This is a talk page archive. Its here because something needs to take up space right here. So leave it ALONE. Post anything that you have to say to me on my real talk page or I will just ignore you. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 18:21, June 8, 2010 (UTC)
Forums were created, ideas were exchanged, and the Cajek search party was sent out again. Only the last one was in vain, as an all-new Colonisation page was rolled out last week. Uncyclopedians wasted no time in signing up and nominating their first target: the utter garbage pile that was Al Gore. Previously containing banal tripe such as Manbearpig references, internet invention claims, lockbox bollocks, and other assorted drivel, the article is now, according to an official Colonization spokesman, "well on its way to not sucking."
Future Colonisations have been lined up as well, leading this reporter to believe that this time around, Colonization is here to stay, even moreso that Manforman or the Poison Pee template. It looks as if the article on Jews is next on the Colonisation docket, since all articles relating to that topic are "utter bilge, consumed with hateful pointlessness and also secretly controlled by Jews."
British Infiltration of Non-Existent Cabal Continues at VFS
Talking of organisations secretly controlled by Jews, the non-existent UncyclopediaCabal was expanded ahead of schedule to the tune of two brand new Britishadmins at the weekend.
The early opping was due to two factors, firstly, an unprecedented landslide, with two candidates polling so many votes that the final round was rendered an irrelevance, and secondly, new 'crat Mordillo being impatient to use his whizzy new powers to op the new admins before Codeine or Mhaille beat him to it.
The most votes were polled by MrN9000, and your USP can't think of a more deserving recipient of a shiny new banstick. He's already thrown himself into his new role with gusto, banning, deleting, featuring and the like with gusto, and proudly declaring "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing", thus showing he has as much grasp of the role already as any other admin.
The numbers were made up by fellow limey Under user, who has been keen to get started using his whizzy new powers, but has been limited to mainly joke bans so far by MrN's astounding competence and annoying habit of doing all the work. UU was unavailable for comment (which is odd, seeing as he's writing this), but his wife had this to say: "you bastards! Do you have any idea what you've done? I'll be lucky to see him for more than about half an hour a week now!" She wasn't joking.
05:09, 24 February 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blocking you for a day because I feel like it (and also because you blanked California))
19:44, 21 February 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a slightly torn pair of pants (Happy adminship, fucker <3)
16:40, 21 February 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a brand new pair of admin pants (let's see, who to ban first... Cajek? Too obvious. Mordillo? See last comment. MrN? Yeah! Oh, and about damn time you got this - how come they gave it to me too?)
10:58, 21 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (his first ban is the crat who gave him powers. my sort of chap)
10:54, 21 February 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Rogue Admin)
10:15, 21 February 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Ne habla gibberish)
Biopic of the Week
Sockpuppetry is normally frowned on here at Uncyclopedia, with bans routinely handed out to those who transgress. There are no exceptions. The exception, of course, is Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, a sock who seems to have its head sewn on the right way, or at least drawn on with permanent marker in the right way. He makes his presence felt by fighting vandalism wherever it rears its ugly head, and generally making himself helpful around the wiki. A helpful sockpuppet? Got to be one of the signs of an impending apocalypse!
Explanation of the week
This week, there will be noCajek ban of the week. This is because Manticore decided to ban him in the hope of making it into your UnSignpost, and we're not gonna give that big ol' whore the satisfaction. You hear me, Manty? YOU'RE NEVER GETTING IN THIS... Oh shit.
The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Hv is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now!
I am both deeply humbled and appreciative of your vote to promote me to Knight Grand Cross of the Order and shall send the magic van round to your flat with virtual contraband
Thanks for your support oh prettiest of the pretties. You may now consider me your personal flying monkey, ready to do your bidding.-- 14:44, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
Hope your brief absence was refreshing. The epic isn't quite the box office smash but it was still quite a statement and hopefully getting a .5 for each of us. A group effort got all of the formatting issues settled and Spang came along and tabled the article. On the final tweaks it was truly amazing to see so many sentences that were half mine, half yours - Like the deer in the headlights bit. You writing Lionel's part was key because I wouldn't have gone in that direction, probably making a "Jocko Madigan" clone ala Novak. There would have been no Sophie and no junkie.
The direction and tact of the period piece is settled and fairly obvious. Your crackin' the code is a fixture and your invited to add/edit at will. The ram photo might need another fix or two if you have any suggestions.
Per above, I'm ready to fly too.-- 14:43, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
Apparently everyone loves snuggie so much that it's a hotspot for unwanted edits!-- 14:08, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
I am about ready to ask Sannse to place a quasi-lock on it to keep these god damn kids from monkeying around with it during studyhall. And what the fuck is it about teenage males that makes them think that doing really stupid stuff is "kewl"? I look at my son and he is so sweet and a good kid and then I look at my husband and see what he'll become. Its all I can do to stop myself from slitting my throat. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 18:10, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
But she looked at me like I was wearing orange in the St Patrick's Day parade. I wasn't sure if that was fog behind me or if my favorite place for take-out Chinese food had just went up in flames but I knew that I'd better make this quick either way. "You were great, kid" I told her but her facial expression never changed. She kicked off her heels and put on a pair of roller skates but she looked about as comfortable in them as a woodpecker in the petrified forest. She took one last drag off her cigarette, blew the smoke in my face, flicked the butt at my feet and rolled away into the night - leaving me standing there like a wide screen TV on layaway. I took another sniff of the air and now I was sure, Chang's Wok Inn was definitely on fire and it looked like it was going to be another night of hamburger helper and "Juggs" magazine..............................
Hope you like the template!-- 11:59, 8 March 2009 (UTC)
 I admit that my attempt to reorganize the section was poorly conceived, but there must be something we can say about how neoteny is related to cuteness. (Admittedly, that might belong in the neoteny article instead.) Any suggestions? --Pentium5dot1t~^_^~c 05:57, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
As you have learned, I tend to police my articles ;-). It is sufficent to say in an article, one bullet point, that reads: * [[Neoteeny]] is cute with the link so that people can go to that article; and its a cute way to do it, too. Part of the problem is that the purpose of the linkification is to take people to the article - and sometimes we forget that. As for the See also section, that is a standard formatting protocol at the end of the article. Hugs, Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 13:54, 2 March 2009 (UTC)
The latest Mediawiki update imposed on Uncyclopedia by its despotic overlords, Wikia, has had a catastrophic effect. The new parser, described by UnSignpost technical expert Gerrycheevers as "little gnomes in your browser that run between HTML tags to produce the proper effect in between" has thrown the formatting of quite literally some Uncyclopedia pages completely out of kilter.
Resident tame Wikia staffer Sannse tried to explain: "bad HTML is the most likely cause of errors. But there are some other changes that might cause errors. For example, the way that some complex parser tags work has changed. The best thing to do is to look for HTML problems first (not forgetting that the errors are often in templates used on the page). Then, if you can't find it, hassle anyone you know who knows HTML and wikimarkup better than you (nah, not going to link some poor guy). Then, if you can't find it, hassle me to find help (Uberfuzzy is on standby to assist where needed). Again I'd suggest that the template author should be the person who knows how to make it work!"
Most Uncyclopedians had already gone cross-eyed by this point, but she gamely continued: "Don't forget that you can use Special:ParserDiffTest as a help in finding exactly what's different on a page. A lot of the changes don't mean anything. For example, on this page the only differences are to class and section titles. But this one shows problems with center and div tags (the last two green sections on the div)".
Your USP offers the following, less confusing advice: if you open any kind of tag in html like <this>, you have to close it again, like </this> before the end of your page. And if you open more then one tag, be sure to close them in the right order <like><this></this></like>. Then shit should not get fucked up.
Well, February is over, and that means it's time to look back at the shortest month of the year and make fun of people who won awards during that month, for they have only won 90.32% as much recognition as those who won the award during a robust 31-day month. Let's get started with...
DrStrange, our newest Writer of the Month, fresh off his NotM victory in December, is a welcome addition to our close, close family of editors who have never had any physical contact with each other. Since joining, the good doctor has written severalfeaturedarticles, and is well on his way to another. He has enjoyed perhaps the quickest transition ever from NotM to WotM, but don't expect us to go looking things up to confirm that.
February's Uncyclopedian of the Month was our lovable Wikia dictator, Sannse. Donning her staff hat and Wikia mystic power staff, Sannse always manages to be polite and cheery, even when sending vandal IPs to their doom, tacking notices to the corkboard in the Uncyc break room that incite site-wide user rebellion, and crushing the earlier mentioned site-wide user rebellions.
Our N00b of the Month was a chap by the name of Guildensternenstein, which we have come to believe is some sort of undead monster from a Shakespeare play. His impressivework in his short time here, along with his other helpful contributions such as dropping by Pee Review and Imperial Colonisation from time to time, should quiet up those doomsayers who say "we don't have any good n00bs anymore" for quite some time.
09:02, 5 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (thanks for your thoughtful and insightful additions, and your considerate removing of content, you win a free day off! (don't blank))
13:36, 3 March 2009 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a torah, two bagels and a large blue yamulke (Unblocked too early. I suspect a Jewish conspiracy!)
19:28, 2 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MTTB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (possibly one day people will start reading messages I leave for them on the talk page. YOU. DO. NOT. REVERT. ME. WITHOUT. TALKING. WITH. ME.)
06:44, 2 March 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (And I'm going to rape you if you don't shut up. *takes his first ever swig of Jack Daniels, throws up*)
Biopic of the Week
Optimuschris ~ "Having been around for a while now, Opty deserves some recognition," said the newest UnSignpost intern, pictured at the right. He went on in his monotonous, metallic voice: "He has a featured article and another in the works. He contributes to bettering the site via Pee Review and Imperial Colonization." We were going to agree with the robot-ish fellow, but when we turned back, he was gone. But there was a refrigerator there we hadn't noticed before...
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has been a smash hit among the rainy-day crowd since its introduction to America in 1954. Despite the title of the game, the object is to not take your finger out of the box before your opponent does. The article contains a rich history of the game, as well as a detailed strategy list involving cats, seduction, and urine-filled projectiles.
None. Seriously, it hasn't happened. Not banning Cajek is the new banning Cajek.
New poopsmith of the week
RabbiTechno has taken up his new position as co-processor of shit on the wiki alongside some scrote whose name escapes us briefly - perhaps because he hinted he wanted a story about himself in this edition. The good Rabbi has so far been diligently watching his sidekick do all the donkey work, while conducting the far harder task of making sure it has all been done properly. He exclusively didn't tell the Signpost: "yup, looks good enough to me".
yeah, in tanks of water, mammaries usually float. Uncanny, nes par? Anyway, thanks for that really cool Xmas card. I'm back, as long as this old PC keeps working. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 23:08, 9 March 2009 (UTC)
WE ARE DOOMED! Head for the hills, Uncyclopedia users, there's nothing that can save us now! As of this morning, we NO LONGER EXIST!!! Now, if you are reading this, you may be thinking to yourself, "why, that Gerry fellow is quite mad. Since I am reading the UnSignpost now, then both I and Uncyclopedia must still exist." To this i say to you: THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. Furthermore, it is also WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THEY THINK YOU THINK.
Reactions were mixed today at the wiki. Some theorized that uncyclopedia.wikia.com was, in fact, sinking. In response to this, the women (all 3 of them) and children were loaded onto lifeboats and fired out of the lifeboat-cannon, in hopes that they would land far away enough from the landlocked Uncyc as to find a body of water. Other preparations included the Cajek string quartet playing rousing versions of traditional ship-sinking music.
While it might seem rash for an official non-cabal-run periodical to endorse panic, the UnSignpost urges all Uncyclopedia users to abandon all reason and logic in an attempt to save themselves. The best course of action is most likely the one that involves the maximum amount of screaming, arm-flailing, and general insanity. The Uncyclopedia Store is likely to be looted quickly, so be sure to stop by early to maximize you chances at getting the best stuff.
Uncyclopedians have continued their brave foray into the dangerous world of numbers, today reaching the long-awaited benchmark of 3,239. The constitutes nearly 1/300th of the total goal, meaning we are 0.32% of the way there! Users were overjoyed, confused, and generally apathetic about the achievement.
Since its inception on February 20th, 2008, many different counters, or 'c-ters' as they refer to themselves, have contributed to the project. The content of the countup has varied greatly, from battleships to cartoon characters to road signs, and yet never deviating very far away from pornography. At any rate, it seems Uncyclopedia admin and Chair of the Committee to Investigate and Eliminate Needless Committees Spang's experiment to destroy the internet has not succeeded...yet.
The project has advanced at a rate of 8.39 numbers per day, a respectable clip considering the enormous effort involved in adding the next number in the sequence. At this brisk clip, the project will reach completion at 18:45 UT on June 24, 2334. Until that day, Uncyclopedians can only hope, dream, and continue in the increasingly difficult task of adding one to a moderately large number.
23:47, 9 March 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blanking 'please don't delete this page'--my favorite part about that idea was how original it was.)
04:39, 10 March 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked CS SHITTY (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (HOLY SHIT WHERE ARE YOU MONGOLOIDS COMING FROM?!?!?!?!?!!?!)
16:08, 10 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ("He who shall be an idiot shall be striked down with furious anger". Book of Mordillo, chapter one verse 3)
10:52, 11 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (we apologise for taking so long to ban you, but we get there in the end. also, I think you'll find it is you who loves the cock.)
Biopic of the Week
Guildensternenstein ~ With one of the hardest usernames to spell correctly (and not one that's hard but fun, like some users), Guildie has splashed upon the Uncyc scene with a gusto. Displaying a knack for writinghumor (the main prerequisite to be considered "ballin'" by fellow Uncyclopedians), he also takes part in the current trends of Pee Review and Imperial Colonization, making him popular and, thus, cooler than you.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
This is it. The big one. The greatest article in Uncyclopedia history...Bears. Yes, these foraging lunatics are masters of cryogenics, and will stop at nothing in their quests for honey, human flesh, and pic-a-nic baskets.
15:14, 6 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds (I am very troubled by the fact you were not banned in a while. Has the community given up on you???)
At a certain point this week, a relatively green uncyclopedian posed a rather ill-advised question on one of the Forums quaintly known to patrons of this silly wiki as the 'Village Dump'. A few seconds after the aforementioned certain point this week, resident cheek-tonguer Modusoperandi responded by intentionally misinterpreting the meaning of the question, twisting the querist's words, taking advantage of some sort of delicious pun, or otherwise causing mischief in the usually serious, informative Forum.
Reactions were, as usual, mixed in the community. Several anonymous users were outraged at the lack of tact and formality displayed by the wily Modus. "Uncyclopedia is serious business," said one pitchfork-wielding mob participant. "We would descend into total anarchy if it weren't for the court system, the press, the boron smelting plant, and the sanctity of our information distribution system." Other users seemed to support the flashing of rapier wit, claiming "if we can't laugh a little, then what's the point? Without humor, we'd end up in hell like all those poor souls who lived before Jesus invented comedy in 23 A.D."
Modusoperandi himself declined to comment on the situation, only offering this brief reply to a query seeking a comment: "She told me that she was eighteen. She also told me that she human and was not, in fact, a bonobo. If you have any other questions, please direct them to my law firm; Alan, Whitcomb, Silverstein & Bonobo." It seems the elusive Mr. Operandi is free to continue in his forum havoc-wreaking, as nobody has stepped up to officially denounce his actions. All bonobos involved were unavailable for comment.
This week the Uncyclopedia community was outraged to learn that the UnSignpost, which recently received a Wikia bailout, will be giving hefty bonuses to the very dunderheads responsible for driving the periodical into the ground in the first place. The extremely active Uncyclopedia Senate has vowed that action will be taken against the editors set to receive the lucrative bonuses. It may be possible that they will be blocked from editing or even exiled to another wiki.
Uncyclopedians were, for the most part, outraged. Popular user Mnbvcxz had an unrelated statement quote-mined by an UnSignpost journalist to produce the following comment:"I[...]is[...]finished," a possible indication that he will leave the site in protest of the bonuses. The founders of the newspaper refused comment, as they want nothing to do with it anymore, and true to that mission this reporter was chased off the the grounds of the Cajek mansion by bunnies wearing bee costumes. The current editors were hounded, with Under user having this to say: "I don't think there have been any "comically large" bonuses paid out. There have simply been adequate contractual remunerations allocated to key staff to reward their loyalty and unstinting efforts. Every penny of these almost insignificant amounts is richly deserved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to buy a large yacht and fill a swimming pool with cash to float it on."Gerrycheevers was absolutely unavailable at press time.
11:00, 15 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Slicktorine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Cyberbullying: We just don't care about you or your friends. Sorry. I suggest you ask him for a date. He's probably a really nice guy.)
11:10, 17 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Here is a sharp pointy thingy up your ass. My finger. Don't worry, I washed it)
11:39, 19 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9001 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (insubordination)
Biopic of the Week
Savethemooses is one of the legends of Uncyc lore. Once the king of the featured article hill, his recent inactivity has allowed him to slip to seventh, despite having twenty-fivefeatures, which is more than you ever will. In fact, the only way you will ever come close to experiencing the glory that was STM's being is to go nominate several of his articles on VFH right now. Like, right now.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Pixellated Face Disease is a rare condition in which a person's face, caught on camera, will become blurred, or 'pixellated'. There is no known cure for the disease, and there are several associated conditions, such as Blurred Registration Plateism and Black Strip syndrome, the latter only affecting the eye region.
In this week's uproariously funny UnSignpost issue, the second story misdirection-links the phrase "blocked from editing" to Cajek's userpage.
Retraction of the Week
The current editors of the UnSignpost have recently become aware of startling differences between the current Signposts and editions from early in the newspaper's history. We would therefore like to retract the following issues: #1, #3, #6-13, and #16.
I'm sending you this because you are signed up to judge the Poo Lit Surprise. If you no longer want to judge or are incapable of doing so, please tell me as soon as possible. If you're still good to go, here are the instructions:
First, read all of the articles in your specified category. Second, judge them. Judge how you like, as long as it's at least fair and based on merit (one suggestion would be to use the Pee Review format). Post your top 5 articles here. Hit me up on my talk page for questions, comments, if these rules are not cognisant within you, or of you don't know what the word "cognisant" means.
Thank you again for your valued participation in the balletic train wreck that is the Poo Lit Surprise!
I know I've just told you that on my talk page, but I'm one for completeness, so there. –—Hv(talk) 24/03 20:31
I practically quit the place since I saw 99% of the people cannot tell a coitus interruptus from a joke. Good luck with your stories, but I suggest you sharpen them up a bit and sell them somewhere - here you're just throwing pearls before swine, mostly.
Are you still smellling up the place? Haven't you heard of douche?
You know, thats about the nicest thing that anyone has said to me in these parts. And between you and I, I've kept my best stuff back for just that reason. I wish you would stay. My frustration is that there has been an influx of people who think everything has to either be the Gong Show to be funny, or they have fashioned themselves as administrative Hitlers by running around and snapping things into shape because all things must conform to their exacting standards. Anyway, after Poo Lit its time for my semi annual exhile - last year when I came back a lot of people were gone. Now I'm afraid that when i come back, everyone will be gone. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 20:44, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
I'm sad to hear you're leaving. :( But before you go, would you like to vote onNeurotic again? Just thought I'd canvas those who voted for last time. Again, sad to hear you're leaving though, you're awsome! ~Orian57~~Talk~10:27 25 March 2009
I'll still be flying in periodically to Police, just not contributing. My best material comes when fall and winter loom, and my SAD begins to brew. When they say there is great humor in pain, they are correct. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 23:50, 25 March 2009 (UTC)
SAD? is that an acronym or just emphasis on sad? :S anyways I shall be dropping a template by soon, because you voted for Neurotic getting featured last time. :D ~Orian57~~Talk~11:33 26 March 2009
Seasonal Affective Depression. Its a chemical imbalance in the brain triggered by decreasing amounts of sunlight. You know how some people get a bit melancholic in the fall - when the days grow shorter, but they find solace in the beauty of falling leaves, and a crispness in the air? Well for people with SAD (actually, its SADD - the second "D" stands for disorder) life becomes hopeless, angst ridden, etc. Some people get over it on their own, othrs use SRI's (Pharmaceuticals), visits to counselors and sometimes even full spectrum light boxes to treat the depression. Well, my mind brain reacts a bit differently - I fit into the 1% that use all of the above, and still have a hard time hanging on. Its crippling. If there is anything to gained from it (everything reminds of death for about four months a year) is that I can take that anxiety and create some really good work. My best stuff is usually created in fall, winter and early spring. After the veil lifts, around the first of March, I loose my creativity and my drive to create. Life becomes too full of, well, life, to dive into writing. So when I get to this point, rather than turn out weak content, I just shut it down until fall. Then when I start feeling suicidal, I start writing. Rather Sylvia Plath of me, don't you think? Don't worry though, we've (the family, my friends here, doctors) all know when the "milky grey veil" begins to descend and we take steps to mitigate it. Now that I understand it, its just a period on the calender when I hibernate, so to speak. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 18:35, 26 March 2009 (UTC)
"Administrative Hitlers running around" - hope that's not meant to be me! ;-) Anyway, I have no idea why I just noticed this, but wanted to say this place is never as good when there are no new PP articles to look forward to, and I look forward to the next time you send stuff our way. If you keep your best stuff back from us, then based on what you do give us, I really wish I could get a look at it some day! Anyway, pippings for now, have a great spring and summer and whatnot, guess we'll see you in the fall? --UU - natter10:36, Apr 13
Obviously by Neil I mean 'I' cos you know that people who refer to themselves in the third person like that actually tend to be kinda narcissistic and I'm not - well I mean I wouldn't say I was - so from now on I'll say 'I', I just had to say Neil so you knew that it was me and not somebody else. So I came here to say thanks for advertising my daily torment I hope that now more people will have a greater understanding of why I'm so dysfunctional. Thanks, did I say that?
For voting for teh first time it was nomminated, your support is still apreciated! ~Orian57~~Talk~12:52 26 March 2009
Popular admin, underwear enthusiast and raconteur MrN9000 has gone on a ban-rampage unprecedented in the recent history of the wiki. Seemingly keen to win his first bastard admin award, the conscientious custodian has already banned more people this month than all the other admins combined.
The other admins rallied bravely, with even Spang being seen to ban someone (only his third of the year) as they tried to show they were not now completely surplus to requirements. However, even as this story was typed, MrN banned another 3 vandals, rendering their efforts ultimately futile.
Speculation that he is trying to ban more people on an individual basis than Hinoa managed in one go when he banned the whole of Italy cannot be confirmed or denied at the time of going to press.
When asked about his phenomenal spree, MrN said "What do all these buttons with "Ban" written on them do? I keep pushing them, but nothing appears to happen". Banning legend Mordillo, when asked for a comment on MrN's ban excesses, said "I believe the man is a menace, and danger to society. I believe he should be castrated, quartered, hanged, torched and his ashes should be scattered over France. I believe he should burn in hell for all eternity. What? Do I feel pity about all those who he banned? Fuck no, I didn't have anyone to ban because of the bastard!"
In a totally unexpected development, Uncyclopedia has officially earned the worldwide recognition it has longed for since its inception. On the website digg.com, all internet content is sorted and ranked by coolness, similar to the process found in many middle schools. It seems Uncyc's page on spam has reached sufficient 'cool' status as to cause the rest of the site to become invited to the "cool kid's lunch table", along with theonion.com and cracked.com.
Reactions were unusually mixed today in the Uncyclopedia break room. When asked what it's like to suddenly be cool, Optimuschris said, "shit, I'll let you know when I find out." Another user, DrStrange, was asked for a comment, and promptly responded "comment duly delivered!" Clearly, popularity has already gone to Uncyclopedians' heads, as such chippy responses are rarely seen. Uncyclopedians have become too cool for school. When asked for comment regarding adding a sentence to the end of this article to extend its length and make this week's UnSignpost look pretty, Gerrycheevers said, "bugger off."
14:22, 26 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Cyberbullying: UN:FAIL another victim of the Gay trap. Yep, this means that you are probably homosexual. Seriously, one day you will realise this yourself.)
01:24, 24 March 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Q.V. (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (FINE!!!!! I'LL SUCK YOUR COCK!!!! GOD, I JUST LOVE THE SEMEN OF A RACIST!!!!!!)
23:28, 20 March 2009 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Barton sucks (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 days (Whilst Barton does indeed suck, you're barely literate and tragically unfunny. Read HTBFANJS and try again later.)
Snopes is a website dealing with the delicious diversion that is rumor. Whenever you overhear there is a computer virus set to attack, whenever you hear that your favorite horse is actually a zebra, whenever you are told your girlfriend is a lesbian...Snopes will be there to tell you the truth...mostly.
Old-School Cajek Ban of the Week
23:10, 5 April 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 67 seconds (That'll teach YOU to get a false sense of security!)
Due to high operational costs and "the community being a bunch of gits", the nefarious Uncyclopedia overlords at Wikia shut down the comedy wiki yesterday. This resulted in much confusion, outrage, and blundering about in the dark. When asked to comment about the situation, Orian57 said, "No, because you'll actually put what I say into the paper, and last time you made me look really stupid. Although it is a tad inconvenient. And what do you mean 'Cabal'?" It should be noted that Orian is both exceedingly intelligent and unbearably attractive, and there most certainly is not a cabal of any kind.
Other users seemed to have been expecting this for some time. Necropaxx had this to say: "Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long for Wikia to do this. We Uncyclopedians have been total jerks for far too long. I suggest we all go to Wikia and give Jimbo Wales a nice big "We're sorry" and hope he's feeling generous." This editor took this advice to mean that we should vandalize Wikipedia furiously, and redirected their page on Karma to Coincidence.
At press time, Uncyclopedia still did not exist, and many in the community expressed doubt that the Wikia Council would ever reinstate the site. With the recent drama over the domain change, and the promise of ads descending swiftly into every corner and crevasse of our wiki, we seem to be simply too much trouble to be bothered with. This reporter considers it to be good while it lasted, and offeres up a toast to the good old days of Uncyclopedia.
Image of Dog Holding Paper, not used in UnSignpost for over Nine Months, Makes Glorious Return to UnSignpost
This reporter is proud to say that, after being absent from the UnSignpost for over nine months, our lovable mascot "DogNewspaper" has returned to grace this periodical once again. DogNewspaper made his debut in the second issue of the UnSignpost, which covered such stories as 'UnSignpost created' and 'Uncyclopedia is the worst'. After bringing you the second story in issues 2 through 5, DogNewspaper was promoted to "top dog", and accompanied the lead story for four issues in June 2008.
DogNewspaper took an extended hiatus after Issue 9 to "see the world" and, more urgently, "sniff the world". After many exciting adventures, our mascot is back to stay, and will likely be used many more times in the coming months in what editor Gerrycheevers referred to as "blatant space-filler. DogNewspaper can take a story and squish it to the left side of the page, extending its length. Now get off my lawn!" DogNewspaper declined to comment, but did wag his tail enthusiastically before rolling over in an effort to have his belly scratched.
00:52, 27 March 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I can't write anything for this ban reason. The amount of true doucheiness cannot be described.)
09:23, 30 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gay admin (you like rahb. rahb = penis. therefore you like penis. therefore you = ghey. this logic is irrefutable. also, morning mordillo.)
12:57, 31 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Isaacjew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Wrong, he's not a Jew loser. I'm the Jew - and you lose)
05:05, 1 April 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Dawg (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6247 seconds (REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED VIA BANSTICK)
Biopic of the Week
Ljlego is another one of those 'lost legends' of Uncyclopedia. One of the ones who you don't really believe existed, but you're not so sure, because your Grandpa told you stories about him when you were little. And even after reading someofhisworks, you still don't believe. Maybe there's something wrong with you.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
HowTo:Kill two birds with one stone is a thrilling documentary describing the many ins and outs of avian massacre via large rocks. Many methods, tips, and tricks are mentioned in the cover-all guide. It is also noted that killing three birds with two stones is not any easier than killing two birds with one stone.
Old-School Cajek Ban of the Week
00:43, 26 October 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes (Posting in the forums. You know better than to get involved in the community. Now get back in your cage.)
Uncyclopedia administrators this week decried the lack of need for new recruits, as they are wholly confident in their ability to secretly control the wiki from behind a moth-eaten curtain. On the voting page, which this reporter will probably be banned for pointing out to the common folk, the current cabal members expressed their desire to see more normal non-admins, or 'normies', be involved with the recent changes page. However, the option for another member being inducted into the cabal was declined, as things like the ban patrol and the Cajek Alert System seem to be running just fine, thank you very much.
Cabalists were adamant about their opinions. RAHB had the following to say: "I cannot confirm the non-existence of the non-existent cabal, being that it does not exist, and I'm no Harry Potter-reading fantasy boy. I can however confirm the existence of puppies. THEY'RE ADORABLE!" The non-existence of the cabal was further emphasized by Mordillo who declined comment when approached as he was leaving the Secret Cabal Headquarters & Tiki Lounge.
Experts were skeptical of the existence of the cabal, but point out that nothing should be ruled out. "Woof," said UnSignpost political correspondent DogNewspaper (pictured), citing the low level of vandalism and general dickery since the recent opping of Under user and MrN9000, who have become known to Uncyclopedians as "The Redcoats".
Dr. Skullthumper, co-founder of the very newspaper you are reading right now, has unrolled his newest creation, the NetBar. UnSignpost editors were too busy and ridden with jealousy to investigate the nature of this new invention, but our technology correspondant DogNewspaper (pictured) was willing to speculate on the new gadget. "Bark bark," he proclaimed, elaborating that this new thing is most likely some sort of candy bar or online tavern.
This is not the first time the good doctor has abandoned the UnSignpost to work on other equally trivial projects. Fnoodle, disguised as a harmless spellcheck wiki-bot, is actually a perfect one-eight replica of Skull. This entity has nearly 20,000 edits, mostly vandalisms of pages in Thekillerfroggy's userspace. However, Fnoodle has sat abandoned in the doctor's sandbox since last October, since all of said doctor's time recently has been poured into his new project, the NetBar.
Uncyclopedians had mixed reactions today. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user had this to say: "What the fuck is a NetBar?" A gathering in the Uncyclopedia break room formed, with users misguidedly attempting to ward off squirrels with the NetBar. When reached for comment, Dr. Skullthumper said, "What's an UnSignpost?"
13:33, 4 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (we apologise for taking so long to ban you for this, but don't blank pages. thanks for waiting!)
19:28, 4 April 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Go play in the sandbox, little boy. Uncyclopedia is for grownups.)
22:34, 6 April 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 minute, 32 seconds (There's this guy sitting next to me and he's all "man, I'm pissed off at that MrN9000 guy" and I'm like "okay")
Biopic of the Week
Continuing in our series on Uncyclopedia legends, Cap'n Ben is one of those legends who is actually active. Since his first edit in March of 2005, the Cap'n has been makin' it happen in various ways: viaawesomewritings, breakingnewsstories, or intructionalguides. He is even up for Writer of the Month for a second time since his first WotM came back in a time when Uncyclopedia kind of sucked. But it doesn't anymore...thanks to Cap'n Ben.
Cajek Ban of the Week
20:16, 2 April 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 78942 seconds (Unsignpost is resorting to "Old School Cajek Ban" now. It's time to bring the real deal back.)
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Alternative Medicine is what the cool kids used to use in high school instead of going to the nurse like the other squares. Now that those kids are all grown up, they have continued this tradition of using such non-mainstream remedies such as Extreme Colonic Irrigation, Ass Candling, Homopathy, and Inacupuncture (pictured).
...some co-writing? I don't get it why people are so lazy on that, or have I been looking in the wrong direction? I have a few stubs stored in my bag, or we can start something fresh if you like. By the way, I already forgot Brothel got featured - the place isn't such a dump after all. How about we meet in the chatroom one of these days? --StyleGuide 09:56, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
Would love to co-create. I could, for the right material, come back from my self imposed spring summer exhile. However I must say that in the past I have been burned by someone who courted my talents, and after giving this person some great (and I do mean GREAT work) in two articles, it got thrown off into a sandbox page where it will never be used. So if I do this, my stuff goes in. If it gets tossed aside, I shall be very cross. So I'm in, but if the Muse courts me, the junk stays in the article. I don't chat (hot or otherwise) however you may email me through the Uncyclopedia system and we can play ball that way. Hugs, Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 15:59, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
Too bad you won't chat - it's the quickest way of tossing ideas about and sounding out the other one about them. I'm flexible about my writing, and for good co-operation am willing to throw my stuff aside even if it doesn't feel right at the moment (I hope). This seems to mean you gotta lead the expedition. OK - any ideas you would like to start with? I have a few stubs as I said - I'll get the links for you, just a sec. If none of those feels like your thing, we can work out something else. --StyleGuide 16:42, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
Yes, the haiku piece definitely needs a good additional idea to be funny - I just re-read it and OK, it was funny, live, at the IRC, but it needs a healthy looking body to fly. --StyleGuide 17:22, 13 April 2009 (UTC)
hi ms. pretty, you're signed up for colonization, but since you're on sabbatical, we'll be taking you off the active roster. you're welcome to return anytime, however. incidentally, would you mind if i made some edits to Mrs J? i feel like it's a real winner. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 14:26, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
Go ahead - just remember - its about feminine oder AND douching with Lysol. Thats the icky punchline because she really came from an ad that promoted brown lysol douches. And you also can't change the idea that it gives her a certain "aire" and prevents her from being invited back a second time. Beyond that, knock yer socks off. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 18:18, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
righto, i think the existing stuff is gold, i just would like to throw in some more content in hopes of getting it properly recognized. feel free to revert any or all of this proposed content. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:24, 23 April 2009 (UTC)
The 7th edition of the Poo Lit Surprise has come to a close! This installment of Uncyclopedia's bi-annual competition featured an interesting amount of tie scores given directly by individual judges as well as being present in the overall scores. Recent competitions have featured much more decisive scoring but this time around the points were more evenly distributed amongst the entries. As the winning and co-winning entries hit VFH, we're seeing levels of voting that haven't been seen in a while.
The first article nominated to VFH from the competition also came with a bold prediction by one numbskull, who questioned his existence if Karl Lagerfeld did not receive 20 For. votes. At 03:57, 11 April 2009 the 20th For vote was cast by Thekillerfroggy and it's safe to say that the author of this instant Uncyclopedia classic should be considered the overall champion with his three entries garnering him two first place articles and one second place finish. Unscrupulous Unsignpost reporters stalked found Modusoperandi while he was receiving longevity treatments in a Côte d'Azur country club and asked him the following softball question: "Who was your favorite character in the 70's hit sitcom Barney Miller?" to which he answered "While each member of the cast had appeal, as each represented part of America's "Melting Pot", I found the comparatively minor character of Inspector Frank Luger (far right), with his high state of partly-sober curmudgeonitude, to be especially charming."
One of our winners was not only a perfect 1/1 by winning the best rewrite category with Money but Sycamore also received the vaunted Writer of the Month trophy for March 2009!
Another plink user that fared well with plink his outright victory in the best plink mainspace article category was GlobalTourniquet, plink who wrote an article titled with a plink name that is difficult plink to recollect at the moment plonk. He also had two other entries that received 1st runner-up status, so it was a good showing for the artist formerly known as Thomas Pynchon's left Nut.
A user that happens to wander in and write us an offering on occasion claimed a share of first place in the alternative namespace category with the UnNews article Obama unveils education reform plans. Monika should drop in more often!
The ever-popular Uncyclopedia Worst100Reflections series proves it is as popular as ever! As this great year of Our Lord 2009 passes the midpoint of April, the latest iteration has just limped past 10 items, although one or two of them carry a subtle whiff of vanity. According to our resident math boffins here at Signpost Towers, we are exactly "a bit over a quarter of the way through the year, but not yet a third of the way", and so therefore should have precisely "a few more Worst Reflections than this so far".
There are several schools of thought as to why this situation has been allowed to arise. One gaining currency among quite literally possibly some Uncyclopedians is that everyone on the site is so busy producing quality material that they just don't have time to devote to such frivolities. However, the continued existence and rate of progress of Forum:Count to a million neatly quashes that theory. Another hypothesis advanced by as many as no or fewer people is that precisely nothing of any interest to anyone has happened, either on this wiki or on the interwebs in general this year. However, while this is significantly more likely than the first theory, the generally accepted explanation seems to be that, quite simply and predictably, Uncyclopedia is the worst.
03:28, 16 April 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Obama (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Stick to fixing the US's economy--Uncyclopedia editing is not your thing.)
20:34, 14 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (blanking spree? go find something more interesting to do, like sticking your head in an anthill)
20:02, 11 April 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I'm gradually blanking you. Jerk.)
06:25, 10 April 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked SquintyK (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (14 year olds shouldn't be having sex / whatever the hell it is you're doing.)
Biopic of the Week
Dexter111344 has the distinction of being the most well-known Uncyclopedian with the most numbers in his name (besides 5P4N6). As a newly coronated poopsmith, he helps take out the garbage on a regular basis. This is just one of many thankless tasks he carries out; he also occasionally volunteers as a paperboy and botanist, and is known for keeping douches in their place. If you see something awesome, and are wondering if Dexter did it, the answer is: "probably". And if he didn't...you know who did...
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Waiting for Godot is a questioning of the fundamental core of our existence, the foundation on which our moral and social codes are built; the uncertainty of Godot's identity, coupled with the stark, unembellished style of the whole play, poses some powerful questions about our own identities.
DogNewspaper, lovable mascot of the UnSignpost, appearing on the right, will not be appearing in this week's issue. This decision was based on various infractions by DogNewspaper, most notably the Easter presents that were left in an editor's shoe. Look for DogNewspaper to return next week with his monthly piece on mailman defense.
Uncyclopedia is currently halfway through its bi-annual (semi-annual?) rewriting extravaganza, lovingly referred to as Conservation Week. Every six months, members of this silly wiki partake in the practice of pruning, hacking, nurturing, feeding, and otherwise bothering the 'trees' of the site, which is the running metaphor for 'article'. From the greatest feature machine to the lowliest n00b, everyone can participate in Conservation Week by simply finding a sub-par article and making it better via trimming or adding content, or just plain magic.
However, our special investigator DogNewspaper (pictured) has discovered that this so-called Rewrite-a-Thon is not the all-encompassing entity it is meant to be. In fact, normal operations such as VFD, VFH, and the Cajek Ban Joke Factory have not ground to a halt as they clearly should during this special fortnight. Users were puzzled by this revelation; RabbiTechno admitted that he has "little idea what 99.9% of the whole site is all about," and he elaborated that without his constant vigilance, UnNews would surely deteriorate into a third-rate media parody, which this reporter can verify is true.
Known conservation standouts have also shockingly participated in non-rewrite-related activities during the designated tree-hugging week. Dexter111344, reigning Greasy Mechanic, blamed the inclement weather, nosy librarians, and the almighty Zeus. Or maybe he just rewrote Zeus, but the librarian part was true for sure.
UnSignpost Reporter Subtly Mentions Vigilance Week In Article; Chaos Ensues
In the April 23rd, 2009 edition of the UnSignpost, masked co-chief-editor Gerrycheevers covertly linked the word 'vigilance' to Uncyclopedia's Vigilance Week page, inciting riots and mass panic among Uncyclopedians site-wide. Vigilance Week, the mere mention of which often inspires multiple forums where users argue and complain in bold or even italic font, is a period where the rules of article deletion are relaxed, and the worst articles on Uncyclopedia are loaded into the basement of the British Houses of Parliament and blown up using comical amounts of gunpowder.
The last Vigilance Week reportedly occured in September/October 2007, resulting in the death of borderline humorous articles by the dozens. The horrific memories of that week have greatly affected some Uncyclopedians, who remain extremely charged about the issue to this day. For example, Modusoperandi recalled his experience when asked to comment on Vigilance Week, saying, "Certainly. What's "Vigilance Week"?" Other users were similarly shocked, as V-Week, as it has come to be known, was described as "unmemorable" by one user, and "get off my lawn" by another.
However, the passion that Vigilance Week stirs up is negligent when compared to the shitstorm that results upon the mention of that black sheep of Uncyclopedia holidays: Forest Fire Week. This period in the Fall of 2006, when Uncyc was still really an infant in wiki-years, saw over 3000 articles deleted, more than 15% the total website content at the time. In fact, this very article will probably merit at least one forum regarding FFW despite this periodical's poor circulation and low-quality electrons.
At press time, the subtle link to Vigilance Week had caused a medium-sized riot, with hordes of angry users tipping over cars in the Uncyclopedia Parking Structure and setting the animals in the Uncyclopedia Zoo loose. The Cabal is poised to get involved by seizing all mediaoutlets and gener- ATTENTION COMMONERS. ALL IS WELL. THERE WILL BE NO OCCURENCES OF ANY DELETION WEEKS OF ANY KIND. FURTHERMORE, COMEDIC ALLOWANCES WILL HEREBY BE INCREASED FROM 80 GRAMS TO 65 GRAMS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT THE DOING OF THE CABAL, AS THERE IS NO CABAL. GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
13:26, 21 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (If you're that bored go and find a solution for the world hunger. Trust me, you'll be much more popular)
Biopic of the Week
In another installment of Uncylopedia Legends, Procopius is a user you might never have heard of due to his recent inactivity. Without so much as a fancy sig or a new-fangled typewriter, he cranked out featureafterfeature. His contributions to the medium of misinformation were also wellreceived. Procopius was merely a hard-working blue collar Uncyclopedian, and is hereby recognized by this periodical as awesome.
08:52, 22 April 2009 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 643 seconds (Oh look, a blatant attempt to get a mention in the UnSignpost)
08:57, 22 April 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 seconds (Wups. Sorry. I thought you were Cajek.)
09:06, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Sannse (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 123 years (Damn our evil wikian masters trying to overtake our newspaper. Revolt! REVOLT I SAY!)
09:07, 22 April 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 13 seconds (thought you were Spartacus)
09:10, 22 April 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 14 seconds (No no, I'm Spartacus)
Underdog of the Week
Rogue ball of tumbleweed recently exploded onto the Uncyclopedia scene, earning a few fractions of votes for N00b of the Month. Despite mild support, it seems fellow n00b YKWTMM is set to take the coveted badge home this month, with an unprecedented 'several' votes. Nevertheless, the UnSignpost would like to recognize Tumbleweed for his resilience and moxie.
Since next week marks the incredible one-year anniversary of the storied UnSignpost, the editors are focusing all of their efforts on that issue and thus leaving this issue out in the cold. Rest assured that next week's 46th issue, marking the 46 weeks in the year on the Uncyclopedia calendar, will be "a bumper special issue" according to co-chief-editor Under user.
The promise of a special bonus issue brings to mind several of the UnSignpost's more notable issues, such as the All-Kitten Issue and the Seventeenth Issue Spectacular. Reactions to the milestone were mixed in the community. "I feel the signpost has in many ways brought a little too much cabal propaganda to the site for my liking," said noted good-looking tree Sycamore. Were there a cabal, cabal authorities would currently be on the way to Sycamore's house to arrest him. Lucky for him there is no cabal.
By the way, if you really thought this was the first anniversary issue, you suck.
I've got to say it again, I loved the Spector/Specter article. If it doesn't get featured, my wife and I will both commit suicide on camera. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 23:08, 5 May 2009 (UTC)
Zim, I sincerely appreciate the thought, but televised suicide is a bit extreme. I would venture to say that someone in particular is not voting for it because its better than anything he could produce on his own, and he's jealous. Look, we both know its great writing. But part of good UnNews writing is timeliness. And the process for VFH - unless it has overwhelming support - takes so long that the article misses its punch. My idea is that we launch VFUN and come up with a news story that gets a highlight on the Unnews page. Like VFP it wouldn't be awared only when something of merit is submitted. What say you? Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 00:31, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
editThe Uncyclopedia UnSignpost is proud to present its 1st Anniversary Special
Can you believe it? We can't - particularly as we're only on issue number 46 - and yet it's true, the greatest piece of talkpage spam in the history of this shabby little wiki (and the most modest too) celebrates its first anniversary! Birthed in a blaze of optimism and creativity by fiendish evil genius Dr. Skullthumper and mythical user-in-exile Cajek at the start of May 2008, the UnSignpost was intended to shine a light into the dark corners of the wiki, keeping users up-to-date with anything worth keeping up-to-date with. In this special article, we examine what went wrong, where that glorious vision got corrupted, and how it has ended up in its current state.
The early issues were churned out at a great rate by the founding editors, and Cajek was so enthused by the project that he suggested to Skullthumper that they should move to a twice-weekly release - fortunately, this suggestion was shot down in flames by the doc, or the paper may never have celebrated a second month, let alone a full year! Skullthumper was first to leave the Signpost behind for pastures new, perhaps feeling his work was already done. Looking back nostalgically now at those heady early days, Skullexclusively observed: "Well! Working on the UnSignpost in the beginning was a really fun experience, not gonna lie. Cajek and I were both super excited about it. I'm glad it existed through to today, entirely by the help of other people. The setup was seriously the most fun part. We had NO clue what we were doing, we were experimenting with formatting, content, and a bot that only worked half the time. To summarize: It kicked ass. I had no idea it was about a year ago that it started."
With only Cajek powering it, the Signpost forged onwards, but was beginning to run into troubled waters - even Cajek's legendary enthusiasm was beginning to founder, and when he began to struggle for time, he asked DJ Irreverent to take the helm. We asked Cajek for a nostalgic comment about the Signpost, but he was unavailable, so instead here's a random line from one of his articles: "Also, don't be surprised if you go to jail for what society deems "gross", "horrible", and "Satanic": it's all part of being an ant keeper... and an ant "watcher"". The DJ managed to steady the ship (how long can we sustain this metaphor?), but struggled to handle the torch he'd been passed by his adopter (looks like we didn't sustain it very long - never mind!). Asked to comment on this turbulent period, the DJexclusively remarked: "I dropped said torch like a ton of bricks as a good child should always do. I could not take on the family business, I needed to dance. Anyway, I wrote about 2 articles".
So the pattern of users taking over the paper, only to burn out and abandon it again was becoming well established. Next in the editor's chair was UU, who lasted about 6 issues, before becoming so overwhelmed by the pressures of the paper that he went and got married in order to have a good excuse to get away from it for a few weeks. Recalling those halcyon days, UU told us exclusively: "I love the Signpost, and have had a great time working on it. It does get in the way of writing real articles though, as some users might testify, and it can be a pain to come up with stories each week - hopefully this issue might spark a few people to put some more ideas in the press room".
Fortunately, UU had taken the foresighted step of questioning the staying power of one Gerrycheevers in a previous issue's "comeback of the week" box, and Gerry was so determined to prove he had what it took, that he took over the paper while UU swanned off around the world. Cheevers's time at the helm brought such classic issues as the all-kitten issue, and his exclusive dewy-eyed remembrances run thusly: "I'm proud for having successfully stolen this periodical from Cajek and Skull, and I look forward to many more years of turning forums into news stories, dredging up old features that nobody cares about, and of course making tedious Cajek ban jokes. I also demand a raise and Cajek's office!"
Unfortunately, Cheevers's staying power lived up to UU's expectations, and Gerry took another small break. UU returned to the paper, and frantically enlisted contributions from the likes of Orian57 and Heerenveen to keep the wheels of news turning smoothly. Asked for comment on his input, Orianexclusively told us: "It's a been a great help in bonding together this community. And it's made things more interesting, what with everyone trying to do news worthy things just to get their names in the paper. Or something, I can't manufacture funny under pressure and this is pressure because you're gonna put this in the paper just to humiliate me now, aren't you?". Hv, meanwhile, exclusively commented: "It's amazing that our wonderful newspaper has lasted for so long, especially when you figure the us editors have had nothing to work with but "OMGZ THIS WIKI IZ D00MED" stories since about Issue IV. It's a great tribute to the us editors' ability to make Cajek-filled fluff pieces up on the fly. Maybe they we should try for the Daily Mail?".
Gerrycheevers has been fully back on board since early this year, UU is still hanging around in between banning people and huffing stuff, and with other contributors still pitching in, plus a plentiful supply of Cajek bans to use as padding (see next story), it looks like the immediate future of the paper is in goodcompetenthuman some kind of hands. Want to join the list of over 25 people who have contributed to the paper since its inception? Or want to join the ranks of hand-deliverers and paperbots that have been burned out along the way, and now line the wiki as lifeless husks? Give us a shout in the press room, and become part of the Uncyc furniture!
Wish we'd gotten a quote from Cajek though. Bastard.
During the very same week that Uncyclopedia's most well-known journalism source (suck it, UnNews!) celebrates its first birthday with much cake and punch, one of its co-founders achieved his own personal milestone by being banned for the one hundredth time. Rumors of making Cajek an admin when he reached the milestone have thus far not proven to be true, although he may have magically gained sysop powers upon entering triple-digit territory and we just won't know it until he comes back from wherever he's hiding in a hailstorm of admin-related activity (whatever it is that they do).
The milestone was reached largely thanks to users such as Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who took to the streets in a grassroots effort to raise awareness, and Gerrycheevers, who went directly to certain sysops with demonstrably active bansticks pleading for a "Cajek-whooping." The landmark 100th ban was achieved yesterday, with the good Dr. Skullthumper blocking Cajek with an expiry time of "a milestone". The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Cajek, and also plead for his return.
Cajek was unavailable for comment, and this reporter was once again chased off of the grounds of the Cajek Mansion, this time by the abstract philosophical concept of existentialism.
The cabal is most displeased with this apparent so called "newspaper" or "voice of the people". What news could there be other than "maintain the peace and obey the cabal, should it exist"? What voice should the people have other than "Yes sir", "No sir" and "Of course, I'll send my sister post haste to your bedroom, Sir"? This useless rag might let people think that the Uncyclopedians have a modicum of freedom. We the cabal, do not exist. But if we did, we'd be most unpleased and just about prepared to clamp down on this operation. Obey the cabal, the cabal is your imaginary friend.
09:23, 30 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gay admin (you like rahb. rahb = penis. therefore you like penis. therefore you = ghey. this logic is irrefutable. also, morning mordillo.)
11:00, 15 March 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Slicktorine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Cyberbullying: We just don't care about you or your friends. Sorry. I suggest you ask him for a date. He's probably a really nice guy.)
02:46, 8 February 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fer the love of Christ, you make me think I actually have a life. You've been doing the same God damn thing since the summer. Just fuck off already.)
08:25, 13 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Tardman (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (I love being a cunt, it makes my hair glow)
Codeine (Talk | contribs) huffed "Wild sweaty orgies" (If anyone's gonna write an article about these it'll be me. I've done the research.)
02:14, 10 December 2008 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Hi. Welcome to Uncyc. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay here. We did too.)
04:57, 23 October 2008 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: & Not The Good Sexual Kind of Harassment Either)
04:20, 22 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You, sir, have gone above and beyond the call of failure. Now that may sound like a compliment, but read it again, paying special attention to that last word. Yeah.)
7:41, 20 September 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Just got back. Haven't banned Cajek in a month. Gotta get my fix. CLICK. Aaaaaah yeeeeeahhh. That's gooood shit.)
19:36, 21 September 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Reggie4 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days (You have 2 cows. Both of them are banned.)
21:17, 23 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Try to suck less. You're sucking too much. I didn't say "stop"! Take your time. Yeah, that's the stuff. Now gently squeeze my balls.)
23:56, 20 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Swampgas (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (congratulations, now you can add us to your list of sites you got banned from for being a bellend)
07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.)
1 year old this week, the UnSignpost is the wiki-based newspaper vain enough to give itself a biopic! It has yet to write any featured articles, and hasn't even created a single featured image, but it's appeared on almost as many talk pages as a Modus one-liner, and is certainly the longest-lived newspaper on this wiki. Vive l'UnSignpost!
Thankies of the Week
The staff of the UnSignpost would like to thank all our readers for pretending to care long enough for us to reach this milestone. We couldn't have done it without you. (Well, we could, but there wouldn't have been much point).
Retraction of the Week
In last week's edition of the UnSignpost, the current swine flu pandemic was hailed as a blessing, and our editors expressed hope that the world population would be reduced, making references to particular groups of people as 'expendable'. We would like to express our deepest apologies for referring to this epidemic as 'swine flu', and we will henceforth refer to it by the disease's proper name: H1N1 influenza. We are truly sorry to any pigs or other members of the swine family who may have taken offense.
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Water Polo... With Sharks! is possibly the most difficult, dangerous, and exciting sport known to man. With only slight rules variations from normal water polo, such as the amount of hands you can have on the ball and there being sharks in the water, Water Polo... With Sharks! is the world's second fastest-growing sport, behind Texas Hold 'Em... With Rabid Wolverines!
Pathetic Plea of the Week
What has happened to all of the robots? The UnSignpost has gone through a seeminglyendlesssupplyofrobots, and severalunsuspectingandapparentlybored users have also hand-delivered the paper when no automated bots were available. Lately, Sock and Dexter have joined forces to ensure prompt Signpost delivery, but surely the task of pasting the paper onto thousandshundreds dozens of talk pages will result in arm fatigue and dog attacks. Therefore, a plea: everyone create more robots!
Old School 'Of the Week' Box of the Week
This Week in Uncyclopedia, featured in issues 3 through three, took a look back at some of the greatest highs and crushing lows in the history of this silly wiki. Look for this box to make a triumphant return to the UnSignpost, along with other old favorites such as UU's Obscure British Dialect Expression of the Week and Reason For Leaving Uncyclopedia of the Week.
It's the big one folks, the interview they all wanted, but we got: shy, retiring Wikimedia mogul Jimbo Wales has spoken exclusively to your UnSignpost. Wales (pictured right in happier times) took time out from his busy schedule of inserting further Liberal bias into Wikipedia to share with us his thoughts on the credit crunch, the Obama administration, the Pope's visit to the Middle East, and the future of Uncyclopedia, and the insight is literally devastating in its incisiveness.
When pressed on these vital issues, Jimbo confided to us: "You kids get offa my pipe! Now, where's my lawn?" These are words that every user will interpret in their own special way - Jimbo, like all great orators, has the ability to make profoundpronouncements that each and every listener will put their own unique spin on, so that it seems he is talking to them alone. Whatever pearl of wisdom you find in this oracular utterance, we are sure it is exactly what you were intended to find.
UnSignpost co-editor, Imperial Colonization lynchpin and all-round star user Gerrycheevers has made Uncyclopedian history by becoming the first user ever to win all of the major monthly awards on the wiki: WotM, UotM, NotM, FPotM, and PotM. Plus RotM, although that's not really considered "major". This astonishing fact was pointed out by RAHB, proving quite conclusively that he must have no life whatsoever. When asked for comment, Gerry exclusively told us: "Well, I don't know what to say, really. I suppose my well-roundedness speaks volumes about my excessive amount of free time. My next objective will be to obtain a microphone and continue my quixotic quest to collect all of the awards".
Loveable Uncyc pyromaniac The Woodburninator, long known for his views on how "rules" and "funny" should relate to each other, has, in an alcohol-induced "moment of clarity", composed an essay on the subject. He encourages you to read it, and exclusively told us he questions the sexuality of everyone who doesn't. As a completely neutral wiki newspaper, the UnSignpost of course neither endorses nor doesn't endorse any of the views contained within the essay. It just agrees with some of them.
Is it a Usergroup if there are no Users Grouped in it?
It has been about a year and a half since Uncyclopedia's once shining usergroup network stopped operating and became extinct. As ever in such circumstances, conspiracy theories have quickly sprung up to explain how this could have happened. Some say that when Chronarion left Uncyclopedia to focus on another project, he left it to the Wikia staff to do all the patrolling, which caused Uncyclopedia's domain name to be changed in October 2008, and the user groups were left to rot with no activity, like the Hittites did when they destroyed their own city and left. Others say that UNSOC killed off every other usergroup, from the Grue Army to UNATO, and had a monopoly on the usergroups. Whether the theories are true or not, the usergroups appear to have all but died.
In January 2009, archaeologists from the Philippines dug through the ruins of the usergroups and found compelling evidence that there is still a small amount of activity in the UNSOC group, whose interim leader Necropaxx was heard to observe "UNSOC has about 3 or so active users right now; we just keep that gigantic list to inflate our numbers".
The non-existent Cabal have not made any comment about this being a dastardly plan of theirs to ensure the "golden Age" of Uncyclopedia 2005-2007 remains sacrosanct. Because they don't exist, obviously.
18:42, 27 April 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked I AM GOD (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Zeus called. He wants his title back. Something about missing having an excuse for incest.)
21:58, 13 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (seek the definition of life in the dictionary. Hint: it does not include so called venegance against humor wikis. Also, seek the definition of vengance. Creating wiki pages does not constitue as such.)
12:49, 14 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (don't blank pages, it's proof you have even less of a life than we do.)
Biopic of the Week
Colin "All your base" Heaney may possibly have the most annoying username to have to copy and paste into a Signpost biopic in all of Uncyclopedia. A mainstay in such helpful roles as VFD, Colin's accomplishments include contributions to the famed Al Gore colonization, having explosions in his sig that look rather cool when he signs a bunch of times in a row, and setting the record for most electrons used in a userpage and corresponding talk page. Go Colin!
Cajek Sighting of the Week
Co-founder of the UnSignpost Cajek was sighted this week in an alley behind his userpage, taking out the trash. He also updated his ban counter to a robust 117 and added electricity and magic to the iron fences surrounding the Cajek Mansion. Look for an exclusive fake interview with Cajek in next week's UnSignpost!
Desperate Attention Seeker of the Week
00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (The)
00:55, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (UnSignpost)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Had)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Better)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Run)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (This)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Series)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (of)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Bans)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Next)
00:56, 8 May 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Week)
Something known as a "Cajek" apparently made some sort of return recently. According to eyewitnesses, he updated his ban counter, wrote a few articles, got some of his old articles deleted, did some nominating and voting stuff at VFH, and made several comments on user talk pages. This, seemingly, is about what he used to do, although few of our readers are old enough to remember his previous contributions to Uncyclopedia. Cajekexclusively told us the following: "Gotta go bye see ya".
People disappearing, people reappearing, people with little time on their hands, bots unavailable
What happened to users like MrN9000, Dexter111344, GlobalTourniquet and DrStrange? Were they run over by a train? Did they suffer from a heart attack? Are they running from the law? Or are we just getting too worked up after a couple of weeks' absence? Whatever be the case, we here at the UnSignpost hope they are all right and will be returning to us in the near future. More recently, it has come to our notice that Gerrycheevers, Sonje and RabbiTechno have been missing for at least a couple of days. Perhaps there is a serial killer stalking and brutally murdering bright Uncyc talents? (Are we getting good at this whole "wild press speculation and fear-mongering" thing yet or what?)
In the mean time, fortunately, several other users have made glorious returns to Uncyclopedia. As documented elsewhere, a Cajek is apparently back and doing stuff. MNM5150 has been doing some things around places, mostly the forums. Readmesoon has been spotted at VFH and a few talkpages. Yettie has been sporadically active. And Todd Lyons has been doing more stuff recently than he was doing less recently.
A lot of users seem to be unable to contribute as their work/school requires them to spend their time on "useful" things. The more young adult users/little kids seem to be struggling with certain "finals", like Mahm00shA for instance. SysRq appears to be working on his graduation. Statistics show that Hyperbole's activity has been rather low, but recently increased dramatically. For how long this trend will continue is uncertain.
UU has been here intermittently, but keeps proclaiming himself to be "busy". He commented "I don't have time. In fact, I may not even have time for banning and deleting today, things are going fucking nuts! [...] I have teetering mounds of work, and nowhere near enough time! Arrrrrgh! (I almost feel a second exclamation mark coming on, but nothing's that bad...)" He then proved himself to be a big fat liar by editing this story and various other bits of the UnSignpost.
Additionally, while Wikipedia is being overrun by bots, they seem to have gone completely extinct on Uncyclopedia. This has led to our beloved Socky becoming partly mechanized in order to fill the role of paperbot. However, he is currently planning to get his bot operational so he won't have to tire his arse off every week.
There has been somewhat of a controversy as of lately about the existence of supposedpornographicimages on Uncyclopedia. Some support the view "Only if it's funny.", while others say "Meh." The controversy led Orian57 to put all his gay porn on QVFD. Optimuschris was quoted saying "I don't know what the fuss is all about, there's no porn on Uncyclopedia!" The discussion seems to have concluded in something like "If it's really bothering you and isn't funny in any way, delete it!"
Mnbvcxz might also want to add that pictures showing prominent nudity could give rise to some legal issues, though he wasn't actually available for comment, so we can't really be sure.
War is raging in usergroup land. IC, suffering major losses, has been grinded to a halt and was forced into defensive strategy, regressing to trench warfare. But UNSOC, with masses of new recruits, has declared an all out war against any potential competition.
Meanwhile, a new powerful group has arisen, Der Unwehr, and they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. The Goa Tse Clan has gone into hiding and remains a mystery to most Uncyclopedians.
Since this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make it to the press, it was inevitable that there would be foretellings of "The End" and it being "near". On Forum:Count to a million, Orian57 was found stating "we could all die [...] then how stupid would we look?" A lot of users made somewhat eccentric speculations on how several issues were related to this "impending doom".
As we all know, the impending doom to all good things is caused by porn. This vile practice of drawing pictures of naked women has spread so wide among our young men that it is almost impossible to get them to do anything else.
I was in a usergroup, watching porn. Suddenly I understood watching porn in a usergroup would do nothing against the impending doom. I got rather stuck, and forgot the reason. Later, I forgot about the impending doom as well. That's what watching porn in a usergroup will do to you. Suddenly I understood: if you are the first person in a usergroup, nobody can make you watch porn.
if you are in a usergroup and someone tries to make you watch some porn, avert your eyes!
if you see porn, remember that the doom is impending.
The perfect solution to problems with porn, usergroups, and the impending doom
Form your own usergroup and make others watch porn!
21:34, 14 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Nevada" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 21:34, 14 May 2010 (UTC)) (Why is the fucking nigger vandal back? I figured he would have killed himself by now, the little waste of sperm......)
05:49, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fucking one trick pony. And stop accusing all of us of being black, you worthless little prick. You do realise how gay that makes you sound when you tell us to suck your dick, right?)
18:09, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Joseph Stalin" [edit=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) [move=autoconfirmed] (indefinite) (Yeah, Bill Cosby pounded me up my gay nigger ass last night. It was HOTT.)
20:27, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Please end your life right now. Go take one od your father's guns, load it, put it in your mouth, and pull the trigger.)
20:30, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.)
20:32, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.)
20:33, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.)
20:37, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNNEWS SUCKS!" (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.)
20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.)
20:42, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!)
20:43, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....)
20:50, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Yes it does. You're a real rebel aren't you? I bet you've murdered many blacks before and beaten up various others. I am TERRIFIED of you.)
20:51, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Kentuckistan" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (You're talking about how we're nigger faggots like it's a bad thing. Well, if you keep talking about putting your dick in my mouth, that clearly makes you gay. Don't try to tell me you like women. You haven't said anything to prove this.)
22:19, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Ohio" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (Oh, so it's a domination thing, right? You can't possibly be gay since you're making me suck your cock, but I'm the one enjoying it since I'm a gay nigger, which is the type of person you hate. Right, okay, but do you like women? Y'know, with the vaginer?)
15:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked ZooZoo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Your mother is a nigger. You are what you hate.)
17:43, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (TYLER LIONS!!! YOU KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER!!!!! AND MORDILLO IS A JEW, MY NIGGER!!!!!!!)
17:50, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Maryland" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 17:50, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) (Tyler Lions? Never heard a more niggerish name then that! Let's lynch 'em!!!!!!)
20:27, 17 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Louisiana" [edit=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=autoconfirmed] (expires 20:27, 17 May 2010 (UTC)) (Well, you're finally listening to me! But Hitler's been long dead! How the fuck is he going to take out Mordildo? Don't talk for my nigguh hitler, man.)
15:42, 18 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Work" [edit=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) [move=sysop] (expires 15:42, 18 May 2010 (UTC)) (Yo nigga, imma gonna break free from deese chains and fill yo cracka ass up wit mah dick, honkey bitch)
Biopic of the Week
MOTERFUCKING NIGGER BITCH LOVER is the token black admin. Known for his rampant homosexuality and love of sucking the cocks of racist vandals, he's forever spoiling the fun of innocent, hardworking vandals by deleting their masterpieces about their friends, and then adds insult to injury by banning them with excitable and lengthy comments. Bastard. He'll probably get lynched by the KKK before too long.
Thanks for voting for my article, Dear Diary. And do rest assured that I am not a violent or vindictive person, and that voting no would have in no way resulted in me abusing my administrative powers to crush you like a grape. ~ Todd Lyons
And it's great to see that you're still here. How's things? :) --T. (talk) 11:52, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
Just marginally lurking about these days. Waiting for the Muse to court my mind again. But you're about about, I think that Muse may be more cooperative. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 21:38, 30 May 2009 (UTC)
I hope so. But I can understand needing a break from the place. :) --T. (talk) 16:10, 2 June 2009 (UTC)
Under conditions of greatsecrecy, a select group of talented volunteers has been slaving away at the wiki-coalface, dedicating themselves to the selfless task of bringing Uncyclopedia a dedicated selection of portal pages. And now their tireless efforts are starting to bear fruit, with the first few being linked on the Main Page by noted twirly star of David, Mordillo. He proudly flagged them up as "new!", until Bradaphraser, more accurately understanding the IQ of the average Uncyclopedian, flagged then as "newd!" instead.
What, some of you may ask, are portal pages? Well, rather than have us explain it laboriously for you (because that sounds like, you know, effort), why not take a look at the following highly sexy portals: Politics; Games; Science; History and Art. And with more to come including the intriguing concept of a Quaint portal from Cajek, one thing's for sure: there has recently been an increase in the number of portals on Uncyclopedia. What?
Nile and Nile related articles invade Uncyclopedia!
We also asked the wealthy Egyptian and Babylonian antique collector Mr. Great Lung Sphincter of Nebuchadnezzar the 1st to comment and he exclusively replied: "Nile doesn't have any power. Now the Tigris-Euphrates, that's a different story". Not only does this tell us that the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists are cooler than Nile conspiracists, but that Nile could not invade Uncyclopedia even if they wanted to, and you should be afraid of the Tigris-Euphrates conspiracy theorists - very afraid.
To sum it up, there is no Nile and Nile related articles invasion of Uncyclopedia, just as there is no cabal.
19:47, 25 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Yep, you're really trying, I see. Great, keep the laughs coming, Mr. Funny Man.)
09:37, 25 May 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You meant "make love to me, she dog")
20:43, 24 May 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Vandalizing articles, smearing dog shit all over Todd Lyons's car, etc.)
10:48, 23 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (don't blank, I'm running out of insulting ban reasons.)
Biopic of the Week
Todd Lyons has been on Uncyclopedia forever. No, seriously, he started editing in 2005 - and he's still here! He cut his article writing teeth on Dwight Schultz, and went on to write a further 98 of the buggers, while nailing his first feature with Fecal E.Coli, which started a run of 18.5 front page appearances up to the recent Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters. He's been an admin longer than most of our readership have been users. Put together. And he still has all his own teeth, he tells us!
Blatant Filler of the Week
This box here, which is blatant padding so the formatting of this issue looks about right.
Uncyclopedia's long-cherished status as the worst was given a massive fillip this week with the discovery that genial admin Todd Lyons has his own Facebookhate group. This considerable accomplishment has to be considered among the highest praise ever bestowed on an admin of this wiki. Kosher kvetcher Mordillo even opined that it makes him the #1 admin on the wiki, as "even Mhaille doesn't have a hate group!"
Lyons himself was deeply touched by the tribute, exclusively telling the USP: "I'm a bit surprised (though not touched, like the WotM nomination this month), because I generally shy away from the snappy/nasty ban summaries that would guarantee me a spot in the UnSignpost. Really, RDB is my #1 pick for this, and richly deserves to have a hate group on Facebook (if not several dozen by now). :) Second, if I had any insecurities that I'd lost my touch with the ban hammer after being on hiatus, they're gone. The arm's feeling great. The surgery seems to have been a 100% success. I'm feeling good that I'll be able to finish out the season and hopefully garner some interest as a bureaucrat when I become a free agent this fall."
The group's creator was unavailable for comment, probably due to being banned.
As you may or may not have noticed, there recently seems to be a flurry of returns and hiatuses (hiati?) on this silly wiki that some of us like to call Uncyclopedia. This could be due to a number of things: the end of the school year and thus the end of studying and finals; the summer season causing new and strange emotions in internet comedy writers; the revolving door recently installed at the Uncyclopedia headquarters. Regardless of the reason, those returning have been 'welcomed', and those leaving have been warned that their userpages will be mercilesslyvandalized should their vacation extend overly long.
Popular aquatic creature user Finnius claims to have returned. His contributions since returning have thus far been limited to announcing his return in the forum (as required by Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435), but the Unsignpost is confident of a return laced with quality pee and other, less pungent useful contributions.
The elusive Cajek, a mythical creature once thought to exist only in the surreal dreams of squirrels, has returned gloriously upon the back of a giant squirrel. So at least some part of the myth was true. Take that, science! Other returns include Dexter111344 after a brief hiatus and Gouncyclopedia!, who evaded a years-long block to announce his return in the forums (UB435 again). Perhaps the most noted of all, faithful new dog Dognewspaper returns from a one-month hiatus to appear in this story.
Other users have seen a decline or all-out drop-off in their contribution level. SysRq remains on an indefinite hiatus. Gerrycheevers has seen his number of edits dwindle as of late. MrN9000 is still among the missing. Codeine is apparently gone as well, and Necropaxxwill be losing his precious internet. We bid these users to hurry back, lest their userpages and works be smited with the hammer of pointless vandalism.
01:08, 3 June 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (So far you've edited the pages 'your mom' and 'school'. Want me to try and guess your age?)
07:46, 2 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (bored fuckes should go fuck boards. It's too early in the morning and I can't think of anything smart to say)
20:04, 30 May 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Cyberbullying: we don't want to hear about people you know and why you want to suck their dick. I know that's not quite what you said, but something about what you said implied it)
20:38, 29 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Da Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (PLEASE MASSUH WHIP ME, OH MAH GOD, I'M GETTIN' SO HOT, I'LL SUCK YO DICK!!!!!!)
Biopic of the Week
The very Reverend Zim ulator is the undisputed, acknowledged, and slightly puce master of UnNews. As such, reporting about him in a newspaper may be an act of such metaphysical self-referentialism that it creates a negative feedback loop, destroying the universe, or at least this wiki. But, in the name of bringing Zim's name to our readership, that's a risk we're willing to take. We'd normally link to a bunch of stuff he's done at this point, but just take a look at UnNews - as we mentioned, he's basically the guy who keeps it all tickin'. Rats off to ya, Zim!
Old School Featured Article of the Week
In a week when Obama is trying to reach out to the Muslim community, perhaps it is an apt time to consider how far he is going to have to reach. Will he ever be able to bridge the gap all the way to the readership of American Fundie Magazine? "The magazine for "True Christians™", was formed to cater to the needs of the modern biblical fundamentalist", and is just as relevant today as it was way back in 2006.
In a move that shocked the Uncyclopedia community, female user Kamikazewatermelon09 this week posted a topic in the lovable Pancake House of Benson. The shocking part of the incident was that an actual girl visited Uncyclopedia. Hooray! Our numerous virgin users can now cross off 'make contact with a woman (without giving a credit card number) over the internet, phone, or via smoke signal' from the list of steps towards achieving manhood. Though we can't help you with that face-to-face stuff...we hear that genre of contact is terrifying.
The content of the post was too lengthy and riddled with cooties for the male, attention span deficient UnSignpost editors to actually read. Furthermore, the UnSignpost ExecutiveBoard refuses to add cootie insurance to the UnSignpost employee health plan. However, resident awesome potatochopper and known girl Sonje was recruited to read the message and react as if she had been asked a clever question by a hypothetical handsome UnSignpost reporter. From her exclusive comments, it seems that the topic poster was disappointed in the vulgarity and immaturity displayed by many of our gentlemen users. "I find the crassness rather endearing,"Sonje responded, "in moderation." So, the moral of the story is: the users who really count will forgive us our occasional desire to cuss a blue streak or upload some boob-related images. So...go nuts!
This week, lead Cabalist Mordillo blocked The Wizard Of Oz with an expiry time of Judgement Day, and did not provide a reason for the epic pwning. We here at the UnSignpost would like to call out Mordillo on this lack of explanation. Not as a courtesy to the user, which he certainly did not earn through his insertions of a weird version of a California article into several unseeming places. No, we would like to know why Mordillo did not take advantage of an opportunity that was ripe with comedic potential.
Surely this poor soul's username could have resulted in a ban reason referencing shiny red shoes or flying monkeys? A statement concerning the location of the user being a place that is not Kansas? We would have settled for a measly 'looking for a brain' line. But instead, you left us hanging, Mordillo. We'd like to officially call you on it, and we take comfort in knowing that though you can ban the editors, and you can ban our freedom, you can never ban the UnSignpost. Though, on second thought, you could delete it.
15:19, 7 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (How To: Fuck off for 3 months)
17:49, 7 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (one two fuck you!)
10:00, 8 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (comedy website. all football clubs get equal treatment here - ie a merciless slagging. mind you, chelsea really do suck.)
Biopic of the Week
Of all of the writers enshrined in the Uncyclopedia Hall of Shame, Electrified mocha chinchilla has the highest number of featured articles without having ever been profiled in the UnSignpost. Whoops, not anymore. Anyway, his listofworks reads like a what's-what of awesomeness. The entity known as e|m|c also organized and ran several Poo Lit Surprise competitions. Worshipful notes and pie can be sent to his talk page.
Retraction of the Week
In last week's exceedingly humorous edition of the UnSignpost, we referred to Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435 was requiring all returning users to announce themselves in the forums. This is actually Bylaw #453. We apologize for the mistake, and also from the confusion resulting from the real Bylaw #435, which states that every 94 days a user's dog must be sacrificed to the Rancor. Sorry Led, and get well Fluffy!
This Week in Uncyc, 1215
The Magna Carta was signed by King John of England, granting certain rights to serfs, peasants, slaves, farmers, and servants. This was immediately parodied in Ye Olde Signeposte, Uncyclopedia's bi-weekly periodical of the time. It was depicted as a document that forced King John to admit he had the power to tax servants, control every aspect of farmer's lives, and shoot serfs in his Royal Preserves for sport.
This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordilloexclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."
Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!
Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!
Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!
People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.
14:37, 11 June 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a nice stroll in the park (The only edit I can make on this website right now is blocking myself. Woohoo!)
15:42, 12 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for The Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) (Follow the yellow brick road to oblivion! Put on your red shoes and dance! dance! Ackowledge that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. And yes I am the wicked witch of the west. I have a wart to prove it)
12:11, 16 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (vandullism - and your cheese looks old and stale anyway. bring me something fresher. and a red onion chutney - let's do this properly)
Biopic of the Week
Sonje ~ Bursting onto the Uncyclpedia scene in March 2009, this spunky female user already has quite the impressive resume. Her sixfeaturedimages speak of her monumental potatochopping abilities, and she won consecutive Potatochopper of the Month awards. Yeah, that's right. Consecutive. We look forward to many more expertly manipulated images and other general awesomery from Sonje in the months to come.
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Continuing in the vaguely sandwich-related theme, Sausage Butty Batter Nuggets are a staple of English cuisine. With a complicated recipe that often leads to dangerous and/or hilarious consequences, this food is nevertheless a highly desirable meal for any self-respecting gentleman or lady in England, and is often served at croquet competitions and monocle-wearing contests. Pictured at right is the extra-crunchy West Country variety.
This Week in Uncyc, 3500 BC
The Great Pyramids of Giza, one of the greatest technological and engineering feats in human history, was parodied in the monthly Uncyclopedia newsletter Bird, Bird, Crocodile, Man With Dog Face, Bird, which was painstakingly written on papyrus reeds by dozens of slaves. In the periodical, the Pyramids were described as "just okay", and were depicted as a stepping stone to grander projects such as Great Cubes and perhaps even a Great Octagonal Prism.
Reason to Leave Uncyclopedia of the Week
#12: Space issues. With so many users returning, and Cajek refusing to grant access to the Cajek Mansion (which takes up over 60% of all Uncyclopedia's property), there just isn't enough room for us all.
I added a couple of sentences, shortened the fever section (I think if there would be a lot of repetition of "his or her", then "her" is conventionally used. Not sure), and corrected some 's's and such. It looked ready to me - some bloating up could be done by enthusiastic advertising text, I suppose - but the article now looks more like an ad from former times so I'm not sure how to do it. The message seems to be all there.
Foitermore, I have a few articles on their way to greatness. Tell me if you have time in August or so. The haiku bit - this reminded me now - I'll add some to it right away. --StyleGuide 06:54, 24 June 2009 (UTC)
Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.
First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.
The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris.
The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
01:41, 24 June 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX)
00:18, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!)
00:16, 21 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (NO MORE MR. NICEGUY)
Biopic of the Week
"How has the UnSignpost never run a biopic on So So?", you might ask. "I mean, his userpage is somewhere between confusing and disturbing, but the guy's a comedic genius! His writingsareclassic!", you might continue. You might even mention that he was nommed for WotM for about half a year in 2007 before finally winning the thing. Well, you might be interested in reading this week's UnSignpost, and then you might look into shutting up.
After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically.
Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin."
Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream...
If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else.
Theadminsresponsibleforthis will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, willnotbenamed.
12:34, 26 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Gotlegginh (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off)
21:18, 26 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 seconds (Non-kosher edits to Woody's meatpage)
08:35, 29 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I is an 8 year old from the UK with super admin powerz, fuck you)
11:49, 1 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (I think you'll find it is you who fail. and not even epically either - just with a bit of a whimper.)
Biopic of the Week
Lovable Wikia dictator Sannse has settled in rather well in the Uncyclopedia Community. She is a double Hall of Shame member, and she recently took home the coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month award for her work in making things behind the scenes to run smoothly, which we take it means that she is very good at regulating the caffeine intake of the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Uncyclopedia. Her typical reaction to watermelon jokes is summed up on the right.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble is an informative guide to consistently winning via questionable means that most enjoyable of letter-arranging games, Scrabble. Fake dictionaries, fake online dictionaries, fake tiles, and octopi are just a few of the diverse methods one can utilize in order to gain a distinctly unfair advantage while playing the game.
This Week in Uncyc, 1776
While the American colonies and the British Empire were not quite getting along, the corresponding members of Uncyclopedia were also having a bit of a flamewar. Prominent British users subtly edited the article on America to include a fictional fourteenth colony called West Wankerton, and American admins reacted by banning the drinking of any tea-related beverages in the Uncyclopedia break room. In the end, both sides agreed to a truce due to the massively impressive fireworks show, which was a Fourth of July tradition. The truce basically entailed both entities cooperation in the vandalism of the article on France.
Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me."
Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before.
Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour.
They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come.
Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost
This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness.
Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.
23:02, 7 July 2009 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) blocked Spang (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 days (testing, I haven't done this in a while)
09:26, 7 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (In fact, here is our complimentary "welcome to uncyclopedia & fuck off" package. Have a nice day.)
00:36, 6 July 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked The Woodburninator (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 191 seconds (You ain't no ban magnet. But I can help you become one. By banning you, that is.)
Biopic of the Week
Now missing for over 18 months, it's time to send the search party out for ENeGMA. If the userbox on his user page is accurate, then his 250,000+ edits mean that he has created virtually all of the content on Uncyclopedia. While that isn't quite true, he has produced some classicallyawesomearticles, and we wish he'd come back and play.
Quote of the Week
<TheLedBalloon> well, my parents were like, son, we're going to make meatloaf tonight
<TheLedBalloon> and I was like
<TheLedBalloon> shit yeah
<TheLedBalloon> you know
<TheLedBalloon> I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOAF
<Shaggy-Rogers> EVEN BLOW YOUR LOAD ON YOUR MOM'S FACE
=-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o TheLedBalloon by ChanServ
=-= Shaggy-Rogers was booted from #uncyclopedia by TheLedBalloon (2 dads)
=-= Mode #uncyclopedia -o TheLedBalloon by TheLedBalloon
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
A Handgun is a non-lethal weapon that has been in use for over 150 years. As adaptable as it is safe, the Handgun can fire many different kinds of bullets, which each require different distinct noises such as "pchoo!". Advantages include an infinite amount of ammunition and the lack of a necessity to reload. Attempts at Handgun regulation have proven pointless at best.
This Week in Uncyc, 658 AD
With the Dark Ages in full swing, Uncyclopedia tried to lighten the mood with a contest that urged users to photoshop a humorous image involving a priest, a monk, and a nun. Since the most advanced photoshop technology at the time still consisted of using paint to draw on canvas, not a single entry was completed by the two-week deadline. However, prominent Uncyclopedian John Smith continued his work far past the deadline, and after eight months submitted an image of a waterskiing nun, which became Uncyclopedia's first featured image.
I'm sorry! I didn't know it bugged You.... it's just that....... Chiyo Mihama is just too cute!!!!!! Oh yeah! Also, Sarah Palin is Evil!!!!!!
You aren't bugging me, but if you are going to add it, add it to the content, without diverting other text. And yes, Sarah Palin is evil, but her shoes were cute! Hugs, Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 15:37, 11 July 2009 (UTC)
I see that you approve. I think that the text of the book itself should be loaded with food and eating metaphores. I am especially proud fo the Mae West quote, which I made up from scratch, thank you very much...Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 20:29, 14 July 2009 (UTC)
Yeah, really pleased with that additions. It is quite a fertile subject for satire, methinks. Pleased with it so far, sure it will be augmented with more funnies over time... ;) -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in).
The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays.
For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD.
Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles.
Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!"
This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.
09:27, 9 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a bouncer from Flintoff (pre-emptive ban before you ban me for pickiness. your English > my Hebrew etc etc...)
20:38, 14 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Impersonating a girl. Perv.)
14:03, 16 July 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (you know Euthanasia might just be the thing you are looking for....)
Biopic of the Week
Known as the man of many signatures (most of them garish and spinning in some fashion), Mahm00shA has made quite the impression on Uncyclopedia since joining in February. His transcription of an interview with a cab driver in his native Egypt has earned him recognition as a writer, and his other useful qualities have earned him an Uncyclopedian of the Month nomination. Go 'moosh!
Quote of the week
[16:41] <Tayor> we're going to need a base to work from.
[16:43] <Tayor> by 'we' I meann 'I'
[16:43] <Tayor> and by 'are' I mean 'am'
[16:43] <Tayor> and by 'work' I mean 'give blow jobs'
"There's Tony Greig standing at second slip — legs wide apart, bending over, waiting for a tickle" - Brian Johnston.
Of course, this simple piece of commentary should require no clarification, but any Americans, other foreigners, or chavs who don't understand the finer points of cricket can pop over to UU's talk page for a patronising explanation.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Martin Van Buren was the eighth President of the United States, a key figure in U.S. political development during the nineteenth century, and a total dick. While other legislators were busy dueling or being awesome in general, Van Buren spent his time practicing his douchebag skills and smelling of old people. He always argues about the stupidest things, and he refuses to ever admit he's wrong. And I'm never letting him borrow my car again.
Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week
The UnSignpost editors regret to announce the introduction of a new device, the "Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week". This box will be used to take up space on the right-hand side of the UnSignpost, an example of which you are currently experiencing. Look for this box to appear when a larger than usual number of stories on the left side of the UnSignpost and an impending end of the work day force the editors to make something up on the fly. This also offers opportunities to sneak trusted mascot DogNewspaper into the issue.
This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums.
Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother.
Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state."
"I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day.
In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time.
Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity.
In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.
Toilet Door Communication, or TDC, is considered by many to be the forerunner of the modern internet. This fascinating form of conversation is complete with its own exceedingly dense jargon and wide spectrum of users. Washing your hands after use is strongly recommended.
Quote of the Week
<Bonner> A while later we also completely wrapped the scooter in cling film
<Bonner> I still have the photos, he was really pissed about that one
<e|m|c> You mean saran wrap.
<e|m|c> Fucking English.
<Bonner> Cling flim
<e|m|c> Uhh. Saran wrap.
<Bonner> cling film
<e|m|c> Cling film
<Bonner> Saran wrap
This Week in Uncyc, 1901
Uncyclopedia users celebrated their first of many week-long tributes to Oscar Wilde, unable to wait the originally planned year after his death. The entire main page was dedicated to Wilde-related issues, and the first instance of mass Wilde quoting ensued.
Reader Poll of the Week
The editors need your help; please weigh in here on the important, non-boring issue of UnSignpost formatting.
Of course I did! The Fat Girl is a great article, good humor throughout and it ends on a logical note. You dimissed it as being too gay, well of course it is gay, sweetie: thats the whole idea, isn't it? But its also terribly accurate: these women exist. Well if you can call something "too gay" and give that reason for not supporting it, so can I. There, now neither of us wins, and we both lose. No fun, is it. Well, I could be persueded to change my mind if you could be persueded to change yours, dahling... Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 20:04, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
Um, no I'm not doing that. It should be possible to vote against someone's work without fearing that it will negatively affect the vote of your own. Otherwise, there would never be any againsts. Also, "too gay" was shorthand for: "I fear that only someone with a high degree of exposure to the gay community would find this funny." Please try not to be so petty in future. -- revolting Ape(sanctify)(Riot Porn) 20:50, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
Dear Ape, Yes, it is possible to vote against an article - but you didn't just vote against it, you called an article about something "gay", "too gay". Nevermind it its well written, you chose to send a message that didn't sit well with me. I'm willing to discuss this in a sane fashion, but please, before you wag your finger in my face, you need to step back and look at your original motives. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 01:22, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
He told you his motives above. "I fear that only someone with a high degree of exposure to the gay community would find this funny." Sure, his comment of "too gay" may not have been constructive in his original vote, but he's already clarified what he meant. In-jokes can make an article inaccessible for those that don't understand them, which, I suspect, is exactly what I ran into when I read the article. He may have made a mistake in his choice of criticism, but please don't hold a grudge against him when he's already tried to remedy the problem. Unsolicited conversation Extravagant beauty PEEING 01:43, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
Boomer, This conversation is between Ape and I, you are not part of this. I kindly ask you to stay out of this. Kindly, Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 01:58, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
Its no worse then commenting "Too British" on an article about Britain. If what I said didn't sit well with you, why didn't you ask me about it, rather than assuming homophobia and then making some childish point? You're in the wrong, please realise it. -- revolting Ape(sanctify)(Riot Porn) 02:23, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
Ape, we disagree. You got on my bad side, I got on yours. There, are you happy? Evidently I know nothing about you - I don't know of any instance where either of us has volunteered to learn anything about one and other, can you name one? erhaps had this happened this situation wouldn't be a situation. Again, if you want to work through this personality problem between the two of us, I'm open, but I refuse to continue on being beaten about by your "superior" self. This matter is done as far as I am concerned unless you wish to call a truce and try and find something that we share in common. I have children to raise, a job to perform, a mother in law to diaper; I have more important things to do than spend time on this. Cordially, Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 12:17, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
I thought you were better than that. For shame, PP. For shame. Now I don't believe in anything! SirModusoperandiBoinc! 22:56, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
Well, Jesus Christ, people. I think you should both just live with it, it's only an against vote. Seriosuly, guys, get over yourselves, and if you really care that much about features, go write some more good articles. Don't worry about a single vote, guys. I know you should not make a dramathon out of something pretty insignificant from experience. So, why don't you both say sorry, and go your separate ways? Staircase CUNt 03:01, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
This week: an update. As previously reported in an earlier news story, one month ago several well-known contributors went on a campaign to try and delete time itself. It is said they were trying to bring about an end to unfunniness throughout history, with the slight side effect of non-existence. But just as it looked as if their plan would come to fruition, cooler heads prevailed and stopped everything in its tracks.
Since then, the plan has changed. Instead of deleting all that ever was, the users have decided it would be much more prudent to just change all of history to their liking. Several users have been seen spending their free time on User:Gwax/Timeline rebuild, in some cases changing events one year at a time, and in others trying to change entire millennia. How they are able to do this, no one is sure, though rumors of a DeLorean DMC-12 have been circulating.
The outcomes of the project have, thus far, been very good for us for everyone. There was one unfortunate incident when a user tried to give his parents millions of dollars before he was born, but the extra money forced them to separate before he was conceived. All of a sudden he didn't exist, but then if he didn't exist, how could he have gone back in time to change anything? It caused a huge rift in space/time, a bit of a bother really. But we're happy to report that everything has been sorted out with no casualtiesonly one casualty!
Remarks from the community on the process have been nothing but positive. "In order to walk the road of peace, we need to climb the mountain of conflict," notable scholar TKFexclusively commented. We have our entire staff working around the clock to figure out what this means as we speak. Town drunk Dexter111344 was also heard mumbling about the subject. He blamed wizards for the whole thing, before stumbling away, probably to make more links to A wizard did it. Regardless, whether its wizards or time machines, the editing of the past continues as we speak, and will continue until all of history has been changed. Or until we get bored and move onto something else.
Owing to the large amount of things happening in the last week, and also to the fact that this issue is unforgivably late, the editors of the UnSignpost were unable to settle on a single topic for the second story of this week's edition. The editors were also unable to agree on either two topics for a rare three-story issue or how many UnSignpost editors it takes to screw in a lightbulb (the UnSignpost staff has been left to ponder this question in the dark).
As a decision could not be reached, it was decided after much deliberation and petty arguing that all of the candidate stories be mentioned rapid-fire in a single story, so as to confuse and irritate the reader and cause him to be required to navigate back to this issue to click on all of the links. These stories are as follows: Zombiebaron returns and petitions to end voting. His effort is parodied, rebutted, and parodied again. A link to Requested Articles is placed on the sidebar and MadMax commences handing out badges to requested article creators. Zombiebaron returns again to demand reskins, which we understand means he needs to replace all of his undead flesh with "fresh flesh". Cajekreturns, but not really. VFH maxes out at 23 nominations at press time, including some discussion-inducing selections. More events certainly occured, but we can't be arsed to list everything for you.
14:47, 26 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours (I banned a guy for too long this one time. Then I had nachos.)
20:40, 29 July 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked MadMax (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 Minute (Constantly littering recent changes with thousands of really useful edits.)
20:45, 29 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes (Not having enough tits.)
15:17, 30 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking? why not just wear a t-shirt proudly declaiming "I have no life"? it has much the same effect, but you might get away with claiming it's ironic...)
Biopic of the Week
Touching down on the Uncyclopedia runway in December '08, Saberwolf116 has quickly become one of the all-time great Pee Reviewers. With 86 of them under his belt, Saber has recently ridden off into a yellow sunset to pursue some sort of education, or something along those lines that will detract from his Uncyclopedia-ing. Return soon, fair Saberwolf!
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Bold Speech to text software bold is the most wide Lee used applicate shin by lacy people who can knot be bother to type. It's bark tech know lodge-y has vast Lee bark improve in Reese cent years. Bark bark it is not recommend Ed bark four use in bark off is spaces bark with noisy bark dogs.
Diabolical Plan to Overtake the Wiki of the Week
It seems that UnSignpost co-chief editor Under user has recently succeeded in the first stages of producing a sewer-dwelling offspring(pictured). Rumors of UU using the as-yet-unnamed biological sockpuppet for activities of questionable morality are unconfirmed. Congratulations, UU!
Reader Poll Results
Last week we asked loyal UnSignpost readers to weigh in on the immensely interesting issue of formatting. There was no clear consensus on the subject, as it seems Uncyclopedians employ the full range of screen resolutions, and as such it's a wonder anyone can read the UnSignpost at all. The most telling aspect of the poll was its response rate, indicating that a full eight people read the UnSignpost.
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behindOlipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet (tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!)
02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.)
02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.)
The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes.
Largely in an effort to boost the prestige of my own award by associating it with yourself I present to you the following:
You are not pants MrN9000 could not help but notice that you are not pants. As such, you have been awarded the Titanium Trousers by way of recognition. Any suggestion that this is a pants award will be treated accordingly...
For bowing out of Uncyclopedia in the most graceful manor I could imagine. Thank you for editing here. MrNFork you! 08:26, Aug 12
"Don't leave messages here" it says in your message. "I don't plan on reading them", it says. But as I don't plan on emailing, I'll leave a sincere "congratulations" here, along with a heartfelt "good luck". Maybe you will read it eventually - probably more chance here than elsewhere. All the best to one of the best. --UU - natter09:01, Aug 12
I too am leaving a message on your talk page because I'm such a rebel. I probably should use this opportunity to say something pleasant. --Hotadmin4u69[TALK] 20:47, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
editUnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!
August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy.Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again.
In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door."Bastard.
Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer.
EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points.
Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent trollinvasion of Yahoo! Answers.
EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly.
New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides
In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.
14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?)
14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons)
15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!)
The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do.
"With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --RomanDogBird!!!!!:D :D :D :D :D :D :D 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC)
Hi, good to meet you. You are one of the legends. I saw your edit and just wanted to say hi. Please autograph my chest. And hopefully you will stay around for awhile, in between your other stuff. Seriously, you've done very nice work here, it's well appreciated. Aleister in Chains 1:11 13 4 mmx
And Hello to you, handsomes mens! I don't hang around much as time and work (thanks to Uncyclopedia!) have me busy but I do haunt this place on occassion. Remember, the key to good satire is not looking beyond the obvious. Make yor sentences so tight that they cut off the air to the readers brain, and people will laugh at just about anything! Hugs!Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 12:14, May 11, 2010 (UTC)
He never left, he just sits on your user page and pines for you all day. It's sad really, but we all know and ignore it. Thanks for the writing advice PretPret, well put and understandable. Aleister sans chains 20:02 13 5 MMX
I have no idea who any of you people are. Get off my talkpage! SirModusoperandiBoinc! 20:06, May 13, 2010 (UTC)
And I just renamed it (UnNews style is without capital letters on every word), corrected typoes, and recorded it as an UnNews Audio. You are added to UnNews:UnNewsAudio#Other writers whose stuff got broadcast, complete with US flag, which you should change if it's incorrect or delete altogether. The only philosophical disagreement is that I think the name of the source article should be played straight instead of made part of the joke; it is your reader's exit to see what prompted the UnNews, and thereby enjoy it more. Spıke¬ 01:22 14-May-10
You're slightly back!! This is the literally the best thing that has happened to me all week. Didn't you get a gig doing this kind of thing professionally or something? pillow talk 21:35, May 19, 2010 (UTC)
Well aren't you sweet for popping in and saying what you said! Yes, I do have a gig writing for cash now. I love it. Thank God for my editor. I promise to keep popping in as time permits. Still it looks like there are all sorts of new people around, so I'm not so sure that they know of me, or about me. Dame GUNPotYWotM2xPotM17xVFHVFPPooPMS•YAP• 18:52, May 26, 2010 (UTC)
Who is this new guy? I take it from his name that he's gay. The only other thing I could think of is that it may be a woman of legend who has 19 features and never got around to breaking the 20 barrier, where no woman has gone before. The glass ceiling. Letting down her species. But this gay guy would probably be glad to be called a woman, so I desist. Aleister in Chains 19:11 26 5 MMX
And still knowing as well. Why not nominate knowing for feature (just popped up on recent pages) or do you have one you love more? Should have that 20th, and I've been urging a 40th on Modus who is sitting at 39.5 for months. Knowing? Al des chains few minutes later
Well, why don't you have a look at the finish on the article, which isn't so great and fluff it up. Then we'll jointy reap the benefit when it wins. According to your caluations, that would put me 19.5 wins!