User talk:SysRq

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Status: Offline; IRC?: No; Currently: Going to Ft. Worth tomorrow, er, in the morning.
Responding: No; Last updated: 06:46, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Please, no more headers just titled "IC". I've got like five of them right now and it's very confusing.

[edit] RAPE!

I RAPED SOMEONE! OMG! OMG! YOU GOT RAPED LOLZ! -RA HB 05:04, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Dang, missed an opportunity again. I'd rather rape someone than do the washing up that's looming in the kitchen... -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk)

Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 08:08, 19 Apr

hey, could anybody archive my talk page for me? Cuz, you know, Im leaving for a couple of months, finals at college and shit and I want a talk page for stuff that-- uh, what am trying to explain? Hey luvvy, just archive it, then RAEP it, for all I care. Cheese rs Mahm00shA 09:09, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

You lazy bastard... It only takes a couple of minutes... -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk)

Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 09:19, 19 Apr

I am on my mobile phone browser and it is lame.. Really lame. So will you please archive it and rape it? I would certainly love being raped by Luvvy, what a pleasure! Kidding, hehe ;) Mahm00shA 09:46, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Mobile phone browsers suck. Actually, they suck bad. As in deep throat bad. I'd rather pull my 8" laptop out of my handbag and sit down in a nice, comfy wifi hotspot... *ahems* ...what will you offer me in exchange for it? -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk)

Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 12:57, 19 Apr

Aye, netbooks are where it's at. If only Apple would realize that. (Although my sources tell me we may be due for a 10" netbook Mac by Q3. Shh.) Until then, I'll be stuck with either Fedora on a netbook or a Hackintosh. Oh wait, I'm getting a MacBook Pro in June. Then never mind. Fuck netbooks. Yay MPBs. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:57, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Mine isn't a "netbook" per se. It runs Windows XP :D -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk)

Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 16:36, 19 Apr

8" laptop running XP? Still sounds like a netbook to me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:37, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

What I classify as a "netbook" is in fact a machine that runs Linux and has an 8-16GB flash drive. Mine actually has enough "oomph!" to be of use on the road. :) -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk)

Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:17, 19 Apr

yay, opera mini roxx0r!!11!!!12! Nokia r00lz! Now go archive my talk page and, as a reward, RAEP IT!! zomg1!!lolz!! F'ghthangh Cthulu Mahm00shA 16:05, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I'd be happy to...

...take a look at that thing of yours, but it'll be a while. I have *ahem* three final papers to write this week (I sort of put those off...yeah...), so between that, class, and various long-planned social/academic engagements (Bill Nye is coming to my college to talk! Fuckin' Bill Nye! The Science Guy! Ahhhh!) I won't have much time to do much of anything. When I get a good hunk of time (and if your UnBook is still up for PEE) I'll give it a look, though. Promise. —Sir Guildensternenstein 02:10, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Aye, thanks anyways buddy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:38, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I...I think it's time...

I am ready to become an undaddy. Do you think I am ready to begin helping new users? If so could you tell me how to become an adopter? ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 01:39, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

I think you're very ready to be an UnDaddy, Tags. Just find your way over to UN:AAN and add yourself to the list. Simple as that. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:47, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Oh, how painlessly simple. Why thank you soon to be grandpops. ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 23:05, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

You may want to check here once you've got a young'un of your own. I took the liberty of adding your name. —Sir SysRq (talk) 13:37, 23 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Feature-worthy?

UnNews:"Sexter" abused, possibly raped, I like it and think it is done. Orian helped out a lot. If you think so, I will go nom it (unless you'd like to) and we will all be just hunky-dory. ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:24, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

I'll just but in and say that it was good, has a good concept but it isn't feature material now. Only part that made me really laugh was the an "lol" part. The old people misunderstanding technology thing is getting a bit cliche though. It could be a feature with some work, like clearing up the ending and adding a few more funny throw away lines here and there. It doesn't really sound like a real news article now. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent

04:33, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Oh hey DJ, well I recently changed it from a balanced point of view, like a news report, to a more biased and forcful point of view, as suggested by Orian. I think it is more of a concept joke though than a collection of throw away lines. It is "an imaginary crime getting an imaginary punishment and all the hoo-ha in between" to quote Orian. I think the ending could probably use a cleanup though. I have just finished it and the ending may have been rushed. ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:45, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Well it depends if you want to take the more serious satirical route that Orian is suggesting, then you definately need to add more detail and make it sound more formal, names/places/dates and such. Still putting in a few good lines won't hurt. Either way you've got a good base but the article doesn't feel finished. The end is very confusing. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent

04:52, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

The end is the part I was most worried about. I will put in dates and times too, as that seems life a very good idea. Any ending problems in particular? ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 04:56, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, you're right. Basically I'm going to repeat everything that DJI said. It needs to be formalized a bit, needs to be formatted, spellchecked, grammar checked, etc. The concept is great. The text conversations were great, I laughed. It's a good idea and I haven't seen too many people do articles on this so it's fresh. Just stick with it and maybe even get it peed on so that you get some more indepth analysis. I'd do it myself but I've got a 10 page English paper to write and it's due tomorrow so I'm thinking I should go start it or something. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:51, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

Okily dokily, I will go ahead and start doing a bit more, than getting it peed on. Thanks for your guys' help. I will be back to whore this later. ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 23:06, 22 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] UnSignpost 23rd April 09

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Doi- AAAAHHHHH

April 23rd, 2009 • Issue 44 • Spamming Your Talkpage Since 2008

Conservation Week Largely Ignored By UnCommunity

By Gerrycheevers

Uncyclopedia is currently halfway through its bi-annual (semi-annual?) rewriting extravaganza, lovingly referred to as Conservation Week. Every six months, members of this silly wiki partake in the practice of pruning, hacking, nurturing, feeding, and otherwise bothering the 'trees' of the site, which is the running metaphor for 'article'. From the greatest feature machine to the lowliest n00b, everyone can participate in Conservation Week by simply finding a sub-par article and making it better via trimming or adding content, or just plain magic.

However, our special investigator DogNewspaper (pictured) has discovered that this so-called Rewrite-a-Thon is not the all-encompassing entity it is meant to be. In fact, normal operations such as VFD, VFH, and the Cajek Ban Joke Factory have not ground to a halt as they clearly should during this special fortnight. Users were puzzled by this revelation; RabbiTechno admitted that he has "little idea what 99.9% of the whole site is all about," and he elaborated that without his constant vigilance, UnNews would surely deteriorate into a third-rate media parody, which this reporter can verify is true.

Known conservation standouts have also shockingly participated in non-rewrite-related activities during the designated tree-hugging week. Dexter111344, reigning Greasy Mechanic, blamed the inclement weather, nosy librarians, and the almighty Zeus. Or maybe he just rewrote Zeus, but the librarian part was true for sure.

UnSignpost Reporter Subtly Mentions Vigilance Week In Article; Chaos Ensues

By Gerrycheevers

In the April 23rd, 2009 edition of the UnSignpost, masked co-chief-editor Gerrycheevers covertly linked the word 'vigilance' to Uncyclopedia's Vigilance Week page, inciting riots and mass panic among Uncyclopedians site-wide. Vigilance Week, the mere mention of which often inspires multiple forums where users argue and complain in bold or even italic font, is a period where the rules of article deletion are relaxed, and the worst articles on Uncyclopedia are loaded into the basement of the British Houses of Parliament and blown up using comical amounts of gunpowder.

The last Vigilance Week reportedly occured in September/October 2007, resulting in the death of borderline humorous articles by the dozens. The horrific memories of that week have greatly affected some Uncyclopedians, who remain extremely charged about the issue to this day. For example, Modusoperandi recalled his experience when asked to comment on Vigilance Week, saying, "Certainly. What's "Vigilance Week"?" Other users were similarly shocked, as V-Week, as it has come to be known, was described as "unmemorable" by one user, and "get off my lawn" by another.

However, the passion that Vigilance Week stirs up is negligent when compared to the shitstorm that results upon the mention of that black sheep of Uncyclopedia holidays: Forest Fire Week. This period in the Fall of 2006, when Uncyc was still really an infant in wiki-years, saw over 3000 articles deleted, more than 15% the total website content at the time. In fact, this very article will probably merit at least one forum regarding FFW despite this periodical's poor circulation and low-quality electrons.

At press time, the subtle link to Vigilance Week had caused a medium-sized riot, with hordes of angry users tipping over cars in the Uncyclopedia Parking Structure and setting the animals in the Uncyclopedia Zoo loose. The Cabal is poised to get involved by seizing all media outlets and gener- ATTENTION COMMONERS. ALL IS WELL. THERE WILL BE NO OCCURENCES OF ANY DELETION WEEKS OF ANY KIND. FURTHERMORE, COMEDIC ALLOWANCES WILL HEREBY BE INCREASED FROM 80 GRAMS TO 65 GRAMS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE DOING OF THE CABAL, AS THERE IS NO CABAL. GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

10:38, 20 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.40.56.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(DON'T BLANK PAGES (also, don't shout. Thanks!))
12:05, 21 April 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 0 seconds ‎(Thinking impure thoughts about Ricki Lake)
13:26, 21 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.216.48.30 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(If you're that bored go and find a solution for the world hunger. Trust me, you'll be much more popular)

Biopic of the Week

In another installment of Uncylopedia Legends, Procopius is a user you might never have heard of. Without so much as a fancy sig or a new-fangled typewriter, he cranked out feature after feature. His contributions to the medium of misinformation were also well received. Procopius was merely a hard-working blue collar Uncyclopedian, and is hereby recognized by this periodical as awesome.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

The mere mention of the great Procopius brings to mind one of his greatest masterpieces, The white guy in All-4-One. In this intellectually stimulating article, the mystery of a successful R&B group having a caucasian member is discussed at length. Incidentally, the white male in question has joined the search for an answer to the conundrum, which remains elusive to this day.

Cajek-inspired ban-smackdown of the week

08:52, 22 April 2009 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 643 seconds ‎(Oh look, a blatant attempt to get a mention in the UnSignpost)
08:57, 22 April 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 seconds ‎(Wups. Sorry. I thought you were Cajek.)
09:06, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 123 years ‎(Damn our evil wikian masters trying to overtake our newspaper. Revolt! REVOLT I SAY!)
09:07, 22 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(thought you were Spartacus)
09:10, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 14 seconds ‎(No no, I'm Spartacus)

Underdog of the Week

Rogue ball of tumbleweed recently exploded onto the Uncyclopedia scene, earning a few fractions of votes for N00b of the Month. Despite mild support, it seems fellow n00b YKWTMM is set to take the coveted badge home this month, with an unprecedented 'several' votes. Nevertheless, the UnSignpost would like to recognize Tumbleweed for his resilience and moxie.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 22:30, Apr 23

[edit] IC

Just so it won't be a blatant lie anymore 08:39, 24 April 2009 (UTC)

Alas, I have no sense of humor. —Sir SysRq (talk) 19:40, 24 April 2009 (UTC)

no problem. I was high on hash when I did it, anyway

09:22, 25 April 2009 (UTC)

And the funny thing is, I believe you. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:33, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] HATER!

Hey, Alex, you know that flash fiction you wrote? I read a book recently and I just figured out that it reminded me alot of your story (and vice versa). Here's the link if you're interested in buying it, there's probably a synopsis there too but bassically your "zombie-type-thingies" were alot like the "zombie-type-thingies" from your story. And I'd imagine that you're story would fit nicely into the aftermath of this one. Anyway I just thought I'd point it out to you, and I will read your 90's novel as soon as I can, bit bussy tonight though. See you around! :D ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:21 24 April 2009

Oh and just to clarify, it is set in an unamed British city, no plausibly about it. Fucking self-centered American Amazon. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

20:37 24 April 2009

Ah, flash fiction. I remember those days. Perhaps I should get back into that. Or perhaps I should sit on a donut. Thanks, I'll look into this. Also, is your S key a bit sticky? Maybe got some cum under there? —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:05, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

I don't come on my laptop. however the keyboard is falling apart, that coupled with the fact I can't spell worth a damn means its a wonder that any of you understand what I'm saying. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

18:24 26 April 2009

Ah. Well if you wouldn't mind reading/reviewing my article today I'd appreciate it, I've been getting some mixed feedback from other people that I've shown it to so I'm curious to see what you think. —Sir SysRq (talk) 18:32, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

Like a proper pee? I can do that. should do them more often anyway. Stay in master UU's good books. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

18:50 26 April 2009

[edit] VFH!

Please check out my new article on VFH! ~SirTags tit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 14:06, 29 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Here, try the bite size version

Greetings From Four Corners!!
Thanks for sending us a copy of A Guide to the American Roadside Attraction. Look at us! We're in four states simultaneously! We're headed to Waco, Texas next and we'll be visiting The Branch Davidian Compound Site and The Dr Pepper Museum. I hear they used to call Dr Pepper "Waco" because you could only find the stuff within the city limits. They say it was originally sold in a drug store as a brain tonic! We'll send you another postcard when we get to Mammy's Cupboard for some biscuits and gravy!

This one is easier to digest but I still put three links on what should be a simple thank you template.-- 15:28, 29 April 2009 (UTC)

Is it strange that I now live in Waco, TX? —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:34, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Thing

Hey, can I put myself on hiatus from IC for a while? I know I haven't contributed much yet and am in danger of being kicked out, but real life is getting in the way like the teammates in Left 4 Dead, so I'd be a ~~3rd~~ ~~5th~~ 35th wheel against my will. Just to let you know in case you think I'm a talentless lazy ass. Gis ym esiladnav! _LOB 15:38, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

Aren't we all just talentless lazy asses? I thought that was the definition of an uncyclopedian. besides I haven't seen sissy here in a few days. Also I take it you have a 360? you got gears of war 2? ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

15:54 30 April 2009

I've got some serious gears of war in my pants

16:49, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

You'd think that, but no, I'm a PS3 man, but word gets around about particular glitches. Gis ym esiladnav!

_LOB 17:05, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

Ah right, never mind, I just thought that Left 4 Dead was a 360 only. And which game we talking about for glitches? cos gears can actually be pretty bad for them. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

17:22 1 May 2009

It is 360 only, you just hear about these things. =P Gis ym esiladnav!

_LOB 20:07, 2 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

April 30th, 2009 • Issue 45 • The periodical that - Jesus Christ it's a lion get in the car!

UnSignpost Editors Too Busy Working on Anniversary UnSignpost to Bother with This Week's Issue

By Gerrycheevers

Since next week marks the incredible one-year anniversary of the storied UnSignpost, the editors are focusing all of their efforts on that issue and thus leaving this issue out in the cold. Rest assured that next week's 46th issue, marking the 46 weeks in the year on the Uncyclopedia calendar, will be "a bumper special issue" according to co-chief-editor Under user.

The promise of a special bonus issue brings to mind several of the UnSignpost's more notable issues, such as the All-Kitten Issue and the Seventeenth Issue Spectacular. Reactions to the milestone were mixed in the community. "I feel the signpost has in many ways brought a little too much cabal propaganda to the site for my liking," said noted good-looking tree Sycamore. Were there a cabal, cabal authorities would currently be on the way to Sycamore's house to arrest him. Lucky for him there is no cabal.

By the way, if you really thought this was the first anniversary issue, you suck.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

Take your pick

Biopic of the Week

<insert name here> is certainly noteworthy.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Nihilism.

Word of the Week

Brevity.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand delivered by ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 22:30, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

[edit] hiatus?

hiatus? what's all this, then? no worries, i'll hold the IC ship steady while you're gone. i've gone and started to hyper-colonize obama since it's been three weeks and it's not looking too good. come back soon! Lance AdmiralGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:30, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Are you getting yourself a vagina?

I presume so. And also I wrote something hillarious. Well you'll like it, HowTo:Build the Perfect Sandcastle, so you can take a look at that when you get back from wherever it is you've gone to. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 08:56 3 May 2009

I saw a vagina for 75 dollars on craigslist. Is that the one you're getting. It's so smooth. -

RA HB

08:59, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

isnt that a bit too much?

09:02, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

For your own vagina?! No way, man! I would pay ten times that much for one! -

RA HB

09:04, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

yeah, but why pay less when you can pay more? Or was it the other way round? Anyway, here you can get yourself a vagina for a little as 40 trillion zimbabwean dollars.

09:26, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

or one vietnamese dong

09:28, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

A dong for a vagina. Seems an equal trade to me. -

RA HB

19:48, 3 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

May 5th, 2009 • First Anniversary Issue! • Disdaining news in favour of blatant self-promotion

Self-Proclaimed Greatest Newspaper on the Wiki Reaches First Birthday

By UU

Can you believe it? We can't - particularly as we're only on issue number 46 - and yet it's true, the greatest piece of talkpage spam in the history of this shabby little wiki (and the most modest too) celebrates its first anniversary! Birthed in a blaze of optimism and creativity by fiendish evil genius Dr. Skullthumper and mythical user-in-exile Cajek at the start of May 2008, the UnSignpost was intended to shine a light into the dark corners of the wiki, keeping users up-to-date with anything worth keeping up-to-date with. In this special article, we examine what went wrong, where that glorious vision got corrupted, and how it has ended up in its current state.

The early issues were churned out at a great rate by the founding editors, and Cajek was so enthused by the project that he suggested to Skullthumper that they should move to a twice-weekly release - fortunately, this suggestion was shot down in flames by the doc, or the paper may never have celebrated a second month, let alone a full year! Skullthumper was first to leave the Signpost behind for pastures new, perhaps feeling his work was already done. Looking back nostalgically now at those heady early days, Skull exclusively observed: "Well! Working on the UnSignpost in the beginning was a really fun experience, not gonna lie. Cajek and I were both super excited about it. I'm glad it existed through to today, entirely by the help of other people. The setup was seriously the most fun part. We had NO clue what we were doing, we were experimenting with formatting, content, and a bot that only worked half the time. To summarize: It kicked ass. I had no idea it was about a year ago that it started."

With only Cajek powering it, the Signpost forged onwards, but was beginning to run into troubled waters - even Cajek's legendary enthusiasm was beginning to founder, and when he began to struggle for time, he asked DJ Irreverent to take the helm. We asked Cajek for a nostalgic comment about the Signpost, but he was unavailable, so instead here's a random line from one of his articles: "Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher"". The DJ managed to steady the ship (how long can we sustain this metaphor?), but struggled to handle the torch he'd been passed by his adopter (looks like we didn't sustain it very long - never mind!). Asked to comment on this turbulent period, the DJ exclusively remarked: "I dropped said torch like a ton of bricks as a good child should always do. I could not take on the family business, I needed to dance. Anyway, I wrote about 2 articles".

So the pattern of users taking over the paper, only to burn out and abandon it again was becoming well established. Next in the editor's chair was UU, who lasted about 6 issues, before becoming so overwhelmed by the pressures of the paper that he went and got married in order to have a good excuse to get away from it for a few weeks. Recalling those halcyon days, UU told us exclusively: "I love the Signpost, and have had a great time working on it. It does get in the way of writing real articles though, as some users might testify, and it can be a pain to come up with stories each week - hopefully this issue might spark a few people to put some more ideas in the press room".

Fortunately, UU had taken the foresighted step of questioning the staying power of one Gerrycheevers in a previous issue's "comeback of the week" box, and Gerry was so determined to prove he had what it took, that he took over the paper while UU swanned off around the world. Cheevers's time at the helm brought such classic issues as the all-kitten issue, and his exclusive dewy-eyed remembrances run thusly: "I'm proud for having successfully stolen this periodical from Cajek and Skull, and I look forward to many more years of turning forums into news stories, dredging up old features that nobody cares about, and of course making tedious Cajek ban jokes. I also demand a raise and Cajek's office!"

Unfortunately, Cheevers's staying power lived up to UU's expectations, and Gerry took another small break. UU returned to the paper, and frantically enlisted contributions from the likes of Orian57 and Heerenveen to keep the wheels of news turning smoothly. Asked for comment on his input, Orian exclusively told us: "It's a been a great help in bonding together this community. And it's made things more interesting, what with everyone trying to do news worthy things just to get their names in the paper. Or something, I can't manufacture funny under pressure and this is pressure because you're gonna put this in the paper just to humiliate me now, aren't you?". Hv, meanwhile, exclusively commented: "It's amazing that our wonderful newspaper has lasted for so long, especially when you figure ~~the~~ us editors have had nothing to work with but "OMGZ THIS WIKI IZ D00MED" stories since about Issue IV. It's a great tribute to ~~the~~ us editors' ability to make Cajek-filled fluff pieces up on the fly. Maybe ~~they~~ we should try for the Daily Mail?".

Gerrycheevers has been fully back on board since early this year, UU is still hanging around in between banning people and huffing stuff, and with other contributors still pitching in, plus a plentiful supply of Cajek bans to use as padding (see next story), it looks like the immediate future of the paper is in ~~good~~ ~~competent~~ ~~human~~ some kind of hands. Want to join the list of over 25 people who have contributed to the paper since its inception? Or want to join the ranks of hand-deliverers and paperbots that have been burned out along the way, and now line the wiki as lifeless husks? Give us a shout in the press room, and become part of the Uncyc furniture!

Wish we'd gotten a quote from Cajek though. Bastard.

Cajek 100 Ban Extravaganza

By Gerrycheevers

During the very same week that Uncyclopedia's most well-known journalism source (suck it, UnNews!) celebrates its first birthday with much cake and punch, one of its co-founders achieved his own personal milestone by being banned for the one hundredth time. Rumors of making Cajek an admin when he reached the milestone have thus far not proven to be true, although he may have magically gained sysop powers upon entering triple-digit territory and we just won't know it until he comes back from wherever he's hiding in a hailstorm of admin-related activity (whatever it is that they do).

The milestone was reached largely thanks to users such as Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who took to the streets in a grassroots effort to raise awareness, and Gerrycheevers, who went directly to certain sysops with demonstrably active bansticks pleading for a "Cajek-whooping." The landmark 100th ban was achieved yesterday, with the good Dr. Skullthumper blocking Cajek with an expiry time of "a milestone". The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Cajek, and also plead for his return.

Cajek was unavailable for comment, and this reporter was once again chased off of the grounds of the Cajek Mansion, this time by the abstract philosophical concept of existentialism.

From the desk of the Cabal Special

By No-one

The cabal is most displeased with this apparent so called "newspaper" or "voice of the people". What news could there be other than "maintain the peace and obey the cabal, should it exist"? What voice should the people have other than "Yes sir", "No sir" and "Of course, I'll send my sister post haste to your bedroom, Sir"? This useless rag might let people think that the Uncyclopedians have a modicum of freedom. We the cabal, do not exist. But if we did, we'd be most unpleased and just about prepared to clamp down on this operation. Obey the cabal, the cabal is your imaginary friend.

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Best of From our logs:

09:23, 30 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gay admin ‎ (you like rahb. rahb = penis. therefore you like penis. therefore you = ghey. this logic is irrefutable. also, morning mordillo.)
11:00, 15 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Slicktorine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Cyberbullying: We just don't care about you or your friends. Sorry. I suggest you ask him for a date. He's probably a really nice guy.)
02:46, 8 February 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 97.83.236.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fer the love of Christ, you make me think I actually have a life. You've been doing the same God damn thing since the summer. Just fuck off already.)
08:25, 13 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Tardman (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (I love being a cunt, it makes my hair glow)
Codeine (Talk | contribs) huffed "Wild sweaty orgies" (If anyone's gonna write an article about these it'll be me. I've done the research.)
02:14, 10 December 2008 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.142.37.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Hi. Welcome to Uncyc. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay here. We did too.)
04:57, 23 October 2008 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: & Not The Good Sexual Kind of Harassment Either)
04:20, 22 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.15.244.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You, sir, have gone above and beyond the call of failure. Now that may sound like a compliment, but read it again, paying special attention to that last word. Yeah.)
7:41, 20 September 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Just got back. Haven't banned Cajek in a month. Gotta get my fix. CLICK. Aaaaaah yeeeeeahhh. That's gooood shit.)
19:36, 21 September 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Reggie4 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (You have 2 cows. Both of them are banned.)
21:17, 23 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 62.88.33.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Try to suck less. You're sucking too much. I didn't say "stop"! Take your time. Yeah, that's the stuff. Now gently squeeze my balls.)
23:56, 20 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Swampgas (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (congratulations, now you can add us to your list of sites you got banned from for being a bellend)
07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 124.170.144.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.)
12:50, May 28, 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Benhagerty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (KILL EVERY FIRSTBORN SON)

Biopic of the Week

1 year old this week, the UnSignpost is the wiki-based newspaper vain enough to give itself a biopic! It has yet to write any featured articles, and hasn't even created a single featured image, but it's appeared on almost as many talk pages as a Modus one-liner, and is certainly the longest-lived newspaper on this wiki. Vive l'UnSignpost!

Thankies of the Week

The staff of the UnSignpost would like to thank all our readers for pretending to care long enough for us to reach this milestone. We couldn't have done it without you. (Well, we could, but there wouldn't have been much point).

Retraction of the Week

In last week's edition of the UnSignpost, the current swine flu pandemic was hailed as a blessing, and our editors expressed hope that the world population would be reduced, making references to particular groups of people as 'expendable'. We would like to express our deepest apologies for referring to this epidemic as 'swine flu', and we will henceforth refer to it by the disease's proper name: H1N1 influenza. We are truly sorry to any pigs or other members of the swine family who may have taken offense.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Water Polo... With Sharks! is possibly the most difficult, dangerous, and exciting sport known to man. With only slight rules variations from normal water polo, such as the amount of hands you can have on the ball and there being sharks in the water, Water Polo... With Sharks! is the world's second fastest-growing sport, behind Texas Hold 'Em... With Rabid Wolverines!

Pathetic Plea of the Week

What has happened to all of the robots? The UnSignpost has gone through a seemingly endless supply of robots, and several unsuspecting and apparently bored users have also hand-delivered the paper when no automated bots were available. Lately, Sock and Dexter have joined forces to ensure prompt Signpost delivery, but surely the task of pasting the paper onto ~~thousands~~ ~~hundreds~~ dozens of talk pages will result in arm fatigue and dog attacks. Therefore, a plea: everyone create more robots!

Old School 'Of the Week' Box of the Week

This Week in Uncyclopedia, featured in issues 3 through three, took a look back at some of the greatest highs and crushing lows in the history of this silly wiki. Look for this box to make a triumphant return to the UnSignpost, along with other old favorites such as UU's Obscure British Dialect Expression of the Week and Reason For Leaving Uncyclopedia of the Week.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 18:48, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Welcome back?

So, is that the comeback? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 18! 00:57, 10 May '09

No. June 5th is the comeback. This is just the "antagonize RAHB when I happen to have some free time" thingy. Back to English homework! —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:00, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

Fine.. goodbye til then, pal. And good luck with your school work :) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 01:04, 10 May '09

[edit] LEDs are the way of the future!

Just saying. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 11:12, 10 May 2009 (UTC)

I completely agree. P.M., RotM, & KUN, Sir Led BallUUn (Sick Sock) (Contribs) 14:56, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

Oh so you have time for this nonsense but not me? That speeks volumes, that does. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

14:58 11 May 2009

Yeah, 'cuz that took aaaaages. --UU - Oim frum Englund!

14:59, May 11

I don't care how long it took -- this conversation isn't even new! /Sniff! :'( ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

15:02 11 May 2009

Those sig stealing scoundrels with their teas and scones...SirMoarDildosNow on sale! VFH | GUN | Jew speak now | General? | poop 15:05, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I Have a New Article

read it if you have time. Also the choice of name was entirely coincidental. Nothing to do with you at all. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 14:16 11 May 2009

Now on VFH for your pleasure. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

15:25 12 May 2009

[edit] ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

and since I am your son, and you made an edit today, you should give me a present or something. Tagstit talk contribs awards 20:41, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Your present is this edit, treasure it. Wish I could hang around, but I'm off to Englishland and then a band concert. Meh. 24 days until graduation. —Sir SysRq (talk) 20:43, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks pops, looking forward to your return! Tagstit talk contribs awards 20:45, 12 May 2009 (UTC)

24 days till we can run away together. :swoon: -OptyC Sucks!

CUN21:56, 12 May

Graduating doesn't make you smarter than me. I'm plenty smart, and learnt all I need to know by using these here fists! Congratulations though. --Concernedresident 00:00, 22 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Tweet

Mr McElroy says thanks!

his blog is teh funnies!

11:44pm May 14th from web

tanks for teh voats!

11:45pm May 14th from web

~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 09:33 14 May 2009

[edit] UnSignpost May 14th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

May 14th, 2009 • Issue 47 • And you will know our name is the UnSignpost when we lay our news upon you!

Wales Speaks Exclusively to UnSignpost!

by UU

It's the big one folks, the interview they all wanted, but we got: shy, retiring Wikimedia mogul Jimbo Wales has spoken exclusively to your UnSignpost. Wales (pictured right in happier times) took time out from his busy schedule of inserting further Liberal bias into Wikipedia to share with us his thoughts on the credit crunch, the Obama administration, the Pope's visit to the Middle East, and the future of Uncyclopedia, and the insight is literally devastating in its incisiveness.

When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make profound pronouncements that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find.

Crowning Acheevement

by UU

UnSignpost co-editor, Imperial Colonization lynchpin and all-round star user Gerrycheevers has made Uncyclopedian history by becoming the first user ever to win all of the major monthly awards on the wiki: WotM, UotM, NotM, FPotM, and PotM. Plus RotM, although that's not really considered "major". This astonishing fact was pointed out by RAHB, proving quite conclusively that he must have no life whatsoever. When asked for comment, Gerry exclusively told us: "Well, I don't know what to say, really. I suppose my well-roundedness speaks volumes about my excessive amount of free time. My next objective will be to obtain a microphone and continue my quixotic quest to collect all of the awards".

Rules < Funny: The Essay

by UU

Loveable Uncyc pyromaniac The Woodburninator, long known for his views on how "rules" and "funny" should relate to each other, has, in an alcohol-induced "moment of clarity", composed an essay on the subject. He encourages you to read it, and exclusively told us he questions the sexuality of everyone who doesn't. As a completely neutral wiki newspaper, the UnSignpost of course neither endorses nor doesn't endorse any of the views contained within the essay. It just agrees with some of them.

Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it?

by Joe9320

It has been about a year and a half since Uncyclopedia's once shining usergroup network stopped operating and became extinct. As ever in such circumstances, conspiracy theories have quickly sprung up to explain how this could have happened. Some say that when Chronarion left Uncyclopedia to focus on another project, he left it to the Wikia staff to do all the patrolling, which caused Uncyclopedia's domain name to be changed in October 2008, and the user groups were left to rot with no activity, like the Hittites did when they destroyed their own city and left. Others say that UNSOC killed off every other usergroup, from the Grue Army to UNATO, and had a monopoly on the usergroups. Whether the theories are true or not, the usergroups appear to have all but died.

In January 2009, archaeologists from the Philippines dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader Necropaxx was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so active users right now; we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers".

The non-existent Cabal have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia 2005-2007 remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

18:42, 27 April 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked I AM GOD (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(Zeus called. He wants his title back. Something about missing having an excuse for incest.)
21:58, 13 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.141.62 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(seek the definition of life in the dictionary. Hint: it does not include so called venegance against humor wikis. Also, seek the definition of vengance. Creating wiki pages does not constitue as such.)
12:49, 14 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 82.41.56.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (don't blank pages, it's proof you have even less of a life than we do.)

Biopic of the Week

Colin "All your base" Heaney may possibly have the most annoying username to have to copy and paste into a Signpost biopic in all of Uncyclopedia. A mainstay in such helpful roles as VFD, Colin's accomplishments include contributions to the famed Al Gore colonization, having explosions in his sig that look rather cool when he signs a bunch of times in a row, and setting the record for most electrons used in a userpage and corresponding talk page. Go Colin!

Cajek Sighting of the Week

Co-founder of the UnSignpost Cajek was sighted this week in an alley behind his userpage, taking out the trash. He also updated his ban counter to a robust 117 and added electricity and magic to the iron fences surrounding the Cajek Mansion. Look for an exclusive fake interview with Cajek in next week's UnSignpost!

Desperate Attention Seeker of the Week

00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (The)
00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (UnSignpost)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Had)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Better)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Run)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (This)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Series)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (of)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Bans)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Next)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second ‎ (Week)

(There were more. We got bored copy/pasting them. Find the rest yourself)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand-delivered by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 18:55, 15 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Thanks!

Oi! My mate, Petie would just like to thank you!

Why, only fuck knows, I’m just the messenger – don’t shoot me! Cos that’s the problem with you people, you’ve all got it out for us, just cos we don’t have jobs you think we’re like, or even are, the scum of the Earth! And we’re not, you know, we’re people too. Just because we don’t have your fancy foreign cars and, fuckin’, sued shoes or whatever. We’re only out of pocket because you’ve taken all the fuckin’ jobs first! If it bothers you so much why don’t you donate your job to Oxfam and we could pick it up for bargain prices? Eh? Bet you don’t like that idea though because then we’d be the ones looking down on you! you fucking, lazy, tax-stealing, jobless scum!

Much apreciated nom, too. :D ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 14:19 18 May 2009

[edit] UnSignpost May 21st

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

May 21st, 2009 • Issue 48 • I've seen news you... people wouldn't believe

Glorious Cajek return story

By Socky

Something known as a "Cajek" apparently made some sort of return recently. According to eyewitnesses, he updated his ban counter, wrote a few articles, got some of his old articles deleted, did some nominating and voting stuff at VFH, and made several comments on user talk pages. This, seemingly, is about what he used to do, although few of our readers are old enough to remember his previous contributions to Uncyclopedia. Cajek exclusively told us the following: "Gotta go bye see ya".

People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable

By Socky & UU

What happened to users like MrN9000, Dexter111344, GlobalTourniquet and DrStrange? Were they run over by a train? Did they suffer from a heart attack? Are they running from the law? Or are we just getting too worked up after a couple of weeks' absence? Whatever be the case, we here at the UnSignpost hope they are all right and will be returning to us in the near future. More recently, it has come to our notice that Gerrycheevers, Sonje and RabbiTechno have been missing for at least a couple of days. Perhaps there is a serial killer stalking and brutally murdering bright Uncyc talents? (Are we getting good at this whole "wild press speculation and fear-mongering" thing yet or what?)

In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.

A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.

UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.

Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.

Porn! Porn! Pr0n!

By Socky

There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposed pornographic images on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"

Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.

Usergroups! Usergroups! Usergroups!

By Socky

War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.

Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.

"The End" is being foretold once more

By Socky

Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".

Multiliteralist, Cajek and Optimuschris posted the following "articles" in response to a request to write something for the UnSignpost.

Porn and the impending doom

By Multiliteralist

As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.

User groups and the impending doom

By Cajek

No wai, the impending doom is caused by user groups!

Impending doom and porn

By Optimuschris

Our porn! The usergroups are coming, and with them...impending doom! Treasure these last few mumble with your porn for the end is nigh!

First person article about porn and impending doom

By Multiliteralist

I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.

My advice

if you are in a usergroup and someone tries to make you watch some porn, avert your eyes!
if you see porn, remember that the doom is impending.

The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom

Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!

Check out these pages!

From our logs MOTHERFUCKING NIGGER LOVER SPECIAL:

21:34, 14 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Nevada" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Why is the fucking nigger vandal back? I figured he would have killed himself by now, the little waste of sperm......)
01:38, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Anybody else here a nigger faggot? Oh, wait, we all probably are. *goes back to eating his god damn fried chicken w/ Colt 45 on the side*)
05:49, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.212.236.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fucking one trick pony. And stop accusing all of us of being black, you worthless little prick. You do realise how gay that makes you sound when you tell us to suck your dick, right?)
05:55, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNDER USER IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, you're a clever little cookie, aren't you? I can't WAIT for you to do this me. Too bad I might not be up at the time...oh well.)
06:08, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "ROMAN DOG BIRD IS A NIGGER FAGGOT WHO SUCKS MY COCK 24/7" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, fuck it, I want to see what this little mongoloid can come up with instead, if anything. But seriously folks, in all seriousness, I'm as black as they get. A friend of mine told me this once.)
18:09, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Joseph Stalin" [edit=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) [move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) ‎ (Yeah, Bill Cosby pounded me up my gay nigger ass last night. It was HOTT.)
20:27, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.46.52.10 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Please end your life right now. Go take one od your father's guns, load it, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger.)
20:30, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" ‎ (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.)
20:31, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" ‎ (No, really. Tie a noose, put it around your head, hang yourself. Simple.)
20:32, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.)
20:33, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.)
20:37, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNNEWS SUCKS!" ‎ (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.)
20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" ‎ (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.)
20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" ‎ (And I'm sure shit like this has been done before. Originality certainly is dead. I mean, can you get any lamer?)
20:42, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" ‎ (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!)
20:43, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" ‎ (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....)
20:50, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.96.165.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Yes it does. You're a real rebel aren't you? I bet you've murdered many blacks before and beaten up various others. I am TERRIFIED of you.)
20:51, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Kentuckistan" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (You're talking about how we're nigger faggots like it's a bad thing. Well, if you keep talking about putting your dick in my mouth, that clearly makes you gay. Don't try to tell me you like women. You haven't said anything to prove this.)
22:19, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Ohio" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (Oh, so it's a domination thing, right? You can't possibly be gay since you're making me suck your cock, but I'm the one enjoying it since I'm a gay nigger, which is the type of person you hate. Right, okay, but do you like women? Y'know, with the vaginer?)
15:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked ZooZoo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Your mother is a nigger. You are what you hate.)
17:43, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 85.94.198.122 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (TYLER LIONS!!! YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!! AND MORDILLO IS A JEW, MY NIGGER!!!!!!!)
17:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Maryland" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Tyler Lions? Never heard a more niggerish name then that! Let's lynch 'em!!!!!!)
20:27, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Louisiana" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Well, you're finally listening to me! But Hitler's been long dead! How the fuck is he going to take out Mordildo? Don't talk for my nigguh hitler, man.)
15:42, 18 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Work" [edit=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) ‎ (Yo nigga, imma gonna break free from deese chains and fill yo cracka ass up wit mah dick, honkey bitch)

Biopic of the Week

MOTERFUCKING NIGGER BITCH LOVER is the token black admin. Known for his rampant homosexuality and love of sucking the cocks of racist vandals, he's forever spoiling the fun of innocent, hardworking vandals by deleting their masterpieces about their friends, and then adds insult to injury by banning them with excitable and lengthy comments. Bastard. He'll probably get lynched by the KKK before too long.

Cajek Notice of the Week

He was banned a couple times. No, seriously. See for yourself.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Brought to you by —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 22:33, 21 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Hey Faggot!

Or alternatively, hi there! I noticed your name was listed on IC. I also noticed that our latest project is in need of some help. So I put two and two together and realized I should ask Modus. When he told me to get bent, I immediately thought of you. I'm setting an arbitrary deadline for this one at next week Saturday, so if sometime in the next week you can tear yourself away from your porn collection and maybe contribute a line or two it'd be appreciated. We're counting on you, <insert name here>! -OptyC Sucks! CUN18:41, 23 May Dictated; not read.

Also; hurry back you big faggot. -OptyC Sucks! CUN18:41, 23 May

Yeah, Girl Pants, go vote for my article I rely on your vote, like democrats rely on the fag vote. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~

18:45 23 May 2009

[edit] UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Openly Admits Its Liberal And Conservative Biases!

May 28th, 2009 • Issue 49 • The kind of news your momma warned you about

Going Portal

by UU

Under conditions of great secrecy, a select group of talented volunteers has been slaving away at the wiki-coalface, dedicating themselves to the selfless task of bringing Uncyclopedia a dedicated selection of portal pages. And now their tireless efforts are starting to bear fruit, with the first few being linked on the Main Page by noted twirly star of David, Mordillo. He proudly flagged them up as "new!", until Bradaphraser, more accurately understanding the IQ of the average Uncyclopedian, flagged then as "newd!" instead.

What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly sexy portals: Politics; Games; Science; History and Art. And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from Cajek, one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What?

Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia!

by Docile hippopotamus

Actually, Nile and Nile related articles are not invading Uncyclopedia - we merely wanted to say that to see if you, the reader, were gullible enough to believe it. And you were. More like, "Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia hoax!" Let's find out what Sir Edward Mahm00shA, professor of Egyptian history and archaeology at Oxford university exclusively had to say about this: "It is a lie. And Ra saw it was no good. And the band is with me. And they hath uttered not a word about invading Uncyclopedia. Verily! Ra hacketh off the phallus of he who lieth". See now? Undeniable proof from Sir Edward Mahm00shA that the band is chilling with him and have not even mentioned invading Uncyclopedia.

We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector Mr. Great Lung Sphincter of Nebuchadnezzar the 1st to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power. Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than Nile conspiracists, but that Nile could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid.

To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no cabal.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

19:47, 25 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 88.208.208.132 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Yep, you're really trying, I see. Great, keep the laughs coming, Mr. Funny Man.)
09:37, 25 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 209.146.77.35 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You meant "make love to me, she dog")
20:43, 24 May 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 41.154.2.5 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Vandalizing articles, smearing dog shit all over Todd Lyons's car, etc.)
10:48, 23 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.211.138.192 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (don't blank, I'm running out of insulting ban reasons.)

Biopic of the Week

Todd Lyons has been on Uncyclopedia forever. No, seriously, he started editing in 2005 - and he's still here! He cut his article writing teeth on Dwight Schultz, and went on to write a further 98 of the buggers, while nailing his first feature with Fecal E.Coli, which started a run of 18.5 front page appearances up to the recent Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters. He's been an admin longer than most of our readership have been users. Put together. And he still has all his own teeth, he tells us!

Blatant Filler of the Week

This box here, which is blatant padding so the formatting of this issue looks about right.

Cajek ban of the Week

22:16, 26 May 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Unacceptable username: ...too few recent bans for my liking....)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

The only newspaper to be delivered by ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:38, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

[edit] UnSignpost June 4th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Word to your mother

June 4th, 2009 • Issue 50 • I love the smell of news in the morning!

Todd not Lionised by all?

By UU

Uncyclopedia's long-cherished status as the worst was given a massive fillip this week with the discovery that genial admin Todd Lyons has his own Facebook hate group. This considerable accomplishment has to be considered among the highest praise ever bestowed on an admin of this wiki. Kosher kvetcher Mordillo even opined that it makes him the #1 admin on the wiki, as "even Mhaille doesn't have a hate group!"

Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the WotM nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really, RDB is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a hate group on Facebook (if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the ban hammer after being on hiatus, they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the season and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this fall."

The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned.

Comings and Goings

By Gerrycheevers

As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of studying and finals; the summer season causing new and strange emotions in internet comedy writers; the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be mercilessly vandalized should their vacation extend overly long.

Popular aquatic creature user Finnius claims to have returned. His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality pee and other, less pungent useful contributions.

The elusive Cajek, a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include Dexter111344 after a brief hiatus and Gouncyclopedia!, who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog Dognewspaper returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story.

Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level. SysRq remains on an indefinite hiatus. Gerrycheevers has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late. MrN9000 is still among the missing. Codeine is apparently gone as well, and Necropaxx will be losing his precious internet. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

01:08, 3 June 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.8.59.236 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (So far you've edited the pages 'your mom' and 'school'. Want me to try and guess your age?)
07:46, 2 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.17.189.150 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (bored fuckes should go fuck boards. It's too early in the morning and I can't think of anything smart to say)
20:04, 30 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 174.117.160.23 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Cyberbullying: we don't want to hear about people you know and why you want to suck their dick. I know that's not quite what you said, but something about what you said implied it)
20:38, 29 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Da Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (PLEASE MASSUH WHIP ME, OH MAH GOD, I'M GETTIN' SO HOT, I'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!!!!)

Biopic of the Week

The very Reverend Zim ulator is the undisputed, acknowledged, and slightly puce master of UnNews. As such, reporting about him in a newspaper may be an act of such metaphysical self-referentialism that it creates a negative feedback loop, destroying the universe, or at least this wiki. But, in the name of bringing Zim's name to our readership, that's a risk we're willing to take. We'd normally link to a bunch of stuff he's done at this point, but just take a look at UnNews - as we mentioned, he's basically the guy who keeps it all tickin'. Rats off to ya, Zim!

Old School Featured Article of the Week

In a week when Obama is trying to reach out to the Muslim community, perhaps it is an apt time to consider how far he is going to have to reach. Will he ever be able to bridge the gap all the way to the readership of American Fundie Magazine? "The magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist", and is just as relevant today as it was way back in 2006.

VFD kept article of the week

Plan 11 from Outer Space has been referred to as "amusing", "pretty funny" and "hilarious". Go see why people thought it worth having around.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Delievered by Saberwolf116 01:52, 5 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] An important announcement from your friends at IC.

~~Did you know *snicker*...Ahem. Did you know that SYSRQ IS TEH GHEYZORS? LOLOLOL!~~

Also, we've decided to keep our Colonization projects contained to Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/project for your watchlisting convenience. Put it in your watchlist and try to remember to add a cuss word or something once in a while eh?

~~Also also, I heard that Gerry likes the smell of his own farts.~~

~~Have fun Colonizers and let's be careful out there. -OptyC Sucks! CUN15:08, 6 Jun~~

I actually meant to type "anus". -OptyC Sucks!

CUN15:21, 6 Jun

[edit] Tommorow doesn't mean ten days.

Where teh fuck are you? I haven't seen you anywhere in ages, not xbox not skype not here. Come back! And vote for my articles in teh top of the month. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 20:48 11 June 2009

[edit] UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

June 11th, 2009 • Issue 51 • Also available in convenient suppository form!

"Uncyclopedia Worst, Boys Smelly" Declares User

By Gerrycheevers

In a move that shocked the Uncyclopedia community, female user Kamikazewatermelon09 this week posted a topic in the lovable Pancake House of Benson. The shocking part of the incident was that an actual girl visited Uncyclopedia. Hooray! Our numerous virgin users can now cross off 'make contact with a woman (without giving a credit card number) over the internet, phone, or via smoke signal' from the list of steps towards achieving manhood. Though we can't help you with that face-to-face stuff...we hear that genre of contact is terrifying.

The content of the post was too lengthy and riddled with cooties for the male, attention span deficient UnSignpost editors to actually read. Furthermore, the UnSignpost Executive Board refuses to add cootie insurance to the UnSignpost employee health plan. However, resident awesome potatochopper and known girl Sonje was recruited to read the message and react as if she had been asked a clever question by a hypothetical handsome UnSignpost reporter. From her exclusive comments, it seems that the topic poster was disappointed in the vulgarity and immaturity displayed by many of our gentlemen users. "I find the crassness rather endearing," Sonje responded, "in moderation." So, the moral of the story is: the users who really count will forgive us our occasional desire to cuss a blue streak or upload some boob-related images. So...go nuts!

Cabal Criticism of the Week

By: Gerrycheevers

This week, lead Cabalist Mordillo blocked The Wizard Of Oz with an expiry time of Judgement Day, and did not provide a reason for the epic pwning. We here at the UnSignpost would like to call out Mordillo on this lack of explanation. Not as a courtesy to the user, which he certainly did not earn through his insertions of a weird version of a California article into several unseeming places. No, we would like to know why Mordillo did not take advantage of an opportunity that was ripe with comedic potential.

Surely this poor soul's username could have resulted in a ban reason referencing shiny red shoes or flying monkeys? A statement concerning the location of the user being a place that is not Kansas? We would have settled for a measly 'looking for a brain' line. But instead, you left us hanging, Mordillo. We'd like to officially call you on it, and we take comfort in knowing that though you can ban the editors, and you can ban our freedom, you can never ban the UnSignpost. Though, on second thought, you could delete it.

Check out these pages!

Invisible Forum!
Happy Birthday Sonic80!
Happy Birthday Woody!
~~Happy Birthday Modusoperandi!~~ FREAKING LIAR!

From our logs:

15:19, 7 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.192.116.120 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(How To: Fuck off for 3 months)
17:49, 7 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.1.87.74 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎(one two fuck you!)
10:00, 8 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.190.33.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(comedy website. all football clubs get equal treatment here - ie a merciless slagging. mind you, chelsea really do suck.)

Biopic of the Week

Of all of the writers enshrined in the Uncyclopedia Hall of Shame, Electrified mocha chinchilla has the highest number of featured articles without having ever been profiled in the UnSignpost. Whoops, not anymore. Anyway, his list of works reads like a what's-what of awesomeness. The entity known as e|m|c also organized and ran several Poo Lit Surprise competitions. Worshipful notes and pie can be sent to his talk page.

Retraction of the Week

In last week's exceedingly humorous edition of the UnSignpost, we referred to Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435 was requiring all returning users to announce themselves in the forums. This is actually Bylaw #453. We apologize for the mistake, and also from the confusion resulting from the real Bylaw #435, which states that every 94 days a user's dog must be sacrificed to the Rancor. Sorry Led, and get well Fluffy!

This Week in Uncyc, 1215

The Magna Carta was signed by King John of England, granting certain rights to serfs, peasants, slaves, farmers, and servants. This was immediately parodied in Ye Olde Signeposte, Uncyclopedia's bi-weekly periodical of the time. It was depicted as a document that forced King John to admit he had the power to tax servants, control every aspect of farmer's lives, and shoot serfs in his Royal Preserves for sport.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

I think I'm going crazy. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 13:15, 12 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Okay, here I am

Just sayin I'm back and all. Like, for good. Or at least for as long as I want. I'm off to go and try to re-assimilate as best I can. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:14, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

When I saw you're edit I was just so exited I actually farted! Also go vote for me! That's what you're good for isn't it? Orian57 Talk

02:20 18 June 2009

Ah, hello there friend, good to see you again. I will indeed vote for your article. (I see that was enough to get you on Skype.) Also, congratulations on the fart. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:22, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Hello, I don't know you and you don't know me, but I've read your articles and they are amazing. Staircase 02:28, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

How sweet of you to say. I'm looking at your userpage and it appears you have brought Cajek back so you're cool with me. Nice to meet you, Staircase. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Hello, I know you and you know me, but I've read your articles and they are shit. ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 02:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Same to you. The UnBook about the T-Rex is unbelievably funny. Staircase 02:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

How dickish of you to say. Go to hell, Dex. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:37, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

And thank you, Staircase, T-Rex was a proud moment for me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:37, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Love you too, Sys. Also Stair, I was just playing with Sys. ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 02:38, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I know, I made my edit without knowing yours was there. Staircase 02:39, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Kay. Just don't want any misunderstandings. ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 02:40, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Plus, I know you would be joking cause his articles rock. Staircase 02:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Fight fite feit! Staircase 02:42, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah-HA! I knew you couldn't hide forever! Dude, it's damn good to see you. Now make me laugh. --UU - Oim frum Englund!

08:17, Jun 18

I HAFTA BUY NEW KRAYONZ CUZ I BROAKD TEH WUNS I ALREDY GOT CUZ I CULLER TEW HARD LAWLAWLAWL. (That's totally your kind of humor, right?) —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:46, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] doo-doo-de-DOOOO

It's sysrq! I've been back for a while! Got any ideas for articles, or are you gonna troll around like me? BAN MAGNET! <3:27 Jun 18, 2009>

I was thinking we get to work on Palpatine! But I may just troll around for a few days, you know, get my footing again. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, I'm done having grand plans for articles. I just write 'em randomly now. Palpatine, you say? I remember "rewriting" that piece of crap. I'll keep tabs on it, because I gave up on that a while ago. Let's troll! BAN MAGNET! <3:37 Jun 18, 2009>

WOO. (Also, we had a plan for Palpatine that was really funny, I'll dig it up.) —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] IC

Welcome back, fucker! Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 18! 08:18 June 18 '09

Ah yes, my favorite Egyptian faggot. Good to see you, asshole. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:33, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah, you dont know how much I missed your Anus. Good to see you back, fag :) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:00 June 18 '09

I had sex with your dog. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:01, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I had sex with your ants Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:04 June 18 '09

I don't have ants. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:05, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I burning ur ants!!lol1!shift+1! Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:09 June 18 '09

Your sig randomizer is throwing me off. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:16, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Good to know that I'm pissing you off.. Also, I gotta go now, got some anatomy exam to study for. Also also, anus. *strictly homo manhug* Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:20 June 18 '09

Haha. Anatomy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:54, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Yea, the prof sits with a fucking corpse infront of him, and puts his hands in its guts, pulls out a bone or some piece of flesh and says Tell me, son, whats this called, whats its function, whats its nerve supply? and shit like that. Dude, its awesome, all that gore has killed our hearts and here we are, reckess motherfucking medical students. Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 18:15 June 18 '09

[edit] Anus

You're back! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) KUN SotM UotM 13:07, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Indeed I am, David! Good to see you buddy. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:47, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

David? How did you know my name? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

KUN SotM UotM 23:09, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] yeat another heading just titled 'IC'

welcome back, fearless leader. since you sailed off, we've colonized Barack Obama, Wikipedia, and Singapore. barack was stagnant, so i ended up doing a lot of it myself after three weeks. wikipedia turned out pretty good. singapore was really unexpected, because nobody really voted, but we managed to turn a hideously long, terrible article into a decent, readable, adequate one. singapore is up for review now, and we're working on You. we're still in the ideas stage, but i think we can get rolling today or tomorrow. i have some general concerns, we can discuss them at your leisure. good to have you back! Lance AdmiralGerrycheeversGunTalk 13:18, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Aye, seems like some really good things have been happening in my absence. I'm glad that I had a good number two that was willing to step up and make sure things got done. I can't thank you enough, Ger. I will be around IC more and will probably be resuming my duties as Admiral of the Fleet as of right now. As for these general concerns of yours, would you like to discuss them publicly (as on, on my talk page) or should we head to IRC or Skype? I leave that to your discretion. Hope to hear from you soon, I should be online all day. —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:31, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

nope, nothing shady, just wanted to make sure you were back and getting going before pummeling you with non-critical stuff. firstly i'd like to recognize Opty, as i had a small period of inactivity about two weeks back due to internets trouble, and he performed beautifully. secondly, i think we need to revisit the articles which we colonize, or else we run the risk of alienating potential reviewers. we've gotten some great advice, but as a group we don't go back and act on it sometimes. so maybe we could encourage colonizers to return to old conquests like barack and wikipedia and use the review to continue improving the article. thirdly, we've moved the current colonization to here: Uncyclopedia:Imperial_Colonization/project, for watchlisting convenience, and we will perform all actual colonization there, then move it to the designated place. i think that's it for now. Lance AdmiralGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:47, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

All of these are very good things. Chris has always been one of my good Uncyc buddies and I've always known him as a hard worker so it doesn't surprise me that he would be good at this whole IC thing. Revisiting articles is a great idea, and you're right, we don't want to alienate reviewers and make them think that any advice they give on an IC article won't be followed. Perhaps we should work that into the system somehow. A separate team for revising articles? Eh, I'm just talking out of my ass. Finally, putting all IC projects in the same place is great. I haven't looked at the rule page recently, but I expect that it will need updating to reflect this new development. Thanks again! —Sir SysRq (talk) 15:53, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

one more thing: tagstit doesn't seem to be answering his phone, and the points for singapore haven't been tabulated. do i have permission to go ahead and do that? Lance AdmiralGerrycheeversGunTalk 12:29, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Sissy!!!! ^_^

I missed you! --^Dame 16:21, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I didn't. Why couldn't you have stayed away you homo? -OptyC Sucks!

CUN16:45, 18 Jun

Because I missed Sonje too much. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:51, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

That makes sense. Seriously though, it's good to have you back. -OptyC Sucks!

CUN16:54, 18 Jun

He has a funny shaped head though. Only a mother could love that head. Orian57 Talk

16:55 18 June 2009

Hey, shut the fuck up. I told you about my cerebral fluid condition in confidence. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:56, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

I for one love his head... -OptyC Sucks!

CUN16:57, 18 Jun

And I never made any refrence to your, tragically ficticious, brain disorder. Orian57 Talk

16:58 18 June 2009

Oh dammit, I guess I spilled the beans on that one. Er, spilled the cerebral fluid. —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:15, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

All over my fancy shirt that glows in the dark and makes me look like a skelington. Fuck you, desiesed wanker. Orian57 Talk

17:18 18 June 2009

Wow, that's very unpleasant to think about. —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:19, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

No, you're unpleasant to think about. You and your diseased head. Orian57 Talk

17:30 18 June 2009

STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT STOPPIT —Sir SysRq (talk) 17:34, 18 June 2009 (UTC)

Can we please focus! Or rather can we take the focus away from Sissy's head and back towards my issues with abandonment. --^Dame

00:23, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

And yet, something tells me those two things may be correlated. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:25, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I assure you the only thing correlated to your head is Orian :P --^Dame

00:28, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I think i made it clear that I want nothing to do with that abomination. Orian57 Talk

00:29 19 June 2009

Ah. Well, in that case...here's a Snuggie. Go curl up on the couch and watch Lifetime, you woman. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Sissy, go vote for my shit on VFH, got two articles there now. Orian57 Talk

00:29 19 June 2009

Because you edit conflicted me, I will do no such thing. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Girl pants. Orian57 Talk

00:32 19 June 2009

Boy penis. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:33, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Don't be such a hater. Orian57 Talk

00:36 19 June 2009

Don't be such a penis. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:50, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

You mean anus. Now go vote. Orian57 Talk

00:53 19 June 2009

[edit] I need to ask you a very important question:

What was the name of that Chinese (or similar) emperor bloke who killed quite a few people? Orian57 Talk 03:15 19 June 2009

Emperor Pâlipitan? (can't resist a whore) BAN MAGNET! <3:20 Jun 19, 2009>

No, I'm pretty sure he was real. Don't think I dreamed him... Doesn't matter too much now anyway decided against Writing (nor can I) that particular joke. Thanks though! Orian57 Talk

03:49 19 June 2009

Pol Pot. I dunno if that's who you're thinking of, I just like to say that name. -OptyC Sucks!

CUN22:25, 19 Jun

the guy who did the tianimeniminimen square massacre thing? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 22:58 June 19 '09

Yes, because Pol Pot was totally from China. Orian, I'm afraid I can't help you. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:05, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

China, Korea, what's the fucking difference anyway? Oh, wait! I got it! It's Ghengis Khan! -OptyC Sucks!

CUN23:07, 19 Jun

thats mongolia Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 23:08 June 19 '09

or was it salt lake city? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 23:10 June 19 '09

Chairman Mao Zedong? --^Dame

23:11, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Actually, the Mongolian Empire stretched across quite a big portion of Asia. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

KUN SotM UotM 23:14, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

WHO CARES WHO CARES WHO FUCKING FUCKY FUCK CARES —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:15, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

holy fuck, thats the third edit conflict in two minutes Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 23:18 June 19 '09

That's cause my talk page is where it's at. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:21, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

How about Qin Shi Huang? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

KUN SotM UotM 23:30, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I dont really know who orian meant.. I mean many chinese emperors were tyrants, killed people and so forth Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 23:32 June 19 '09

Perhaps he meant Yang Shangkun. He was president during the Tiananman protests. But Mao was leader during the cultural revolution. But why? Why is Orian forcing us to use our sparse little brain cells at this ungodly hour? --^Dame

23:44, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Correction: Why is Orian forcing us to use Wikipedia at this ungodly hour? —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:54, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I just want to talk. Staircase 23:55, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Please don't interrupt

Just sit back and listen

And I can't face the evening straight

You can offer me escape

Houses move and houses speak

If you take me there you'll get

Relief

/me just happened to be listening to that song. —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:57, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah, the joy of Radiohead. --^Dame

23:59, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

I love Radiohead. I think everyone should, too. A Wolf At The Door? Amazing song. I don't see how anyone could not fall in love with that song. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:01, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

My guitarist worships the ground they walk on, I was forced to study the entire discography. Now I love them too. 'Climbing up the Walls' is my favourite song. --^Dame

00:04, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That is a great song. Makes me think of late night Halo Wars sessions. Because I often just put OK Computer on repeat while I play Xbox. I also like to bust out the Cheezits and spread peanut butter on my dick for my toothless dog to gnaw on. Ah, how I miss those days. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Bodysnatchers. Staircase 00:06, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Way to edit conflict me, asshole. Although Bodysnatchers is a good song. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I got two. Two edit confilcts. DOn't feel bad. Staircase 00:12, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

As does the dog, I am sure. Miss those days I mean, not the edit conflicts. Dammit. STOP BEING SO POPULAR SISSY! --^Dame

00:14, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Ya! Stop it! Staircase 00:15, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

YAHHH YAHH TRICK

AND YO FRIEND, YAHHH YAHH TOO

AIN'T GOT TIME FO CHIT CHAT

I'M TRYIN TA GET DIS MONEY

Now I'm listening to that song. =] —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:17, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

If there were a prize sonje would win it for her anser "Chairman Mao Zedong". Probably, I think that's who I was thinking of. And go vote on Writing, Sissy. Orian57 Talk

00:18 20 June 2009

And more importantly, delete that song. Thats the devil's music! O_o --^Dame

00:20, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Oh, sure. Got a fave band, Sissy? Staircase 00:25, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I do not. I literally listen to everything from Deftones to Radiohead to Aesop Rock to The Number Twelve Looks Like You to MF Doom to BT to Zao to DJ Tiesto to Tchaikovsky. One might say I am rather eclectic. Also, did George tell you to call me Sissy? —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:30, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

No, it's just everyone is, so I thought it was ok. Staircase 00:32, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That's where you're wrong. Just because a lot of Uncyclopedians do something does not make it right. In fact, usually if a lot of Uncyclopedians are doing something, it would be prudent to avoid doing it, or do the opposite. So, you should probably be calling me Yssis or something. I don't know, who gives a damn. —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:34, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I also saw SysReck. Staircase 00:36, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I think you mean SisReck. I usually respond to SysRq, Sys, Sissy, SisReck, Alex, or Bison. I can also be summoned with this MagicConch. ($14.99 USD) —Sir SysRq (talk) 00:41, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Grrr, don't use my name on Uncyc. Please? Orian57 Talk

00:45 20 June 2009

There's nothing wrong, George is a cool name! Staircase 00:46, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Perhaps, I'd just prefer Orian on site, OK? Orian57 Talk

00:55 20 June 2009

A wise choice. Using your real name on here is REAALLY stupid >_> --^Dame

00:59, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Really? Aw, shit! Staircase 01:07, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I only do it to George because he hates it. I'm not sure why, George is a fine name. I started calling him Gorgeous George on Skype and he seems to like that. —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:09, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

My name is Staircase. I made a dumb mistake. Staircase 01:11, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

That's a shame. —Sir SysRq (talk) 01:13, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Ya, it sucks. Staircase 01:15, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I wish I hadn't been lazy when I first joined...

...So that I actually could have done something, and possibly gotten Noob of the Month. Now I feel un-needed. Either that, or I just needed an excuse to post something.The SOAD Fan (Ryan C.) 15:57, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

You're still welcome here, friend. If you want to write, let's write! —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:40, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] UnSignpost! June 18th/19th!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

June 18th, 2009 • Issue 52 • Thinly sliced news, between two slices of humor, with lettuce and hollandaise sauce

Votes for Sandwiches Officially Opens

By Gerrycheevers

This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordillo exclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."

Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!

Comebacks! Only $19.95! Call Now!

By: Saberwolf116

Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!

By: Gerrycheevers

Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!

Things Brewing In IRC

By Sockpuppet of an unregistered user

People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

14:37, 11 June 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a nice stroll in the park ‎(The only edit I can make on this website right now is blocking myself. Woohoo!)
15:42, 12 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for The Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) ‎(Follow the yellow brick road to oblivion! Put on your red shoes and dance! dance! Ackowledge that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. And yes I am the wicked witch of the west. I have a wart to prove it)
12:11, 16 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.101.164.1 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎(vandullism - and your cheese looks old and stale anyway. bring me something fresher. and a red onion chutney - let's do this properly)

Biopic of the Week

Sonje ~ Bursting onto the Uncyclpedia scene in March 2009, this spunky female user already has quite the impressive resume. Her six featured images speak of her monumental potatochopping abilities, and she won consecutive Potatochopper of the Month awards. Yeah, that's right. Consecutive. We look forward to many more expertly manipulated images and other general awesomery from Sonje in the months to come.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Continuing in the vaguely sandwich-related theme, Sausage Butty Batter Nuggets are a staple of English cuisine. With a complicated recipe that often leads to dangerous and/or hilarious consequences, this food is nevertheless a highly desirable meal for any self-respecting gentleman or lady in England, and is often served at croquet competitions and monocle-wearing contests. Pictured at right is the extra-crunchy West Country variety.

This Week in Uncyc, 3500 BC

The Great Pyramids of Giza, one of the greatest technological and engineering feats in human history, was parodied in the monthly Uncyclopedia newsletter Bird, Bird, Crocodile, Man With Dog Face, Bird, which was painstakingly written on papyrus reeds by dozens of slaves. In the periodical, the Pyramids were described as "just okay", and were depicted as a stepping stone to grander projects such as Great Cubes and perhaps even a Great Octagonal Prism.

Reason to Leave Uncyclopedia of the Week

#12: Space issues. With so many users returning, and Cajek refusing to grant access to the Cajek Mansion (which takes up over 60% of all Uncyclopedia's property), there just isn't enough room for us all.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

You'd think I'd learn that this isn't fun to do... Oh well. ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 19:40, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I Have Possessed Your Vote

And for that I am extremely thankful! As is Cajek, I'm sure. :) --T. (talk) 04:48, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

It was quite brilliant. Every once in a while, you have to show up and remind us what an excellent musician/songwriter/lyricist you are and it sickens me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 04:50, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

You're much too kind. :) I'm actually quite relieved that I haven't completely lost it. It's literally been years since I've sung anything, and I haven't done any audio production until the recent UnNews mp3s I resumed last month. But, I'm glad I took a chance at uploading something new... It actually was just a gift for Cajek, and wasn't supposed to be nominated. :) --T. (talk) 05:06, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Aw, well that was very sweet of you. If only I had a handsome and talented gentleman suitor to sing me a love song...all I've got is that one faggot. —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:14, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

If I tried to sing you would all go deaf. Staircase 05:16, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

I've finally got my home studio set up in my new house, except for my mic but that will just take a few seconds. I may start singing for you guys if the fancy strikes me. —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:19, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

You definitely should. :) --T. (talk) 05:21, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Well, if you're anything like me, you shouldn't. But then again, I'm a freak. Staircase 05:33, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

DAMMIT TODD I SAID IF THE FANCY STRIKES ME CHRIST YOU CAN'T RUSH ART —Sir SysRq (talk) 05:40, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

Actually, you can. Staircase 05:47, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

~~Just slap on an 'Express' label. Works on my packages.~~ Just think of us as the grains of sand irritating you to produce that pearl. (wiggle wiggle) --T. (talk) 06:35, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

A PEARL IS JUST AN OYSTER POOP —Sir SysRq (talk) 06:37, 20 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Moar Feature Thankies

Writers, of all kinds, would like to thank you!

For voting for the article on Writing to become featured.

They wrote this template just for you, please apreciate the effort - it is a work of art after all!

Orian57 Talk 13:00 22 June 2009

[edit] An unimportant announcement from some douchebag at IC.

Hey dude. Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that my Grandpa died last Sunday. Understandably, I'm not feeling especially funny right now so my participation in IC will probably be very minimal for the time being. Just wanted you to know I'm not abandoning y'all by any means. -OptyC Sucks! CUN16:09, 23 Jun

If you are not joking (and I dont think you are), I feel deeply sorry for you. :( Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:19 June 23 '09

Dude. All the best Opty. --UU - Oim frum Englund!

17:59, Jun 23

My condolences. Orian57 Talk

20:32 23 June 2009

We'll manage somehow, please take all the time you need. Much love, Chris. —Sir SysRq (talk) 21:11, 23 June 2009 (UTC)

Thanks guise. And I'm glad to hear you'll manage somehow. =D Ta, I needed that. -OptyC Sucks!

CUN14:20, 25 Jun

[edit] Have you voted

For me on WotM yet? Also what do you think of LazyTown? Orian57 Talk 03:40 25 June 2009

You... you... you thing that begins with "W". Haven't you crushed me enough yet? :) --T. (talk) 13:12, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

I have, just moments ago. And I even mentioned how you didn't whore me into doing so. Now you've made me look like a liar. YOU'RE THE LIAR. And no, I have not taken a good look at LazyTown. I will get to that soon. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:44, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Speaking of looking at things, um... Can you checkout my rash? It's starting to turn green. That isn't good, is it? ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 03:46, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

sorry I meant to link Orian57 Talk

03:47 25 June 2009

Not THAT green. —Sir SysRq (talk) 03:48, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I think hate was a tad harsh

To be honest I thought we got off on quite a good foot; apparently you feel it was a manky and leprosy infected one. Well, I'm always right when it comes to diseased limbs so you listen to me now. I don't care that you didn't vote for me in Foolitzer, I don't care that you refused to say anything nice to me this morning on IRC, but what I do care about is when you publicly insinuate that we are not having an affair.

I think you need to take a deep breath and rethink your priorities, Mr. ~~... Or Miss, I haven't quite worked that out yet.~~ Im Not A Sunbeam 10:42, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Welcome to Uncyclopedia!

I see that we need to straighten a few things out as far as what actually goes on around here. I can see how to some it is not inherently obvious at first, but there is a certain atmosphere around here that makes Uncyclopedia what it is. Scroll up a bit. OptyC calls me gay all the time. Scroll up more. There's Orian57 calling me girl pants, and there's me calling him a faggot. My point is that we never stop. This is all one big joke. We joke on each other because we're all friends here and, for some reason, we think it's hilarious. It's just how we are. Last night (or this morning, for you Brits) was a pretty typical example of a fun night on IRC. Some of it may have seemed to be at your expense, but for the most part we all joke on each other. So don't think I have anything personal against you, or that I ever mean anything I say. In fact, you can generally assume that ANY Uncyclopedian is kidding whenever he/she says anything.

So welcome to Uncyclopedia! Hopefully you realize that, by me joking around with you, I am actually extending a hand of friendship. Don't worry that said hand has a loogie in it. It's all part of the fun. Cheers! —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:21, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Ooo, that's so nice of you. And it's romantic, too, I love romance... Fuck you, shipwreck Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:32 June 25 '09

Shipwreck? I don't think I've been called that before. I like it, clever. Good job. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:35, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

o rly? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:37 June 25 '09

I called you God once. Man, was I wrong. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

KUN SotM UotM 16:40, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Especially considering I'm an atheist. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:41, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

hey, you're an admiral of her majesty's fleet.. Shipwreck fits you Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:43 June 25 '09

You're right. That's probably the worst possible nickname for someone in my position. My men have no faith in me now. Thanks a lot. —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:45, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

vote for me here Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool

18! 16:47 June 25 '09

Er dude. I wasn't taking it in a bad way. Sheet I need to sort my wording out if it came across that I was offended. I majorly suck at trying to be funny if you didn't get it. Friends? Sunbeam ~~no u~~ Have you been doing your ironing?

Your mom's a friend! ~~Pleb~~ KUN Dexter111344 • Complain here • Vote now! 18:09, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Lies. My mum doesn't even have facebook >:( Sunbeam ~~no u~~ Have you been doing your ironing? 18:21, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] I just realised

This page doesn't have enough me on it. I am therefore going to rectify that matter by posting this comment on it. This comment may not be funny, chucklesome, hilarious or whimsical, but it makes up for that by being from me, which automatically makes it a good thing. Also, this wiki is definitely a better thing with a Sys in it. That needs mentioning too. --UU - Oim frum Englund! 20:09, Jun 25

Wow, I think I just came. You know, cos there's not enough of me here. Orian57 Talk

22:51 25 June 2009

There's plenty of Orian in here, enough to kill a horse. But I'm always in want of more UU, you are always welcome here on my talk page. Let's strike up a discussion! Celebrities always die in threes. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and now...Michael Jackson! How does this make you feel? Could you be next? —Sir SysRq (talk) 23:29, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

How is Farrah Fawcett a celebrity? Also, your page seems to be lacking in OptyC. It's the most important Opty you know, much better than OptyA or OptyB. Also also, you're a faggot, but not the good cuddly kind of faggot like Orian. More like the perverted old faggot who makes everybody uncomfortable at Christmas. ♥ OS? -OptyC Sucks!

CUN14:26, 26 Jun

Ah, way to bring that up, you whore. And of course I'm always in need of some OptyC in my diet. OS? —Sir SysRq (talk) 02:14, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

What's an Ed McMahon? Is he something to do with wrestling? Also, it would be more interesting if celebrities always died in trees. Discuss. --UU - Oim frum Englund!

11:21, Jun 29

Well it would help determine who was the most famouse out of said three and so who we should invest more time into mourning. Indeed perhaps even who we shouldn't have cared about in the first place. Orian57 Talk

11:24 29 June 2009

[edit] Hi Gustav

Hey, are you Gustav? -Contestant 10:33, 28 June 2009 (UTC)

I sure am, er, was. I think that, in the year or so I've been using this account, you're the first to address me as Gustav. Why do you ask? —Sir SysRq (talk) 16:13, 28 June 2009 (UTC)

I was just browsing through the ancient archives, and well... Mr Zheliel^Brute! 09:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] UnScripts:Trapped at Sea

Whaddaya think? Orian57 Talk 12:21 28 June 2009

Bump! Orian57 Talk

17:35 28 June 2009

[edit] You said my talkpage was epic!

So here's an apple. And a cookie. From the cookies of my heart.

Zheliel has awarded you a cookie!
Now go play in traffic.

Zheliel has awarded you an apple!
Nope, it's not rotten.

Mr Zheliel^Brute! 09:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

June 25th, 2009 • Issue 53 • The newspaper that steals other newspapers' lunch money

Users Campaign to Delete Vast Portions of Uncyclopedia

By Gerrycheevers

Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.

First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.

Next in line for the guillotine was Uncyclopedia's longest-running and only soap opera, The Young and the Uncyclopedians. At the head of this movement is prominent murderous amphibian Thekillerfroggy, who made such bold claims as "Vanity, sir!" and "Words words words!" As this project is not merely a page but an entire slew of pages, it was rejected by the Uncyclopedia Deletion Tribunal, but further actions may be in the works.

When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"

Usefulness of IP Contributions Called Into Question...Again

By Gerrycheevers

The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris.

The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.

When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

01:41, 24 June 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 66.109.20.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX)
00:18, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!)
00:17, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) resurrected Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) ‎ (wrng "a"gn)
00:16, 21 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (NO MORE MR. NICEGUY)

Biopic of the Week

"How has the UnSignpost never run a biopic on So So?", you might ask. "I mean, his userpage is somewhere between confusing and disturbing, but the guy's a comedic genius! His writings are classic!", you might continue. You might even mention that he was nommed for WotM for about half a year in 2007 before finally winning the thing. Well, you might be interested in reading this week's UnSignpost, and then you might look into shutting up.

Old School FA of the Week

The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere save for a select few unclaimed square inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean and Belgium (but nobody gives a crap about Belgium.) The United Nations is working on this problem even as you read this.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

We're not late you're just high! Orian57 Talk 14:22 30 June 2009

[edit] Uncyclopedia:Timeline and UN:IC

SysRq,

Just thought you might be interested that an idea was brought up at Gwax's timeline project for a possible collaboration with UN:IC. MadMax 15:07, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

[edit] Ta!

I, Orian57, extend my grattitude for (of?) your vote on WotM!

No but seriously, guys. Thanks, it means something to me, more than it should probably.

Have you voted for me on WotM yet, fucker? Also where are you? you keep leaving - stay the fuck still! Orian57 Talk 12:16 1 July 2009

[edit] UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 2nd, 2009 • Issue 54 • The newspaper with the name that's an anagram of "stop using n"

The Young and The Uncyclopedians Cancelled

By Gerrycheevers

After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically.

Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin."

Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream...

Main Page Suffers Spasms of Dickery

By Gerrycheevers

If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else.

You may or may not have found an intruiging offer to reffer freinds to take some sort of mp3-player related actions. You may or may not have found some sort of story with a vague theme of respecting one's elders, and eveything about those elders, and we do mean everything. You may or may not have found some sort of strange mix of the two that left you with conflicting feelings. These feelings may or may not have included, but not been limited to: fear, anger, jealousy, confusion, fear again, and a vague sensation of falling.

The admins responsible for this will not be named here, due to their next probable cause of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episiode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, will not be named.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

12:34, 26 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Gotlegginh (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off)
21:18, 26 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 seconds ‎(Non-kosher edits to Woody's meatpage)
08:35, 29 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.78.127.159 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(I is an 8 year old from the UK with super admin powerz, fuck you)
11:49, 1 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 222.153.106.69 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(I think you'll find it is you who fail. and not even epically either - just with a bit of a whimper.)

Biopic of the Week

Lovable Wikia dictator Sannse has settled in rather well in the Uncyclopedia Community. She is a double Hall of Shame member, and she recently took home the coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month award for her work in making things behind the scenes to run smoothly, which we take it means that she is very good at regulating the caffeine intake of the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Uncyclopedia. Her typical reaction to watermelon jokes is summed up on the right.

Old-School Featured Article of the Week

HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble is an informative guide to consistently winning via questionable means that most enjoyable of letter-arranging games, Scrabble. Fake dictionaries, fake online dictionaries, fake tiles, and octopi are just a few of the diverse methods one can utilize in order to gain a distinctly unfair advantage while playing the game.

This Week in Uncyc, 1776

While the American colonies and the British Empire were not quite getting along, the corresponding members of Uncyclopedia were also having a bit of a flamewar. Prominent British users subtly edited the article on America to include a fictional fourteenth colony called West Wankerton, and American admins reacted by banning the drinking of any tea-related beverages in the Uncyclopedia break room. In the end, both sides agreed to a truce due to the massively impressive fireworks show, which was a Fourth of July tradition. The truce basically entailed both entities cooperation in the vandalism of the article on France.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 19:37, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

User talk:SysRq

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Contents

[edit] RAPE!

[edit] I'd be happy to...

[edit] I...I think it's time...

[edit] Feature-worthy?

[edit] UnSignpost 23rd April 09

[edit] IC

[edit] HATER!

[edit] VFH!

[edit] Here, try the bite size version

[edit] Thing

[edit] UnSignpost! 1st Anniversary Special!!!

[edit] hiatus?

[edit] Are you getting yourself a vagina?

[edit] The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special

[edit] Welcome back?

[edit] LEDs are the way of the future!

[edit] I Have a New Article

[edit] ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

[edit] Tweet

[edit] UnSignpost May 14th

[edit] Thanks!

[edit] UnSignpost May 21st

[edit] Hey Faggot!

[edit] UnSignpost! May 28th, 2009

[edit] UnSignpost June 4th, 2009

[edit] An important announcement from your friends at IC.

[edit] Tommorow doesn't mean ten days.

[edit] UnSignpost June 11th/12th/whatever

[edit] Okay, here I am

[edit] doo-doo-de-DOOOO

[edit] IC

[edit] Anus

[edit] yeat another heading just titled 'IC'

[edit] Sissy!!!! ^_^

[edit] I need to ask you a very important question:

[edit] I wish I hadn't been lazy when I first joined...

[edit] UnSignpost! June 18th/19th!

[edit] I Have Possessed Your Vote

[edit] Moar Feature Thankies

[edit] An unimportant announcement from some douchebag at IC.

[edit] Have you voted

[edit] I think hate was a tad harsh

[edit] I just realised

[edit] Hi Gustav

[edit] UnScripts:Trapped at Sea

[edit] You said my talkpage was epic!

[edit] Unsignpost! June 25th or 30th

[edit] Uncyclopedia:Timeline and UN:IC

[edit] Ta!

[edit] UnSignpost: July 2nd, 2009

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