So what's this message all about? Well, I know it looks like this was automatically generated, and well, OK... you caught me. I'm lazy, so I paste it in. But... if you have been sent this it does mean that I have noticed your contributions, and think that you're going to do some good stuff here. So who am I? Oh, just someone putting his nose in where it is probably not wanted...
Anyway, if you have not already, I SERIOUSLY recommend that you read the link below:
Probably the second most important link for a newcomer is:
How to be funny and not just stupid - Basically it's a guide to writing humours articles which has been edited and improved over time by the users of this site. It's not an insult, and it's well worth a look.
If you want to find out how we decide which articles to feature on the front page, check out the VFH page. Basically, we vote for them. Anyone can vote. Especially you! You might find VFH a useful page to look over as it gives an idea of the kind of standard which you need to reach if you want to get an article featured.
If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia, try these:
I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
Big brother is watching. When he can be arsed anyway. On a more serious note, removing stuff from talk pages is generally not a good idea on here. As you did not do that though (obviously) I guess there is no problem. ;) MrNFork you! 15:37, Apr 1
I wouldn't dream of doing it on anyone else's talkpage but I can remove stuff from my own, surely.
edit So I write shit articles, but you're greatness is adding retarded quotes to my work...
Thanks for the tip, now I know where I've been going wrong. I must ask you politely to not revert back to that version again. Thanks.--Sycamore(Talk) 18:23, December 27, 2009 (UTC)
edit Re: Delete that category and you shall have me to answer to.
Have just done so (nominated it, at least) and saw your comment two minutes later in preparing a comment in the current nomination that I had raised the issue last week in another VFD nomination. I bare my neck and hope you will understand to just give a play bite. Why in hell shouldn't at least the name of the said Category be changed to something useful? SpıkeѦ 01:19 5-Jan-10
As you have admitted yourself you have a bit of a hot head and tend to rush into making edits which are designed to provoke an aggressive response. We REALLY don't like that on Uncyc. When people say things in fun, and they know the user they are dealing with will take what they are saying as a joke then it's totally fine. With you, I sometimes just can't tell if you are really trying to start a fight, or if you are just joking. I think more so that you are actually trying to start a fight most of the time.
Here's the thing... Next time you feel the need to say/type something nasty to another user... Stop. Walk away from the computer, and wait for 10 mins. If then you feel the need to still say something after that, then do so, but hopefully you will be more careful with your words, and will be less likely to cause drama. We REALLY don't like people who generate drama here. It's very distracting from editing for the other users. As for the specific issue with Under user... If an article gets featured at VFH it will be because it passed a vote at VFH. Complaining to an admin about it is totally pointless. You need to complain to EVERYONE who voted, which basically means that you disagree with the overall will of the wiki. Some of our articles are offensive to some users. Those who have been here a while know that this is something which they just have to learn to deal with as it's an inevitable consequence of being on a wiki where we promote free speech. You either need to accept that fact, or leave. I hope you are able to accept it, as I think the vast majority of what you do here is great, and I enjoy having you around most of the time. Feel free to complain about this ban if you wish, I will not block you more for complaining and I will not block you for what you do on my talk page, but I seriously recommend you take some time to think about what I'm saying. That's why I have given you a 3 day break.
I think Sycamore saved yo' ass from another ban. SpıkeѦ 16:15 31-Mar-10
Actually, he reverted an admin on VFD, keep up Spike. Ozy - I don't know how many times you've been told by different admins that you need to STOP REVERTING PEOPLE and start thinking before you press the undo button. Reverting an admin while he's archiving a done VFD vote is one of the most annoying things you can do. I'm getting tired of getting back to your page and seeing those repeated messages. ~ 16:20, March 31, 2010 (UTC)
edit UnSignpost 15/4/10 - Yet another on time delivery.
A recent infestation of glowing dildos has taken over the front page of Uncyclopedia. Many users were shocked on April 11th when they opened up their web browsers and were treated to bright green replicas of EugeneKay's penis. Everywhere. Even poor anti-Semite Mel Gibson couldn't escape the wrath of the glowing dick. And the reason for the Scream in Edvard Munch's famous painting was revealed - turns out to have been caused by a hoard of giant glowing EugeneKay penises - an understandable reaction.
When asked to comment on the matter, users simply refused to acknowledge that they had seen the penises at all. "Well, I for one didn't notice anything. Glowing penii are so common around here that these particular examples of illuminated manhood really didn't make an impression..." said Aleister in Chains. HELPME had a different outlook on the whole matter: "of course I noticed, how couldn't I? They were everywhere!" he exclusively told our intrepid reporter. Random internet traffic took notice of the infestation as well, with 127.0.0.1 commenting" "Ballsack!!!11 alolololololololooll pasfsdkjfhaelkfjds PENIS PENIS PENIS." He was promptly banned.
The infestation passed almost as quickly as it came and a sense of normalcy returned to the main page when the penises retreated into the dark and abysmal graveyard of unused image files. By April 13th, all traces of the Great Penis Invasion of April 11-13 2010 (as it is now being called) were gone. There are, however, unconfirmed reports that the menace still lingers close to the main page, just waiting to strike again soon.
It has come to the attention of our ever-vigilant reporters (largely because Why? has been bugging us to write a story about it) that Why? has decided to stand down as Admiral of Imperial Colonization, the organisation that somewhat amusingly styles itself after British Imperialism, but uses American spelling.
We didn't need to ask the outgoing Admiral for a comment, as he was falling over himself to give us plenty, so we randomly selected the following: "I'm anal for accuracy", he told us. Among other things.
Anyway, if you want to follow in Why?'s footsteps, and those of his illustrious predecessors in charge of the Colonization project, you can sign up to be considered for the post here. If it helps, you may wear a nice hat (please provide your own hat).
17:54, 14 April 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (On the charge of flagrant asshattery while in posession of an internet connection, I find you incredibly guilty)
20:05, 13 April 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I never gave you an inaugural joke ban? I blame you.)
23:03, 12 April 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (And the LORD said unto me: "Go ye, and smite the page blankers; they are as shit upon My heavenly sandal")
14:44, 11 April 2010 ChiefjusticeDS blocked 184.108.40.206 with an expiry time of 1 day (You sound clever, and therefore I am blocking you to ensure that your talents are not wasted on us.)
21:19, 11 April 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a random ban time (chose your own adventure)
Biopic of the Week
Continuing our glorious occasional tradition of bio-ing people who haven't contributed for months and half the newer members of the wiki will never have heard of, let's have a look at Andorin Kato. An Uncyc stalwart since 2006, Andorin was voting on VFD, QVFDing stuff and writinggoodarticles when most of today's active users were in short trousers (they're still in short trousers, of course, but it's been a while). In true on-the-ball Uncyc fashion, this hard work was recognised when Andorin was made UotM in November 2009. He was less than thrilled.
"Where is my signpost?" was the cry heard from the world wide masses this week. "There should have been an issue on the 22nd and on the 29th, and nothing seems to have been done about it."
Fear not, gentle reader, for the signpost will not go gentle into the good night. We have instead taken a brief hiatus for no reason that we could conceivably come up with, and now we are back in a blaze of glory.
For those who are unaware of our proud history, the next issue, coming out this Thursday, will mark the (roughly) 2 year anniversary of the creation of the UnSignpost, the unperiodic periodical started by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek. The good doctor, at the time of the first issue, was asked what his feelings were towards creating the first formalised forum for spam within Uncyclopedia. It was from this that we now have the immortal words "Those assholes better appreciate this. They'd BETTER."
Now, two years on from those words of wit and wisdom, the UnSignpost is still struggling going strong.
There have been varied reports as to why the USP has not been released. One suggestion is that regular contributors just "couldn't be bothered writing." Others have suggested that it comes down to the unwillingness of the head editor, who was recently heard to say "I'm so against... this... again... (E)xistence is far more than (it) deserves."
One of the more probable reasons for the lack of issues may be that the news has now gone viral, and is available more readily through facebook then it has been previously. One facebooksemi-regular, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a Silent Bob inaction figure, has said of this development "Excuse me, but I think your geek is showing."Dexter111344 supported the move to the social networking site by saying "I won't be joining as I don't intend to ever make a Facebook."
Ethine, however, was somewhat more constructive, informing this reporter that "Since it's getting close to summer, we'll likely have more calls, as most people's schedules are slowing down. As well as calls, we have the neat little chat thing at the bottom, where everyone sexually harasses each other when calls aren't going." Despite several attempts, I still haven't been sexually harassed.
One reason why users have not been as distracted recently is due to the enormous amount of work going on at PEE review. At present there are articles waiting for review which have been there for over three weeks. For all those who are looking to get the review process back and alive, please pick up an article for review today. Your time and investment into this proud tradition can create the next great article, like the recently featured A wizard did it or the recently nominated UnNews:Windows 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 came out, hailed by some as "the most profound and groundbreaking article to hit Uncyclopedia in over 50 years"
And of course, another reason might simply be that the team here at USP are all running around arranging bake sales to assist with Poo Lit Surprise, the bi-annual competition that actually gives prizes to the winners.
The most likely explanation, however, is that nothing newsworthy ever happens on Uncyclopedia
There is a particular school of though that says that these fields here should be filled in with any old garbage in order to ensure that both the left and the right hand sides of the USP are of the same length. While we appreciate this sentiment, the truth is that the USP is known to be constantly at bursting point with information that we can't fit into one column, and so this right hand column is essential for the stuff that we can't fit elsewhere.
The above section is not a prime example of the statement in the section above. Please feel free to ignore it.
The Oprah quote you took off over 9000 was actually real! It's what she said, or approximately, when she was quoting the site which made the meme then take off into the innerneststratosphere. So it was the most real thing on the page! By the way, I'm the author of Anne Hathaway, and it was featured on the front page for two days, not just one. Ha ha ha ha ha, two days. Well, good to meet you, and if you like Science Fiction the Colonization this month is Sci-Fi, contact Puppy, he's heading up the writing. Aleister unchained 12:17 4 5 MMX
Same with that Monkey-Fighting Planes one from the Samuel L. Jackson article. It's what he says in the TV edit of Snakes on a Plane. Ridiculous but true. Youtube it for a lul. --Matfen 17:59, June 8, 2010 (UTC)
I don't believe it. Monday to Friday plane? Lol! Thanks Matfen. --Ozymandiaz 23:55, June 8, 2010 (UTC)
Fancy watering Uncyclopedia's forestry? Want to be a good conservationist? Fancy taking up the rewriting sword of justice, and righteously smiting the dragon of shit writing? Actually, the hell with that, do you want to take a bunch of bad articles, and make them suck less? Then you, my friend, are in luck!
As this is a competition dedicated to simultaneously reducing the number of useless articles on the wiki and increasing the number of good ones, some naysayers believe it to be completely pointless - Uncyclopedia is the worst, they say, and no amount of well-intentioned competitions can change that. But were it to exist, the Cabal would probably beg to differ. They may call it something like "a genuinely good thing", and "a ray of hope, signalling that occasionally, even the most worthless dreck may be redeemed".
So if you think what your userpage is missing is a template called the "Greasy Mechanic Award", then prepare to rewrite like you've never re-written before. Just don't forget to make your new version better than the original.
Something summarizing the events of the last month or so
It has been said by one of our esteemed administrators here at UnSignpost that if it wasn't reported in the UnSignpost, then it didn't happen. As there has been no UnSignpost produced for the last few days, due to one of the editors having a real life, and another one being lazy, there are several things that didn't happen.
Yes, the loss of the UnSignpost for so long sent a shiver down the spines of many an Uncyclopedian. So much so that one member of the community decided that it was timely to look at a new way to produce the UnSignpost. One such idea was to release a monthly periodical in the place of USP. Although there has been several attempts by this reporter to obtain a quote from said insurrectional community member, to date no response has been heard.
As part of the ongoing struggle to maintain our independent stance from Wikia, several members decided that it would be a wise idea to create a way to cash in on the popularity of the site. As such the UnShoppe has been created, where you may purchase any one of a number of Uncyclopedia-related pieces of merchandise. So far all purchases have been made by the individuals who created the store. However, if you are looking for the place to buy a shirt that shows that your nipples have been featured, that a wizard did something, whatever it was, and that you have an in-depth knowledge of who Dan Kwon is.
Imperial Colonisation has taken a brief hiatus after the new head of IC became the old head of IC. He was an Australian, and his example has inspired the entire nation so much that the new head of Parliament for the country is now the old head of parliament. Congratulations go out to the new new head of IC.
A strange bandwagon has been created by a drunken Bonner, who has challenged all and sundry to ask him anything at all. As such there are various forums dedicated to asking regular Uncyclopedian members things. These previously were known as user talk pages, but who can stand in the way of progress?
And that's all that didn't happen. Although now it's listed in UnSignpost that means it actually did happen. Which suggests that by editing UnSignpost I have the power to change the past. If I could change anything about the past, what would it be?
06:22, 23 June 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (and you are the living proof that school kids are idiots)
00:12, 23 June 2010 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked LRC (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (The purpose of redirects is to redirect someone to a page that is related to the original page, not separated by six degrees of bullshit logic. Try again.)
09:52, 21 June 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Back after your last block and still loving the penis, have a bit longer to think about that)
15:02, June 17, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 243 seconds (I hear the UnSignpost may be returning, so I'd better make sure I put up at least one decent ban this week so I can get in it!)
05:38, June 17, 2010 PantsMacKenzie (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of a million years (multiple vandalizations of keitei)
Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.
Some time in the last month or so, the UnSignpost completely failed to celebrate its second anniversary. Hey ho. Two years of missed deadlines, desperate filler boxes, flimsy biopics, hand-deliveries and pale imitations of journalism - is it even worth mentioning? Probably not.
Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #347
The standard of desperate filler boxes in the UnSignpost remains as low as ever. Oh look - a monkey!
Dullness. Boredom. Shit not going down. That's the place Uncyc found itself recently. And we needed a spark. An idea. Something out of leftfield to galvanise the troops, plaster stupid smiles on faces across the wiki, and inspire joy unconfined in the community.
We're still waiting for that, but until it arrives, Skull's hour-long writing contest will do nicely. Shamelessly pinching Cajek's idea of time-limited writing competitions (which brought us such classics as HowTo:Sexually Stimulate an Ant, lest we forget), but putting his own distinct spin on it, Uncyc's own mad Doctor challenged Uncyclopedians to write an article in a single hour that would survive VFD. Given Uncyclopedia's well-known exacting quality standards, this promised to be a tough task, but a surprising number of people were up for it.
Giant evil multinational wiki-hosting conglomerate Wikia won a major victory last month, when a rebellion by a small but dedicated band of anti-capitalist radicals was brutally put down by a bunch of fascistic Wikia-collaborators. Or at least, that's what happened in the heads of Carlb, Roye7777777 and CartoonistHenning after they nailed their anti-Wikia manifesto to the metaphorical door of Uncyclopedia's metaphorical Wittenberg Cathedral.
The 1,000-word anti-Wikia tract, despite the shocking and previously unknown revelation that Wikia was not in fact the wiki-hosting charity that it claimed to be, but rather a commercial company, failed to ignite a spontaneous revolt against Wikia among the Uncyclopedia community.
A heated and sexually-charge discussion ensued, with strong arguments offered by both sides. However, it seems that some people were unable to grasp the enormity of the revelation that Wikia's motives were less than altruistic. Eventually, the thread descended into an all-out flamewar and a waaaaaaaaaaaaaahmbulance was called to treat the injured.
09:07, 30 June 2010 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Ahmedatefa (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (don't do that....or I shall have to spank you)
20:31, 27 June 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked SadisticWolf (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes (I don't "rape" I "cockify". There's a difference. )
16:01, 25 June 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Dexter111344 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 seconds (I'm not a poor version of Oli, I'm a mediocre and far more irritating version)
Biopic of the Week
What can be said about Ethine? Well, she's been lurking IRC since about December 2006 and only made an account after being forced to by emc. She has been sexually harassed by long forgotten users and by ones you only wish you could forget. She recently took up the job of fighting vandals, reverting idiots, and trying to get new users flogged. For some reason, this was enough to get her the Uncyclopedian of the Month award. Or it could have just been because of her hands. Her young, sexy, oh-so-soft hands...
By the way, she actually likes talking to you freaks over Skype. Go talk to her. Ask her about her open invitation to everyone to come to her house. You won't even have to bring your own rope, either.
Old-school featured article of the week
Hi, my name is David Cameron and I'm the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. You can call me Dave if you wish, not that I'm trying to tell you what to do. "David" is fine. My mother calls me David and she's a lovely woman, so either way it's cool.
This is my own personal uncyclopedia article. I've created this, because I feel that in this modern age of ipods and nanos, it is important to connect with young people and do it in the medium and language that they understand, L.O.L.
I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument made you look like an idiot . You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags passing yourself off as insightful and above the judgment of others. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers! The ever-watchful Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 14:57, July 8, 2010 (UTC)
I love it and reserve it for very special idiots only. When in a pinch, one may substitute "spoutless douche bag". Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 00:57, July 9, 2010 (UTC)
Lose? I don't lose. Ever. Look up the definition of Godwin's Law and you'll find that it entails the following:
"... a humorous observation made by Mike Godwin in 1990 which has become an Internet adage. It states: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches."
I in my infinite knowledge brought up Nazi Germany in relation to the dread Uncyclopedians have of SS like admins, such as you, Heimlich. I however, prefer not to follow the ordinary ways of thought and if that makes me a dick then suck me or ban me. --Ozymandiaz 17:24, July 8, 2010 (UTC)
I think you stopped being amusing just about a line ago. You try to do ban evasion this time, this ban will become infinite. ~ 19:22, July 8, 2010 (UTC)
The 6th bi-annual Conservation Week is now in full swing, and once again bugging people by lasting for a fortnight. So far there are around 12 rewriters signed up (depending on if Joe9320 is serious about pulling out because he got reverted) to rewrite getting on for 30 or so articles. That's a fair old commitment to improvement. But then, that's kind of the idea, isn't it?
Conservation week has been running since autumn 2007, starting life in Jocke Pirat's userspace, and spending a confused few hours being called the rewrite-a-thon in an early attempt to get around the whole week-fortnight thing. The first iteration was a resounding success, and about 38 people signed up to rewrite over 50 articles (with Zombiebaronhilariously missing the point and going on a deletion spree instead), making the current iteration look like it has some work to do. However, there was no quality control at the outset - if an article was rewritten in any way, that was deemed good enough. Some of those early articles may well have been made worse, we just don't know (or can't be bothered to check).
Quality control arrived later on, when erstwhile gentleman editor of this very organ Gerrycheevers stepped up to run the first 2009 CW, and ran the rule over all the rewrites personally, so that the attendant award was only bestowed on those doing quality rewrites. That task this year falls to Dexter111344, who has promised to be "harsh but harsh". Probably.
So, with a prize on offer to the person with the most high quality rewrites, and plenty of time left in which to do said rewrites, the only question left is: "why haven't you entered yet"? We asked this question of one completely random user, and he exclusively told us "because I'm busy writing this week's issue of the UnSignpost, duh!"
Time to focus on a sometimes-overlooked corner of Uncyclopedia: UN:PIC, otherwise known as Image Request or Radical X's corner. Named for the once and forever king of image manipulation on Uncyclopedia, the near-mythical RadicalX, this page has been responsible for some truly memorable Uncyc images over the years. And some of Pokémon characters superimposed on the crucifixion - hey, whatever floats your boat.
Established in March 2005 by a user called Machinecurse, this page has been the domain of most of the legends of Uncyc image manipulation at one time or another - as one 'chopper has left, another has arisen to take their place, in some kind of Potatochop Royal Succession stylee. Or something. Whatever, the likes of Paulgb, Zombiebaron, Seeker, Sonje and, more recently, KneeChee27 and MeepStarLives have slaved over hot image editing software to fulfil the esoteric image requirements of the Uncyclopedia populace.
The response time has always varied on the page, as it largely depends on how active the 'choppers are at the time, how achievable the requests actually are, and how polite the request is. But for those with a little patience, it is undoubtedly a useful resource in the ongoing quest for that perfect image of Mario and Master Chief riding Pikachu down the Death Star Trench run. Or something. Have a look at the gallery to see some of the more recent work.
03:03, 5 July 2010 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Skinfan13 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Paradox block for breaking a rule on an award with no rules)
21:47, 4 July 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Aidan2613 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (The revolution is dead. God save the queen)
18:15, 2 July 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 Days (I hope the next 48 hours pass as swiftly and painlessly for you as the hundred years war)
Biopic of the Week
In North Vancouver, born and raised, at city fundraisers and bake sales are where he spent most of his days...
Some of you may or may not remember Shandon, nicknamed "Doughboy" by the electorate in Vancouver after his notorious political scandal which nearly erupted Canadia into anarchy. This is unlike his nickname on Uncyclopedia, "Doughperson", which is based on Shandon's genderneutralwriting style and gender neutral username having led many to believe that Shandon has no gender. He recently moved to America, and after doing so was named "Worst Canadian Export", a title he took from Bryan Adams but recently lost to Justin Bieber (Shandon's only chance of reclaiming the title is Bieber's looming appearance in North Korea which many hope will be the end of him). After becoming the first person to ever pick up a chick from the Uncyclopedia IRC, Shandon is now living the American Dream.
Once, many years ago, having 40 featured articles seemed an untouchable goal - a mystical, far-off land that none would ever reach. These days, it seems almost passé, as Mhaille has joined Modusoperandi in that territory, and Hyperbole (counting works by his various drunken sockpuppets) is half a feature away from becoming the fastest person yet to reach that magical figure.
We asked them all for quotes, and Mhailleexclusively told us: ""Go eat more shit, fuckers"...obviously I am excited to have reached the BIG 4-0, and am delighted that enough of my peers deem the quality of my work good enough to have reached that figure, although I have to say I'm a little pissed that at least 10 other of my articles are feature-worthy and are constant overlooked (lengthy bans will ensue, I'm sure), I am equally as proud of my featured images, as well as many of my other contributions that I hope that my peers feel have augmented the work of others. That I am still here after five long years, and still contributing says something about Uncyclopedia itself. What that is, I wouldn't like to speculate. But sometimes you have to in order to accumulate. Apparently." Which is such a long quote we're going to need at least one blatant filler box in the right-hand panel. Bastard.
Meanwhile, Modusexclusively told us "It's not that myself and Mhaille have written so very many great and fantastic pages that have, and will continue to, entertain the people for years to come. It's just that Mhaille did. "I" am one of his many sockpuppets. He writes as "Modusoperandi" when he needs a page without a "foreign" accent. Look around. There are a bunch more Mhaille sockpuppets here, too. Hyperbole, for one. Mhaille is like a wet Mogwai." Which is more concise, and therefore OK.
Finally, Hypeexclusively commented: "I'd like to say thank you to Uncyclopedia for voting to feature my many excellent, high-quality articles, including the drunken insistence that you accept a diseased poodle, the song about having sex with sporting goods, and the blatantly racist tirade about having to wait too long for a Pee Review. Writing 39.5 features has been literally the most important accomplishment I will ever have in my life. I look forward to continuing to service each and every one of you in the future." Which was nice of him.
So, the burning question now has to be: who will be first to 50? Modus obviously has the lead, but Mhaille is writing in greater volume than he has for some time, and if Hype keeps up the pace, he's probably a good bet. But they're not the only candidates - Sog is coming up the rails rapidly, and could reach the 40 mark even quicker than Hype - could he overtake the lot of them? The only thing certain is that with these guys around, Uncyc should be assured of some half-decent articles amongst the dross.
World Cup over - Romartus struggling for UnNews inspiration
The climax to the World Cup may have been a little ugly, unsatisfying and under-whelming (hmm, sounds familiar somehow), but it raises a question so far not addressed by the mainstream media, namely "what is Romartus going to write UnNewses about now?"
Suspicions abound that the Tour De France is passing him by, he seems far too English to care about the various draft and transfer shenanigans in the NFL and NBA and the like, and as the only story to emerge from golf's Open Championship so far is Tiger Woods changing his putter (wow, someone hold me back), that seems unlikely to unleash his inner news-hound. With a worrying lack of global sporting tournaments on the horizon, will we have to wait another 4 years for the next Romartus article splurge? Stay tuned to UnNews to find out!
23:47, 14 July 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Oh, shut up for about half a year, will you? Thanks, dear.)
15:47, 13 July 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) resurrected Under user (Talk | contribs) (a song originally written for Celine Dion? Have you no standards?)
14:47, 13 July 2010 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 294 seconds (CUZ I MISS U BABY AND I DUN WANNA MISS A THING.)
14:39, 13 July 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Don't want to cloooose my eyes, don't want to faaaaaall asleep.)
06:18, 13 July 2010 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Keeh69 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I block with the power of a thousand vuvuzelas)
19:16, 12 July 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (you can't even spell "racistic" properly it's "RASISTICS")
01:01, 12 July 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Only because I can't appoint you an admin.)
Biopic of the Week
Fnoodle was the UnSignpost's first ever paperbot, something we could frankly do with more of. One of the many creations of fiendish evil genius Dr. Skullthumper, it also managed to singlehandedly upset approximately two-thirds of the wiki by running a huge spellcheck operation, maliciously changing "teh" to "the" on every single page - which seemed to put an awful lot of panties in a bunch, judging by teh number of complaints on Skull's talk page in the aftermath.
The Adventures of Baron Ringpiece were composed as a series of short tales, published between 1840 and 1848 by William “Wacky” Thackeray, better known for Vanity Fair Magazine, and his novels Penispenispenis and The Virginans, and details the life and adventures of Redman Barry O'Malley.
Thackeray always considered the work to be unfinished, and had intended to add several more chapters, turning the tale from one where the hero works towards success to one where he gains his dreams only to lose them.
10:04, 9 July 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (account creation disabled) (I really don't do this as often as I should)
That bastard child of Uncyclopedia and WikiNews, UnNews, is in full-on whoring mode. Tired of being relegated to the bilge hold of Uncyc, staff have collectively and to a man, woman or it, decided to resort to the time-honored tradition of whoring themselves for attention.
The Newsroom, home to nefarious plots and odd ideas, has once again become an active core of resistance against Uncyc's unofficial policy of ignoring us.
Always leading edge, UnNews is acquiring a stable of notable personalities for a new series of Uncolumns called "Reductio ad Hitlerum", a guest column that invites persons of note to do an article for us, usually under threat of blackmail. Discussion here, first RaH column here by guest Sarah Palin.
The most exclusive and coveted award on Uncyclopedia, the Mhaille award for excellence, has been presented for only the 14th time in 4 years, and the first time in first time in a year, to the suitably humbled RabbiTechno.
The award is, unusually on vote-happy Uncyclopedia, not decided on by voting, but is bestowed at the sole discretion of feature-monster, bureaucrat, whoring legend and token Liverpool fan Mhaille, according to his own criteria. Looking down the list of previous winners - Shandon, ENeGMA, Tompkins, Zombiebaron, Prettiestpretty, Savethemooses and the rest, it's pretty clear that the good Rabbi is a) in good company, and b) not going to be here much longer.
06:03, 22 July 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Cyberbully - also apparently believes women to have penises and is thus either aged under six years or is a Lady Gaga fan. Either way, unsuitable for Uncyclopedia)
08:04, 19 July 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (returning blankist. Nice to see you again chap.)
06:06, 17 July 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (I get my dubious software from Synaptic package manager, thank you.)
01:45, 17 July 2010 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (yo article so fat)
Old-school featured article of the week
A shopping list purports to be a simple item used to detail all items required on a given shopping trip. However, recent scientific studies have revealed its true purpose: it is a key element in a game of oneupmanship between couples.
The lists are carefully compiled in a secret code known only to one half of the couple, the objective being to confuse, baffle, and otherwise annoy the other half to the point of submission. The ultimate aim is to get the other half to admit to being an abject failure, and to concede intellectual superiority in the relationship indefinitely, or at least until next Tuesday.
Cajek ban of the week brings you - Cajek's first ban!
15:06, 20 September 2007 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour (When an admin archives a VFD, voting is closed.)
Yes, folks, it's actual news this week. We know, next week will see normal service resumed. However: following a forum discussion on the dump that impressively managed to avoid any realdrama, it has been decided that, to avoid any articles being deleted without a proper window for debate, all nominations on VFD will remain open for a minimum of one day.
Further to that, the minimum score required for deletion is in the process of being clarified, so that either a score of at least +5 in favour of deletion will be required before the trigger-happy admins fire up their huffing devices, or 5 keep votes will automatically exempt an article from deletion. One of those. Probably. The number 5 seems certain to be involved, whatever the outcome.
Hopefully, this will ensure that BUTT POOP is never deleted again. At least, such is our understanding.
Sorry about that. We will now follow this with an article with no relation to news whatsoever, to try and make it up to you.
Those with a passing interest in sports might notice that Uncyc's never-popular Fantasy Football league is about to embark on its second season, and has begun the draft process necessary to create the teams that will be taking part.
So far, the results have surpassed the expectations of all except noted optimist Bradaphraser. Three days in, and seven of the record fourteen competitors have picked a single player each, making this the slowest process since BP started trying to cap that goddamn oil leak.
This year's competition promises to be more open than the last, including as it does Joe9320, who admits to knowing nothing about the sport, preferring AFL, and noted British namby-pamby "soccer" fan UU, who has somehow agreed to become an Indianapolis Colts fan for the duration of the season. Hence his adding a picture of what he is assured is the awesomePeyton Manning into this very article. With the likes of the here-one-week-gone-for-a-month Gerrycheevers also involved in the process, it could well end up taking long enough to be ready by the start of the 2011-12 season.
07:55, 3 August 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Ethine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1000 seconds (I'm seeing the words "Added category!" when I sleep now)
14:44, 29 July 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I'm sure Emma is a really nice girl when you get to know her. Ask her out for some coffee or something. And when you guys fuck, don't post about that here either.)
00:14, 28 July 2010 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11/16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 days (I got bored, so I decided to block 2/3 of Norway. Bug an admin in IRC and they'll unblock you, maybe.)
Biopic of the Week
Some user was just some user who created Uncycloversity, Unquotable, and had the world's greatest departure message from Uncyclopedia. Despite only having been at Uncyclopedia long enough for everyone to cry when he left, Some user brought a plethora of knowledge to Uncyclopedia. He taught us all how to find our inner sockpuppet and be humble, the former of which has duped countless users into earning lengthy bans and the latter of which was laughed at out of confusion and then soon forgotten. He also taught us all about the laws that protect one's anonymity on the internet, reminding us that the internet is a safe, anonymous world. Fact: every time a person uses a proxy, God makes a rainbow.
Sexy 'Crat of the Week
Mhaille is quite possibly the reason why all sysops on Uncyclopedia are assumed to be sexy. Going by his South Park likeness here (have you added yours?), his excitingly furrowed brow speaks of smouldering hidden depths, his trim goatee teamed with his unkempt hair hints at the animal nature he so barely keeps in check, his narrowed eyes show he's always ready for action... Face it folks: the man drips sex. Being banned by him is actually illegal in twelve American states as being too erotic.
UnReviews is the latest portal-style page on Uncyclopedia. The brainchild of Skinfan13, and first introduced to the world via this forum, it gathers together all of the reviews that are not pee-related on the wiki into one handy place - verily, it's the page of the future! And it needs YOUR help! Yes, good idea though it seems to be, it does lack one fairly insignificant ingredient - there aren't actually all that many UnReviews to fill it up with.
So how can YOU help? Well, we would have thought that was obvious, to be honest, but as we're dealing with Uncyclopedians here, we'll make it a little clearer: write an UnReview! You could go down the road of Modus's magnum opus UnMovie Review: The Dark Knight, and make a movie review, you could get all cultured on our asses, and go Shakespearian, or you could review something else entirely. The choice is, quite literally, yours!
Need a hand making your page more awesome? In need of a formatting injection, or some kind of audio enhancement? Well, help may just be at hand. MeepStarLives has decided to create a one-stop portal for all requests of this nature. If this actually works, it could be something beautiful, quite frankly.
TKF has already started the ball rolling with a challenging audio request which is likely to be an early acid test for the project. If you have a Casio keyboard and some decent audio skills, get across there and get this thing working!
So, how can you get involved? Well, if you are skilled at adding awesome to pages in some way, watchlist the page, check it regularly, and stop hogging your wiki-fu to yourself! If you are in need of added awesomeness on your page, pop in a request and see what happens. If nothing else, it'll make Meep feel good about himself, and that's what it's all about, when you get right down to it. Right?
06:45, 12 August 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 Days (Don't blank pages, take drugs, or steal cars)
03:16, 9 August 2010 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird's Vag Stank (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (probably a troll, although the username could totally be a coincidence)
16:26, 8 August 2010 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Hyperbole (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (taking top spot on the Hall of Shame.....might consider the need for a longer ban.....)
Biopic of the Week
Perhaps some of you remember Sir Cornbread. I barely do. I do remember how he made the Village Dump smell pleasant...well, as pleasant as the wafting, mixed aromas of stale cornbread and garbage can be.
During his tenure at Uncyclopedia, Mr. Cornbread only had two features: rap and The Putz Who Stole Hanukkah. We're certain that if he would've stuck around he'd have 68,027.5 features, putting everyone else to shame but not rubbing it in our faces because I vaguely remember him being a nice guy or something. Now, this sounds ridiculous because Uncyclopedia only has 25,000 or so articles at present, but trust me on this one: this guy could write.
Do you honestly think banning me repeatedly is going to make me lick your boots? I’m not here to argue and I’m not here to target admins with random outbursts. I’m here to make friends and to donate my unique brand of humour and if you don’t like it, too bad. Uncyclopedia is for everybody and as you’ve probably realised, I have a strong sense of justice. I don’t bow to petty rules that are there to keep the rabble in check and I don’t fawn and scrape to admins with chips on their shoulders. If someone offends me, no matter what their rank, I will confront them. If someone insults me, I will insult them back. I speak to people of authority on equal footing because I am not a sycophantic circle-jerker. If I see someone being unjustly persecuted, I will go to their defence, despite ingratitude on their part. There seems to be a disturbingly collectivistic, legalistic and authoritarian mindset on Uncyclopedia and it just won’t do. I hope you all realise how things are going to work around here from now on and I hope for your sakes that you start treating me with the considerable respect I deserve and in return you will be rewarded. This is not Nazi Germany (forgive me for again invoking Godwin's Law). Thank you for reading and happy editing. --Ozymandiaz 01:33, August 24, 2010 (UTC)
Your penchant for comparing everything you dislike to Nazi Germany is offensive. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 11:46, August 29, 2010 (UTC)
I agree with every point you make, however its a two way thing. Mutual respect has to be earned by both parties on an individual level. Making sweeping statements that we are legalistic or authoritarian seems to be setting a tone that appears to be somewhat closeminded and set into an unbending view that is likely to colour relationships here, and that can't be a good thing. All of us are judged on a daily basis by our actions here, I too have a strong sense of justice and of fair and honourable behaviour. Although sometimes I fail in meeting my high ideals I would like to think that I interact with people in a fair way, and likewise I appreciate it when people return the same. -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
Hey Froggy. Well Mhaille, you've certainly dealt with me in a fair and just way and you're the first person to do so in a long time so thank you. Changing the subject, I'm currently working on an article about psychopathic behaviour in cats which I hope you'll all enjoy! After that, I'm thinking a news piece about Jabberwocky being on the endangered species list which should be fun. --Ozymandiaz 20:40, August 27, 2010 (UTC)
Do you proofread yourself? Do you understand that what you say above is equivalent to, "Hi. I'm new here, and don't know how to do things properly. I want to make friends. I will do anything I feel like doing because I am opinionated. I will fuck with anyone I see as a fit target, admins included. Now like me, read my great articles and kiss my ass?" Since you brought up your Apergers (as an excuse for bad behavior?), I will tell you I raised an Aspie kid to adulthood and have Aspie nephews. I may even be an Aspie myself. I am almost as old as Dr. Asperger, I suspect, and I've never bothered to be tested. I understand you in ways you aren't mature enough to appreciate. Your "high ideals" are yours alone. Don't push yourself on others the way you feel pushed upon by the rest of the world. That's called being a dick. Be a dick and I'll ban you permanently. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk)Get saved! 11:44, August 29, 2010 (UTC)
Gentlemen, I give you a collectivistic, authoritarian legalist. Now to dissect the specimin. No I did not bring up my Asperger's an excuse for bad behaviour, unlike yourself, though frankly I think you're more likely to have something akin to Dickbag syndrome than Asperger's. I do indeed proofread myself and what I wrote above says something along the lines of "I am nobody's wnhipping boy, you cross my path, you pay - be nice and I'll be nice back." Observe: above Mhaille offered constructive criticism and treated me with respect. I did so back. You're the only one who's pushing on others, you're the dick around here, now stop antagonising me, take your issues of masculinity to a good psychiatrist's office and have a nice day. Finally if you don't like Nazi Germany then how about Soviet Russia? --Ozymandiaz 14:13, August 29, 2010 (UTC)
edit UnSignpost - This is definitely not late; you're just drunk
It's been an unusually long stretch without any kind of competition recently, but PeregrineFalcon999 has come up with a way to put paid to that! Co-incidentally, the pee queue is as long it's been in aaaaages, but PeregrineFalcon999 has come up with a way to put paid to that too!
Yes, it would appear to be nearly time for the inaugural UncyclopediaPee Week! It starts on Monday 13th September. So, the questions must be asked:
Do you have an opinion, and want to give others the benefit of it?
Do you want to help people who are looking for help with their articles?
Do you want to get a shiny new template award thingy?
If the answer to at least one of those questions is "yes", you could be on your way to winning this soon-to-be prestigious competition! Just sign up here, and prepare to review as you've never reviewed before!
As we all know, there is nothing the average Uncyclopedian enjoys more than voting. Except possibly causing drama, but we'll gloss over that for the purposes of this article, because an unprecedented new opportunity to vote has arisen, thanks to amphibious serial-killer TKF.
That's right, on the fifth of every month, a new vote will start to determine the best somethingorother of the 5.5 years that Uncyc has been in existence. This month's vote is already open, and it's for the writer of the 5.5 years. So get over there, vote, and make your voice heard! Again.
Asked for his feelings on seeing his brainchild getting off the ground like this, TKFexclusively told us: "My grand-uncle used to tell me "He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth, may not come forth on the fifth!" and I feel that's somehow relevant to this situation."
Anyone pointing out that by the time this finishes, Uncyclopedia will be around 6 years old will be asked not to point it out again.
06:16, 8 September 2010 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You suck. Flaxmere too.)
04:13, 31 August 2010 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (congratulations on bringing to our attention the fact you are a moron. you win a ban!)
05:47, 29 August 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Vertiqual (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Hey now, some of my best friends suck a lot of cock.)
18:46, 27 August 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (Thank god I'm in Israel then!)
18:25, 27 August 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (According to my calculations, it's Shabbat in the 'Dam. Therefore, if you unblock yourself, you'll go to Hell. Ha ha ha!)
17:09, 21 August 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 15 Minutes (Update the score when you vote on VFH, cleaning up after you wears out my slippers)
02:44, 19 August 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked DarkWalrus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Poor edits, won't listen to advice, continuos ICU removal, smells really bad, etc. etc. god damn)
Biopic of the Week
It's time to cover a true legend of the wiki this week, a name that still inspires awed whispers wherever connoisseurs of pee are gathered together: the one, the only One-eyed Jack! OEJ, as he is more handily known, was for some time pretty much the only person who bothered to do any pee reviews at all. Fortunately, the ones he did were pretty awesome. And he had plenty of knowledge to back him up, having birthed someseriouslygoodfeaturedarticles. But Jack didn't just write for features - he turned his hand to improvement - check his userpage to see just how many below-par articles across the wiki had the benefit of his gently healing touch, nudging their prose from lame to lollable with a deft sprinkle of goodness. Man, we need more people like this guy. Where is he now, anyways?
Since you have received a feature for this, I decided to remove the block on your account first imposed by an admin who is now no longer active on Uncyclopedia. This means you can vote for your own article in September's top 10. Don't return to past battles please and I trust this will encourage future positive contributions. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 20:20, October 11, 2012 (UTC)