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If you've ever listened to parents talking about their children, you could be forgiven for thinking that child care is a complex, demanding and expensive necessity. However, with their combined experience of at least several days and following extensive experimentation, Uncyclopedia's Child Care Unit Advisors and guest experts have discovered that it doesn't need to be like this. Read on to find out how to raise children the easy way.
edit Meet Our Guest Experts
edit Dr. Albert Fish
Few people can claim to have as much experience when it comes to children as "Albert" Hamilton Fish, also known as the Gray Man - he is rightfully able to claim to "have had a child in every state" of the USA. Albert learned his trade by closely observing boys at public swimming pools and, a deeply religious man, believes that God has commanded him to continue in his work. He now specialises in working with African-American boys, many of whom claim that he is the only one prepared to listen to them.
edit Professor Myra Hindley
Myra is probably the best-known child care expert in the United Kingdom where she came to fame during the early 1960s for her innovative work with disadvantaged boys and girls in Manchester. Her career began in 1963 when she and boyfriend Ian Brady observed 16-year-old Pauline Reade. Noticing that the girl was wearing white stilleto-heeled shoes, the pair worried that she was at risk of being mistaken for a prostitute and charitably stopped to offer her a lift in their van - Reade was glad to accept and explained that she was on her way to a dance. Finding the girl rather naive, Myra talked to her and explained that teenage girls should never attend events of this type alone, as they could be the subject of unwanted male attention. Pauline replied that there was nothing else for kids to do in Manchester and that dancing was the only way she could relieve the relentless boredom of her life; so Myra and Ian, keen nature lovers, offered to take her on a tour of Saddleworth Moor, a renowned nearby beauty spot. The girl's life was changed forever, and Myra and her boyfriend made a vow that they would try to show other Manchester teenagers the glory of nature by taking them on similar trips into the countryside.
edit John Wayne Gacy PhD
If anyone could be described as truly adoring boys and young men, that person must surely be John Wayne Gacy who, between 1972 and 1978, organised literally hundreds of free parties for local youths. To entertain his young guests, Gacy would appear in full make-up and costume as Pogo The Clown and perform the hilarious comedy routines. Having suffered an alcoholic and violent father during his own youth, Gacy realised that many of the children who visited his small Iowa house did so to escape violence at their own homes and so he set about converting the crawl space below the building into a refuge for them - at times, as many as 26 boys aged from 4 to 18 slept there.
edit Paul Gadd
Paul Gadd is a man of many facets, having achieved worldwide glam rock success during the 1970s under stage name Gary Glitter. In later life, he has used the considerable fortune he earned through record sales to fund his own private child care projects in both Cambodia and Vietnam, known as The Gang with himself as Leader.
edit Punishment and Threats
edit Becoming Pregnant
If you wish to care for children of your own, you will first need to become pregant. This can be difficult, especially if you find that you are one of the 50% of the population that is unable to do so because you are male.
The traditional way to obtain children for males is to find a woman, marry it and then - please skip this section if you are of a nervous disposition/Catholic - subject it to sexual intercourse. This will have a high chance of causing prgenancy in many, but not all, cases - for those who find it either impossible or have little success, there are a number of different options available:
- Men who find it impossible or whom are unwilling to find a woman willing to have sex with them (ie; the majority of male Uncyclopedians) may wish to try adoption. This is a programme whereby children produced by other people and unwanted by them are offered for sale to adoptive parents - the main drawback of this is that parents will generally wish to retain ownership of desirable children and so you may be limited to a choice of defective children such as those with ginger hair or with disabilities. However, as it is hard for adoption agencies to find homes for children of this type they will frequently give permission for them to be adopted by anyone on a no-questions-asked basis and will not probe too deeply should you turn up at their premises a few days after adopting one child, claiming to have broken it and asking for a replacement. Indeed, many adoptive parents have been successful in acquiring ownership of a series of children despite their previous adoptees disappearing in mysterious circumstances .
- Abduction is another popular method among males who wish to obtain a child for which they can care. You will first need to find a child - luckily, children are quite common and are often to be found gathered together in one place which makes life much easier for the potential abductor; parks, candystores and around schools are good places to look for them. One tried-and-trusted method is to cruise around these sites in a car or van with blacked-out windows - when you see a child that looks as though it might benefit from your special attentions, simply pull into the kerb alongside it, open the passenger door and drag it inside before speedily conveying it back to your home or to deserted woodland. Many children will make quite a fuss if surprised in this way, so keep a sack madeof heavy fabric handy to fasten over the child's head - this will help to muffle screams and prevent disturbance to passers-by. In most cases, this will also fool the child into thinking it's night-time, at which piint the child will become limp and cease fighting - however, in some cases, a sharp knock to the head may be necessary.
- If there are no facilities of this type where you live, consider getting some puppies and placing a sign prominently on your home advertising the fact that children of your preferred type (ie; fair-haired girls in school uniform aged nine or younger) are welcome to visit and pet them at any time. Most children adore candy, and so it's a good idea to keep some heavily laced with rohypnol or another knock-out drug in the home as these can be fed to the child to prevent it escaping prior to being safely contained in the
sex dungeonbasement guest bedroom.
- ↑ For example, Mack Ray Edwards of Los Angeles County was given custody of a total of 28 children between 1953 and 1970, despite the fact that each one vanished without trace. However, adoption agency officals who visited his home in 1965, after the 14th disappearance, did inform him that he would only be allowed to adopt black children in future and that he needed to do something about the red stain on his living room floor because it looked like blood and might "emotionally disturb" his next adoptee.
As mentioned in the previous section, it is generally far easier for females to become pregnant than it for males - though it may still be necessary to have sexual intercourse for pregnancy to occur (unless you were visited by an angel round about the 25th of March - which is actually a very useful excuse should you find yourself needing to explain an unplanned pregnancy to your parents).
Note: The following section does not apply to females who are either A: educated in martial arts, B: sufficiently knowledgable about male anatomy as to be able to deliver an effective kick in the balls, or C: in possession of admin powers. If any of these categories apply to you, please skip section 1. No really - please.
- The method for a female to become pregnant most likely to lead to success is to spend time on a website known to be populated by large numbers of males. She should make the effort to talk provocatively with these males, as they are likely to be far too
inexperiencedpolite to feel comfortable raising matters such as sex with women and, having found a suitable candidate, to purchase several sets of attractive lingerie and an air ticket to wherever he lives. She should then rent a hotel room for a weekend, dress in the lingerie and allow him to impregnate her as many times as he is able while paying for regular deliveries of beer from room service. To increase her chances of becoming pregnant, it is best if the women allows every third impregnation to be in the orifice of the male's choice.
- If the standard methods do not lead to pregnancy, the next option is to consider abduction. Like pregnancy, it is usually a far simpler task for a female to achieve than it is for a male - very few people will think twice if they observe a female loitering about the schoolgates and will assume she is there to collect her own offspring. Likewise, when children are taught about "Stranger Danger" (a worrying left-wing/Democrat concept that seeks to facilitate the break-up of traditional family units by preventing citizens from obtaining children by any means other than sin) they are invariably taught that dangerous strangers are always men and that, should they find themselves subject to the attentions of a male they do not recognise, to seek help from a woman. This can actually work in the prospective abductor's favour - a female and a male working together will find it far easier to abduct a child if the male approaches the target first and allows it to escape. The child will then approach the female for help - if she offers to give the child a lift home in her car, the child can be easily conveyed to the secure, deserted location of your choice where as much loving as you wish to give it can be administered.
“Go on then, have a baby; if you really must. Babies are better than rabies - but only just”
Contrary to popular belief, babies are not dependent upon their parents or carers for food and are in fact more than capable of feeding themselves if left alone for a few days. Uncyclopedian researchers obtained a number of babies and left them locked in a house while we all went out on a three-day drugs and alcohol binge. Upon our return, we discovered that seven of the subjects had died and one - the only one to survive the experiment - was seriously dehydrated. To enable it to recover, we decided to take it with us back to the last bar we had visited and allow it as much thirst-quenching beer as it desired. However, after arriving at the bar and following the consumption of a few beers of our own (only 12 or so) we discovered that we had inadvertently forgotten to bring the baby with us. Returning home once more, it was found to have expired. The eight dead babies were then sold to local businessman and fast food entrepreneur Abdullah for use in his kebab factory, giving us enough money to once again return to the bar.
It was later pointed out that, while most parents would like to be able to go out on drinking binges, not all would be happy to return and find that their children have died because childhood mortality has been proved to have an adverse effect on the gross value of welfare benefits cheques. Having observed babies putting any object they come across into their mouths, we wondered if - placed in the right conditions - they might be capable of foraging for food without adult supervision and so we obtained another eight babies and left them roaming free in the garden while we embarked on another three day session, wondering if they might prove to be able to find enough spiders, wild fungi, dead mice and so on to be able to survive. When we returned, we discovered that only one baby had died - or so we assume, as we were able to locate only one leg (the neighbour's dog was looking well-fed and we believe this fact may be connected to the baby's disappearance). The others were in good physical health, although two found feeding on wild fungi have since displayed evidence of paranoid schizophrenia.
Conclusion: It is perfectly safe to leave babies unattended for periods of three days or more provided they are locked out of the house.
edit Toilet Training
Dumb animals, such as dogs, are easier to toilet train than are small children - most animals will understand the concept of a litter tray within a few weeks, whereas children may take three years and even then will still have so-called "little accidents" due to their sheer malevolency. So why bother? Just fit the child with a portable cesstank and leave it in place until the child turns 18 and you can expel it from your home.
edit Temper Tantrums
"MUM! WANT CANDY!"
"No, darling - you've already consumed more than your not-inconsiderable bodyweight in candy today, you fucking fat little shit."
Thus begins the phenomenon dreaded most by parents of toddlers - a temper tantrum. By the time it reaches the third A in WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! the child will be lying on the floor, thrashing its podgy arms and legs around and somehow simultaneously inhaling in preparation for the sort of scream otherwise only produced by a black metal vocalist having his pubic hair ripped out.
Child care manuals with less impressive cojones than this one advise parents to keep calm and wait it out - but how can you? Every other customer in the supermarket (toddlers have been shown to exhibit 99% of all tantrum behaviour while in supermarkets, which goes a long way to explaining why the staff all look so miserable) is now looking at you like you've just snatched a scotch bonnet off the shelf, sliced it in half and pressed it firmly onto the child's eyeballs (which, incidentally, we recommend as an effective punishment for minor toddler misdemeanours such as going over the edges when colouring in, being unable to quote passages of Kafka and so on). What's more, this is the forty-ninth tantrum so far today, it's still only 10.56am and much as you'd like to smash the little fucker's head into the concrete floor until it goes quiet you can't her, because all the cosy middle-class mums with their perfect angelic kiddies will only take offence and start telling people you're a problem family - and if that happens, your little darling is never going to get into that posh private boarding school you're so desperate for it to attend just so you can get rid of it for weeks on end and for the social cachet.
We at the Uncyclopedia Child Care Advisory Unit have the answer - simply carry a hypodermic syringe full of heroin about your person at all times. At the first sign of a tantrum, simply roll up one of the toddler's sleeves and hit a vein - the calming effects are almost instantaneous
- ↑ If unable to locate a vein on the toddler's arm, try the groin. Failing that, directly into the eyeball also works well. If none of these work, inject it into your own arm - you'll find that within seconds you no longer care.
edit Ages 5-8
Children of this age are fairly useless now that open fireplaces have largely been replaced by modern central heating and the chimney sweeping business is not the money-spinner it once was, though if they're your own offspring they can provide a valuable source of compatible organs should you find yourself in need of a transplant. In saying that, children at this stage in their lives have small and nimble fingers; making this the ideal time to teach them the fine art of rolling a joint. Also, as they are still small, they provide a smaller (and harder to hit) target for speeding traffic, meaning they can be used to retrieve itens accidentally dropped into a busy road.
In many countries, children of this age are considered to be below the age of criminal responsibility - that is, if they are caught committing a crime they cannot be charged with any criminal offence. This fact can easily be put to good use, by using children in your care to go out on thieving missions for you. However, do be aware that as the child's parent or legal guardian, should the child be linked with you you will then bear responsibility (if you are not the child's parent or guardian and obtained ownership of it by abduction, being linked to the child may result in still harsher penalties). To avoid this happening, keep the child confined to one room during early life so that it cannot learn the address of your property or develop a familiarity with the local area. Once it reaches the age of five, place a bag over its head and place it into your car. Drive to a shopping centre or other target, explaining to the child that you will pick it up from a designated point near to the target and that if it is not there within one hour with goods to the value of at least several hundred pounds/dollars, you will torture and kill it (see the section on Punishments and Threats for more details). Of course, this threat does not necessarily have to be carried out if the child succeeds only in stealing smaller-value items as this still indicates a child with promise. In this situation, a savage beating will often suffice. When the time comes to collect the child, simply park somewhere nearby out of sight to ensure it is not accompanied by police officers/social workers or other do-gooder busy-bodies, put the bag back over its head and return home. By using this method, a child caught stealing will be unable to provide police with information able to lead back to you.
Children this age also make very useful drug runners. If you are a dealer, you can use one or two to deliver drugs to your clients. Let the clients know that, should they take the drugs from the child and then not hand over the cash, you will no longer sell them drugs. Let the children know that if they even think of keeping the money or revealing any details should they be caught that you will not only kneecap them, but also their mother and any family pets.
edit Ages 9-12
At this difficult time in their lives, children are no longer babies but are also a long way from becoming adults. This is the age at which they must start to learn the harsh realities of life and that the world is not a magical place full of love, happiness and joy. It is down to you as the parent or guardian to instruct your child in these unfortunate truths.
The best method to use depends on the child, and what works well for one child may be ineffective in the case of another. The secret is to discover what your child holds most dear in the entire world and then destroy it along all that they previously believed to be true about it. Many parents find that an extremely effective method is to buy the child a pet such as a puppy or fluffy bunny, allow the child a few days in which to play with their new friend and begin to love it, and then slaughter it in as slow and gruesome way as possible right in front of their eyes before forcing the child to consume its still warm flesh. Other parents have found that employing a local paedophile to dress up as Santa Claus and make a midnight visit to the child's bedroom, delivering presents that the child can only keep provided they fulfill certain obligations. Most children subjected to one or both of these methods will soon develop into a hardened individual who expects nothing but suffering and as such will not be shocked by the unpleasantries of adult life. It sounds harsh, but it's in their best interests.
“You often hear people say, "We want a baby." But did you ever hear anyone say, "We want a teenager?"”