Wikia staff finally locates blockage in the Internet tubes: Spang's talkpage
After endless days of searching itself, Wikia has discovered the source of all its problems.
"It's not DPL," Wikia's local sexy janitor, who wished to remain anonymous, told reporters. "It's not those damn ParserFunctions either, or forums, or even Chuck Norris." When asked what the real cause of Wikia's distresses were, our source remained tight-lipped by stapling his mouth shut. Which was probably a bad idea, considering he ended up writhing in pain on the floor, bleeding all over the nice Wikia rugs. Thankfully, the UnSignpost has a trained doctor on its staff, who was sensible enough to call for medical help.
After the sexy janitor was revived, he said "rar." When further questioned about the source of all Wikia's woes, he finally admitted it was Spang's talkpage.
"Uncyclopedia user "Spang"'s refusal to archive his talkpage is slowly clogging up the arteries of the Internet," says a technical forum at Wikia. "The talkpage in question has already managed to crash all three of the computers in Australia."
Upon being asked to archive his talkpage, Spang reportedly said, "No."
When Uncyclopedia was asked to comment, the site had this to say: "FU SPANG".
UnSignpost Releases First Issue
May 8th, 2008: Uncyclopedia develops a new fungus... a newspapery one. "Through all the shockporn and Oscar Wilde references, we made it!" Founder Dr. Skullthumper said at a recent press conference. At the conference in Skullthumper's backyard, editor-in-chief Cajek, wearing a traditional light blue Mongolian Toga and screaming at birds, had more to add. "I would like to thank all the writers involved. Thank you, you gods of men. You captains of the human experience."
Police are investigating the use of strong hallucinogenic drugs during the making of the first issue. So far, the investigation has reached the top of the Unsignpost empire, when detectives found Dr. Skullthumper forcing his staff to squirt automotive door-lock de-icer up their noses to "enhance the creative joo-joo." Local police then ordered the paper to rescind two award-winning articles from its May 8th release. Two of the most hardened criminals on the UnSignpost staff, Meatbone and Spider, are currently planning revenge.
When asked if UnSignpost was, like the Daily Show, the Onion, or Uncyclopedia, popular enough to parody itself, Cajek said "No. Obviously not. We can't say we suck yet, or else people would be like 'yeah, they do suck!' We have to wait until people like us. Then, when they read us making fun of ourselves they'll be all like 'this paper ROX!'" In the meantime, the paper promises to not make fun of itself, and will stick to meta-parodying instead until "someone important says it's okay."
Heavy metal music found to be beneficial when reverting vandals
Ever find yourself stuck awake at three in the morning (EST), fighting a few vandals with no admins around? Studies show that your choice of music might influence how you revert.
In a study involving Squiggle, RAHB, Cajek, Fnoodle, Dr. Skullthumper, and Starnestommy, in which they fought diligently for Uncyclopedia through the night, heavy metal music was found to be the best for the purpose of "ass-kicking". After sprinkling some magic over the statistics, they automatically became true.
- By Dr. Skullthumper
Today, we're going to make a standard Uncyclopedia article, Cajek-style. You will need:
- Annoying text. Preferably some blinky things and <big> tags.
- A sense of humor.
- Something to complain about for a page or so.
Now, we'll combine the elements together into something that might be called an "article". In reality, all you have to do is whine for a good few pages of text, then sprinkle the annoying elements - sparingly. Add headlines and split up paragraphs to disguise your rant as a well-formatted article, and you're done!
Next week: Whoring your article
- By Cajek
Hi kids! Today, we're going to travel with me, Dr. Skullthumper, through a normal day at Uncyc!
- 9:00am: Complain about Wikia. Post new topic in Village Dump about Wikia. Troll Special:Recentchanges.
- 10:42am: Troll talk pages. Post new topic in Village Dump about some random techie shit. Bother some guy. Revert some guy's edits. Get some guy banned.
- 10:44am: spend thirty minutes on IRC talking to an admin saying how that guy was my best friend, and I never meant to hurt him.
- 12:10pm: Vandalize some guy's userpage over and over again.
- 4:92pm: Forget what I was doing. Start over.
- 5:19pm: Enact wild scheme to make Uncyclopedia that much weirder. End day.
|From our logs:
- 02:49, May 7, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Fun fact #12341: Cyberbullies have a miniature penis)
- 11:03, May 8, 2008 PantsMacKenzie (Talk | contribs) huffed "Wigger" (You people make me hate my life.)
- 11:04, May 8, 2008 PantsMacKenzie (Talk | contribs) huffed "Lee Jorde" (I mean, seriously. I have better things I could be doing than wading through cruft. But I do it anyway.)
- 11:06, May 8, 2008 PantsMacKenzie (Talk | contribs) huffed "Handcuffs" (Book 'im Danno!)
|Biopic of the Week
Drama ~ Considered the most controversial user on Uncyclopedia evah, Klaus Drama is going strong, getting on average 50 people banned per week. Having studied acting for 40 years and written his own Dadaist version of Hamlet (entitled "no-frills sarcophagus"), Klaus has much experience making people nervous and uncomfortable. With his life-long boyfriend Jizz Rick (who demanded to be in the second issue of UnSignpost) Drama is conquering Uncyc one shouting match at a time.
|Reason to Leave Uncyc of the Week
#53 Too many users leaving.
|Horoscope of the Week
Scorpio ~ Expect gains and/or losses in business affairs this week. Oh, and tell that f**cker John that UnSignpost's registered horoscopologists told you he's the one stealing food from the employee fridge, and that if he doesn't stop, the writers of this horoscope will come to his house on Brickwood Lane and trash the damn place.
|Reason to Leave Alternate Universe Uncyc of the Week
#97 Although the alien admins were nice at first, they're starting to lay eggs in our more important organs and eating our more favorite children.
|Sympathy Biopic of the Week
Optimuschris ~ An American user born in mumble mumble, Optimuschris, author of HowTo:Become Stupid in 21 days, is an up-and-coming young Uncyc user, according to, like, lots of people. Whereas he was really friendly before, now, because he appeared in the UnSignpost, "OptyC" has gotten a huge ego, and refuses to "hang" with you.
|Quote of the Week:
"I feel like throwing myself into the goatse challenging gap we created. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
- - Mordillo on the recent Goatse gap crisis