being spawned, and also totally gay. Not only is a comedy theme that would span an entire department of Uncyclopedia the most ambitious initiative since Oscar Wilde, this user's single-mindedness and total predictability have prompted innovations in the field of Abuse Filters to ban him without annoying a human being. And, in much less time than it takes him to figure out what portion of his manifesto we are pattern-matching, we can change it.
Our previous little helper has not been stopped but has seen the reward for his efforts eliminated by something that Wikia daintily refers to as "throttling," which is the tidiest euphemism for targeted, total ruin ever devised outside the U.S.Federal Reserve.
This week, to be more exact - today, one user created a lot of problems and headache with a new project. Instead of using the reform suggested in the previous UnSignpost, this user thought that, in order to increase the quantity of good quality articles on VFH, we could possibly transport good featured articles from one Uncyclopedia to another (and back). The project is described and discussed at the "All the uncycs" forum and is about to begin working (or dying). The discussion was so vivid that a peacekeeper had to be called in order to calm everyone down. However, the creator of the forum went even further, created another forum at the fork and almost got banned (the forum there is called "Here, there and everywhere"). Several users have responded and this was the first recorded time in the history of auncyclopedia when anyone tried to break the Berlin Wall in public (unsuccessfully).
Those who are interested in what is happening, can contact the creator on his talk page for details or visit the forum about it. By the way, the project is called "Here, there and everywhere" and, although exactly the same projects but in smaller scales have been held before, its creator pretends that he was the first one to have such an idea.
Although his username is Anton199, everyone (and the user himself) prefers to simply call him "Anton". Nobody knows why he chose such a username, but rumors say that the orginal one got cloned in his early childhood and other 198 Antons surf everywhere else on the Interent, while Anton spends his time on the wiki projects. He is a registered user on Uncyclopedia, the fork, Absurdopedia (the Russian uncyclopedia) and ... Wikipedia, although he has a different username there. But his virtual home is here.
In addition to that, Anton is the person you would most likely contact if you have any questions about Russia (some unknown country next to Ukraine) which he pretends to know well or The Beatles.
Well it has been a great year for PLS in some ways. 8 users contributed to the competition for best article and all articles were of "feature quality" thus making a tough task for Romartus and providing an explanation for the late arrival of the results. The categories of best re-write and best collaboration were very disappointing with only one article contributed for each. Some have speculated that next time PLS is run those categories will be removed.
In the competition for best article, all articles were feature worthy and so it was a choice of which was the best article of the best. In last place was The Ghost Writer (film) by Anton199 on a ghost in a film. It was just beaten by the wonderful Heinz Guderian article from Sinner George about a famous Nazi, which despite being placed highly by Romartus was second to last. Spider Solitaire came next by Simsilikesims who wrote about a very annoying computer game. Placed fifth was Free hugs written by Shabidoo on people trying to give out free hugs. In fourth place was a wonderful article from one of our not so regular users, Flyingbird called PRISM, about the US internet security project.
In the Noob article category there were two contestants. Runner-up was Moondog by Uncycloperson, one of our very new members, who wrote about a Viking hobo's life and in first place was Jane Marple and posted to us from the KGB with kind regards from Putin, written by Anton199, about an old woman who is a ninja in disguise. Congratulations to both.
Best re-write was won by ScottPat who wrote Checkpoint Charlie and faced a real Cold War with no opponent to stand against him. Best collaboration was Cossacks jointly written by Anton199 and ScottPat. Yet again no opposition faced them but then "you have to be in it to win it!" so congratulations to them both.
All-in-all the competition was summed up in Puppy's own words: "People shouldn't write so goodly - it makes it harder for us judges to judge them. Any delays in completing judgmentalisation are the fault of all entrants. And Modus is a smelly poo poo head."
The PLS is done and our Votes For Highlight page has already three more entries in one day with 22 entries and 9 different nominators all in all. The topics of articles vary and the person who will go there in order to vote, will certainly find a theme that he is interested in. There are, for instance three HowTos, two UnScripts, two UnNews and one UnBook. Three other articles talk about something beginning with the letter "A" (and one even has three capital As at the same time) and knowing that one of the best-known Uncyclopedia articles is "AAAAAAAA", these ones will certainly be featured...one day. With the rich choice of themes, such as military (Italian Tanks), military history (Uncyclopedian), famous military leaders (The Last King of Scotland) and military countries (Ukraine), there is even one essay about the qualities and defects of a 20th century vacuum-cleaner (Henry).
The situation is still not very stable and, although Cap'n Crunch is currently more popular than the Atheist Alliance of America, everything can change in a minute if there are enough voters. And looking only at the VFH scores, it becomes obvious that there are more people who want to know about the best way of taming six-legged lame men, than there are those, who are willing to walk on Saturn and (even less) wanting to acquire car insurance). Does this mean that the emigration of Earthlings to Saturn is not very significant and the amount of car crushes is being reduced? It is up to you whether to go to the VFH page and figure it out or to keep on reading this issue of UnSignpost which might not be as informative.
Another point to be brought up is the question of VFP. Is this still running? People contribute to it although an image hasn't been featured in ages. UnSignpost wishes that everyone addresses the situation and helps keep this part of our site running to commend our wonderful artists.
Uncyclopedia offends Gandhi
If the British Empire didn't offend Gandhi enough then Uncyclopedia have gone a step further. Aditseth03 expressed outrage at the Gandhi article as it offended his beloved hero: "I AM A INDIAN AND MAHATMA GANDHI [MOHANDAS KARAMCHAND GANDHI] MANY ABUSIVE WORDS ARE BEEN USED FOR HIM AND HE IS LIKE A GOD FOR INDIANS SORRY BUT REMOVE IT." Unfortunately our good Indian friend has not read the rules of Uncyclopedia and perhaps does not realise that this website only offends for comedy purpose. If the article is offensive and not funny then some action must be taken. Perhaps a call to arms is needed to proofread the article to check that it is humorous and not just randomnly offensive.
I am sorry but the new format of the UnSignpost makes the content box and the edit buttons of the talk page disappear. Therefore, I am removing it for a while and will bring it back when these issues are fixed. But you can still read this issue at UnSignpost/20130810. Thank you for your patience! Anton(talk) Uncyclopedia United 12:00, August 13, 2013 (UTC)