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“I'm on your mom! *snicker*”
“Your mom is one fucking whore.”
“You mom so fat, she got her own orbit!”
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman. She sure can suck a dick, though.”
“I don't even have a mom.”
|Date of birth||1900|
|Place of birth||Montana|
|Date of death||[]|
|Place of death|
|First Lady||Your Dad|
|Term of office||2023–2070|
|Preceded by||Inanimate Sponge|
|Succeeded by||King Emu|
|Political party||Communist Party|
Little is verifiably known about your mom. It can be determined with some confidence that she was born sometime in the 20th century, and proceeded to do dick-all with her life, during which period at some point she created you. Scholars have debated just how you were conceived, and whether your conception constitutes a departure from your mom's lifestyle of absolute worthlessness, but most agree that it does not. Most experts on the subject agree that your mom is in fact, a loose whore, and therefore the possibilities of your parentage are truly innumerable. Your father adamantly denies any and all relations to you, as does your uncle.
Psychologists and uncles agree, almost unanimously, that your mom is to blame for everything that is wrong with you, and that one day you're going to be just like her. An opposing theory posited by your mom, however, points the finger rather at your father, an emotionally unavailable asshole who never provided you with a proper male role model. Your mother loved you, and still loves you, and wants you to call more often. It's not that hard to pick up a phone. Seriously, think about it. The more time you spend talking with her, the less time she'll have to share all of your humiliating stories with the neighborhood gossip (who looks suspiciously like your mom), Joe Mama. Do you want everyone to know about the time you dropped a load right in the middle of the breakfast cereal isle in Shop-rite? Didn't think so.
According to various (possibly suspect) sources your mom has accomplished much in her (according to some) extremely long life. She is credited with: flipping the switch when God said "Let there be light"; being the first American to receive a Social Security number; being declared a state, a country, and even a planet. She is also widely believed to have sat behind Jesus in third grade. It is a widely held opinion that your mother is: unattractive, overweight, old, stupid, lazy, poor, loose, and essentially a worthless piece of shit.
edit Just how fat is your mom?
An elusive figure in history, it is widely disputed just how fat your mom is. Allegations that she has her own gravitational pull have been regarded as 'bullshit' by critics who have clearly never felt her. In response to claims that Stephen Hawking has employed your mom as a
prostitute research aid in discovering more about the effects of really really really fat people on cosmological stability, Stephen Hawking's legal firm have issued the following statement : "So what...? *snigger*... Fat people don't have feelings."
It is believed by people who believe the following statement that McDonald's and Stephen Hawking are currently involved in an aggressive lawsuit over the rights to your mom. Her blood is obviously a high percentage mayonnaise, with conservative estimates pushing to over 98%, causing McDonald's to rightly believe that "anything that unhealthy practically belongs to us". The extent of "practically" is what the current lawsuit seems to be disputing. Stephen Hawking, however, maintains that he bought your mom several years ago for one British penny. Reports state that even so, your mom is so cheap that he still got change. However the contract for such an exchange is missing. Your mom proudly declares that she ate it but whether that invalidates such a contract is up for question.
In conclusion, your mom is so fat that anybody who sees her will say, "Damn that fat bitch should exercise". But despite that, your mom is still eating food. If your mom is Chinese, she's eating a baby; if she's American, she's eating a Big Mac; if she's Canadian, she's eating a polar bear fat burger' and if she's black, she's eating a piece of fried chicken the size of Jim Carrey's penis. Hard to believe she beat a million other sperm to the egg.
“I don't know exactly how fat your mom is. But my sources tell me... she's pretty damn fat.”
“I would kill myself if I was that fat.”
“If she were to be cremated, her remains would smoulder long enough to supply 75% of the United States with clean, geothermal energy for at least 20 years.”
edit Fun facts about your mom
- Your mom is symbolized by the element Urmomium.
- Your mom is still a virgin. She will probably remain a virgin unless you hire her a cabana boy.
- Your mom sells her crack for crack.
- Your mom is like the Uncyclopedia:Community Portal -- everyone gets a chance to enter.
- Your mom was exceedingly popular during a brief period in the 1980s, but then again, what wasn't?
- Using 'your mom' as a comeback became popular again in the year 2000 thanks to bored Indiana residents who decided that the old 80s joke should be born again for this new "Generation Y.45-802.11bag version 5.1(2800)"
- Your mom got so high once at a Jimmy Buffett concert that she threw her panties at a stuffed parrot, but that doesn't mean it's okay for you and your friends to waste your lives on the devil weed.
- Your mom is so fat that hundreds of horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
- Your mom is so ugly that hundreds of other horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
- Your mom is the best comeback ever. ZING!
- Your mom would be horribly upset that you are wasting your life visiting this site.
- Your mom is hunchbacked. You just don't know it yet.
- Your mom knows you masturbate, but loves you anyway.
- Your mom is secretly engaged to Kevin Costner.
- Your mom is an FBI agent.
- Your mom buys extra soft 3-ply Kleenex because she loves you anyway.
- Your mom was the 47thrd president of the United States.
- Your mom's so fat, she can fit a thousand wieners into her black hole (if you catch my drift).
- Your mom thinks you should stop playing Call of Duty.
- Your mom loves you. Much, much more than motherly love.
- Your mom knows why you want to share a room with your little sister.
- Your mom is ........ crap might wanna review the guidelines.
- Your mom is your dad in disguise.
- Your mom is from Canada and lived in an igloo.
- Your mom was also the 51st state.
- Your mom was subsequently made the 52nd through 78th states, because she was so fat.
- Your mom knows all about the monsters in your closet.
- Your mom owes me money, you douche!
- Your mom was here.
- Your mom has apparently had sex with everyone you have ever argued with.
- Your mom is a creature from outer space.
- Your mom fought JFK in one of the greatest movie epics of all time.
- Your mom went to college.
- Your mom once tried Satanism, but didn't really like it.
- Your mom went to prom with Merv the Perv.
- Your mom is the mascot for the University of Arizona.
- Your mom is my mom. Am I confusing you?
- Your mom is so white, she makes the Pillsbury Doughboy look Mexican.
- Your mom is a sleeper hit.
- Your mom is like a bowling ball, she gets fingered, tossed in the gutter, yet still comes back for more.
- Your mom is actually spelt your mum in the UK, until the Americans ruined how she talks.
- Your mom is so fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.
- Your mom has pure taco injected into her boobs thrice, daily.
- Your mom has three nipples.
- Your mom's gravitational pull is responsible for 95% of all meteorites.
- ^^ Yes all of this is your mom, i should know, dear. Don't forget to call, I worry ya'know? And stop looking at this stupid website, it'll cause you to get square eyes.
- Your mom isn't funny (see directly above).
- Your mom once tried exercise but she fell through the earth.
- Your mom was pregnant for 10000 months with you because took 9991 months to find her belly button.
- Your mom sounds like my Friday night.
edit Things you really, really don't want to know about your mom
- Your mom has a huge crush on Barry Manilow, and has been mailing him her diary entries weekly for over two decades, doodle-hearts and all.
- Your mom only lets your friends over for sleep-overs because she gets a little action with them while you sleep.
- Your mom secretly likes the smell of her own flatus. Now you know where you get it from.
- Your mom bucked like Bambi in a forest fire while I was riding her last night. I had to grab her love handles with both hands to stay on. No wonder she demanded I tie her to the hood of the SUV before we started.
- Your mom knows the exact come-on line which lead to your conception. ("Hey bitch, wanna earn a twinkie?")
- Your mom is really a homeless man living in iRaq, Terror. The Government does not want you to know this, so they handed you over to some fat bitch.
- Your mom thought you were an exceptionally large crap.
- Which you are.
- Your mom hates you.
- And she likes everyone, if you catch my drift.
- Your mom is actually Richard Simmons in disguise.
- The term motherfucker refers, specifically, to your mom.
- And of course, the motherfucker himself is
a pandayour daddy. Who's your daddy? You are, yeah think about it for awhile.
- And of course, the motherfucker himself is
- Who as a matter of fact was the worst god-damn fuck I've ever had.
- In a year's time, another term, far worse than motherfucker, will gain currency. It will be so scatologically vile that most nations will establish crimes for its usage. It too, will refer specifically to, your mom.
- Your mom is Chief Test Engineer for the Jack Rabbit Massager Corporation.
- Your mom wears crotchless panties. And a Peep Hole bra.
- Your mom uses duo-balls to relieve the tedium of shopping.
- Your mom bangs like a shit-house door in a Force 9 gale.
- Your mom is really Bill Gates.
- Your mom is also Tubgirl.
- Your mom likes Sp00j cola. MY Sp00j cola.
- Your mom is the chick from Two Girls One Cup.
- Your mom is the one in that picture you found on Craiglist that you have been jacking off to for about three weeks. Yes, the one in the "Casual Encounters" section.
- Your mom has seen you wanking on Chat Roulette. And vice versa. ...And she's bigger.
- Your mom likes Jesse James.
edit Responses to Your Mom
- My mom's a virgin.
- My mom's dead...