User talk:Matthlock/archive1
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Hello, you have reached Matthlock’s talk page. Please leave a message and/or a picture I might enjoy after the beep.
If your name’s on the following list, then feel free to trash my talk page leave me a message at will.
And Sir Frosty, if you have anything to say to me, then just say it to me, because you’re like a second father to me, in spite of the obvious fact that I’m 5 months and 12 days older than you.
And Haydrahlienne, I’d like to personally thank you for delivering the UnSignpost to my talk page every week. I just love it how nowadays I almost always see this box show up on the screen when I log on to Uncyclopedia:
Anyway, do your thing when you hear the beep. CENSORED
Welcome!
Hello, Matthlock, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you:
- Beginner's Guide
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
- How to be funny and not just stupid
If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
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At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:Matthlock/Article about stuff) so you can edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done put the "Work-In-Progress" template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.
If the current colonization doesn't suit your fancy, then browse our rewrite and idea categories. We have lots of articles just sitting around for someone to improve, so don't be afraid - dive right in!
If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Simply leave a message on an adopter's talkpage to join. Again, welcome! ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 
08:15, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
Categorizing
Ok some protips with categorizing pages and stuff:
- If it has enough categories (or too many) please don't add more.
- Don't categorize other users unless they ask / its a joke categry
- DO NOT CATEGORIZE IPs at all.
- Don't add stupid categories to where they obviously don't belong
I think thats it. You should try and write an article..... ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 22:47, October 22, 2011 (UTC)
Hi Matthlock
Welcome! I see you created an article about George Carlin, maybe it's not such a good idea since there's already one existing, and it has been featured, so the article is likely to be not too bad. Just saying, so that you don't have the bad surprise after your hard work! Cheers! 
Mattsnow 22:36, November 21, 2011 (UTC)
UN:SIG
Please do not add images larger than 15 pixels. Read UN:SIG for more information. Thank you. --
PLEB SIR Lollipop (TALK) - updated on 21 November 2011, at 23:19
- What he said. No images larger than 15 pixels. Next offense will result in a ban. -RAHB 07:18, November 22, 2011 (UTC)
/* Uncyclopedia:How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid */
Please look back at Uncyclopedia talk:How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid now! Some pages hardly get updated when some people want them to, and they alert the last contributor on the last contributor's user talk page. --218.186.15.10 09:05, November 26, 2011 (UTC)
I answered to you on my talkpage!
Click the snowflake to proceed! Mattsnow 23:03, November 30, 2011 (UTC)
No need to be alarmed
I'm planning on making great changes to my user page. No need to worry, I'll keep my old page in User:Matthlock/old. I'd just like to say this so no one would be surprised. -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 00:15, December 10, 2011 (UTC)
Can you...
Not edit other users pages without their permission? ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 23:39, December 17, 2011 (UTC)
Answer to your question.
If you fear someone has had access to your account, I'd recommend you change your password immediately. go to your preferences menu and you will find the option, merely follow the options and you're done :D ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 21:38, December 27, 2011 (UTC)
George Carlin
Awesome, no problem at all just go ahead! :) Mattsnow 00:48, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
- I'll do it, it's easy. Give me the link and the title you'd want it to have. Are you finished with it? If so, I'll put it on mainspace. You could also do it yourself with the "move" buttn, but that would leave a redirect since you don't have rollback. Therefore being kinda cool, but not as much as you could be lol
Mattsnow 01:00, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
As you requested
In reply to that stuff you put on my talk page
- Tourism - There is a lot more than people think, so state by state:
- NSW - Sydney for sure, you have the harbour bridge, the Opera house, Darling harbour, Bondi beach, Luna Park (a pretty lame themepark by your standards perhaps, but it's alright none the less) and a heap more. And that is Sydney alone. You can go out to the Blue Mountains about 2 / 3 hours West. You can either go with a group or catch the train or whatever you like. But I go there quite a bit its quite interesting. If you're planning on going around winter, go to the Snowy Mountains and Kosciuszko national park. Also climb the mountain, it's pretty cool (never done it myself though).
- Go to Canberra as well, there is stuff good stuff there, like Museums if you're into that sorta thing.
- Queensland - Gold coast, a tonne of themeparks a little further north of that, Brisbane, The Great Barrier Reef in the far north. Go there, I go there on holidays a fair bit.
- Victoria - Never been there myself, ask PuppyOnTheRadio I think he lives there.
- Tasmania - I went there with a schoo group, chocolate factories, cheeseries, and a great deal of cultural stuff (mainly 1800s and early 1900s)
- South Australia - Wine making around the Berossa Valley, Opal mines, Adelaide (pretty boring actually)
- Northern Territory - Kakadu (Australia's largest national park), Uluru and lot a lot else that I know of.
- Western Australia - Not a lot I know about this state, all I know it's got keaps of Iron ore and Coal mines
It is recommended you don't attempt to do all this.
- Movies - Lame and outdated, Australia makes shit movies to be honest. Nothing is really that different except we drive on the left side of the road.
- Customs - I don't know American customs O_o. But generally most people won't mind too greatly, they understand you're foreign.
- Slang? - Don't use it. With an American accent, any attempts at slang will have you labelled as a total cunt. Don't do it. Speak like you would normally and everything will be fine.
- Clothing - Its the middle of Summer over here, if you're in the northern US it will be quite a lot warmer than the summer you're used to (its about 28 C over here, not sure what it is in Fahrenheit). If you're in the Southern US its probably a little less harsh. The climate does vary though, if you're traveling around May / June bring both, it can quite cold around Tasmania and still be 30+ around the Northern parts. So basically prepare for the exact opposite of what you're experiencing right now, and if its winter over hear do bring SOME clothing for warm weather.
- Meet up - I'm a good hour and a half from any major city, so unless you'd enjoy traveling out to the most uninteresting of spots, I'll have to give that one a pass. Sorry. That and my parents would be somewhat hesitant in letting me go see a person I've never met before.
Hope this helps, you should ask PuppyOnTheRadio too. And yes, watch The Castle. Quite uhhh... interesting. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:56, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
- One custom you should be aware of is tippin over here is not like the US. Waiters and the like are often compensated by salary and the need to tip is not as great. A 10% tip would be considered generous. Having said that, we are also aware that US culture is heavier on tipping, so of you don't tip at all we'd think you were cheap. Also the dollar here is about on par with the US at the moment, but cost of living is higher. A $5 DVD there would go for about $20 here. But the main thing is the bulk of the population live on the coast, or within a short-ish drive of it. We do have a big beach culture here. Be prepared to go to the beach, and although we play it up a bit the snakes and spiders aren't too bad - you just have to learn to avoid them if possible. Pup 02:34 07 Jan '12
- Oh, and please don't try and use Australian slang. The only thing you need to understand is "no worries" or "no wuckers" means that everything is fine and there is no need to get uptight. And "Sweet" means much the same thing. Don't use them, but don't be surprised if you hear them. And Melbourne is good for good food and coffee, and regional Victoria has some fantastic wine and beaches. Pup 02:37 07 Jan '12
UnSignpost - 12 January 2012
The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!
January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.
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TAW!
 TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted.  A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares?
 Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement
You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with. |
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~ 
I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:07, 12 January 2012
My brain
Okay - I can't really do much to help directly with Carlin, but I can tell you how I write. It might be a little dry, but when I get meta that happens.
- Know your product I tend to do a bit of research when I write. One of my most recent articles was HowTo: Be Happy. I'm not saying it's brilliant, but it's the closest to top of mind. First thing I did was read half a dozen articles on the topic. I worked my way to a point where I could write a serious article on the topic. The more you know about a topic the more you can do with it.
- Create a concept This is where the research pays off. Inherit in everything is an element of the ridiculous. By knowing your topic you can find that ridiculous element, or elements. A concept can often be only a sentence or two, or it can be more complex. For examples:
- Mackenzie Bowell - Canadian Prime Minister. His name leads to poo jokes, which can also work with other elements - his cabinet, privy council, Bowell movement. American attitude to Canada - "who wants a Bowell movement above their heads?" Orange Grand Poobah - is he orange due to digestive problems. More political - he was a Protestant forced to support Catholic views. He ran his own local newspaper - Murdoch associations?
- Salvador Dali - ignore his art - he dropped out of art school, politically inactive, no other successful career. Make him out to be a classic failure at everything. Come back to his art - so bad at that he couldn't do anything realistic so became surreal by accident.
- HowTo: Be Happy Take some basic tenants of pop psychology and turn them on their head. Make it depressing.
- Love Impossible to define as it has a myriad of definitions. Different cultures look at it very different ways. Jokes about sex.
- Also have a look at UN:IC talk pages for the last few colonisations. Several authors put down their thought processes as to what can be done. Good ones are used, bad ones discarded.
- Start writing Once you have settled on a concept, then start putting stuff together. HTBFANJS has some brilliant suggestions as to what makes funny. It also suggests things to avoid. Note: it's not for everyone - Aleister in chains has never read it, for instance. But if you're sitting there wondering where to go, it can help. Once you start there is no such thing as a bad idea. If it might be funny, then go with it.
- Leave it alone Give yourself a day, or maybe more. You've started the process of writing while not writing a single word. Your brain will be ticking away while you're nowhere near it. Keep thinking about it in quiet moments.
- Come back to what you have done. If you're lucky you'll have had a revelation of this is how it should be done. If not, add whatever you've been thinking about, and get rid of the bad stuff, improve the okay stuff, and expand the great stuff (without running the joke into the ground).
Then it's all about rest and polish. Don't be afraid to stop at an okay or bad article if that's as far as you can go. Spend your energy on what is working and rest what isn't. Believe me, I have written some absolute garbage, but while it rested I wrote better, and I came back after a while and improved it. (There's one article that I still feel is unfinished that I have had on the go for 2.5 years.)
And finally a note of caution: Random is not always funny, and is never funny unless polished. Swearing is only funny in context - like any taboo swearing relies on a shock or surprise to get the humour, or on witty or punny value. Saying fuck fuck fuck is not funny. But someone singing the US anthem with hiccups and saying My count-HIC- 'tis of thee can get a laugh. Repetition can get a laugh, but it can easily fall on its face. Street Fighter relies on repetition to make a VERY long joke. It extends it with one-liners and variation, but it's still the same message repeated over and over again. That worked, but if it had been done another way it could have gone down very badly.
As for Carlin, read up on him. What is it about him that makes him ripe for ridicule? Maybe you could write his life story in his own style, or maybe his political agenda is screwy and can be made fun of. Maybe it's something completely different altogether. Get that concept right to begin with, though, and then the rest has someplace to go. Pup 04:55 13 Jan '12
UnSignpost - 19 January 2012
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism!
January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!
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We're all going to die!
 Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be!  Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout.
All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added " In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:09, 19 January 2012
London calling...
Its shit, I've only visited three times in my entire life and hated every second of it, the subway is like some creepy location from a zombie movie, the beer is awful, anyhoo, I get nosebleeds anywhere south of Birmingham. -- Sir Mhaille 
(talk to me)
UnSignpost - 26 January 2012
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!
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Phoning it in!
 That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button.
Found it.
Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:29, 26 January 2012
UnSignpost - 3 February 2012
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!
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On Felonies And Awards
Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners.
Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support
 Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:12, 3 February 2012
Redirects
Please don't create mainspace redirects to your userspace. It ain't proper, or something. ~ 
06:12, 3 February 2012
Why I am not mainspacing the Cthulhu soujourn thing
Believe it or not, this sojourn was previously deleted on VFD but I thought it was good enough for my userspace. I am not the original author or anything. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 18:19, February 3, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 10 February 2012
All your readers are belong to us
February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!
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Something happened this week.
 In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then. Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me. Shit Happens Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers. So remember kids ... always be posi-  |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:25, 10 February 2012
The UnSignpost
There's not much to tell, really; Wikipedia has a Signpost so we decided Uncyclopedia ought to have one as well. Originally I thought it might be a nice way for people who have been away from Uncyclopedia for a bit to catch up on what's going on, since a lot used to happen here in a relatively short space of time. It was also meant to take the piss out of site-wide dramafests as well and try to re-inject a sense of humor about certain things.
Then we abandoned it. Then some other people picked it up.
I have no idea what's happening with it now.
Also here's a semi-related bit from Cajek's talkpage. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • formspring) 03:34 Feb 18, 2012
UnSignpost - 18 February 2012
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism!
February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.
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Important competition news As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours. What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly.  MOAR PENIS
Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this... Prepare for World Domination
After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered. Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha? It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro." Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:57, 18 February 2012
UnSignpost - 23 February 2012
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!
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Softly softly, happy Monkey
Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else. For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair". The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else.  For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra. Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?". The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?". The Forum
 TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???". Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed. The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month. In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:49, 23 February 2012
Right-o
Here's your article. Cheers! -RAHB 08:38, February 23, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 1 March 2012
The Newspaper That Replaces Analysis With Flashy Graphics!
March 1, 2012 • Issue 160 • You are all about to die.
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Nothing.
So I got up this morning, ate some breakfast and watched some television, ya know, just normal morning stuff. Then I decided it was time for me to check Uncyclopedia, as I do every day. So I walk over to my computer, turn on the screen and bring up Safari. I go to Uncyclopedia, log in and what do I see? Oh, I'll tell you what I saw. This thing that I saw was so terrible, I almost died. What I saw was... NOTHING. C'mon, guys, can't you do anything? Start a competition, a new exciting forum, even drama! Anything! I mean, I can't be expected to entertain myself, can I? And to any of you smart-asses out there who tell me that nothing is something in and of itself, shut up and go fall in a hole full of pointy objects; you know what that would be helping by telling me that? Take a guess. News? For those with eyes in their brains and mugs in their ale, it should be clear that all manner of very important things have been occurring in the news. Or is this the news? Well, you get the idea. Apparently Uncyclopedians, Shabidoo in particular, think there is something wrong with the site. While this is indoubti-bi-tubby the case, a more pressing concern we must bring up is this: has there ever been anything right with the site? Today the scare involves NotM, a highly prestigious award won by all the people who aren't here right now, and how it creates problems in regards to new editor retention, despite the minor issue that we would have to have new editors in the first place in order to retain any of them. Another scare involves the complete lack of sufficient delete votes on VFD, along with the fact that Sycamore wants to decrease the maximum number of active votes there to 14 when 15 would in fact be a much more round number, and to decrease the score required to delete things from 5 to 4, when 5 is also a much more round number. We suspect Sycamore just has something against round numbers, probably due to some childhood trauma or something, unless it turns out that these are the wrong notes and it was someone else who wanted to do all that. Everything's so blurry.  In other news, Wikia broke the site again, our illustrious admins keep forgetting to update the feature queue, VFP is lacking an appropriate number of votes, containing only the nominations of three images by Zombiebaron, who demands that more people vote for them because pi is awesome, and Uncyclopedia needs more sharons. And I really need to lie down. Profit! Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to.  A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions. Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much. Editor's note: This is most certainly not a veiled attempt by the resident money launderers to give them something to launder. The people want this. They already have a number of ideas relating to the promotion and growth of the site, and want your feedback so they can have feedback! Yes! |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:27, 1 March 2012
Wikipedia:Wikipedia Signpost
I saw a question. Had to answer. Pup 06:02 03 Mar '12
- A little bit confused by that, but that's okay. -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:13, March 3, 2012 (UTC)
Check out British Moon Landing for the answer to your prayers. Aleister 23:24 3-3-'12
- p.s. And I like the start of your Talal page, I've never heard of him and just read the wikipedia article. In two months he did lots of very good stuff. Yay Talal! —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Aleister in Chains (talk • contribs)
N00B of the month
I honestly don't know why I have been nominated, Sir Frosty says that I haven't created any articles, which is why I got nominated. -- UserTalkContributions 00:31, March 4, 2012 (UTC)
- And Matthlock, you have been here way too long to be a noob. Even under a stretch definition of noob. Nice work, by the way. Aleister 00:36 4-3-'12
Your note: Commies have it made in the shade in some nations, and are paid to be laid in the shade in others. Aleister 00:53 4-3-'12
- So wait, is that good or bad, Aleister? -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 00:54, March 4, 2012 (UTC)
Article stuff
It needs to be more than a few lines. Very few articles survive at that length, you need to make it longer with sections and stuff. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 07:00, March 4, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - 8 March 2012
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
March 8th, 2012 • Issue 161 • The most recycled periodical on the internet!
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Vote for Change
 There have been rumblings on the wiki this week, and not just because someone in the UnSignpost office insists it is their human right to have three kebabs for breakfast. These are the rumblings of discontent, and they stem from the behaviour of several users on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel. Frosty was decent enough to create a forum in the Ministry of Love explaining his discontent with pretty much everything IRC. Those of you who are fans of long blocks of text with lots of unnecessary swearing will not be disappointed as Frosty delivers Uncyclopedia's first blockbuster of 2012. The crux of the issue is that the Uncyclopedia IRC channel is not unlike my back garden, dangerous to enter alone for fear that Olipro will burst from the undergrowth and verbally assault you before hiding in the shed. There appear to be several views on this issue, besides the obvious; the UnSignpost sat down with Socky to discuss how we could fabricate a quote from him this week and he didn't say "I propose that all who argue should be put to death". Determined not to be outdone when it comes to simmering discontent with our benighted wiki, Lyrithya weighed into the forum to say that she too was disgusted with the present situation and something should be done. It's both worrying and strangely comforting that you can always rely on her for this particular viewpoint. The rebuttal to all these dissenting views has been varied, mostly involving admitting that yes Olipro and Dr. Skullthumper are an acquired taste and that everyone should generally go back to the important task of Speaking of maintaining the wiki, it is with great pride and the greatest pleasure that we bring to you more reforms from the keyboard of Dr. Skullthumper, Uncyclopedia's lead innovator and blue sky thinker. He proposes that in order to make new users feel welcome we should abolish Noob of the Month. Don't look at us like that; it makes complete sense to me: new users plus no awards equals a better Uncyclopedia. That isn't strictly true, as PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that instead of having a system by which we award one user the award per month we stack the new users up and treat them as though they were articles on VFH. This will at least kill two noobs with one stone, as nothing proves quite so heartbreaking as having your first article stomped on and then thrown into the bin because it "Lacks cultural significance". You could then change to the VFN page and watch yourself be stomped on and then thrown into the bin because "His/her articles lack cultural significance". Users interested in this plan should report here and support Thrak Thrak the destroyer of Worlds: May his power endure eternally, praise be, praise be to use the name he uses in his welcome message. Oh and in case you had forgotten, Thekillerfroggy still wants to sell Uncyclopedia to the man, man. Our pessimistic thought for the week goes to Electrified mocha chinchilla, who urges you to look on the bright side by saying: "Uncyclopedia will die if we do not make a conscious effort to expand our presence on the internet, thereby reaching a wider audience and attracting more contributors". So to conclude:
Only you can prevent forest fires, is what we would be saying if it was time for forest fire week again. It's not. Instead it is almost time for another Conservation Week! Unfamiliar with Conservation Week? Want to learn more? Why not head on over to the page and do a spot of reading? Or don't; trust that our summary of the rules is gospel and just start writing. Basically you rewrite articles so that they are no longer suitable for one of Dr. Skullthumper's templates of doom. Having completed your rewrite you gain a point, and you want to have more points than everyone, especially HauntedUndies, who is the Team Rocket of Conservation Week. Honestly, it's true. You can enter the competition for the low low price of ten English pounds, which goes towards oiling the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia. Your article should also contain at least two pictures of a Monkey, regardless of the subject matter. Well? What are you waiting for? HAH! False start; the competition isn't running just yet, and updates could come from anywhere, at literally any time. Check out the forum and await further instructions. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:19, 8 March 2012
- Thanks! -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 00:24, March 8, 2012 (UTC)
- You are welcome, human meat bag. ~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:55, 8 March 2012
- You are welcome, human meat bag. ~
I
haven't the slightest idea --Roman Dog Bird (talk) 22:37, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Did you want me to start a list? Pup 10:40 10 Mar '12
- Sure, why not? -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 22:40, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Yes, please --Roman Dog Bird (talk) 22:41, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- That comment was what we would usually refer to as a joke. Unfortunately, by calling my bluff, I have to respond by saying I don't have any items to add to such a list, except by referring to previous banned user insults. Pup 10:48 10 Mar '12
- Well, tell me this. Exactly how many times has Roman Dog Bird been banned? -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 22:56, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- That comment was what we would usually refer to as a joke. Unfortunately, by calling my bluff, I have to respond by saying I don't have any items to add to such a list, except by referring to previous banned user insults. Pup 10:48 10 Mar '12
Sir
Hey, I have to ask - what's your rank in the Order of Uncyclopedia? Technically only CUN and above are entitled to the honorific sir. ~ 23:03, 10 March 2012
- ¿Qué, señora? -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:09, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Si no eres de verdad un 'sir', tendré que pedirte a quitarlo de tu firma. ~ 23:23, 10 March 2012
- Well, I guess we can make an exception if he's already knighted in a different order. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:26, 10 March 2012
- Ну в любом случае, жаль, если я пьяный вас. -Sir Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:28, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Well, I guess we can make an exception if he's already knighted in a different order. —Sir Socky
- Si no eres de verdad un 'sir', tendré que pedirte a quitarlo de tu firma. ~
Let me put this another way - have you ever received a listed award, gotten a page to feature status, or otherwise met the requirements for a knighted rank on this wiki? If not, please remove it from your signature or it will be removed for you, and that will make the face of whoever has to remove it decidedly unhappy. — Lyrithya (talk) 23:35, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- I changed my signature, Lyrithya; tell me if this is better. -The Honorary Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:39, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- The sir part is, so thank you for that, but per UN:SIG the signature itself is much too long and this makes that even more apparent, so please fix that as well. — Lyrithya (talk) 23:42, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- All right ma'am, but remember I'm only one person. -The Honorary Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:43, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Actually, referring to yourself as 'The Honorary' still does misrepresent yourself on the wiki, just not so blatantly - consider changing it to just 'The'. And seriously, shorten your signature. — Lyrithya (talk) 23:45, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- All right Lyrithya, shortened my signature. But how can I get my signature to be a different color? (For example, red) -Matthlock (Don't get too mad) 23:56, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Oh that's easy! Just use <font color="red"> – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • formspring) 00:11 Mar 11, 2012
- Thank you. [[User:Matthlock|<span style="color:red;">Matthlock</span>]] will produce Matthlock. If you're going to do a fair amount of code, however, please use a template as explained on this page. It will keep things neater. ~ 06:31, 11 March 2012
- Oh that's easy! Just use <font color="red">
- All right Lyrithya, shortened my signature. But how can I get my signature to be a different color? (For example, red) -Matthlock (Don't get too mad) 23:56, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- Actually, referring to yourself as 'The Honorary' still does misrepresent yourself on the wiki, just not so blatantly - consider changing it to just 'The'. And seriously, shorten your signature. — Lyrithya (talk) 23:45, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- All right ma'am, but remember I'm only one person. -The Honorary Matthew Philip Matthlock, Attorney at Law LLC, 1-800-MTT-HLCK (Give me a call!) 23:43, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
- The sir part is, so thank you for that, but per UN:SIG the signature itself is much too long and this makes that even more apparent, so please fix that as well. — Lyrithya (talk) 23:42, March 10, 2012 (UTC)
You simply do not know
How notorious my signature is. You simply do not know the magnitude of its grandity! --ShabiDOO 04:02, March 12, 2012 (UTC)
- Speaking of sigs, I think that change is what you were after. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by PuppyOnTheRadio (talk • contribs) Mon, 12 Mar 2012 04:05:59 +0000
Lunar Lunacy
UKLanding01.jpg or Moon_landing_brit01.jpg - not sure which one you are more interested in? -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
Test site
I'm just trying this one on for size. Don't get too upset if it looks bad. Matthlock 
21:31, March 17, 2012 (UTC)
The Pea Buddy Awards
We need you! Either prepare yourself mentally for the severity of the trials (don't sign up just yet, you cheat!) or commit your soul as a judge right now. May the Lord shine His blessings upon thee! Mattsnow 00:29, March 20, 2012 (UTC)
- Um yeah, I guess I'll be a judge. Matthlock 22:31, March 21, 2012 (UTC)
Speaking of Irish...
I hate to be a big fat flaming Lyrithya, but goddamnit, fix your signature or I'll bollocks ya. Every time you sign something, it spews half a kilobyte of spooge all over the page. You just want THIS > {{User:Matthlock/sig}} 03:58, April 1, 2012 (UTC) < to show up. Here's how ya fix it: Go here. See where it says "custom signature"? Put THIS
{{Subst:Nosubst|User:Matthlock/sig}}
...in that box, and then hit save. Ok? Cool. Excellent. If you fix that, I promise we can be best friends. Possibly "forever", but I'm not makin' any guarantees. ~ BB ~ (T) 
~ Sun, Apr 1 '12 3:58 (UTC)
- Ha ha, you said "flaming"! Just kidding..... ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 04:12, April 1, 2012 (UTC)
- No need to apologize; I made the same mistake myself. :) ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Apr 1 '12 4:20 (UTC)
- Awesome. ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 04:21, April 1, 2012 (UTC)
- My screw-up even made it to the Unsignpost. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Apr 1 '12 4:27 (UTC)
- Say, speaking of which, where is the latest issue of the UnSignpost? ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 04:28, April 1, 2012 (UTC)
- Right here. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Apr 1 '12 4:41 (UTC)
- Right here. ~ BB ~ (T)
- Say, speaking of which, where is the latest issue of the UnSignpost? ☭ ♂ Matthlock
- My screw-up even made it to the Unsignpost. ~ BB ~ (T)
- Awesome. ☭ ♂ Matthlock
- No need to apologize; I made the same mistake myself. :) ~ BB ~ (T)
Lo
Your name sounds like Mattsnow. A coincidence? OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 08:48 1 April 2012
UnSignpost 5 April 2012
Now a major monopoly run by Xamralco
April 5th, 2012 • Issue 162 • Xamralco edition
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Xamralco
Hello, fellow Uncyclopedians. It is I, Xamralco, here to tell you that I have temporarily taken over the UnSignpost. However, being as inexperienced as I am, I have no idea how to put an UnSignpost together. Thus, for today, the UnSignpost will be about me, the greatest Uncyclopedian ever! More Xamralco
Look, I know I'm awesome. My mom knows I'm awesome. Even my kindergarten, first grade, and ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, knows I'm awesome. It's just a fact, but I'm all about being fair, so lets see what the people say: “Ehh... He's alright.” I guess "alright" is now a synonym for "Soooooooooo freakin' awesome." Who knew? Even More Xamralco
I am super, duper rad. I know no one says that anymore, but I'm bringing it back. It is Xamralco who brings back the rad fads. Xamralco will also bring back talking in the third person. Xamralco loves talking in the third person. I sometimes enjoy talking in the first person, but you find talking in the second person far more fulfilling. Still, Xamralco thinks talking in the third person is quite entertaining. Must fill up blank space
Crap, that wasn't enough
How does ChiefjusticeDS make it look so easy? Oh well. Xamralco out! |
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I’m back in Oregon!
I’ve returned from my vacation in Hawai’i and I’m proud to say that I’m back in the Beaver State again. Ah, how good it is to smell the smells of the Northwest again! Anyhow…
Now that I’m back from vacation, I see that I have lots of work to be done on Uncyclopedia. I for one am a judge for UnNews; I am excited to read all the new UnNews entries. I’ll rate them in one of two ways – either I’ll rate it as TRRBL or Not TRRBL . Let’s hope that your UnNews article is Not TRRBL. ☭ ♂ Matthlock 
☯ ☃ € ☭ 19:54, April 7, 2012 (UTC)
UnSignpost - Free Pixels Inside!
Now with 20% more ninjas!
Apr 12th, 2012 • Issue 163ish • The newspaper used as insulation by discerning homeless
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Nobody panic. Everything is fine. In a precedented move, USP has handed the reigns over to somebody new in order to ensure it's timely delivery. USP has had a fine tradition of coming out regularly on a weekly basis[citation needed] since it's creation, and the handing of the reigns to In the meantime, the news continues to happen. VFH is in the healthiest state that it has been over the past 7ish years,[citation needed] as we are constantly reminded by the site banner, which is updating as regular as clockwork.[citation needed] The top three features articles of March is proving to be a hotly contested title,[citation needed] and is shaping up to be the first month in history where every article is likely to be in the coveted top position. And we have a strong consensus that there is no need for new admins, however we have a record number of potential admins nominated.[citation needed] Everything is fine. More Stuff
Sadly, I will no longer use the UnSignpost to talk about how great I am. Instead, the UnSignpost will return to its original purpose: Telling you about what's happening on the wonderful website known as Uncyclopedia.[citation needed] As Puppy mentioned before, ChiefjusticeDS has left his position as head editor and In other news, the Great Republican Write-a-thon is coming to a close. If you haven't heard, a Canadian dude and some schmuck who knows nothing about American politics are co-hosting a writing competition that will assess which team of Uncyclopedians can write a better article about a selected 2012 Republican presidential candidate nominee. Strangely, these same two doofuses have also submitted an entry, something which most certainly should have been against the rules. Nevertheless, articles on all four candidates were put up on VFH (which is serving as a judge), though the Mitt Romney article immediately failed since no one bothered to rewrite it (which is mildly entertaining considering he's leading at the moment). And now, some cheese:  No, that wasn't random... Everybody panic. Nothing is fine.
 In an emergency spur-of-the-moment move, the USP has forced the burden of writing it each week onto another innocent soul in order to ruin their lives like so many others.[citation needed] USP has had a fine tradition of not coming out since 1974.[citation needed] USP has decided to hand the blood-stained reigns to In the meantime, the terrible news continues to depress us all. VFH is running as slowly as the plumbing in my house and actually has negative six entries.[citation needed] However, the site banner seems to want to shove lies down our thoats. This is probably on account of the fact that it is only editable by lying, cheating, inbred bastards that can't seem to update the fuckin' thing. The top three featured articles of March is proving to only be winnable if you suck the right person's dick,[citation needed] and is shaping up to be just like all the other months ever: uninteresting. And a record number of people were forced to vote that they want more narcissistic assholes, however not one single person has been nominated, as there are no users left.[citation needed] Nothing is fine. |
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--
21:58, April 12, 2012 (UTC)
You are a Pee Buddy Judge
I'm sure that's not news. But feel free to add {{User:PuppyOnTheRadio/PBJ}} to your user page to show everyone how clever you are.
As for the method of judging - I recorded this thingy earlier, but the long and the short of it - you will be judging every article in the category for which you chose to judge. I will create a judging page later on that allows you to add a comment/link to each article you judge, along with a score. The ideal is that you score one a scale of 0.0 - 10.0 in total, but if you want to score out of 100, or 50, or 8.9, you can do that as well, as long as you put in the max score in as well. (It will become apparent once I've actually created the judging page.) Judging will start on the 1st (sort of). I've actually allowed a days grace for people to complain about entries or submit a late entry with a good excuse (ie: I was dead for two weeks for tax purposes). I'll keep you posted. 
Sir CPT Dr 
GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 02:32 17 Apr
The Unsignpost
Remember how I said you could write next week's UnSignpost? Well, due to recent issues, I am sad to say that you can't actually edit the UnSignpost template. Instead, drop off whatever you write in the Press Room and I will edit it and add it to the actual UnSignpost. Sorry about the confusion. Good luck! -- 19:08, April 17, 2012 (UTC)
ok
You are free to plagiarize whoever's userpage you like this is Uncyclopedia after all. Thankyou for the happy birthday and I have no idea what I would like because I'm difficult like that :D ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 22:02, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Hey you
I said something on RAHB's talk page that was intended for you. It may not make much sense - I just woke up and haven't had my tablets yet. Sir CPT Dr GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 10:12 18 Apr
Adopt me bitch!
Hey nigga! I been thinkin bout that AAN program, y’know wat i’m talkin bout nigga. Well, I been thinkin, muthafucka, I want you to adopt me bitch! Na shit nigga. Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:14, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Okay, that was really rude man. There is no need to call me the ‘n’ word, because that offends me. I’m not black or anything (at least not from the waist up) but I’m just saying that there is no need to use that word. Take 2, sir. ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:16, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
FUCK YO COUCH NIGGA! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:17, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Ah, pulling out lines from the Chappelle Show, I see. Well, two can play at that game! ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:18, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
FUCK YOUR COUCH, NIGGA! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:20, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- And that’s mighty fine language for any Dane to use! ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:21, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
CHAYLAH MUPHY! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:23, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Nein, monsieur. Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:25, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Okay, we’re getting sidetracked. Anyway, about AAN; let me get this straight, you want me to adopt you? ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:26, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga. NIGGA! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:27, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- And bismillah! Stop calling me the ‘n’ word! For the following two reasons:
- It’s offensive.
- I’m an American of mixed Irish, German, French, Moldovan and Indian descent; ergo, I’m Indo-European, which basically means I’m white. So I’m not black (genealogically), ergo calling me the ‘n’ word is ineffective and extremely stupid.
If you need further proof that I’m white, take a look at the photo down below.
☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:29, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
So Your dick’s a nigga! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:31, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, and you say that you’re part-Indian. Dot or feather? Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:35, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Dot. Thank you! Come again! ☭ ♂ Matthlock To be clear, I’m this kind of Indian.
☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:37, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
RICK JAMES BITCH! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:38, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Anyway, back to the main topic; you want me to adopt you. ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:39, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Yes nigga! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:40, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- Well, maybe I’d adopt you – but I myself haven’t yet met the standards of Adopt-A-Noob. Maybe you should ask someone who cares to adopt you. ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:41, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
Fuck you, you stupid kike! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:45, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- (Gasp!) That’s it! I’m sending your ass to Ban Patrol! ☭ ♂ Matthlock ☯ ☃ € ☭ 22:47, April 18, 2012 (UTC)Nooooooooooooooooooo! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:48, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
- No! You'll never get away this, motherfucker! Deletemerightnow (talk) 22:53, April 18, 2012 (UTC)
END OF CHAPTER ONE
