User talk:GlobalTourniquet

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Archive 1

edit Hey, GT! You finally archived!

Congrats! --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 15, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks. I'm retarded. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 15, 2012 (UTC)

edit User:GlobalTourniquet/Astrology

Hey there! I just looked at this. It is WAY better than the current Astrology article (which I had nothing to do with). But it still needs work. Would you like my help? I practice real Jyotish since 1975, and thousands of people actually pay me for it. You are about the only user here who knows that I do. It's not my main gig. BTW: I hope you enjoy looking after Unnews. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 18:42, Aug 16

I put it up for Pee Review so that someone might identify where it needs work and help out. Collaborate then? Excellent! --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:45, August 16, 2012 (UTC)
Sure. It doesn't need a Pee review, it needs a good editing and polish. For example, the very first para is beat (i.e., not funny) but there is a load of good stuff you have written later. If you pull it from Pee review then I'll go through the whole thing with you. Let me know. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 19:08, Aug 16
I'll allow that the better joke is in the top image caption, but I can't tell it twice. I really was trying to reword the existing article's intro to make it funniER - perhaps the joke needs to change. But I like the "poorly designed connect-the-dots puzzles" joke myself (yeah remove the word "celestial" there - it's superfluous). A lot of this really isn't my original material. You'll find that a large part of what I did was just reworking to try to improve the writing and presentation of the existing Astrology and (especially) Zodiak articles. But have at them - I'll remove the review request and we'll go to town. Oh by the way, there's a bit of vanity at the end there, and I'm not confident that it's appropriate, but part of me really likes it and I think it might work as a kind of exception here, though I'm not 100% sure. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:35, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Hi, I just checked out your version, and its definitely better than the current version. So if you don't find an admin to move the article, just edit your article, hit "Select all", then select "Copy", then go to edit the article in mainspace, hit "Select all", then select "Paste". Presto, rewrite done. Just a friendly suggestion. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 22:57, August 16, 2012 (UTC)

Which is what I was going to do until I saw the text on the Move Article page tell me NEVER EVER DO THAT! in big capital letters with an excalamtion point. But then it said I can't do that because I will lose the history on the user page article and I was like "so?" Still, I didn't do it. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:03, August 16, 2012 (UTC)
Hey there. Welcome to the unnews posting. You probably don’t need any help. You should paste your better version of Astrology over the old version. If no one objects then you’re home free. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 14:04, Aug 18
I answered on my talk page, btw *drinks a sip* Snowflake mini Mattsnow 04:26, August 21, 2012 (UTC)

edit God hates

Just want to ask if the god hates article is all that necessary? I'm all for agreement with the subject as I agree, he/she/it does appear to hate us - although, as an article it isn't worth anything. You did a lovely thing correcting my bad grimmer and speeling mistokes the other day. I just feel UnNews is meant to at least keep a level of humor up. Cunt is a nasty word still and people might be turned off by the news if they happened to click the god article. The site is about subtle parody of real news. I put the odd "fuck" in my articles but try to hold back from that language. My dad who's 71 said it doesn't need "blue" words in an article. I agree. You are doing a fine job as editor but AS editor you shouldn't have allowed an article like the god one on. Matt would have thrown it out as being "not funny". That's your job now Luke. Use the force wisely. No offense to you at all, I love the news and with some good editor decisions we can make it a friendly place for any age. 110.49.242.72 03:02, August 22, 2012 (UTC)

My computer doesn't stay signed in. Annoying... I'm ticklethekeys by the way. x
Did you read the source? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:48, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Also this --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:50, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
OK, so now you see those. Perhaps without me saying this you now see that the article is a parody of actual news - it is a form of satire called ad absurdum, and if you read the article carefully it is telling a kind of story as well. I actually consider what I've done there very high-brow comic satire, but it takes some careful attention to detail to see it. It's clear to me that you failed to grasp it, because the article doesn't say anything about God appearing to hate us, as you describe. The article is about the fact that people attribute hate for profanity to God (per the source article), so the author character of that piece just went batshit nuts about it. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:55, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I think I would have thrown it out. You're a much better writer than this. Not that I'm against swearing, I wrote some articles with it, but I kinda agree with Ticklethekeys. But you're the UnNews editor now, and you're a great writer too, it is to be expected that there will be some difference in the way you run things. :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 16:32, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Really? Surprising to me - the overdone swearing is the key to the satire, and it is funny, but more importantly it is satirizing the source. Did you consider those things? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:38, August 22, 2012 (UTC)
Just my opinion there, I thought for a swearing match it wasn't too bad, maybe I would have let it go, maybe not. It would have depended on my level of caffeine in my blood, my overall mood with my girlfriend and if I had a good alcohol level in, who knows what I would have done! My argument is I don't like swearing for the fuck of it, but you are the boss now, although I am happy to give you a "second opinion" on any fucking shit, as I tried to seek to on IRC when making a move I thought would ruffle a few feathers, such as userspacing an article or plucking a bird. 05:26, August 23, 2012 (UTC)
^^^^^Drunk editing lol. I see you are doing fine, those TV shows on the UnNews page are hilarious. I was trying to say it's normal we have different tastes, and also, sometimes you can think an article sucks, then read it again the next day and think it's good. It depends on your present mood I guess. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 22:05, August 28, 2012 (UTC

edit Thanks for the revert

Yeah. Priestweinrib The Priest King WeinribŽ of JupiterPriestweinrib 12:29, August 23, 2012 (UTC)


edit Editor

About the above conversation... Let me start again. I love UnNews as a whole - (I like other holes but that's another story) The premise of UnNews is to be a place of Subtle Satire. Satire says it all without saying it all. The reader is supposed to fill in parts of an article by the pictures they get in their head - hence, they then laugh. An example of this is a great article by another user about Lindsay Lohan and the crash in the Porsche: "Despite doctor's best efforts, she survived anyway"... The picture I got in my mind was a bunch of disappointed doctors. Simple but funny. People are supposed to click to the news and not be quite sure if it's real or not. A standard is essential. If you are the full time editor I must inform people so only you touch the page. Useless if many do it. The front page remained the same for a few days so I wondered if you are still the editor. I will think of you as boss and chief etc from now - no problem with you at all. Quality articles in the right places and regular page updates is all I beg of you. Emperor Niquet - I am at your service. Hope you read this as intended. I am but a simple writer - who likes women as a whole. Ticklethekeys (talk) 02:24, August 30, 2012 (UTC) Daniel

As a very seasoned UnJournalist and Foolitzer Prize winner (2010 February), I believe you will discover that I am very well versed in the premise of UnNews, and a champion (read my articles) of satire in all of its various forms. Subtlety is my favorite satirical mode also. The satire in the article that was complained about is actually extremely subtle - so subtle in fact that you and others missed it, because you couldn't see past the over-the-top presentation. I can accept that. This one is an example of something similar - it is not subtle on the surface, but it is subtlely skewering the people who were whining at the time that she was selling herself not just as an athlete, but as a damn sexy one. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:00, August 30, 2012 (UTC)
Write more like this one! You did exactly what I was talking about... "Don't you wish they skied backwards"... The image in my mind made me truly laugh! Plus you've mixed a sexy (fucking hot) woman and humor together - sort of creates an ironic feel which is great. All I can think about now is her ass. Oh and you dared to do what I do... put your own name in the article. Love writing in the 1st person, sounds more active like a running commentary etc. I will have a good look through your past articles. Dan 110.49.250.106 19:35, August 30, 2012 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery

Chief, thanks for featuring this on the Front Page. I have tweaked your lede; my UnNewses tend, in the second paragraph, to lapse into providing factual background instead of humor. So I replaced some of that with a quip from later in the article, the purpose of the lede being to induce the reader to click and view the whole thing.

Having done an Audio for this, I added the {{InlineMedia}} template to the Front Page and to {{RecentUnNews}} to provide a link to it. I see the list of recent audios is gone from the Front Page; disappointing but appropriate, as the last time I checked, the list was entirely my stuff from 18 months ago, and I won't be doing Audios as regularly as before because of logistical problems. Spıke ¬ 11:31 31-Aug-12

Yeah, some positively charged chocolatey coffee rodent decided to remove the recent audios when I insisted on the horoscopes going back up. I was advocating for two new sections in addition to the horoscopes to balance it all out, but he insisted audios was a dead department. In fact I did create a new section as a kind of proof of concept, but I ended up really liking it (TV Highlights) so I replaced the comics, which I felt were kind of played out. Maybe if you (or anyone else) are going to revive the audios, I'll go back to advocating for the three new sections, restoring audios and comics and maybe adding UnMagazine. Anyway - really great article. Impressive how you updid a rather dull one like that. Go get yourself a donut from the box in my office. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:10, August 31, 2012 (UTC)

A couple users have wanted audios to be a dead department since the days when I was doing three a week. TV Highlights is fine, provided they are updated from time to time. The comics had been unmanned for years, were mostly about Richard Nixon, and their creator's taste always ran to the odd over the funny. Thanks for the donut. But that other guy always had Absinthe. Spıke ¬ 18:15 31-Aug-12

edit Lead Templates

Heya there G-T, good hustle with the taking care of UnNews and stuff, but when you add the blurbs to the lead templates could you only include one or two sentences max instead of entire paragraphs? Leave a lil something to the imagination to hook them readers in, yo. --Littleboyonly TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly 22:21, September 4, 2012 (UTC)

I thought abut that today - but it's only because I had to look at it on a 19-inch monitor. I went woah. Too much, dude. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 22:23, September 4, 2012 (UTC)

edit Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

--ChiefjusticeGameCube 10:58, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

edit Yes

You move it with the button atop the page, and in the "new title" box, you write: User:Joe9320/UnNews:NASA discovers Hot Dogs in Space Done! Don't fargett to tell the user in a nice way that it would need more work on his talk page though. :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 00:35, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Dang - that moved it to User:User:Joe9320...etc. What do I select from the drop-down when I do this to prevent that? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 02:18, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
Woops lol. well, it must be "user"... That wasn't there in the good ol' days. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 04:19, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
Well yeah that's what I did and it ended up like that. I guess I can fix it, but there will be a double redirect. I'm so cornfused. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 17:41, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
Just take the redirect to qvfd lol. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 21:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)
I think the function of the new and very helpful pulldown menu is to type the desired prefix for you. Your mistake was in also typing the prefix for yourself. My guess is that it will work if you do either one or the other; if you type User:Joe9320/pagename into "mainspace," it will result in a page name that nevertheless is in userspace. Spıke ¬ 11:33 9-Sep-12

edit Just rape my report.

I have absolutely have not give a damn about my article. So please, delete it. After a few days it becomes old. So next time, I'll do the whole stoner guy thing instead. GiratinaOriginForme |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Man on Fire CUN|IC Kill 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg | 07:55, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

edit Datelines

Mine hurts too. In the days before the UnNews Style Guide was made light, breezy, and useless, we used to specify that states of the US or provinces of Canada in UnNews datelines didn't need further clarification. Spıke ¬ 17:46 8-Sep-12

That can work too. I don't care which way we go, I just want to strive for consistency and I think someone mentioned that because we are all global and whatnot, it should be there. Now that I think about it, it's obvious without the country the way you describe. But do we alienate or offend those odd people on that little island where they talk funny english over there in Europe by doing that? Does anyone care? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 17:57, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

It is not only obvious without "USA," but you would not find any "legitimate" news outlet that found it necessary to specify where Tampa, Florida is, even to British readers. In addition, two years ago the Style Guide used to specify that carrying this joke further (Tampa, Florida, USA, North America, Earth, Solar System, Alpha Quadrant, Milky Way, Universe) was not to be done. I am all for consistency, and the best way to achieve it, and even get your correspondents to help, is to set it out in writing. Regarding insulting those quaint islanders, I wouldn't mind if the counties of England got the same concession; a dateline of "Reading, Berkshire" seems realistic to me if the story quickly clarifies for American dolts that it is about England. Spıke ¬ 11:30 9-Sep-12

edit Your horoscope

Chief, I am sometimes guilty of advocacy, but yours here is independent of yucks. "This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass." This is Koch-brothers dog-whistle stuff. The assertion that involvement in politics (on the side other than yours) necessarily screws everyone else is debatable (only, the debate belongs somewhere else). And the suggestion that the reader will realize what is happening only when pigs fly out of your ass also insults him. I don't know and won't know what you intend to do with this horoscope, but I repeat my advice that you keep it light and even-handed in matters of politics, religions, and races. Spıke ¬ 00:38 22-Sep-12

I have about 47 weeks of horoscopes written. That's 564 jokes, a large percentage of which I have gotten positive feedback about. Also, most of them insult the reader in one way or another. That one you point out is just one of many, and it's what it is. If you don't like it, there are literally hundreds others you can enjoy, the vast majority of which are completely apolitical. So I think perhaps I am not remiss in respectfully asking you to lighten up a bit about this problem you have with personal bias that you individually struggle to find funny. I can find a hundred people who do find that one hilarious, all of them angry liberals of course, and even probably a thousand if I go a step or two closer to Kevin Bacon. Please - this isn't your political forum. If something is funny to 40% of the people out there, I feel I have succeeded, even if it hurts some feelings or rubs some the wrong way. My plans for this and every other horoscope is by and large to try to be funny, and occasionaly I'll throw bones to my lefty brethren. But I even made skewering fun of Obama (Sagittarius) once when I despised his actions, and this is entirely appropriate. So please... lighten up. Thank you. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:58, September 22, 2012 (UTC)
And just for the record, I am fair and balanced - I will never ever ever tell you or anyone else not to satirize religion, politics or race, from any bias or angle. Certainly you must agree that Uncyclopedia is not only not a place for people sensitive to those things, but also is a place where a satirist can explore them freely. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:01, September 22, 2012 (UTC)
As Columbo said, "And one more thing" - you can't be "guilty" of something that is not a transgression. Two more things. "Independent of yucks" - I will quote you from The Dude: "That's just like, your opinion, man." --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:20, September 22, 2012 (UTC)

That's, like, all it is. Am not saying you can't write humor; just that that one was ladled on too thick for me. Cheers. Spıke ¬ 18:47 22-Sep-12

edit Can you teach me how to UnNews?

Please. I would be happy if I found an article of a current event to satirize. Then I can move to Cracked.com. GiratinaOriginForme |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Man on Fire CUN|IC Kill 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg | 11:25, September 23, 2012 (UTC)

I'm afraid moving to Cracked.com is an aspiration I'm not qualified to assist with. I could help you improve your satire game to make it on Illogicopedia though if you want. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:06, September 23, 2012 (UTC)
I'll take Illogicopedia. GiratinaOriginForme |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Man on Fire CUN|IC Kill 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg | 11:47, September 24, 2012 (UTC)
Joe, if you will look up the December 2010 version of UnNews:Style (before the start of the campaign to make the document "a little less fascist"), you'll see a variety of ways to convert current events into satire. Reading any wire story with that in mind should lead to a variety of entertaining angles. Spıke ¬ 17:18 23-Sep-12
Sorry, I interpreted the "Then I can move to Cracked.com" comment to be indicating that he was being snarky and facetious. I may have been wrong. I could certainly help also. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 05:27, September 24, 2012 (UTC)
Everyone must move from here to somewhere--At least, lately they don't seem to be sticking around here. Rereading Joe's question, if what he's asking is where to find the straight articles to begin with, I like myway.com as an unobtrusive way to gain access to wire stories. Spıke ¬ 11:09 24-Sep-12

edit My leftie counterpart

If you are really my leftie counterpart here, I have two favors to ask:

  • On Uncyclopedia:VFH/UnNews:Riots spread across Arabia protesting American cinema--I nominated this recent UnNews of mine, after the previous nomination was featured, based on your praise of it on my talk page. But now Matt Lobster has a No vote which (if not just general snippiness) may be saying that this UnNews is an exact example of the apparent advocacy I've recently campaigned against in the Forum. Would you please re-read and see if you think he has a point? Regardless of what I believe, does it seem that I am primarily putting down the Administration rather than primarily having fun? I thought it was sufficiently light-hearted, but parts of it I have now heard from several conservative "funny men" who were not interested in using it to get laughs.
  • On my new Talk radio, could you suggest a few additional directions in which to take it? Spıke ¬ 16:08 24-Sep-12
I'll have a second look in a bit, but as you might have known, my first reaction to your statement is, if you are primarily putting down the administration, then as long as it's funny, I have no problem with it. Having fun is not more important than making fun of something you find ridiulous, even in anger or frustration. It's healthy. But I know that you feel differently and I respect that, so I'll give you an honest opinion. Your satire is really excellent and my yes vote is purely based on that - if he is voting you down for the reason you state then his vote should be discounted in a perfect world - VFH votes should obviously never be personal outside of personal taste for humor. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:26, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Mmm, yes, this may be difficult, as you have not just a different political view but a different humor threshold. I had great fun writing that UnNews, but the key in my mind (especially on VFH) is whether the reader will have fun reading it. Part of it reads a lot like a witty Limbaugh monologue, but part of it is really about F Troop and Pollyanna, like Hillary's view of "first aid"--and Romney is there as just as big a dufus. At any rate, I'll welcome a second opinion. Spıke ¬ 19:56 24-Sep-12

OK well, regarding your question about the article, I reread it carefully with that consideration, and I can see how someone might feel the way you fear Matt Lobster is, but I don't know - they would really have to be overly sensitive about it in my view. His comment on the vote is cryptic to me - did you discuss this with him, or are you just concerned he might be thinking that? Anyway, by making sure you appear to be actual news you generally do a good job avoiding that type of author character in most of your articles. However in this piece, there is a bit of a sense of an author-character bias. There are a number of instances where the same joke can be told using a more neutral point of view simply by changing the language to attribute rather than state. When The Onion is looking to present this, I find that there are attributive statements to tell their jokes as opposed to faux-factual statements.
Here's a good example I think regarding this concern: "At least one of these assertions is a blatant lie" as opposed to "At least one of these assertions has been identified by observers as a blatant lie" - it's simple things like that; the passive voice exonerates your author. Of course "Secretary of Snake" and "Ben-Gay or Benghazi or..." unattributed to Romney and in fact almost attributed to the writer (?) also doesn't help the NPOV effort. I love this joke: "which Libyan peasants carry at all times" - and I would not change it. But it is another example of something that makes the writer the joke teller - an NPOV version of this would be "which Libyan peasants reportedly carry at all times". That said, I think the way you tell it is funnier. This is a great example of what I mean that I think you are striving for. I scoured this article and could not find one joke told via a faux-factual statement (in other words, a charged biased statement by the author character). All of the jokes are in comments attributed to the candidate, I don't think there is a single instance there of the author character being snarky. And it's a great way to get the jokes told. If you really want to strive for this ideal, I think looking at where the author character is telling the joke - is the one being snarky - I think this is a key thing here, and might assuage your sense of guilt about (of course I mean exonerate you from the charge of) blatant advocacy. Two cents. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 22:18, September 24, 2012 (UTC)

Well, thank you, and the best bit of advice here is to go to the Horse's Mouth, as I have not done; I'll now go to Matt Lobster and ask him to come here and comment. I do usually strive to make the narrator seem neutral, and failed in a couple respects here, but as you note, it was fun doing so. Spıke ¬ 22:56 24-Sep-12

PS--Did that, but following a conversation about what it means that he has emptied out his user page. It's usually not a good sign. Spıke ¬ 23:10 24-Sep-12

OK I am a dumb cluck. I get it now. But then again I am a libtard, so what can you expect? I just realized what you are saying the cryptic message means. Duh. Sometimes I am slow - in fact that's why I took the bold initiative to interpret Joe's comment above as jest - I didn't want to risk missing the joke. Anyhoo, by "Did I pass?", he obviously meant he was making the bold assumption that your article is a test to see if we all got your drift about the advocacy problem and would appropriately vote against it! Hahahaha! Duh. Wow - well, I've just been through a house fire followed by whole-family-living-in-a-hotel over here, so I'll ecxcuse my dumb cluckness this time. I think you are right. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:45, September 25, 2012 (UTC)
Oh yeah, and I'll try to read Talk radio carefully tonight. I skimmed it, and it does look like it could use a punch-up here or there. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 00:48, September 25, 2012 (UTC)

edit Matt lobster replies

Spike, I've only just caught up with your Biden UnNews. This is rare genius and was deservedly featured. Even though as a piece of work it clearly makes a political point, the narrator still maintains the illusion of impartiality. This new UnNews does not (in my opinion) have a narrator that appears impartial. It just reads a little bit like a rant. I thought it may be a deliberate attempt to provoke after the political advocacy forum you created. mAttlobster. (hello) 12:05, September 25, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for your praise and reply. I do not indeed nominate to provoke or to "test" voters. (Such gaming of the Uncyclopedia infrastructure got you a short ban in the Mordillo days.) But if that is how it reads to you, then your vote is justified.
I can see three political wisecracks that I snuck into the story (regarding the US being an "honest broker," hinting at Obama's years-ago "acted stupidly" remark about the Cambridge police, and regarding Obama's stay at Columbia). They were so out-of-character for the newsman that I omitted them from the UnNews Audio and have now deleted them from the text. And I'll put quotes around the Ben-Gay stuff as this was always intended to be a bumbling Romney quote. "Secretary of Snake" did make it into the Audio, but it could have been the narrator's ineptitude. (I also had him state the date as "twenty oh twelve," reprising a joke from Walt Kelly in Pogo.) I'll undo this in the text.
I'll leave the assertions that Arab youths always carry English signage and that the movie tells a "blatant lie" about Muhammad. The change GT suggests above would burden the reader with more complicated sentences, solely to let me pat myself on the back for being perfectly unbiased. But perfect neutrality is not my goal. That the article should not "read...like a rant," is. Or at least should not start out like a rant; sometimes it's fun when an article degenerates.
Neutrality is not an orthodoxy of mine either. In the past, I've read an AP wire that sounded so in-the-tank for Obama that I've written UnNewses that tie themselves in knots with spin. As the newsman usually gets the facts woefully wrong, he is allowed to get his entire profession wrong too. GT, I do not have a single "right" way to write an UnNews, but my assumption is that our reader is a reader of the real news, and on the Front Page and at the start of articles, we should meet him on his grounds--before we start to play with his head. Spıke ¬ 12:46, 12:59 25-Sep-12
That's a good approach - I like it a lot. I also like the Jon Stewart approach. I also like the Stephen Colbert approach. But then I also like the Norm MacDonald approach, which leaves me without peer it seems. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 14:25, September 26, 2012 (UTC)

edit Eugene Ionesco

Afraid I don't know enough to tell whether this is a good article. But it is clearly good work.

Also, I read your notice to "reporters" in the Forum. You might be better for the job than I was. I would not have bounced an UnNews that, for instance, ridiculed a politician I sympathize with; but I encountered and opposed a few that struck me as pure advocacy rather than humor, referring again to my recent sermon in the Forum. And there was a notorious article on the Wisconsin impasse a couple years ago whose take was that everyone is acting like kindergarteners; I found that woefully inadequate compared to playing on the excesses being committed by both sides. I set to edit it, committing the sin you describe of substituting my jokes for someone else's. On the other hand, this comment of yours suggests a model under which the author owns an UnNews. I like that model, as there are pages here over which I act as owner, but you may be setting yourself up for endless grief.

A point you neglect is that the threshold depends on the author. There was an era where Funnybony would drop an article a day into UnNews, some of them merely mechanical transformations, Russian Reversals, of the actual news. On those occasions where I saw new segues and links, I savaged his stuff and he enjoyed being part owner of the result.

My biggest problem was articles that amused the author by pranking the Front Page without being amusing. I wanted the Front Page to read like real news, until one reads it. Froggy's perennial thesis that we must provoke, I view as self-amusement rather than entertainment of the reader. No problem with a page that does both. Spıke ¬ 20:39 28-Sep-12

Yeah the Ionesco piece may be a little too obscure, but my hope is at least anyone who knows his plays would enjoy it. I said as much on its talk page. I just feel like it's OK for it to sit in its little corner and be there if anyone cares.
As for the little manifesto - I would never say one of us is better for the job. Any time there is a change at the top of something, that thing will take on a new personality. I feel that as long as the approach is sound - a somewhat vague term I'll admit - one UnNews chief is only better than another for how much better he or she maintains standards of excellence within that approach. I am planning on being the best UnNews chief ever, so only if that happens will I accept the notion that I am better for the job than you were. It's good to try something a little different though. I think Zim was the chief for most of the time I was writing UnNews before I left for a year or so, and I was weaned on his standards - that may be part of my make-up here. I think I may have missed your tenure, but I'm sure - and in fact I have heard - that you "maintain[ed] standards of excellence" within your approach with great aplomb. And aplombs are rare.
The model I hope to implement is a combination - generally each author is the sole (or at least main) owner of his or her UnNews, while I take full responsibility for the overall quality of the place. But endless grief - I hear you there. Fortunately it's a bit quiet here these days. That quietude has two sides of course - we are probably as deprived of genius as we are spared from riff-raff for the moment. I have user-spaced I think three articles, with near-pee-review commentary on the authors' talk pages, only to be greeted by crickets (or otherwise lack of passion for the sacred task of UnNews journalism). So yeah. Endless grief may be rearing its ugly head at me as I type. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:05, September 28, 2012 (UTC)

edit award

Writer of the month Writer of the Month September 2012 ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 01:16, October 1, 2012 (UTC)

edit Hey! Just wanted to let you know it wasn't trolling... and the insults are not directed to actually anyone. I made it all up.

Just made this up with a FB friend and RAHB and Zombiebaron suggested nominating it. --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:04, October 3, 2012 (UTC)

edit UnNews:Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives

I appreciate your effusive praise of me in nominating this. (I threw {{VFH}} on the item itself.) I would conclude that you like my work--but you also gave an attaboy to 1rageagainstme2 for his, um, contribution, so it probably means you are simply doing what a very good UnNews Chief does. Cheers! Spıke ¬ 21:13 15-Oct-12

I'm such a good chief, in fact, that my main concern in writing what I did to him was that it would come across condescending instead of the encouragement to improve that I hope it will be. If you have not, check my note to him/her on his/her talk page - I hope I gave it to the writer straight without mincing words about the article's lack of quality, but also without insulting or discouraging. I actually think there may be potential here if we can up the funny and fix the style. Maybe. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:20, October 15, 2012 (UTC)
You know, Spike, I just re-read your note there just now and got a clearer picture of the gist of it. Sometimes I'm a little slow. Anyway, I wanted to point out to you that this article is the only UnNews article I have ever VFH'd. That ought to indicate something to you regardless of what I might say to someone whose work enjoys less brilliance in my capacity as very good UnNews chief. Your satire is top notch. You remain one of UnNews's great assets. Period. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:35, October 18, 2012 (UTC)

Please don't read anything more in that message than there is; I do appreciate your praise and regard it as one aspect of good management, and of course you should give encouragement to others as well. In fact, your concern about how everything seems (to him and to me) is another aspect of good management. To him, having given an attaboy on an otherwise scathing nomination, seeming condescending is a slight risk. Spıke ¬ 20:24 18-Oct-12

PS on old business: I'm satisfied on what Talk radio has become, but it has a gaping lack of photos after the start. Shoop-o-potamus Zombiebaron did not reply to a request. Complete shoops or mere suggestions are welcome. Spıke ¬ 20:26 18-Oct-12

Oh my bad. I completely forgot about the Talk Radio request. I'll tie a string around my finger about it. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 21:47, October 18, 2012 (UTC)

edit Proofreading UnNews

Thanks for tweaking today's UnNews. I followed Strunk & White and put the comma (also periods) inside quotes because it looks better. (Wikipedia says to put them inside or outside depending on whether they belong in the thing quoted.) (Incidentally, on italics ending with punctuation, the punctuation must be italic or it drifts apart from the text.) More uncommonly, I capitalize after a colon if and only if the thing after the colon is a complete sentence in its own right; the capital letter is a parsing key for the reader. Spıke ¬ 15:42 19-Oct-12

In my little manifesto I decreed that we will use the British standard for punctuation with quotes. Why? Because we need to pick a standard and that's the one that looks best and makes the most sense to me. Regarding the capitalization after the colon thing - yeah, it is in dispute. Let's look at it across different respected manuals of style and we'll pick a standard that is generally newspaper standardy, if there is one. My feeling is only capitalize if it's a quote (though we don't generally introduce quotes with colons unless there's a separate justification for the colon, like the preceding clause is explicitly introductory of the quoted concept), or if there are more than one complete sentences following. Anyway, we'll talk about it and agree on a standard. Then I'll add it to the manifesto. I also generally favor italicizing punctuation after italics. Nice article, though. What an interesting, absurd scenario to be so truly defensible. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 16:07, October 19, 2012 (UTC)

PS--If you elect to feature my UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! (on the Front Page and/or in {{RecentUnNews}}, note that there is an Audio and please cite it with {{InlineMedia}} as I've done nearby. This Audio does not have the same name as its UnNews, because of all those squiggly marks, but is named simply File:UnNews--Windows 8 baffles users.mp3. Spıke ¬ 16:34 21-Oct-12

Spike, I'm swamped at the moment. If you like you can take care of that for me. If not I can get to it later tonight. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, you always have leave to add your own articles to the recent template any time you want to if I'm delayed for any reason. Largely because you rock and that. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 19:29, October 22, 2012 (UTC)

There is no rush and no compelling reason for me to do your job for you. In fact, I "beta-tested" the Windows 8 story on a companion during yesterday's NFL game and he complained that it was too much like real news. (Namely, jokes not packed densely enough.) So I have condensed the UnNews and even re-cut the Audio. Spıke ¬ 19:50 22-Oct-12

PS--Now I have partly reverted you on this UnNews. Fixing my dangling participle regarding Star Trek versus the experts was a good catch. However, on one other point, where you reference back to this discussion, you're just wrong:

You punctuate this way (when the thing in parens isn't a complete sentence).
Now you do it this way. (Because now it is.)

I have never read anything anywhere to the contrary. On the other points of grammar I raised above: I readily yield to you on lowercase-after-colon, as I don't even agree it is in dispute; I know of no other writer who does it my way. And I don't mind doing some things British, if a Brit is going to take on the editing job. (If you aren't British, doing so is perverse.) Spıke ¬ 17:05 23-Oct-12

Ignoring for the moment that "because now it is" is not a complete sentence ( :) ), I am aware that it is grammatically acceptable to form a parenthetical complete sentence. You may also do it the way I changed it, also perfectly grammatically acceptable. It is, in my view, almost always possible to reword so as to avoid the situation, and maybe I could have presented my case by a more substantial rewording. It's just that I personally hate seeing it except where really necessary - I find it clumsy and distracting. But I accept your preference. As for the British standard for quote punctuation, one, when I get through it will be the American standard, and two, it is already changing here - you will find many American publications using that standard. Maybe even most by now. It is "perverse", and a stupid affectation, to use the words "colour" or "theatre". But this standard is having its way here and I think it's because it's really more sensible. Love the article (as usual), by the way. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 18:48, October 23, 2012 (UTC)

edit Earth Demon

You may be right about the quotations, I don't like writing that way though as I feel the quotes are all part of one sentence, regardless the contents. However, as for the earth demon, it is intended to be a trait of the demon; a demon that causes earth-related disaster (earthquakes). This is one of the references to fantasy games (the point in that, of course, being how ridiculous the true story is). Also, the article mentions them twice, but you only changed the first instance, making it inconsistent.
◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:45, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

Then earth demon it is, per your clarification. Obviously I would have changed the second one to be capitalized too if I had seen it later, but of course now I won't. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:49, October 24, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, and if I failed to mention - amusing article. I liked it. I was considering how to satirize that absurd situation a bit earlier myself, but this is a really good concept and execution. Nice work. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:52, October 24, 2012 (UTC)
Well I am glad you think so, as it is my first UnNews piece. I have little free time for Uncyclopedia these days, so I may start doing more UnNews bits as they take much less time.
◄► UnUnUn ium ◄► 23:57, October 24, 2012 (UTC)

edit Thanks

For the proof-reading - much better now. I'll try and do more myself next time. mAttlobster. (hello) 17:27, October 26, 2012 (UTC)

edit I took one hell of a break

I was pretty busy, but now I think I'll edit a little more often. How's it going with the UnNews thing? You seem to be doing really fine! :) The only thing that jumped out was how long of the article you put on the UnNews pages, almost in their entirety! But I digress, you're in charge lol. Any questions? Did people criticize anything? I'd sure be on your side. Maybe I'll get around to writing soon. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 02:45, October 31, 2012 (UTC)

That was nowhere near a hell of a break - that was wimpy. I was inactive for about a year and a half. Come talk to me about hell when you top that, my friend. Oh yeah, and I've cut those UnNews page articles waaay down from when I was first doing it. You should have seen some of those. I'm learning. Anyway, it's not bad. It's just thankless enough to keep me bitter and angry about it, so that part is good. They say haters are going to hate, but no one has hated without cause and we've managed the few little issues with consideration and care for quality as job one, I think. So, rage quit doesn't look to be fewer than four or five "earth" vs. "Earth" arguments away, so I'm good for now. I do appreciate the care though, that's very sweet. Thanks. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 15:41, October 31, 2012 (UTC)

edit would you like?

Would you like me to ask you if an article's nom worthy before I nom it? Until I work up humor?--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 23:31, November 1, 2012 (UTC)

Wow. This reaction is encouraging. If ED were more suited for you - as I perhaps hastily concluded - then your reaction would have been more immaturely defensive. OK. So clearly your desire to succeed here is strong, because this approach you've chosen in reaction to my nom comment shows a great combination of humbleness and balls. If anything will, that will be a huge factor in your success here. But my answer to your question is, certainly not - that would violate the spirit of the community. I would steer you a different direction altogether for now, away from VFH. I wish Pee Review were active like it used to be, that would be your very best avenue to understanding the nature of the humor ideals here. But for now how about instead of focusing on VFH nominations, you focus on writing an article and getting feedback. Is there an article you're working on where I can maybe give you feedback about how to bend the writing more toward Uncyclopedia style humor? --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 23:45, November 1, 2012 (UTC)
User:Kamek98/Guinness Book of Lame Records, Ancient Aliens, User:Kamek98/Samurai Warriors --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:10, November 2, 2012 (UTC)
Could you vote on hairy ball theorem? --General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:11, November 2, 2012 (UTC)
And then could you suggest photos for Talk radio? Spıke ¬ 00:20 2-Nov-12
Kamek, have you pored through UN:HTBFANJS yet? You see, what this is is a fake encyclopedia. And, while there are many approaches to writing an article--especially in the different spaces such as HowTo:--the usual one is to write a page that looks exactly like a Wikipedia page...until...the reader starts reading and realizes that it's pure crap! Now, on your projects: No one is going to look up the encyclopedia page on "Ancient Aliens"; that's sort of a slogan, or a case where the title is the punch line and the reader already has to know the joke. Guinness Book of Lame Records: Okay, that could exist, but again, the reader is not going to come looking for it. Samurai Warriors: Okay, that's a video game (I'll take your word for it). That one is very unfinished. The other two strike me as not fitting the "encyclopedia" gag, nor any other. The author is intoxicated with being on stage, in a forum where he can jive to strangers about not giving two shits. It might help if we turned it around and you told me what your plan is for getting the reader to laugh.
I am perhaps more annoyed at excessive swearing than most other Uncyclopedians. The reason is that it breaks the encylopedia gag too quickly. I didn't swear at all in the title of UnNews:Windows 8 baffles users; but, screw 'em! though it discloses the theme of the article. I don't swear at all in the UnNews--until "whereas actual customers generally just wish they could find the God-damned things." The page has been very dry, but this outburst is like a boring teacher suddenly slapping you on the cheek. Spıke ¬ 00:31 2-Nov-12

edit Ancient Aliens

For Ancient Aliens I wanted to base it on the TV show and meme of Ancient Aliens, look up an episode its quite easy material for an uncyclopedia page. For the Lame Records I wanted to get out the point of most of actual book's records are quite stupid and no one cares in a sarcastic kind of way. Samurai Warriors is a video game based off from Warring States Japan and is a spinoff of Dynasty Warriors, a spinoff of the Romance of the Three Kingdoms video games which are based from the books. I wanted to make it a samurai view point, like as if the samurai saw like a pissed off DW fan's original creation and edited it to make it look like a non-ripoff. (Actually isn't, its a spinoff) The strikes are basically the edits.--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:33, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

Yes I've pored through the UN:HTBFANJS--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:43, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

On Ancient Aliens: Sorry, my ignorance. Am reading Wikipedia right now (ah, so that's who Tsoukalos is!). More to follow. Spıke ¬ 00:45 2-Nov-12

I love Ancient Aliens and some of it is convincing. That's why I wanted to start this.--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:48, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

OK, I get it now. Well, tells a joke by beating it into the ground. Too many quotes (two entire groups of them! and Captain Obvious is almost always unwelcome), too many See also's. The first-person thing needs to be done with extreme care. So basically Tsoukalos is simply a con artist, and you have him giving a speech. Only, when he goes, "So therefore, shut up and believe me!" at the end of the first section, why read further? In my opinion, what you ought to do (to justify an article-length article) is to have it start out almost believable, and gradually toward the end have him get dumber and dumber, until he makes it clear that "aliens" is his answer to pretty much anything. Spıke ¬ 00:54 2-Nov-12

Maybe could you start the intro and first paragraph to give me an idea?--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 00:57, November 2, 2012 (UTC)

Done. Just like that. Start slow and get crazier. By the way, that's way more illustrations than a usual article has--they push each other out of position, on my screen--and they are all the same joke (and most of them are the same illustration) (about which, that guy has the ugliest hairdo since Vir Cotto on Babylon 5). Spıke ¬ 01:27 2-Nov-12

edit Talk radio bis

I reply to you on my talk page on your handling of the red-link for Air America in Talk radio, but then made unrelated changes, so you might never see it. In summary, using a pipe-link to surreptitiously translate it to tumbleweeds is funny, but so was the red-link, which implied that Air America is such a financial failure as to not even have an Uncyclopedia entry; I have enhanced the See Also section with such a red-link, so my talk page challenges you to achieve your beloved consistency, or let it stand, as you wish. I also tweaked your illustrations, though I am still grateful for them. Spıke ¬ 23:23 3-Nov-12

It is your article, you are absolutely welcome - for the help and to adjust as you see fit. I was happy for the opportunity to offer my ideas and suggestions. Either way it's a feature. --Globaltourniquet GlobalTourniquetUnAstrologer, UnJournalist, shameless narcissistic America-hating liberal atheist award-winning featured writer 01:16, November 4, 2012 (UTC)

edit Can you play around with my edits on Samurai Warriors?

--General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric (talk) 18:40, November 4, 2012 (UTC)

edit Horoscopes, Pee Review, VfH

I wrote some horoscopes, hope that's alright. Don't know they update on the main page, but felt like the pre-election ones should be updated!

Remainder of discussion is now Forum:Merge VFH and Pee Review?

edit Extra! Extra! News that's not new to you!

 ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usTue, Nov 20 '12 9:20 (UTC)

edit The UnSignpost! Cancel Your Subscription Today!

 ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usThu, Nov 29 '12 5:16 (UTC)

edit Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) Beeverpedia ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:50 (UTC)

edit Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

--Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 13:56 Dec 12 2012

edit Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) Beeverpedia ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:24 (UTC)

edit Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

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