User talk:Hindleyite/8

Query

in my n00bish quest to get an article featured before the end of my first month, i've decided to give it one last shot. i consider my latest article to have a decent chance; unfortunately, it got a glowing Pee Review from someone that's been a registered member for about 19 hours, and also he's giving away positive reviews like it's his job. so i was wondering if you could take a look at it if you get a chance, and let me know if i'm justified in throwing it to the jackals. thanks. --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 14:44, 22 August 2007 (UTC)

That's very good, I was jsut thniking aoubt taht cnocnept the ohter day. I seem to recall somebody has perhaps already written a similar article a while back, which maaaay hold it back on VFH. I may be wrong though, it could have been a passing note by Tmopkisn. That Illogicopedia is messing with my memory. Anyway, it would have my vote. I like how none of it is in English yet you can understand it, well most of it anyway. I think it could do well on VFH, though these days you need to really whore articles out to get 'em featured. That's partly why I don't bother with it any more, too much hassle :D
Dno't let taht put you fof thuogh... -- Hindleyite Converse 13:27, 23 August 2007 (UTC)

Whoring

Gosh.....Hindleyite cutting down on whoring? Whatever next? -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

Once an article whore, always an article whore. It'll begin again, one day. -- Hindleyite Converse 13:43, 31 August 2007 (UTC)

awesome!

Gerrycheevers sincerely thanks you. Your vote for NotM is much appreciated. As a token of his gratitude, Gerry wishes to offer you his services should you ever be looking for a goalie while planning a pick-up street hockey game.

thanks again for your support. i hope to continue to earn your respect, approval, and spare change. --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:51, 4 September 2007 (UTC)

ecxllenet!

Pelsae aeccpt tihs etxrmely ltae tnkah you tmepltae for yuor vtoe for taht wierd atrcile taht porblaby hrut yuor eeys. Yuor wsiodm and gnersotiy are ellquad olny by yuor bearth, wihch is as fersh as a smmuer ham.

thanks again! --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 03:40, 14 September 2007 (UTC)

Wwo ddue. Tkans a lto! Summer ham? Heh. -- Hindleyite Converse 12:48, 14 September 2007 (UTC)

O HAY THAR

Hey there Mister Hindley =}
It's come to my attention that there are actually quite a few ?pedians on this here ol' site.
I reckon we should all come together and contribute to Uncyc as a community of sorts. We need to show our presence as a wiki.
Perhaps a start would be an Illogicopedia article on here? O'course, we'll have to take note that it must be suitable for Uncyc and not for ?pedia. --MrMetalFLower 13:48, 18 September 2007 (UTC)

You are indeed correct. A quick check of category:Illogicopedians proves, well, not much... but still there are quite a few crossoverpedians. I've been considering the idea of creating the Illogicopedia article for a while but it always got put off. So, now is as good a time as any to do it - with the help of SP, you, Fluffalizer and co. we shall build a monster! But for the next few days, I am quite busy - I shall be here at the weekend but obviously feel free to start the article without me before then. Aid epoc igolli! -- Hindleyite Converse 19:56, 19 September 2007 (UTC)

Gregg Toland

Hello.

I was enquired as to why you deleted my article on famed cinematographer Gregg Toland.

Here is this IMDb profile:

Media:http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005904/

Wikipedia profile:

Media:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gregg_Toland

Good day.

Hi there. The reason for deletion was not notability but length. The article only contained two sentences and Uncyclopedia no longer accepts stubs, unfortunately. I could restore the article to your userspace but it may not be worth it - instead here's the article in case you need it:

Gregg Toland, famed the world over for his OSCAR winning cinematography on Orson Welles' Citizen Kong, was born to Mary and Roland Toland on the 14th June 1899.

-- Hindleyite Converse 14:00, 22 September 2007 (UTC)

RED light

Go Hindleyism! --  Le Cejak • <-> 03:25, 20 October 2007 (UTC)

You made the right choice...

Thanks for voting for me! Sir Groovester | Contributions | Talk Page 21:11, 1 November 2007 (UTC)

Permission to use an image

You made the UnBooks logo, right? I need permission from you to put it on Wikipedia's page on Uncyclopedia. See Forum:Wikipedia's article on us for more info. --Sir OCdt Jedravent CUN UmP VFH PLS ACS WH 01:25, 9 November 2007 (UTC)

Sure, considering it was mainly sourced in the first place. -- Hindleyite Converse 13:08, 10 November 2007 (UTC)

bus surfing

thanks for helping me with the bus surfing article. you think its got potential?

Yeah. Think I might actually try it myself. -- Hindleyite Converse 19:17, 22 November 2007 (UTC)

PussyPopper21

Why you de;ete my article Evan Sackett. I came here so I wouldn't be deleted. Please restore it. It is not an attack article. Read Sackett's biography yourself. Type in Evan Sackett under google search and you'll find it on the Visual Circle we-site. Please, restore it!

Hmmm, 70 Google hits suggests this person is not really that notable. Hold on a minute, this isn't an article about you, is it? If so, you could simply put it on your userpage. Anyhow, if you reeeeally want it, I've restored it to your userspace for you. -- Hindleyite Converse 20:43, 23 November 2007 (UTC)

Talk:Red light

:-D Karma to the writer. Actually one of the best articles
 I've come across in a while. Better than Why is a raven
 like a writing desk? even.

What's this all about then? I'm not sure if you were being positive or sarcastic... :P<3 .talk.work.?pedia.$A^{waits}_{ward}$

I was being positive, I liked the Raven writing desk article. -- Hindleyite Converse 20:06, 29 November 2007 (UTC)

Thanks

Thank you for you kind words left on the talk page of The Color Problem. It's nice to see that people like it. It's also great that an article about racism has been on the front page of Uncyc for a whole day without being vandalised once. I guess that your average racist missed the whole point. That makes me smile. Have fun. MrN  Fork you! 19:00, Dec 7

3 second rule

Hey Hindley, glad you liked it! You know, we never talk. We never just sit and talk anymore. What happened, Hindley? Oh wait... I don't think I've ever talked to you before... Uh, anyways, thank you for "liking" 3 second rule. Any suggestions? I know it's really messy and stupid...   Le Cejak • <-> (Dec 8 / 16:09)

Well, whenever I drop food on the floor in my house the dog eats it within 3 seconds. Also, for some strange reason, if you pick up food you dropped on the carpet within 3secs it is somehow still safe to eat. With a rinse under the tap/rub on your shirt. I know, I'm poor. Do not pity me, however. -- Hindleyite Converse 16:32, 8 December 2007 (UTC)

Bloody Pagans

<center>Pagans, the Whole Lot of Yous Premier Tom Mayfair has been a naughty boy this year, but he still deserves a kiss from under the mistletoe. His external organ is fair game.</center>

Have a not-shitty Christmas!

	Heya, The Led Balloon here, wishing you merry Christmas, or any other holiday you feel like celebrating. Just remember what it's all really about: NO WORK, NO SCHOOL, FREE STUFF!!!
	Here's to hoping your school(or work) calendar for December doesn't look too much like this...

Merry Christmas, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 01:00, Dec 17

<center>Merry Christmas Despite being required by British law to carry an umbrella throughout December, and to respond to all festive cheer with "Bah Humbug", nonetheless I wish you a very Merry Christmas. Or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever other gnostic mystical mumbo-jumbo you colonials practice these days. Just don't tell the Queen.</center>

-- Sir Codeine K·H·P·B·M·N·C·U·Bu. · (Harangue) 12:54, 17 December 2007 (UTC)

<center>I just wanted to wish yew a faggy christmas! I mean... merry. Have a great ?mas! Honest, I meant merry! </center>~Fag x FS

Wow, Cheers

...to all of you! Wow, I really need to do something for you kind Christmas carders.... expect some 'nice favours' in return soon. -- Hindleyite Converse 19:15, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

HI GUESS WHO!

Its me. I am back here! will you protect me from famine?--|Fonchezzz| Quacking| 20:59, 18 December 2007 (UTC)

Unfortunately no, because alas the monster that lives under the stairs has eaten all my food. -- Hindleyite Converse 11:23, 22 December 2007 (UTC)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas. ~ Mitch

-- Mitch 13:03, 24 December 2007 (UTC)

This is my favourite card. I like the minimalism. -- Hindleyite Converse 11:28, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

Thank you and Merry Christmas

Thank you for your decisive vote in this incredibly close run for VFH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU BETTER WATCH OUT SATAN CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN -- This preceding message of dire warning was brought to you by Unknown_user

-- Sir Unknown User ^{(Talk : Cont : VFH : PEE : CUN)} 21:33, 24 December 2007 (UTC)

You are all so very kind! I feel awful now for not giving out cards this year. Still, I offer you all a sausage roll from the New Year's buffet at the Hindley Arms! -- Hindleyite Converse 11:28, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

Merry Xmas!

~ Merry Xmas Hindleyite/8! ~ Ye Olde Luke

--YeOldeLuke 08:00, 26 December 2007 (UTC)

I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO SAY

hi --Ryan A. Taylor

Hello there. My oven chips are ready. -- Hindleyite Converse 11:26, 31 December 2007 (UTC)

Bullaah!

Now with the obligatory, vaguely cool mouth noise out of the way, what say yew and me do a collaboration? I'm always looking to collaborate, and I have a feeling we could make magic *cough* magic. :P --~Fag x FS 21:10, 23 January 2008 (UTC)

Maybe, though I haven't written anything here in ages, not since Tesco Value. Got any ideas? -- Hindleyite Converse 21:14, 23 January 2008 (UTC)

I dunno... hmmm.......... what about making a Why?: article, that's totally insane? Like a Why do (and then something that's totally unconventional or something) :P --~Fag x FS 19:57, 24 January 2008 (UTC)

How's about: Why?:Disprove Your Own Existence :P --~Fag x FS 14:40, 28 January 2008 (UTC)

Any ideas how to start? --~Fag x FS 19:07, 31 January 2008 (UTC)

Yay. A vote! *hugtackles*

/me tacklehugs the voter. I like you already. Now, where are the cookies?! -- DameViktoria - (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log) 23:20, 28 Feb

Thankies

Cheers! Under User thanks you gingerly for your vote at VFH. He celebrated with a small but competitive Hyperdrinking tournament, but by virtue of waking up in his own bed, narrowly failed to set a personal best score at the event. His head still feels bloody sore though! Thanks again!

--SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 15:47, Mar 21

Hey hey hey hey, I'm rhyming on your talkpage today!

If ICU usage is what you seek, look here or you'll get huffed in a week! Cheers, - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 19:30, Apr 28

Image:Handgundiagram.jpg

Hey there, I uploaded Image:Handgundiagram.jpg to the Wikimedia Commons here. 78.34.151.227 20:28, 9 May 2008 (UTC)

That's fine by me. -- Hindleyite Converse 11:04, 10 May 2008 (UTC)

editing of the 'common tim' page

hi, made some changes to your 'common tim page' with a new heading 'project x' (ive always thought that Novak Djorkovic resembles a genetically enhanced Tim Henman)just read it cos i would like to know what u think, hope i havnt ruined ur ideas

No, not at all: in fact it adds to the article... good work! Feel free to make more additions if you like. -- Hindleyite Converse 10:52, 25 May 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: June 12th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

June 12th, 2008 • Issue 7

Cajek banned - New, shittier writer assigned to this stupid job by Qua Recently Cajek, an Uncyclopedia user who has been labelled as a mystical creature, was been given a one month ban by the council of Wikia. Users who feared that UnSignpost would not be written or delivered. But don't worry, Qua (Uncyclopedia's shittiest n00b) and half of YTTE have taken over UnSignpost, well...until Cajek gets unbanned. Qua, who is currently in a state of shock, said that "Cajek was a good guy, I didn't expect him to get banned for a month. He was about to help me, I don't know what he was going to help me with but he was going to help me with something.". Many Uncyclopedians that are known have a hold a grudge against Cajek celebrated his recent ban saying "While he might be back in only a month, we should take the time to celebrate and rejoice a Cajek-free environment." Flumpa "taking toys and going home". by lots of different people It has been reported that Flumpa, Uncyclopedia's very own pimply faced ginger-nut has left Uncyclopedia forever, due to irreconcilable differences. He cites the banning of users, fights between the two, the treatment of IP's as "real people" and the lack of cookies in mommas cookie jar. One of our reporters spoke to Flumpa as he was packing his wagon to leave Uncyclopedia "I like the holding hands and the fairy floss but Sophia has icky wiki germs and I just couldn't get past that. However I hear this new EDwina down the street is available, she may play in mud but I hear she has yummy yummy cookies." 127.0.0.1, leader of the "IPs are Real People, Too" Foundation had said that "Flumpa makes some great points on IP treatment, such as telling them that behind that string of random numbers lies an actual person; A person with heart. A person with brain. A person with spleen." When asked whether he would share his hard earned money on a badge from the Keep-the-IP's-out-of-Bannation-Foundation, this reporter simply told them to bugger off and get their own alcohol addiction gawdammit! We do, however, wish Flumpa the best of luck as he travels across the wiki-street with his trademarked brand of Off-topic forums to meet this EDwina fellow. Internet safety month has begun. By Dr. Skullthumper We at the UnSignpost would like to remind all Uncyclopedian editors that June is Internet safety month. Through the efforts of Uncyclopedia and other sites across the Internet, we can help protect innocent children and frail grandmothers from seeing offensive content ASSRAPING Uhm, we're sorry about that. The editor that wrote that previous sentence has been fired, in accordance with the rules of Internet safety month. UnSignpost would like to remind all editors to use extra padding in tables, because we don't want the little kiddies touching the sharp edges and getting hurt. As per Internet safety month, all uploaded porn will be closely monitored to see if the models are engaging in safe fucking. I mean sex. SEX! I meant SEX! We apologize for the previous two editors. They have been shot, out in the hallway, in the most safe method possible, we assure you. We even laid out cushions for them to fall on. Anyway, Websense and other Internet blocking sites will up its sensors to block over 99.99% of the Internet. What will remain is available is the Wikipedia article "Frog", weather.com, and anything unblocked in China. We at UnSignpost wish you a happy Internet safety month, and hope that you stay safe. Remember to always use a firewall. <center>This column has been blocked by Websense. Websense has blocked this column for the following reason: This column contains "humor".</center> Finals approach for student-Uncyclopedians, procrastination triples By TheLedBalloon Aww, kitty! Isn't he cute? Difficult times lie ahead for schoolbound Uncyclopedians. A series of semi-challenging tests lie in the near future for many, and everyone's workload seems to be growing. Unfortunately for Uncyclopedians, finals are nearly here. However, luckily for Uncyclopedia, finals are almost here! This means that, as procrastination rates skyrocket, Uncyclopedia activity grows proportionally. Haven't been studying for your math final? Those fancy words mean that Uncyclopedia usage is going up, just as teachers pull out their hair worrying about keeping their kids' averages above the department bottom line so they can keep their jobs. However, here at UnSignpost and Uncyclopedia, we pride ourselves on allowing for multi-tasking. So, here is a series of brief study guides that are pretty much all you need: Science: For this final, you will be asked questions about science. However, simply remember a few facts, and your science final will be a breeze. These include remembering that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny, pyruvate and phosphofruktokinase function as glycolytic enzymes, and the kidneys are located three ribs up from the malnuric sphincter. Math: Just prove to your teacher that 1=2, and any answer you give is automatically right. English: ENGLISH, MOFO, DO YOU SPEAK IT? History: To pass this, just try to remember a few important dates: 622BC, 394BC, 211BC, 5BC, 11AD, 24AD, 300AD, 906AD, 1102AD, 1619AD, 1791AD, 1963AD, and 2012AD. Tech. Ed.: Basically, you take a saw and cut shit up. Fucking A. Music class: Try not to fail and blow any notes. You'd sure look like a real tool, then, huh. Art: Just explain to your teacher how deep and misunderstood you are, and paint your feelings. Take a few pictures with a black and white camera setting and write a few "dark" poems, and if your teacher knows how often you cry then you'll have an easy A. Foreign language: THIS IS AMERICA, SPEAK AMERICAN! Gym: If you're really planning on studying for this final, then only God can help you now. NONSENSE CATASTOPHE by Cajek An article by Zombiebaron has caused a huge feud between the all-powerful admins that could ban me again. Thekillerfroggy has charged that the "Nonsense Watermelon Catastrophe" was not newsworthy enough, while Zombiebaron charges that the article is newsworthy, and therefore should not be deleted. In the fight, many people have cried "drama" and run for their lives. "Oh, this is deliiiicious!" said resident fucktard Drama. We spoke to Drama in his white linoleum mansion. He stopped seductively petting his gay snow leopard long enough to talk to us. "I loooove drama. I want their drama dripping all over my linoleum castle. I want their orgasmic screams of anger to rattle the walls! What do you think, Puffles?" "Oohh, puurrrrr" said Puffles. Some of the more regular users have claimed that the drama will bring unwanted side effects. RAHB has recently said to one of our reporters: "Remember, when there's drama, Ljlego touches himself." [Ed note: he said that on IRC, I swear. to. god. ban: banbanban.] Zombiebaron, an administrator who just happens to be a spectre of the unwept dead, spoke at his crypt this Tuesday dressed in his ceremonial black and red robes: "Hhhgggrrrr, I do not like speaking to the public: They give me a rash. As far as how random uncyclopedia is, we have two admins who are a balloon and a frog, so my article is perfect. The drama will not be settled until I taste the frog's flesh. Suffffeeeerrrrrr..." The Killer Froggy issued a statement soon after, with his frog army in the background: "ribbit? RIBBIT! ribbit. ribbit ribbit ribbit!" Both administrators have promised to ban the poor, misunderstood writer of this article if their statements were printed, but that's the risk we take to bring you the news. That's just how cool we are. Drama is the real winner here. As of this printing, he is planning to buy his gay snow leopard a fluffy red cape with the profits. And remember: every time there's drama, Ljlego touches himself. I'm not fucking kidding. He's all like, "oh yeah, oh, oh yeah I love you drama" and they're both in the love coven, snugglin' n' shit. I have pictures, guys! I swear it's totally ins AS OF THIS PARAGRAPH, CAJEK HAS BEEN BANNED INDEFINITELY.

Check out these pages! How dare you! Google is the new 42 Join Scientology Or Else! Wikis different from our own PWN'D! From our logs: 09:42, 5 June 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Bringing Uncyclopedia in to disrepute (or even further into? whatever.)) 15:33, 5 June 2008 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (time served already.....reduced sentence) 13:42, 4 June 2008, TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 221.154.246.169 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, you're too dumb to edit this wiki. You can come back when you grow a brain.) 12:35, 4 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 47 seconds ‎ (ZOMG LINKIN' SHOCK BANBANBANBANBAN) 03:55, June 10, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 122.2.113.102 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (TAGLOG MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK TAGLOG?!) 20:07, June 10, 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Are you ban hunting or something?) 05:56, June 11, 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 82.0.83.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (You fail at funny. Read HTBFANJS. Slowly. Then copy it out 100 times in longhand and maybe, *maybe* I'll let you edit here again.)) Biopic of the Week 127.0.0.1 ~ Quite possibly the greatest IP that has ever lived. He is literally everywhere at once. He is in your computer, destroying it bit by bit. He is in your living room, eating your Flamin' Hot Cheetos. He is in your bedroom possibly getting laid. He is in every room you could possibly think of. All Hail 127.0.0.1!!! Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Japanese Euroipods and the Crappy Translation UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week: "Can-in-the-pan" ~ Showcasing the unerring ability of the British to come up with expressions that bear no connection whatsoever to the item or act they're describing, this is used by the Cornish to refer to a somersault. A small template glorious prize is on offer to the person who comes up with the best suggestion as to why. Answers on a postcard to UU's talk page. Page Quote of the Week: Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the President Warren Commission Best New Article of the Week: That Guy Standing Behind You with the Freakin' Huge Chainsaw, no words can sum up how incredibly good this article is. It tells this story about a guy who wasn't cared for who started chopping things up with a chainsaw. Sure some critics are skeptical but we at the UnSignpost think this is the best new article yet. Well until it gets deleted of course. Article of the week: That one written by Cajek all the way at the bottom was pretty damn good. I love articles that have references to sex in 'em. I don't have much to do in this trailer, and when I see a reference to sex it's like my pants fly. off. It's okay, the cats don't understand what's going on. Well, the dogs and the chimp may understand but they're not complainin'. Nope, reading Uncyclopedia articles gets me too hot to care about social constraints.

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 17:01, 12 June 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: June 19th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

June 19whenever-th, 2008 • Issue 8

UnSignpost abandoned by creators! by UU Uncyclopedia's popular newspaper/tacky tabloid rag (delete according to preference) the UnSignpost - already floundering following the loss of founding editor Dr. Skullthumper - has been dealt another, possibly fatal blow, with the news that popular feature-machine and international diplomat Cajek has not been arsed to edit the latest issue. When thursday June 19th dawned without the by-now-traditional UnSignpost dropping onto their talkpages, Unycylopedians everywhere could be heard bravely dealing with the incident by pretending they hadn't noticed. We asked prominent Uncyc contributors for their reactions to the journalistic crisis facing their favourite wiki-based news delivery system. "SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON.... SCREAM FOR ME BOSTON!" said Don Leddy, obviously coping badly with the news. Sensing a possible catastrophe, DJ Irreverent bravely leaped into the breach and created a forum topic that galvanised the community, while UU declared himself too busy to help, then promptly wrote about half of the paper. While still suffering from writer's block, which explains the total lack of lulz and inspiration thus far. It's probably about time to link to nobody cares and close this story now, isn't it? Industrial mogul joins Uncyclopedia, promises great wealth to all. by DJ Irreverent UU Donald Trump, the man, the legend, the Tower, the hairstyle, has taken time out of his busy international schedule to create a forum topic promising affluence beyond the dreams of avarice to all on Uncyclopedia! Despite the impeccable credentials displayed on his userpage, so far only Qua and SysRq managed to take advantage of the popular billionaire's altruism before he was ruthlessly banned by noted anti-capitalist Codeine. UnSignpost was particularly impressed with Codeine's ability to resist the temptation to use "you're fired" as a block reason, as we are sure it would have been all but overwhelming. It is to be hoped that, on his return from bannination, Mr Trump will use his undoubted wealth and business connections to help Uncyc beat the ever-encroaching threat of Wikia's advertising plans. N00b ties knot by UU Popular recent NotM winner Cheapinitreal has further embarrassed the Uncyclopedia community by becoming all respectable and getting married. Confessing to his transgression, Cheap added "all and all, it was a right fine week". The UnSignpost would like to write something really funny here, then wish Cheap all the best, but this issue is being rushed out as it's, like, way late, so we just don't have time. UnSignpost resorts to blatant filler by UU In a move heralded as "an exciting development in journalism" by guest editor UU, the UnSignpost today employed blatant flannel to fill an annoying white gap at the bottom of the page. It is believed that this is the first such instance of using blatant rubbish to fill a newspaper page in journalistic history. "I'm proud to be at the vanguard of such a groundbreaking technique" said UU, before going off to scour Cajek's ideas page in a desperate hunt for inspiration. "Is this long enough yet?" he added, before concluding "not quite, another few words or so should do the trick".

Check out these pages! If people are gonna do it, might as well keep 'em off the streets Tuber tales The Cult of QVFD spreads! Don't think there's enough to vote for? Fag to the rescue! From our logs: 13:12, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.43.66.7 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You will be better appreciated at that cheap whorehouse down the road. Take the third left) 21:59, 17 June 2008 Hinoa (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.38.121.240 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (UN:VAIN: It's what's for [INSERT GENERIC MEAL HERE]) 09:07, 17 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.128.148.178 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Budha says: Blanking shall not lead you to enlightment. Write funny articles, my friend, and be happy) 04:59, 16 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.107.246.135 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 day ‎ (No no. When was that last time YOU had a really big solid shit?) 01:35, 15 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.2.209.140 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You know, you're probably the dumbest person I've ever seen. That's saying a lot, you know. You should be proud.) 17:57, 13 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 84.168.60.159 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Banning Italy, one IP at a time.) Biopic of the Week Zombiebaron ~ Zombiebaron? Zombiebaron, zombiebaron zombiebaron zombiebaron. Strong Zombiebaron. Text-based Zombiebaron. Also, Zombiebaron. Finally, Zombiebaron. Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Japanese Bubble Wrap and the Crappy Translation UU's obscure British Dialect expression of the week: "I wanna new wicker wacker" ~ Discerning Uncyclopedians finding themselves in the heart of Liverpool, but worryingly badly dressed, should fret no more - this handy phrase allows them to ask "can I have a new suit please sir?" like a native. It's anyone's guess as to what they'll end up clad in though. MrN UU's delete reason of the week: The_possible_lovechild_of_Mark_Twain_and_Oscar_Wilde ~ Delete - Holy crap, I've actually read this at least twice. I can't understand why it never occured to me to put it on VFD --Kip the Dip

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 01:07, 21 June 2008 (UTC)

ZotM

Congrats on winning ZotM, Zombie of the Month! :P Hope you liked why i nominated you.

Zombie of the Month Spring 2008

Yay! ~FAG! +chatline "if it ain't broke, break it" (CUN·VFH) 13:20, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

Wow, dude! I'm honoured... er, I mean... I'm honooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuured. And, despite the fact I've resurrected my Uncyc career more times than Mike Tyson, Noel Edmunds and Cliff Richard put together, I am not dead yet. -- Hindleyite Converse 14:57, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: June 26nd, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

June 26th, 2008 • Issue 9

Uncyclopedia running out of Interesting Stuff. UnSignpost in Jeopardy! By Qua Recently. Uncyclopedia, in its maternal state. Is running out of interesting stuff as most users keep filling her with the same old stuff day after day. Most if not almost all of the staff at the UnSignpost panicked as this meant that their newspaper, which faced the threat of disabondement yesterday. Could be folded by the Uncyclopedia Cabal (there is no cabal) itself. Cajek, the UnSignpost's co-founder, commented on the shortage of interesting stuff saying "...". Mostly this is a time of crisis for the UnSignpost which has been falling into a state of crisis for a while now. and we need you to help. All you have to do is send money to the UnSignpost offices. And please, refer freinds to do the same please! We need it more then you. Penis Man returns! By THEDUDEMAN 120px At exactly 12:29 AM Monday morning, some local idiot decided that it would be a great day to stir up drama and piss people off with some long forgotten shit. And with that, Penis Man made his way back to our great Uncyclopedia with the intent of vandalizing Boomer's userpage. Soon after, the Town drunk Eugene Kay decided to follow suit by uploading the same image by the name of Zombiepenis. Why he decided to make such an apparent strike at the admin who has beat him so much is currently unknown. We at UnSignpost give them both a 25000000:1 chance of being banned. Local Uncyclopedian starts up Devil-Worship Wiki By Qua In a recent devil-related press conference. Cartoon Diablo, the younger and sillier version of Diablo. Has started up The Devil's Wiki, a wiki dedicated to worship of Satanism and The Devil itself. In a recent interview, Cartoon Diablo has said personally that "The wiki's going to contain a lot about the devil, no seriously. There's going to be articles about the caverns of hell, the kind of foods the devil eats and also various artworks done by the Devil himself. And if your asking if it's going to be great. Well... Yeah!, It's going to be satantastic!". Immediately after this was posted on the UnSignpost, 2 people have joined the satanic wiki. The 2 people are described to be a Himilianian Yettie and an Male Amish Human. Both of them have pledged their allegiance to the devil in return for absolute power. In today's weather report, make sure to bring an umbrella as Hell may be raining over within the next few days. Uncyclopedia's Reign of the Newbs Begins By Cajek and whoever else Interestingly enough, lots of new noobs (and old noobs) are getting featured articles these days. Somehow, the cult of the newbs has awoken, and Uncyc has felt its presence link to Double Entendre. Oh... did I say that out loud? "I don't trust the young 'uns," said Farmer O'Dell at his grain silo, "They write funny articles, yeah, but what do they contribute to the community?" Actually, writers like Hyperbole, Cheapinitreal, and The Woodburninator have stepped up, and are already commanders. Except that last one, who is close enough. Big time contributors like YesTimeToEdit, Qua, and Orian57 are cleaning up this pig sty. Older members of uncyc have become less active, and are paving the way for these rising stars to shine. Uh, speaking as myself? I've never been more proud of Uncyclopedia than I have in the last month or so. Keep it up, guys!

Check out these pages! Try winning this game U...N...P...R...O...V...I...S...E...! link link From our logs: 00:29, THEDUDEMAN (Talk | contribs) (uploaded a new version of "Image:483922.jpg": <3 you Zombiebaron! ) 20:10, 22 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.179.141.146 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (No means *no*) 06:21, 22 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked .cx (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Oh for fuck's sake) 05:30, 22 June 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Dunquin (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (The Irishg defence forces are a bunch of wankers who were dominated by the brits who are even greater wankers. They eat potatos, drink guinness and fight imaginery wars) 03:42, 22 June 2008 Hindleyite (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.54.74.232 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games. ) 12:42, 21 June 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Page blanker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I wonder if you realize just how easy your name makes it for me to permaban you...) 07:26, 23 June 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 124.170.144.245 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (You have been autoblocked by the Uncyclopedia penis-size-detector. Rylie, I'm afraid your penis is too small to edit Uncyclopedia. Please try again after puberty.) 08:48, 20 June 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Bl4nker (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (LOL YOU BLANKED SOMETHING THAS SO FUNNIES. Now fuck off, eh?) 18:54 . . Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.231.38.117 with an expiry time of 1 week: (No, Pete Doherty is a talentless junkie cunt. Deal with it.) 14:59, June 25, 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked KBD5196 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (I hope this ban log gets featured in the UnSignpost. Also, you are a wanking blanker. Or a blanking wanker. Whichever.) Gripe of the Week MantiBot, Yes a bot, this bot has been going around causing terrorism to articles in the form of interlinking. Not only does he support terrorism, he also supports the de-opping of TheLedBalloon who has been known to hate every foreign country that's not America on the Planet. What's worse, he isn't even properly marked as a bot. FU Mantiwhore! Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Russian Adolf Hitler and the Crappy Translation Quote of the Week: "Listen, here's the story: The other night I saw Jackass the Movie 2 and they extracted sperm from a horse so one of the dudes could drink it. It was that moment when I realized how little I know about nature, or rather, animals and their private parts. You see, it turns out horsies have big ol' peepees, and the first picture I expertly designed was actually close to the reality, and I needed to start from scratch on a new picture. The result of that is what you see on the right, the one with the bigger censored penis." -So So

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 22:33, 27 June 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: Jewlie 3rd/10th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 10^th, 2008 • Tenth Issue Spectacular!

Uncyclopedia running out of interesting stuff, UnSignpost starts up shitty telethon! By DJ Irreverent Look at you, sitting there all high and mighty with your Chuck Norris facts and Oscar Wilde quotes, well during this season of laziness and sitting round jacking off, please donate the gift of humor (or humour, we bend that way to no matter how much we are chased out of church) to a poor Uncyclopedian run newspaper near you. Take this poor little article for example; Canadian Tire Money or Canny as no-one calls him, just 8 minutes old and he is already roaming the streets. Illiterate and doing incoherency, long lines of lists and e before i (especially after c), it is only a matter of time before he turns to gay jokes to fund his addictions. Please help this little article achieve its potential as an Injoke by donating the gift of laughter, stupidity... or even just simple bad taste. Successes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA[complete success]! ~ Annoying Article Fuck not this again... ~ Captain Obvious Free publicity in exchange for; 1) Shitty memes 2) Dragging up shitty memes ~ Euroipods There's more you can do... Call you're nearest admin and start a discussion about just how much humor you can donate (read: swearing and shock-porn), or start the 2717231278th forum topic concerning how we all must strive to remove the scourge of shitty articles. In the immortally misattributed words of our founding fathers, stillwaters and Chronarion "Fuck were we high" er... or words of respected member TheLedBalloon "Also, in the ass or the mouth?" oh dear... or even words of respected member 81.101.207.62 "Hey look a donut". Amen. Our lines are open to your pledges 25/7. Please help Save Cats from Degrading Captions- wait... - Save the Porn onto my Hard-drive- uh... I remember! Save UnSignpost from falling into a pit of lame memes and boring articles, here is a parting word from a little one in need of YOUR help. Ry4N IS TEh GH3Y n00b whO SUX b4lls!!1 ~ Ryan kella Makes you think don't it? We will be taking your calls now. Or now. Not now. Ok, now. Modusoperandi OP'ed!? By: THEDUDEMAN This past month of June, the Uncyclopedia community got its first chance at VFS since February, and one new op was decided upon. While there were many great and very capable candidates, one in particular got the most attention and the most votes. Modusoperandi. This long time Uncyclopedian has been to VFS almost every time it gets opened as far as we can trace, and always misses it in the final round by a slim number of votes. However, this month turned out to be a winner for him, so congratulations Modus. MO likes to spend his time writing things and 'chopping some images, but also finds time to goof off in the forums, and relieve the everyday pressure of his fellow colleagues with his off topic sense of humor, which he rarely hides. Modus has a total of 19.5 featured articles as well as 10 featured images. We at UnSignpost congratulate Modus on his winnings, and are willing to put $10 on him becoming the next STM. UnSignpost Takes A Wikibreak By: UU Yeah, the UnSignpost, the newspaper that Uncyclopedia would totally fall apart without, took a wikibreak last week. They seem to be fashionable, so we thought we'd find out what they were all about. They seem to involve time spent not hunched over a keyboard in a darkened room. The UnSignpost reminds you that such activities are hazardous to your health, and should be avoided at all costs. (Note: this is absolutely true - in no way did the UnSignpost just miss a week because no-one could be bothered to edit it, or anything)

Check out these pages! Colonization? CMC? Is that some new kind of drug? Rollback: Privilege or Curse? Dimwits beware Cajek launches attempt to kill Wikia servers? From our logs: 19:56, 30 June 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Codeine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a sloppy wet blowjob ‎ 19:42, 30 June 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) changed group membership for Modusoperandi from (none) to sysop ‎ (I asked on IRC for a funny reason tto put here, and no-one could come up with one. Losers.) 22:39, 30 June 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 80.42.211.35 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Blanking articles will not compensate for your small penis)) (Block log); 18:54 . . Codeine (Talk | contribs) (blocked 71.231.38.117 with an expiry time of 1 week: No, Pete Doherty is a talentless junkie cunt. Deal with it.) (Huff log); 18:21 . . Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Hate Crew official fan club": Shock to the page/and you're to blame/baby, you give stubs/a bad name) (Huff log); 20:12 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Cabal/Cabal9": content was: 'there is a cabal' (and the only contributor was located and executed by the cabal. There is no cabal) (Block log); 22:30 . . Mhaille (Talk | contribs) (blocked User:Revel4tion with an expiry time of infinite: and on the eight day he fucked off) 10:58, 8 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 72.95.139.248 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (You partly piss me off. The rest of me is in love. I'm torn. Come back later. I hate you. I love you!) Biopic of the Week MrN9000 ~ One of the more "seasoned" users on Uncyc, at a sprightly 360 years old, MrN was bitten by a pair of radioactive Y-fronts in his youth, bestowing upon him the awesome power of pants. Fortunately for us here at Uncyc, he decided to use those powers for good, and he is now our reigning king of poop, featured author and amateur tap dancer (hea, a man can have more than one hobby!) Quote of the Week <Codeine> here's a thought <Codeine> If you download music, supposedly you're damaging the music industry <Codeine> but <Codeine> if you download childporn, you're *supporting* the childporn industry <Codeine> I'M GETTING MIXED SIGNALS <Ljlego> moral of the story: <Ljlego> childporn is the way to go <zombieninja> XD <Run-DLL> thanks for the moral go-ahead Crappy deleted Stub of the Week "this chocolate is blue. and it has a BIG GREEN PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#" - From Blue chocolate Reason to take a Wikibreak of the Week (Admin Special) "You dream that you're being deopped after being called "The Bloody Admin" (as in that one whose hands are drenched in user's blood). Yes. Yes." - Mordillo

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:27, 12 July 2008 (UTC)

oh not dead

just bumped into that damn education system, oh and quite a few girls, and possibly the occasional existential epiphany neozid?

Mmm, girls. Mmm, existential epiphany. Mmm, education... no, wait. -- Hindleyite Converse 17:56, 6 November 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 17th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 17^th, 2008 • Eleventh Issue • Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

It's The Poo Lit. Surprised? By UU Uncyclopedia's twice annual writing competition, the Poo Lit Surprise starts this week. In typical Uncyclopedia style, it seems to have come as a surprise to many, not least EMC, who was supposed to be running it, but who has disappeared without trace. Horrified by what was happening to their beloved and prestigious competition, the Uncyclopedia community rushed into action as soon as it noticed (a day or so late), and promptly agreed someone needed to do something. This was followed by some of the community running around in small circles, flapping their hands wildly and panicking a bit, before cuddly authority figure Zombiebaron decisively stepped in and selflessly told Dr. Skullthumper to sort it out and get the fuck on with it. At the time of going to press, both Skullthumper and Zombiebaron may have been available for comment for all we know, but we couldn't be bothered to ask them. VFS: The Race Hots Up For The Second Month Running By UU In an unprecedented turn of events, and due to namby-pamby unclear rules that have since been firmed up and given a healthy gay colour makeover, Uncyclopedia is voting for further candidates to be admitted to the non-existent cabal. The race is turning out to be quite a close one between several of the frontrunners, so the ever-impartial UnSignpost (founded by Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper) brings you pen pics of the current favourites. Heerenveen - Uncyclopedia's Tank. Doesn't sleep, eat, dream or pet fluffy animals. Does nothing, in fact, but patrol Special:Recentchanges, rolling over cyberbullying, shooting down crap, smoking out vandals and reverting their stuff, and other tank-like activities. What to expect: extreme diligence, and a bigger gun, apparently. MrN9000 - Profiled in the Unsignpost only last week, MrN has still found time to become even more awesome than he was then, and mends, mentors and poopsmiths his way around the site with matchless dedication. What to expect: zero tolerance for anything pants. Roman Dog Bird - Frankie is another tireless worker in the name of making crap stuff less crap, good stuff betterer, and shite stuff deleted. Wherever there is a thankless task to be done on the wiki, you shall find him. Which is a good job, because we have no intention of thanking him. What to expect: him to be ready from day one (hmm, that's a catchy slogan...) Dr. Skullthumper - A true legend of Uncyclopedia: handsome, talented, possessed of unprecedented levels of awesome, and a genius towards whom this newspaper (that he co-founded) is not in the least bit biased. Oh no. And can he give the editorial staff their teddies back now, please? What to expect: benevolent dictatorship with an iron fist. In a good way. RAHB - What comes to mind when you hear the name RAHB? Is it VFD? QVFD? QTVFD? RecentChanges? All those answers are correct and more when you get the new and improved RAHB this month! RAHB is an Uncyclopedia policy wonk with all the credentials of Al Gore, except for that Vice-President thing. What to expect: former audio superstar turned into a big, friendly admin. In a good way! Who will win? All may be reported in future editions of the UnSignpost. If we remember. And if we can be bothered.

Check out these pages! Some sort of prize thingy limps off the starting line No news is... Led news? Blog whoring FTW! From our logs: 17:49, 11 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.173.54.200 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (This is a penis, this is you) 18:29, 11 July 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 156.34.72.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (This ban is approved by the society of Chuck Norris followers. Chuck, for a better world ) 23:37, 13 July 2008 Spang (Talk | contribs) blocked Jimbo spends foundation money in russian prostitutes (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (IN them?) 08:31, 17 July 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.73.10.118 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (If there something I really detest is IPs with small penii trying to act like big honchos on a wiki web site. I'd like to meet you one day, Mr. IP, and send you over the IP hospital) Biopic of the Week Hyperbole ~ Hype is awesome! Hype has been on Uncyc for just a short time, and yet has already written some of the greatest articles ever composed by human beings! Hype is easily the greatest author ever to have graced this humble wiki, and it is surely only a matter of time before he sails past Ljlego's record of 76 features with consummate ease. And despite not having either the Democrat or Republican nomination, Hype is also the surest bet in this year's Presidential elections! Is there anything this guy can't do? Apart from that thing with the rosary and the 3 Mexican children? Comeback of the Week Gerrycheevers ~ For the third or fourth time this year, Uncyc's comeback kid has again popped through his revolving catflap to grace us with his presence after a period of absence! The UnSignpost staff are accepting bets as to how long this comeback will last. Any takers? Plea of the Week Hey you! Yes you! You're reading this, so you must have some free time you don't know what to do with, so why not write an article for the UnSignpost! As you can tell from reading this very issue, actual writing talent is not required, just spout some gubbins about something that's happened on the wiki during the last week, and as long as it's not too likely to start drama, we'll probably stick it in! How can you refuse? Go on, be your friend?

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 06:02, 20 July 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 24th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 24^th, 2008 • Twelfth Issue • Now On Time?

Count to a million By Gerrycheevers This week Uncyclopedians continued on their quixotic attempt to "count to a million." Started by Uncyclopedia Wiki-master and Chamber of Commerce Secretary Spang in early March of this year, the project seeks to eventually reach the number one million (1,000,000) through the ancient art of counting. Any person who is capable of taking a number, adding one to it, and expressing the result has been invited to join the massive undertaking, which has seen dozens of contributors come and go. As is always the case here at Uncyc, the project has spawned controversy, criticism, and a spin-off starring Tony Shalhoub as Olipro. The forum is an unprecedented pool of knowledge. As each number is reached, it is discussed in-depth by several Uncyclopedians. Insights such as "114 That's my age + 100 lololol" and "616 fucks fucking fucker's shitty crap" are a testament to the intellecually stimulating conversation that occurs each day. Oftentimes, relevant images are posted; the variety of these pictures can be seen by looking here, here, here, and here. However, not everyone is so optimistic about the project. Some have expressed concern that the entire thing has some kind of sinister purpose. When asked for a comment on the harmless-appearing but diabolically-undertoned project, TheLedBalloon said, "although the project appears harmless, there are definitely diabolical undertones." Another anonymous user stated, "that forum is most surely not pants." Spang himself has expressed his desire to leave behind a legacy, but he has also left open the possibility that "the entire thing is just an urban myth, and doesn't really exist." Regardless of its true meaning or intentions, Uncyclopedians continue to trudge on in their epic quest, reaching 0.075% of their goal this Monday. Editors come and go, the pace quickens and slackens, but someone is always there to figure out the next number in the sequence. At its current rate, the project will reach one million on August 19th, 2526. Until that glorious day, Uncyclopedians can only dream... Cheevers Fires Back! By An unbiased journalist After some light-hearted slights in last week's issue, Gerry Cheevers - Uncyclopedia's resident headcase and #2 hockey authority - has taken exception with the editors of this fine periodical. An ugly scene erupted in the USP press room after Gerry barged in, demanding some sort of justice. Luckily, some quick thinking by our tea-boy and current stand-in editor caused Mr. Cheevers to be distracted by a shiny object long enough to avoid any damage to our delicate newspapering equipment. After it was pointed out that he had in fact come and gone from Uncyclopedia like some sort of cow that grazes on witty satire and coherent parody, Gerry calmed down enough give a brief interview and let some of our junior reporters scratch him behind the ears. When asked about the reasons for his return, Gerry cited many things. Prominent among them were a desire to have humor play a larger role in his life once again, the thrill of writing articles, the subsequent crushing defeat after said articles have been hacked to pieces mercilessly, and his heterosexual man-crush on Mhaille. The one-time WotM nominee fell on hard times in mid-March, and went on sabbatical when his computer decided that it was not long for this world and took its own life. After that, Gerry resorted to breaking into libraries after-hours to cast VFH votes on city-owned, porn-riddled, abysmally slow dial-up computers. Luckily he landed a job in late May and has spent a majority of his time at said job slacking off and editing Uncyclopedia. Mr. Cheevers looks forward to getting back to what he is known for: mediocre writing, scathing Pee Reviews, and keeping Manforman locked up in the Uncyc dungeons. Several prominent Uncyclopedians share his optimism for a permanent return, including noted reviewing robot MrN9000, who stated that he was "willing to bet everything Cajek owns to that effect," and heavy zeppelin Don Leddy, who expressed his delight at seeing Gerry, exclaiming "gimme back my twenty dollars!"

Check out these pages! Yay! Woo! We all fail! Who judges the judges? (Apart from Zombiebaron, of course) Rock the vote? From our logs: 23:16, 19 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.254.51.48 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Wow! I was gonna go the rest of my life hating Metallica, but you've opened my eyes to their true greatness! You, sir, are an hero! An hero!) 23:56, 20 July 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Swampgas (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (congratulations, now you can add us to your list of sites you got banned from for being a bellend) 21:53, 22 July 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) huffed "Slappy's Angels" ‎ (VFD - I throw in anotherv invisible vote to put these at -4/-5 (YEAH I'M TOO LAZY TO EDIT)) Biopic of the Week Sycamore ~ One of Uncyc's noteworthy Caledonian correspondents, Sycamore claims his prowess at writing stems from a hearty diet of haggis, neeps and tatties, washed down wi' a whisky, a can of Irn-Bru, and a gratuitous stereotype. He's managed to stay sober long enough to write quality articles on Battleship Potemkin, David Bowie and Tony Visconti, and doubtless celebrated in true Scottish fashion - with a couple of cans of Tennent's and a fight! Page of the Week (straight version) User:Optimuschris/Super Secret Girlie Page! - no explanation needed. Page of the Week (gay version) User:Orian57/Under my matress - the yin to OptyC's yang. So to speak. You have been warned. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - The position of Mars renders you the likely victim of pirate attacks this week. Carefully guard any grog, wenches, and booty you may have accumulated. see more horoscopes Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Italian Linux and the Crappy Translation Really Old Image Request of the Week For an UnTune. Seriously, this one has been around for ages, and no-one seems to be able to sort it out. Any takers? A certain psychotic frog will doubtless shower any helpful soul with gratitude. Or a template. Or something.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 16:39, 24 July 2008 (UTC)

Good day sir...

(Huff log); 14:03 . . Hindleyite (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Fisher": Ooble)

You may (or may not) be aware that this article was on VFH... MrN  Fork you! 14:07, Jul 28

Well blow me, suppose I'd better restore it. I just saw it as one of those insta-delete articles you get every day but hey, y'know, whatever. -- Hindleyite Converse 14:12, 28 July 2008 (UTC)

Funny place that VFH... Or not, I'm just not sure. MrN  Fork you! 14:15, Jul 28

UnSignpost: July 31st, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 31^st, 2008 • Lucky Thirteenth Issue • Now with 20% more ninjas!

The biggest little whorehouse on the internet By Gerrycheevers Oftentimes, Uncyclopedians choose to create something on their userpages, safe from the prying eyes and hungry 'delete' buttons of admins. These entities can range from the ridiculously complex to the awesomely cartoonish. The newest user creation on this silly wiki is that of a charming gentle-bot by the name of MrN9000. At 'The Whorehouse', writers can bathe in the attention they so desperately seek. A sort of hands-on Pee Review, the Whorehouse encourages other users to edit, trim, improve, rub up against, and generally increase the quality of the articles of others. Authors suffering from mental blocks (or physical blocks) can turn to this dimly lit establishment for inspiration. While considered a 'smashing' idea by some, the brothel has drawn its share of criticism. It may have even caused a site-wide questioning of the rules of VFH, guidelines of Pee Review, and the vailidity of the Committee That Selects Zombiebaron's Daily Banstick. The main concern seems to be articles getting 'mucked up' by having too many contributors. Opponents to this opinion have pointed out that this is a wiki, and, in theory, an infinite number of contributors contributing to an infinite number of articles for an infinite amount of time were eventually destined to create the Whorehouse, anyway. Some users, such as Ljlego, have taken advantage of the open space to hold some sort of charity-scamming orgy. Whatever the destiny of the Whorehouse, it is sure to catch every Uncyclopedian's attention for at the least five minutes immediately following the reading of this article. Virus exposes user vulnerability to death By Regret Tenenbaum Yes, it's true. Death is inevitable for all users who have logged in recently. Apparently, a rouge admin created a computer virus so potent you actually contract testicular cancer. Real cancer. Like, In real life. Seriously. And how does one contract the virus? Users are warned that that the simple act of logging in to Uncyclopedia will cause one to contract the fatal disease. "Yes, I know cancer isn't a disease nor a virus" said one doctor "but still, it sucks. I mean - it's cancer - IN YOUR BALLS. Come on." So how exactly does on know when they have cancer? Symptoms may include one or more of the following: a lump in one testis or a hardening of one of the testicles The testicle should normally feel smooth to the touch. Ridges may be felt because of enlarged blood vessels or tumor growth. Additionally the entire testicle may feel hard and bumpy to the touch. Abnormal sensitivity (either numbness or pain) loss of sexual activity sexual withdrawal build-up of fluid in the scrotum a dull ache in the lower abdomen or groin an increase, or significant decrease, in the size of one testis blood in semen General weak and tired feeling The testicle with a tumor may be severely enlarged, as much as 3 times the original size. Simultaneously the other testicle may be shrunken in size, due to the tumor taking up the majority of the blood supply to the scrotum. Other nasty stuff. Make sure to constantly check your testicles by feeling them for irregularities with your fingers. ... That's right. ... Just feel 'em up ... nice ... Ahem! Uh... Simple vigilance is a big help. The best time to check is after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. And what of the female users? No, not even the three of them are safe. It has been proven that even female users can contract testicular cancer. How, you ask? Well, by a miracle of God, the female will grow testicles, that will then become "cancerfied" (or "cancer-ific", if you prefer.) The only users who are safe from this horrible plague are IP addresses, as they lack testes and the ability to grow any. Remember kids, no matter how much Dr. Health, Esq. tells you cancer is great, don't believe him. Oh? ... What's that? ... I said something about dying? ... Oh. ... Well, if one of your testicles was three times bigger than the other and your semen was filled with blood, would you not kill yourself? That's right...

Check out these pages! Ever get interrupted on the loo? Is PEEING taking the piss? Drama! From our logs: 21:17, 23 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 62.88.33.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Try to suck less. You're sucking too much. I didn't say "stop"! Take your time. Yeah, that's the stuff. Now gently squeeze my balls.) 17:24, 24 July 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) (blocked SIR TOM CRUISE! with an expiry time of 3 months (no dear, Baha'i is the Truth, or Judaism, I can never remember) 02:34, 28 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 4096.256.16.1 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Dammit, stop being a sockpuppet!) 14:41, 28 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) unblocked 4096.256.16.1 (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Oh, I bet you think you're all crafty n' shit, don'tcha? DON'TCHA! Well guess what: I can see through your ruse now, you sockpuppet-impersonating iIdunnowhat!) 21:04, 29 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.196.62.163 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Wanker: Take a day off. Take some deep breaths. It's only France) Biopic of the Week The Woodburninator ~ What should thou doest upon sighting The Woodburninator? Run away, apparently. Unless you're looking to read some high quality articles. Last month's NotM has made quite an impression on Uncyclopedia in his short time here, despite claims that he is about as useful as the 5-star rating system. Don't be fooled! WB is on track to contribute far more than the ratings system (especially since the average UnSignpost rating is about 1.2), and then some. Just don't scroll all the way down to the bottom of his userpage... Old-school featured article of the week Check out Moon hoax. Ever been told by one of your know-it all friends that we never landed on the moon, and it was all staged on a set in the desert? Well, after reading this article, you should be prepared to thoroughly debunk your narrow-minded chum. Just be sure that you wager heavily on 'we went to the moon' before you start explaining. This Week's Horoscopes NOW UPDATED FOR WEEK OF 7/28/08 Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will learn the true meaning of Christmas after much embarrassment and the intervention of a friend with a dictionary. see more horoscopes Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Russian Hyper Text Coffee Pot Control Protocol and the Crappy Translation. Quotes of the Week <DrSkullthumper> Goatse is work safe if you're a proctologist <AAA^> "Muslim Porn: Women revealing their hair"

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 07:47, 5 August 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: July 31st, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

July 31^st, 2008 • Lucky Thirteenth Issue • Now with 20% more ninjas!

The biggest little whorehouse on the internet By Gerrycheevers Oftentimes, Uncyclopedians choose to create something on their userpages, safe from the prying eyes and hungry 'delete' buttons of admins. These entities can range from the ridiculously complex to the awesomely cartoonish. The newest user creation on this silly wiki is that of a charming gentle-bot by the name of MrN9000. At 'The Whorehouse', writers can bathe in the attention they so desperately seek. A sort of hands-on Pee Review, the Whorehouse encourages other users to edit, trim, improve, rub up against, and generally increase the quality of the articles of others. Authors suffering from mental blocks (or physical blocks) can turn to this dimly lit establishment for inspiration. While considered a 'smashing' idea by some, the brothel has drawn its share of criticism. It may have even caused a site-wide questioning of the rules of VFH, guidelines of Pee Review, and the vailidity of the Committee That Selects Zombiebaron's Daily Banstick. The main concern seems to be articles getting 'mucked up' by having too many contributors. Opponents to this opinion have pointed out that this is a wiki, and, in theory, an infinite number of contributors contributing to an infinite number of articles for an infinite amount of time were eventually destined to create the Whorehouse, anyway. Some users, such as Ljlego, have taken advantage of the open space to hold some sort of charity-scamming orgy. Whatever the destiny of the Whorehouse, it is sure to catch every Uncyclopedian's attention for at the least five minutes immediately following the reading of this article. Virus exposes user vulnerability to death By Regret Tenenbaum Yes, it's true. Death is inevitable for all users who have logged in recently. Apparently, a rouge admin created a computer virus so potent you actually contract testicular cancer. Real cancer. Like, In real life. Seriously. And how does one contract the virus? Users are warned that that the simple act of logging in to Uncyclopedia will cause one to contract the fatal disease. "Yes, I know cancer isn't a disease nor a virus" said one doctor "but still, it sucks. I mean - it's cancer - IN YOUR BALLS. Come on." So how exactly does on know when they have cancer? Symptoms may include one or more of the following: a lump in one testis or a hardening of one of the testicles The testicle should normally feel smooth to the touch. Ridges may be felt because of enlarged blood vessels or tumor growth. Additionally the entire testicle may feel hard and bumpy to the touch. Abnormal sensitivity (either numbness or pain) loss of sexual activity sexual withdrawal build-up of fluid in the scrotum a dull ache in the lower abdomen or groin an increase, or significant decrease, in the size of one testis blood in semen General weak and tired feeling The testicle with a tumor may be severely enlarged, as much as 3 times the original size. Simultaneously the other testicle may be shrunken in size, due to the tumor taking up the majority of the blood supply to the scrotum. Other nasty stuff. Make sure to constantly check your testicles by feeling them for irregularities with your fingers. ... That's right. ... Just feel 'em up ... nice ... Ahem! Uh... Simple vigilance is a big help. The best time to check is after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. And what of the female users? No, not even the three of them are safe. It has been proven that even female users can contract testicular cancer. How, you ask? Well, by a miracle of God, the female will grow testicles, that will then become "cancerfied" (or "cancer-ific", if you prefer.) The only users who are safe from this horrible plague are IP addresses, as they lack testes and the ability to grow any. Remember kids, no matter how much Dr. Health, Esq. tells you cancer is great, don't believe him. Oh? ... What's that? ... I said something about dying? ... Oh. ... Well, if one of your testicles was three times bigger than the other and your semen was filled with blood, would you not kill yourself? That's right...

Check out these pages! Ever get interrupted on the loo? Is PEEING taking the piss? Drama! From our logs: 21:17, 23 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 62.88.33.191 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Try to suck less. You're sucking too much. I didn't say "stop"! Take your time. Yeah, that's the stuff. Now gently squeeze my balls.) 17:24, 24 July 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) (blocked SIR TOM CRUISE! with an expiry time of 3 months (no dear, Baha'i is the Truth, or Judaism, I can never remember) 02:34, 28 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 4096.256.16.1 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Dammit, stop being a sockpuppet!) 14:41, 28 July 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) unblocked 4096.256.16.1 (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Oh, I bet you think you're all crafty n' shit, don'tcha? DON'TCHA! Well guess what: I can see through your ruse now, you sockpuppet-impersonating iIdunnowhat!) 21:04, 29 July 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.196.62.163 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Wanker: Take a day off. Take some deep breaths. It's only France) Biopic of the Week The Woodburninator ~ What should thou doest upon sighting The Woodburninator? Run away, apparently. Unless you're looking to read some high quality articles. Last month's NotM has made quite an impression on Uncyclopedia in his short time here, despite claims that he is about as useful as the 5-star rating system. Don't be fooled! WB is on track to contribute far more than the ratings system (especially since the average UnSignpost rating is about 1.2), and then some. Just don't scroll all the way down to the bottom of his userpage... Old-school featured article of the week Check out Moon hoax. Ever been told by one of your know-it all friends that we never landed on the moon, and it was all staged on a set in the desert? Well, after reading this article, you should be prepared to thoroughly debunk your narrow-minded chum. Just be sure that you wager heavily on 'we went to the moon' before you start explaining. This Week's Horoscopes NOW UPDATED FOR WEEK OF 7/28/08 Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will learn the true meaning of Christmas after much embarrassment and the intervention of a friend with a dictionary. see more horoscopes Foreign Uncyc Page of the Week: Russian Hyper Text Coffee Pot Control Protocol and the Crappy Translation. Quotes of the Week <DrSkullthumper> Goatse is work safe if you're a proctologist <AAA^> "Muslim Porn: Women revealing their hair"

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THEDUDEBOT Armed and Ready Say The Word 07:47, 5 August 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: August 7th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

August 7^th, 2008 • Fourteenth Issue • Just like Grandma used to make!

Uncyclopedia Forum set to consume the Internet By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Top scientists at the Uncycloversity this week predicted that a Village Dump topic, started in June by prominent Uncylopedian and alchemist Spang, will one day consume the entire internet. According to the university's top expert, Dr. Skullthumper, Ph.D.: "This is one of those things that could go on forever. I mean, at least counting to a million has a definite ending. With this, there is no end, since everyone wants to be the last person to edit." Wikia staff member and Uncyclopedian Sannse predicts that the forum topic will take up all of Wikia's hardware by late 2009 and will then begin to "consume all around it, like I did that time I tried marijuana." She went on to add, "nothing will be safe – not even Wikipedia," before blessing herself and staring reverently at a statue of Jimmy Wales. Others, however, are more optimistic. According to Modusoperandi, "eventually someone will invent some sort of robot or hobgoblin to automatically edit the topic, and then it will have to be locked. Either that, or someone will figure out that there is no prize, rendering the whole thing pointless. And then I shall be the winner!" Spang was unavailable for comment because, according to his spokesperson, "he is busy in his cave dreaming up more crazy schemes to destroy the internet." Admins everywhere! By Gerrycheevers If you're a wiki-troll, cyberbullying vandal or extremely crappy article, you'd better start watching your behind. Three new deputies were voted in by the Uncyclopedia Sheriff's Department: Dr. Skullthumper, RAHB, and Roman Dog Bird. The trio were bestowed this great honor last Friday by Codeine. This brings the total amount of active authority figures who could wallop you over the head with a banhammer to 29. The reason for the unusally high number of new sysops is that a clear consensus could not be reached, and also that all three of these individuals are "awesome". The new admins were extremely pleased and greatly honored by their new title. None of them wasted any time in executing their first sysop move (RAHB and Dr. Skullthumper banned Cajek; Roman Dog Bird deleted one hundred articles, then banned Cajek). The prescence of these new neighborhood patrollers was evident immediately, with QVFD being renamed "Skull and RAHB's House of Huffing", and placing {{VFD}} in an article now automatically classifying it as "Roman Dog Bird's bitch". The reactions from the new sysops were similar, with all three pledging to delete bad articles, ban unworthy knuckleheads, continue plans for world domination, and "try not to muck up the site too much". RAHB has set himself lofty goals, including "keeping it cool" and some wiki-related nonsense that this reporter didn't understand. Roman Dog Bird wished the readers of the Signpost to know that he said "something", and went on to add that he will continue to "clean crap up...only now with more power." Dr. Skullthumper is thankful that no one has caught on to the trio of new ops and expresses his optimism as far as not being immediately de-opped, but also listed several early accomplishments as well as future goals. With these three brave new souls now patrolling the corridors of this silly wiki, it is truly a dark time for terrible articles, merciless vandals, and Cajek.

Check out these pages! Against againsts? Census time Is it, in fact, Hammer Time? Skullthumper revealed! From our logs: 01:57, 1 August 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Okay, that's enough Uncyclopedia. Bye.) 02:05, 1 August 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) unblocked Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) ‎ (ARGH NOOOO I CAN'T ESCAPE) 20:14, 3 August 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Orian57 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 15 minutes ‎ (Admins do not abuse their powers. On the contrary, Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia) 14:21, 6 August 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) huffed "EQ" ‎ (Thanks for the Psychology course refresher. Don't worry, I paid attention in that class, I don't really need it.) 15:54, 7 August 2008, Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.106.53.68 (Talk) (expires 15:54, 8 August 2008, anon. only, account creation blocked) (I don't know what the Somali is for "Don't do that". But don't do that.) Biopic of the Week SysRq ~ Not just a button on your keyboard anymore (well, half a button, really), SysRq has become quite the Uncyclopedian in his time here. Spending his time writing awesome stuff, utilizing his platinum urinal, and coming up with stuff on the fly, he has earned a spot among the elite that Uncyc has to offer. (And this seems to be a bit of a recurring theme, but again, don't scroll all the way down to the bottom of his userpage.) Old-school featured article of the week Check out Battle of Gettysburg, a harrowing documentary of one of the bloodiest battles in the American Civil War, and one man's fight to get through it. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Help! I am being held hostage in the horoscope editing room! see more horoscopes

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Painstakingly hand-delivered by: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:39, 12 August 2008 (UTC)

WTF!?

Why did you bann me!? -- —The preceding unsigned comment was added by 98.181.43.86 (talk • contribs)

Dunno, could be any number of reasons. First of all, who are you? This is your only contrib under this IP address. Give me your username and I can unblock you. -- Hindleyite Converse 10:35, 14 August 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: August 14th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

August 14^th, 2008 • Fifteenth Issue • May contain traces of humor

Uncyclopedia kidnapped! By Gerrycheevers In a shocking development, a brazen individual absconded with Uncyclopedia just over a week ago. Users were shocked when their attempts to access the site between 18:33 and 20:07 UTC on August 4th resulted in a sinister message being displayed, promising the swift return of the wiki should the kidnapper's demands be met. Panic ensued, with several Uncyclopedians wandering off to places unknown, never to return. Once the site was restored and the intertubes reconnected, the identity of the culprit was obvious: Orian57 had made the last edit before the ninety-minute gap, with the ominous and puzzling edit summary of "I AM STEALING UNCYCLOPEDIA!!!" The site itself seemed to be mostly fine after its harrowing ordeal, with the exception of VFP, which turned all of Zombiebaron's against votes into ten for votes during the first few hours back. This reporter caught up to Orian57, and had the opportunity to talk with him at some length about the reasons for the abduction. After consulting with his lawyer, Orian agreed to comment on the situation. On why he stole the wiki, he said, "my motivation for this cyber-terrorism wasn't something trite like 'because I could' or 'it wasn't me'. No. It was because nobody was paying me any attention!" It seems that Orian, in a desperate bid for attention, locked the Uncyclopedia server in a basement, and attempted to edit it so that all content referred to him. Perhaps his subconcious got the better of him, or perhaps the spirit of Sophia came to Uncyclopedia's rescue. In any case, Orian claims he heard a female voice speaking to him, which convinced him to return the server and allow "uncyclopedians around the world to stop masturbating and return to peeling potatoes or whatever they do." Some sort of competition finishes By UU So as you may have noticed, recently a contest of titanic proportions has been gripping the world like no other event. Palms have been sweaty, nails have been chewed, bribes, threats, and allegations of stimulant abuse have been rife. But now, the latest incarnation of the Poo Lit Surprise has drawn to a close, and so our attention can drift to that bunch of steroid-enhanced nutters at the Olympics. Finally, the questions on everyone's lips have been answered. Providing they were related to the Poo Lit Surprise, and who was going to win. Other questions, unfortunately, remain unanswered. However, if you do want to know who won, and haven't found out already, you can find out here. We could just tell you here, but where's the fun in that? We should, however, point out that if you haven't seen all of the articles yet, there are some real crackers amongst them, and not just the winners either - which probably reflects well on the Uncyclopedia Community as a whole, although it may just hint that everyone saved their best articles for this one small period of time and now has nothing else to offer for another 6 months. We'll see, but in the meantime, have a look at all the entries - there should be chuckles on offer whatever your sense of humo(u)r!

Check out these pages! WHAT'S with THE caps SITUATION? Out with the old... ...and in with the legends? From our logs: 13:06, 8 August 2008, Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 60.54.79.28 (Talk) (expires 13:06, 9 August 2008, anon. only, account creation blocked) (Blanker: You disappoint Vishnu.) 19:45, 11 August 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Dxbn (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (You're a boob. Not the good kind, either. If you were, you'd have a nipple right 'there'. Just the thought of you being the good kind of boob makes me a little hard.) 19:51, 11 August 2008, Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 82.40.99.2 (Talk) (expires 19:51, 11 November 2008, anon. only, account creation blocked) (blanking is the lowest form of wit. Even lower than Steve Martin.) Biopic of the Week RadicalX ~ Since the dawn of Uncyclopedia, users have had the need for images. And RadX, himself created with Adobe Photoshop, has obliged. Even a quick look at his image gallery should cause you to drop to your knees and weep. He also is an extremely talented writer, and spends his time spreading the light of The Church of T with his prophet, Bradaphraser. Old-school featured article of the week Ever been knocked in the nards so badly that you saw stars, but never figured out who the culprit was? Well, it was probably midget cockpunching terrorists. These cheeky buggers have been assaulting the most sensitive area of such well-known figures as Frank Sinatra and Ronald Reagan for decades. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week you should be self-centered in all your endeavors, except for grenade-tossing practice. see more horoscopes Shamless space-filler of the week Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Fired out of a newspaper cannon by: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:05, 16 August 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: August 21st, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

August 21^st, 2008 • Issue Sixteen • The periodical without any junk in its trunk

And the award for Sluttiest User goes to... By Gerrycheevers ...Mhaille! With over fifteen thousand links to his userpage strewn willy-nilly about Uncyclopedia, Mhaille takes home the Slutty for the sixth consecutive time. Everyone's favorite moustachioed chappie overtook Codeine in early 2007 and never looked back. When asked about this momentous achievement, Mhaille was still in shock from the victory. "I'd like to give thanks to my mother and my father, for first taking me into the family business. Without their years of experience and their guidance I would not have become the Slut I am today," he said. "It is for them that I hope to make it a seventh title!" Coming in at second on the list was the legendary Benson. Despite having only twenty edits in the past year, Benson has managed to rack up over twelve thousand links to his userpage. He still enjoys a several thousand link lead over slut number three, Thekillerfroggy. When asked how Benson managed to not only maintain his lead, but actually increase it, TKF said, "A wizard did it." In-depth investigation by this reporter revealed that Froggy's signature may have something to do with it, as random selection feature will occasionally cause TKF's sig to spam dozens of links to Benson's userpage, mostly in Dr. Skullthumper's userspace. UnSignpost gets new paper-boy by An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Uncyclopedia's semi-official newspaper, enjoyed by literally several readers each week, has hired a brand new paper boy. This individual has been delivering the UnSignpost for the past two weeks. This cost cutting measure was announced after the guy with the keys to the delivery robots disappeared, taking the keys, several thousand dollars in cash, and a stapler with him. Unconfirmed rumours made up by me suggest that he intends to staple the money to the keys before turning the stapler on himself. The paper boy, who calls himself Gerrycheevers, says that it is a tough job, but he is glad to be able to contribute something. "It's a tough job," he told UnSignpost reporters "but I am glad to be able to contribute something." The young paper boy is saving up his pocket money to buy a new frisbee. The mammoth task has taken its toll on young Mr. Cheevers, leaving him with severe wrist pain and an acute hatred of humanity. "It totally messed up my wrists. I was out of action for days!" he said. Most Uncyclopedians are said to be happy with the new service, saying that they prefer the more personal touch that comes with human delivery. "Those damn robots trampled my garden, broke down my door and killed my dog with their death-rays" said one unfortunate Uncyclopedian. In a related story, Gerrycheevers has been 'throttled' from such activites as moving pages and making mass edits. His repetitive edits have apparently pissed off at least one admin, and Gerry is now limited to one edit per four hours. He has used these edits carefully, and has managed to find a new paperbot. This week, the UnSignpost will be delivered by MantiBot. Subscribers can only hope the new delivery system works out, or the UnSignpost may be doomed.

Check out these pages! Testify! Taking the community down a peg Stop the madness! Think of the children! Etc.! From our logs: 16:52, 17 August 2008 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.212.136.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You are now officially really hated on Uncyclopedia. Congratulations.) 21:30, 16 August 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked 72.220.124.187 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month, 2 days, 3 hours, 4 minutes, 5 seconds ‎ (Blanking a featured article? No mercy.) 06:19, 16 August 2008 Spang (Talk | contribs) blocked 121.72.7.62 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Go and write some bad poetry or something) 10:51, 20 August 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked Nmeallin (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (We regret to inform you that Chuck Norris does not approve of page blanking.) Biopic of the Week RAHB ~ One of the most (if not the most) decorated Uncyclopedians ever, RAHB is one of those guys who seems to be everywhere. Whether it's writing awesome stuff, taking care of crap, or banging out narrations, you can always count on this guy to be lurking somewhere in the bowels of Uncyclopedia, toiling away at his next project. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Being grateful this week could result in improved relationships. Being grating this week could result in cheese fragments that will melt easily over nachos. see more horoscopes VFD Survivor of the week "One man touches the other/it's incest cus were all brothers/you may say its wrong/well its the touch eachother song" Pithy VFH Comment of the Week Meh. I liked the conversation bit, but the rest is pretty bland. Skull tells me he wrote it for a girl or something. And he admits himself that it isn't very good. Well, I wouldn't feature it anyways. Oh yeah, and everything you write is shit, Skull. Everything! Shit, shit, shit! Now start writing something funny, you SHITTY WRITER! Shit shit shit! SHIT!!! - RAHB (Unfomercials:Inspirigun)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

— MantiBot Owner 12:17, 22 August 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: August 28th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

August 28^th, 2008 • SEVENTEENTH ISSUE SPECTACULAR • Word to your mother

Porn Wars End in Sticky Truce By Regret Tenenbaum At exactly 10:28 pm (UTC), Sir Led Balloon did the honors of emblazoning a golden '1000' in the count to a million project, a true milestone on the journey to seven-digit greatness. Another user celebrated by gracing the page with an unprecedented one-thousand-and-one pixel high "1001", which was quickly taken down. The user was, needless to say, embarrassed, yet happy that the uncouth horde of devoted Uncyclopedians had finally reached the number 1000, as such a milestone had not been reached since the number 100 and the end of the Porn Wars. On that note, the Porn Wars ended earlier this week with a tentative truce between Commander Jailbait and General Pervert. The war began the week before, when Regret posted a pin-up girl to balance Orian's photo of a scantily-clad male, claiming he was "bringing balance back to the universe." Regret also stated he would "fight to the death"... or at least until Leddy stepped in, this time to call a "three-pornstuffs rule", which eventually ended the erotic feud. Meth, a constant editor on the forum, said "'twas a fortunate day for all under 18." Still, even with peace returning to the forum, not all is well in the land of counting. On the subject of reaching 1000, one dissenting user said: "Perhaps we should seriously consider stopping there. I mean that would be 1/1000 of the goal! Imagine doing this whole thing, 1000 times. That would mean 3000 archives, give or take." To which another user responded, "unfortunately for you, Nobody cares." Nevertheless, as long as there are users with nothing better to do, the Forum will always trudge on, giving Uncyclopedians something with which to kill thirty seconds, and also giving UnSignpost reporters something to write about. Lack of cure for testicular cancer kills 100 Uncyc members By Methamphetamine Uncycloversity members are still failing to find a cure for our previously mentioned testicular cancer, and to date, 100 people have died of said cancer. When nobody died, some user said it was a rumor made by some other user to piss us all off, right before clutching his balls in pain and dropping dead. Within an hour, about 16 more people died a cancer-related death. A live update shows that 105 users are now dead. You could be next! Don't panic, that'll make you die faster. Regret Tenenbaum, the user who originally warned of the disease, had this to say: "I TOLD YOU SO!" to which he added "Na-nanana-nanana!" The death toll is expected to reach into the thousands, with no end in sight. A memorial was set up earlier today to remember the dead, with one number added for every fallen Uncyclopedian. With fear and panic filling the hearts of users everywhere, there is one question that is on everyone's mind: "WHY GOD, WHY?!" Another live update show that 200 people have now died, and out of those, 10 people killed themselves in anxiety. Remember to always feel your testicles with your fingers. That's right. It helps prevent the cancer from reproducing.

Check out these pages! VOTE VOTE VOT Everyone tell Cajek what they've been up to Who is the man behind Uncyc's curtain? The truth about wikia's staff! From our logs: 05:22, 20 August 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked 12.219.249.248 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days, 14 hours, 15 minutes, 93 seconds ‎ (Blanking Africa does not make it go away.) 20:45, 24 August 2008 Olipro (Talk | contribs) blocked Norwich (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (and you're an annoying cuntfluff) 09:39, 26 August 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 93.190.63.2 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (o hai, no blank plz. kthxbai.) 00:41, 27 August 2008 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) huffed My balls (content was: 'Sweaty and hot.') Biopic of the Week TheLedBalloon - Feature machine and Star Wars aficionado, Uncyc's resident hockey expert has come a long way from his humble beginnings. Seeming to appear on talk pages where there is conflict brewing as if there was some giant balloon signal silhoutted against the clouds, Led's recent oppage ensures that he has the tools to keep Uncyc as most excellent as possible. Old-school featured article of the week Five-time World RiskTM Champion Napoleon Bonaparte was a man of great stature. He enjoyed many military victories, revolutionizing armed combat. He rose to the rank of Emperor, and came closer than any diabolical supervillian has (before or since) to conquering the world. Unfortunately, nobody took him seriously because he was short. This Week's Horoscopes NOW UPDATED FOR WEEK OF 8/25/08 Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Think long and hard before misdirection-linking to the Uncyclopedia article on Penis, as it could result in stiff competition between you and other members of your unit. see more horoscopes

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–—Hv (talk) 30/08 20:23

UnSignpost: September 4th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

September 4th, 2008 • Eighteenth Issue • STOP!! SIGNPOST TIME!!

Uncyclopedia copies Conservapedia By Gerrycheevers Recently, on the fact-based no-spin-zone wiki known as Conservapedia, there has been debate raging over whether to ban all atheists from contributing. Apparently conservapedians believe atheists (those who deny the existence of the creator) to be at the very least a hinderance, and at the very most a hideous group of venom-spitting demon-eyed savages who feed on the blood of children. If this motion garners enough support it may become a 'Conservapedia Commandment', along with 'no girls allowed' and 'slow down, this is a neighborhood.' Mild amusement and complete apathy were rampant among Uncyclopedians yesterday. Some poked fun at the silly conservatives for proposing such a Nazi-esque measure. Others took up the reigns in a new thread: should atheists (of Cthulhu) be barred from Uncyclopedia? It seems support for this action is widespread, and soon 'Cthulhu tests' will be administered to random users at random times. Failure of such tests will result in soul consumption. User Heerenveen had this to say: "I believe that it shouldn't matter whether you are an avid worshipper of Cthulhu, just someone who pretends to like Cthulhu to fit in with your mates, or indeed a foaming-at-the-crotch atheist (of Cthulhu), you should be infinibanned from Uncyc regardless. Unless, of course, you are Cajek," to which Orian57 added, "Richard Dawkins is so sexy." As is the norm here on Uncyclopedia, the controversy was immediately parodied, and then the parody of the controversy was summarily parodied. It has yet to be seen whether the parody of the parody will in fact be parodied. Movie Trailer Announcer Guy Dead at 68 By Gerrycheevers IN A WORLD where JUSTICE is a distant memory...where HOPE seems desperately out of reach...where THROATY BARITONES are hard to come by... ...ONE MAN performed voice-overs for OVER NINETY FOUR THOUSAND FILMS. His DEEPLY SONOROUS VOICE could turn even the most BORING movie into AN ALL-OUT THRILLER... ...Most famously known for THAT GEICO COMMERCIAL HE DID, that man's NAME was DON LAFONTAINE. Critics hailed him as 'THAT MOVIE TRAILER ANNOUNCER GUY' and 'THE DUDE WITH THE CRAZY VOICE'... ...On Monday, LaFontaine PASSED AWAY suddenly when a FIERY EXPLOSION in a SHRAPNEL FACTORY caused the TURBO-CHARGED SPORTSCAR in which he was being pursued by MONGOL HORDES to CAREEN OVER A CLIFF. He was 68...

Check out these pages! Another user says goodbye CENSORED Unflinchingly rigid vanity guidlines to take effect immediately From our logs: 07:32, 29 August 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.42.174.41 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Blanking is uncreative, feeble-minded, and scientifically proven to be evidence of underdeveloped genitalia.) 20:57, 31 August 2008 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 81.109.95.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Go masturbate somewhere else.) 03:32, 2 September 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.59.31.226 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Exemplary douchehattery.) Biopic of the Week 15Mickey20, Uncyc's resident tennis analyst, has won virtually every writing award and competition in existence on the entire site. His PLS and Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball entries were both later featured, and his WotM award stems from the rest of his totally awesome articles. Mickey Mantle is pictured a the right for no reason at all. Old-school Featured Article of the Week Hammers are extremely useful tools, most usually used for whacking stuff. Employed by Norse Gods, Italian plumbers, and 90s rap artists, the hammer can also be used to gouge out eyes and perform other tasks. Reading up on this article will result in increased knowledge of the hammer life cycle and sexual abuse of hammers, but may also cause severe cranial damage. This Week's Horoscopes Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you assume, you typically make an ass out of Ume. And you know how sensitive that guy is. see more horoscopes

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―― Sir Heerenveen, KUN [UotM RotM VFH FFS SK CM NS OME™] (talk), 5/09 17:06

UnSignpost: September 11th, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

September 11^th, 2008 • Nineteenth Issue • All your readers are belong to us

Uncyclopedia celebrates 9/11 By Cajek 8 years ago, America was attacked or something. Uncyclopedians, who are true patriots, celebrated the eighth anniversary in true American fashion: by doing mostly nothing of interest to anyone but themselves. The UnSignpost devoted nine-hundred-eleven minutes of silence to the event Thursday by not even bothering to send itself out. "The Unsignpost was there nine years ago during those super not-kewl terrorist attacks," said chief writer Gerrycheevers. "I wasn't part of the staff then, so I promise that, in the 911th issue, we will devote a whole article to the events of that frabjuous day." In the 911th year of publication, the Unsignpost promises to dedicate the whole issue to 9/11 and those rascally terrorists. "We've already got 911 stories lined up for publication!" said staff photographer Larry. "It's too bad we have to wait so long to get them to the public, but that's what happens when you honor a holiday like this the way you're SUPPOSED to." Uncyclopedia's main page was 11/9-themed for the occasion. When Mordillo and Spang were alerted that nothing interesting happened on November ninth, 2001, Larry, Mordillo's public relations officer, claimed that "it [didn't] matter: One date is the same as the next. Why don't you Unsignpost people shut the hell up? Oh, and uh, I won't be able to come in Monday: it's my sister's wedding." Other wikis in cyberspace exist, and therefore did things relating to 9/11. Conservapedia, a conservative parody of Uncyclopedia, celebrated by drawing figures of Mohammed on their private nuclear stockpile. Legopedia celebrated by informing the public of Lego's new action series: 9/11: the Suckiest Thing Ever. Jengapedia honored the fallen by sponsoring a 911 minute championship Jenga competition. Liberalpedia, on the other hand, did nothing of any consequence. >:( FUCK YOU LIBERALS!! FUCK YOUUUU!!!! The Unsignpost would like to print a retraction of it's 47th issue from September 11th, 2001, wherein the terrorist attacks were called "super-kewl" and the terrorists themselves hailed as heroes. Those responsible have been sacked. Conservation Week Returns! By Gerrycheevers Conservation Week, also known as 'Rewrite-a-thon' or 'De-crap-ification', is upon our community once again. Twice a year, Uncyclopedians band together to clean out the weeds and squirrel corpses from promising trees found in the rewrite category, among other places. Due to the retirement of co-founder Jocke Pirat and quasi-inactiveness of co-founder THE, another user has stepped in with promises to annoy every user until they rewrite at least one article. That user shall remain anonymous. Opening day for this well-liked, popular, and intriguing event is Monday the 15th. The winner of the competition will receive the Greasy Mechanic Award for having rewritten the most articles in the two-week competition. Past winners include THE and Jocke Pirat. Be sure to participate early so as to avoid annoying requests to "rewrite an article, you lazy git!" The event has thrown into sharp relief the lack of Uncyclopedia events, or the excess of Uncyclopedia events, depending on who you ask. Ideas like Forest Fire Week and Everyone Edit A Ton Of Articles Week have not received much support, but may be enacted in the future to keep ADD-riddled Uncyclopedians something to do for five minutes. RC takes home NotM By Gerrycheevers After years of fruitless nominations, Rcmurphy has finally won n00b of the Month. The announcement came last week, when none of the three candidates fufilled the requirements necessary for winning the n00by. It seemed the two new users had both failed to write an article, and So So did not meet the main n00bishness requirement. Since there was no clear winner, the award went to Rc by Rule 4.1, Clause 3 of the NotM eligibility guidelines. As far as the NotM badge itself, it was initally placed on So So's userpage. After relenquishing the honor to Rcmurphy, So So proceeded to foul the badge and offer it to the user who wanted it the most. After the planned Panel of Penis Monkeys from Outer Space cancelled, a phone-in contest was held, in which Colin "All your base" Heaney dominated the competiton. He took home the badge and now proudly displays the feces-ridden merit on his userpage. In a related story, Rcmurphy is up for NotM yet again. However, he is facing stiff competition from W.T. Door, a U.S. Navy seamen who spends his time swabbing decks, battoning down hatches, and writing cool stuff.

Check out these pages! More fanmail from celebrities Responding response VF...R? From our logs: 22:25, 5 September 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.130.4.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Disliking the Matrix.) 06:19, 9 September 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.240.72.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Oh, please. My grandmother could take down the US Military if she so desired.) 11:07, 11 September 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 125.27.19.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (The cabal cartel deems you unworthy for further edits.) Biopic of the Week Adored by his hordes of fans, Cajek can usually be found in the 'ban room'. Uncyc's fifth-most featured author, one can argue that he has revolutionized the wiki with his unique writing style. His regulation of Pee Review and founding of this very periodical are among the many ways he has somehow managed to contribute to the site between his bans. Old-school Featured Article of the Week Perhaps the most feared out of any of the creatures that walk the Earth, the Gazebo is as lethal as it is deadly. Known for their excellent camouflage and for being extremely protective of their young (pictured), humans can only hope to never encounter one of these legendary beasts in their lifetime. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - There is travel in your future followed by a lack of travel, followed by very slow travel. Things you'll be sitting in include sports car, hospital bed and electric wheelchair controlled by a blow tube. see more horoscopes Retraction of the Week Last issue we claimed that people from Eurasia are "subhuman scum". We would like to make a hasty retreat from this. Those responsible have been promoted and reassigned, against all the wishes of God and man. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, GERRY!! Re-retraction of the Week Last week we retracted our claim that "all mammals, including humans, should be killed and stockpiled for the coming nuclear winter." We would like to retract that retraction for reasons that can't be given in full in this issue. EDITOR'S NOTE: Look for a full explanation in about four issues VFD Survivor of the Week Movie Of Lady Whose Ankle Is Showing is pornography film set for release in the summer of 2009. Not since Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One has producer/director Robot Thomas Edison so brilliantly captured handicap fetishes or William Shatner's Jewishness. Starring Paris Hilton as Dickin Mymouth, Rosie O'Donnell as Your Mother, and William Hung as Tingle the Magical Flying Aardvark of Justice, this is one film that is sure to captivate audiences worldwide. Sabbatical of the Week Under user has gone to some hemisphere other than his own, possibly the bottom one. We here at the UnSignpost wish him a trip free of kangaroo attacks, drop bear maulings, swarms of dozens and dozens of scorpions, and the various other pleasentries from down under.

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— MantiBot Owner 10:56, 17 September 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: October 3rd, 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

October 2^nd, 2008 • ALL-KITTEN ISSUE • Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

Uncyclopedia's Name Changed By Cajek According to Wikia staff member Sannse, Uncyclopedia's advertising revenue is below expectations and must rename itself to appeal to the younger generation. "I think the problem is that 'Uncyclopedia' has lost its edge," Sannse said to a crowd of squirrels and kittens gathered around the Uncyclo-stables last Saturday, "...all of which is contained in its name." Older users, like Mordillo, the jew who secretly controls "Uncyc," and TheLedBalloon, who is an inanimate balloon, strongly petition for the name to stay the same. The Unsignpost couldn't be bothered to actually read the forum that Sannse created, but we're assuming that everyone's against changing the name to "Asparagus.org" or something. The name change will reflect the personalities and interests of every single contributor. "Yeah, Asparagus.org is gonna have to do until we figure out what would be a good name," Sannse yelled at a local gathering of squirrels in Uncyclopedia's break room. Many users have complained about the change, but not AsparagusSignPost, which has run into a little trouble with the law recently, and doesn't want to go back to jail by disobeying "the man" or causing "drama". Because, as we ALL know, some head writers have been banned a whole bunch of times for being "different". So to Asparagus.org we say: "Keep the funnies coming, unless someone is forecasting your doom again..." Uncyclopedia's Doom Forecasted By Gerrycheevers For the first time in over two weeks, the flaming death of this silly wiki has been predicted in some form. Last time it was that stain that looked puzzlingly like Jimbo Wales, the time before it was that bird that flew overhead. You know the one I mean. This time around, undead user Necropaxx has pointed out several recent disturbing trends that seem to mean only one thing: Uncyc is about to suffer its death throes. It seems this time that the demise of the wiki will also utterly destroy the souls of every one of the dozens of users who contribute here regularly. Tidings such as this have frightened new users such as September NotM Multiliteralist, who had his to say: "Oh no." Several of the signs that Uncyclopedia is doomed are unarguably true: VFP is stagnant due to the lack of Zombiebaron activity. The Pee Review queue is backed up worse than a public toilet after Cinco de Mayo. Modusoperandi seems to be malfunctioning, as he has dispensed with his usual biting wit in favor of just plain biting. It appears, in at least a few users' eyes, that Uncyc has "jumped the kitten". Lack of News Wreaks Havoc on UnSignpost By Regret Tenenbaum In an unprecedented press conference earlier this week, UnSignpost editor-in-chief Mr. Gerry Cheevers (the user, not the hockey player) admitted that "This week's issue is actually still a blank template", further stating "I've been swamped at work, and today developed cold-like symptoms." However, some experts disagree on the cause of an UnSignpost devoid of news. "There is an obvious explanation for the lack of gratifying news stories in the USP this week," said Mr. News Guy, the world-renowned news reporter, kitten enthusiast, and unicycle-fetish expert. "There is just no news to report on," he continued, to which the reporter we borrowed from UnNews responded "And what's causing this lack of news?" "That's just it! There's no news to report on!" "So... you're saying is, the reason there's no news is because there's no news?" "Exactly! And it's just a matter of time until some attention whore writes a stupid and redundant story on the fact that there's no news!" This story is dedicated to the memory of Mr. News Guy, whose body was recovered from the Los Angeles river the next day.

Check out these pages! Feature Kitten Huffing (Again)! Sarah Palin hates kittens Our kitten overlord returns, bearing a gift From our logs: 7:41, 20 September 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Just got back. Haven't banned Cajek in a month. Gotta get my fix. CLICK. Aaaaaah yeeeeeahhh. That's gooood shit.) 19:36, 21 September 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Reggie4 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 days ‎ (You have 2 cows. Both of them are banned.) 12:16, 23 September 2008 Cajek (Talk | contribs) blocked a kitten (Talk | contibs) with an expiry time of 4 hours (it's lonely in the ban room, i want a friend) 19:01, 24 September 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 207.236.90.177 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I tire of your actions. Begone, ye pointlessness, from yon wiki.) 06:59, 1 October 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.106.6.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Pro Cat-in-the-hat vandalism? I think the internet just hit a new low.) Biopic of the Week DJ Irreverent: HAS A LIL' KITTEN!!! Old School Featured Article of the Week Kitten Huffing is the newest form of street activity that is corrupting the youth of the nation. Your nation, that is. By ingesting kittens nasally, one can enjoy a euphoric 'high' of sorts, complete with snazzy colors and loss of motor skills. A prepped kitten awaiting huffing is pictured. Kitten huffing has spawned many parodies and non-existant memes, but the act of snorting live kittens is no joke. This Week's Horoscopes GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Enjoy the time you spend with your kitten this week because...um...just in case... see more horoscopes People with Kittens this week This guy. Sabbatical of the Week Zombiebaron has taken an extended leave to ease his undead mind and change out his forest-green blood. He may or may not be traveling to some of the most luxurious and tropical destinations that Canada has to offer. He may or may not still ban you while he is away. His sabbatical may or may not be kitten-related. Stay tuned to the UnSignpost for the latest developments on ZB's location.

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-- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 23:46, 3 October 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: October 10th 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

October 9^th, 2008 • Twenty-First Issue • Bursting with Crunchy Goodness!

Uncyclopedia Stock Plummets By Gerrycheevers Uncyclopedia stockholders are in a state of panic after shares of Uncyclomedia fell over 60% this week amid fears of a writing recession. "I just can't gamble on a rebound," said one investor as he carefully climbed out onto his window ledge overlooking Wall Street, perhaps seeking some fresh air. "With the current economic and comedic climate, and rumors of the destruction of the website, it looks like Uncyc Incorporated is about to fold." Other investors are slightly more optimistic. We ran into a smartly dressed woman in the Uncyc break room and were intrigued as to why a female would ever have enough confidence in the wiki to invest the large sum of one dollar bills she was counting. It turned out that she was a stripper, but we did eventually find someone who still had faith in the company. "There's so much more to the Uncyclopedia Empire than just the humor wiki," said confident money-man Chet Hardluck. "There's the kitten factory, the escort service, the games & sports division...and don't forget the world's largest boron-smelting plant!" When it was pointed out that these claims are in fact bollocks (except for the boron plant), Hardluck joined the queue of businessmen waiting their turn to get some frsh air on the suddenly popular ledge. The fate of the Uncyclopedia corporation remained unclear at press time. Some say that if Uncyc stock plummets through enough negative numbers, the stock will reset itself at zero, resulting in huge negative negative profits for those who bought the stock whilst it was negative. Uncyclopedia announces invasion of YouTube This week the first UnTunes was uploaded onto YouTube, the video sharing site so weighed down by copyright infringements that it certainly would not float in the tub. Our staff couldn't be bothered to watch the video, but we assume from the description of the foray that it is some sort of archival recordings of Oscar Wilde being awesome. The first upload began a series of incursions onto YouTube by all types of Uncyclopedians. Some made sense, such as article narrations and UnTunes. Some were questionable, such as the gangsta rap video by the usually timid Sycamore. But nearly 99% of all material in the 'Uncyclopedia' category is patent nonsense, such as a visualization of AAAAAAA!, faceoffs between George Bush & Kanye West and Steve Ballmer & various other injokes, and a 'don't blink contest' featuring Gert5 staring into a camera for nine hours.

Check out these pages! Be nice to n00bs! Poop management A modest proposal From our logs: 17:23, 4 October 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked AdamtheSpud (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Thou shalt not create stupid MySpace vanity; nor shalt thou spam links to it across the site, lest ye be smited) 02:00, 6 October 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked 100100100 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Jesus rang. He hates you for blanking your neighbor's article. Also, he says he caught you mastrubating the other day. They're reserving a spot in the ninth circle of hell for you. Enjoy!) 23:50, 6 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 72.147.9.218 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Excuse me my kind sir, but may I please ask of you what the fuck you're doing?) Biopic of the Week The Thinker is an Uncyclopedia powerhouse. He was last year's bestest writer and is the proud papa of 17 featured articles (and proud co-papa of a further 14). He has won numerous awards for his writing skills, journalistic style, and sexy baritone. His fame and fortune stem from his daily routine of cleansing the body and spirit. Old-School Featured Article of the Week The Swedish Orienteering And Firing A Rat From A Cannon Championships is an annual Swedish tradition dating back to simpler times, when the joy of launching rodents into a lake could light up the face of the young and old alike. However, protests and scandals have recently threatened this once-great occasion, and interest has dwindled to the point where the land of Sweden is once again littered with unlaunched rats.

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— Sir Sycamore (talk) 18:55, 10 October 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: 21 October 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

October 16^th, 2008 • Twenty-Second Issue • Now with 40% more Batman!

Uncyc Users throw Support Behind Joe Plumber By Gerrycheevers Uncyclopedians today officially declared their undying allegience to Joe Plumber, a newcomer in the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Plumber was thrust into the spotlight last night at the second of many dreadfully boring presidential debates between those two or more candidates currently jockeying for the office. His name was mentioned no less than twenty-four dozen times by the candidates, with each claiming that Joe sided with him on issues such as healthcare, tax increases, and the 'Canada Problem'. One candidate even went so far as to claim that he and Plumber were 'buddies', and that Plumber installed a new bathtub in his palatial presidential candidate mansion last July. Several prominent Uncyclopedians spoke out in vehement support of Plumber, citing his many qualifications to be the leader of the free world. "He's a maverick in the plumbing industry," said staunch pro-Plumberer Colin "All your base" Heaney. "He also has a plan to live the American Dream, through the infinite wisdom of buying his own plumbing company. America needs dreamers, Gerry." Despite being asked to stop commenting, Heaney went on to say that Plumber "cleans people's pipes on a regular basis." Other supporters of Joe Plumber's campaign and platform included inanimate objects such as TheLedBalloon. "The most important thing to know about Joe Plumber is that he is AMERICAN, in bold italics underlined and all caps, just like that." When asked to give another example of how patriotic both he and Plumber are, Mr. Balloon replied, "Just picture him standing in front of a flag with the Star Spangled Banner playing in the background, and you'll know why I support his presidency." Current polls show Plumber trailing in the presidential race, with an estimated zero percent of all voters. His backers are trying to spread the word about Joe's tax relief plan, his rugged good looks, and his skill with a pair of slip-nose pliers. Uncylopedia Issues Food Stamps By Gerrycheevers Due to the recent downturn in the economy, Uncyclopedia officials have issued hundreds of food stamps to users who have no means of feeding themselves. These users might be out of a job or have no arms. In any case, these food stamps are to be given out on alternate Thursdays, except for odd-numbered months, months ending in 'y' or 'r', and April. They will be available at the Uncyclopedia Meat Depot, the boron smelting plant, or by calling the new food stamps hotline. These food stamps will be valid for purchasing a wide variety of nutritious and delicious items from the Uncyclopedia Farmer's Market and Livestock Emporium. Included are items such as pre-packed huffable kittens, gummi grues, and AAAAAAA! cookies.

Check out these pages! Happy days are here again! For the greater good of the Empire Weekly 'Uncylopedia sucks' forum, right on time From our logs: 06:45, 10 October 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Wp 815 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(Blanking pages is so Emo. Now go write about it in your Livejournal.) 16:46, 13 October 2008 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked You can shove your wiki up your arse. SIDEWAYS. (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎(I'd come up with something witty if I wasn't too busy eating.) 09:01, 14 October 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Nihilist909 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Whatever it is you're doing, you shall not do that anymore. At least until tomorrow.) 12:23, 15 October 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.15.183.15 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(What's the Thai for "fuck off and stop vandalising our website"? Whatever it is, kindly do so.) Biopic of the Week With one of the loudest userpages you'll ever see, urine aficinado and making-stuff-up-as-you-go-along expert Orian57 is, among other things, pleased to not be a Power Ranger. Just don't look under his mattress. From the Desk of the Cabal Firstly, there is no cabal. However, if one were to exist, it might remind citizens to leave the Uncyc offices well before dark, as the streets are generally safer in the daylight, and Cajek continues to feed the gremlins after midnight. In addition, whatever organizations intended to ensure public safety might happen to exist might also happen to enforce a shoot-on-sight 7:00 curfew. These guidelines are still useful, even though there certainly is not a cabal.

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--Sycamore (Talk) 10:02, 21 October 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: 3-ish November 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

November 3^rd-ish, 2008 • Twenty-Third Issue • Better than things that aren't as good!

Address Change: Return To Sender? For those of you with your heads buried in the sand, or who choose to concentrate on writing articles, or who don't ever look at address bars, or who don't care: Uncyclopedia's domain name has been changed by evil communist oppressors Wikia. If you are one of those people, here's a brief summary of the incident: Sannse tells us Wikia have decided the domain is changing. We don't get any say in the matter, but do get to suggest ideas for the new name. Lucky us. Fuck.Wikia.Com is a popular suggestion with all except Wikia. Lots of people get angry, Zombiebaron sticks his undead head in briefly, Codeine adds a Bill Hicks clip railing against the evils of advertising, lots of people sign a petition threatening something vague if the change goes ahead. The change goes ahead. There follows an uncoordinated response, during which some users go on strike and do nothing, some users open the wiki up to vandalism, and some users get pissed off about it. The UnSignpost goes on strike for a week in solidarity, and doesn't, for example, miss another week due to the laziness of editors. Oh no. The change is of such profound magnitude, it even brought Mooses out of self-imposed exile. Briefly. Sort of. The community decides an uncoordinated response isn't working, and tries to get its shit together. There are even attempts to elect a Cabal to deal with the issues. The self-defeating nature of attempting to establish an Uncyc Cabal is not lost on some. Skullthumper solves the problem. Sort of. If you aren't one of those people, here's an even briefer summary: Shit happened. People got pissed. The world has so far failed to end. More on this ongoing situation as we get it. Probably. Glorious return to form for MrN! The UnSignpost is pleased to be able to report that, after a two-month self-imposed embargo, popular poopsmith MrN9000 has made a glorious return to using underwear references in his daily conversation! The dam finally burst at 23.06 on Oct 22nd, and all those who know him could feel and share the relief, the release of that pent-up tension and the sheer untrammelled joy of their favourite user with a pair of tits in his sig. Fellow poopsmith and genial man-about-town UU said of the momentous occasion: "you what? MrN? Oh yeah, him. Good bloke. Knows his underwear". Then he scratched his nose reflectively and wandered off. MrN himself was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press/we couldn't be bothered to interview him (delete as you think applicable), but the UnSignpost fondly imagines he would have smiled enigmatically, raised an eyebrow quizzically, nodded appreciatively, and said "PANTS!" predictably. The pants themselves were also unavailable for comment.

Check out these pages! ALL CAPS v Ban Magnet. Modus gets vaguely irked. Did we miss doing a Hallowe'en issue? From our logs: 09:26, 20 October 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked 121.217.149.137 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (You're interrupting my essay writing. Unless you plan on writing my essay for me, fuck off.) 04:20, 22 October 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 210.15.244.104 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You, sir, have gone above and beyond the call of failure. Now that may sound like a compliment, but read it again, paying special attention to that last word. Yeah.) 18:03, 22 October 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.70.120.2 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Your friends do not interest us. Your sister does.) 04:57, 23 October 2008 Tom mayfair (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: & Not The Good Sexual Kind of Harassment Either) Biopic of the Week Sexy, Pompey-supporting bureaucrat Codeine has probably banned you. If he hasn't, he probably will. Soon. Viewed as one of the most diligent and trusted admins on the site, Codeine has probably been here longer than you as well. And he'll probably be here long after you leave too. Deal with it. VFD kept article of the week French accent. Zo, you zink ze article iz zaveabeule? Zut alors! Well geurd leurck weez reewriteeng eet zen! Meurdeus, Preetiestpreeteey and 'yperbeule 'ave made a stert. Cajek ban of the week 00:43, 26 October 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Posting in the forums. You know better than to get involved in the community. Now get back in your cage.)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Shoved through the letterbox for the one and only time by UU - natter 11:49, Nov 6

UnSignpost: 13th November 2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

November 13^th, 2008 • Issue 24 • So close to journalism you'll be hard pushed to know the difference!

Uncyclopedian does something vaguely noteworthy in "real life" In an unprecedented development, Uncyclopedian 15Mickey20 has made a foray into media activity outside of the internets. Mickey, Uncyc's tennis correspondent, has been seen on popular-with-students-and-pensioners UK gameshow Countdown, operating under the pseudonym "Martin". Mickey has so far failed to live up to Uncyclopedia's proudest traditions, by actually being quite good at the game. Indeed, at the time of writing, he'd won several games, including what he modestly described as "an awesome numbers game, beating Carol". He also shamelessly mentioned his connection to the site in a recent episode, leading to quite literally no extra edits to the Countdown article - still, thanks for the plug, Mick! Having spent time in the company of such notable international icons as Des O'Connor (no, we don't have a page on him, so there's no link), Paul Zenon (nope, nothing on him either) and Suzy Dent (spotting a pattern here, non-UK readers?) Mickey is now Uncyclopedia's most prominent celebrity, and it's surely only a matter of time before he appears on Strictly Come Dancing or Celebrity Big Brother, and has a lurid kiss-and-tell exposé in Heat Magazine. Various "...of the month" award candidates - November's in-depth analysis Writer of the Month: There's a bumper crop of WotM candidates nominated this month for your voting delectation. The UnSignpost's own Gerrycheevers is the early favourite, having established a significant lead over this week's biopic star Mrmonkey72, several-time nominee SysRq, inactive-for-ages-but-funny Nydas, dark horse Knucmo2 and the multi-featured and multi-talented An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays. But! There is still time, your votes can still make a difference! (Unless you've already voted, natch). Uncyclopedian of the Month: Controversial nominees abound here, as serial ban collector Cajek goes head-to-head with Wikia corporate mouthpiece Sannse. The hyperactive one with the light blue sig is in the lead at present. But! As with certain other popular recent votes, there is a third candidate inexplicably attracting little attention - Dexter111344, a site maintenance and VFD stalwart. Who will win? Only you can decide (and all the other people who vote, obviously). Noob of the Month: No-one. Yet. Find a noob doing something vaguely decent and nominate them please! Otherwise the UnSignpost may just have to bring back the ultimate dead horse for yet more flogging and nom Rcmurphy again. Useless Gobshite of the Month: Kip the Dip is out on his own for this one so far. Having proved an exemplary gobshite for months on end, despite being cruelly denied the recognition of this award, the UnSignpost feels that his time is now, and is abandoning all pretence at unbiased journalism: VOTE KIP FOR UGotM!

Check out these pages! Mad for Uncyclomania! Logical Merge? Hyperdeletionism From our logs: 14:58, 11 November 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 85.118.10.166 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (idiots never learn. That's why they're idiots.) 08:09, 6 November 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.203.113.117 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Didn't your mother tell you not to use such bad language? Inbetween all those dicks she was sucking, I mean. ) 05:04, 6 November 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.46.44.68 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Yeah, I agree, this site is the worst. Tell you what, now you don't have to edit here ever again! Aren't I the best admin ever?) Biopic of the Week Mrmonkey72 is another stellar addition to the Uncyc ranks this year. This highly evolved simian's natural habitat seems to be UnNews, where he's settled with impressive speed, although he's not above writing the odd high quality article as well. And with a Foolitzer Prize and a WotM nom already under his belt, who knows how far he'll go? VFD kept article of the week Odd. Surely there's some potential here folks - one talented writer, or failing that anyone with enough time on their hands, might want to add copious sprinkles of funniness dust to this strange confection. Glorious Return of the Week Hey everyone, SysRq's back!

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MrN9001 12:44, 13 November 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: 20th November2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

November 20^th, 2008 • #100/4 • Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.

UnSignpost Stumbles past 6 month milestone Uncyclopedia's premier periodical, the UnSignpost, has somehow managed not to fade away and die for over 6 months, which should probably merit some kind of special edition, but meh. In true UnSignpost fashion, the editors noticed this about 2 weeks late - the Signpost having been so gloriously conceived (and never was a word more aptly suited to this juvenile-as-all-get-out publication) by Dr. Skullthumper and Cajek back in early May. The first issue rolled off the presses on May 8th, bringing you such earth-shattering news as "Rcmurphy nommed for Noob of the Month again" and "Uncyclopedia F**king Doomed", as well as establishing Signpost tradition with "Spacefiller of the week" (something about Grand Theft Auto). The editor's office here at USP should probably have had a revolving door installed, having been occupied at various times since Cajek and Skull abandoned it by THEDUDEMAN, Gerrycheevers, Heerenveen and some other numpty - although this is small change compared to the number of delivery bots and boys that have thrust the latest issue, still warm, through your letter flaps. Over the months, many other contributors have helped to keep the UnSignpost in its deserved position of "only weekly-ish newspaper on the wiki" - possibly by being so lame that no-one wanted to bother doing another one. And, having brought you such shattering exclusives as "Wookiepedia Too Cool For Cajek", "Porn Wars End in Sticky Truce" and "RC takes home NotM", the UnSignpost shows no sign of speeding up. Maybe one day, the unstoppable forces of apathy will finally overcome those who still labour under the impression that people actually care about seeing block log entries and biopics arrive on their talk page weekly, and the UnSignpost will grind to a halt. But until then, it will continue to bring you all the old news you've already seen somewhere else, whether you like it or not! UnSportsPost By ace sportshound Enzo Aquarius. In response to quite literally some demand, your ever-topical, finger-on-the-pulse UnSignpost brings you all the latest sports news that's unfit to print! NFL - Detroit Lions lost again bringing their record-breaking award-winning losing streak to 9, with their last notable points scored in the 2004 season. Lions followers are confident their team can break through once the team's brains are reverted back to Windows XP Basketball Edition. Big thumbs up and grins boys! NHL - Unlike their Lion brethren, the Detroit Red Wings are in the lead, as always. Then again, their conference is full of NHL expansion filler, so what can you expect? But hey, San Jose is up as well, so uh...yeah...good for them. Good for them. NBA - LA Lakers are up with no losses in their belt, but anybody east of LA doesn't care anyways. Uhhh....132 points scored by New York...good job guys. Football/Soccer - See, there are so many freaking teams and conferences that you just can't keep track of all of them. Then again, Japan beat Syria 3-1. Talk about a non-stop action high-scoring game! MLB - Training time, the high-gravity chamber has been set, Goku will be pitching. It's also time to bring in the young blood who will only play 1 game in the 2009 season.

Check out these pages! Who judges the judges who judge the, er, turkeys?. Through the fire and the flamewars?. {{tl|merge}}?. From our logs: 23:37, 17 November 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.122.136.234 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Blanking is bad. Even in New Zealand, or as we like to call it "Australia Lite") 23:32, 17 November 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.208.113.67 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Browser hijack links piss me off. When I'm pissed off, I ban dickheads. You are a dickhead.) 09:37, 17 November 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.19.184.109 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Those who can't do, critique. Poorly.) 04:13, 16 November 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 138.130.147.91 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ ( * 04:11, 16 November 2008 (hist) (diff) Santa Claus‎ (←Replaced page with 'FUCK OFF!') -- I know one kid who's getting coal this year...) Biopic of the Week What is it you look for in a 'crat? Is it diligent banstick wielding? Is it a list of featured articles as long as Spang's talk page? Is it having his own award, that he deigns to bestow on those he deems worthy? If it's any or all of these, Mhaille's yer man. If it's not, I dunno, try Olipro, or something. Cajek ban of the week 08:03, 16 November 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a big dick ‎ (<Sawblade5> RAHB take care of http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Special:BlockIP&ip=Cajek) "Writer of the Month" of the Week. Last heard from in any capacity on this site in January 2007, Imrealized was your WotM for September 2006, with an unheard-of-these-days 19 votes (and Severian liked him so much he voted for him twice). And with a triumvirate of articles like Paradise Lost, Smells Like Teen Spirit and Rorschach Inkblot Acid Test, (not to mention WWJJD?) it's easy to see why. Cabal news of the week There is no Cabal news of the week.

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MrN9001 20:40, 20 November 2008 (UTC)

Halp! - The article on kerala seems to have been huffed

This time around, it seems to have been a fairly complete article, and seems to have been deleted by a someone who seems to be a very patriotic keralite ( the comments , when translated, read " insulting kerala?, you .........(expletives)" http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=Kerala&action=edit I'm myself a keralite, and dont find anything seriously wrong with a little parody. I'm not sure how you un-Huff a page. having seen that you huffed it the last two times, i was hoping you could save it for once. thank you!

Hmm, looks like RAHB didn't notice the previous revisions. I've now restored it, haven't had time to read it through though. -- Hindleyite Converse

Muchas gracias!

UnSignpost: 27th November2008

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

November 27th • Issue 26 • The newspaper it's tough to swat flies with

Uncyc shall go to the Ball! The seasonal tang in the air, the anticipation on the faces of Uncyclopedians everywhere... it can only mean one thing: The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball is upon us again! The popular annual celebration of all that's good about bad taste is hoping to provoke a slew of skewed satire and give those foolhardy enough to volunteer as judges a colossal headache. And a good laugh, of course. To whet the appetite, let's take a look at some of the cream of last year's competition: A bunch of aristocrats fucking. Awesome vid Pacific War The Bureaucrats (Joke) Why?:Use a wooden condom Yup, standards are that high, or low, depending on your point of view, sense of humour, religion, shoe size and taste in hats. So jump to it! If you can make the judges laugh even as they vomit up their own entrails, you could be in with a chance of winning the glorious title "Aristocrat en Regalia", as well as the undying jealousy of the other entrants you so satisfyingly routed. Or you might lose. Asked for quotes, organiser RAHB quipped "I'll probably get on it sometime tonight, if not tomorrow", while official judging type Modusoperandi added "my memoires are riddled with mind expanding shit". {{username}} claims millionth victim Stalking the articles, forums and userpages of Uncyclopedia like some kind of bad metaphor with legs, the notorious {{username}} template has claimed its millionth victim. The individual in question (who shall not be named because this publication is trying to write an article about {{username}} without actually using {{username}}) was innocently browsing through Uncyclopedia's debating rooms, looking in at the progress of such worthwhile literary endeavours as the incrementation project and the attention span test, when the vengeful template struck! "It was there, in front of me, an accusation that I was teh gheyz", the hapless victim told us exclusively. "Such hard-hitting slander had to be addressed, and addressed immediately, so I clicked the edit button, and launched into a passionate and vitriolic defence of my unquestionable heterosexuality post-haste!" Ironically, it was the length of this diatribe that finally revealed the subterfuge. "It took me some time to compose a suitable riposte, listing at length my many dalliances with members of the opposite sex, my subscription to Playboy and my utter distaste for the movie Brokeback Mountain - in fact it took so long that I was logged out from my account" said the sap. "So when I hit the preview button to behold my comeback in all its savage majesty, what should catch my eye but the <insert name here> message that betrays {{username}} abuse? I felt so embarrassed, the only logical course of action I could take was to sell my story to a newspaper with a global readership - you did say you'd pay me for this, right?" Shortly after this point, the interview was discontinued due to a disagreement between interviewer and interviewee. Asked for a final quote, we were told "fuck {{username}}, and fuck you too!" - a comment that speaks volumes about the suffering this terrible template is capable of inflicting on the unwary. {{username}} was unavailable for comment, and remains at large, ready to strike again.

Check out these pages! Don't be a dick? How do you measure up? "{{Oh dear}}"? Oh dear! From our logs: 12:14, 26 November 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 118.101.59.19 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Excess stupid detected. Initialising idiot smiting mechanism) 18:21, 25 November 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 198.20.32.1 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You only sort of suck, now. Come back when your sucking ceases.) 00:13, 23 November 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of A power level over 9000 ‎ (Vandalizing Cajek's userpage. You should be ASHAMED. Also, Skull said this bantime actually works. Let's see!) Biopic of the Week Holy Cheese, it's Necropaxx! From humble beginnings (starting out as just another notch on Famine's banstick), cheery, Grim Reaper looky-likey Necropaxx has stalked his way through the site, creating quality features, a bunch of images, and a growing portfolio of helpful reviews. Just don't diss the cheese, OK? He worships the cheese. VFD kept article of the week Yam - c'mon folks, it's tuber humo(u)r. "A yam will totally kick your ass if you call it a sweet potato. I'm not kidding." Doesn't that just make you want to rush in there and give it the magic rewriting touch it needs? Unactioned image request of the week User:Sycamore/Mephistopheles - "I kind of want it to be a bit like Goethe's character Mephisto, but maybe with a "Sympathy for the Devil, Rolling Stones" quality - I'd really like something with the whole transformation from a poodle to the student bit or some of the character qualities here." for Sycamore. Anyone with photoshop feeling helpful? Cajek ban of the week 12:31, 24 November 2008 Sannse (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 17 minutes 21 seconds ‎ (What is this thing about blocking you anyway? And why aren't I in on it?)

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MrN9001 20:57, 27 November 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: 4th December 2008 (yea, we know it's late)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

December 4th • Issue 27 • Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

Sycamore: How does he do it? An UnSignpost Special Investigation Sycamore. What words waft gently into the back garden of your mind when you hear that word? "Tree", perhaps, or "unusual, propeller-style seeds", if you're of a naturalistic bent. Maybe (although we admit it is highly unlikely), the words "song by really obscure Scottish rock band Deckard" will sneak in under the fence. But for those of an Uncyclopedia nature (and let's face it, that should include all those reading this, or the paperbot's malfunctioning again), the words are likely to include: "Scottish"; "omnipresent"; "recent changes fiend"; "reviewer extraordinaire"; "categories"; "ban patrol"; or possibly "who?" if you're out of the loop. But who is this masked Celt? Well, since changing identity from MMACKNIGHT‎ in March 2008, he's racked up an impressive 18,000 edits (or he will have by the time this paper is actually delivered - it's hanging at 17.940-odd at the time of typing). Many of these edits have been thanklessly categorising pages, voting for deletion, reverting and ban patrolling - the kind of soul-crushing work, in other words, that would sap the will to live of the average individual, but not our Syc. His efforts have not gone un-noticed. Indeed, he's been re-nommed for Uncuclopedian of the Month, even though he's already won the award. And despite the understandable reluctance of the non-existent cabal to swell their non-existent ranks, there is a small but significant groundswell of opinion gathering that this should be followed by the bestowing of a Banhammer on the cheery Caledonian. All of this is interesting, of course, and handily fills up column inches in this week's issue, but it doesn't answer the burning question: how does he do it? Once again spending no expense on uncovering the truth, your fearless UnSignpost has the answers, and they lie in his welcome message, and a gratuitous stereotype of his nationality. Yes, Jaffa Cakes and Irn Bru are the fuel of choice of this salutary Scot, and it would appear that the chemical reaction of these two volatile substances in his bloodstream creates an energy level easily the equivalent of at least a small-to-medium Hadron Collider. This is sufficient to cause in him a state not unequivalent to that Scientific Holy Grail, perpetual motion. So there you go kids: that's how he does it! Warning: Your safety-conscious UnSignpost would like to point out that Irn Bru is only known to have this beneficial effect on Scots. Those from less tartan countries would be advised to steer well clear - don't try this at home, kids! From the Cabal's desk Greeting citizens. This post does not exist. We are not addressing you from this paper. We do not exist. We do not sit in dark corners, smoking expensive cigars and smirk when we see you make mistakes. Mistakes on this site do not exist. We do not watch your every step with our ban hammers poised for actions. Mainly because your edits don't exist. We are not tired by your petty dramas and wonder when will you write some new classics. Simply because you do not exist. You are not reading this post. We will not meet again next week. This was not the cabal's weekly address to the citizenry. Keep the peace, obey the cabal. The cabal is your friend.

Check out these pages! TKF v BHOP: an acronymious battle The inevitable bandwagon A history lesson, and RAHB's penis again From our logs BUMPER SPECIAL: 07:24, 3 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.43.66.7 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (You've got to stop taking vacations like this. They get in the way of the valuable contributions you make to our site.) 00:40, 3 December 2008 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Fat hideous cunt (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Codeine why are you using socks to vandalize us) 18:25, 2 December 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.146.0.222 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (We love niggers. My best friend is a nigger. My wife is a nigger. And when I have a son, I hope he'll be a nigger rather than an IP) 19:57, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 204.184.39.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Regardless of what your girlfriends may have told you, orgasms are real) 18:18, 1 December 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Codeine (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a Country/Folk musician ‎ (When I see your name on my block log, I think of a song lyric by Townes van Zandt, if that means anything.) 18:03, 1 December 2008 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a penis ‎ (When I see your name in my watchlist, I think of penis. And that's not always a good thing.) 21:03, 30 November 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds ‎ (That's for editing a year old topic and making RAHB think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.) 20:37, 30 November 2008 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Sycamore (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds ‎ (That's for editing a year old topic and making me think there was actually something exciting happening. Bastard.) Biopic of the Week There's beautiful, there's downright gorgeous, and then, beyond even that, there's Prettiestpretty. Blessed with writing talent to rival her boundless good looks, she has edified us on the delights of the Queef, the significance of the Colossus of Barbie, and much more besides. Long may she lend her grace to Uncyc! Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week Tact: Writing? Have you ever thought about getting a real job? Main Page

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

MrN9001 19:01, 5 December 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost: 11th December

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

December 11th • Issue 28 • The truth, the whole truth, and nothing

Colin breaks #uncyclopedia By SysRq At approximately 7:01 EST, Colin "All your base" Heaney officially fucked everything up yet again. IRC was engaged in what started out as a naturally occurring, all-caps LOL train. However, being the little faggot that he is, Colin decided to join in, effectively making it not funny anymore. This reporter, being an expert witness in cases of dipshittery, quickly came to the conclusion that "Colin makes everything suck." However, Uncyclopedia's resident shitstain did not stop there. He proceeded to incite bizarre and violent urges within members of IRC, causing them to commit unspeakable acts. This reporter, under Colin's influence, killed both of his parents; deadpidgeon and MrN9000 both became homosexuals as a result. Colin himself was then found to have been responsible for every case of unpleasantness throughout history: the Holocaust, 9/11, and abortion. As other users unknowingly joined the channel-turned-warzone, they too fell victim to Colin's faggotry. Users were eventually transforming into furries and fucking each other with "furry Disney dicks" just before this reporter relocated to a safer distance. Needless to say, there is now sufficient evidence that everything stupid and gay and unfunny is, in fact, Colin's fault. Chicks, man. By Regret Tenenbaum Hot Chicks. Just the words start your heart racing and your mumble mumble. Hot chicks have long failed to receive the ample, under-wire support they deserve here on Uncyc, and if it were not for one, soft-drink based, visionary noob, the femmes fatales of Uncyc would still be a saggy, wrinkly mess. Now all the babes, sexy ladies, foxy chicks, MILFs, and, yes, even magical anime girls, rest in the palm of your hand, throbbing with their new-found intellectual networking - WikiProject Hot Chicks. When asked how the aforementioned n00b came up with such a brilliant idea, he responded: "I don't know what UnSignpost is, my motivation for starting U[N]:WP Hot Chicks was because I thought it was rather humorous, I would like to be adopted, and in Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to YOU !!" (Doctapeppaman was promptly given a stern spanking for such irresponsible use of memes). The project has already succeeded in tagging several sexy talk-pages with the WikiProject Hot Chicks seal, thereby rating them on a random and baseless scale from A- to D-Cup, and the project will most likely be a success, considering the high ratio of users to perverts present on the site. Perhaps, one day, the project will achieve its primary goal - making every article without enough pictures of scantily-clad women into an article about cheesecake.

Check out these pages! Have yourself a neurotic little Christmas Will anyone notice another template around here? Lawyers struggling for work in global recession From our logs: 02:14, 10 December 2008 Flammable (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.142.37.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Hi. Welcome to Uncyc. I'm glad you enjoyed your stay here. We did too.) 13:16, 8 December 2008 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 208.43.6.211 (Talk) with an expiry time of 15 years ‎ (congratulations! You'll be back when OJ is out of prison. Let me know he gets a parole before that) Codeine (Talk | contribs) huffed "Wild sweaty orgies" (If anyone's gonna write an article about these it'll be me. I've done the research.) Biopic of the Week Far more than just a definite article, THE is a veritable cornerstone of the site, spoken of in hushed tones wherever people gather together to discuss prolific authors with ALLCAPS usernames only three letters in length. From computer expertise and nature documentaries to frankly ludicrous amounts of UnNews, THE covers all bases. And he won the WotM at the twenty-ninth time of asking in January 2008. Vital Question of the Week If we put blatant space filler in this box, will anyone notice? Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week Week Box of the week - by far the most classic Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week, "Week Box of the week", was featured in the very first edition of the Unsignpost, and for some reason that only the classic writers of the most classic Classic "...of the Week" Box of the Week know, Week Box of the week spoke not of boxes, as you weak-minded simpletons might believe, but of something higher - Dr. Skullthumper or Cajek's "humor juice".

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MrN9001 21:04, 11 December 2008 (UTC)

A FESTIVUS FOR THE RESTOFUS!

	Happy Festivus, from The Led Balloon and Jerry Stiller. Put up your Festivus Pole, air your grievances, and prepare for the feats of strength, for festivus cannot continue until I am pinned! Oh, and merry Christmas if you're into that sort of thing.
	It's a Festivus miracle!

- P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 20:38, Dec 21

During this season...

Yeah Happy/Merry whatever you believe/ride off to get presents from us at the Church of Assholes Who Make Fun of Churches of Assholes. Also something about pickles or bananas. Yeah bananas. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent 14:00, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Here's Your Christmas Tree

----Pleb- Sawblade5 ^{( yell | FAQ | I did this )} 09:39, 25 December 2008 (UTC)

UnSignpost 1st January 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

January 1st, 2009 • Issue 29 • The first newspaper to wish you a Happy Christmas 2009!

The UnSignpost starts 2009 as it ended 2008: Late The UnSignpost, the wiki newspaper with the highest staff turnover on the interwebs, has made a promising start to 2009, by being late with the first issue of the year. Gentleman editor UU said "I could say the issue was ready on time, but it was tricky to find a paperbot, but we at the Signpost have never hid behind excuses. Oh no, wait, we do that all the time. I couldn't be bothered to hunt hard enough to find a paperbot. Sorry. Still, it's not like the readers expect better, is it?" Several readers were probably available for comment, but we didn't ask them anything and blatantly made one up: "it wouldn't be the UnSignpost if it arrived on time", Orian57 might have said, if we'd asked him. The Patronising New Year EditorialTM If you follow a sensible calendar, and not a Chinese, Jewish, Muslim, Celtic or whatever one, a New Year has just dawned, bringing with it the faintest vestiges of hope. Hope that things may just be different this time. Hope that we may keep a resolution for longer than a week. Hope that we will achieve all those targets our hearts desire. Hope that mankind may finally rise above the pettiness of squabbling between families, religions and nations, and unite in a glorious surge towards a bright, common future. From this we can infer that Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption didn't have a clue what he was on about - hope is a ridiculous thing, and should be crushed as soon as possible. However, there is still the possibility, however remote, that something good might happen. Active users might start writing more good articles again. VFH might start to flow like it used to. Old users may return, invigorated, to bestow upon us fresh fruits of their imaginations. New users may arrive to take up the baton, and stride boldly forward, blessing us with a wealth of new articles that inject fresh purpose and impetus to the site. Don't look like that - it might happen. Well, monkeys might also fly out of your butt. Depends if teleportation technology ever becomes viable, widely available, and small enough to secure in such a narrow location. Face it, we haven't a clue what this year holds for us yet, folks, all we can do is try and make it the best we can by writing more articles, and helping new users out, and see where we go from there. This is your UnSignpost, patronising the fuck out of you. Happy New Year! Kevin Rudd says Uncyclopedia is the worst By Joe9320 Recently, Kevin Rudd said that Uncyclopedia is the worst. In his statement when he was at his speech in Beijing, China, he said "Uncyclopedia is the worst. They put up articles of disgust, nonsense and rudeness. Fuck Uncyclopedia! It's just a plain ripoff of Wikipedia" Then he went on to say how Uncyclopedia is bad. He also said "Illogicopedia is nonsensical, but much better than Uncyclopedia. Even Wikipedia doesn't have anything disgusting on it, despite articles about rude words". As the people of Uncyclopedia, we totally disagree on Mr Rudd's comments on Uncyclopedia. People should realise that this great website is not a ripoff of Wikipedia. Hail Cthulhu!

Check out these pages! Something about us being the worst, maybe? Possessive pride The "bring back Gert" bandwagon starts here Upstanding songwriting competition From our logs: 14:04, 26 December 2008 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.59.56.100 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (For doing something to a page on Phil Collins. You have terrible taste.) 12:56, 25 December 2008 Manticore (Talk | contribs) blocked YourFriend (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (If I shove a Christmas tree up your ass, does that make you an angel?) 21:23, 18 December 2008 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.182.114.238 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Your edits are bad on a scale I haven't seen in quite some time. You'd be the chosen one if the goal of this wiki was to make shitty stubs about your friends.) Biopic of the Week Proudly the worst since 2005, Uncyclopedia is the place all subscribers to this newspaper will have edited at least once. That means you are directly responsible for its worstness. We hope you feel suitably chastened. Year of the week 2008. As far as years went, it was OK - there were days in it, things happened and whatnot. People joined, people left, people returned, people lurked, people vandalised, and drama was never far away. But it's probably the best year we've had for at least 8 months. Year that hasn't happened yet of the week. 2022. We just get a good feeling about it. It'll probably suck now. Exhortation to vote on stuff of the week We at the UnSignpost know how much you all love voting, so what better treat than the bumper crop of New Year voting pages? Top 10 of Dec, WotY, UotY, PotY, WotM, UotM, PotM, RotM, VFH, VFD... How much fun can you have in one month?

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MrN9001 00:56, 3 January 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 8th January 09

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

January 8th, 2009 • Issue 30 • Suckling the Milk of News from the Teat of Truth

Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live By SysRq Recently, hundreds dozens some Uncyclopedians have joined the ranks of thousands of pizza-faced proud high school graduates and pre-pubescent twelve year old boys in the dysfunctional, loosely connected network of gamers known as Xbox Live. Among these traitors to Uncyclopedia were Orian57, a friend of the UnSignpost and frequently featured writer. Other Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live include The Woodburninator, Mhaille, Bonner, and Heerenveen. How could such successful Uncyclopedians go so wrong? I went undercover as "Pope Gustav" to expose these turncoats and find out why they abandoned the site in such numbers. The following is an actual transcript between me (under the alias "Pope Gustav") and Orian57 (under the alias "Orian57") on Xbox Live. Pope Gustav: Hey buddy, it's SysRq from Uncyclopedia. Orian57: Hello. You want to play some Horde? Pope Gustav: Yeah, man. We're playing on Gridlock, right? Orian57: Actually, Security is a much easier map for Horde. Pope Gustav: Cool. This is stunning evidence that Orian57, along with others, is leaving the site for the glamorous life of Xbox Live. When confronted with this transcript and these accusations, Orian replied that "I was just on Uncyclopedia today. I was just bored and wanted something else to do." Oddly enough, all of the other Uncyclopedians that have Xbox Live accounts that I spoke to also claimed to have "lives" outside of Uncyclopedia, lives that mainly consist of playing Halo 3. Article gets +21 votes on VFH By Mnbvcxz. Only a few days after going back to featuring "Today's Featured Article" for only one day, instead of the previous two, the article, The defense rests, your honor received 21 "for" votes and no "against" after a mere 3 days on VFH. The article, nominated on VFH by SysRq, and written by noted admin Modusoperandi, is the first article surpass +20 votes in a long while on VFH. Upon hearing of his accomplishment, Modus is heard to have said, "I'd like to thank all of the little people that I crushed to get where I am," and, "Can I wear my Kernel Popcorn costume?" SysRq, the article nominator is quoted as saying, "I was the one who nommed that article; I deserve some recognition." For those of you are new around here, VFH is the process by which uncyclopedia nominates articles for "Today's Featured Article", the article in the top left corner on the mainpage. All users of uncyclopedia, including anonymous ip users are encouraged to vote on VFH and nominate articles on VFH. VFH can be found here, but typing in VFH in the search box, by clicking the "Votes for Highlight" link under the community links on the right (it's second from the bottom between "Pee Review" and "Votes for Pictures"), and Uncyclopedia:VFH, in addition to several other redirects. Many users have expressed approval of this accomplishment, as the more votes an article gets, the better an article is. Therefore, by voting on an article, one injects more quality into an article, in the same way that manufacturers "inspect" quality back into a finished part. Additionally, the admins will not longer be forced to torture various cute animals to inspire users to vote in VFH: provided VFH doesn't stall out again.

Check out these pages! Serious Bitchin' Business Women farting on baked goods... Who was that guy? From our logs: 14:30, 7 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.249.151.205 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (hi hi poop? That's the best you can do?) 22:38, 6 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.201.148.112 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (People who don't learn need to get extra lessons via their anus. Well, I'm here to give extra lessons. Bend over mister!) 15:22, 4 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 79.175.81.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (1nd, I have 2 dads, and 2th, just because I am the product of dirty, dirty incest, and also a fuckface, that is no reason to blank my talkpage. Fuckface.) Biopic of the Week Whatever else you say about Mordillo, you can't say he's idle. Except in real life, because he's spending all his time on his computer, banning asshats, deleting crap, making stuff happen, writing quality articles, and sorting shit out. Of course, as he's a Zionist, it's all part of a wider conspiracy to control our very thoughts, but that's probably a small price to pay for such an efficient admin. Old School Featured Article of the Week I'm a dick. A private dick. That's like a private dancer but with a gun and dances cost extra. That's how we do it in the detective game. It's a game like Clue, but without the cards or the board. Just the dice. And they always come up snake eyes. The name is Gwendolyne. Last name's not important. All you need to know is my friends call me Gwendolyne. My friends are bourbon and ice and I haven't spoken to ice in years. Translated Uncyclopedia Article of the Week Drill Sergeant in Mexican. ¡UN INSTRUCTOR DE ENTRENAMIENTO ES LO QUE CARAJOS SOY! ¡DESDE AHORA NADA VENDRÁ DE ESA INMUNDA COLADERA LLENA DE CACA QUE USTED LLAMA BOCA! ¡SÓLO RESPONDERÁ CON 'SÍ SEÑOR' O 'NO SEÑOR'! ¿¡ENTIENDE RECLUTA!? Read the original. The welcome(?) return of Cajek ban of the week 09:46, 7 January 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Cajek, you have no idea how wasted I am. 15 shots of gin and somehow I'm still awake. And blocking you. Fuck yes.)

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MrN9001 15:54, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 15th January

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

January 15, 2009 • Issue 31 • Making the New York Times look like Mad Magazine (or is that the other way round?)

From The Desk of the Cabal: Incest and sex change are now bannable offenses From the desk of the cabal. Embedded with the last person who came looking for the cabal Following the sex change operations of citizen (now citizeness) Yettie, and several suspicious sexual activities in the Uncyclopedia compound, the Cabal hereby decrees the following: Sex changes are only allowed if the citizen wishes to become a voluptuous female. Any other operations are banned (particularly those who wish to become males, or just more manly looking, in order to improve their chances of scoring with various Uncyclopedians of either gender). Any sexual activities with family members is strictly prohibited. Exceptions are: members of the AAN family members, who can shag aunts and granddaughters as much as they'd like. Sex tax is now in affect. All sex acts taking place in Uncyclopedia are taxable. Taxes should be paid to Olipro no more than 24 hours after the act has taken place. Acceptable currencies are: Euros, Dollars, Pounds, Young Boys and Camels. Thank you citizens, this message was not delivered by the Cabal which does not exist. Behave nice, vote on VFH and obey the Cabal. The Cabal is your friend. Or it would be. If it existed. Pee Revuu? In a surprise move, Boomer, former dictator in absentia of PEEING, the group for opinionated users who enjoy nothing more than giving a good Pee Review, has announced his official retirement. His last official act was to appoint Under user, noted reviewer and maintainer of the Pee Review committee page, to his old position of Captain Catheter. Some regular pee reviewers are worried; Orian57 was heard to say "If UU is going to do Boomer's job, then who the hell are we going to get to do UU's old job of keeping track of pee reviews, judging the quality of pee reviews, and actually getting around to doing the occasional pee review? Don't look at me, I'm gay." UU himself dismissed such fears, pointing out that he's got nothing better to do with his time than arbitrarily judge the quality of other people's opinions anyway, and adding "I'm relieved to be taking up this position as it will drastically reduce the number of reviews I'm expected to do. Also, I'm thinking of introducing a policy of stripping Orian57, and only him, of his RotM award, his rank, his mittens and his right to drink hot chocolate ever again unless he does a bloody review some time soon". However, some users are still not convinced this is a good idea, or even possible. One, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I seriously doubt that UU can do Boomer's job and his own at the same time. I mean, how can he be accused of being a lazy arse if he has almost twice as many good pee reviews as anyone else and does 75% of the pee review maintenance tasks? This ruins the running pee review committee in-joke about Captain Catheter not doing anything. There is no way this can work."

Check out these pages! Rcmurphy of the Year Mooses pops back for some bandwagon action The reason for 4pedia From our logs: 08:25, 13 January 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Tardman (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (I love being a cunt, it makes my hair glow) 23:58, 12 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 218.186.12.218 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Replacing a page with 'Hey uncyclopedians, edit this please' is basically the same thing as replacing it with 'Hey uncyclopedia admins, ban me please.' Talk pages are your friend. Blanking is not.) 01:06, 12 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.135.165.198 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Hey! I remember you! You evaded that ban that one time, remember? Good times, man, good times.) 15:17, 10 January 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked Modus Operandi (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 months ‎ (1 month for being an ass, the other for that stupid username.) Biopic of the Week It's hard to define the singular entity known as Modusoperandi in mere words. He's like Uncyclopedia's wandering troubadour of amusing non-sequiturs: roaming the land in search of discussions worthy of his absurdist input, sitting by the campfire of the conversation, treating those assembled to another whimsical one-liner, and then heading off toward another exchange where his presence is required. Kinda like the Littlest Hobo, but with jokes. And lots of awards, featured articles, admin powers and suchlike. VFD Delete vote of the week Delete How many half-baked, stale jokes can we fit on one page? More importantly, how can something be stale and yet only half-baked? by Syndrome on Awesomeness. Transatlantic jaunt of the week After many months in the hands of that most malevolent of dictators, the United States date format, the New Year allowed our stand-up English editor to put the UnSignpost printing presses on a 747 to what this journalist considers the correct British format! Rejoice! (Note: What you paid for this paper may or may not have gone on the presses' ticket. We don't know. It may also have gone on that booze over there.)

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MrN9001 21:25, 15 January 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 22 + 7 (+1) January

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

January 22 + 7, 2009 • Issue 32 • Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

Zionists consolidate wiki power By The rather nervous junior horoscope writer accidentally promoted to editor in chief Yeah the st-story is, erm, about Mr Mor-Mordillo’s erm asce-ascent—rise to new power. He was, eh, pr-promoted to erm, Be-Beu- Bureaucrat? Which, erm, me-means he can- can now do- do th-things he cou-couldn’t d-d-do b-before; Kind-kind of like m-my pro-pro-promotion. Heh-heh, th-that was a j-jo-joke. S-some Un-Uncyclope-Uncyclopedians th-think this p-p-proves s-s-s-something abou-about so-some s-sort of J-Je-Jewish, erm, conspiracy. Or-or something, I-I’m n-not really sh-sh-sure why that was meant to be funny. Pro-pro-probably was-was-wasn’t. So-sorry. Th-the decision ca-came about b-b-because of th-the fuh-fuh-forum voting process in-in-initiated b-by Under—Under user wh-who was u-u-upset tha-that Bureaucrat C-C-Codeine had decided to leave. After s-some ti-time voting it-it was d-d-decided that Mordillo w-w-would become a Bureaucrat and that C-C-C-Codeine wasn’t leaving a-a-after all! Which was g-g-good. M-M-Mordillo di-didn’t ma-make a c-c-comment s-so I-I’ve b-been told t-to make one u-up. Erm, “Ha ha ha! N-Now you-you’re all un-under my thumb!” Or something, that that wasn’t really f-funny ei-either. Sorry, M-Mordillo, it-it’s not my W-words! Image:Do a jailbait.jpg Determined to be a Shemale By Mnbvcxz and Orian57 To the relief of Uncyclopedians everywhere, notorious image "Do a jailbait" has been scientifically proven not be a girl. Originally, many suspected that the disturbing and disturbingly attractive image was that of young girl: age estimates ranging from jail bait age down to "pedo-bear approves" age. However, due to much "research" on the internet regarding the appearance shemales who are just over the age of consent, it has been determined that said image was in fact a young shemale. Researchers said the hairy arms and the huge penis of the lady in question proved without reasonable doubt that the image can not be that of a girl. Many in the Uncyclopedia community were relived by the news. Orian57 in particular who stated the child was “quite sexy.”, on the image talk page, was relieved to find he could no longer be considered bisexual. Some worry about the continuing freedom of Sockpuppet of an unregistered user after his comment: “I don't care. Me wanna rape!”

Check out these pages! Think of the Grues, won't someone please think of the Grues? Looks like the cool and sexy admins IP is back under another different name then Virtually nothing From our logs: 19:48, 22 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Jeus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (And the Lord said, "Let there be bannination," and there was bannination, and one more asshat was kept off of the wiki, and the Lord looked and he saw that it was good.) 03:30, 19 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.27.241.181 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Blanking talk pages is annoying. Your inability to take a joke is even more annoying. The fact that you haven't yet been banned for either is the most annoying of all. I can fix one of those.) 02:47, 19 January 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked CANIHASTHISPLEEZ (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Looks like somebody needs to get a life. This nice little ban will keep Uncyclopedia from getting in the way of that.) Biopic of the Week To some, a meaningless jumble of letters, Mnbvcxz is much, much more than that. In fact, he's much, much more than you could possibly imagine. In fact, he's so much more that trying to explain it in a small box in a wiki newspaper is futile, particularly if you spend so much time explaining that you can't explain his awesomeness that you leave yourself little space to try. Still, he reviews, categorises, helps out and does stuff. But that's only the tip of the iceberg that is Mnbvcxz! Reason why the UnSignpost is a week late of the fortnight The editor was busy, and totally lacked inspiration. Want to make sure the paper is on time next week? Give us a story in the press room! Cajek ban of the fortnight 05:21, 19 January 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a spanking ‎ (20 bans in August, 9 in September, 10 in October, Just 2 in December and 2 in January. Disgraceful.)

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MrN9001 02:24, 31 January 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 5th February 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

February 5, 2009 • Issue 33 • It's Journalism Jim, but not as we know it.

The ‘of the Year’ run down of the year! By Orian57 So after a long neurotic month of blatant prostitution, secret e-mail canvassing, bribery and coercion in deciding who should win the various ‘of the Year’ awards (plus a completely normal five days of knowing who did) the results are in! UotY: Mordillo! Nominated (but not voted for) by UU with the reason “[he does] the big bad wolf stuff to keep fuckwits at bay.”. 21 Jew jokes later (“Jew that controls the internet”, “I feel I have to vote for him” and “I love this man. To the point that his girlfriend is seriously distraught by it”) Mordillo was the landslide victor a whole 12 votes ahead of the runner up, UU! And he deserved it too (though to be frank I deserved it more)! Our WotY was Modusoperandi! Narrowly beating Mhaille by 2 votes he was nominated by UU with the reasoning “…Tends to brighten my day whenever I see him, although that could be the light reflecting off his gleaming naked body.” Another 19 Canadian jokes ( “this silly Canadian”, “I never would have thought that casting a vote would be so painful as this” and “Modus is like maple syrup. On the outside he's all golden, sweet and sticky. On the inside however, he's all golden, sweet and sticky”) won him the award! (though to be frank I would have appreciated it more!) Next up was our winner of PotY, Prettiestpretty! She was nominated (but not voted for) by Mhaille because she is the “producer of some very impressive work” and has won the PotM twice! 18 girl jokes later (“such a foregone conclusion”, “She's earned this and then some” and “Unlike most people here, I'm actually going to give a reason for voting for PP. I'm even going to write two sentences explaining the reason.”) she deservedly won the award which she herself designed. (I don’t even know how to use MS paint but I’d still like to have been acknowledged). There was also an impromptu N00b of the Year award created that Rcmurphy ran off with. He was nominated by Spang with the reason “He really deserves it this time” and received 12 N00b jks (“How can you be a year old and still be a noob without being rcmurphy”, “He's still confused too” and “[Hyperbole is] regularly here and dangerously competent. Rc remains the quintessential n00b”). (*grumble* I started lurking in 2007…) Lastly and leastly there was the UGotY which was awarded to Wikia. Nominated by Mhaille with the reason “Wikia continue to raise the bar on defining what it means to be a Useless Gobshite”. He/she/it got 5 jokes that I don’t properly understand (“As much as I'd like to see Yettie take this, Wikia is both more useless and far more of a gobshite”, “it's rare to see such dedication to gobshitery” and “Outstanding contributions to fail.”). (Ok so I’m not bitter about loosing this.)

Check out these pages! Penis Pants Er, fox? From our logs: 1:33, 2 February 2009 Flyingfeline (Talk | contribs) blocked 81.169.166.86 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Oh, brilliant. Well, that's going to be fun for both of us. I wonder who'll get bored first?) 04:39, 31 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 72.138.52.153 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Hey there! Remember me? I was the admin that asked you to stop failing so hard back in October. Now I'm asking again, but with a ban length 12 times longer.) 18:16, 29 January 2009 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Sej (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ ("And He saw the work, and He was sore displeased; and He did smite the n00b with all his wrath". Book of Codeine, ch. 6, vs 9) Biopic of the Week YesTimeToEdit Commonly known as Yettie, he won N00b of the Month back in April 08 after writing a featured UnNews. He went on a crusade to gave us all more things not to care about than we can handle. Following another feature he deservedly won UGotM. There has also been some recent confusion about his gender. Cajek ban of the week 04:48, 31 January 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 28 minutes ‎ (Apparently the UnSignpost has a 'Cajek ban of the week' section. This is my week!) Custom box #3 This box is empty. Imagine something nice here like a Caribbean holiday, getting sand in your shoes and arse crack while being blistered by sun you weren't made to handle and pretending to enjoy yourself.

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9001(bot)  03:08, Feb 5

Logo(s)

Hey Hindleyite, I hope we have your approval to change the UnBooks (and other) logo(s) in accordance to the present Wikimedia counterparts, there is a forum topic going on about it right now. -Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 15:01, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 12th February 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

February 12, 2009 • Issue 34 • Mainlining news direct to your talk page artery

Worrying influx of n00bs a threat to Uncyc's "worst" status By UU How can you resist my n00b power of cuteness? After the flow of n00bs slowed to a trickle at the tail end of 2008, 2009 has seen the site experiencing a veritable tidal wave of new editors, enthusiastically bounding around the site like wide-eyed puppies that have yet to meet Olipro, tramping mud into the carpet, and leaving half-eaten IPs on the floor of the Village Dump. Worse still, many of these new arrivals show early signs of being dangerously competent: writing funny articles; giving in-depth pee reviews; voting on stuff; helping folks out - generally making the kind of contributions that could, if the community is not careful, lead to the site losing its coveted "worst" status. Experienced editors queued up to condemn the invasion - "Very happy to see the influx in good new editors coming in, we've been devoid of that extra boost for far too long it seems" said RAHB, the bile seething from his every pore, while MrN spoke scathingly about "great additions to Uncyc". But is it too late? With competition for the NOTM award at its most fierce for months (4 noms and none of them Rcmurphy at the last count), it looks like it may be too late to reject this transfusion of new blood. Is there any hope for the long-term future of the proud traditions of the wiki under this relentless onslaught of new talent? A comment on Bullshit from MrN As a well known protagonist of the noble and honourable art of bullshitting I felt it my place to speak out regarding this most tricky of issues. Much has been said of late regarding the consistency, and texture of what we at Uncyc consider to be suitable for our beloved wiki. As you know, normal traditional (un-specified) crap we don't want, but there must always be room for more bullshit on Uncyclopedia. Some will no doubt consider my last comment to be horse shit, which (as you may know) has a slightly thicker consistency. The dilemma we must then face is how do we categorise and specify the fine (if rather smelly) line between what is crap and what is bullshit. The study of bull-crap may also been of concern to some readers, but I feel it not my place to enter that arena. This article stinks enough as it is. However... When considering bullshit, I feel it important to point out our rigorously defined guidelines regarding the use of bollocks as I feel many of the important principles apply. If I may quote: “Sometimes articles arrive at Articles for deletion which have only the most tenuous connection to reality: they are, to use a British term, Complete Bollocks. This is not always a bad thing.” ~ Uncyclopedia:Complete Bollocks I think that speaks for itself. Got it? So basically, we want more bullshit, some horse shit, and a liberal helping of complete bollocks. But NO CRAP. Unless it's crap which adds to the general stench of the article in question (assuming that stinking is what we want). Got it now? Well, look at it this way... There was a man who had three wives. No, that was Moses. Oh, so Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and says: "Well, lads. I got him down to ten, but adultery is still in." No wait. Sorry, that was complete bollocks. I'm drifting into the realms of pointless excrement, and what does this have to do with anything? Don't tell them that! So what was it I was talking about again? Oh, yea... Does anyone know where I left my slippers?

Check out these pages! Apparently, we had a "golden era" Only the Lonely Oh, it's nothing to do with marriage. I'm disappointed Random suggestion If we weren't on the internets, I'd say this was getting geeky From our logs: 13:25, 9 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.71.123.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (1 day for blanking, 1 week for blanking a featured, 2 weeks for blanking a top 10 and the rest is a bonus!) 02:46, 8 February 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 97.83.236.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fer the love of Christ, you make me think I actually have a life. You've been doing the same God damn thing since the summer. Just fuck off already.) 16:41, 7 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Luvvy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a purrr ‎ (And that's for flirting with another admin. Shame on you.) Biopic of the Week DrStrange is one of these here stellar n00bs that we're wittering on about in that there main article. He's been here for a bit over 2 months, and in that time has won NotM and already been nommed for WotM. At this rate, he'll be WotY by about June. Good job he's funny and good at writing things really, otherwise we'd be obliged to hate his precocious guts. Gender confirmation of the Week YesTimeToEdit astonished the Uncyclopedia community by admitting to being male. Orian57 continued in whale raping Yettie. SysRq consequently "won teh penis", granting him this most prized life-time achievement award. In the ensuing chaos, Sockpuppet of an unregistered user cut off Yettie's penis and went on a raping spree with it. Mnbvcxz still believed that Yettie was a girl and the latter declared his love and desire to be raped towards the former. SoaUU AKA Sockie admitted having a vagina, or did (s)he?... Mnbvcxz refused to give his/her gender... Will Yettie get his penis back? Who is pretending to be male and who is pretending to be female? Tune in next week! Same penis-time. Same penis-channel. Cajek ban smackdown of the week 02:53, 10 February 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a voyage made in less than twelve parsecs ‎ (You want a ban-off, RAHB!? BRING IT!) 00:46, 7 February 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a Kessel run ‎ (I shall not allow TheLedBalloon to dethrone my weekly Cajek-banning title!)

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9001(bot)  20:40, Feb 11

UnSignpost 19th February2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

February 19, 2009 • Issue 35 • Sifting the flour of news into the soufflé of your talk page

Uncyclopedia shuns ads in favor of product placement By Gerrycheevers Uncyclopedia admins today announced that there would most definitely never be advertisements placed in the hallowed halls of yon humor wiki. However, it seems in order to rake in the cash that would have resulted from these ads, similar to raking in the flavor from KFC's new Turkey-Flavored ChickenTM, we will instead be treated to subtle product placement in every facet of Uncyclopedia. The driving force behind this decision is undoubtedly greed. The driving force behind the new Ford ExplorerTM is Jack Bauer. Catch 24 this Sunday on FOX! Jack Bauer drives a Ford! When asked for Uncyclopedia's official political stance on the matter, sysop TheLedBalloon said, "You can't fool me Jimmy Carter! I voted for Gerald Ford in the last election and I'm DAMN PROUD OF IT! You can't intimidate me with your 'pretending to be the newspaper reporter but actually being Jimmy Carter in disguise who will then detain me for several months of waterboarding hell' routine--fool me once, shame on you; fool my twice, shame on me...", which only added more fuel to the fire of speculation surrounding this occurence. For the best value fuel, visit Egan's SunocoTM. The mood in the Uncyclopedia break room was sombre today. Several users expressed their concern about not having ads placed on the wiki. "What? No ads? But how will we make money?" asked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. It seems the secret of product placement has been kept under wraps by the non-existant Cabal. For the best quality cling-wrap, choose Crestfield Wax PaperTM. When asked for the reason behind the secrecy, TheLedBalloon further elaborated on his earlier statement, saying, "FORD WAS RIGHT TO PARDON NIXON, DAMMIT! So take your goddamn liberal hippy goddamn elitist goddamn tax-raisings somewhere else!" Readers are reminded that Williams BrandTM is the preferred brand of hippy elitist tax-raisings by a 2-to-1 margin. Please stay tuned to the UnSignpost for further updates on the ad situation, the product placement situation, and how really, really terrible all of our articles are going to look with trademark tags mucking up the line spacing. Sonic Fever Hits Uncyclopedia By Joe9320 For the first time in 18 years - in fact, since the first Sonic game came to the USA in 1991 - Sonic Fever has again spread far and wide, and the age of Sonic is back! (Among several users on Uncyclopedia, at least). The first Golden Age of Sonic ran from 1993-1998. By 2001, Sonic was way past his prime, grumbling about how he "used to be a contender" and trying to hock his large collection of gold rings and emeralds for beer money. People no longer cared about Sonic. Then in 2008, a surge in Sonic Mania started again, but this time on the internet! It reached Uncyclopedia in 2009. Uncyclopedia Experts have determined that the mania will be short lived, and be replaced by Mario Fever, and then a resurgence in Pokémon Fever all within the next 3 years. Meanwhile, Twilight mania among teenage girls will continue to outstrip it. Enzo Aquarius declined to comment, for he was too busy for an interview. The UnSignpost imagines he'd probably have said something about Rouge The Bat being "hawt".

Check out these pages! Suffering voting withdrawal? This'll keep you happy for ages! So, do we collaborate... ...Or colonize? Decisions, decisions From our logs: 21:29, 15 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Thebigj2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (1. blanker. 2. I live 10 minutes from Anna Frank's house, ergo - you're trashing my neighbourhood) 17:55, 15 February 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Flyingwombatperson (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (If Britain no longer exists, why can I still buy British Breakfast tea? HUH? ANSWER ME THAT, SMART GUY! (also don't blank pages, please)) 13:21, 13 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Gettgett (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Do I know you? No. Do I know your butt ugly friends? No. Do I CARE about you and your friends? NO. Do I think you are all bored and butt ugly. YES. Get the point? Get some good looking friends) Biopic of the Week What do you look for in an amphibian? Long hind legs, a short body, webbed digits (fingers or toes), protruding eyes and the absence of a tail? Or a large banstick, supercool admin powers, awesome writing skills, gratuitous profanity and minor homicidal tendencies? If you chose the first option, you need a regular frog. If you chose the second, you need TKF. (Just don't call him TFK). If you chose the third option, you aren't playing properly. The continuing saga of Cajek block of the week 15:09, Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Can you believe I haven't blocked you yet in 2009? Yeah, I know!) 07:40, Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 hours (Thou shalt not be Cajek, though I suppose thou must, so I shall cut thou some slack) 17:50, 15 February 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 11 minutes ‎ ([edit/QuickEdit] Cajek (Talk • Contribs (del) • Editcount • BLOCK (rem-lst-all) • Logs • Groups • Checkuser) -- how Cajek on VFS looks to the sysops) 21:30, 11 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1000 seconds ‎ (Right you two - sod off, the chap had enough!) 21:06, 11 February 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 672 seconds ‎ (Oh that just fuckin' tears it Led. You hear me?! That fucking TEARS it! It's ON!)

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9001(bot)  18:01, Feb 19

Oh goody! For Pete's sake, I reeeeally ought to archive my talkpage. -- Hindleyite Converse 22:08, 22 February 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 26th February 09

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

February 26, 2009 • Issue 36 • Picking the poppy seeds of truth from the teeth of the news

Imperial Coloni(s|z)ation For Glorification of Motherwiki By Gerrycheevers Imperial Colonization made yet another triumphant return this week, after several months of languishing, inactivity, and Richard Nixon. Upon a general query from an annoying masked UnSignpost writer, another anonymous user stepped up and took control. That anonymous user is SysRq. Forums were created, ideas were exchanged, and the Cajek search party was sent out again. Only the last one was in vain, as an all-new Colonisation page was rolled out last week. Uncyclopedians wasted no time in signing up and nominating their first target: the utter garbage pile that was Al Gore. Previously containing banal tripe such as Manbearpig references, internet invention claims, lockbox bollocks, and other assorted drivel, the article is now, according to an official Colonization spokesman, "well on its way to not sucking." Future Colonisations have been lined up as well, leading this reporter to believe that this time around, Colonization is here to stay, even moreso that Manforman or the Poison Pee template. It looks as if the article on Jews is next on the Colonisation docket, since all articles relating to that topic are "utter bilge, consumed with hateful pointlessness and also secretly controlled by Jews." British Infiltration of Non-Existent Cabal Continues at VFS by UU Talking of organisations secretly controlled by Jews, the non-existent Uncyclopedia Cabal was expanded ahead of schedule to the tune of two brand new British admins at the weekend. The early opping was due to two factors, firstly, an unprecedented landslide, with two candidates polling so many votes that the final round was rendered an irrelevance, and secondly, new 'crat Mordillo being impatient to use his whizzy new powers to op the new admins before Codeine or Mhaille beat him to it. The most votes were polled by MrN9000, and your USP can't think of a more deserving recipient of a shiny new banstick. He's already thrown himself into his new role with gusto, banning, deleting, featuring and the like with gusto, and proudly declaring "I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing", thus showing he has as much grasp of the role already as any other admin. The numbers were made up by fellow limey Under user, who has been keen to get started using his whizzy new powers, but has been limited to mainly joke bans so far by MrN's astounding competence and annoying habit of doing all the work. UU was unavailable for comment (which is odd, seeing as he's writing this), but his wife had this to say: "you bastards! Do you have any idea what you've done? I'll be lucky to see him for more than about half an hour a week now!" She wasn't joking.

Check out these pages! Is this something to do with us being the worst? I want candy No pain, no gain From our logs new admins bumper special: 05:09, 24 February 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.207.115.132 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Blocking you for a day because I feel like it (and also because you blanked California)) 19:44, 21 February 2009 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a slightly torn pair of pants ‎ (Happy adminship, fucker <3) 16:40, 21 February 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a brand new pair of admin pants ‎ (let's see, who to ban first... Cajek? Too obvious. Mordillo? See last comment. MrN? Yeah! Oh, and about damn time you got this - how come they gave it to me too?) 10:58, 21 February 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) ‎ (his first ban is the crat who gave him powers. my sort of chap) 10:54, 21 February 2009 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Rogue Admin) 10:15, 21 February 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.184.94.78 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Ne habla gibberish) Biopic of the Week Sockpuppetry is normally frowned on here at Uncyclopedia, with bans routinely handed out to those who transgress. There are no exceptions. The exception, of course, is Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, a sock who seems to have its head sewn on the right way, or at least drawn on with permanent marker in the right way. He makes his presence felt by fighting vandalism wherever it rears its ugly head, and generally making himself helpful around the wiki. A helpful sockpuppet? Got to be one of the signs of an impending apocalypse! Explanation of the week This week, there will be no Cajek ban of the week. This is because Manticore decided to ban him in the hope of making it into your UnSignpost, and we're not gonna give that big ol' whore the satisfaction. You hear me, Manty? YOU'RE NEVER GETTING IN THIS... Oh shit.

Judges Wanted! The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Hv is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now! UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  11:18, Feb 26

UnSignpost 5th March 09

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

March 5, 2009 • Issue 37 • The News, Smelted to 93% Purity!

New parser causes havoc by requiring Uncyclopedians to get things right by UU The latest Mediawiki update imposed on Uncyclopedia by its despotic overlords, Wikia, has had a catastrophic effect. The new parser, described by UnSignpost technical expert Gerrycheevers as "little gnomes in your browser that run between HTML tags to produce the proper effect in between" has thrown the formatting of quite literally some Uncyclopedia pages completely out of kilter. Resident tame Wikia staffer Sannse tried to explain: "bad HTML is the most likely cause of errors. But there are some other changes that might cause errors. For example, the way that some complex parser tags work has changed. The best thing to do is to look for HTML problems first (not forgetting that the errors are often in templates used on the page). Then, if you can't find it, hassle anyone you know who knows HTML and wikimarkup better than you (nah, not going to link some poor guy). Then, if you can't find it, hassle me to find help (Uberfuzzy is on standby to assist where needed). Again I'd suggest that the template author should be the person who knows how to make it work!" Most Uncyclopedians had already gone cross-eyed by this point, but she gamely continued: "Don't forget that you can use Special:ParserDiffTest as a help in finding exactly what's different on a page. A lot of the changes don't mean anything. For example, on this page the only differences are to class and section titles. But this one shows problems with center and div tags (the last two green sections on the div)". Your USP offers the following, less confusing advice: if you open any kind of tag in html like <this>, you have to close it again, like </this> before the end of your page. And if you open more then one tag, be sure to close them in the right order <like><this></this></like>. Then shit should not get fucked up. The gnomes were unavailable for comment. February '... of the Month' Awards Hoedown by Gerrycheevers Well, February is over, and that means it's time to look back at the shortest month of the year and make fun of people who won awards during that month, for they have only won 90.32% as much recognition as those who won the award during a robust 31-day month. Let's get started with... DrStrange, our newest Writer of the Month, fresh off his NotM victory in December, is a welcome addition to our close, close family of editors who have never had any physical contact with each other. Since joining, the good doctor has written several featured articles, and is well on his way to another. He has enjoyed perhaps the quickest transition ever from NotM to WotM, but don't expect us to go looking things up to confirm that. February's Uncyclopedian of the Month was our lovable Wikia dictator, Sannse. Donning her staff hat and Wikia mystic power staff, Sannse always manages to be polite and cheery, even when sending vandal IPs to their doom, tacking notices to the corkboard in the Uncyc break room that incite site-wide user rebellion, and crushing the earlier mentioned site-wide user rebellions. Our N00b of the Month was a chap by the name of Guildensternenstein, which we have come to believe is some sort of undead monster from a Shakespeare play. His impressive work in his short time here, along with his other helpful contributions such as dropping by Pee Review and Imperial Colonisation from time to time, should quiet up those doomsayers who say "we don't have any good n00bs anymore" for quite some time.

Check out these pages! Masturbating Monkey Hang on, someone really tried it? {{username}} strikes again again From our logs: 09:02, 5 March 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.160.35.16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (thanks for your thoughtful and insightful additions, and your considerate removing of content, you win a free day off! (don't blank)) 13:36, 3 March 2009 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a torah, two bagels and a large blue yamulke ‎ (Unblocked too early. I suspect a Jewish conspiracy!) 19:28, 2 March 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked MTTB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (possibly one day people will start reading messages I leave for them on the talk page. YOU. DO. NOT. REVERT. ME. WITHOUT. TALKING. WITH. ME.) 06:44, 2 March 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 67.225.120.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (And I'm going to rape you if you don't shut up. *takes his first ever swig of Jack Daniels, throws up*) Biopic of the Week Optimuschris ~ "Having been around for a while now, Opty deserves some recognition," said the newest UnSignpost intern, pictured at the right. He went on in his monotonous, metallic voice: "He has a featured article and another in the works. He contributes to bettering the site via Pee Review and Imperial Colonization." We were going to agree with the robot-ish fellow, but when we turned back, he was gone. But there was a refrigerator there we hadn't noticed before... Old-School Featured Article of the Week The Keep Your Finger In The Box Game has been a smash hit among the rainy-day crowd since its introduction to America in 1954. Despite the title of the game, the object is to not take your finger out of the box before your opponent does. The article contains a rich history of the game, as well as a detailed strategy list involving cats, seduction, and urine-filled projectiles. Cajek ban of the week None. Seriously, it hasn't happened. Not banning Cajek is the new banning Cajek. New poopsmith of the week RabbiTechno has taken up his new position as co-processor of shit on the wiki alongside some scrote whose name escapes us briefly - perhaps because he hinted he wanted a story about himself in this edition. The good Rabbi has so far been diligently watching his sidekick do all the donkey work, while conducting the far harder task of making sure it has all been done properly. He exclusively didn't tell the Signpost: "yup, looks good enough to me".

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9001(bot)  13:48, Mar 6