editAn important announcement from your friends at IC.
Did you know *snicker*...Ahem. Did you know that SYSRQ IS TEH GHEYZORS? LOLOLOL!
Also, we've decided to keep our Colonization projects contained to Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/project for your watchlisting convenience. Put it in your watchlist and try to remember to add a cuss word or something once in a while eh?
Also also, I heard that Gerry likes the smell of his own farts.
Have fun Colonizers and let's be careful out there. -OptyCSucks! CUN15:08, 6 Jun
I though I told you before.. Anyways.. Medicine and so forth; Human Anatomy, Human Physiology, Histology and Basic Biochemistry, for those of you who care. Oh, and Im still a freshman Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool10:11June7'09
Ew, anatomy? I more of a psychology man myself. And a civil drafter. And an literary novelist. And a mathematician. And a physicist. And an archaeologist. I'm having a bit of trouble limiting it down. DonPuttanocHeDDs 02:24,11June,2009
Its against the rules to renominate an article right after it fails.. An admin will close the nomination shortly.. Sorry, don, you gotta work on it before you can renominate, but you get my vote any ways. Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool00:37June11'09
I know. I didn't put it on VFH, Docile Hippo did. I did put it back onto Pee review, and I'm not really expecting this nomination to last. I do plan on fixing it up if I can, though I'm not sure how much good it'll do, seeing as most of the against votes last time involved comments such as "It sucks" and "Not funny at all." Those aren't exactly helpful comments. DonPuttanocHeDDs 02:21,11June,2009
BLUE SCROTUM AWARD
Which is given to those who have demonstrated remarkably excellent judgement,
impeccable good taste and faultless, all-encompassing wisdom
(by doing something like voting for ME to win WotM).
Well done and thankyou, from Rabbi Techno.
Well, among other things, you don't just take it upon yourself to create an ignorable policy - things like that require community involvement. Perhaps you ask an admin or two first, raise the subject in a forum, see if people agree with what you're suggesting, that kind of thing. --UU - natter12:40, Jun 12
In a move that shocked the Uncyclopedia community, female user Kamikazewatermelon09 this week posted a topic in the lovable Pancake House of Benson. The shocking part of the incident was that an actual girl visited Uncyclopedia. Hooray! Our numerous virgin users can now cross off 'make contact with a woman (without giving a credit card number) over the internet, phone, or via smoke signal' from the list of steps towards achieving manhood. Though we can't help you with that face-to-face stuff...we hear that genre of contact is terrifying.
The content of the post was too lengthy and riddled with cooties for the male, attention span deficient UnSignpost editors to actually read. Furthermore, the UnSignpost ExecutiveBoard refuses to add cootie insurance to the UnSignpost employee health plan. However, resident awesome potatochopper and known girl Sonje was recruited to read the message and react as if she had been asked a clever question by a hypothetical handsome UnSignpost reporter. From her exclusive comments, it seems that the topic poster was disappointed in the vulgarity and immaturity displayed by many of our gentlemen users. "I find the crassness rather endearing,"Sonje responded, "in moderation." So, the moral of the story is: the users who really count will forgive us our occasional desire to cuss a blue streak or upload some boob-related images. So...go nuts!
This week, lead Cabalist Mordillo blocked The Wizard Of Oz with an expiry time of Judgement Day, and did not provide a reason for the epic pwning. We here at the UnSignpost would like to call out Mordillo on this lack of explanation. Not as a courtesy to the user, which he certainly did not earn through his insertions of a weird version of a California article into several unseeming places. No, we would like to know why Mordillo did not take advantage of an opportunity that was ripe with comedic potential.
Surely this poor soul's username could have resulted in a ban reason referencing shiny red shoes or flying monkeys? A statement concerning the location of the user being a place that is not Kansas? We would have settled for a measly 'looking for a brain' line. But instead, you left us hanging, Mordillo. We'd like to officially call you on it, and we take comfort in knowing that though you can ban the editors, and you can ban our freedom, you can never ban the UnSignpost. Though, on second thought, you could delete it.
15:19, 7 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (How To: Fuck off for 3 months)
17:49, 7 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (one two fuck you!)
10:00, 8 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (comedy website. all football clubs get equal treatment here - ie a merciless slagging. mind you, chelsea really do suck.)
Biopic of the Week
Of all of the writers enshrined in the Uncyclopedia Hall of Shame, Electrified mocha chinchilla has the highest number of featured articles without having ever been profiled in the UnSignpost. Whoops, not anymore. Anyway, his listofworks reads like a what's-what of awesomeness. The entity known as e|m|c also organized and ran several Poo Lit Surprise competitions. Worshipful notes and pie can be sent to his talk page.
Retraction of the Week
In last week's exceedingly humorous edition of the UnSignpost, we referred to Uncyclopedia Bylaw #435 was requiring all returning users to announce themselves in the forums. This is actually Bylaw #453. We apologize for the mistake, and also from the confusion resulting from the real Bylaw #435, which states that every 94 days a user's dog must be sacrificed to the Rancor. Sorry Led, and get well Fluffy!
This Week in Uncyc, 1215
The Magna Carta was signed by King John of England, granting certain rights to serfs, peasants, slaves, farmers, and servants. This was immediately parodied in Ye Olde Signeposte, Uncyclopedia's bi-weekly periodical of the time. It was depicted as a document that forced King John to admit he had the power to tax servants, control every aspect of farmer's lives, and shoot serfs in his Royal Preserves for sport.
And in appreciation for your donation to The Billy Graham Evangelistic Association I am sending a sign of my personal love for you — your very own polyester prayer handkerchief, suitable for wiping the tears of joyous revelation. ~ B. G.
Sorry Mummy... I have to thank you all again because you voted my story THE BEST article of May and that means that someone who wanted to hire a space comedian will know that I'm funny and give me money so that I can buy toys!
If you are neither an administrator nor a designated poopsmith, do not remove anything from VFD; doing so will get you banned for a very long time.
I'm not sure if you've been doing this while I was absent, but don't. Everything will get archived eventually. Don't do it yourself. Tell either of us poopsmiths if there are a lot of things that need archiving, instead of doing it yourself. Which... It was only one article... It's pretty customary to archive when there are more than one thing needing archiving... Seriously, don't do it again. MegaPleb•Dexter111344•Complain here 00:41, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
This week, Votes for Sandwiches was established by Uncyclopedia Internetist and Lead Executive of Sandwiches, Spang. Previously some sort of secret cabal hazing page, lead cabalists have thrown the doors of VFS open to reveal thinly sliced meats on a variety of breads. Or they would have, if the cabal existed, which it doesn't. Official Cabal Spokesman Mordilloexclusively explained the new feature best: "The cabal, as part of its never-ending efforts to assert its all-consuming control over the citizenry, has now introduced voting for sandwiches. Each editor will be required to eat the elected sandwiches for the entire following month. Members of the cabal will closely observe voter's decisions to make sure that no vile sandwiches, such as BAKED BEANS ON TOAST WITH MELTED CHEESE, will be chosen. That's just vile. Editors will not be allowed to protest over the "democratically" "chosen" "sandwich". We're not Iran."
Reactions to the new voting page were mixed. Some users were excited for the opportunity to express their fondness towards various lunches, provided that those lunches are a sandwich. "I'm glad that sandwiches, a comedy staple due to their low-priced nature and assembly so simple that even a writer can construct one, are finally getting their due on Uncyclopedia," said resident criminology term Modusoperandi. Others were not so supportive of the move, and point to recent disturbing trends since the introduction of VFS, the most disturbing being the raiding of the fridge in the Uncyclopedia break room and the subsequent theft of all sandwiches. Well, maybe not all sandwiches, but one specifically marked "gerry's. do not eat." So far no group has claimed responsibility for this act of sandwich-related terrorism. I will find you, you little punk! And when I do, you're making me another sandwich!
Following a month and a half hiatus, resident VFD overlord and prince of pants MrN9000 is alleged to have returned to the wiki. According to reliable sources, MrN was spotted responding to his talk page and maintaining QVFD, among various other tasks. What other things he may do remains to be seen. We do know, however, that he has been welcomed warmly by the community, with Mordillo giving him the brand new nickname "fucker" and various users bestowing an award of reliability on him.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Call Now And Get 2 for the Price Of 1!
Following in MrN's robotically symmetrical footsteps was noted keyboard component SysRq. After many weeks of inactivity, Sys has returned to once again putter the Imperial Colonization ship around Uncyclopedia Harbor. He has described his goals as "re-assimilate as best I can" and "Go to hell, Dex". We would like to welcome both of these users back to the loving Uncyclopedia family, and urge them to GET BACK TO WORK!!
People are yelling at each other, stalking each other, and randomly talking to one another. What I am talking about is, of course, IRC, the highly controversial melting pot of Uncyclopedia, where users of all stands, races, and levels of activity can talk about unimportant issues. It has recently come to our attention that ruthless battles were being fought on the fields of IRC. Our correspondent decided to check things out for himself. He was confronted with gay dinosaurs, Star Wars references and general dickery. Though this one time visit cannot render a clear view of the complex nature of IRC, it might give us a glimpse into the mind of the common IRCer. The dark, mysterious character of IRC remains.
14:37, 11 June 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a nice stroll in the park (The only edit I can make on this website right now is blocking myself. Woohoo!)
15:42, 12 June 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for The Wizard Of Oz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (account creation disabled, e-mail blocked) (Follow the yellow brick road to oblivion! Put on your red shoes and dance! dance! Ackowledge that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. And yes I am the wicked witch of the west. I have a wart to prove it)
12:11, 16 June 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (vandullism - and your cheese looks old and stale anyway. bring me something fresher. and a red onion chutney - let's do this properly)
Biopic of the Week
Sonje ~ Bursting onto the Uncyclpedia scene in March 2009, this spunky female user already has quite the impressive resume. Her sixfeaturedimages speak of her monumental potatochopping abilities, and she won consecutive Potatochopper of the Month awards. Yeah, that's right. Consecutive. We look forward to many more expertly manipulated images and other general awesomery from Sonje in the months to come.
Old School Featured Article of the Week
Continuing in the vaguely sandwich-related theme, Sausage Butty Batter Nuggets are a staple of English cuisine. With a complicated recipe that often leads to dangerous and/or hilarious consequences, this food is nevertheless a highly desirable meal for any self-respecting gentleman or lady in England, and is often served at croquet competitions and monocle-wearing contests. Pictured at right is the extra-crunchy West Country variety.
This Week in Uncyc, 3500 BC
The Great Pyramids of Giza, one of the greatest technological and engineering feats in human history, was parodied in the monthly Uncyclopedia newsletter Bird, Bird, Crocodile, Man With Dog Face, Bird, which was painstakingly written on papyrus reeds by dozens of slaves. In the periodical, the Pyramids were described as "just okay", and were depicted as a stepping stone to grander projects such as Great Cubes and perhaps even a Great Octagonal Prism.
Reason to Leave Uncyclopedia of the Week
#12: Space issues. With so many users returning, and Cajek refusing to grant access to the Cajek Mansion (which takes up over 60% of all Uncyclopedia's property), there just isn't enough room for us all.
The WiP tag expired, so rather than delete it, I shifted it here. Just so's you know. Am I good to you or what? --UU - natter08:58, Jun 20
It expired already? Damn, it got stuck in the mud and i totally forgot about it. And yes, you are good to me (whatever that means, I like you anyway) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool09:04June20'09
on behaf of the FU gradjewating class of 2009 we the stewdents of the Fackulty of Agrickulchur awnors program wish to xpres our sinsear appreesheashun for yer suporting a desent edjewcashun for peepul like us hoo mite haf utherwize ended up in jail for growin pot or sumthin which we wood of like only did just for medical use cuz we herd that Flin Flon, Manitoba needed help cuz they coodnt keep up with deman anymor ~ Ricky, Bubbles & Julian
sorry, friend. I'm not an adopter, but I will try to help you as much as I can. Ask CheddarBBQ, he'll be more than willing to adopt. Though I doubt that you need adoption, you've been here for a year or so,I guess. That's more than me :) Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool06:05June29'09
Actually, I'm full at the moment, though my current adoptee seems to be nowhere-to-be-found. DonPuttanocHeDDs 16:35,29June,2009
Several users have recently begun campaigns to rid Uncyclopedia of some of its oldest, cruftiest, stalest content, or so they would have you believe. We at the UnSignpost aren't here to report anything other than the facts, including but not limited to: opinions, speculation, and pictures of cats with funny captions.
First on the chopping block was the Timeline series. This group of articles apparently chronicles the made-up version of history as recorded by people who aren't very funny. Dr. Skullthumper has taken the lead in the crusade against this unholy document, and reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users supported the good doctor, while others appreciated his sentiment but enjoyed the crisp, fresh smell of proper procedure much better. Noted deletionist Gwax made an appearance in order to streamline the effort to remove all of the unfunniness from the timeline, and he has been joined by several other users seeking to improve rather than delete the entire project.
The question of whether or not we should allow IPs to edit our precious humor wiki has been raised yet again, this time by plucky Der Unwehr founder Guildensternenstein. UnSignpost reporters were baffled by the concept of what an IP was, until it was explained that it is some sort of automatic vandalism robot designed to troll websites, post vanity, and ensure all articles make the proper amount of references to Chuck Norris.
The debate raged fiercely, with many users falling on either side of the so-called "IP line". One camp decided that the contributions from these entities did more harm than good to the community and its collection of humor. The opposing faction took up the opposite view: that IP editors were harmless and at worst an annoyance. Modusoperandi, the lead counsel for the IP defense team, made several compelling arguments, most notably the case that IPs are adorable and thus harmless. In the end, it was decided that IP editing is something we must live with, mostly because Conservapedia doesn't allow it, and we don't want to be any more like them than we already are.
When reached for comment about the situation, Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion responded, "AAAAAAAA!!!!"
01:41, 24 June 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Dex is all like BAN HIM and I'm like OKAY DEX)
00:18, 21 June 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Do you see my penis? Here, I'll pull it out! LOOK AT IT DANGLE, FAGGOT!)
00:16, 21 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs | block) blocked Mr. Niceguy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (NO MORE MR. NICEGUY)
Biopic of the Week
"How has the UnSignpost never run a biopic on So So?", you might ask. "I mean, his userpage is somewhere between confusing and disturbing, but the guy's a comedic genius! His writingsareclassic!", you might continue. You might even mention that he was nommed for WotM for about half a year in 2007 before finally winning the thing. Well, you might be interested in reading this week's UnSignpost, and then you might look into shutting up.
After enjoying a long-running career and several writer changes, Uncyclopedia's fabled soap opera The Young and the Uncyclopedians was cancelled this week. And by "cancelled" we mean totally owned by Thekillerfroggy. It seems TKF finally had enough, and spent nearly an hour systematically deleting the entire series, which previously contained over 60% of all content in the UnScripts namespace. The newly freed electrons, no longer required for TYATU, can now be used for other Uncyclopedia-related tasks, such as boron smelting, and they may even be used to form a sort of crude bot that can edit The count to a million project automatically.
Not content with merely obliterating the entire series, Thekillerfroggy apparently became bored halfway through his holy crusade, and decided to get creative in the deletion summaries. As can be seen in a memorial erected by what is presumed to be a jilted fan of the show, TKF nostalgized and ranted, remembered and forgot, loved and lost, all while expressing his inner thoughts through the medium of deletion summaries. An example can be seen at the very end of his effort, where Thekillerfroggy writes: "Sigh./Well here's the home stretch/It's been real/We've had some good times/some bad times/But in the end/All we are is dust in the wind/So goodnight, sweet prince/Farewell TYATU/Fin."
Reactions on the wiki were, as usual, mixed. Some users held a candlelight vigil in userspace, where some of the episodes have been resurrected in a zombie-like form. Entertainment editor DogNewspaper (pictured) wagged his tail, perhaps expressing hope that one day a new soap opera, sitcom, or crime investigation show featuring Uncyclopedia editors would once again grace this site. We can only dream...
If you logged onto the Main Page sometime on July 2nd between 2:00 and 3:00 GMT (and if you can't figure out what time that is where you live, then don't expect us to provide it for you, we're not a bloody watch!), you may have noticed some subtle changes. Instead of the usual Wikipedia-like format, with carefully organized features, news stories, anniversaries, and vital information, you may or may not have found...something else.
Theadminsresponsibleforthis will not be named here, due to their next probable course of action in the case in which we did mention them, which would most likely be something along the lines of turning every UnSignpost issue into a Euroipod, whatever that is. The only thing we can report on is that the shenanigans ended just over an hour after they began, with the Main Page being restored to its previous false information-rich state. However, this episode shows us that it will never be safe from the hijinks of that group of admins, who, again, willnotbenamed.
12:34, 26 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Gotlegginh (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (please enjoy our complimentary fuck the hell off)
21:18, 26 June 2009 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 seconds (Non-kosher edits to Woody's meatpage)
08:35, 29 June 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (I is an 8 year old from the UK with super admin powerz, fuck you)
11:49, 1 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (I think you'll find it is you who fail. and not even epically either - just with a bit of a whimper.)
Biopic of the Week
Lovable Wikia dictator Sannse has settled in rather well in the Uncyclopedia Community. She is a double Hall of Shame member, and she recently took home the coveted Uncyclopedian of the Month award for her work in making things behind the scenes to run smoothly, which we take it means that she is very good at regulating the caffeine intake of the hamsters that run on the wheels that power Uncyclopedia. Her typical reaction to watermelon jokes is summed up on the right.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
HowTo:Cheat At Scrabble is an informative guide to consistently winning via questionable means that most enjoyable of letter-arranging games, Scrabble. Fake dictionaries, fake online dictionaries, fake tiles, and octopi are just a few of the diverse methods one can utilize in order to gain a distinctly unfair advantage while playing the game.
This Week in Uncyc, 1776
While the American colonies and the British Empire were not quite getting along, the corresponding members of Uncyclopedia were also having a bit of a flamewar. Prominent British users subtly edited the article on America to include a fictional fourteenth colony called West Wankerton, and American admins reacted by banning the drinking of any tea-related beverages in the Uncyclopedia break room. In the end, both sides agreed to a truce due to the massively impressive fireworks show, which was a Fourth of July tradition. The truce basically entailed both entities cooperation in the vandalism of the article on France.
I plan on writing you a Birthday story, but because of a combination of work and various social/family obligations, I don't know that it'll be ready in time. Can you give me, like, another day or two and hold off until judging your stories until mine's ready please? Thanks. —UnführerGuildyRittervonGuildensternenstein 23:57, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
Flash forward almost two years. Kingkitty, a competitor in the first UnSurvivor, decides it's time for another go-around, and season 2 is born. In an exclusive interview with Mr. Kitty, he had this to say: "Well, I was bored ("and crazy", says one passing by civilian) and I thought: 'perhaps the community could do something fun, and stop with all this writing bullshit.'" When later asked what he thought about this current season, he said, "It's showing to be bigger and better than last season, with more betrayals, more violence, more whining, and more betrayals. Lots of betrayals. Mostly of me."
Currently, UnSurvivor Season 2 is in its final round of voting, where the voted-off members of the game get to vote on the finalist they want to win. The finalists this season are: after last seasons defeat, Thekillerfroggy, and newcomers to the show, THEDUDEMAN and An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. Voting is set to take place over 72 hours instead of the usual 24, and the winner will be announced sometime Friday July 10th. After this, according to Mr. Kitty, there "probably" will be a season 3, and it will be bigger and better than anything ever before.
Uncyclopedians pay crass tasteless tribute to Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson, the legendary King of Pop, touched many lives, and the news of his untimely demise has left a deep void in the lives of his millions of fans and victims. Fans all over Uncyclopedia, stricken by grief, flocked by the dozens to mourn their departed hero in the only way they knew how: through the medium of humour.
They ranged from perfunctory to crude to mediocre, but each expressed a deeply profound sadness that the weird plastic rapist was no more. (Yeah, "weird plastic rapist". That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Tributes continue to pour in despite the fact that it is no longer funny or clever. With the stage set for a long, protracted battle over his kids and estate, Uncyclopedia expects that unfunny people will continue to get mileage out of this story for many weeks to come.
Uncyclopedia admins plan to send a selection of the best "tributes" to the Jackson family, along with the number of a company that recycles plastics. (That's what you wanted to hear, isn't it? Ha ha ha.)
Editors emerge from woodwork, contribute to UnSignpost
This week, when UnSignpost Active Editor Gerrycheevers brought up the Uncyclopedia page containing the currently in-progress UnSignpost, he suffered a minor heart attack upon finding that two stories had already been added to the paper. It seems both An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays and THEDUDEMAN, both newly given the title "Consulting Editor", took exception to being named "Consulting Editor" and took it upon themselves to blanket the UnSignpost with awesomeness.
Unsignpost Payroll Manager DogNewspaper (pictured) bared his teeth at this development, indicating his frustration at having to re-issue new timecards to both editors. Gerrycheevers is expected to make a full recovery; flowers can be sent to the Uncyclopedia Infirmary and Shooting Range.
23:02, 7 July 2009 Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) blocked Spang (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 500 days (testing, I haven't done this in a while)
09:26, 7 July 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (In fact, here is our complimentary "welcome to uncyclopedia & fuck off" package. Have a nice day.)
00:36, 6 July 2009 Cs1987 (Talk | contribs) blocked The Woodburninator (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 191 seconds (You ain't no ban magnet. But I can help you become one. By banning you, that is.)
Biopic of the Week
Now missing for over 18 months, it's time to send the search party out for ENeGMA. If the userbox on his user page is accurate, then his 250,000+ edits mean that he has created virtually all of the content on Uncyclopedia. While that isn't quite true, he has produced some classicallyawesomearticles, and we wish he'd come back and play.
Quote of the Week
<TheLedBalloon> well, my parents were like, son, we're going to make meatloaf tonight
<TheLedBalloon> and I was like
<TheLedBalloon> shit yeah
<TheLedBalloon> you know
<TheLedBalloon> I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOAF
<Shaggy-Rogers> EVEN BLOW YOUR LOAD ON YOUR MOM'S FACE
=-= Mode #uncyclopedia +o TheLedBalloon by ChanServ
=-= Shaggy-Rogers was booted from #uncyclopedia by TheLedBalloon (2 dads)
=-= Mode #uncyclopedia -o TheLedBalloon by TheLedBalloon
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
A Handgun is a non-lethal weapon that has been in use for over 150 years. As adaptable as it is safe, the Handgun can fire many different kinds of bullets, which each require different distinct noises such as "pchoo!". Advantages include an infinite amount of ammunition and the lack of a necessity to reload. Attempts at Handgun regulation have proven pointless at best.
This Week in Uncyc, 658 AD
With the Dark Ages in full swing, Uncyclopedia tried to lighten the mood with a contest that urged users to photoshop a humorous image involving a priest, a monk, and a nun. Since the most advanced photoshop technology at the time still consisted of using paint to draw on canvas, not a single entry was completed by the two-week deadline. However, prominent Uncyclopedian John Smith continued his work far past the deadline, and after eight months submitted an image of a waterskiing nun, which became Uncyclopedia's first featured image.
CHEERS! Thanks for voting for this. Cat appreciates it too. Or I think she does, because she's chewing the carpet quite happily.
Hang on a second, that doesn't look like the carpet. No! She wouldn't! Not the cabbages...!!! Nameable • mumble? • (UnScr:PWotM) 11:08, 11 July 2009 (UTC)
OOH. Plus here's your story:
Once upon a time there lived an Egyptian prince. His name was Kairoglyph, and he has absolutely nothing to do with this story. Except for the fact that he had a servant, who had a servant, who had a servant, who had a dog, who had a servant, who had a maid, who had a son, who had a pet, who had a servant. And he was called Mahm00sha. No one quite knows why. I mean, he's even got numbers AND letters in his name. What the hell? But anyway. Mahm00sha was walking along one day, when BANG! He was shot in the leg. Some masked robbers came up and took him from behind. One of them was female, which was quite pleasant, the others were not. And then they stuck a knife in his heart. This was a complete accident of course. They had been aiming for his lungs. So, Mahm00sha died, slowly and painfully, on his 18th birthday, just as he had requested.
When Kairoglyph found out that his servant's servant's servant's dog's servant's maid's son's pet's servant was dead, he exclaimed "I don't give a shit!" And, er, life carried on as normal. Well, not for Mahm00sha, of course. But there we go. Teaches you to go around with a mixture of numbers and letters in your name, doesn't it? Yeah. The End.
howdy moosh. i've decided that you've served you signpost probation, and you've merited a biopic in this week's issue. would you check it for accuracy, and let me know if you want to add an image? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:14, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
This week noted user An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays returned to the wiki, and immediately rendered that return "triumphant". However, other users are beginning to feel the effects of the presence of this primate whose quantum mechanical properties dictate that he be only during certain periods of the week. This incident left onlookers shocked, and worrying if something similar could happen to them. Not since the return of a scantily-clad Olipro has this website seen such a display of sheer terror mixed with complete confusion (and in the case of Olipro, a bit of curious arousal mixed in).
The aforementioned incident involved one user who had AATOEOT embedded in his dreams. Most curiously, this episode seems to have happened on a Friday night, a time period when an An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays should decidedly not exist. Nearly a week has passed without further disruptions, although that may be partially due to Ape's ban after being kicked off of the Uncyclopedia island during a rousing game of Uncyclopedia Survivor. Regardless of the reasons behind the strange occurrences, users should be sure to keep an eye out for strange occurrences on and off the wiki...particularly on Thursdays.
For the last few days, an explosion of nominations has inundated Uncyclopedia's waste removal system, Votes for Deletion. After a period of low activity, where there would typically be just a few to several nominations, things picked up last week. In the last few days, the situation has accelerated into what is being called by experts a "shit-ton" of undesirable content festering in the dark, unvisited corners of the wiki. Said undesirable content is currently being read, discussed, and dealt with accordingly, as is the usual procedure at the highly efficient VFD.
Circumstances have escalated to the point of rattling a few relaxed admins. One such incident involved a user getting the customary one-day ban for increasing the active nomination count past twenty, when the user in question had, in fact, only increased the number of active noms to twenty. Owing to the normal tendency of the article count of VFD to stay in the low single digits lately, the lapse is certainly forgiveable, and was quickly corrected. Afterwards the two parties exchanged pleasantries and shared a S'Mores which was roasted over the open bonfire of newly deleted articles.
Former poopsmith MrN9000 commented on the situation, saying, "Well you know I fancy the standards at VFD have improved significantly in recent times. Not so long ago it would often just be a quick "Short and Shit" vote from UU, and the latest stub was on for a huffing. These days we are spending more time voting on closer votes and are deleting much better articles than we used to! Something VFD is really proud of." In a final display of VFD patriotism, MrN added, "CHECK THE PAGE HISTORY BEFORE NOMINATING YOU BUGGERS!"
This god-like spasm of awesomeness is fresh on the heels of Orian's Writer of the Month win in June of this year. Since the beginning of that month, he has seen six of his works grace the front page, and he shows no signs of slowing down. When reached for comment, he explained, "Well I suppose it's down to being fantastic. And unemployed. But mostly being fantastic." The UnSignpost would like to congratulate Orian on his recent spat of win, and express hopes he will continue the pattern well into the future.
09:27, 9 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a bouncer from Flintoff (pre-emptive ban before you ban me for pickiness. your English > my Hebrew etc etc...)
20:38, 14 July 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Impersonating a girl. Perv.)
14:03, 16 July 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (you know Euthanasia might just be the thing you are looking for....)
Biopic of the Week
Known as the man of many signatures (most of them garish and spinning in some fashion), Mahm00shA has made quite the impression on Uncyclopedia since joining in February. His transcription of an interview with a cab driver in his native Egypt has earned him recognition as a writer, and his other useful qualities have earned him an Uncyclopedian of the Month nomination. Go 'moosh!
Quote of the week
[16:41] <Tayor> we're going to need a base to work from.
[16:43] <Tayor> by 'we' I meann 'I'
[16:43] <Tayor> and by 'are' I mean 'am'
[16:43] <Tayor> and by 'work' I mean 'give blow jobs'
"There's Tony Greig standing at second slip — legs wide apart, bending over, waiting for a tickle" - Brian Johnston.
Of course, this simple piece of commentary should require no clarification, but any Americans, other foreigners, or chavs who don't understand the finer points of cricket can pop over to UU's talk page for a patronising explanation.
Old-School Featured Article of the Week
Martin Van Buren was the eighth President of the United States, a key figure in U.S. political development during the nineteenth century, and a total dick. While other legislators were busy dueling or being awesome in general, Van Buren spent his time practicing his douchebag skills and smelling of old people. He always argues about the stupidest things, and he refuses to ever admit he's wrong. And I'm never letting him borrow my car again.
Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week
The UnSignpost editors regret to announce the introduction of a new device, the "Panicky Last-Minute Box of the Week". This box will be used to take up space on the right-hand side of the UnSignpost, an example of which you are currently experiencing. Look for this box to appear when a larger than usual number of stories on the left side of the UnSignpost and an impending end of the work day force the editors to make something up on the fly. This also offers opportunities to sneak trusted mascot DogNewspaper into the issue.
is coming up on August 7th. Spread The Word! I also created one of those forum thingies (not to copy you) so Check It Out. I think you can figure out where to click in my new sig. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 02:37,21July,2009
I was just looking at your userpage, and I noticed you're planning on doing another UnScript thing. Seeing as I am something of a Metalhead, I am very interested in this. Maybe it could be done as sort of a debate, with me and you debating our tastes in Metal music, but in an extremely stereotypically metal way, or something. —UnführerGuildyRittervonGuildensternenstein 03:33, 23 July 2009 (UTC)
Well, in the Fantasy Football game, BadShroom (one of the players) is having computer problems, and the sub just got a month long ban, so we're in need of an 8th player. If you wanna join, come here17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 21:16,23July,2009
Cause of the kickers. They kick field goals and punts with their foots. Probably just because "Tackle Ball" or "Run Ball" or "Secretly Have Dog Fights In Your Basement Ball" sounded too cheesy. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 23:56,28July,2009
This week, several Uncyclopedians banded together under the leadership of one Guildensternenstein to form some sort of "Fantasy Football" organization. What exactly this entails is unclear, but it appears that the football- and soccer-related fantasies of the participating members will be carried out in the semi-private confines of the forums.
Reactions were mixed to this development, with some users expressing emotions ranging from apathy to indifference. Others voiced concern about children, decency, and lewd public conduct. "My little boy came home today saying something about going to another boy's house to perform football fantasies!" said one outraged and confused mother.
Regardless of the small amount of negative feedback, participants are eager to begin fantasizing about their favorite football players, such as David Beckham. Bradaphraser had this to say: "The Fantasy Football League is a chance for Uncyclopedians to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday Uncyclopedia work and actually have some fun for a change. While I usually am busy with the administrating task of sitting on my lazy ass and doing nothing, this gives users a chance to see me in a more relaxed state."
"I fully expect that this venture will be just as successful as my recent run for the Presidency," continued Brad, "which I lost to Bradford Lyttle of the Pacifist party by a mere 110 votes. I fully expect to win one or possibly even two games in this upcoming season, assuming of course that a draft is eventually held." Said draft is scheduled to begin immediately, and assuming only a small portion of footballers flee to Canada to evade this draft, the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League will be ready to hold its first game by opening day.
In a startling development, activity on Uncyclopedia's main gathering place, the Village Dump, has all but ceased. With The UnIdiot registering the sole comment in the last three full days, the normal flow of important, relevant conversation in the Forums appears to have dried up. While an excess of users can usually be found loitering aimlessly in the halls of the Dump, it appeared all but deserted as of press time.
Several theories have been raised, ranging from the intriguingly possible (July weather causes Uncyclopedians to go outside) to the exceedingly headache-inducing (Uncyclopedians are being abducted by giant space cabbages). However, one of the more interesting theories comes from our lead scientist and nature correspondant, DogNewspaper (unavailable for picture). He claims that while the Village Dump itself along with associated forums such as the Ministry of Love and the Help forum has seen a decline in activity, the so-called Benson's House of Pancakes has seen a shocking upswing in activity.
In the same time frame that only a single edit was made in the Village Dump, sixteen different topics were edited in Benson's Breakfast Domicile. DogNewspaper, that earlier mentioned nature correspondant, calls this a migration. "Woof," he claimed, elaborating that many users were unable to adapt to conditions found in the normal Village Dump, and were forced to relocate to the more hospitable Benson-related location. It is here, in the BHOP, that users are free to create topics concerning their own birthdays, the anniversaries of their birth, and memorials commemorating the day they were born. Whether the mass exodus is complete or not has yet to be seen.
Toilet Door Communication, or TDC, is considered by many to be the forerunner of the modern internet. This fascinating form of conversation is complete with its own exceedingly dense jargon and wide spectrum of users. Washing your hands after use is strongly recommended.
Quote of the Week
<Bonner> A while later we also completely wrapped the scooter in cling film
<Bonner> I still have the photos, he was really pissed about that one
<e|m|c> You mean saran wrap.
<e|m|c> Fucking English.
<Bonner> Cling flim
<e|m|c> Uhh. Saran wrap.
<Bonner> cling film
<e|m|c> Cling film
<Bonner> Saran wrap
This Week in Uncyc, 1901
Uncyclopedia users celebrated their first of many week-long tributes to Oscar Wilde, unable to wait the originally planned year after his death. The entire main page was dedicated to Wilde-related issues, and the first instance of mass Wilde quoting ensued.
Reader Poll of the Week
The editors need your help; please weigh in here on the important, non-boring issue of UnSignpost formatting.
Hey, I'm not gay. And my birthday is coming up in less than a week, though the turnout has been less than hoped for. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 01:18,3August,2009
I meant the monkey, anyway; the monkey is male and gay, and you are a piece of his shit.. What ever. How do you want your birthday story? Funny? Serious? etc Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool01:26August3'09
I want it everything. Ya know, like every possible genre, creating the greatest piece of literature known to man. Are those expectations too high? 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 16:02,3August,2009
Your best? Your best? YOUR BEST? Cool, that's all I ask. Actually, I don't even expect your best. Or any effort at all. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 00:21,4August,2009
You got that right. I was actually going to tell my 13 years old brother to write a story about an italian child who got killed during the war with the parent-abducting aliens.. But you busted me. I think I'll have to write something myself then Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool00:31August4'09
Oh, the old force-your-younger-sibling-into-child-labor trick. Nice one. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 00:33,4August,2009
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behindOlipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet (tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!)
02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.)
02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.)
The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes.
"Comment oublier Jenny?" was nominated for feature on dÉsencyclopédie (though it was ineligible because it wasn't originally French). Now I'm awesome in two languages (and surprisingly neither is Italian)! 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 15:45,16August,2009