User talk:Mattsnow

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EDpolice FACT ALERT:
This user is a conspiracy nut. Proceed with caution.


Snoopy NWO

Pesky and rebellious little dog!!!

OLD TALK PAGES

Montreal article

Hey Matt...I appreciate you changing the image of the article. It was a brilliant choice...at least in my opinion. It first off sets the tone of "parody" right from the beginning and also avoids publishing yet another image of the creepy creep. I was even considering voting against, and I really really really didn't want to vote contra one of your articles. That would feel yucky. Yuck yuck yuck. With the speed you are writing, you will have 100 features in a couple months. --ShabiDOO 23:34, July 2, 2012 (UTC)

Haha, well as I said on the VFH page before changing the pic, when I wrote this aticle, the guy was still on the loose, so I thought "who knows, maybe someone will see this one and recognize him?" Then I totally forgot the article was on VFH since it was a timely one. I had to write something about this since it was big news, but it was kind of hard to make jokes about this one without very dark humor. I'll light a lantern and repent today lol Snowflake mini Mattsnow 04:13, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Hey, I wrote an UnNews

Dumbo

I'd like to have a big butcher knife in my hands and blood on my face!

It's here. Unfortunately, I see Weebils beat me to the scoop (generally speaking, of course; my angle is a little different). Let me know if you think my article is...eh..."mainspaceable" anyway. Thanks! ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 16:59 (UTC)

Hahaha, it's totally hilarious man! Put that on mainspace and I'll throw it on the VFH pile, I'm quite sure it'll do well :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:18, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
Well, VFH is kinda glutted with UnNewses right now, and this is rather a slap-dash article. But I'll certainly mainspace it now that I have permission. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 17:32 (UTC)
Done! You're right, there's a lot of UnNews on VFH, and now the PLS people are going to start nominating their stuff. Anyway, this one cracked me up! "Not gay! Remember, fellas! Write it down! 'Not gay!'" ROFL. Did you shop the 1st pic? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:38, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
Yessir. I am not the least bit pleased with it, but there ya go. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 17:53 (UTC)
I think it is awesome! If I had known sooner that the Luka Rocco Magnotta article would be featured today, I would have asked someone to take this pic and put a butcher knife in his hands and blood on his face. Would it be very tough to do? It would be hilarious! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:58, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
Um...well, are you willing to wait a few hours? I need to get some shut-eye. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 18:02 (UTC)
0.o did you want that...for the elephant? Or for the actual dude? ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 18:04 (UTC)
For the elephant! I replaced the pic in the article with it! But only if you're really into doing it, I won't be disappointed if you don't. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 18:06, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
I'll see what I can do, but if I'm twelve hours late, don't go on a rampage and kill half the editorial staff, Big Boy. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Jul 3 '12 18:07 (UTC)
Take your time, even if it takes days. I guess having a butcher knife coming from the bottom of the pic, at an angle with only the blood soaked blade visible and some blood on his face will be hilarious. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 18:12, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
Something like this, maybe? ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 4 '12 4:01 (UTC)
HAHAHAHA!!! OH man it's better than I expected! Maybe I should save it for a future article instead of putting it on the Magnotta one. You are awesome man! Thank you so much. When I'll came up with an article for it, I'll nom it on VFP, cool?Any ideas for the article? I'll certainly find one when I sober up tomorrow lol Snowflake mini Mattsnow 04:29, July 4, 2012 (UTC)
Why?:Elephants never forget ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 4 '12 4:52 (UTC)
Sounds good, this image inspire me so much I gotta think about this for a while. The original is a "teddy elephant" pic taken on my couch. As I am typing, the poor thing is 2 feet away from me lol, Imagine the shock when it saw your pic!!I want to come up with a good one. When I mainspace the article, I'll nom the pic for VFP. Until then shhhhh... :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 04:56, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

You don't know who Amelia Earhart is?

What's wrong with Canada?!?!?!?!?! --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 01:24, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

I had absolutely no idea, when I read the UnNews, I thought she was an actress, I was pretty confused. And don't YOU DARE say I live in Canada!! I live in Quebec, home of the FRENCH Quebecers!! Canada is a foreign nation!! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 03:01, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

Stop, drop and roll! It's the UnSignpost!

--Chiefjustice32X 08:15, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

I'm thinking about starting a Forum

Tell me, what do you think of this Forum idea? Forum:Are you a Matthlock? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 19:52, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

Hmmm *clears throat* I predict this would get a WTF? reaction (as all forums do) lolSnowflake mini Mattsnow 20:02, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
So is that a yes or a no? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:09, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
This is a "do as you wish" lol Snowflake mini Mattsnow 20:19, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
Well I made it. Would you like to participate in it? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:31, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

9/11 Commission

Hey bro! I noticed this article was never featured. And I think I know why. Would you like me to do the same thing as I did with the Grove and then we can renom it? I know a lot about the subject. And it's a hell of a "theory". But this is a clear case of: if the facts don't support the theory, then change the facts. Or rather, have all the "facts" in advance. And have all the key facts live on-air within two hours. The entire prefab story. People say, "How could they keep it secret?" And what people really mean is , "Why doesn't the media report the truth?" Well, just look at the truth. And who owns the media? And who controls DOJ? And just follow the money - where-ever the money comes from, that's where the so-called "facts" come from. Who benefits from war? Gandhi said there is no path to peace, rather peace is the path. And peace, like health, doesn't pay. Anyway, you know all this. Should I make a collab out of 9/11 Commission? Cheers--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 20:45, Jul 5

Yes, man, go ahead, when it was nominated, a guy voted against and said "It's funny, but not true" lol. I have made small changes since, but go ahead, can't wait to see what it's gonna look like :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 20:51, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

QVFD

Hi, Matt. (Winge winge winge.) Just letting you know that it would be helpful from now on if, when you are QVFDing a page, you could also mark that page as patrolled? Remember? That feature we got turned on? Patrolling a page lets other schmucks know that the page has already been checked. Thanks! ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usFri, Jul 6 '12 13:25 (UTC) Also if you could do some patrolling yourself, that would be awesome. If I got everybody on the site to do it, we could all get away with doing 10 or so a day!

I asked a question on my forum

Is it okay to put a new section below the voting section on a forum? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 21:13, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

Yes of course bro. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:28, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
WICKED A! Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 21:37, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

Deer Mattsnow (What part was it again?): Do you still know me?

Deer Mattsnow (What part was it again?): Do you still know me? How are you? What going on? What's Quebec? Is it a parody of Russia? What time is it? How are you? Unknown user 13:18, July 7, 2012 (UTC)

Forum

Incase you didn't realise theres an official unofficial vote about the new admin selection process. It seems like a golden compromise about problems various users have had, which I suppose is sort of okay (though i still think theres no reason why users shouldnt help decide if there should be an admin or not), except there is a disturbing notion of the admins deciding behind the users backs if there should be new admins or not. Its all happening here --ShabiDOO 13:01, July 8, 2012 (UTC)

Okami

Quite surprising I took this out from the closet huh? I've been recently looking at my articles, editing and deleting most of my shitty things, but then I come upon this... Uh. Too hard. As I remember you have reviewed it once upon a time, (at least I hope so) I ask if you're not too busy with things and help me make this better aarticle. You have time? Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 15:24, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

I did some archeological searches and found the 2 pee reviews about it and put them on the article's talk page, that should help. I would really like to help, but my problem is I don't know this game at all in the first place, so I can't do much... BTW, do you know why the template atop my talk page is not centered anymore?? Nobody changed the code. I iz don't get it! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 15:42, July 10, 2012 (UTC)
For me it seems to be centered? Also, Okami. Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 15:51, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)
No sorry it's not... It seems that if you put <center> infront of the template, it gets centered. But when you put </center>, it does not work any more...? Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 15:55, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)
SORRY I'm insane. But now it's centered. You're welcome. Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 15:57, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)
Once again, sorry. There was a weird div-code in the template which prevented to use center for some odd reason, made a new version in your userspace which now works: User:Mattsnow/Template:Fact Alert Mattsnow Edition
You're welcome! : ) Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 16:04, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)
I don't understand anything at all, but thanks a lot! It wasn't an issue with my PC, was it? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:47, July 10, 2012 (UTC)
Don't understand about Okami or the center-problem? I just put <center> into that template itself and center worked. I believe it wasn't your PC's problem because it affected in mine too... I put center many times on this page, and it worked once and then stopped working. I don't understand anything at all either... But it works now, so that's a good thing! Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 17:10, 11 July, 2012 (UTC)


Where you disappear to?

Main news has title and text that don't match, don't know how to change it so I am bothering you! Email me back you Quebec person from Canada... If you go quiet I think Uncyclopedia has blown up. Ooh and check out a newer dude and his article on a headless swimmer - give him a nice hello, the article made me laugh and he may well write more good ones with encouragement. Well bye for now lover of elephants. Ticklethekeys (talk) 01:09, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

Whoops, thanks for telling me! I'll mail you soon :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 02:24, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

My great love...

You know you love me

I know you care

Just shout whenever,

And I'll be there

You want my love

You want my heart

And we would never, ever, ever be apart


And I was like

Baby, baby, baby ooh Like

Baby, baby, baby noo Like

Baby, baby, baby ohh

--ShabiDOO 03:44, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

That is the brutalest thing I've ever seen. You're evil! Altough Mattsnow was too but this... Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz Sleeping Cat 10:30, 15 July, 2012 (UTC)

Do you think...

That the new logo on my userpage is too large? (I wanted to make sure it was large enough for people to read.) Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 19:58, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

It looks alright! :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:33, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

I want to thank you...

...for being so helpful on my recent UnNews. Nice use of anachronism on the "Wadlow voting" picture! --A rose for you the dorky contralto Mexico flag Samsung flag korea Flag of Brazil Flag of Bangladesh 02:24, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for your last message. Really appreciated your input. Later I will see if I can actually write an article about Wadlow. :) --A rose for you the dorky contralto Mexico flag Samsung flag korea Flag of Brazil Flag of Bangladesh 03:08, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

you

make me feel redundant. Good work, lol. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 07:07, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

We've got boner for news! It's the UnSignpost!

--Chiefjustice32X 16:52, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

I wrote an article

How would you like to review it for me? I know the idea is a tad bit overused but what can I say. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:40, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

Hey Matt!

I finally wrote the article on Robert Wadlow! Would you like to make it better? --A rose for you the dorky contralto Mexico flag Samsung flag korea Flag of Brazil Flag of Bangladesh 00:22, July 21, 2012 (UTC)

Kim Jong-un

Our current article in this is definitely sub-par. The work you have done relating to him has been really good. How would you feel about doing a rewrite on it. (Because as it stands I'd rather just set it up as a redirect to your earlier featured UnNews.)                               Puppy's talk page04:46 21 Jul

It may be a good topic, but I won't do it for now, so better make it a redirect. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 20:17, July 21, 2012 (UTC)


Co-write?

I have a good idea, but I need money now! Call J.G. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW, 877-CASH NOW...

Or a co-writer-er. Up for it? A (Ruins) 14:19, 23 July 2012

I'll have to decline, I have a couple unfinished articles and not much time.. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 02:40, July 24, 2012 (UTC)

Hi Matt

I just saw your name on recent changes, and whooped silently with joy that you are still around. You are one of the treasures here. I'm only on for a little while every week or two now, and have actually enjoyed getting away from the site. But I will be back!!!! I shall return!!! I'll whore the Phil Ochs page if you haven't voted on it as yet, Ochs is one of the best of the best activists of the 1960s and I try to honor him accordingly. And I see Puppy is back!!!!!!! The joy overfloweth. Al 16:32 July 25, '12

Cool, I hope you come back more often! I will read it soon, I'm a little tired after ingesting 2 xanax. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:22, July 25, 2012 (UTC)
Two xanax???? What are you, a pillhead, a popper, an addict to the child-safety capped bottle? Do you have any regard for those of use who have no xanax? Al later gator
LOL, it's for panic attacks, it had been a while since it happened and it was a big one. Now I'm ok, but this stuff hits like a hammer. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:48, July 25, 2012 (UTC)

Get Your UnSignPost! Now More Respected Than The Town Crier!

--OliOmniOmbudsman Dumbo 15:15, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

I'm planning on writing this article

It's about a man being harassed by a dentist from Afghanistan. However, I'm uncertain if it should be a regular article or an UnScript. There will be some parts in my work that are going to be very dialogue-driven so I'm thinking it should be an UnScript, but on the other hand, there are other parts that are going to be spoken by the main character only; and likewise, there'll be some parts that are solely the Afghan dentist's monologue and explanation.

So I'm thinking UnScripts probably but I am uncertain. What do you think?

(Also can you run over to McDonalds and get me a McChicken? I'm real hungry for one right now.) Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:19, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Deer Mattsnow: In 3D!

Hello. Hi. How are you. I'm just passing by. I miss this place. Reminds me of food. So, what's about this retro thing happening here? Rj2399 (talk) 02:26, July 29, 2012 (UTC)

LOL, well, the writers are so lazy that they decided to refeature old classics. please come back bro, I'd like to write an article about either Rammstein or Metallica but I just can't get it started by lack of ideas. We could collab there if you are interested! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 09:04, July 29, 2012 (UTC)
Sure, I would love to. But I only come around on weekends so we might have a slow development. I'm sure we might work something out. So when do we start? --Rj2399 (talk) 02:50, July 30, 2012 (UTC)
Whenever you want! I'll try to start a little something today or tomorrow. Would you like Metallica or Rammstein better? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 09:31, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

Just looking for advice.

I just wrote Doody and I was wondering if you could look through it and tell me if it's funny or just plain stupid. Thanks. :) --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 13:51, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

ROFL this is hilarious! I went on wikipedia to see what the solvay conferences were, it's a proof the article is very interesting as I was intrigued. By the 2nd paragraph I was laughing! I recommend not to add too much stuff (if at all) or else it could stretch the joke a little too much, unless you think of something awesome. I will put it on VFH when that stupid Martial Law crap is lifted. BTW, this limitation is quite stupid; we're always trying to get people to vote, and now that there's a "break" for features because of retro week, it would be good to put 30 articles there so votes stack. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 15:56, July 30, 2012 (UTC)
I agree. This Martial Law thing is dumb. I was gonna nom an article but I couldn't. Now I don't remember what it was. --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 19:08, July 30, 2012 (UTC)
Oh yeah, thanks for the advice and kind words. I just realized that I'm a moron and I never said that. --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 22:17, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
I was just seething with anger! :P I tried to add some sections to the Constitution, but all I did was stare at the edit screen for 10 minutes, couldn't think of anything :S. But I have a good one coming up, I'll whore when I'm totally finished fine tuning it. I hope the lack of activity is due to summer vacations, it's quite low. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 22:36, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
I've attempted to add to the Constitution as well, but whatever I write down just isn't funny. Who knew it would be so hard to make fun of the US legal system? --Pwn head Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 22:40, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
American jurisprudence is already hilarious. Maybe U.S. Constitution will give you some ideas. Spıke ¬ 21:52 2-Aug-12

You missed my first message but that's all right

Besides that article idea, tell me what you think of these ideas.

  1. I'm planning on writing an article on Last Man Standing. I'm definitely going to write it in the style of Tim Allen's character. If you haven't heard of the show, I recommend you read up on it and watch a couple of episodes to get the gist of it.
  2. I'm also planning on this article. It's more of an idea right now. It's called Absolutely Polandtastic. I got that idea when I was eating kielbasa and pierogies last night. I think it could work, once I get a full grasp on what I'm going to write for that article plan.
  3. Also, have you read up on my message about my article idea about an Afghan dentist?

Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:27, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry to have missed the message bro! Yes, I think Unscipt would work best for that, and I think the "Last Man Standing" article is a great idea! I'm not sure about the Polandtastic thing, but I like the way you got the idea LOL Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:31, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Rammstein

Rammstein Herzeleid

I think Rammstein would be better. Just look at their album cover. I think that we could make lots of jokes about them. Anyway, where did you put the parts that you made?. --Rj2399 (talk) 04:13, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I didn't make any XD. Feel free to start it and shoot me the link, if you don't I'll start it tonight. I know Rammstein kinda well, it should be a great topic! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 10:37, August 4, 2012 (UTC)
Just started a little something, feel free to add some! User:Mattsnow/Rammstein Snowflake mini Mattsnow 11:47, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I remember finding this popup on the web yesterday

...And I've been wondering, do you think I should have said yes? 17636979757998178217 I wanted to but I've had some bad experiences with women named Stephanie in the past. But what do you think? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 16:45, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I think people that are chatting on the net with what they think is a pretty girl are probably chatting with a 300 pounds hairy guy or with Chris Hansen! XD Snowflake mini Mattsnow 00:05, August 5, 2012 (UTC)
Yeah, why I said that I've bad experiences with women named Stephanie in the past is because I remember there was this girl named Stephanie who used to stalk me. Now the Stephanie who stalked me doesn't look like the one in the picture (thank God), but still because of her I have unease with girls with that name. I'd think you'd hate the Stephanie who stalked me too because Stephanie the stalker is from.... wait for it, Saskatchewan. Yeah, I don't like any sort of Canadian besides the Quebeckers (like you). Still, I thought that this Stephanie is probably a different girl. She's got nice eyes, I have to admit.
The Stephanie who stalked me sort of looked like this. Cthulhu :| Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 16:46, August 18, 2012 (UTC)
Uhm, Mattsnow. Mattsnow? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:45, August 23, 2012 (UTC)
Mattsnow. Answer your message, please. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:01, August 31, 2012 (UTC)

Foolitzer and other awards under attack, yearly awards too, like, huh?

Are you aware of this? Aleister 18:00 8-7-'012

Thanks for the head's up, I didn't even know what the forum was about! Of course we have to keep the Foolitzer Prize, 2 new "Funnybony" emerged: Weebils and Ticklethekeys. Plus Funnybony himself and a lot of others! The UnNews are really great these times, and there's a lot of them. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:19, August 7, 2012 (UTC)

Horoscopes

I have perused your shit, and I have concluded that you are a funny genius, a veritable king of satire. And I, for my part, am a shameless sycophant. This, obviously, can be the start of a beautiful friendship. Please read my hilarious-ass horoscopes from days of yore. And read my UnNews contributions, from those same bygone days. You will find that I, too, am a hilarious genius. Your name came up when I returned to this hallowed satirical ground after hiding in a hovel for years (understandably), and requested the youngsters to take me to their UnNews leader. When I was an active Unencyclopedian, we used the phrase being italic to mean that we should just do shit we care to do and not fucking ask any idiots if it's ok, so asking you (the idiot) for permission is decidedly NOT what I'm doing. What I AM doing is engaging you - in your comedic genius UnNewsiness - in my desire to restart my UnAstrology effort with a particular emphasis on my sub-desire to include a link to same on the UnNews front page. You see, I'm not just a sycophant, I am a narcissistic sycophant, which is either the best or worst kind, which what is the difference there after all? I am also fond of run-on sentences, as long as they make me giggle. So are we clear here, or do I have to spell it out? Fine, I'll be more mobster about it all: Get me an UnNews front page link if you ever want to see unmitigated genius satirical horoscopes again. Make it worth my while. Capeesh? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 02:27, August 8, 2012 (UTC)

No, but I guess it is to be expected lol. Feel free to come out of hibernation and shake the icicles that are restraining you, and I shall open the door of UnNews glamorous spots! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 02:57, August 8, 2012 (UTC)
Please sir - excoriate the Holy Jesus out of me for my pitiful wiki editing skills as I have been italic all over the UnNews front page with my shitty horoscopes. I mean it. I learn best from severe excoriations. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:03, August 10, 2012 (UTC)
You may want to ask Zombiebaron, I gotta admit it's the first time someone asks me about the horoscope and I don't really know how it works. But I don't see the italics.... Snowflake mini Mattsnow 19:14, August 10, 2012 (UTC)
I was asking about wiki editing (back in my day we used to call it being italic when we would go and change something without asking - it had nothing to do with actual italics. Don't ask me why. Anyway refer to my last edit of the UnNews main page in the history for the changeI'm talking about). Is Zombiebaron the man for formatting things nicely on the UnNews front page and all that stuff then? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:42, August 10, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, I saw what you did! The reason why I didn't remember the horoscope thing probably was because it didn't exist. lol Great initiative, do you know how to put that thing on shuffle? I basically read all the UnNews and make sure the 2 templates are maintained, but I am not good at all with formatting, so for giganormously fancy formatting, you should ask the above zombie. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 20:44, August 10, 2012 (UTC)
Shuffle isn't appropriate for this effort - the plan is to write new horoscopes every week, like I used to a long time ago. Shuffle is for normal, lazy Uncyclopedians who just want to write seven things, set them on shuffle and quit. Quitters. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:31, August 12, 2012 (UTC)

Apology

Remember my reply from not so long ago? "Sorry for the late reply...but go do it :D" That wasn't me. I guess that's what I get for leaving my Facebook/Uncyclopedia accounts open. Anyway, I would also like to apologise for editing the template by myself, I was excited because I was working on my 1st UnNews article. (Pssst, Zombiebaron made me do it.)--Bp2611 23:12, August 8, 2012 (UTC)

No need for eye protection, it's the UnSignpost!

--Chiefjustice32X 07:07, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews question

What determines which stories will be on the UnNews front page? I saw mine today, and I must say, I am really glad that someone liked it.--Bp2611 08:45, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

They have to be reasonably funny. I got to admit, a lot of them are very good, but it happens that I think one isn't quite ready, then I ask somebody else if I'm dreaming. If they agree with me that it needs more work, I ping-pong it back in the writer's userspace. That means I liked yours :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 08:52, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

Hold your head high

Unnews-czar-medal

Offered with devotion to those deserving saints who stood for truth, justice and the American way

--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 07:18, Aug 16

Ding!

I added some parts in Rammstein. Hope you like them. :) --Rj2399 (talk) 11:58, August 19, 2012 (UTC)

Teaching moment

So here's a good one. In your reign, what do you think you would have done with this one? I have an idea, but I want to bounce it off of you just to get some advice. Thanks. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:08, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

I'd either correct the typos myself if it's funny, or move it to the user's userspace if it isn't, and notify him. In that case, it's terribly unfunny I think, and I sure would have userspaced it, even though I was really "tolerant". But be nice and diplomatic in your message to the author if you do like I'd have done, nahmean? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 22:35, August 20, 2012 (UTC)
User spacing it is good advice. In this case, it seems to me that there may also be a second-language issue. I will find a way to approach that subject tactfully. I hope. Thanks. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:35, August 20, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, and one more thing - under your iron-fist-in-velvet-glove rule, did you write articles, and if you did, did you put them up on the lead yourself? I think I don't want to do it generally, but I also think I may have a legitimate (no pun intended) feature on my hands if I say so myself. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:39, August 20, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I did write some, and I was not the least bit shy about putting them up on the lead lol. Only, I made sure not to let them there longer than I would do with any other decent article. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 01:25, August 21, 2012 (UTC)
Hahaha, it is a good one! Also, I made sure all the UnNews articles had at least 2 categories. It would make it easier if you had hotcat enabled in "your preferences". Also, Weebils consistently writes very good ones, but he's not good with a wiki, and I never saw him write anything on anybody's talk page except his own, answering to me. He's a good guy though, don't be afraid to say hello, because this guy wrote like 10 or 15 good ones a month. And if you stumble across a great, hilarious one, don't be shy about throwing it on the VFH pile, especially in times of drought (like now). That's what I did anyway. I don't have much time for writing, but there will certainly be UnNews from me sooner or later. If you have other questions, I'll be happy to help! :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 01:34, August 21, 2012 (UTC)

Pee Review?

Plunging-toilet We need your PEE!

Good day loyal PEEING member.The management was wondering if you had
noticed the state of the toilet recently. We appear to have developed something of
a blockage
, and wondered if you might have a plunger handy.

Possibly you are one of the rare PEEING members who does actually do regular reviews,
in which case please flush this message immediately, otherwise...

It's time you reviewed something you lazy bum!

--Chiefjustice32X 18:12, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

God hates

No drama - too soon for that. I just have a fellow UnNewser very respectfully lodging a complaint based on what I have tried to explain is a clear misunderstanding of what is being satirized here and how. I realize I'm writing this to you before I've even given him or her a chance to reply, and I know you are not the Ombudsman of UnNews, but he or she is speaking for you, so I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in either supporting my analysis or verifying his or her claim - and perhaps if you feel that, as two people now have misunderstood the article for not reading the source (though the first one accepted the explanation), there may be a case here for it being out of bounds. If you do feel that, I can accept it, though I'll smugly and self-importantly mutter something about this place being beneath my unfathomable brilliance. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:16, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

ChiefjusticeDS enjoys buttsex: The UnSignpost!

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 08:22, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks...

For voting me as Perv of the Month. As a reward, I will not bang your girlfriend. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:33, September 5, 2012 (UTC)

Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

--Chiefjustice32X 10:51, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

Moving to user space

So I just found out that I don't know how to move an article to a user space. When I hit the move button, I can change the space portion of the title to "User talk", but, to chane it to the author's user space, do I simply enter the user name in the title box before the article title, with a colon? The article in question is UnNews:NASA discovers Hot Dogs in Space - I will add a note to the user's talk page about why I made this decision, but the language needs major improvement AND I feel that the humor of it is extremely weak - a bad pun taken too far is certainly no longer fun if it ever was. Anyways, that's why. It's my first time making this decision, you see. Thanks. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:05, September 7, 2012 (UTC)

you seem to edit less, this saddens me

you need to edit more, or I will continue to be sad. Don't make me sad :( ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 10:43, September 11, 2012 (UTC)

Hello!

Wakey wakey sleepy head! Time to head over to Magic man's chamber of secrets - if you know what I mean and discuss our options. Don't you dare forget the collab! lol --POP!GoesTheWeasel Evil-clown 14:47, October 29, 2012 (UTC)

Beginner’s beg

Hello. I uploaded this one, my first contribution on uncyclopedia: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File:Alphabetisation_of_Paris.jpg , it’s the first idea that came immediately to me when I saw the picture, and I found nothing else about since three weeks. Would it be convenient for the articel about the letter A? I precise that I’m not alphabetised yet, I live at 400 km far from Paris, the letter A didn’t reach my remote area, and furthermore we are confused in our region by Gothic alphabet while Germany is at 15km from here. Mypoorlugar (talk) 22:03, November 5, 2012 (UTC)

Who starts the article?

Now that we've reached some form of conclusion, Magic man is suggesting someone starts an article. Problem is, no one has. Or has someone already started an article. Forgive my ignorance, it is contributed from my inactivity because I recently moved into a new home and as you know, in the first few days, my Internet gets real horny and stuff. --POP!GoesTheWeasel Evil-clown 04:09, November 8, 2012 (UTC)

John Travolta

I wrote my first unyclopedia article, John Travolta, what do you reckon? --~Leverage 12:08, November 14, 2012 (UTC)

Extra! Extra! News that's not new to you!

 ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Nov 20 '12 8:59 (UTC)

The UnSignpost! Cancel Your Subscription Today!

 ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usThu, Nov 29 '12 5:25 (UTC)

Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) Beeverpedia ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:56 (UTC)

Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

-- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 14:04, Dec. 12, 2012

Have you been gone?

Did you take a break? If so, I'm glad you might be back, especially with all the stuff that's going to go down here with WIKIA and with some admins organizing a new site for uncyclopedia, it'll get crazy man. I wish WIKIA would give in a little bit, and do some negotiating about content and that stupid entrance template (it can be vastly improved at a minimum). But then what will the new site be like. The proposals and discussions will be like flypaper. What are your best pages lately? I wanna see, I wanna see!!!! Al 1:18 15-1212

Spam

Matt, just got spam from your account (regarding a work-at-home scam) that did not seem as though it was you typing. Is someone mining your address book? Spıke ¬ 15:26 15-Dec-12

p.s. Matt...I just got spam from your account too. Sends you to a link that looks like CBS business news, but its a fake (work-at-home) site as SPIKE says. --ShabiDOO 15:43, December 15, 2012 (UTC)

There are some web businesses (how you say "foreign dating"?) where open access to one's address book is part of the Terms and Conditions that we never read. Dare I say: There oughta be a law? Spıke ¬ 16:03 15-Dec-12

Same here. Dude, you've got a virus on your computer. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSat, Dec 15 '12 18:08 (UTC)

Concur (in which case my above guess is wrong)--nothing in the email suggests that it came from a third party with borrowed information on recipients; it appears to come from Matt himself. Spıke ¬ 18:26 15-Dec-12

No way I sent you guys this crap! I also receive some from time to time. I'm gonna scan my PC with my antivirus... Snowflake mini Mattsnow 22:37, December 15, 2012 (UTC)
I suggest Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware (free version), and then getting a decent email client such as Thunderbird, if you don't already have one. Also, you should Buy My Product! ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSun, Dec 16 '12 9:55 (UTC)
I can't access my e-mail account anymore. Fuck! The PC is scanning with that anti virus you linked to, BB. How do I change the e-mail accounts for my FB and all that?? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:12, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
Zheesh. That's hard core Matt. I wish I knew how to help you but I have NO clue. --ShabiDOO 22:04, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
Don't infect the rest of us, TypoidMatt. Get away. Yech, you coughed code on us, fuck, fix his ass, get away. And how do we know this is you talking here, it could be the thing. Oh fuck, I'm gettin outta here. no time to sign my fucking name, (sound of running can be heard)
MATTSNOW HAS TYPOID! You brought disease into our wiki! GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE YOUR TYPIOD WITH YOU. You can leave your badge and gun on the desk. NOW GO! Go before you infect us and our fingers start to fall off. --ShabiDOO 22:51, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
I created a new e-mail address, changed all my passwords. If you receive crap from me, well it's not me lol Snowflake mini Mattsnow 23:17, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
So you're claiming that you are completely clean and don't have anymore Typoid to spread around? --ShabiDOO 23:57, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
My former e-mail will continue to spread shit I guess. Just trash it should it shoot typhoid and AIDS around. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 01:19, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

Matt, any virus is in your PC, not in your e-mail address. When you type your new e-mail address into your e-mail application (Outlook, Thunderbird, or whatever), any sophisticated virus (and it sounds as though this one is) will start using that instead. Separately, I deleted your additional information from my talk page and did not click on the link, as showing me the clever web page you were directed to could well also be the source of the infection. Spıke ¬ 01:23 17-Dec-12

Meh...everyone has AIDS these days. Nothing to worry about. I have heard though that there is this new straight people disease going around. Makes people to really strange things. I don't quite remember what its called. Maybe you or someone else does. --ShabiDOO 01:25, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
I scanned the PC with the Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware BB recommended and it didn't detect any virus. I'll run Norton's. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 03:37, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
The originating IP listed in the email I got is 41.108.13.96, an Algeria Telecom IP, and if neither Norton nor MBAM find anything on your computer, I think you are virus-free, so SPIKE is probably right. Somebody in Algeria stole your password. Either (1) you accidentally gave your password to a phisher or spoofer, or (2) your password is "password" or "12345678" (or "qwertyuiop"). There's also a possibility that there's a cross-site-scripting (XSS) vulnerability in one of the sites where you use your email to log on, such as Facebook or Twitter, but I find this less likely, as such exploits are usually used to craft links that end up spamming Facebook or Twitter, not steal your email account password. If you are able to reset your passwords and challenge-questions, I think you'll probably be ok. You might also try contacting Microsoft and alerting them that your account has been co-opted. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Dec 17 '12 12:16 (UTC)

Kiddie porn; and Sheep porn

Bizzeebeever discreetly omits: (3) One of the dozens of porn sites you visit. Especially after clicking YES to free software to let you view those soft, jiggly things of which Wikia no longer lets us speak. You can deny it, Matt, but as we say, the proof is in the pudding. Spıke ¬ 12:49 17-Dec-12

MBAM usually catches stuff like that. It also reviews your porn and reports you if it finds any girls who look underage. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Dec 17 '12 13:23 (UTC)

Oooh! Can I set it to pre-screen?! Spıke ¬ 13:45 17-Dec-12

Only if you purchase the Pro version. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Dec 17 '12 14:01 (UTC)
And now...to speculate...just what kind of porn sites Mattsnow visits!!! --ShabiDOO 15:05, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
So this Algerian mofo controls it and changed the password... What can I do? Order Stephen Harper to bomb the place to rubble? This is a direct attack on the motherland!! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 18:58, December 17, 2012 (UTC)
Like I said, I'd contact Hotmail/Microsoft and let 'em know the account was compromised. I would note that all of your logins up until now have been from Quebec, and NOW they're from Algeria; they can check that out, and at least shut down the account, even if they don't restore your access to it. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Dec 17 '12 19:48 (UTC)
Wow! so, that's not Matt typing to us even now?! Spıke ¬ 20:13 17-Dec-12
I'm leaning towards either "Persian cat on the keyboard" or "illiterate Uzbek sheep-slapper". ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Dec 17 '12 20:46 (UTC)
Is there a hidden message in there that you think Mattsnow likes Sheep porn? --ShabiDOO 23:29, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

Would any of you citizens of the Commonwealth undertake to give an actual comedy theme to Sheep (which I discussed today with Modusoperandi)? Spıke ¬ 23:40 17-Dec-12

Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) Beeverpedia ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:30 (UTC)

I come dressed as a whore

Hello Sailor! Psst, check this out, if you like what you see then she'll visit you long time. Ummmmmmmm, whores. (have you read the page yet? If you didn't like it, never mind, move along, nothing to see here.} Come back full time, or at least 20 minutes a day, heh? Al no time in a black hole

p.s. And HowTo:Beet off is no slacker either. Beeting off in a black hole is my cup of tea (there is no tea in team). That's what I have to say. And when is Puppy when we miss him, sigh. Al

2013

Hey buddy, thanks for the good wishes. I'm sure you'll have a blast. If you're in Quebec city, I remember the fireworks being uber cool! Indeed, let's get Krypton polished and featured...and then convince Ali and Magicman to get the "spam" article going! :) Happy new year b*tch mo fo. --ShabiDOO 03:15, December 31, 2012 (UTC)

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) Beeverpedia ~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:21 (UTC) Chief zapped me in the unsignpost, but he was making different sounds last night - with my grandma. Hahahahahaheheheheheeheheheheeetc. I was all set to vote against the don't vote for my dog page too, but I ended up voting for the dog. So my only question is, did you vote? If you did please consider changing your vote, because I don't fucking believe I voted for it and want lots of company. If you didn't vote, never mind. Aleister 1:27 3-1-'13

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