User talk:Randfan/howto:/howto:speak.../howto:Speak Gerbil

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NOT DONE YET!


Hello, inferiorsuperior life form! Have you ever wanted to learn the marvelous and ancient language of gerbils? No? Well, now you can anyway. From the same creepy-ass guy who lives in a basement who brought you HowTo:Speak Dolphin and HotTo:Speak Chicken, comes the slightly chewed language guide to learning the language of gerbils! (called Gerbilinese)

edit about gerbils

Gerbils are cute and fuzzy, right? Wrong! We're bloodthirsty, power-crazed, rabid balls of fur that shit a lot! We're bent on conquering the universe and enslaving all creatures that are "superior" to us. You shouldn't be reading this....

edit your retarded Let's get started

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First, gerbils will always say your superior but really thier word for "human"is "chumchum flur" meaning "Die you stupid ass! Your nothing compared to me! I did your mom last night! Why don't you just go read a book, you hairless, smelly bastard/bitch!". However, if your not intimidated with our might and lack of stupidity, read on.

If you want to be able to speak, write, and decipher countless ancient scripts written in Gerbilinese, you've come just in time an hour late. Leave now, before we vaporize you with our Gerbilness! Just kidding, we're going to do that tonight. Any ways, every year, an annoyingly high amount of gerbils are emigrating from their homeland, Chickenland to other less crappy countries in order to escape war, famine, oppressive government control, crap like that. These chickens aren't just here to take our jobs and overcrowd our schools, they have come to mingle with us superior lifeforms, though they're poor attempts at learning the Human language (Esperanto!) has left them completely isolated from us superior lifeforms and our superior culture. If you have a soul (hence, you are not: Oprah, Wayne, a Dolphin, a Heartless, a boat, a plane, Greg, or Jane) then you will learn the inferior language of chickens so you, too, can communicate with these inferior lifeforms, and make their inferior hearts feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

edit Lesson One: Cast Aside Your Presumptions

Do just as the title says, stupid. Cast aside your presumptions about grammar, spelling, your little syntax formatting and sentence structure; throw all that out the window. Chickens do not use grammar. Is it because they're barbarians, or i's it becuzz theyir stuppid and cantt speell? That's right, it's both. They're inferior lifeforms!

edit Lesson Two: Common Phrases

In Chicken, there is one common phrase: Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck. This phrase can mean many different things, from "Thank you", "Sorry", "Come again", "I love you", "I hate you", "How are you?", "How's your mum?", "She's doing just splendid", "She's doing terribly", "That's too bad", "Let's change the subject", and even "Did you get the 'stuff'?" In fact, this phrase has over 250,090,690,300(it has 250,090,690,301) meanings. By using it in the proper context, it could be a great way to get your point across (of course, you don't have to prove anything to chickens; you're a superior lifeform!). However, for a novice, it might be advisable to use it sparingly, like butter and kittens, to prevent what you meant as "I'm sorry" to be taken as "Yo' mamma so fat, she got baptised at Sea World", or "Yo' mamma so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks." (oh, burn!) You see, if there is anything chickens hate more than people dissing their mommas, it's Killer Whales and low-calorie multi-grain wheat snacks. Say it, and it'll earn you a talon upside your head. Or worse, a rabies-infected beak. If you actually believed that rabies part, you obviously are an inferior lifebeing.

edit Lesson Three: Other Phrases

For everthing you can't say with Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck, there's the phrase Gargle cluck chirp-gargle, or the massively popular Churp churp gargle-cluck. Careful, though: it costs eight MP to use one of these phrases, and have you seen how much an Ether costs these days? For that much, I could get three Potions and a Weapon upgrade. If you're going to use one of these, you better make sure the other chicken you're speaking to isn't a level 50 Red Mage, or else it'll open a can of Firaga on yo ass!

Now, if you don't live in a fantasy land frought with wizards and fire-breathing dragons, you have nothing to fear. But again, we caution you: careful what you say, or you'll get a talon or rabies-infected beak upside your head.

edit Lesson Four:Your Fowl Name

Before you meet a new chicken, learn your Buck-toothed Name, the superior moniker gerbils refer to superior humans as "ass-wipes". To find your Fowl Name, follow these steps:

  1. Create a multi-billion dollar company but waste all the profits on crack
  2. Become a Sumo wrestler
  3. Eat a twenty gallon-bucket of cheeze while singing "Mary had a Little Lamb" within 20 minutes night. If you can't do this, you're not worthy.
  4. Take your middle name and reverse it. If your middle name is Bob, your reversed name is now Bob. This name is now your only name.
  5. Remove all consonants and replace them with wiggle-lum-ooffer. Bob would now be "Wiggle-lum-oofferowiggle-lum-ooffer". If you have multible consanents in a row add "wiggle-jon-oo" at the end of the first consanent and all repeating consanents in a row until the last one.
  6. Remove all letters in your new name, and change it to Limble.
  7. Learn the way of the of the Altoid
  8. pour 2 liters of Dr. Pepper dow your ass.
  9. Forge a massive army of drugged-up constipated and fizzy-assed sumo-wrestlers to overthrow some random oppressive monarchy.

And that's your new Buck-toothed Name. NOTE: Buck-toothed Names are magnificent and superior and are not to be used when speaking to another gerbil because you don't deserve it. Void where prohibited. Restrictions apply.

edit Lesson Five: Introducing Yourself

Now that you know the name you are to use around chickens, it is high time you learn how to introduce your superior self to these inferior lifeforms. Here is a dialogue between two people (one person and one inferior chicken) meeting for the first time.

Human (humans always have the right to speak first): Churp churp gargle-cluck (Hello inferior lifeform, I am superior to you.)

Chicken: Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I of course knew this because I am a lowly chicken and you are a great and worthy human. Please grace my inferior ears by speaking your name to me)

Human: Cluck cluck gargle gargle churp-cluck Cluck-cluck. (My inferior Fowl Name is Cluck-cluck.)

Chicken: Cluck cluck gargle gargle Cluck-cluck churp-cluck-- (Mine, too, is Cluck-cluck, and I am notworthy of--)

Human (As a superior lifeform, feel free to interrupt the lowly chicken): Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I did not want to know your inferior and obviously foul and stupid name, and now you shall be hanged for disrespecting your superior human overlords.)

Chicken (submitting to a superior lifeform): Gargle cluck chirp-gargle. (I most likely deserve it. Please make it quick, superior being)

Human: Churp churp gargle-cluck (No, I will make your execution slow and agonising because you are an inferior lifeform)

Chicken: Cluck (Okay...)

edit Lesson Six: The Finer Points

  • When saying good-bye to a chicken, it is customary for superior lifeforms to strike the chicken roughly around the neck with a blunt object.
  • Chickens say sorry by kicking dirt in each other's eyes. As a superior lifeform, you have the right to kill them.
  • Don't take shit from chickens.
  • Remember, it is perfectly legal to decapitate chickens with a rusty hedge-clipper in over 43 states. In fact, here is a list of things it is legal to kill a chicken with:

So now you know how to kill speak to chickens. if you are unhappy with your results, simply send back this instructional language guide free of charge and we'll return your money back, 100%, completely (except shipping and handling fees).

Now go kill converse with a chicken! Cluck-cluck, asshole.
Tursiops truncatus head

Ee'k a'ak sqeeek uh'k ak! Are you ready for your first lesson?

Squee'ek uh'k kk'kkkk squeek eee'eek! Hello, human, it is nice to see you here. If you had no idea what I said, then you don't know shit (about Dolphin). The language of dolphins (called Dolphin) is spoken by over seven million intelligent beings all around the world (all of them dolphins) and on most parts of the dolphin's homeworld (also called Dolphin). And this is a course designed especially for humans to learn Dolphin. A'aak k'kkkk eeek squeak! So come learn!

edit Why should I learn Dolphin?

Although no human in existence understands Dolphin (yes, this article was written by a dolphin), learning Dolphin could be an extremely useful skill. Learning a second language provides one not only with more job opportunities in the future, but more chances to meet new people (by "people", I of course mean dolphins), and it also opens up a window to a people's culture (again, I mean dolphins). also, on the off chance that the world is about to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspacial bypass, you won't confuse it with a tripple summersault through a hoop while wistleing the star spangaled Banner

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edit First Lesson: The ABCs of Dolphin

The Dolphin alphabet consists of exactly seven letters. Three vowels: a, e, u. Three consonants: s, q, k. And the letter h, which..uhh..we don't really get what it is, so just forget about it. Kk'kk-squeek! Forget!

A'aak uh'k eeeeeh ahk ahk'kkk! Learn the ABCs please:

(In a melodic tone) A, E, H, K, Q, S, U...A, E, H, K, Q, S, U...etc...

edit Lesson Two: Nouns

Nouns in Dolphin belong to one of three genders, just like humans: Strait, Gae, and Bi. Knowing to which gender a noun belongs to is not too important, as all but the pickiest of Dolphins will understand you nonetheless. However, you should still learn. Every noun also has a certain level of "sexiness", which determines exactly how one should pronounce it (but you'll learn about that later. If I feel like it) Here is a chart of some common words in Dolphin and their sexual orientation (gender, duh):

WordGenderSexiness
K'kkah (water) Strait kinda sexy
Eeeehk (dolphin)StraitGodly sexy
Uh'k (human)GaeHideous
squeee (fin)Straita little sexy
k'kk (kitten)BiVery sexy
Squee'ak (fish)Gae Maybe
Kah'kk (boat)GaeNot sexy
Squa (ocean)BiI dunno?
Kkkkk (penis)GaeAverage
squasqua (*it*)BiSteamy...
Quaaaa (land)GaeDefinitely Not Sexy
Squeeeh'kah (toy)GaeSexy
Uuuh? (tree) ??? What's a tree?
Squa'akk (tailfin)Strait Extremely sexy

edit Lesson Three:Verbs

Any action in Dolphin (i.e. eating, sleeping, masturbating) can be expressed with one word, depending on the gender of the subject: Eeeh (strait), kkk'kkk (gae), or squeeek (bi). The sexier a word is, the more E's and K's it gets. So if you were to say "Slap the dolphin", you would say:

Eeeeeeeeeeeeh ka eeeehk!

Because "dolphin" is such a sexy word, it gets 12 E's in the word slapped, as oppose to human:

K'k ka uh'k! (Slap the human)

Which only gets two K's because it is such a hideous word.

edit Lesson Four:Adjectives

Dolphins don't use adjectives. We don't believe in pointing out differences between us dolphins and you ugly, smelly humans.

edit Lesson Five:Prepopopopsitions? Prepostions? Prepozoids? Those things you put between words

In Dolphin, to use a preposition, the subject must exhibit a certain level of sexiness to be worthy. For example, you can use the word aaah'k, which means "inside" with any word, even human. But the word k'kkqua (outside) is reserved for extremely sexy words, like dolphin or tailfin. If one were to say "Throw the human outside" in Dolphin, they would be instantly eradicated. But if one were to say "Throw the dolphin outside", they would still be eradicated...nevertheless, that's not the point. Dolphins are picky, so use the right word. Or else..

edit Lesson Six:Questions

Never ask a dolphin a question in their native language (Dolphin). It is a mark of the highest disrespect and will immediately earn you a bitch slap. The Dolphin language was invented for communication; how is anyone supposed to use it the right way if we keep asking questions? ! However, it is perfectly alright to ask a non-dolphin a question, even in Dolphin. So if you must ask a question, the right thing to say is: "I amm hor nee". No, really! It's a universal sentence that can mean whatever you want it to. Yes, it is magic. Yes, dolphins are wizards. Hee hee...stupid, smelly human.

edit Lesson Seven:Adverbs

Adverbs are like adjectives. But for verbs. We don't use them. Go away!

edit Lesson Eight:Punctuation

All sentences spoken in Dolphin end in an exclamation marks. Since we don't use questions, question marks are useless. If a sentence makes you really happy or really mad, don't use exclamations, use @. It's the plural form of "!" and makes a delicious snack anywhere.

edit Lesson Nine:K'aah Queee!

K'aah Queee! is a word in Dolphin that means "Knowing when to shut your mouth" and is a very important part of speaking Dolphin. K'aah Queee! involves shutting your silly non-pointy-toothed human mouth when confronted by a much worthier being. K'aah Queee! should be used whenever:

  • a human is in the presence of a dolphin
  • you are in the presence of a king, knight, or paladin
  • you are in another dolphin's hood

Failure to follow K'aah Queee! earns you complete and instantaneous extermination of you and your species via Capybara bomb.


Congratulations! You can know speak fluent Dolphin! Ee'k kkk'kkkk hu'uk squaaah squeeek! All you need to do now is purchase Dr.Chum's Human-Dolphin Dictionary, available anywhere Human-Dolphin dictionaries are sold.

As a reward, you can now put these pretty templates on your User page next to your other assorted random crap:

{{User Dolphin}}
Tursiops truncatus head Eeek ahk sque'ek uhk kkkk'k squeek!


do-3 This user is able to contribute with an advanced level of Dolphin.
Show everyone you can speak Dolphin, too.
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