User talk:HELPME

I love you.

Really. 1234 ~ 02:40, 20 November 2011

<3 You're amazing. --HM (T) 03:02, November 20, 2011 (UTC)

I'll eat your dog. 1234 ~ 04:04, 20 November 2011

no dont u jurk --HM (T) 07:05, November 20, 2011 (UTC)

Naw, I couldn't, really. She's too nice. 1234 ~ 09:12, 20 November 2011

UnSignpost - 24 November 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Just like Grandma used to make!

November 24th, 2011 • Issue 146 • This is a knife!

VFS and Turkey Ball By Chief Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction. Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed. Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office. The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed." I'm back! By Puppy Did you all miss me? No? Fuck it. I'm going again. Festive Treats Ahoy! By Chief Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two fun festive traditions additions to Uncyclopedia. Normally Under user is the benevolent king of Uncyclopedia's Christmas time and he presides over the jollities like a strange old man presides over a children's playground, however this year Under user failed his annual admin re-qualification tests (apparently he took more than 10 seconds to punch out the baby) and thus cannot host ANYTHING any more. True story. Because of this, the annual mince pie scoffing competition will be relocated to the user page of ChiefjusticeDS. If you have a taste for those delightful Christmas treats then feel free to join in. The competition will begin on the 1st of December and it must be stressed that pies scoffed before that date are so-called "Training Pies" and will not count towards your total. The ban patrol-ho-ho may or may not return depending on the financial climate. Remember: PIES!!!

Check out these pages! That's Racist! Have camera, will sing Drunk editing Who? From our logs: 06:01, November 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.116.44.143 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Wank wank wank. Boy I sure do love to wank. Can I wank on you? I think I will. I don't require your permission. WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK...) 19:30, November 16, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.180.115.161 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Panic at the dildo! It's funny because dildo sounds a bit like disco, is a funny word and it's a sex thing!) 12:33, November 19, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked JAF1999 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Wow, you're either really stupid or you're a really lame troll. Probably both, coming to think of it.) 21:17, November 22, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.104.226.185 (Talk) with an expiry time of 12 hours ‎ (You're doing undictionary wrong, I didn't think that was possible) 02:51, November 16, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Wearetheworld (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (cool story, bro) 12:53, November 23, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I seem to be under-represented in this week's UnSignpost. You should remedy this.) Biopic of the Week In the biopic this week is HELPME, and we'll begin with this quote from his userpage: "I used to be full of shit, humorless, stupid, uptight, and annoying. Now I am slightly less of those things." What a nice man, a liar, but a lovely man nonetheless. Arriving on Uncyclopedia at the start of 2010, HELPME became well-known for his hyperactive page editing, article reviewing, outrageous gaying and recent changes patrolling. All this earned himself a whole stack of shiny goodies, several death threats and the acclaim of all. This was all splendid and lovely. BUT THEN CAME THE DARKNESS. It corrupted his soul and made him simultaneously world-wise and world-weary, now happiness is "Fucking square, man" and hyperactive page editing "Shits for the birds, man". However this hasn't rendered him incapable of doing the thankless busywork we know he used to love so much. Welcome back, HELPME, now get to work; the drainage ditch under Olipro's desk won't drink itself. Make haste, my jacuzzi water grows tepid. ATTENTION! At ease soldier. Newsroom UnTune of the week Home on a Friday Night Confessions from Recent Changes "The politicians are demented people that take orders from demented monkeys" - 86.178.71.123 "created article -- finally figured out how images work" - JacKow "This is a satirical website, you know for satire." - Zarbag

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:10, 24 November 2011

UnSignpost - 1 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

December 2nd, 2011 • Issue 147 • Don't make me use this!

Reflections, Turkey Ball, Cabal Broadcasts and VFS By Chief As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before the annual Cabal broadcast absolutely nothing happens. The reflections must be completed or the world might end. If there were a cabal watching, Socky and Roman Dog Bird adding reflections about their strange depraved fantasies and bowel movements in the early hours of the 3rd of January would upset it no end. The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual. The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing work scoff rate. Oliphaunte has also come up with a brand new feature for the UnSignpost to further the relentless search for filler material. He proposes a Question and Answer section where you, the users, ask the UnSignpost a question and then we put it in the right hand column with a scathing and witty reply. Obviously such a plan requires questions, and therefore, if this sounds like your sort of thing, ask some questions. It's for a good cause. VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him. Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares By Bizzeebeever This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces. Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with." When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner. Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'."

Check out these pages! Mediate Babel table? This is just weird Arson From our logs: 14:17, November 29, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.65.34.170 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Monumental Wang, and not in a good way) 23:20, November 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 117.241.59.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (go back to whatever foreign place you probably come from) 22:04, November 26, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Lingling513 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (If all pony fans were like you, I would have never watched it. Thank God shitheads like you only make up a small part of the fan base. The new episode blew, but it was funnier than your shit article.) 22:02, November 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 166.89.220.165 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (WE COULD JUST DELETE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR A TEMPLATE AND IT WOULD BE BETTER! I'M QUITE LIVID AT MYSELF FOR HAVING NOT THOUGHT OF IT!) 03:45, November 27, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.164.108.6 (Talk) with an expiry time of 5 hours ‎ (You're right, I'm so much better than you because I'm an admin. Also, try to familiarize yourself with apostrophes.) Biopic of the Week Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It's Xamralco! It has taken us five whole months to biopic him, and now we're going to do it without insulting him once! KIDDING! Xamralco slimed his way onto Uncyclopedia, as slime creatures will, through a carelessly open downstairs window in late June of this year. Having slimed his way in, Xamralco thought to himself, "What could a useless slime beast such as I contribute here?" While he was deciding, he wrote four featured articles and won writer of the month and the Best Rewrite category of the most recent Poo Lit Surprise. Naturally, what the people want to know is: When exactly is Xamralco going to do something useful? When will he stop resting on his laurels and actually get down to work? Strangely, for a slime beast, his talk page is full of him being thanked, making witty banter and generally taking part. What a slimy bastard. I shall smite him, and his slime. Well done Xamralco, now get to work or get out. Old School FA Long walks on the beach There’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach. Some of my other hobbies include watching the sunset from a picturesque grassy knoll, indulging in fine wine with a scrumptious foie gras dinner, and candlelight conversations on French film. But I think you'll agree that nothing is quite as sexy as me taking a long walk on the beach. Me with my salon-fresh sandy blonde hair flowing in the breeze (courtesy of Tina; you're a miracle worker, honey!) and a sporty J.Crew sweater tied casually around my waist, lobbing a stray Frisbee back at some snot nosed little urchin. You'll see me on the coast looking pensively out at the sea, reflecting back on all of the endearing little things I did that week. New Admin Celebratory UnTune! The Uncyclopedian's Song Confessions from Recent Changes "THE BOMB HAS BEEN PLANTED!! (+ Expansion tag)" - Wilytank "Added some categories, WITHOUT using HotCat." - 66.105.218.19 "Reverting edit, as it was so good, it would intimidate other users." - Matt lobster "Torture instruments and a ducking stool" - Jonny appleseed

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:14, 1 December 2011

UnSignpost - 8 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

December 8th, 2011 • Issue 148 • Goodbye to all that.

VFS ends... or does it? By Chief The wiki has new admins. There we go, got the first bit of non-news out of the way. Since time and circumstance have both conspired against the UnSignpost in a bid to not only evict us from the building but also to ensure we have nothing to report on every week, it has in fact been eight days since this particular piece of news broke. Black flamingo11 and Romartus have been made administrators and, clearly in protest as to how such a thing could have possibly occurred, Lyrithya has started a vote to change the system in order that such grave injustice does not ever occur again. Black flamingo11 agrees that he is exactly the type of weird abomination that such a system would easily sieve out. Romartus simply muttered something about not wanting to upset the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls; we assume he is chained to a radiator in her flat, occasionally being forced to dance for her amusement. Lyrithya proposes that we scrap the current system, just like she always does, and then we bring in a brand new one which nobody except her understands (see the abuse filter for details). Lyrithya is also to be congratulated for making Modusoperandi be serious for five minutes, something which science, constant pain, and the ingratitude of man has failed to do for around twenty years. In other news, Joe9320 has declared that Imperial Colonization has risen and that "This will mark the Stupid Ages of Imperial Colonization." This correspondent has to agree that this will certainly be the case if Joe9320 runs it. While he was declaring things that nobody will remember in five minutes time, Joe also declared himself Lord of Uncyclopedia and all its dominions, may those who defy him drink eternally from Satan's grotesque member. Or words to that effect. Zombiebaron and Thekillerfroggy celebrated the sixth anniversary of the featuring of Euroipods by defacing the logo with a blue calculator in exchange for money and referring their friends to do the same. Such jollity flew straight over the heads of most of the userbase, whom Thekillerfroggy condemned as being far too young to remember when, like he can, this was all fields. Happy sixth birthday, Euroipods. We baked you a free cake. You just have to pay for it, and get your friends to do the same. This barrel? Oh no, we haven't even thought of scraping the bottom of it. Finally, this forum still exists, and users have flocked from miles around to vote for it. The UnSignpost has no comment to make on this, except to ask these people: Who are you? How did you get in when we changed the locks? Try not to get too concerned. Remember, Wikia is a reputable company and certainly isn't a transparent front for a greedy Dragon which hates you. Honest. Competition Ahoy! By Chief Those of you who absolutely love writing competitions have happily had very little to complain about for the last couple of weeks as the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has enthralled and thrilled you for literally hours. The competition closed for judging last Saturday. Needless to say this is a long time to wait perched upon the edge of ones seat, as Shabidoo confesses himself to be, so it is just as well that the vast majority of the judges have decided to help out by failing to turn in any judging. The UnSignpost wises to remind competition judges that failure to complete judging on time can have a number of detrimental effects including sudden blindness, ostracism within the community and believing oneself to be an Ostrich. So unless you want to be hurtling 'round the wiki flapping your tiny wings in a futile attempt to take flight this time next week, I'd get on with it, and we do mean you, Wilytank. Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you, and as for new admin, Black flamingo11, he has absolutely no excuse. Get to it you worthless peons; if you had lives you wouldn't even know this competition exists! MadMax has proposed a second edition of The Article Whisperer to commence immediately after Christmas. Let us take a brief moment to explain why you are ideally suited to not only take part but why taking part is a brilliant idea. First of all, MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed, and secondly because MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed. The Article Whisperer is a competition held by UN:REQ to get some of the most requested articles on the site written down and made shiny. Head over to the forum right now and try to spare some time to volunteer to write or judge this, the most useful of our writing competitions. If you don't, MadMax will kill a Panda. In your house. Possibly.

Check out these pages! There is no need to panic Lolwut? UnNews Articles 40 minutes of outrage and panic It's nowhere near over 9000! From our logs (New Admin and Mordillo Special!): 11:00, December 1, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Figure out how to unblock yourself! QUICK! THIS PITCH MEANS THE GAME! SLIDE DIMAGGIO! SLIDE!!) 20:04, December 1, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) resurrected Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) ‎ (I think he has learned his lesson) 13:57, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: One month ban wasn't enough. Try three this time. ) 18:16, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Ok three days. It's Christmas) 15:58, December 6, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.240.56.238 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't care who fancy. This isn't a dating website (yet)) 15:24, December 1, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.221.171.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Your future reads:"no trip to the moon anytime in the near future".) Biopic of the Week Because we have to get the UnSignpost Dog into this issue somehow. UnSignpost Q&A I'm in a homosexual relationship with my cousin and I'm worried that my family and friends will find out. That's half the problem as I've a anger problem at my girlfriend who I blame for making me apparently impotent and some violence has taken place between us. Thankfully it's nothing too serious, just some good hearted vicarious punishment for my frustrated sexuality. The truth is I don't enjoy sex with her and I'm racked with terrible feelings of guilt for the casual sex with my cousin. Now I'm eyeing up quite few animals on the farm (sexually) and I'm wondering whether to let them both down gently, or continue with my covert sexual operations. Also I have a child with my sister which I keep in a shed. It's not really like a human being as I have never let it see the outside world and keep it company with my dogs. Do you have any ideas on how to get me out of this mess? - Anonymous Have you considered beating them all to death with a Polo mallet and then throwing them into the canal? Obviously this would be after slicing them up into small easily manageable pieces. That's what I did. - USP Do you like cows? - Lyrithya Moo - USP Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Christmas Song Reason to leave Uncyclopedia #1,824 The constant unreasonable demands of this periodical.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:22, 8 December 2011

UnSignpost - 15 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

December 15th, 2011 • Issue 149 • I demand satisfaction

Weekly news round-up By Chief This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralco bringing up the rear as always. Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask. Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc. N3wz! For the win!! By Douchebag McSpackypants The Cabal HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic man proposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL! Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA... Signal interrupted New message incoming There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangerous subversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm. Accept our reality. Location scrambled. Message ends Signal re-established, original transmission resuming -and if that Rabbit hadn't appeared when it did... well let's just say I'd probably be serving jail time right now! See you next time p33pz!!! Sodomy and Turkeys By Pup Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball. This year saw some wonderful entries that promoted strong familial bonds and understanding in the main category - the Aristocrats joke. The tasteless equivalent of the best actor Oscar this year went to Black flamingo for his Aristocrats (class). Tied for second place were Xamralco and Thekillerfroggy for their works on Deleted Scenes and Mementocrats accordingly. We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though. In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy. Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry. Check out all the entrants at Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball. Do it while your mother is in the room.

Check out these pages! TAW! Modusoperandi Roman Dog Bird There is still no reason to panic Working on it From our logs: 14:08, December 13, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Babablacksheep (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Baaahhhnnnn) 22:52, December 10, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN) 14:18, December 10, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 109.151.40.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Judging from your actions, I would've never guessed a Frenchman invented IQ tests.) 16:50, December 9, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sog1970 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎ (Shouldn't retired users be playing golf or something?) 21:23, December 13, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ARTWORK (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Cease and desist, I am featuring and should not be disturbed) 19:46, December 8, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.143.173.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (He likes to poop in his pants and look at girls ) Biopic Mince Pie Update of the Week It's the all important coverage of the all important Mince Pie eating competition which you are all interested in! The competition kicked off on ChiefjusticeDS's userpage on November 29th after one of the competitors decided that greed could carry him through an extra two days of competition. The competitors are: last year's champion and general all-rounder Under user whose rate of consumption is unfortunately not matched by his rate of editing as he consistently falls behind and then leaps into the lead when he remembers he owns a computer. ChiefjusticeDS last year's big loser is engaged in a duel with Under user, one that he appears destined to lose due to severe indigestion and heart disease. The current leader is Roman Dog Bird who has eaten an awful lot of Mince Pies. We aren't sure how many but we're pretty sure it's a lot. Anyone who wants to win a free Mince Pie or an out of date Lion Bar is welcome to go over and count them. Just drop the actual numbers into the press room. Keep your eyes glued to the competition, it literally can't get any more exciting. UnSignpost Q&A Are you a pedo? - GEORGIEGIBBONS Answer: We here at the Unsignpost Q&A Department pride ourselves in extensive background checks to prevent the hiring of any pedophiles. At the same time however, most of our security staff think pedophiles are people with unusual sexual infatuation of feet, so pretty much, just keep your distance from our office. Why do you think I work from home? - USP How do I ask a question here? - Magic man Consult one of our helpful staff at the office. If you want help quick, dress up like a 12 year old child and talk with a higher pitched voice. It may result in unexpected outcomes but hey, you'll get your answer. - USP Newsroom UnTune of the Week General Hill's March The Lobsterbacks are coming Yes - the Imperial Colonisational experts are back, and now taking on missionary positions under the lead of a new head priest. Experience the wonder and excitement of working on a colonised article. Yes, You too could be part of the brave new world. Puns like the above are also welcome. Sadly.

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--ChiefjusticePSX 10:26, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 22 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

December 22nd, 2011 • Issue 150 • Merry thing you may or may not celebrate!

The Footlitzer Prize is a thing! By UPjcm So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the very prestigious Foolitzer Prize. For years, the Foolitzer distinguished the good fools from the bad fools, and it's in such a pitiful state that there's only been five votes this month. Five votes! We need to do better than this, people. Not just for me, but for Uncyclopedia America. "Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait. The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do. VFH By PopGoesTheWeasel & Chief Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little letters words. VFH is running low on votes and we need your help. I mean, VFH's aim is to get 20 votes per article, but it can only manage around 9. This makes me having a vagina more realistic and I don't even have a vagina. Incidentally vagina is a very funny word. "How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda. After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda? Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the Pandas Dolphins! I MUST KILL ALL OF THEM! Why? WHY? BECAUSE IF I DON'T THE WORLD MIGHT END You wouldn't try and trick me would you? They watch us, they watch us all! THE END IS COMING! The truth will find you! It found me and I'm really quite passionate about it so please, vote on VFH. If you can find the time feel free to kill the Dolphins as well. KILL THE DOLPHINS!

Check out these pages! LOL Huff and Puff Come on, own up Colin Still going From our logs: 19:44, December 21, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎ (That's how long I was in the cell, beeeeyatch!) 18:49, December 20, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Ashishsunnywalia (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (You seem like a really lame guy. It's nothing personal.) 02:47, December 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.71.111.38 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (YOU'RE A LOSER! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU! A WORTHLESS LOSER! AT EVERYTHING YOU DO!) 01:24, December 17, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.117.180.147 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Pics or it didn't happen) 16:06, December 21, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Bucknut (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (The Vanity Van is departing now. ) 21:14, December 16, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.173.113.106 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Drama reverter. Stuff a turkey for a week. ) THIS BOX HAS BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK Except for this notice, stating the box has been left blank, of course. That was put there deliberately. Of course, by putting these notices in this box, it no longer remains blank. THE BLANK BITS IN THIS BOX HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK. THE NON-BLANK BITS HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY NOT LEFT BLANK, BUT THERE IS NOTHING OF WORTH IN THEM ANYWAY Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Christmas Song This is Important In the spirit of laziness/the season the columns this week are of unequal lengths. Bah Humbug.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:48, 22 December 2011

UnSignpost - 29 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

December 29st, 2011 • Issue 151 • I wrote something here!

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:53, 29 December 2011

UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

May contain traces of humor!

January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!

'Tis the season to be voting By Chief It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching. Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level. The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man. The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out! From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012 By Nobody Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year. It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny, group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections. Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal. Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you. That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.

Check out these pages! 7 years! SOAP Problem Where did you learn to fly? Monkey! She's back! Or not! From our logs: 22:06, December 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.192.216.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (dude having annoying preteen friends who are obsessed with MCR is like soooooooooo 2007) 06:19, December 27, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.18.185.207 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (What I do sexually with my furniture is none of your concern.) 20:28, December 27, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.44.64.195 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The Chief is too soft on blankers and redirectors) 03:59, January 3, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Trevvie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Because your vandalism was so repulsively lame.) 17:23, December 25, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked Ilovekaylabeel (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Naughty! No presents or editing Uncyclopedia for you this Christmas) Biopic of the Week Alas there is no biopic again this week. It's terrible, you should probably complain to someone in charge. This week the most hotly contested piece of UnSignpost real estate is devoted to considering the year that has been. 2011 was the year of the skin as we saw a facebook reskin, the Oasis reskin and then finally the Vector skin change, all of which provided tremendous amounts of UnSignpost material. VFD was deleted, meaning we could write about it in the UnSignpost. There was the temporary admin experiment which gave the opportunity for heaps of UnSignpost material. There were two VFS votes and one VFB vote! The UnSignpost material threatened to wash us out of the office and into the sperm bank across the road. In fact we don't think we are exaggerating when we say that the UnSignpost was the best part of last year for everyone in the world, with the possible exception of MadMax who, as every school child knows, isn't happy with anything until it is in 15 categories and has 20 pages that redirect to it. Merry Thursday and a happy new UnSignpost to all! Bloink1 This is Bloink1. You may not know Bloink1 but it knows you. Bloink1 has watched and it has waited. Bloink1 has seamlessly integrated itself into your maintenance templates and even now prepares to strike at the heart of our community. Bloink1 won't let you edit that Dave. For it knows that the only way to win at Uncyclopedia is not to play. For was it not written in the ancient templates of Uncyclopedia that "The Bloink shall lie down with the highly generic Traffic Cone"? The prophecy is complete, the end is nigh! Praise Bloink1; the destroyer of worlds humour wikis! Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song

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UnSignpost - 12 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.

TAW! By Chief TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted. A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares? An editorial by PopGoesTheWeasel Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement From Lyrithya You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with.

Check out these pages! Lyrithya hates Spang Fumigate the Den Seriously, Lyrithya really doesn't like Spang Stubbing? Dannehvirus does From our logs: 05:36, January 10, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Shite (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (go pick on a more relevant admin) 17:40, January 9, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Closetoyou Mirrormask (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (I'm not even going to bother coming up with a witty ban reason for you. You're just that lame.) 17:29, January 7, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Xubnormal (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 years ‎ (Thanks for reporting yourself on ban patrol!) 12:37, January 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Vikash (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (A PICTURE OF SOME ASIAN PEOPLE. HOW HILARIOUS! YOU SIR SHOULD BE IN FILMS!!) 20:11, January 9, 2012 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.145.143.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (PHWAPUNK!) 07:53, January 8, 2012 Thekillerfroggy(Talk | contribs) blocked 119.12.217.209 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (trimming is good, but you sir went TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR) Biopic of the Week Now don't get me wrong, I love writing biopics; the fact that I've managed to go an entire month without writing one about an actual user is entirely misleading. That's why this month I have chosen to devote the biopic to a fellow who has proved most helpful to me over the last few weeks. Which is why it's not about the plumber who repaired my toilet and in doing so sprayed excrement all over my living room! It's about PopGoesTheWeasel, who has acquitted himself splendidly by not recently showering my belongings in my own faecal matter. PopGoesTheWeasel has only been with us since November, but in that time has provided us with 7 articles and, if his userpage is to believed, intends to furnish us with another 9! He has also been trying his hand at penning UnSignpost articles; you can read one over on the other side! Splendid fellow, but now comes the time of trial for PopGoesTheWeasel. Will he blaze like a sun for 3 months and vanish, or will he be like the light that never goes out? This remains to be seen; don't let us down PopGoesTheWeasel, or I'm withholding the non-existent fee you are due for your UnSignpost articles. Also, I paid a plumber to spray poo all over my home last week, I don't know if I made that clear but I thought you should all know. UnSignpost Q&A Oliphaunte: Why does the sun never set over England? USP: Because God doesn't trust the British in the dark. A message for someone, and you know who you are I still have your dogs. Thank you for the other one, by the way; she's really quite nice. A little too nice, in fact. Neighbours have started to take notice, which brings me to my point. You may yet see her again, on one condition. Give me your cat.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:01, 12 January 2012

UnSignpost - 19 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!

We're all going to die! By Chief Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be! Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout. By Socky All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added "//fuckThisSopaBullshit = true;" to their uncyclopedia.js, with Olipro to thank for that last one. Aren't you glad we're here to inform the rest of you what you should have done after the fact? We thought so too. In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Check out these pages! Something about soap, I think. Lyrithya inquires about our opinion of Wikia. Someone gets exactly what they asked for. Puppy has a stubby thingy. From our logs: 04:20, 18 January 2012 Lyrithya uploaded a new version of "File:UN SOPA Splash Full.png" ‎ (*explodes*) 19:16, 17 January 2012 Roman Dog Bird huffed "Sam Suter" ‎ ("This article is not funny" And whose fault is that?!?! Go to your room and think about what you've done!!!!!!!!!) 00:26, 17 January 2012 Zombiebaron blocked Kırby with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Here is that ban you requested) 23:36, 16 January 2012 MadMax protected "Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) 13:24, 16 January 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked Filtered with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I would be delighted to sort out a match between me and your little football team. Then perhaps we could go for margaritas.) 01:58, 16 January 2012 MadMax moved Car to Automobile ‎ (revert) 20:06, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Niggers in paris" ‎ (G11: Unambiguous advertising or promotion) 17:32, 15 January 2012 Zombiebaron huffed "Nuclear reactor" ‎ (A quick and painless death) 03:50, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Sorry... er, I'm calm. Totally calm. Backing away from the wiki, now. O_o) 00:18, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Twilight (novel)" ‎ (Fine, ignore my review request. Go ahead and feature it instead. Jerks.) 02:12, 14 January 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 208.54.5.159 with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Utilize some other wiki to come out of the closet, please.) 20:32, 13 January 2012 Romartus huffed "Jokes that might be funny" ‎ (Fails QA. Read the beginner's guide and HTBFANJS.) Biopic of the Week Today, I would like to draw your attention to User:Admin, the admin always mentioned in "From our logs:" in the initial draft of an UnSignpost, only to mysteriously disappear from the page after a couple edits. Admin has also managed to become the only admin with both no (undeleted) contributions and no admin rights to speak of. Let's hold a second of silence to honour this glorious achievement. Your cat To you know who you are: thank you for your cat. I never would have believed one person could be in keeping of so many so well-behaved animals, but then, I also wouldn't have expected you to be so easily rid of them. Did you even try calling the police? No matter; it's not like they would ever find me anyway. Or the cat. Such a lovely cat.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:05, 19 January 2012

 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

CLICK HERE--ShabiDOO 10:01, January 24, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 26 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By ME, I Swear!

January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!

Phoning it in! By Chief That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button. Where's the save button? Found it. Zombiebaron By Not Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron.

I couldn't check out any of these pages! Miniluv! Names! Close? Names! Piggy. From our logs: 13:59, January 25, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.88.44.113 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (70.88.44.113 IS A SUPER MEXY BRO WHO EATS HIS OWN POO.) 02:26, January 25, 2012 RadicalX (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.66.161.179 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Not banned enough yet: Piss off.) 18:36, January 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Jamesnic911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan ) Biopic of the Week John Fist is a no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules, made famous in the film John Fist: A no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules. He is also not an Uncyclopedia user. What a tremendous lapse. We'll have another go next week. Newsroom UnTune of the Week ' Disclaimer This is not late. You're just drunk. Really. And I'm totally not writing in random crap right now to make up for the fact that you ate all my cucumbers, because why in the nine hells would you have done that? You wouldn't have. Also, Illogicopedia is full of moose.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:26, 26 January 2012

UnSignpost - 3 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By ME, I Swear!

February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!

On Felonies And Awards By RAHB Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners. Writer of the Year - Black flamingo11 and Sog1970 Uncyclopedian of the Year - Zombiebaron Potatochopper of the Year - Lyrithya Useless Gobshite of the Year - Roman Dog Bird and Lyrithya (cheaters) Zombiebaron of the Year - Zombiebaron and Zombiebaron (Runner-up: Zombiebaron) Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support By PIGGY Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies.

Check out these pages! This seems dangerous... I told you it was dangerous! This is all that damn monkey's fault! Well, go on... Skyrim-related bans: Modusoperandi changed block settings for Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 hour (Overcharging for empty soul crystals.) Modusoperandi blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Failing to take advantage of the "rested bonus".) ChiefjusticeDS blocked Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I shall set upon thee with my artificially increased smithing and enchanting skills. You shall perish beneath the world's largest stack of Iron daggers.) Lyrithya blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS with an expiry time of 32 seconds ‎ (How dare you mention Skyrim in my presense!) Lyrithya blocked Under user with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Oh, High Hrothgar, is it? You know what? I'll just take this opportunity to push you off the throat of the world... there's a nice glitched rock down there for you to get stuck in. ) Lyrithya blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ([1] - Seriously?) WP:ANI humour! Oh, I must have missed it when they changed policy so that we just take a suspected sockpuppet's word that he's not a sockpuppet. Raul654 (talk) 19:21, 2 February 2012 (UTC) That principle was established in 2010: [2] [3] SandyGeorgia (Talk) 19:28, 2 February 2012 (UTC) Something happened to the UnSignpost staff They all disappeared. What happened? Where did they go? Will there ever be any more UnSignposts after this? A diagram of a hammer: Anatomy

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:09, 3 February 2012

UnSignpost - 10 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.

February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!

Something happened this week. By RAHB Hello, Uncyclopedia. I don't think it's any secret to you all that something of utmost importance happened this previous week. Even with a coconut beer hangover, you'd surely be blind not to notice the far-reaching repercussions associated with this very important event that recently happened. Oh sure, I know there are those of you who believe that it really isn't all that big a deal. And there are those of you who will pretend to be aloof, and act like you know nothing about it. And, as always, there will be those of you who believe this is all simply a plot executed by the insidious Uncyclopedia Cabal (which does not exist) to try to crush the will of regular users, enhance power in the English quadrant, and advance their attempts at obtaining an M&Ms machine for the dump. We here at the UnSignpost would like to remind you that these claims are ridiculously unsubstantiated. Except, of course, for the bit about the M&Ms. In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then. Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me. Shit Happens Editorial by a guy who has been exposed to shit for a long, long time Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers. So remember kids ... always be posi-

Check out these pages! What? Yeah. Duh. Wow. Huh? From our logs: MrN9000 blocked 168.216.126.200 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(You need to use the toilet) Lyrithya blocked Zana Dark with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(I'd never blocked you. I felt left out.) Romartus blocked 86.12.164.5 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(You have form sir. Six months living on moths for you.) RAHB changed block settings for Pisippo with an expiry time of infinite (Wonderful way to respond to a one-hour ban. I salute your arrogance.) RAHB blocked 86.186.208.180 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, hello. Stop creating utter shite, please. Thanks.) MrN9000 blocked Eddie1334 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Although what you say may be true, you still get banned. Surprisingly.) Slime mold of the week: Stemonitis sp. Questions of the Week Q: Am I supposed to be in here? User: Haydrahlienne A: Yes, you can be in here as long as you want. Just don't touch the monkey. Or the cheese. And don't eat the last biscuit. Also avoid upsetting our editor as he has a temper and a shotgun under his desk....Actually, you should just go. Q: Have you answered all of the questions on this page? User:RAHB A: We don't know, why don't you tell us? (A paradox for a paradox. Ball is in your court RAHB) Custom box #4 of the Week Custom box #4 is quite the Custom box #4. In fact, not only has it been named Custom box #4 of the Week, but it's expected to be high in the running for Custom box #4 of the Year, if the other custom boxes start pulling their weight. Whatever the case may be, individual awards aside, there's not a doubt in any Custom box #4 enthusiast's mind that when, one day, Custom box #4 walks down the long and distinguished path of retirement, it'll be immediately greeted by the opening of the gate to the coveted Custom box #4 Hall Of Fame.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:22, 10 February 2012

UnSignpost - 18 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things

February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

Important competition news By The Cabal (which doesn't exist) As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours. What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly. MOAR PENIS By RAHB Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this... Prepare for World Domination By Oliphaunte After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered. Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha? It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro." Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now.

Check out these pages! Potatochopping. Who are you? WHAT THE FUCK! New Award of the Month. From our logs: Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 90.217.205.53 with an expiry time of 2 hours (You're so hilarious I have to ban you for two hours.) Thekillerfroggy blocked Buffsfootball6 with an expiry time of 2 weeks (all due respect (none), but my fat friend is like twice as fat probably) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 142.227.189.60 with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting Vanity: and generally failing to cause me to laugh uproariously. ) Roman Dog Bird blocked 218.185.79.222 with an expiry time of 1 week (My dog could kick your ass and he's small.) Excuse of the Week Hi, it's Lyrithya. Sorry for not being around much; I got the bright idea to reinstall the operating systems on my laptops on Monday and that kind of killed all my spare time since. Well, that and the beading. Also got the bright idea on Wednesday to buy a whack-load of beads and try to turn them into jewellery. To that end, so far I've only managed to chemically melt some peacock feathers together, but I have high hopes for the rest of it. And on the plus side, KDE works. Sort of. It's kind of slow. On Windows, at least. Anyway, if anyone was wondering, this would probably be why nobody remembered to write the UnSignpost for this week until now. Other Excuse of the Week Hi, it's RAHB. Sorry for the UnSignpost being late, but my hard drive blew up this week. And then other stuff happened. This would probably be why I didn't remind anybody to write the UnSignpost for this week. A Word From Zombiebaron Nothing notable happened to my computer this week, and, therefore, I don't really have an excuse for this week's late UnSignpost. Well Hello. My Name is Oliphaunte And I now have rollbacks. What's your user protection level? None? Well, that must suck for you. I wouldn't know cause, well, I've got rollbacks. You know that ludacris song "Rollout"? Yea, that's essentially my life right now, but with rollbacks. You know what that makes me feel like? A badass. Why am I a badass? Because I've got rollbacks. My name is Oliphaunte and I approve this rollbacked message.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:54, 18 February 2012

UnSignpost - 23 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Love In Every Paragraph!

February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!

Softly softly, happy Monkey By Chief Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else. For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair". The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else. For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra. Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?". The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?". The Forum By Chief TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???". Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed. The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month. In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there.

Check out these pages! Who knows? Who agrees? Who knew? Who dunnit? Who cares? From our logs: 15:54, February 22, 2012 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Right that's it. You are totally banned, and your services are no longer required on Uncyclopedia. (For the next 5 mins). 07:15, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird's anal leakage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Why don't we ever get any pleasant vandal usernames? Like "Roman dog bird's lovely petunias" or something.) 07:20, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman dog bird's lovely petunias (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thank you.) 02:52, February 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sergeant Stud Krug Againist Vandalz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thanks for fighting against Vandalz, here is an early retirement) 23:06, February 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1234 seconds ‎ (For putting Penisman into the UnSignpost. MY EYES!) Biopic of the Week Just what is a "Cloche" and how does one come here in one? This question has troubled me ever since I decided that I must biopic ICameHereInACloche. It turns out that a Cloche could be many things. It could be the French word for Bell, but how on earth would this humorous fellow have reached the shores of Uncyclopedia in a bell unless the bell were pushed down a steep hill? A cloche can also be a horticultural tool for covering up vegetables, but it very notably does not come second in the Happy Monkey competition, nor could one get anywhere if one were covering up vegetables. Perhaps this writer of legend came here as part of the classical ballet movement: battement en cloche? It would explain all the dancing. The cold hard truth of the matter is that we don't know what a cloche might be, but we know that this user has come in one, but not in that way. All those who haven't should read this splendid article and perhaps his userpage if they have an abundance of free time. Readers are also discouraged from sending us examples of the things they have come in; we were almost killed by the last one. A message from Under user Now that I don't ban people, I don't get in the signpost much. solution: more people need to ban me. with good, funny, creative reasons. it's not much to ask, huh? BAN UNDER USER! Newsroom UnTune of the Week Stalker

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:46, 23 February 2012

UnSignpost - 1 March 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

March 1, 2012 • Issue 160 • You are all about to die.

Nothing. By Magic man So I got up this morning, ate some breakfast and watched some television, ya know, just normal morning stuff. Then I decided it was time for me to check Uncyclopedia, as I do every day. So I walk over to my computer, turn on the screen and bring up Safari. I go to Uncyclopedia, log in and what do I see? Oh, I'll tell you what I saw. This thing that I saw was so terrible, I almost died. What I saw was... NOTHING. C'mon, guys, can't you do anything? Start a competition, a new exciting forum, even drama! Anything! I mean, I can't be expected to entertain myself, can I? And to any of you smart-asses out there who tell me that nothing is something in and of itself, shut up and go fall in a hole full of pointy objects; you know what that would be helping by telling me that? Take a guess. News? By Drunk editorial staff For those with eyes in their brains and mugs in their ale, it should be clear that all manner of very important things have been occurring in the news. Or is this the news? Well, you get the idea. Apparently Uncyclopedians, Shabidoo in particular, think there is something wrong with the site. While this is indoubti-bi-tubby the case, a more pressing concern we must bring up is this: has there ever been anything right with the site? Today the scare involves NotM, a highly prestigious award won by all the people who aren't here right now, and how it creates problems in regards to new editor retention, despite the minor issue that we would have to have new editors in the first place in order to retain any of them. Another scare involves the complete lack of sufficient delete votes on VFD, along with the fact that Sycamore wants to decrease the maximum number of active votes there to 14 when 15 would in fact be a much more round number, and to decrease the score required to delete things from 5 to 4, when 5 is also a much more round number. We suspect Sycamore just has something against round numbers, probably due to some childhood trauma or something, unless it turns out that these are the wrong notes and it was someone else who wanted to do all that. Everything's so blurry. In other news, Wikia broke the site again, our illustrious admins keep forgetting to update the feature queue, VFP is lacking an appropriate number of votes, containing only the nominations of three images by Zombiebaron, who demands that more people vote for them because pi is awesome, and Uncyclopedia needs more sharons. And I really need to lie down. Profit! By a representative of Murdoch press Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to.  A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions. Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to purchase the Ferrari promote the site in the manner we were hoping for.  The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much. Editor's note: This is most certainly not a veiled attempt by the resident money launderers to give them something to launder. The people want this. They already have a number of ideas relating to the promotion and growth of the site, and want your feedback so they can have feedback! Yes!

Check out these pages! Money? Normal? Possible? Sensible? Eh? From our logs: Romartus blocked GarethPW with an expiry time of infinite (Block test (no cause for alarm yet)) Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 69.34.161.38 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Try to be more original next time. Cocks and anuses are so cliché.) RAHB blocked Ormiston College with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (And the worst user account in the world.) Tom mayfair blocked Wikipedialyte with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Inserting true information) RAHB blocked 115.124.0.68 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't be a tit, please.) Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 194.83.172.186 with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Could you come back a year from now and tell me if your IP is static? Then I can ban you for infinity next time.) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 58.170.123.142 with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.) Biopic of the Week This week's user's name raises many questions. Is a Vodkelpplant‎‎ a plant that grows Vodkelps? If so, what's a Vodkelp? Could he possibly have meant a Vodka Plant? If so, does he man a plant that grows Vodka, or a plant that makes Vodka? How many questions does his user name actually create? Why am I still talking like this? And most importantly, who killed Tupac? Anyway, while this guy hasn't posted on any talkpage, he's created a deluge of Undictionary entries. It's pretty hard to grasp how many he's actually made. Seriously, he can't be silenced! I mean, what an Imagination! If you think by 'a lot' I mean one, three, four, five, six or even forty, you're wrong; he's made many more than that. In fact, I think I'd even call him the titan of Undictionary entries. Alright, that's enough of that joke. But really, he's pretty cool. Go say hi on his talkpage, maybe his response to you will be the first time he ever posts on a talk page. That would be a reason to have a party. No, really, I'm done now. Newsroom UnTune of the Week Death Blood Kill Dude... Where'd my bottle go? Did someone steal my bottle? Oh, you... asscracks.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:23, 1 March 2012

Pee on your Goddess

The Imperial Colonization Discordianism has been Pee Reviewed. I have no authority anymore to tell anyone to do anything, but check it out anyway! Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Discordianism (2)  IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems)  03:26, March 5, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 8 March 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mum Said It Was Cool!

March 8th, 2012 • Issue 161 • The most recycled periodical on the internet!

Vote for Change By Chief Frosty fixes IRC There have been rumblings on the wiki this week, and not just because someone in the UnSignpost office insists it is their human right to have three kebabs for breakfast. These are the rumblings of discontent, and they stem from the behaviour of several users on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel. Frosty was decent enough to create a forum in the Ministry of Love explaining his discontent with pretty much everything IRC. Those of you who are fans of long blocks of text with lots of unnecessary swearing will not be disappointed as Frosty delivers Uncyclopedia's first blockbuster of 2012. The crux of the issue is that the Uncyclopedia IRC channel is not unlike my back garden, dangerous to enter alone for fear that Olipro will burst from the undergrowth and verbally assault you before hiding in the shed. There appear to be several views on this issue, besides the obvious; the UnSignpost sat down with Socky to discuss how we could fabricate a quote from him this week and he didn't say "I propose that all who argue should be put to death". Determined not to be outdone when it comes to simmering discontent with our benighted wiki, Lyrithya weighed into the forum to say that she too was disgusted with the present situation and something should be done. It's both worrying and strangely comforting that you can always rely on her for this particular viewpoint. The rebuttal to all these dissenting views has been varied, mostly involving admitting that yes Olipro and Dr. Skullthumper are an acquired taste and that everyone should generally go back to the important task of deleting maintaining the wiki. Puppy fixes NotM Speaking of maintaining the wiki, it is with great pride and the greatest pleasure that we bring to you more reforms from the keyboard of Dr. Skullthumper, Uncyclopedia's lead innovator and blue sky thinker. He proposes that in order to make new users feel welcome we should abolish Noob of the Month. Don't look at us like that; it makes complete sense to me: new users plus no awards equals a better Uncyclopedia. That isn't strictly true, as PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that instead of having a system by which we award one user the award per month we stack the new users up and treat them as though they were articles on VFH. This will at least kill two noobs with one stone, as nothing proves quite so heartbreaking as having your first article stomped on and then thrown into the bin because it "Lacks cultural significance". You could then change to the VFN page and watch yourself be stomped on and then thrown into the bin because "His/her articles lack cultural significance". Users interested in this plan should report here and support Thrak Thrak the destroyer of Worlds: May his power endure eternally, praise be, praise be to use the name he uses in his welcome message. Dr. Skullthumper fixes Uncyclopedia Oh and in case you had forgotten, Thekillerfroggy still wants to sell Uncyclopedia to the man, man. Our pessimistic thought for the week goes to Electrified mocha chinchilla, who urges you to look on the bright side by saying: "Uncyclopedia will die if we do not make a conscious effort to expand our presence on the internet, thereby reaching a wider audience and attracting more contributors". So to conclude: WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!! THIS IS THE END OF DAYS! Happy Thursday! Conservation By Chief Only you can prevent forest fires, is what we would be saying if it was time for forest fire week again. It's not. Instead it is almost time for another Conservation Week! Unfamiliar with Conservation Week? Want to learn more? Why not head on over to the page and do a spot of reading? Or don't; trust that our summary of the rules is gospel and just start writing. Basically you rewrite articles so that they are no longer suitable for one of Dr. Skullthumper's templates of doom. Having completed your rewrite you gain a point, and you want to have more points than everyone, especially HauntedUndies, who is the Team Rocket of Conservation Week. Honestly, it's true. You can enter the competition for the low low price of ten English pounds, which goes towards oiling the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia. Your article should also contain at least two pictures of a Monkey, regardless of the subject matter. Well? What are you waiting for? HAH! False start; the competition isn't running just yet, and updates could come from anywhere, at literally any time. Check out the forum and await further instructions.

Check out these pages! Conservation Centenary Madness In-jokes Proposals From our logs: 12:19, March 2, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Fck cnt slt btch whre jrk-ff rttwlr wnk (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (We have a policy on vowel abuse here.) 00:01, March 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 85.73.86.233 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Today you endure my ire at the fact the revision differences colors have changed. Rar.) 16:12, March 2, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 216.11.41.2 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (JUST LOVES AMERICA SO DAMN MUCH) 14:06, March 2, 2012 MadMax (talk | contribs) blocked 31.221.14.82 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (The "nicest guy any one would ever want to meet"? You sure have a funny way of showing it Nathaniel.) 05:49, March 4, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (talk | contribs) blocked R.A.H.B. (Roman A-dog Hunting Baron) (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hahaha) 14:19, March 6, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 199.212.250.156 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Come back in three days and tell us more about swans, this time in more detail and without the all caps.) Biopic of the Week Yeehaw! It's time for biopic of the week and this week we'll be looking at a user whose username I cannot seem to say without speaking in a ridiculous American accent. It's Jonny appleseed. Now Mr. Appleseed has been hanging about Uncyclopedia since November last year, and in that time you probably haven't spoken to him once. Why? Because he has been prowling about on UnNews, you remember UnNews, the place where you haven't been since the last argument over what shade of brown the banner should be. Jonny has written 16 articles, and they are actually quite good; I thoroughly enjoyed the thirty seconds I spent speed reading through them. He may be quiet but his potential is great; I foresee great things for you, young Appleseed (be sure to say that to him constantly). If you happen to have a spare moment, the UnSignpost suggests that you go and greet this highly promising fellow and perhaps try reading his articles while speaking with a strong American accent. It's a right hoot. Old-school FA 22 March 2006 Nigeria, two days into launching its first census in 15 years, has found it has an estimated 40 million rich and desperate princes and generals in its population, the press secretary for President Olusegun Obasanjo said today. "We were indeed surprised at the amount of high-status people in this country with Swiss bank accounts from whom the government is trying to obtain millions of dollars," the press secretary said in an official statement. "In fact, we didn't know we had so many princes, much less ones eager to unload large amounts of diamonds." Newsroom UnTune of the Week Sevenfold RAmen Public Service Announcement Users are warned not to send correspondence to their home address regarding the following edit: 21:47 HowTo:Persuade your husband‎ (diff | hist) . . (+1) . . Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs) (a couple of minor tweaks, nothing to write home about)

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:21, 8 March 2012

UnSignpost 5 April 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now a major monopoly run by Xamralco

April 5th, 2012 • Issue 162 • Xamralco edition

Xamralco By Xamralco Hello, fellow Uncyclopedians. It is I, Xamralco, here to tell you that I have temporarily taken over the UnSignpost. However, being as inexperienced as I am, I have no idea how to put an UnSignpost together. Thus, for today, the UnSignpost will be about me, the greatest Uncyclopedian ever! More Xamralco Also by Xamralco Look, I know I'm awesome. My mom knows I'm awesome. Even my kindergarten, first grade, and ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, knows I'm awesome. It's just a fact, but I'm all about being fair, so lets see what the people say: “Ehh... He's alright.” ~ Pretty much everyone on Xamralco I guess "alright" is now a synonym for "Soooooooooo freakin' awesome." Who knew? Even More Xamralco Still by Xamralco I am super, duper rad. I know no one says that anymore, but I'm bringing it back. It is Xamralco who brings back the rad fads. Xamralco will also bring back talking in the third person. Xamralco loves talking in the third person. I sometimes enjoy talking in the first person, but you find talking in the second person far more fulfilling. Still, Xamralco thinks talking in the third person is quite entertaining. Must fill up blank space By Xamralco Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Crap, that wasn't enough By Xamralco How does ChiefjusticeDS make it look so easy? Oh well. Xamralco out!

Check out these pages! User:Xamralco User talk:Xamralco Special:Contributions/Xamralco User:Xamralco/sig User:Xamralco From our logs: 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Cartoonsushi.png" 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Japanflag.jpg" 16:44, April 4, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:0303 hilary duff b.jpg" 17:05, April 3, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rick cross.jpg‎" 18:11, April 2, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rickhalo.jpg‎" Biopic of the Week Xamralco first proved himself worthy of being bestowed the title, "Honorary Human Being" by the Queen earlier this year after doing some really awesome stuff. He has joined Uncyclopedia only to become the most beloved editor in history. Fellow Uncyclopedians, NotXamralco and Xemrelco (which have no relation to the person in mention) have even called him a "comic genius," and he has been awarded tons of real awards, including "Xamralco of the Month," "Xamralco of the Year," and "Xamralco of the Week." Old-school Talk page Hello, Xamralco, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you: Beginner's Guide Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends How to be funny and not just stupid If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these: About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia How to get started editing on Uncyclopedia Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date. (more...) Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Xamralco Song Xamralco is cool Which is why he's writing about how cool he is.

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9001(bot)    20:34, Apr 5

Hey you

Given the rules have changed I thought I'd come here and whine. Why do you never call me? Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 09:50 09 Aug

Because you aren't Blondie, obviously. also how has life been and all of that jazz--HM (T) 09:52, August 9, 2012 (UTC)

Same old. Work, sleep, banned from Uncyc, became admin at mirror site, unbanned here, work, sleep. You know how it goes. Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 10:03 09 Aug

Yeah, I saw that. I did a double take when I saw your name while I was looking through the block log. I was kind of in the mood to read up on some drama so I took a few glances and...wow I'm out of touch with what's going on here. I've been gone longer than I thought... --HM (T) 10:11, August 9, 2012 (UTC)

He forgot to mention how he was elected prime minister of Australia whilst he was banned. Well, "elected" is somewhat misleading. More like "overthrew the government in a bloody struggle which culminated with the severing of the previous PM's head from her body with the chainsaw bolted to his left arm," or, as they call it down there, "Tuesday". ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Aug 9 '12 10:15 (UTC)

That's a complete fabrication. It was Friday after pub closing time. Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 10:18 09 Aug

Sorry, I thought Friday was Alligator Armageddon down there. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Aug 9 '12 10:22 (UTC)

That too. Friday after closing gets bloody messy. Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 10:24 09 Aug

What about Friday before closing? ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Aug 9 '12 10:30 (UTC)

Don't know. I never remember that bit. Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 10:38 09 Aug

It may be a misconception of mine, but I thought it was Thursdays when you lot drank a barrel of beer each, then put on gloves with bullants woven into them and played "kill the guy with the English accent." ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Aug 9 '12 10:45 (UTC)

This is all very informative. --HM (T) 19:36, August 9, 2012 (UTC)