User talk:Lantash

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edit Welcome!

Hello, Lantash, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for nooblets:

If you read anything at all, make it the above two links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:

I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (Button sig) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.

If you need help, ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Again, welcome!  -- Paw_print.jpg 21:32, 2 February 2007 (UTC)

edit Welcome to UnNews

I moved your UnNews article here because it's not very good. Being new, you got a mercy move instead of an ICU, because I am a kind and benevolent admin. Please read my welcoming drivel below for ideas on how to fix up your article, and how to be a more better UnNews writer too. Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 15:25, January 29, 2010 (UTC)

Che Ape

Reverend Zim_ulator says: "There are coffee cup stains on this copy, damnit! Now that's good UnJournalism."

Welcome to UnNews, Lantash, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.

I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.

Good things that can happen to you

You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.

What happened to my article?

If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.

Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.

Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?

UnNews Audio

If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.

UnNews UnFunnies

At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.

This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC)

edit Based on real-world event

I guess the point and associated humor might be lost on the reader if it were not appreciated that this refers to a real-world UK event. One in which UK security services basically lost their cool and prosecuted a guy over a trivial comment he made on Twitter. In fact it goes further than that, they may have breached Human Rights legislation in imposing penalties upon him without proper legal process.

In some ways it's a fairly serious political comment on the current state of freedom of speech, or lack of it. That was basically my motivation in writing the piece.

I was half-expecting it to be deleted, but not for the given reason!

BTW this my first pathetic UnNews attempt but I've been contributing trash to Uncyclopedia for a long while. I've even -cough- (hides embarrassment) written a couple of Wikipedia pages. Under a pseudonym, of course. Wouldn't want to admit to that openly. --Lantash 18:06, February 2, 2010 (UTC)

The problems with your story, if you read through my welcoming drivel, is apparent and multi-faceted.

Problems are:

  1. Many instances of not following UnNews formatting suggestions,
  2. some misspellings
  3. some poor grammar
  4. meandering, difficult to follow story line
  5. writing style is a bit choppy.

May I suggest you submit your next UnNews to Pee Review for possibly a more helpful and detailed guide to why your article is good, bad, or whatever? Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 22:01, February 4, 2010 (UTC)

edit Don't understand your objections.

The article is a spoof of Reuters report, and the style closely matches that of press-releases on that site.

I can find no spelling mistakes.

In any event I think you are missing the point. This bulk of the text is in the form of direct quotes. It is standard practice in reporting that you do not alter the grammar of direct quotes, since doing so may inadvertently impose your meaning on what was said.

Go read the last para carefully. Never mind what it means to a computer-literate reader like yourself, what is this guy actually thinking he was told?

Anyway, forgotten history now so may as well huff it.

edit Voidism feature

The Void is thankful. And 'thankful void' is the best kind. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 07:01, May 27


Infinite thanks from the void.

edit Lantash!

*huggles ye* ~ Lyrithya sig daji Lyrithya *shifty eyes* (words) (actions) -- 20100615 - 21:07 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Mountain off critical list, should survive

I tried to make your wee article a bit better, hope these are ok. I moved it to UnNews and I think it should be sorted:-)--Sycamore (Talk) 11:02, January 31, 2011 (UTC)

And I removed the hyphen in the title and will do some routine reformatting. Spıke Ѧ 12:23 31-Jan-11

There, that's got it. A good story; I hope you'll do more. I did the following:

  • Made it look more like news by leading with specifics. Set the story in Glasgow--where the guy was interviewed, not where it happened, and nothing as vague as "the Highlands." Do you realize you omitted the guy's full name? This is how the article should start.
  • In "recalled to us," I removed us. What happens to the reporter isn't news; the news is news.
  • Removed a bunch of hyphens. "Two words" isn't hyphenated, unless you use a two-word expression as a modifier, as I just did. And hyphens aren't used with verbs that take helpers, such as "pointed-out."
  • Fixed the Source. Your source doesn't say who the author was, but bad things seem to happen if you leave the field blank, so I used "Staff."
  • Single-quotes is okay when writing about the UK, but you used double-quotes for the quotations, so I made it consistent.

Except for the free English lesson, some of this stuff is in our spiffy Style Guide. See you again soon! Spıke Ѧ 12:43 31-Jan-11

edit UnNews:Global warming satellite failure

Sorry for neglecting this UnNews. If I went in and gave it a {{Date}}, put the dateline in the right format, removed the chatty final paragraph, and put the Sources in the right format, what we would be left with is a story that pours on the advocacy too thick (with "Warmist," "carbon con," and even the New World Order). The Style Guide--you did read it, didn't you?--concedes that everyone has personal opinions, and I happen to agree with you that the global warming movement is a con--but you can't make stories look like news when the bias is so overt. Spıke Ѧ 12:57 7-Mar-11

edit UnNews:Historical screenplay slammed for lack of ethnic diversity

FIX IT PLEASE. The dateline is wrong, our lead paragraphs aren't bolded, the quotation marks need to be italic so they don't float away from the text, and the Source needs to be real, using {{Source}}. Details are in our spiffy Style Guide. Thank you. 11:45 16-Mar-11 And two of your categories don't exist. Spıke Ѧ 11:47 16-Mar-11

Thanks for the edits. In addition, I fixed the misspelling "Riech" and the substitution of Australian for Austrian. I think that gratuitous errors hurt the superficial impression that this is "real news" more than they add laughs. Spıke Ѧ 12:20 16-Mar-11

Nice work on a topical subject....certainly made me smile... -- Sir Mhaille Icons-flag-gb (talk to me)

If you think it's topical, it gets the 1-Spot on the Front Page. Spıke Ѧ 12:48 16-Mar-11

Was aware of the sensitivity of the subject (Nazi atrocities, that is) and wasn't even sure if I should write it, but couldn't resist a poke at the political correctness squad. This seemed the most preposterous option for an ethnically-challenged screenplay. Do you think it's OK or likely to offend? --Lantash 14:48, March 16, 2011 (UTC)

Compared to the rest of the day's UnNews fare? Are you serious? That was the least of my concerns. The Nazi atrocities occurred 70 years ago, and the subject of your UnNews is indeed Pee Cee and not so much Nazism. Spıke Ѧ 14:56 16-Mar-11

Yeah....I really can't see why it has to be an either/or, its both more than OK and delightfully offensive. That's Double Win in my book... ;) -- Sir Mhaille Icons-flag-gb (talk to me)

edit UnNews:Microsoft admits: Nobody understands software licenses

Thanks for your UnNews! Redmond is not in Seattle but ten miles east and both are in Washington State. I changed this and tweaked your lead to completely identify Ballmer in the first sentence. Am going to change the headline, as "license" is the US spelling (as you use it in the story) and you are reporting on a US company. Spıke Ѧ 12:57 22-Apr-11

PS--It will read more like news if you give names for the people you are quoting. (We don't care if you make them up.) Spıke Ѧ 13:00 22-Apr-11

edit UnNews:Google plaintiffs accused of violating a patent

I had to re-title this. The original headline was utterly unremarkable. Of course patent-holder sues to get millions in patent suit. That's what they do. 13:18 24-Apr-11 PS--Have copy-edited this a little. The patent office isn't in Texas; lawsuits are "filed," not "enacted," etc. Spıke Ѧ 13:34 24-Apr-11

That is a better title. The 'Google hit with second payout' one looked more dramatic but doesn't make sense. --Lantash 14:00, April 24, 2011 (UTC)

Drama is my middle name--but then I went on to read the UnNews completely. I think part of what you are doing is ridiculing lawsuit-English, but that made it harder to read. I turned around the lead paragraph to simplify things and featured it in the 4-Spot on the Front Page. Spıke Ѧ 14:27 24-Apr-11

edit UnNews about hats

I moved it on the front page, nice UnNews! I'm kind of the UnNews janitor. I moved the UnNews to UnNews:Hats: The Space Age fashion trend since "space-age" is a mistake. Hope you don't want to kill me for doing so! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:30, September 23, 2011 (UTC)

Considering the hyphenated version is used by the BBC and is in the Merriam-Webster, I'd say that it's perfectly correct.

The hyphen defines the compound adjective as separate from the noun it modifies. Without it, we could be referring to "space age-fashion" which would have a totally different meaning. Older astronauts wearing different styles, perhaps?

I'm not too worried if you want to change it, but I make the point that my version is grammatically correct, at least by UK standards. --Lantash 17:27, September 24, 2011 (UTC)

Point taken Lantash, I am not too familiar with the profound subtleties of the English language, my maternal language being French, but I learn everyday on this fine website. I'll be less of an imbecil when I go to bed tonight. I also moved your UnNews (UnNews:Police seize pens disguised as guns) on the Front Page. I laughed and I think I wet my pants, but I had to do the laundry anyway, so don't feel sorry. I hope to read more of your articles soon! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 14:15, September 30, 2011 (UTC)
Hi! Please let me update the front page template Lantash, I know your UnNews are great, and don't worry I check the new ones everyday! Thanks. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 11:49, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

OK, My itchy fingers are off. Go ahead. --Lantash 11:51, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

Done. Good one man, it's always good to have UnNews from you! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 11:54, February 25, 2012 (UTC)

edit The Pea Buddy Awards

WOW! A brand new UnNews competition and we need you! Either prepare yourself mentally for the severity of the trials (don't sign up just yet, you cheat!) or commit your soul as a judge right now. May the Lord shine his blessings upon thee! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 18:36, March 23, 2012 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Wind farms are solution to global warming

Greetings, Mate! Because "Wind Farms" being operated by engines to blow wind, rather than the other way around, is a great joke - Congratulations! Because it is a single joke it seems like an ideal for a much shorter UnNews report. Now as you point out it deserves to be on the front page, this time as an UnNews, so I hope you will vote Symbol for vote For.. I'll be happy to call it a collab and share the FA with you. Hopefully we might even have more collabs. Cheers! Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 21:15, Jun 19

edit HowTo:Build a Paper Empire

I have added a number of extra images to your article which is up for main feature. I trust you will drop by and vote for it! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 15:33, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

It has now been featured and you missed the party! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 08:47, July 8, 2012 (UTC)
Nah, he vote! You miss him! He too fast for you! He like ninja! *gong sound* ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSun, Jul 8 '12 12:42 (UTC)
Thx for images Romartus, they fit in well. --Lantash (talk) 16:58, July 9, 2012 (UTC)

edit HowTo:Insulate your loft

Love it! But I totally wish you would find a way to shoehorn in some jokes about what a bitch fiberglass is to get out of your skin. I hear pantyhose is good for that. No joke. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSun, Jul 8 '12 7:31 (UTC)

Might have a think about that aspect. Good point. --Lantash (talk) 16:59, July 9, 2012 (UTC)

edit I see you wrote a great one about the Tour!

I put it on the front page. I did write one too, how do you like it? :P UnNews:Uncharismatic cyclist wins Tour de France in boring fashion Snowflake mini Mattsnow 00:27, July 23, 2012 (UTC)

Yes I saw that, had a good laugh. BTW I'd have waited rather than putting-up a competing article but this is once-only news so it had to be now. --Lantash (talk) 08:23, July 23, 2012 (UTC)
No problem, the more the better! It was a good Tour, but the race for the overall was kinda boring; Wiggins was just too strong in the time trials. But I don't hate him at all, even though he took a shellacking in the article. He is a charismatic guy, I saw some interviews :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 08:51, July 23, 2012 (UTC)
I couldn't help eavesdropping here. I also liked the article, and decided to vandalise it by adding a huge template at the top of it which links here.                               Puppy's talk page09:09 23 Jul

edit Welcome Back!

Hi Lantash you returned in time to roll more of the insulation material for a feature! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 21:18, January 7, 2013 (UTC)

edit Women and horns

Hello. Conspiracy theories? Have you read this? Ah, the women, the ones with the horns. Since it is written as if it is actually happening, then in a real world situation I don't think women would be any more likely to charge someone with their horns as they would try to hurt someone in any other kind of assult. If they did, they'd be arrested, booked, and imprisoned the same as if they attacking somebody with their fists and legs or a large object like a horn. Most women would be able to fend off any attackers just a little bit more by using their horns, but a well armed attacker will still hurt the woman more than she will hurt him (although it would fend off quick attacks and minor criminals, purse snatchers, peeping toms, and such). There may be some accidents at first as the women become accustomed to manuvering in crowds and in their own personal space, and many things are liable to be knocked off of shelves during the first few hours of use. But after awhile the brain will adjust and life would go on as it had before, only now the women would have horns. Aleister 00:03 8-1-'13

Too serious by far. It was meant to be funny, that if your woman starts chalking-up her horn tips you better watch out, it's your backside that's the cue ball. Otherwise you may end-up taking refuge in a tree while the woman patrols round its base, snorting and stamping. --Lantash (talk) 12:10, January 11, 2013 (UTC)

edit Captain Obvious

There are two reasons to have initial quotations in an Uncyclopedia article: (1) To give it a superficial air of seriousness (though several people have pointed out lately that our model, Wikipedia, doesn't have any). A quotation attributed to Captain Obvious does not do this. And (2) to whet the reader's appetite that there is a funny article just ahead. Use of Captain Obvious to impart a statement that is, well, obvious doesn't do this either. At Climate Change, you use Captain Obvious to make a statement that climate change (global warming) is real. This is not funny and it does come across as overt advocacy. For all these reasons, I've reverted you. Spıke Ѧ 20:03 13-May-13

The basis of this quote is that warmists are constantly claiming 'hottest ever' temperatures, but that is bound to be the case if temperatures have risen, then levelled. It's certainly not advocacy, the opposite in fact. It points out in a humrous style (I think) that by quoting truthful figures in misleading ways, warmists can, well, mislead the public. --Lantash (talk) 08:21, June 6, 2013 (UTC)

Ah! so it was advocacy. That warmists mislead the public is certainly a concept that can lead to comedy (though I think the article has already done a fine job of it). But the voice of Captain Obvious was a proxy for you, to "point out in a humorous style"--that is, just stating the conclusion when you should be writing an article making fun of it. Spıke Ѧ 11:39 6-Jun-13

edit UnNews:Walk like a Cyclist

Nice UnNews. Does a nice mock of a dumb article that has misinterpreted what being eco-friendly is all about. That's the trouble with the greens sometimes, I appreciate their willingness to back the scientists when it comes to caring for the environment but a lot of them don't get the science and present it awfully. Great work! Sir ScottPat (converse) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 17:21, May 12, 2014 (UTC)

edit Welcome Back

At least, you dropped by and voted for some pictures! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 22:40, August 17, 2014 (UTC)

edit Nouvelle cuisine

You has a feature! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 12:56, October 20, 2014 (UTC)

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