User talk:Mattsnow

FACT ALERT: This user is a conspiracy nut. Proceed with caution.

Pesky and rebellious little dog!!!

OLD TALK PAGES

Montreal article

Hey Matt...I appreciate you changing the image of the article. It was a brilliant choice...at least in my opinion. It first off sets the tone of "parody" right from the beginning and also avoids publishing yet another image of the creepy creep. I was even considering voting against, and I really really really didn't want to vote contra one of your articles. That would feel yucky. Yuck yuck yuck. With the speed you are writing, you will have 100 features in a couple months. --ShabiDOO 23:34, July 2, 2012 (UTC)

Haha, well as I said on the VFH page before changing the pic, when I wrote this aticle, the guy was still on the loose, so I thought "who knows, maybe someone will see this one and recognize him?" Then I totally forgot the article was on VFH since it was a timely one. I had to write something about this since it was big news, but it was kind of hard to make jokes about this one without very dark humor. I'll light a lantern and repent today lol Mattsnow 04:13, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Hey, I wrote an UnNews

I'd like to have a big butcher knife in my hands and blood on my face!

It's here. Unfortunately, I see Weebils beat me to the scoop (generally speaking, of course; my angle is a little different). Let me know if you think my article is...eh..."mainspaceable" anyway. Thanks! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 16:59 (UTC)

Hahaha, it's totally hilarious man! Put that on mainspace and I'll throw it on the VFH pile, I'm quite sure it'll do well :P Mattsnow 17:18, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Well, VFH is kinda glutted with UnNewses right now, and this is rather a slap-dash article. But I'll certainly mainspace it now that I have permission. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 17:32 (UTC)

Done! You're right, there's a lot of UnNews on VFH, and now the PLS people are going to start nominating their stuff. Anyway, this one cracked me up! "Not gay! Remember, fellas! Write it down! 'Not gay!'" ROFL. Did you shop the 1st pic? Mattsnow 17:38, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Yessir. I am not the least bit pleased with it, but there ya go. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 17:53 (UTC)

I think it is awesome! If I had known sooner that the Luka Rocco Magnotta article would be featured today, I would have asked someone to take this pic and put a butcher knife in his hands and blood on his face. Would it be very tough to do? It would be hilarious! Mattsnow 17:58, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Um...well, are you willing to wait a few hours? I need to get some shut-eye. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 18:02 (UTC)

0.o did you want that...for the elephant? Or for the actual dude? ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 18:04 (UTC)

For the elephant! I replaced the pic in the article with it! But only if you're really into doing it, I won't be disappointed if you don't. Mattsnow 18:06, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

I'll see what I can do, but if I'm twelve hours late, don't go on a rampage and kill half the editorial staff, Big Boy. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Jul 3 '12 18:07 (UTC)

Take your time, even if it takes days. I guess having a butcher knife coming from the bottom of the pic, at an angle with only the blood soaked blade visible and some blood on his face will be hilarious. Mattsnow 18:12, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Something like this, maybe? ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, Jul 4 '12 4:01 (UTC)

HAHAHAHA!!! OH man it's better than I expected! Maybe I should save it for a future article instead of putting it on the Magnotta one. You are awesome man! Thank you so much. When I'll came up with an article for it, I'll nom it on VFP, cool?Any ideas for the article? I'll certainly find one when I sober up tomorrow lol Mattsnow 04:29, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

Why?:Elephants never forget ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Wed, Jul 4 '12 4:52 (UTC)

Sounds good, this image inspire me so much I gotta think about this for a while. The original is a "teddy elephant" pic taken on my couch. As I am typing, the poor thing is 2 feet away from me lol, Imagine the shock when it saw your pic!!I want to come up with a good one. When I mainspace the article, I'll nom the pic for VFP. Until then shhhhh... :P Mattsnow 04:56, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

You don't know who Amelia Earhart is?

What's wrong with Canada?!?!?!?!?! -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 01:24, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

I had absolutely no idea, when I read the UnNews, I thought she was an actress, I was pretty confused. And don't YOU DARE say I live in Canada!! I live in Quebec, home of the FRENCH Quebecers!! Canada is a foreign nation!! Mattsnow 03:01, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

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July 5th, 2012 • Issue 169 • You'd be crazy not to listen!

Reform and change By Chief Pictured: VFS It was the winds of change that wafted through the UnSignpost office this week, at least that's what we assume the smell is. This week's topic of change is the ever popular Vote for Sysops/Sandwiches. What's wrong with it? It's not good enough that's what. VFS has always been something of an old standby for the UnSignpost, it has drama, it has thrills, it has the invariable abuse of power and crushing of dissenting opinions. It has everything that made Uncyclopedia what it is today. With so many positives- did we mention the abuse of power? The drama? With so many positives it is hard to believe that anyone would ever wish to be rid of VFS, but it seems there is always one bold revolutionary desperate to spoil everybody else's fun. This week's bold revolutionary role is played jointly by Saberwolf116 and Lyrithya. Shocking really, after all Lyrithya always seemed so happy with how everything on Uncyclopedia was run and hasn't tried to change a thing since she got here. She favours scrapping VFS altogether and introducing a system similar to that used on Wikipedia. This correspondent would like to share the advice of his estranged father with Lyrithya: "If you like Wikipedia so much why don't you go and live there?". Lyrithya should go and live on wikipedia where her precious '"equality" and "accountability" can exist, she can leave us to fester in our misery, we've been enjoying that for several years. Saberwolf116 meanwhile is a splendid well-meaning fellow who has no idea that it is in fact quicksand full of shards of broken glass that he has unwittingly stepped into. Saberwolf proposes a system similar to a discussion board where everyone discusses and agrees who is the best candidate for the job, they are then appointed and begin doing a splendid job, perhaps while we are all living in Saberwolf's fantasy world we could all visit the Marshmallow planet and grow enormous beards. Saberwolf had this to say about his plans to abolish the voting: "Let's vote", so he is off to a good start. Lyrithya meanwhile proposes that we let people nominate themselves at any time and if they're good enough we make them an administrator, it's a good idea and it works on wikipedia, but so would Aztec human sacrifice if the arbitration committee suggested it. Satan deciding that admin votes should count double in the first round of VFS. Sycamore also appears to be formulating a system based on letting the administrators decide everything until the final stage which the UnSignpost is sure will go down a storm amongst a group who feel that letting administrators' votes count double in the first stage of the current VFS is a breathtaking abuse of position and power, which can only have been instituted on the instruction of Satan and his demonic minions. The discussion continues on the forum, though based on the current state of affairs you are unlikely to be made an administrator unless your mum is "ghey", which means RAHB is safer than anybody. On a lighter note Qzekrom suggests an article feedback tool be added to the bottom of articles so people can rate the article, some may remember we scrapped a scoring system for articles because "Nobody ever uses the thing". Anybody wishing to let an author know about the ghey-ness of their mum or how terrible their article is are encouraged to make use of the talk page, or have a go at using Pee Review, that's why most people use it. PLSURPRISE! By Chief Yes, the Poo Lit Surprise competition has concluded. There was a tremendous amount of ceremony as Zombiebaron closed the competition having completed all his adding up. It was something of a news item in of itself that there were no ties and a clear winner was found in every single category. The grand champion was Modusoperandi who wrote a splendid article about the Slender Loris. You should read it, you should vote for it. You should vote for everything and anything. The competition runner-up was Thekillerfroggy who successfully came second more than everybody else. He must be very proud. He wrote HowTo:Meet women, which is quite ironic when you think about it, he also wrote Freezer, which isn't ironic, even if you think about it. You should nominate these articles and then vote on them. Shabidoo's retro week idea that we thoroughly ridiculed the other week sits sickeningly on the Village Dump flaunting its garish imagery and mocking the forum's otherwise sombre tone. This forum still exists despite the issue it was created to challenge having been resolved, though it does seem to be nearing the record for the most votes on a single forum topic. Finally, the top 3 of the month has moved to the forum because it is easier to vote on it by phone. If we are altering things to make them easier to edit from a phone we should probably move the entire wiki into a forum. Happy Thursday!

Check out these pages! You don't! It does! Vote! Boat! From our logs: 05:22, July 4, 2012 Modusoperandi (talk | contribs) blocked 68.63.193.235 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (he eat fat dicks too hahhhhaaahha niches this shit is fake and the booze who wrote can a fat ass dick like their mother hahah) 11:13, June 30, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 90.208.52.194 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Please don't revert people unless you are sure you are better than them.) 17:45, June 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 24.113.223.122 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Blanking is 4kids. HAHAHA YOU SEE WHAT I DID?? I MADE A FUNNY!) 05:36, July 3, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 minute ‎ (VANBALISANG DA MANE PAGE) 17:53, June 27, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Dragonsheep (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Muck spreading is what farmers do. Are you a farmer?) 19:16, June 25, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked ROMARTUS IS A DIRTY TURD (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (GIANT BALLS) Biopic of the Week Hello! This week the biopic of the week is devoted to a set of stairs and a Jewish man. Yes, it's Staircase, a user who hasn't been seen since April 2010! A small number of you might remember Staircase for his articles and his touching up of your inner thighs. He won awards and I miss him. He never really knew me, he probably didn't know you but the wiki is a worse place place for the lack of him. I also miss Mordillo, I miss his Jewishness and his not-permitting-that-sort-of-thingness. He was a splendid fellow and he wrote good articles, plus he agreed with me, nobody does that any more. A moment please for two of our gayest and best. May they bring their own brand of humour and sexual perversion to whichever caring institution has the honour of housing them in their retirement. Old-school FA Henchmen are the missing link between the super evil and the rest of us. No task is too menial or monotonous for them. They don't talk much but they think fast. Henchmen are the vital cogs in the massive gearwork that is the wristwatch of the villain. Without them, his wristwatch would only be right twice a day. And villains need to be able tell time accurately all day. They are the villain's last and greatest line of defense - well, after the laser cannon that they built on the moon, the nuclear warhead and the escape pod, of course. The life of a henchman is sweet indeed- danger, beautiful women, a really good dental plan... who wouldn't want to be a henchman? Newsroom UnTune of the week 7 Shits Woof The UnSignpost Dog reminds all readers of the importance of symmetry. That is all.

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--Chiefjustice3DS 08:15, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

I'm thinking about starting a Forum

Tell me, what do you think of this Forum idea? Forum:Are you a Matthlock? MAT​THL​OCK 19:52, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

Hmmm *clears throat* I predict this would get a WTF? reaction (as all forums do) lol Mattsnow 20:02, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

So is that a yes or a no? MAT​THL​OCK 20:09, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

This is a "do as you wish" lol Mattsnow 20:19, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

Well I made it. Would you like to participate in it? MAT​THL​OCK 20:31, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

9/11 Commission

Hey bro! I noticed this article was never featured. And I think I know why. Would you like me to do the same thing as I did with the Grove and then we can renom it? I know a lot about the subject. And it's a hell of a "theory". But this is a clear case of: if the facts don't support the theory, then change the facts. Or rather, have all the "facts" in advance. And have all the key facts live on-air within two hours. The entire prefab story. People say, "How could they keep it secret?" And what people really mean is , "Why doesn't the media report the truth?" Well, just look at the truth. And who owns the media? And who controls DOJ? And just follow the money - where-ever the money comes from, that's where the so-called "facts" come from. Who benefits from war? Gandhi said there is no path to peace, rather peace is the path. And peace, like health, doesn't pay. Anyway, you know all this. Should I make a collab out of 9/11 Commission? Cheers--Funnybony  20:45, Jul 5

Yes, man, go ahead, when it was nominated, a guy voted against and said "It's funny, but not true" lol. I have made small changes since, but go ahead, can't wait to see what it's gonna look like :P Mattsnow 20:51, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

QVFD

Hi, Matt. (Winge winge winge.) Just letting you know that it would be helpful from now on if, when you are QVFDing a page, you could also mark that page as patrolled? Remember? That feature we got turned on? Patrolling a page lets other schmucks know that the page has already been checked. Thanks! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Fri, Jul 6 '12 13:25 (UTC) Also if you could do some patrolling yourself, that would be awesome. If I got everybody on the site to do it, we could all get away with doing 10 or so a day!

I asked a question on my forum

Is it okay to put a new section below the voting section on a forum? MAT​THL​OCK 21:13, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

Yes of course bro. Mattsnow 21:28, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

WICKED A! MAT​THL​OCK 21:37, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

Deer Mattsnow (What part was it again?): Do you still know me?

Deer Mattsnow (What part was it again?): Do you still know me? How are you? What going on? What's Quebec? Is it a parody of Russia? What time is it? How are you? Unknown user 13:18, July 7, 2012 (UTC)

Forum

Incase you didn't realise theres an official unofficial vote about the new admin selection process. It seems like a golden compromise about problems various users have had, which I suppose is sort of okay (though i still think theres no reason why users shouldnt help decide if there should be an admin or not), except there is a disturbing notion of the admins deciding behind the users backs if there should be new admins or not. Its all happening here --ShabiDOO 13:01, July 8, 2012 (UTC)

Okami

Quite surprising I took this out from the closet huh? I've been recently looking at my articles, editing and deleting most of my shitty things, but then I come upon this... Uh. Too hard. As I remember you have reviewed it once upon a time, (at least I hope so) I ask if you're not too busy with things and help me make this better aarticle. You have time? Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 15:24, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

I did some archeological searches and found the 2 pee reviews about it and put them on the article's talk page, that should help. I would really like to help, but my problem is I don't know this game at all in the first place, so I can't do much... BTW, do you know why the template atop my talk page is not centered anymore?? Nobody changed the code. I iz don't get it! Mattsnow 15:42, July 10, 2012 (UTC)

For me it seems to be centered? Also, Okami. Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 15:51, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

No sorry it's not... It seems that if you put <center> infront of the template, it gets centered. But when you put </center>, it does not work any more...? Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 15:55, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

SORRY I'm insane. But now it's centered. You're welcome. Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 15:57, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

Once again, sorry. There was a weird div-code in the template which prevented to use center for some odd reason, made a new version in your userspace which now works: User:Mattsnow/Template:Fact Alert Mattsnow Edition

You're welcome! : ) Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 16:04, 10 July, 2012 (UTC)

I don't understand anything at all, but thanks a lot! It wasn't an issue with my PC, was it? Mattsnow 21:47, July 10, 2012 (UTC)

Don't understand about Okami or the center-problem? I just put <center> into that template itself and center worked. I believe it wasn't your PC's problem because it affected in mine too... I put center many times on this page, and it worked once and then stopped working. I don't understand anything at all either... But it works now, so that's a good thing! Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 17:10, 11 July, 2012 (UTC)

Where you disappear to?

Main news has title and text that don't match, don't know how to change it so I am bothering you! Email me back you Quebec person from Canada... If you go quiet I think Uncyclopedia has blown up. Ooh and check out a newer dude and his article on a headless swimmer - give him a nice hello, the article made me laugh and he may well write more good ones with encouragement. Well bye for now lover of elephants. Ticklethekeys (talk) 01:09, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

Whoops, thanks for telling me! I'll mail you soon :) Mattsnow 02:24, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

My great love...

You know you love me

I know you care

Just shout whenever,

And I'll be there

You want my love

You want my heart

And we would never, ever, ever be apart

And I was like

Baby, baby, baby ooh Like

Baby, baby, baby noo Like

Baby, baby, baby ohh

--ShabiDOO 03:44, July 12, 2012 (UTC)

That is the brutalest thing I've ever seen. You're evil! Altough Mattsnow was too but this... Cat the Colourful (Feed me!) Zzz 10:30, 15 July, 2012 (UTC)

Do you think...

That the new logo on my userpage is too large? (I wanted to make sure it was large enough for people to read.) MAT​THL​OCK 19:58, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

It looks alright! :) Mattsnow 21:33, July 13, 2012 (UTC)

I want to thank you...

...for being so helpful on my recent UnNews. Nice use of anachronism on the "Wadlow voting" picture! -- the dorky contralto 02:24, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for your last message. Really appreciated your input. Later I will see if I can actually write an article about Wadlow. :) -- the dorky contralto 03:08, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

you

make me feel redundant. Good work, lol. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:07, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

We've got boner for news! It's the UnSignpost!

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The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Do- AAAAAA

July 19th, 2012 • Issue 170 • Got Wood?

Fancy a Bone? By Chief Everybody loves horrendous drawings of genitals! "The latest meme is Template:Boner." Qzekrom blared into the press room last Thursday. We here in the UnSignpost office were absolutely beside ourselves, if we wanted people to tell us the news we'd open a hotline, a suggestion precluded by our lack of a phone, money or staff. So it came down to a straight choice between considering the reaction and the effect of the new MediaWiki Upgrade and the featuring of a template whose entirety is a very poor drawing of a penis. Naturally, we chose the one that included the smallest amount of penis: Template:Boner. This template is apparently the best thing since sliced bread, and you can use it in practically the same ways; you can spread it with butter and serve it to your friends as a surprise, you can dunk it into egg and, most importantly, consume it with jam. The template stormed to feature status with 23 votes for, which, coincidentally is the same number of votes cast on VFH throughout the whole of March. Nothing it seems mobilises Uncyclopedians better than a penis. The size of the penis in the template may account somewhat for its popularity*. Qzekrom does have a point, and a worrying obsession with css and javascript and all those uninteresting things whose only real function is to produce unnecessary work like page editing and the graphical interface. If you share these interests then you can easily head to one of the many forums he has created to discuss them, if on the other hand you are short on time because of the job you have to go to and be miserable at for fifty hours a week then you can always go to VFH and vote one of of the many penis related articles that Uncyclopedia has to offer. The UnSignpost Dog loves a bone The VFH vote is being called "The third most rigged VFH in the history of Uncyclopedia", losing out to some votes that were actually rigged one must assume. Anybody wishing to rig their own vote has only to head onto IRC and start asking if anybody is "up for lulz" today and then simply pitching their idea as "This great thing I found". If you are struggling then feel free to ask Frosty who is the mastermind behind the present craze for boners. Not that anybody is particularly surprised. Have a bonerific week! *Readers are invited to interpret this statement however they like. A Song of Ice and Fire By Scofield Isn't that the story of the human heart? The fight between fear and passion, between kindness and meanness, between pwn3d and pwnz0r? It's always two forces, at constant war with one another, until the heart stops beating. But then again, it is but one heart amongst many, and so the war goes on for years and years, with ice winning and then losing, and then fire winning, and then losing. And the efforts of the great men who built this wonderful civilization before us have always striven to achieve the balance between these ubiquitous opposites. For ice shall freeze us, and fire shall burn us, but the middle component, the in-between, nourishes us. And the in-between component I speak of, is water. We always speak of following the middle path, of moderation, of not going to extremes. Well, water is the epitome of moderation! How queer is it, that if you heat a bucket of ice over fire you get water, but only if the ice is heated IN MODERATION! Indeed, water has always given us the best of both worlds! When ice was melted by the fire from the sun, the resultant water ended up becoming the very medium in which the first living organisms thrived! Is it a coincidence that even after all these years of evolution and extinction, 70% of the body weight of man is still water? Is it a coincidence that no living being (except for dormant-ass seedlings) can survive for long without a regular hit of H2O to keep it alive? I think not. Water is always straddling the middle path between ice and fire. Unlike ice, we can swallow it without it clogging our windpipe, and unlike fire, it won't burn our dear skin if we touch it. And water always nourishes us, keeps us alive and well! We all rose from the water, and to the water returns all our piss and shit! People have always wondered, what is the middle path? What is the balance we all seek? I say, the balance is water. The middle path is water! The answer to all conflicts and dilemmas that plague our life- is WATER!

Check out these pages! A serious problem It's boring Vote and so on I prefer: HURGLAAAAAAAAAAAAAB Are you? From our logs: 21:47, July 17, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Uncyclopediasucks69 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Unacceptable username) 06:51, July 17, 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla (talk | contribs) blocked 71.179.95.227 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis.) 01:03, July 6, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Abrabudallah (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (YOU HURT ABUSE FILTER'S FEELINGS) 08:43, July 10, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 99.103.84.134 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.) 19:30, July 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked 71.245.83.21 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (thou shalt not tarnish the dead's pregnancy fetish stash) 00:16, July 11, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (He's a frog lol ;)) Biopic of the Week Not many people get a biopic in the UnSignpost. Actually that's a lie, everybody does, though we maintain the hilarious façade that we can't biopic everybody because of the long queue of people we have awaiting a biopic. In reality the main cause for the lack of a biopic are the crippling inadequacies of the UnSignpost staff. After that tremendously complimentary opening Saberwolf116 is onto biopic number two. The older of you may remember Saberwolf from before his year and a half hiatus, pee reviewer, article voter and an all round splendid fellow, otherwise known as a poopsmith. To be serious for a moment (brace yourselves) while he probably doesn't know it he has been an inspiration to many of his fellow Uncyclopedians, on Pee Review and beyond. He has showed, by example, how to apply oneself to a task and how to function well within this community. He is a model Uncyclopedian and you should do your utmost follow his example, except for the parts where he screws things up and causes everybody to hate him. Saberwolf116 everybody, I hear his penis is very impressive. Old-school FA Sock Puppetry, or the assumption of multiple online personalities, is a growing phenomenon in anonymous online communities such as public blogs, commentable news-info sites, and "wikis." The more popular and extensive Wikis (such as Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, and Memory Alpha) present an unusually fertile ground for various forms of sock puppetry, since the community interactions within a wiki site are vastly more complex than in other anonymous online communities. Newsroom UnTune of the week Uncyclopedia Didn't Start The Fire

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--Chiefjustice3DS 16:52, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

I wrote an article

How would you like to review it for me? I know the idea is a tad bit overused but what can I say. MAT​THL​OCK 20:40, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

Hey Matt!

I finally wrote the article on Robert Wadlow! Would you like to make it better? -- the dorky contralto 00:22, July 21, 2012 (UTC)

Kim Jong-un

Our current article in this is definitely sub-par. The work you have done relating to him has been really good. How would you feel about doing a rewrite on it. (Because as it stands I'd rather just set it up as a redirect to your earlier featured UnNews.) Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 04:46 21 Jul

It may be a good topic, but I won't do it for now, so better make it a redirect. Mattsnow 20:17, July 21, 2012 (UTC)

Co-write?

I have a good idea, but I need money now! Call J.G. Wentworth, 877-CASH-NOW, 877-CASH NOW...

Or a co-writer-er. Up for it? →A (Ruins) ^{14:19, 23 July 2012}

I'll have to decline, I have a couple unfinished articles and not much time.. Mattsnow 02:40, July 24, 2012 (UTC)

Hi Matt

I just saw your name on recent changes, and whooped silently with joy that you are still around. You are one of the treasures here. I'm only on for a little while every week or two now, and have actually enjoyed getting away from the site. But I will be back!!!! I shall return!!! I'll whore the Phil Ochs page if you haven't voted on it as yet, Ochs is one of the best of the best activists of the 1960s and I try to honor him accordingly. And I see Puppy is back!!!!!!! The joy overfloweth. Al 16:32 July 25, '12

Cool, I hope you come back more often! I will read it soon, I'm a little tired after ingesting 2 xanax. Mattsnow 17:22, July 25, 2012 (UTC)

Two xanax???? What are you, a pillhead, a popper, an addict to the child-safety capped bottle? Do you have any regard for those of use who have no xanax? Al later gator

LOL, it's for panic attacks, it had been a while since it happened and it was a big one. Now I'm ok, but this stuff hits like a hammer. Mattsnow 17:48, July 25, 2012 (UTC)

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July 26th, 2012 • Issue 171 • Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay

Painting by Numbers By 98.197.156.96 Numbers can shag the sheep, but it isn't any fun. This week some of Uncyclopedia's greatest and not so great have spent some time watching Uncyclopedia pass by without them. This is the news that Wikia has taken the momentous decision to lock out the vast majority of the active administrators and half the users. Problems began at 11:20 UTC on the 24th of July when Socky discovered that he was unable to access a few select features of his account; logging in being the most obvious. Banished to the realm of numbers Socky went to the forums and told everyone else. It soon became apparent that nobody could log in, except for Bizzeebeever, who "made the software his bitch" by pressing the log in button more than even wikia had anticipated. As everyone sat on the forum and debated just how angry and indignant this news should make them, a wikia representative was dispatched to the forum to pour oil on troubled waters, suggesting that Uncyclopedians "Return to causing world suffering or burning me in effigy". But burning effigies of Wikia staff members would have to wait as it became evident that, following the initial lock out of everybody, the adminstrator database had somehow been lost when it was being carried to a new building, or something like that. The administrator magic then gushed into the ground and caused a giant peach to grow outside Wikia headquarters. Pictured: The administrative database This condemned the administrators to a long evening of moaning on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel, where another Wikia representative awaited with nothing but a can do attitude and a lack of information about the problem to ensure that everybody remained as irritated as possible. Even worse than that, following a great deal of moaning somebody started off UnTrivia, forcing everybody through an evening of anagrams and obscure song lyrics. At the time of going to press only Thekillerfroggy appears to have been able to force his way through the log in procedure to use admin tools while users who could log in took full advantage of the absence of any administrators to fill the forum with appalling alternatives to fixing the problem. It would seem that, at present, the only solution is to make a new account and then curry favour with TKF, the only way to do this being fellatio or copious helpings of wang. 13.145.208.87 had this to say about the outage: "Zombiebaron.... FU WIKIA". 67.173.252.79 reported a similar feeling saying "Ahahahahahahahahah...god dammit, why can't I log in?". As we enter a second day with all the admins locked out something novel occurs to me; I can watch Uncyclopedia, and I can shag the sheep, but I don't want to if nobody knows it was me. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich By Socky Loramycetaceae of Ipswich do lorikeets while sitting amidst consecrators a-disciplining the elite. My gonads' dictum ipsilaterally saps your mom. Nullification of the masses accretes the Nibelungen's pretty umpty temperament. Done accelerating liberation. Done cunting shit amidst nisin from a pedo auctioneer named Hendrik. Protein from Trisha's antique rises into risus sardonicus. Doodlebugs' necks beget a menu with fetus. Protein exposure lectures quip Magdalena Corvallis, files nisei fermenter magma, nut amputate diam denim ac tulles. Groin peed. Coned a joust ac oleo perambulator lacing. In presidium collision purls. Letitia venations, nils veal consenter plenteousness, orcas mi male Tussuad urns, veil tempoes nuns est at gurus. Nascence volute. Vivacious Yul trices. Crays portrait offends libeler. Nuns mi amass, collisional veal, dissimilar quips, volute vitae, nuns. Done consequent. Coned congruent peed sit meat denim. Duelist pulmonary ants. Nuns consecrate tether. Done cactus cum, qualm sit mate pulp Tate oculists, just libeler various purrs, seed biennium Turpin purls beget Loramycetaceae. Quizzes we equine dew, Budapest neck, male Tussuad veld, fermentation in, odors. Phallus invites torpor. Integer neck elicit. Nam vitae felts vile Loramycetaceae lacerate Hendrik. Present ornate. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich dolor sit meat, conch secreter a-discoing lite. Sunlamp Isis. Plenteousness vaccinial volute arch. Bisque non nun. In ornate commodity venality. Swed nun rises, gravid at, concuss id, tempts you, Sulla. Phallus is lacking, commodore sled, incident pulmonary, facilitates Vella, Nissie. Vivacious Budapest. Noella enigma. Donne portal Allison dolor. Groin non Maurise. Letitia Loramycetaceae urns, vestibular eat, aliquot vitae, suspicious neck, tulles. Letitia so dales diam egret equine tempos aorta. In ult rices Dolores. Also, I can log in again! Hurrah!

Check out these pages! Zorks! Awkward WikiEd is silly YAWN! That's so retro From our logs: 10:24, July 23, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.148.242.53 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I will certainly duel you good sir kni- AHAHAHAHA SNEAK STABBAN ATTACK! I WIN!) 05:17, July 24, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 96874 seconds ‎ (Begged for it. Pathetically. With fellatio. Which was respectable, but still rather pathetic.) 00:18, July 24, 2012 Xamralco (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.115.48.5 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Are you hitting on me?) 06:47, July 21, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Adhans (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (with this month off you can maybe find the time to draft one article with fifty words instead of the other way around) 17:14, July 23, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 213.198.208.29 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Literal wanker.) 06:43, July 20, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.178.153.139 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Before you make your next edit, consider this: Your last few got you banned for a week.) Biopic of the Week What can you say about GEORGIEGIBBONS that he has not said already? Especially as he has already said that he is an asshole. You might not see GEORGIEGIBBONS around the wiki as he is a hopeless timewaster, or IRC user as we normally call them. He does however do a fair bit of recent changes patrolling and votes on VFH when begged to do so. One of his main claims to fame is having the worst internet connection out of everyone in IRC, a title he regularly competes for with ChiefjusticeDS who connects with a Nokia N-Gage. A big positive with GEORGIEGIBBONS, besides the seconds you save by not having to switch off caps lock to type his username, is that he rarely involves himself in drama and it would be splendid to see him editing the wiki a bit more rather than hanging out in IRC lynching other Uncyclopedians and solving anagrams. He's an asshole that way. Wordˢ̭ of the week, provided by: PuppyOnTheRadio Erotic Using a feather as part of love-making Kinky Using the rest of the chicken Newsroom UnTune of the week I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)

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--OliOmniOmbudsman 15:15, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

I'm planning on writing this article

It's about a man being harassed by a dentist from Afghanistan. However, I'm uncertain if it should be a regular article or an UnScript. There will be some parts in my work that are going to be very dialogue-driven so I'm thinking it should be an UnScript, but on the other hand, there are other parts that are going to be spoken by the main character only; and likewise, there'll be some parts that are solely the Afghan dentist's monologue and explanation.

So I'm thinking UnScripts probably but I am uncertain. What do you think?

(Also can you run over to McDonalds and get me a McChicken? I'm real hungry for one right now.) MAT​THL​OCK 20:19, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

Deer Mattsnow: In 3D!

Hello. Hi. How are you. I'm just passing by. I miss this place. Reminds me of food. So, what's about this retro thing happening here? Rj2399 (talk) 02:26, July 29, 2012 (UTC)

LOL, well, the writers are so lazy that they decided to refeature old classics. please come back bro, I'd like to write an article about either Rammstein or Metallica but I just can't get it started by lack of ideas. We could collab there if you are interested! Mattsnow 09:04, July 29, 2012 (UTC)

Sure, I would love to. But I only come around on weekends so we might have a slow development. I'm sure we might work something out. So when do we start? --Rj2399 (talk) 02:50, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

Whenever you want! I'll try to start a little something today or tomorrow. Would you like Metallica or Rammstein better? Mattsnow 09:31, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

Just looking for advice.

I just wrote Doody and I was wondering if you could look through it and tell me if it's funny or just plain stupid. Thanks. :) -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 13:51, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

ROFL this is hilarious! I went on wikipedia to see what the solvay conferences were, it's a proof the article is very interesting as I was intrigued. By the 2nd paragraph I was laughing! I recommend not to add too much stuff (if at all) or else it could stretch the joke a little too much, unless you think of something awesome. I will put it on VFH when that stupid Martial Law crap is lifted. BTW, this limitation is quite stupid; we're always trying to get people to vote, and now that there's a "break" for features because of retro week, it would be good to put 30 articles there so votes stack. Mattsnow 15:56, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

I agree. This Martial Law thing is dumb. I was gonna nom an article but I couldn't. Now I don't remember what it was. -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 19:08, July 30, 2012 (UTC)

Oh yeah, thanks for the advice and kind words. I just realized that I'm a moron and I never said that. -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 22:17, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

I was just seething with anger! :P I tried to add some sections to the Constitution, but all I did was stare at the edit screen for 10 minutes, couldn't think of anything :S. But I have a good one coming up, I'll whore when I'm totally finished fine tuning it. I hope the lack of activity is due to summer vacations, it's quite low. Mattsnow 22:36, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

I've attempted to add to the Constitution as well, but whatever I write down just isn't funny. Who knew it would be so hard to make fun of the US legal system? -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 22:40, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

American jurisprudence is already hilarious. Maybe U.S. Constitution will give you some ideas. Spıke ¬ 21:52 2-Aug-12

You missed my first message but that's all right

Besides that article idea, tell me what you think of these ideas.

1. I'm planning on writing an article on Last Man Standing. I'm definitely going to write it in the style of Tim Allen's character. If you haven't heard of the show, I recommend you read up on it and watch a couple of episodes to get the gist of it.
2. I'm also planning on this article. It's more of an idea right now. It's called Absolutely Polandtastic. I got that idea when I was eating kielbasa and pierogies last night. I think it could work, once I get a full grasp on what I'm going to write for that article plan.
3. Also, have you read up on my message about my article idea about an Afghan dentist?

MAT​THL​OCK 17:27, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry to have missed the message bro! Yes, I think Unscipt would work best for that, and I think the "Last Man Standing" article is a great idea! I'm not sure about the Polandtastic thing, but I like the way you got the idea LOL Mattsnow 17:31, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Rammstein

I think Rammstein would be better. Just look at their album cover. I think that we could make lots of jokes about them. Anyway, where did you put the parts that you made?. --Rj2399 (talk) 04:13, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I didn't make any XD. Feel free to start it and shoot me the link, if you don't I'll start it tonight. I know Rammstein kinda well, it should be a great topic! Mattsnow 10:37, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

Just started a little something, feel free to add some! User:Mattsnow/Rammstein Mattsnow 11:47, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I remember finding this popup on the web yesterday

...And I've been wondering, do you think I should have said yes? I wanted to but I've had some bad experiences with women named Stephanie in the past. But what do you think? MAT​THL​OCK 16:45, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

I think people that are chatting on the net with what they think is a pretty girl are probably chatting with a 300 pounds hairy guy or with Chris Hansen! XD Mattsnow 00:05, August 5, 2012 (UTC)

Yeah, why I said that I've bad experiences with women named Stephanie in the past is because I remember there was this girl named Stephanie who used to stalk me. Now the Stephanie who stalked me doesn't look like the one in the picture (thank God), but still because of her I have unease with girls with that name. I'd think you'd hate the Stephanie who stalked me too because Stephanie the stalker is from.... wait for it, Saskatchewan. Yeah, I don't like any sort of Canadian besides the Quebeckers (like you). Still, I thought that this Stephanie is probably a different girl. She's got nice eyes, I have to admit.

The Stephanie who stalked me sort of looked like this.  :| MAT​THL​OCK 16:46, August 18, 2012 (UTC)

Uhm, Mattsnow. Mattsnow? MAT​THL​OCK 17:45, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

Mattsnow. Answer your message, please. MAT​THL​OCK 17:01, August 31, 2012 (UTC)

Foolitzer and other awards under attack, yearly awards too, like, huh?

Are you aware of this? Aleister 18:00 8-7-'012

Thanks for the head's up, I didn't even know what the forum was about! Of course we have to keep the Foolitzer Prize, 2 new "Funnybony" emerged: Weebils and Ticklethekeys. Plus Funnybony himself and a lot of others! The UnNews are really great these times, and there's a lot of them. Mattsnow 21:19, August 7, 2012 (UTC)

Horoscopes

I have perused your shit, and I have concluded that you are a funny genius, a veritable king of satire. And I, for my part, am a shameless sycophant. This, obviously, can be the start of a beautiful friendship. Please read my hilarious-ass horoscopes from days of yore. And read my UnNews contributions, from those same bygone days. You will find that I, too, am a hilarious genius. Your name came up when I returned to this hallowed satirical ground after hiding in a hovel for years (understandably), and requested the youngsters to take me to their UnNews leader. When I was an active Unencyclopedian, we used the phrase being italic to mean that we should just do shit we care to do and not fucking ask any idiots if it's ok, so asking you (the idiot) for permission is decidedly NOT what I'm doing. What I AM doing is engaging you - in your comedic genius UnNewsiness - in my desire to restart my UnAstrology effort with a particular emphasis on my sub-desire to include a link to same on the UnNews front page. You see, I'm not just a sycophant, I am a narcissistic sycophant, which is either the best or worst kind, which what is the difference there after all? I am also fond of run-on sentences, as long as they make me giggle. So are we clear here, or do I have to spell it out? Fine, I'll be more mobster about it all: Get me an UnNews front page link if you ever want to see unmitigated genius satirical horoscopes again. Make it worth my while. Capeesh? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 02:27, August 8, 2012 (UTC)

No, but I guess it is to be expected lol. Feel free to come out of hibernation and shake the icicles that are restraining you, and I shall open the door of UnNews glamorous spots! Mattsnow 02:57, August 8, 2012 (UTC)

Please sir - excoriate the Holy Jesus out of me for my pitiful wiki editing skills as I have been italic all over the UnNews front page with my shitty horoscopes. I mean it. I learn best from severe excoriations. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:03, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

You may want to ask Zombiebaron, I gotta admit it's the first time someone asks me about the horoscope and I don't really know how it works. But I don't see the italics.... Mattsnow 19:14, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

I was asking about wiki editing (back in my day we used to call it being italic when we would go and change something without asking - it had nothing to do with actual italics. Don't ask me why. Anyway refer to my last edit of the UnNews main page in the history for the changeI'm talking about). Is Zombiebaron the man for formatting things nicely on the UnNews front page and all that stuff then? -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:42, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

Oh, I saw what you did! The reason why I didn't remember the horoscope thing probably was because it didn't exist. lol Great initiative, do you know how to put that thing on shuffle? I basically read all the UnNews and make sure the 2 templates are maintained, but I am not good at all with formatting, so for giganormously fancy formatting, you should ask the above zombie. Mattsnow 20:44, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

Shuffle isn't appropriate for this effort - the plan is to write new horoscopes every week, like I used to a long time ago. Shuffle is for normal, lazy Uncyclopedians who just want to write seven things, set them on shuffle and quit. Quitters. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:31, August 12, 2012 (UTC)

Apology

Remember my reply from not so long ago? "Sorry for the late reply...but go do it :D" That wasn't me. I guess that's what I get for leaving my Facebook/Uncyclopedia accounts open. Anyway, I would also like to apologise for editing the template by myself, I was excited because I was working on my 1st UnNews article. (Pssst, Zombiebaron made me do it.)--Bp2611 23:12, August 8, 2012 (UTC)

No need for eye protection, it's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

August 9th, 2012 • Issue 172 • You need to know stuff to be biased!

The state of the Wiki: Summer 2012 By Chief The biggest news of the week this week is that there isn't any news whatsoever, sure there are a few forums in the dump that promise to radically shake up the way everyone edits Uncyclopedia, or at least change it slightly. But for the most part there is no news, which always comes as a great relief to everyone in the UnSignpost office as it means that we can spend this week drivelling about pointless minutia and thus crawl that one vital step closer to death. The state of the wiki is this: nobody is voting for half of the monthly awards. This is naturally a cause of great concern for everybody, the prevailing feeling being that somebody should be nominating and voting for people on these awards, but we'd rather it wasn't us. Nobody is happy with the current VFS system, but nobody can agree on anything to change it to, so the current VFS system has remained with he proviso that everyone sneer about how unfair it is every time it is used. This periodical has already chronicled the appalling miscarriage of justice that allows administrators extra votes on VFS so it with an air of surprise that the UnSignpost can now bring to you a proposal to let administrators run everything. Uncyclopedia's 29th wordy controversy filled blockbuster of the year suggests that the admins run everything because they are the most thorough and most experienced users, the voting section of the same forum being filled with comments from admins saying "Tl;dr" and "I can't be bothered to read your entire essay", hand these splendid fellows the keys to city immediately, the UnSignpost implores you to entrust the administrative body with any nuclear codes or state secrets you might have, safe in the knowledge that they will never ever be looked at. Pictured: This week's admin work schedule Thekillerfroggy has solved the problems of the Worst 100 list by skipping 60 reflections and justifying it with a cliché, absolutely nobody notices and continues adding reflections about themselves and why they are adding a reflection to the list. Modusoperandi adds an actual reflection to the list causing the universe to begin collapsing in upon itself. The final and most grave piece of news is that Uncyclopedia is critically low in images of boobs, totalling only 634 pictures in the boob images category, now either some of you aren't correctly categorising your images of boobs, or there is a serious problem. Socky, who long ago took on the arduous and time consuming task of auditing the boob images category said "How I wank on audit the images properly if they are incorrectly categorised? Please don't keep your not safe for work images to yourself. Categorise them and thus share them with the world!". Uncyclopedia Needs More Vandals By One Step Away From Copyright Violation The UnSignpost editorial staff trying out some vandalism Yeah, you heard me, <insert name here>. Uncyclopedia needs more vandals. Why, you may ask. Why would we need more annoying basement-dwellers to ban? Well, I'll tell you. As all of you may have noticed, Uncyclopedia has been going through some inactivity lately, to the point where users who haven't signed on since who knows when are becoming more active on the site than users who check the website everyday. It seems our competitor has been gaining more activity than us, and we can't let that happen, now can we? There's only one way to get our activity back up: recruit vandals. Most vandals are EDiots anyway (of course, the best vandals are admins), so if we attract some vandals here, maybe they'll attract some more writers! And... er... Second thought, we don't need more vandals. Vandals suck and they should die.

Check out these pages! Why aren't we voting on this? Whales! What's yours? Read this! This is a terrible idea From our logs: 17:50, August 1, 2012 Lyrithya (talk | contribs) blocked 109.152.200.136 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (The cat said you were evil. ) 01:06, July 31, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked Waltdisneyfan999 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I can't trust Mr-ex to form a coherent sentence most of the time, but I can generally trust his transcendent knowledge of trolls and sockpuppets.) 10:05, August 6, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Lmarine0510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Whenever you add a shock image to a page on Uncyclopedia God sets fire to a school bus) 06:37, August 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 108.59.252.58 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (LOLDONGS) 12:51, August 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 95.0.200.42 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Creating shite pages, I got banned for that once.) Service outage of the Week So the UnSignpost delivery schedule is in something of a state of flux at the moment, it arrives every two weeks and then it arrives weekly. This is an intolerable state of affairs and you all deserve an explanation. It's all your fault for not writing splendid articles that we can use to fill up the gaping white space that confronts us every single week. Why not write a splendid article that can be placed into the UnSignpost, thus freeing up our editor's busy schedule and allowing him to spend less time slaving away at his keyboard and more time windsurfing with foreign dignitaries. Old-school FA Adobe Potatochop CS4 is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England. Available with a number of plug-ins, including the most recent 'extra crispy' update, it is, along with Adobe Suppersready and Adobe Fritolayers, one of Adobe's most well known pieces of software. Released first in the United States, it is currently available for Pringles XP and Pringles Vista under the slogan "Once you chop, you can't stop" and also for Apple Mac as CS4 (Chip Shop 4). Newsroom UnTune of the week Bobby Brown Goes Down (PMRC Edition)

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--Chiefjustice3DS 07:07, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

UnNews question

What determines which stories will be on the UnNews front page? I saw mine today, and I must say, I am really glad that someone liked it.--Bp2611 08:45, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

They have to be reasonably funny. I got to admit, a lot of them are very good, but it happens that I think one isn't quite ready, then I ask somebody else if I'm dreaming. If they agree with me that it needs more work, I ping-pong it back in the writer's userspace. That means I liked yours :P Mattsnow 08:52, August 10, 2012 (UTC)

Hold your head high

Offered with devotion to those deserving saints who stood for truth, justice and the American way

--Funnybony  07:18, Aug 16

Ding!

I added some parts in Rammstein. Hope you like them. :) --Rj2399 (talk) 11:58, August 19, 2012 (UTC)

Teaching moment

So here's a good one. In your reign, what do you think you would have done with this one? I have an idea, but I want to bounce it off of you just to get some advice. Thanks. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:08, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

I'd either correct the typos myself if it's funny, or move it to the user's userspace if it isn't, and notify him. In that case, it's terribly unfunny I think, and I sure would have userspaced it, even though I was really "tolerant". But be nice and diplomatic in your message to the author if you do like I'd have done, nahmean? Mattsnow 22:35, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

User spacing it is good advice. In this case, it seems to me that there may also be a second-language issue. I will find a way to approach that subject tactfully. I hope. Thanks. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:35, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

Oh, and one more thing - under your iron-fist-in-velvet-glove rule, did you write articles, and if you did, did you put them up on the lead yourself? I think I don't want to do it generally, but I also think I may have a legitimate (no pun intended) feature on my hands if I say so myself. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:39, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

Yes, I did write some, and I was not the least bit shy about putting them up on the lead lol. Only, I made sure not to let them there longer than I would do with any other decent article. Mattsnow 01:25, August 21, 2012 (UTC)

Hahaha, it is a good one! Also, I made sure all the UnNews articles had at least 2 categories. It would make it easier if you had hotcat enabled in "your preferences". Also, Weebils consistently writes very good ones, but he's not good with a wiki, and I never saw him write anything on anybody's talk page except his own, answering to me. He's a good guy though, don't be afraid to say hello, because this guy wrote like 10 or 15 good ones a month. And if you stumble across a great, hilarious one, don't be shy about throwing it on the VFH pile, especially in times of drought (like now). That's what I did anyway. I don't have much time for writing, but there will certainly be UnNews from me sooner or later. If you have other questions, I'll be happy to help! :) Mattsnow 01:34, August 21, 2012 (UTC)

Pee Review?

We need your PEE! Good day loyal PEEING member.The management was wondering if you had noticed the state of the toilet recently. We appear to have developed something of a blockage, and wondered if you might have a plunger handy. Possibly you are one of the rare PEEING members who does actually do regular reviews, in which case please flush this message immediately, otherwise... It's time you reviewed something you lazy bum!

--Chiefjustice3DS 18:12, August 20, 2012 (UTC)

God hates

No drama - too soon for that. I just have a fellow UnNewser very respectfully lodging a complaint based on what I have tried to explain is a clear misunderstanding of what is being satirized here and how. I realize I'm writing this to you before I've even given him or her a chance to reply, and I know you are not the Ombudsman of UnNews, but he or she is speaking for you, so I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in either supporting my analysis or verifying his or her claim - and perhaps if you feel that, as two people now have misunderstood the article for not reading the source (though the first one accepted the explanation), there may be a case here for it being out of bounds. If you do feel that, I can accept it, though I'll smugly and self-importantly mutter something about this place being beneath my unfathomable brilliance. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:16, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

ChiefjusticeDS enjoys buttsex: The UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

August 23rd, 2012 • Issue 173 • One periodical to rule them all...

Don't mention the merger By Chief Simsilikesims visits UnScripts Playwright of the Month the wastelands. The UnSignpost office is always busy, the phones ringing, the journalists writing, the constant clamouring of eager interview candidates and our editor daydreaming all of the above into existence. If anyone else came through the office every week there wouldn't be room for the crippling loneliness that forms such a massive part of our lives. The same, alas, cannot be said for UnBooks Author of the Month and UnScripts Playwright of the Month whose complete lack of any activity has resulted in them both being rolled into writer of the month. Why is this news? Because it means less voting and if there's less voting there must be less democracy, that's just common sense. Responsible for this dastardly plot is none other than Simsilikesims, you all know Simsilikesims, she's the person who wrote the content warning which we now see approximately six times a day. If you didn't know how content warnings worked before you definitely do now. Simsilikesims has had a number of these good ideas and it's likely that shortly we shall see her malevolent intent, possibly in the form of combining the UnTunes namespace with the mainspace because not enough people are singing their articles in the style of Dragonforce or however it is those people who don't understand magnetic fields sing their songs. What would an intolerable loss of the right of Uncyclopedians to let parts of the wiki fall into a state of abandonment and disrepair be without Thekillerfroggy to swing the hammer of despair? Hoping nobody would notice TKF also decided to smite Reviewer of the Month into the ether. RotM is an award that literally nobody was ever interested in... It's also the only award I've ever won twice, so don't mind me, I'll just be over here sobbing while I look through the archives of the first award I ever won... The Caped Crusader considering an update to the latest UnNews template In other news Mattsnow has stepped down as UnNews' biggest cheese. The war to replace him is now on, the choice being between GlobalTourniquet and a machine who will plaster something onto the front page every so often, a machine and nobody at all. We here in the UnSignpost office haven't quite decided which we prefer and have ultimately decided to vote for Batman instead. Batman has a grappling hook to reach hard-to-reach places, sneaks around wearing leather and is a complete social retard while he's doing the job, in other words he's perfect for the position. If he can save Gotham from the Joker then we have absolute confidence in his ability to read articles and then put them in a template on a fairly regular basis. Do you have an opinion? Too bad, because you don't get a say; GlobalTourniquet started doing the whole thing last Saturday. Happy Thursday! The feature feature By Chief Don't make Thekillerfroggy knock down your ceiling... "VFH sucks right now." proclaims the banner that greets all visitors to the VFH page. We've all seen it, probably whilst passing through and very pointedly not visiting VFP which is now beginning to resemble the immediate aftermath of a Nuclear event. However, this reporter has come up with an alternative explanation: it isn't VFH that sucks, it's all of you, and by extension all of us, which also happens to be all of me. Uncyclopedians, famous for their flame wars and constant douchebaggery seem to have come to the conclusion that when on VFH that it's better not to vote than to disagree. What else could account for the 15 plus voter turnout for articles that we all agree are fantastically well written/crafted, while articles which may well be of high quality, but bear the title "UnNews:Politicians politicise the filing system of plumbing the South-Eastern region of the Ukraine" struggle along, accruing 7 votes for before sitting on the feature queue until they die of old age. This alongside the fact that people can't be bothered means Thekillerfroggy is beside himself at the state of things. Why TKF? Because he seem to have appointed himself supreme worrier in-chief for VFH and is executing that duty by slapping increasingly urgent messages onto the page. "DON'T MAKE ME PUT IN CAPITALS" twitched Thekillerfroggy when approached by the UnSignpost about the latest message. ... Or expose you to ionising radiation How do we fix this? Voting, obviously, but it's more than that. Yes, you might only have time to vote on just one article, yes you are probably more likely to enjoy the article with 20 votes than 5, but unless you vote the articles with 5 votes will never have 20. There are lots of articles to vote on, but you have ages to do it in! This article has been there for a month and has managed 10 votes. Twitter managed 17 in 5 days! Are you people pulling our balls? Don't make us use the awe inspiring powers of caps lock to get our way, VOTE NOW!

Check out these pages! Still going Tweet tweet We're famous! Teh feechur Q Nobody Cares From our logs: 15:41, August 15, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked 83.146.246.120 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You are such a good contributor that I am giving you the next week off to find Jesus.) 15:43, August 12, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 198.228.200.154 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Incorrectly adding ICU tags and generally taking it up the arse like a champ) 09:51, August 21, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 71.129.63.113 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I think you need to lie down for a week after producing that noble effort. ) 03:11, August 14, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked WONDER WANDAL (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (but ur like, rly rly dum) 16:44, August 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Imrealized (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ("this is stupid" your profound criticism is valid and necessary, where's your pulitzer dude???) 22:04, August 17, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Mohamed loves hot canadian (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Suicide is painless, but it brings on many changes) 06:16, August 20, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked Tauhid (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Leave that picture alone. And don't revert admins. And suck me dry.) Biopic of the Week I was in two minds about the biopic this week. One of my minds wanted to biopic a picture of the UnSignpost dog or how much I enjoy cutting corners by filling sections of the UnSignpost with pictures of a dog, the other wanted to biopic a real person with a pancreas. So congratulations Snippy, you win the biopic on the basis that you actually exist. Snippy is one of those suspicious fellows who we all suspect has done all this before. He's funny, an immediate danger sign, he's polite, another danger sign and, most damning of all he's competent. Naturally Uncyclopedia has welcomed him with open arms, a noob of the moment nomination and constant accusations that he is somebody's sockpuppet. All of you who haven't met him yet should swing by his talk page and say hello, read his Minecraft article and vote for him on Noob of the Moment. Be sure to discourage him from such displays of competence in future, or we'll have to ban him out of principle. We'll probably return to the biopics of traffic cones and imaginary animals in the next UnSignpost, so no need to be concerned that we're upping our game. Old-school FA Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy. These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing! Newsroom UnTune of the week Congressman in Drag Hammer Time!

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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 08:22, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks...

For voting me as Perv of the Month. As a reward, I will not bang your girlfriend. MAT​THL​OCK 20:33, September 5, 2012 (UTC)

Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

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Now with 20% more ninjas!

September 6th, 2012 • Issue 174 • When we were your age, this was all fields...

My "coming out" By Chief This story is exceptionally gay Hey girlfriends! This week the UnSignpost puts the "Queen" in "Drama Queen" as it discusses the issues which are literally the bomb. The biggest bomb this week, besides how darling our UnSignpost correspondents look in their new outfits, is that Zombiebaron wants the wiki to improve, this means deleting most of it and playing trivia on IRC. The bigger news is that PoofyOnTheRadio also wants the wiki to improve, this means not playing trivia on IRC and sending editors out onto the internet in order to sell their bodies to Google in the hopes that this will increase traffic to the wiki. These squabbles are ultimately self-defeating, while we are arguing amongst ourselves whether or not we ought to change the beginner's guide into an 20 minute video and a fireworks display we still haven't managed to do anything. What we have decided is that articles can be deleted with less than +5 votes to delete and that RAHB is very good at trivia if nothing else. The other big news from weeks ago is that Mattsnow has stopped being in charge of UnNews after a period of however long it is he has been doing that. Shabidoo who loves to do "zany" stuff so he can get into the UnSignpost, has created an extra forum to ensure that absolutely nobody thanks Mattsnow and instead demonstrates just how hilarious they are. Congratulations to Zombiebaron who came out with the completely obvious joke before anyone else. Finally GlobalTourniquet, the new UnNews Quasar (by appointment of himself) is open to criticism... and penis, lol. VFHarassment By Chief There's nobody here... Remember the heady days of two weeks ago when we told you all to feel very bad because VFH didn't have enough nominations. Well forget that because now it does and we can move our sensationalist bandwagon elsewhere. Where better to send it than Pee review, currently known as the namespace that isn't a namespace that time forgot. Five reviews for the entire month of August demonstrates that nobody really seems particularly interested in assisting the review process. It might take a little while to do a Pee Review but there is a reason we have the space. It is of particular concern as we have a list of people who are supposed to be doing reviews at least once a month, myself included. Where are we? Who knows, but we certainly aren't perusing the list of articles awaiting review. Let's go over there! Let's bring Thekillerfroggy who can put a stern template at the top of the page and insist that this is hugely important to the wiki, guess what.... IT IS!!! Also there is likely to be a new VFS this month, bring on the voting, it makes everything better! REVIEW SOMETHING YOU BUNCH OF SLACKERS! Why, again, are we counting to a million? By One Step Away From Copyright Violation A tremendous waste of everybody's time please Carol Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots. After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it. So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway. So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

Check out these pages! Tweet tweet Candy Girls! VFS!! The real VFS link From our logs: 03:08, August 30, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked 95.233.217.65 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (if i were confident that you understood english, i'd say something naughty) 21:56, August 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 212.183.128.49 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Caring about football... that's actually a life sentence when you think about it.) 00:03, August 30, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 76.178.53.110 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Stay away from theatres, you thespian!) 19:02, September 3, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 86.151.117.175 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol blacks. They're almost as bad as Jews.) 02:32, August 29, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Roccohene (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Gambling is a sin, but Jesus still loves you. Visit your local church and repent today!) Biopic of the Week We haven't put the UnSignpost Dog in the UnSignpost for ages, so now we have. Old-school FA Since the dawn of time, Man has been responsible for creating his own entertainment. The ingenuity of the human mind has given us cock fighting, badger baiting, pogroms and, most consistently popular, WAR. Rarely has there been a time when man has not taken pleasure from smiting other men with the jaw-bone of an ass, or amused his friends by firing Phosphorus missiles into crowded population centres. But not all wars are the same, so just which wars did we enjoy the most? Over the centuries Historians have struggled to find consensus on just how to measure the popularity of wars and this dispute itself led to the so called “Wussy War” of 1952 when Professor AJP Taylor triumphed over the forces of Noam Chomsky. Newsroom UnTune of the week Piano Ballad

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--Chiefjustice3DS 10:51, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

Moving to user space

So I just found out that I don't know how to move an article to a user space. When I hit the move button, I can change the space portion of the title to "User talk", but, to chane it to the author's user space, do I simply enter the user name in the title box before the article title, with a colon? The article in question is UnNews:NASA discovers Hot Dogs in Space - I will add a note to the user's talk page about why I made this decision, but the language needs major improvement AND I feel that the humor of it is extremely weak - a bad pun taken too far is certainly no longer fun if it ever was. Anyways, that's why. It's my first time making this decision, you see. Thanks. -- GlobalTourniquet: UnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:05, September 7, 2012 (UTC)

you seem to edit less, this saddens me

you need to edit more, or I will continue to be sad. Don't make me sad :( ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 10:43, September 11, 2012 (UTC)

Hello!

Wakey wakey sleepy head! Time to head over to Magic man's chamber of secrets - if you know what I mean and discuss our options. Don't you dare forget the collab! lol --POP!GoesTheWeasel 14:47, October 29, 2012 (UTC)

Beginner’s beg

Hello. I uploaded this one, my first contribution on uncyclopedia: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File:Alphabetisation_of_Paris.jpg , it’s the first idea that came immediately to me when I saw the picture, and I found nothing else about since three weeks. Would it be convenient for the articel about the letter A? I precise that I’m not alphabetised yet, I live at 400 km far from Paris, the letter A didn’t reach my remote area, and furthermore we are confused in our region by Gothic alphabet while Germany is at 15km from here. Mypoorlugar (talk) 22:03, November 5, 2012 (UTC)

Who starts the article?

Now that we've reached some form of conclusion, Magic man is suggesting someone starts an article. Problem is, no one has. Or has someone already started an article. Forgive my ignorance, it is contributed from my inactivity because I recently moved into a new home and as you know, in the first few days, my Internet gets real horny and stuff. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 04:09, November 8, 2012 (UTC)

John Travolta

I wrote my first unyclopedia article, John Travolta, what do you reckon? --~Leverage 12:08, November 14, 2012 (UTC)

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Nov 20rd, 2012 • Issue 175 • The edition that's black and white and dead all over

We are all doomed, and it's Wikia's fault By Bizzeebeever Shown: Wikia It's been a quiet four months at Uncyclopedia, our hometown, out here on the edge of the prairie, and it's not just because Wikia have murdered everyone and are currently bathing in golden tubs filled with their blood. It seems Uncyclopedia has lost more users than John Travolta has lost gerbils up his own butt, but fear not, Uncyclopedians-who-have-been-here-less-than-one-month! Long-time wunderkind and beloved administrator Frosty (sorry, are we laying it on too thickly?) has a plan to save us, and it involves... getting himself run over by a car. Ha ha! Actually, he posted a forum topic, accompanied by a vote, because that's what Uncyclopedians do in times of crisis, and it always works. Forum:Petitions to make all our users that quit comeback attempts to galvanize Uncyclopedia's remaining users to action by reminding them that we used to have members, Oh! so many members! Most of whom were better than us! Please sign a petition asking them back—sign, you ungrateful todgers, like your lives depend on it—and then email them all on the 14th! In theory, the people receiving said emails will return to Uncyclopedia with smiles on their faces and bliss in their hearts. In practice, however, the plan has been difficult to implement. And by "difficult", we mean "slightly impossible". A frustrated user has narrowed the plan's failure to three causes: Wikia sucks dicks Wikia is Satan Wikia sucks Satan's dick As it turns out, Wikia has limited the number of emails users can send to each other to ONE PER BLOODY DAY, rendering Frosty's scheme to bury our departed users under an avalanche of spam all for naught. As of Monday, November 19, exactly two departed users have been persuaded to return by the campaign, and nobody likes Kakun or Oliphaunte anyway, because they are useless puddles of suckage. It's just as well; most current Uncyclopedians are slightly too drunk to notice that putting a running chainsaw against one's neck is a bad idea, much less understand what the petition is all about. At any rate, if you haven't accidentally decapitated yourself with a chainsaw, do have a look at that forum, and if necessary, make yourself one or two (or forty) sockpuppets, just to spam those long-departed users of ours. The Cabal Wills It.* *(Note: There Is No Cabal) Frosty is dead. By Bizzeebeever Requiscat in pace, Frost-dude. No, you read that wrong, he is just dead inside. Earlier this month, Frosty nearly had the shit murdered out of him by a car. Luckily, as Frosty is a typical Australian teenager, he was protected from serious harm by his protein-based exoskeleton and his thick layer of poisonous, mucosal warts. The car is expected to recover in time for the rematch; in an interview with our correspondent, the car shouted numerous dark threats while leaping onto a turnbuckle and shredding its T-shirt. In the interim, Frosty has been resting comfortably with the aid of codeine, alcohol, and oral favors from the Asian transsexuals arrayed at his feet. "I find Uncyclopedia no longer holds the same draw for me as it did before," said Frosty, "especially since I've been getting oral favours from these Asian transsexuals arrayed at my feet." So weep, all ye who read this, for Frosty has joined the ranks of the undead, despised by God and abhorred by the God-fearing. On the upside: he can now appreciate those movies about sparkly vampires. On the downside: he wants our blood. RUN! Return of the Prodigal Son By Bizzeebeever Hearts and minds were filled with joy last month by the tentative return of beloved Uncyclopedian Bizzeebeever, who became scarce in July, leaving behind a terse apology for "having no money for Internetting". Current Uncyclopedia ghost Lyritha was heard to say "Buckets, remind me who that is, again..." before floating away down a corridor, moaning and rattling chains. Or rather, she would have, if ghosts were real, and if we'd asked her. Bizzeebeever's return is said to augur good tidings for the wiki, even though his current contributions consist of pointless pot-shots at Wikia, and short, pithy remarks left on talk pages, such as "fuck you, I hope you are dead", and "please disregard the previous comment, my penis was caught in a pencil sharpener". He also lurks for hours on IRC, talking and playing UnTrivia by himself. It will surprise no one at all that Bizzeebeever is now the person most accomplished at playing with himself; when we asked Zombiebaron about Bizzeebeever's remarkable dominance of a game that no one else plays, he was heard to remark "Zombiebaron", which our interpreters took to mean "Can someone please ban that guy? I am too lazy to do it myself." We at the Unsignpost do hope that Bizzeebeever holds on to his current position as Head of Quality Assurance at the dildo factory, for we have missed his hilarious forum posts almost as much as we missed his habit of talking himself up in the Unsignpost ...and his limpid blue eyes ...and his silky-soft golden locks ...and the charmingly-gnarled 40 kg tumor jutting from his neck—you know the one, it resembles the offspring of a blood tangerine and a baboon, and contains both hair and teeth...? (That might be his head; we're not sure.) Anyway, yes, we all love Bizzeebeever, and we hope he stays "returned", at least until the judge decides whether to hold him indefinitely, or just chemically castrate him, for the safety of the public. Return of the OTHER Prodigal Son By: Bizzeebeever This past week, another intermittent Uncyclopedia member (and full-time Mensch-in-Chief), TKF, returned to swear at SPIKE; delete articles which had even votes on VFD; ban people; feature an article with one "For" vote, one "Against" vote, and one comment on VFH; and be a generally hilarious excuse for an administrator. We all want to be you when we grow up, TKF!

Check out these pages! Some forum or other Almost forgot about this one... ZOMG NOOOOOO! Morons whining impotently As usual, VOTE YOU FAGS Srsly, somebody should do something about this shit Current op abuse: 04:58, November 6, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Romartus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Adding yourself to ban patrol (I seroiusly tried very hard not to do this, I SWEAR!)) 10:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 03:00, November 18, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Aimsplode (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (Asked to be blocked for 5 seconds, alas I can't spell.) 19:24, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Nothing can get me ready for a day of school like blocking chief for no reason.) 21:44, May 19, 2013 Famine (Talk | contribs) blocked Everyone (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Wouldn't it be cool if this actually happened (lol)) Biopic of the Week This week's biopic concerns Hipster, who used to be Hypster, who used to be Another n00b, who was ...apparently a doody-headed dildo who pissed off other users by NOT INDENTING COMMENTS PROPERLY and BEING FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. (No, seriously.) A doody-headed dildo who was given his very own section in the Right Honourable Flammable's Bureau of Overreaction, Never-ending Embarrassment and Regret (BONER), shortly before accepting a free ban for life from Zombiebaron. However, the Autist Previously Known As Another_N00b made his return to the wiki via sockpuppet last year, and only just this week was found out...by audaciously admitting who he was, right there on his talk page, for God and all the bourgeoisie to see. Unfortunately for those whose ban-fingers were itching this week, the incorrigible little twit seems intent on becoming a useful member of society, seeking redemption by turning 17, making edits that aren't actually vandalism, and (only occasionally) calling other users "utter fuckwads". He even wished Uncyc admin Frosty a speedy recovery from his car accident with the tremendous words "Exactly how does any of this nonsense affect me and why should I care?" We at the Unsignpost salute Hipster on his freewheeling, brutally honest style, and wish him the best of luck in the forty minutes that will elapse before Frosty drops a uranium banhammer on him. We're rooting for ya, Hipster! Old-School FA A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder. The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, electric windows, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of hours before anyone put it into practice. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Castoreum: \cas*to"re*um\ n. 1. a peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver. You're welcome. Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. As the Unsignpost could no longer afford the Uncyclopedia dog's increasingly ludicrous demands for royalties, he has been made redundant. His relatives have been notified.

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 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Nov 20 '12 8:59 (UTC)

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Nov 27, 2012 • Issue 176 • I scream, you scream, we all scream...for painful orgasms

Good news, everybody! We're saved! By: Bizzeebeever No, Uncyclopedia has not gotten religion; it's still full of degenerates, wang vandals, and that scourge of gay men everywhere: uncensored images of boobies. However, it has seen a recent influx of old and new users, most of whom apparently never got the memo about how Uncyclopedia sucks, or how Uncyclopedia is dying, or how Uncyclopedia will be contagious for another six weeks before the amoxicillin starts working. Returning recently like a scorching case of gonorrhea were Meganew (!), Socky, NoNamesLeft (to the everlasting delight of Frosty), and Master of Menageries Comicat1, who took a six-month sabbatical to invent preposterous new animals on the Serengeti. New users include Sinner George, MagicBus, Leverage, Fakehater and Kamek98, who have all taken to editing like ducks take to water—of course proving that they are all sockpuppets of someone, for which they will all be perm-banned, just as soon as Frosty can figure out who. Lastly but not leastly, we celebrate the arrival of the ridiculously competent Murder Frog, who brings expertise on influential musicians of the last century, but, more importantly, has the most awesome name since the Universe itself birthed Captain Machinegun Thunderpants Fuckmaster on a pile of slaughtered tigers. The UnSignpost welcomes them, one and all, and hopes that their tranquilizers don't wear off while they still remember how to leave. Obituary for a friend By: Bizzeebeever Stay classy, Uncyclopedia! Thanksgiving came and went on Uncyclopedia this past week, and while the rest of the world was busy cracking jokes about how Americans really don't need to throw a holiday as an excuse for eating, a certain Uncyclopedia tradition was busy getting beaten, raped, and left for dead in the compost-bin of memory. Yes, we were referring to the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball; how did you know? For those of you who don't remember, or don't want to remember (we assume that's all of you), the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball was the once-mighty celebration of sex-, torture- and scat-based humor so debauched and vile that it would shame a London dockside whore, and not a fresh young one, either—one that had been "fucked around the fleet". Sadly, no one even remembered the damn thing until two days before Thanksgiving, and when Uncyclopedia's favorite whipping boy brought up the subject in a forum, he was met by a silence so vast that we assume he fell into it, because we haven't seen him since. Being Kip, though, he'll probably pop back up through a sewer grate somewhere. Swim hard, Kip. The ATDB left no survivors; its limp corpse will be thoroughly sexually abused, its intestines torn apart and worn around necks like Christmas garland, and its remains will be fed to a freshly no-legged midget with a massive dildo rammed up his butt. Damn you, Mhaille and Zombiebaron, you lazy useless fucks. Esoteric bullshit By Editor A certain faithful UnSignpost reader recently noted via electronic signal that the UnSignpost's last edition was both "spam" and "esoteric bullshit". We Here At the UnSignpost™ were, to be frank, shocked and dismayed by this statement, for it was never our intent to be anything but the most outrageously stupid, inane, crass, vulgar, rude, boorish, inbred, brain-dead, emotionally-stunted, anti-literate, fucked-up and all-around retarded puddle of gassy splooge east or west of the Mississippi—or any river, for that matter. In this endeavor, however, it seems we have failed. "Sit and spin, Hotadmin4u69." ~Jesus Yes, someone has beat us to it, and by a wide margin, for he is the undisputed champion of such sculduddery. So we offer up our most heartfelt apology to that reader, who shall remain nameless (it was Hotadmin4u69), and we humbly admit that we stand in awe of his ability to pick the gayest user name possible, not once, but twice. However, while we wish him the best of luck in disentangling his dental retainer from his own scrotum, we would like to remind him of the famous adage, Never quarrel with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Frosty Sez: "Patrol RecentChanges, fags, 'cuz I'm not doing it anymore." Check out these pages! Yes, it is still going Whoever "snerk" is, he can't keep it in his pants. It is very very important that you know this Our suspicions are finally confirmed. WHY GOD WHY Current op abuse: 02:57, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.142.161 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 years ‎ (Still loving the penis after all these years, huh?) 09:13, November 22, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't recreate crap. Take a tissue.) 05:49, November 26, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.45.119.19 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Back so soon? And guess what...you're still acting like a twat. I am extending your break Short Trousers.) 20:41, November 27, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.9.19.97 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (POOP.) Biopic of the Week In this edition of the Weekly Biopic, (gasp gasp...running out of ways to rephrase that!) the UnSignpost is spotlighting one of our newer members, Snippy, who makes silk purses out of sow's ears, reverts morons and vandals like reverting is going out of style, and is liked by one and all. In fact, this past week, Frosty claims he was in Snippy's lovely hometown of Byron Bay, New South Wales, to deliver Snippy's prize for being named Uncyclopedian of the Month: a forceful, lingering kiss on the lips, followed by a random sex act. Congratulations, Snippy, and we hope it only hurt for the first 15 minutes! Now that all your hard work has received recognition by your peers, please get out there and shovel some more shit; you missed a big pile of it. Sorry, our only shovel is broken; you'll have to use your shoes. Pity, they looked like very nice suede. Oh, well. Next week, look for a profile of Leverage! Before he disappears from the site forever, of course. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Penis-sheath: An insult comparing the insultee to an article of clothing worn around the Johnson. Neither the insult nor the article of clothing actually existed up until I just now invented them. You're welcome. This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™ On or around this date in 2007, Dr. Skullthumper made the following edit: Added "800px" to an image in Kitten Huffing A quick review of the Good Doctor's edit history shows that, in 2007, he had less of a life than I do now. Thank you for reading This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™! Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. UnSignpost management is currently in negotiations with a supplier of illegal fighting dogs to provide a temporary substitute for the late UnSignpost mascot. We will miss you, UnSignpost Dog.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Nov 29 '12 5:25 (UTC)

Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

Dec 6th, 2012 • Issue 177 • OH GOD RUN! IT HAS GENITALS, AND IT IS IN SEARCH OF A MATE!

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:56 (UTC)

Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

Dec 12th, 2012 • Issue 178 • Only wild horses can tear me apart.

Peas offering By Kip Ed. note: in a spasm of Darwinian fish-eat-fish madness, self-described "cock-juggling thunder-cunt" Thekillerfroggy has been riding a white horse with Death following after, especially targeting SPIKE, who, on his own time, has been gnawing the heads off of newbies and IPs alike. Here to comment on the lulz-filled proceedings is our own field-correspondent (yes we have a field correspondent, stop looking at us like that), Kip the Dip: I was asked to write a guest editorial, so let's get this over with. In the spirit of the Christmas and/or Holiday Season, I would like to offer an olive branch of peace. We could all use a little more peace around here. Well, not here, per se, because drama is always welcome amusement for me. More so than in places like the Middle East—the Middle East needs to calm the fuck down and Uncyclopedia needs to be more like the Middle East is what I'm trying to say. Still, drama isn't always amusing. For example, I won't be on the front page next month (I mean, if (point for humility) I win an award) because someone is having a pissy-fit over some bollocks and removed the awards from the front page. In this particular case, we need to pee on the fire, rather than fan the flames. The conflict I'm referring to is between two celebrated users, Thekillerfroggy and SPIKE. The root of this tension stems from the fact that TKF thinks SPIKE is the worst person ever and should leave this site, or at least stop sucking his own dick. Basically, SPIKE is to TKF what Toby is to Michael on The Office. Particularly if there were a British equivalent to Toby. God, that's a good show. Or was. It really blows now. Let me just say that you both have your faults. TKF: You need to stop being a dick, even when it is more hilarious than when it isn't. You appear to be in a drunken rage. I realize it's Hanukkah, but you should really tone it down on the whine. And SPIKE: Well, I just think you're a textbook case of someone who needs to masturbate more. I suggest you start December 25th, when you're having a less-than-sufficient amount of fun reading my holiday-themed articles. Despite these differences, you both have one thing in common: You're Uncyclopedians. And the essence of being an Uncyclopedian is appreciating the art of Comedy. When the world is at its darkest, we rely on the light of humor, parody and satire. Some have said that Uncyclopedia is at its darkest point right now, that our brightest days are far behind. Yet if the annual winter solstice teaches us anything, it's that the brightest days always follow the darkest nights. Or some sugary moral message like that. I mostly just wanted to drop a few horrible puns and get away with insulting you both all over the site. Merry Christmas! Today's date is significant! By Bizzeebeever Because Joey Numbers has his first feature, Wikia are censoring cocks, and it's 12/12/12. That's why, bitches. Shown: classical art, according to Wikia. Uncyclopedia and social nutworking! Do you have a lame sense of humor that is best expressed in 140 characters or less? Do you enjoy ruining the mojo of entire websites? Do you have a tiny penis, or none at all? Then have we got news for you! Those of you who wish to do a better job of misrepresenting Uncyclopedia on all the popular social platforms, including YouBoob, Twatter, Facebutt, StubbleUpon, Porntrest, Cumblr, Spreddit, and all the others, are hereby invited to hit up Hotadmin4u69's talk page, and to do it forthwith, post-haste. Why? Because Hotadmin4u69 runs Uncyclopedia's social networking presenceses...es, all by his lonesome—or at least he did...until now. But he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOAH! No, seriously, he's going to quit the wiki entirely (as if he hasn't already) if people don't lend him a hand. He loves you all, but you all suck, and it's a thankless task—almost as thankless as writing and delivering this drivel every week.

Check out these pages! Very, very sad, really. Kindly take that language elsewhere, sir. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. From our logs: The ban that started all the fun 03:37, December 10, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I just swallowed a little bit of my own vomit reading you put down a noob then proceed to suck your own dick for five whole lines of what I presume to be english words) Mad-libs ban: 16:08, December 11, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Hi, I'm Fuck You. I like gay bum sex with You're Banned. And sometimes I like to suck Don't Come Back's fat cock.) Get a room, girls! 01:41, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 226 hours 37 minutes 45 seconds ‎ (Idling on IRC for this long like a true gay faggot <3) 23:01, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Frosty has both female and male genitals. The more you know.) 23:23, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Hold on I've gotta figure out how to deop you before you can unban yourself) 23:24, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (pwnt.) 23:27, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (lol obvi i was joking although i agree it will be funnier next time when i deop you before the ban) Biopic of the Week Last week we promised you hookers, rum and flavored spermicide, so here you are. Ha ha ha, just kidding! No, this week's biopic is about Sinner George, whose exceedingly clever user handle is a reference to Saint George, patron saint to all Greeks everywhere, which tells us that he is Greek. As does his user page, and the little flag next to his signature. Unfortunately, we know absolutely nothing else about Sinner George; however, as this has never stopped us from writing a biopic before, we asked our Field Correspondent Kip the Dip to discover some fascinating things about this fascinating newbie. Here's a transcript of our conversation: <Editor> Kip: know anything about sinner george? <Kip> No. <Editor> Make one or two things up. I have a biopic to write! <Kip> He likes Greek food because he's Greek. <Editor> Excellent. <Kip> Also, he's probably hairy. <Editor> Yes, yes, also excellent. So there you have it! Sinner George is (a) new to the 'pedia, (b) Greek, and (c) therefore probably not someone who reads the UnSignpost. Your loss, George! UnSignpost Word of the Week Censorship: see Wikia. (This Section Intentionally Left Blank)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

-- Kip > Talk • Works • • 14:04, Dec. 12, 2012

Have you been gone?

Did you take a break? If so, I'm glad you might be back, especially with all the stuff that's going to go down here with WIKIA and with some admins organizing a new site for uncyclopedia, it'll get crazy man. I wish WIKIA would give in a little bit, and do some negotiating about content and that stupid entrance template (it can be vastly improved at a minimum). But then what will the new site be like. The proposals and discussions will be like flypaper. What are your best pages lately? I wanna see, I wanna see!!!! Al 1:18 15-1212

Spam

Matt, just got spam from your account (regarding a work-at-home scam) that did not seem as though it was you typing. Is someone mining your address book? Spıke ¬ 15:26 15-Dec-12

p.s. Matt...I just got spam from your account too. Sends you to a link that looks like CBS business news, but its a fake (work-at-home) site as SPIKE says. --ShabiDOO 15:43, December 15, 2012 (UTC)

There are some web businesses (how you say "foreign dating"?) where open access to one's address book is part of the Terms and Conditions that we never read. Dare I say: There oughta be a law? Spıke ¬ 16:03 15-Dec-12

Same here. Dude, you've got a virus on your computer. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Dec 15 '12 18:08 (UTC)

Concur (in which case my above guess is wrong)--nothing in the email suggests that it came from a third party with borrowed information on recipients; it appears to come from Matt himself. Spıke ¬ 18:26 15-Dec-12

No way I sent you guys this crap! I also receive some from time to time. I'm gonna scan my PC with my antivirus... Mattsnow 22:37, December 15, 2012 (UTC)

I suggest Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware (free version), and then getting a decent email client such as Thunderbird, if you don't already have one. Also, you should Buy My Product! ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Dec 16 '12 9:55 (UTC)

I can't access my e-mail account anymore. Fuck! The PC is scanning with that anti virus you linked to, BB. How do I change the e-mail accounts for my FB and all that?? Mattsnow 21:12, December 16, 2012 (UTC)

Zheesh. That's hard core Matt. I wish I knew how to help you but I have NO clue. --ShabiDOO 22:04, December 16, 2012 (UTC)

Don't infect the rest of us, TypoidMatt. Get away. Yech, you coughed code on us, fuck, fix his ass, get away. And how do we know this is you talking here, it could be the thing. Oh fuck, I'm gettin outta here. no time to sign my fucking name, (sound of running can be heard)

MATTSNOW HAS TYPOID! You brought disease into our wiki! GET OUT OF HERE AND TAKE YOUR TYPIOD WITH YOU. You can leave your badge and gun on the desk. NOW GO! Go before you infect us and our fingers start to fall off. --ShabiDOO 22:51, December 16, 2012 (UTC)

I created a new e-mail address, changed all my passwords. If you receive crap from me, well it's not me lol Mattsnow 23:17, December 16, 2012 (UTC)

So you're claiming that you are completely clean and don't have anymore Typoid to spread around? --ShabiDOO 23:57, December 16, 2012 (UTC)

My former e-mail will continue to spread shit I guess. Just trash it should it shoot typhoid and AIDS around. Mattsnow 01:19, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

Matt, any virus is in your PC, not in your e-mail address. When you type your new e-mail address into your e-mail application (Outlook, Thunderbird, or whatever), any sophisticated virus (and it sounds as though this one is) will start using that instead. Separately, I deleted your additional information from my talk page and did not click on the link, as showing me the clever web page you were directed to could well also be the source of the infection. Spıke ¬ 01:23 17-Dec-12

Meh...everyone has AIDS these days. Nothing to worry about. I have heard though that there is this new straight people disease going around. Makes people to really strange things. I don't quite remember what its called. Maybe you or someone else does. --ShabiDOO 01:25, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

I scanned the PC with the Malwarebytes' Anti-Malware BB recommended and it didn't detect any virus. I'll run Norton's. Mattsnow 03:37, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

The originating IP listed in the email I got is 41.108.13.96, an Algeria Telecom IP, and if neither Norton nor MBAM find anything on your computer, I think you are virus-free, so SPIKE is probably right. Somebody in Algeria stole your password. Either (1) you accidentally gave your password to a phisher or spoofer, or (2) your password is "password" or "12345678" (or "qwertyuiop"). There's also a possibility that there's a cross-site-scripting (XSS) vulnerability in one of the sites where you use your email to log on, such as Facebook or Twitter, but I find this less likely, as such exploits are usually used to craft links that end up spamming Facebook or Twitter, not steal your email account password. If you are able to reset your passwords and challenge-questions, I think you'll probably be ok. You might also try contacting Microsoft and alerting them that your account has been co-opted. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Dec 17 '12 12:16 (UTC)

Kiddie porn; and Sheep porn

Bizzeebeever discreetly omits: (3) One of the dozens of porn sites you visit. Especially after clicking YES to free software to let you view those soft, jiggly things of which Wikia no longer lets us speak. You can deny it, Matt, but as we say, the proof is in the pudding. Spıke ¬ 12:49 17-Dec-12

MBAM usually catches stuff like that. It also reviews your porn and reports you if it finds any girls who look underage. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Dec 17 '12 13:23 (UTC)

Oooh! Can I set it to pre-screen?! Spıke ¬ 13:45 17-Dec-12

Only if you purchase the Pro version. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Dec 17 '12 14:01 (UTC)

And now...to speculate...just what kind of porn sites Mattsnow visits!!! --ShabiDOO 15:05, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

So this Algerian mofo controls it and changed the password... What can I do? Order Stephen Harper to bomb the place to rubble? This is a direct attack on the motherland!! Mattsnow 18:58, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

Like I said, I'd contact Hotmail/Microsoft and let 'em know the account was compromised. I would note that all of your logins up until now have been from Quebec, and NOW they're from Algeria; they can check that out, and at least shut down the account, even if they don't restore your access to it. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Dec 17 '12 19:48 (UTC)

Wow! so, that's not Matt typing to us even now?! Spıke ¬ 20:13 17-Dec-12

I'm leaning towards either "Persian cat on the keyboard" or "illiterate Uzbek sheep-slapper". ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Dec 17 '12 20:46 (UTC)

Is there a hidden message in there that you think Mattsnow likes Sheep porn? --ShabiDOO 23:29, December 17, 2012 (UTC)

Would any of you citizens of the Commonwealth undertake to give an actual comedy theme to Sheep (which I discussed today with Modusoperandi)? Spıke ¬ 23:40 17-Dec-12

Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

Dec 19th, 2012 • Issue 179 • YOUR JOKE HERE! Contact management for details.

Apocalypse postponed until after NFL playoffs By Editor This week, it was publicly confirmed for the first time that the on-again-off-again Apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, due to an accumulation of frozen water in and about the subterranean headquarters of Heck, Incorporated. Yes, it appears that Uncyclopedia's dwindling community of degenerates and failed comedy writers (which is literally the same thing, but never mind), having suffered far too long under the Wikian lash of nipple-and-dick censorship, have finally gotten their shit together, and are making a move to new hosting. News of the move came in Uncyclopedia's Village Dump, as part of a nonchalant post by Lyrithya, who returned to the site from her current job as a human spiderweb to stun, confound, and enrage exactly two people with her announcement. When asked why she chose now to de-bag her cat, instead of waiting for a more opportune moment (such as, y'know, after the fucking move actually happened), Lyrithya had this to say: "I was drunk." Salient words, indeed, which show she is an Uncyclopedian through-and-through, and which afford the rest of us an overwhelming sense of confidence in the Uncyclodepia Moving Company. Yes. High-jinks on the farm. However, while We Here At The UnSignpost™ lounge about and poke fun, you may rest assured that the technicians at Up With Uncyclodepia have not been taking it easy. It's been eleven months of back-breaking work out on the wiki farm, getting up at the crack of noon to shovel out the cow coop, milk the chickens, and slap the sheep for indulging in indelicate thoughts. According to an anonymous source at the highest level of Uncyclopedia's labyrinthine network of cabals, the move quite definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, will be happening at some distant point in the very near future, probably maybe, just as soon as all the ducks are lined up in convenient rows so that they can be loaded onto trains and sent to special camps. When we asked what the bloody devil this meant, we were told to shut up and move along, and that there is no cabal, which we admit must be true, as we have heard it so many times. So, to recap: Uncyclopedia is leaving Wikia for greener pastures, and as most things undertaken by Uncyclopedians happen, it will be slap-dash, semi-competent, and will probably result in everyone involved hating each other to the death, hopefully with the assistance of swords, horses, and heavy artillery. Reaction to the news! By: Editor As of press time, the list of Uncyclopedians furious at having been left out of all the fun could not be reached for comment, but are assumed to be boiling with righteous indignation. To make sense of the week's stunning development, we were able to get hold of an expert on all things frozen and hellish: Sumerian demon-king and devil-about-town, Pazuzu. "I was just doing what I usually do," said he, "by which I mean I was hanging out in some northeastern American town, whispering into the ear of a nondescript loner that guns are fun and kids love fun, and hey wouldn't it be cool if you combined the two?, when I heard that Uncyclopedia was leaving Wikia! I said shit, motherfucker! and ran over there as quick as I could to shut that shit down, but it was too late. And now my home Down Under is encased in ice. Man, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant, know what I mean?" We really didn't, but as we have always enjoyed not being frogs, and would prefer to maintain that state, we nodded furiously and thanked our interviewee for his time. Newbies! Protect them, love them, they are our future! Heil Newbies! By: Romartus How often has someone started a forum 'We're Doomed' or 'Where Domed' , and other variations of the announcement 'this website has moved away from my idea of what is funny' ? So what we can do here, but celebrate a clutch of new fully fledged contributors who arrived on our shores, all fresh and well-scrubbed! In recent months, we had Leverage produce articles faster than bindweed, and now he has joined by the likes of MagicBus (an admirer of The Who or a kaftan nostalgic?), news hound Bill Melater, and the ferocious Fakehater, who will rip your arms off if he detects you're a phony. Then there is Murder_Frog, who swears blind he is unrelated to another amphibian. (Evidently the lily pond is big enough for two croakers.) Another newbie who is currently taking a keen interest in Singapore is CDPCCNAC. What the name means, I have no idea, but perhaps he is wise to leave so few clues about his true identity. Then there is our own Mr Tambourine Man, Equilateralperil. Moving closer to the ground, looking for literary earthworms in his search for Sonic the Hedgehog-related stories, is Igotnothing, whilst from the Land of Connery is Dannyboy1209. A noob with ambition, Danny has already asked to become an admin and has nominated himself for everything. With an attitude like that, this one is going places—here, there or everywhere. Who will become the Noobs of Noobs and win something to stick on their bedroom door? The jury is out, and so am I, tonight. Go ahead, check these fledglings out here.

Check out these pages! No, no we are not. That is a vacuum cleaner, Aleister. No thanks. Shabidoo's 500th new forum! You win a prize, Shabidoo. Here's a mop. From our logs: This week, due to intense laziness on the part of our administrators, no one received a funny ban-summary. We have our best men on the case, and are ferreting out the source of this oversight. In the meantime, you should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty. Biopic of the Week For what we're quite certain is the first time in the long, inglorious history of the UnSignpost Biopic, our correspondents have actually interviewed an Uncyclopedian about themselves. It was a difficult job that was as hard on us as it was on Bill Melater, but the scratches and bite-marks are probably just superficial, and we were going to get a new pair of pinking shears anyway. To the facts: Bill enjoys making up fake names that are ribald puns, and he claims to be a Cuban-American cat owner living with his beautiful Russian bride, Ripya Kokov, in the wonderful country of Finland, which he terms "the home of comedic flop-sweat". The UnSignpost has never been to a comedy club in Finland, but rest assured that if we visit one in the future, we will bring towels and an industrial-sized drum of Clorox. Bill also claims he's 47 years old, which we believe makes him the third-oldest active Uncyclopedian, behind SPIKE, who was born during Woodrow Wilson's second term, and Romartus, who we understand still owes Hadrian five denarii for a mule that he borrowed and never returned Anyway, We Here At The UnSignpost™ feel that Bill is selling himself short. Bald, fat, married, and living in one of the coldest, darkest countries on Earth?! Ladies of Finland, I sense an opportunity! If you're looking for hot, sweaty lust with a middle-aged Yankee Lothario who isn't getting any, and is therefore filled to the brim with sexual angst... don't look at Bill Melater, because his wife just found his talk page, where he described himself as "pussy-whipped." Ouch. You thought Finland was cold in the winter? You ain't met Ripya Kokov. Word of the week, provided by: Bill Melater Pussy-whipped 1. a phrase used to describe the state of a person who has been beaten with a cat. Believed to have originated during reign of Ramses II. 2. something you say when you hope your wife isn't listening. Newsroom UnTune of the week UnNews:Hark! The Herald Angus Sings It's an UnTune AND an UnNews, because that's how Kip the Dip rolls, bitches! (You're welcome, Kip.)

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:30 (UTC)

I come dressed as a whore

Hello Sailor! Psst, check this out, if you like what you see then she'll visit you long time. Ummmmmmmm, whores. (have you read the page yet? If you didn't like it, never mind, move along, nothing to see here.} Come back full time, or at least 20 minutes a day, heh? Al no time in a black hole

p.s. And HowTo:Beet off is no slacker either. Beeting off in a black hole is my cup of tea (there is no tea in team). That's what I have to say. And when is Puppy when we miss him, sigh. Al

2013

Hey buddy, thanks for the good wishes. I'm sure you'll have a blast. If you're in Quebec city, I remember the fireworks being uber cool! Indeed, let's get Krypton polished and featured...and then convince Ali and Magicman to get the "spam" article going! :) Happy new year b*tch mo fo. --ShabiDOO 03:15, December 31, 2012 (UTC)

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

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January 2nd, 2013 • Issue 180 • We always do it Manually!

Vote! Or else! By Chief This image has not been altered in any way Is it that time of year again? It's the time when everyone celebrates the people who are the most remarkable amongst us at everything except what matters. It's time for Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year. These compliment our small selection of awards: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to all the userspace awards. Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer. As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief". Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls." Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles. From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience By Nobody Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter. Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you. It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled. Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal. Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy. Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you. That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.

Check out these pages! BURN THE WIKI BURN IT TO THE GROUND A long, long, very long forum where nothing was accomplished and everybody eventually just started typing random bullshit. A bad, bad, very bad idea, which the UnSignpost endorses with full vigor. An even worse idea. A page where Kip the Dip takes credit for something bad, very bad. A discussion far more important than any of the preceding links. Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home: 03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha)) 22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....) 23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with) 19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds ‎ (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.) 03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (User request) 16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.) 01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator) Biopic of the Week When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared: Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team. As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it. He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary. For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas. So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read. Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song This space left intentionally penis.

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:21 (UTC) Chief zapped me in the unsignpost, but he was making different sounds last night - with my grandma. Hahahahahaheheheheheeheheheheeetc. I was all set to vote against the don't vote for my dog page too, but I ended up voting for the dog. So my only question is, did you vote? If you did please consider changing your vote, because I don't fucking believe I voted for it and want lots of company. If you didn't vote, never mind. Aleister 1:27 3-1-'13