I hereby declare myself High Lord of UnNews. All must tremble before me, lest I hit them with a dictionary. Rar! 1234~15:30, 13 September 2011
You got my vote. I'm glad to hear the News. Perhaps I should write an UnNews on this news...humm.. Cheers!--Funnybony 18:22, Sep 13
Eh, I'm the UnNews Warchief! The UnNews Sergeant! The UnNews Chieftain! The UnNews... anyway. Your 2 recent UnNews are great bro, (I nommed the Los Uncyclopedias Zetas Cartel one), just don't forget to put some links on them! I also added 2 false links and tweaked a sentence on UnNews:Amber reveals dinosaur clue, let me know if it's alright. On another note, I picked my nose and found a greenish-yellowish-purplish-brownish one, but I don't think I should talk about that. Mattsnow 15:18, September 18, 2011 (UTC)
Upon rereading UnNews:Amber reveals dinosaur clue, I think I'll nom it on VFH too if you think it's ready, you seem to be the only one to write good stuff in these troubled times where laziness is falling upon the land :D Mattsnow 15:43, September 18, 2011 (UTC)
Hi Matt, congrats on becoming the editor of Unnews. I'm in good relationship with every editor. I have a certain kind of humor which you like, but some of the other users either don't like me, my attitude or my humor, and they try to punish me in the only way they can: by not voting or by voting against my work, much like a bum walks slowly in front of your car just because they can hold you up. I'll keep writing because you and a few friends like Lyrithya, Socky, Aleister, etc., will get a laugh, and that's enough for me. My ego is not dependent on Uncyclopedia. Cheers!--Funnybony 17:54, Sep 18
Well, I didn't really want to be the watchdog at first, but it's a pretty lazy little task, just like I'm a pretty lazy little boy, so I like it. It's not a dictatorship at all, believe me! Regarding drama, it seems sometimes people rather argue and argue and cause drama and have fucking long drama-filled forums rather than writing articles! I try to steer away from that too, I'm just friends with everybody. Mattsnow 18:05, September 18, 2011 (UTC)
This could bode well. Yes. Also, I recall Spike using reasoning to decide what to put on the UnNews mainpage where... is reasoning important? 1234~18:50, 18 September 2011
Eh, Funnybony, could you wait a bit to touch the 9/11 report article? Oliphaunte just picked it up on Pee and maybe the advices are gonna spark some good ideas. I'll tell you if I am stuck with it. So forget what I said on my talk page :S. And speaking of conspiracies, did you read my latest one, MKULTRA? Mattsnow 01:03, September 20, 2011 (UTC)
Oh, it didn't have a review? Good then. Let me know if you need help. On the MKULTRA I read it but really didn't find it funny enough. That could also use more work as now it almost sounds kinda serious. But keep up the good work and I'll vote again soon. Actually, many of the gifted writers like Sog have left, and it is slim pickings on VFH these days. Some features are downright infantile and lame in my opinion - it is even getting embarrassing for me to be associated with this site. It seems to be getting more and more childish when compared to previous years. Hopefully it will improve. BTW: Are you on Facebook? Cheers!--Funnybony 09:50, Sep 20
Yes I am on FB, I am but I am reluctant to give it away here. Anyway, I almost never go on FB. I don't think the articles getting featured are all that bad, really. Mattsnow 10:11, September 20, 2011 (UTC)
As we draw closer to the close of the summer, many Uncyclopedians find themselves casting about, searching for a way to manifest their creative talents before they all have to go back to school and learn how to add up big numbers. It is therefore fitting that two competitions will be hosted this month in order to alleviate the pain in your pants.
The first is Pee Week, which began on Tuesday; this competition ran last year as well and was a great success in clearing the Pee backlog down to about 17 pages and was critically acclaimed by all 4 participants. Now, once again, all members of PEEING are summoned to the edge of the bowl to help clear a blockage which, according to RAHB, is "Backed up like a fat gerbil in a small tube". The competition this time has been started by Lyrithya; you know her, she's the crazy dame with all the wacky ideas about "Accountability" and "Standards". When asked to make a quick speech to commemorate the start of Pee Week she didn't say anything, so we made something up: "I now declare the revels open", she might have said. The rules are very simple: do reviews, wait in mounting anticipation for your review to be checked, list it here, move out of parents house, win a template, kiss a lady. It's that simple.
The other competition that loomed into view this week was the PLS, our biggest writing competition. It's so cool that some of you may wish to beat box while reading the rest of this story so you feel like you're in "da club", because that's cool, right? This competition is being hosted by a harsh spunk-chugger who had plenty to say to the UnSignpost about the PLS, but as we unfortunately have other stories to get onto this week, we cannot provide you with any of the 73 page interview. Luckily Zombiebaron was on hand to say a quick word about the PLS: "Zombiebaron".
The competition is very much the same as it has been, except this year the Best Alternate Namespace Article category has been dropped in favour of a Best Collaboration category, a controversial move due to the poor performance of such a category in previous years. ChiefjusticeDS had no comment to make about this, preferring instead to talk to our correspondent about his new book, "My Shit Life in 4,000 Pages". The competition starts on the 20th of this month, but judges are needed to judge (duh) the categories and there are still some spots available - see here for information and general blabbering about aircraft carriers and whatnot.
In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia.
"I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nannyLyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*"
The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad.
The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements, however the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS.
"I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya."
08:26, September 13, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Samt1337 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (No, sir, the Piss-off hasn't started yet. Why don't you come back in...forever.)
21:07, September 11, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (Blocks follow bans in necessary circumstances, or so the wikipedians tell me.)
10:55, September 11, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 911 minutes (NEVER FORGET those old archived forums you bumped in the name of PATRIOTISM)
Biopic of the Week
Right, big news out of the way first: nobody is the biopic this week. Hard luck; perhaps you'll be the biopic next week. This week. the UnSignpost is navel-gazing again and thanking the staff of the UnSignpost for the hard work they have put in on the UnSignpost. Who are these people? They answer questions, eat my biscuits, write the stories while I'm dancing with lorry drivers and they also eat my biscuits. They have taken up the slack admirably and we should all afford them a moment of respect. Whoever they are.
OK, that was fun. However do any of you remember the UnSignpost dog? Yes? Congratulations; you are not as daft as the UnSignpost team, because they certainly couldn't. I saw him crammed into a tiny corner of last week's issue with hardly any room to breathe, frolic or fetch. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. To make up for this unforgivable lapse he's in this issue twice.
When asked to comment, the UnSignpost dog gave this scathing indictment of the UnSignpost team: "Woof".
Hellloooo, and me be missing you. I'm on about once a week now. Things going well? Hopeth so. Have you nommed one of your pages lately?
I saw your note on my Corpsearian nom, and am wondering if you missed that it's not about eating human corpses (except the pics, and because of you I changed one of the pics to a pig) but just to counter those stupid expressions "Vegetarian" and "Vegan" (makes us sound like aliens or something when they actually mean "eating normally"). So please give it another going over if you feel so inclined. And did you know Mike Tyson became a vegan recently, as did Bill Clinton. Tyson has become the darling of TV and movies, he really is turning out to be a loved celebrity - who would have thunk it years ago when he was the monster in the closet.
Yo, here is "V" bro. I personally feel that if a subject is not in Wikipedia then it doesn't deserve to be here either. Here they stupidly argue that such and such person, band, thing, friend, etc., is not notable enough to be here, but then a puddle of shit IS no problem. Try to get THAT is Wikipedia...! Good luck. BTW: Activist Post was just crushed by the man, its gone. Kaput. Shit, this is getting gnarly, dude! How are you doing? I'll give you a call soon (morning your time). Y/bro FB--Funnybony 18:10, Sep 25
editBrought to you by Lion Bars! It's the UnSignpost!
All good things must come to an end, and so, apparently, must everything else, as Pee Week successfully concluded on Tuesday of this week, having encouraged users to complete a whole 23 reviews! This mammoth undertaking means that it now takes only 10 minutes to scroll to the bottom of the Pee queue, and truly showcased the difference the promise of a special template can bring. One of the competition rewards is a "write-up" for the winner in the UnSignpost about "Their general awesomeness". Despite having attempted to explain that we don't do nice write-ups here and offering to publicly rubbish the families and friends of the winner instead, we eventually agreed to provide said write-up in return for a week's supply of Lion Bars. I mean, Lion Bars! I didn't even know you could get them in shops any more! If you break them in half it's like a Lion's Mouth, I mean it's like "ROOOOAR"!
Anyway, so as we sat down, with a week's supply of Lion Bars, no less, to prepare this "glowing write-up" (which we were only doing because we got free Lion Bars). We thought it might be prudent to find out who had won Pee Week, and it turns out that the big winner is Frosty. Well, not really; we're the real winners because we got free Lion Bars. However, assuming success is not measured in Lion Bars (which it is), Frosty has indeed won.
Frosty is a truly spiffing chap whose ability to Pee is only surpassed by his ability to eat Lion Bars; we do after all have a week's supply of Lion Bars so we could afford to share some with him. Frosty completed 6 in-depth reviews over the course of Pee Week, all of which we are sure were thoughtful, interesting and well-written. When asked to comment on his success, Frosty had this to say: "Well of course, it wasn't about the rewards and recognition, it was about- are those Lion Bars?"
All the other people we interviewed about Frosty all told us he was fantastic, but he was quickly forgotten when our interviewees discovered that we had a sack full of Lion Bars with us and they only lapsed into further raptures of joy when we revealed that you can snap Lion Bars in half and roar. There you have it: Frosty is pretty awesome for winning Pee Week, but not quite as awesome as a week's supply of Lion Bars.
Editor's note: Whether or not this is considered a "glowing" write-up is neither here nor there; we have an expert (kindly referred to us by the good people at Lion Bars) who is prepared to testify that this story is 200% more cheerful than usual. The editor would also like to thank everyone who was involved in Pee Week for their hard work in helping to clear the Pee queue.
You all love the forums right? Of course you do; everyone loves a good shout (IN CAPS!) and a spot of drama. So this week the UnSignpost has checked out the forums to tell you what is really going on on Uncyclopedia. First up is the most important news - the Poo Lit Surprise started on Tuesday and we have dispatched our roving reporters to the competition in order to interview participants, write stories and other journalistic stuff you wouldn't understand. We understand that the competition is expecting record turnout this year, with six articles submitted at the time of going to press. Six! Next you'll be telling us that people vote on VFP more than once every six months and that more than two people know how to use the new abuse filter.
The other fascinating topic in the forum is that of the sidebar. You see it there at the side? Well that's the sidebar, clue's in the name. Basically Lyrithya thinks the sidebar is unacceptable; there are just too many links on it. The solution? Voting and lots of it; with 45 voting headers in the forum at the time of going to press, even Uncyclopedia's mostavidvoters will be able to get their daily voting fix here. The UnSignpost invites users to go over and create their very own voting header and vote for that as that seems to be exactly what everyone else is doing. Assuming Uncyclopedia hasn't disappeared in some kind of voting singularity by next week, the UnSignpost will be here to explain to you exactly what is going on with the sidebar, something which at the moment is being shaped almost solely by Mattsnow, Aimsplode and TheHappySpaceman, with occasional input from Zombiebaron and Socky. We don't think we need to explain to you why this is not right.
08:32, September 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Joebloe334 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Wait, I don't get it. Don't your poorly-manicured enormous Jew claws hurt the black men's enormous dongs? Eh. To each their own, I suppose.)
11:55, September 18, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked PuppyOnTheRadio (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 324 seconds (saw you on Twitter, existing. This riled me. So I'm banning you. Fair?)
09:23, September 15, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked David 1981 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I hope you realize that 95% of computers come with a free version of solitare)
15:01, September 19, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (U MAD @ HAVING NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE ONLY TIRED INTERNET MEMES AND A TOTAL LACK OF CREATIVITY WHICH YOU MASK WITH YOU PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT TROLLING, BRAH?)
Well, as you all know, the UnSignpost has a very special place for Biopic of the week, namely somewhere that isn't in the UnSignpost. As for the last two weeks we have avoided biopicing an actual person, preferring to biopic chairs, dogs and a picture instead. Well, no more, because this week we are taking a closer look at TheSlyFox. He's been around since 2006 but didn't pick up his first ban until this year which, we believe, means he is a troublemaker, a villain and a cad. All people of quality are banned within their first year. Worse, he didn't subscribe to the UnSignpost until this year either. He has written a few articles and his greatest achievement is the creation of this template.
Truly this man is the greatest mystery Uncyclopedia has to offer; nobody knows who he is or what he does, but one thing's for certain: if he isn't nominating your favourite images to be burned in Forest Fire Week, he's quietly working away at an article or voting on the voting pages. You know, just like you should all be doing. Good work, TheSlyFox, but we want at least two featured articles before December or we're removing the second paragraph of this biopic, don't think we won't.
To you know who you are: I still have your dog. I know I already said you won't ever see her again, but I've changed my mind - if you ever want to see her again, there is one thing you can do for me. Give me your other dog. Or a Lion Bar.
Hey, Matt! Okay, I did a bit of editing...hope it is for the better. Otherwise just revert. Cheers!--Funnybony 12:32, Sep 24
I reverted, sorry, I liked the closing joke! OK, I'll send you an e-mail! Mattsnow 12:48, September 24, 2011 (UTC)
Hey bro, did you get my e-mail? Mattsnow 11:27, September 26, 2011 (UTC)
Yes, I did thanks. Did you receive my replies? Cheers!--Funnybony 10:52, Sep 27
Yep, I've got them. All 4 of them. I'll answer there. Mattsnow 10:57, September 27, 2011 (UTC)
They were in my spambox!!! That's why I didn't see them. It happens sometimes. I cleared you as an existing person lol. We were lucky I didn't trash the spambox. Mattsnow 11:05, September 27, 2011 (UTC)
edit Hold onto your wage packets! It's the UnSignpost!
What's that you say? We can't possibly run a story on the Poo Lit Surprise for a third consecutive week? Well what on earth gave you that idea? No this story is about the other goings on on Uncyclopedia that certainly aren't the Poo Lit Surprise, which incidentally is happening at the moment. So for absolutely no real reason we called in to speak to Oliphaunte who we found crying his eyes out somewhere that most certainly wasn't the PLS. "It's just so unfair" he sobbed to our wholly unsympathetic reporters "I worked so hard and now on a technicality I have had two articles disqualified from the-" Unfortunately a huge Rhinocerous then appeared from nowhere and ate Oliphaunte before he could tell us what he had been disqualified from; much to the delight of our assembled reporters who could all now knock off work forty minutes early. However an interesting fact that we did dig up is that if Oliphaunte had been disqualified from the PLS, something which we can't confirm, it would make him the first Uncyclopedian to ever be disqualified from two separate PLS categories, for the same reason, in the same day. Ha ha ha, how embarrassing that would be.
It has also come to the attention of our editorial team that there is a worrying noob shortage on Uncyclopedia, how do they know this? They know this because on passing the PLS page on our way to... peace and quiets we happened to notice that there are currently no entrants for the best noob article category, something which any aspiring new users should take note of, since you need only churn out a piece of utter shite quality in order to scoop the prize and earn the adoration of your peers. For those who are interested in trifling, uninteresting and unrelated news, PLS articles are being accepted until the 4th of October so there is still ample time for you to pen some kind of hilarious article about a Dog called Dover who rides a cloud around the world and combats the environmental effects of Globalisation with a magical beret.
This story has been all about the PLS, we totally fooled you.
The headline says it all. The shame that we all should feel for the state of things and the location of that shame. This is the news that VFH hit a new and highly interesting low this week. All five of you who visited the page may well have noticed the banner at the top (which is gone now, in a transparent attempt to stop me having something else to ramble about this week) declaring that while we aren't short on articles that the community thinks are worthy of a spot on the front page, we are short of a community to confirm this. Well no we aren't it's just they are all very very busy. Frosty for instance is exceptionally busy creating and maintaining forums like this, while Aimsplode is still desperately flogging the deceased equine that is this... thing. Clearly these people are not to be distracted by the social niceties of voting and the creative process.
Another, much more interesting revelation this week came when TheHappySpaceman declared his hatred of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" which polls show has recently become more popular among Uncyclopedians than www.pornforsadlonelybastards.com. We didn't bother asking him for comment, partly because laziness is next to Godliness but also because he hates ponies so is unlikely to find a group of journalists asking him for quotes about the same any more enjoyable. So there you have it, TheHappySpaceman hates ponies and nobody is voting on VFH. Truly these are the darkest of days.
19:27, September 24, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (If you're going to blank a page, just edit the entire page and remove everything. Doing it section by section is just silly.)
16:28, September 27, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Swagswagswag (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (One day for being chronically unfunny, the rest of it because I just don't like you. Your eyes are too close together.)
21:33, September 26, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Uncyclopedia is not for self promotion. Neither is Wikipedia, but I guess they haven't figured it out yet or something.)
18:42, September 23, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Let us have a massive rave covered in excrement. In fact I'm going to have one now. On my own. With glowsticks!)
Biopic of the Week
I kissed a lady once. On an unrelated note you should really check out Jack Phoenix's userpage. It's pretty cool.
This periodical fully accepts and affirms that this is a cop-out. We just ate too many Lion Bars you see. I didn't even think that was possible.
Thing we should all know this week.
04:25 Uncyclopedia talk:Votes for deletion (diff|hist) . . (+8) . . Bizzeebeever (Talk|contribs) (RANT ALERT: Once again, fixing my broken signature, and hoping no one notices.)
Well obviously people are getting sick of hearing about it (because ChiefjusticeDS has done nothing but blab about it for the past 3 issues, thus making it dull and boring by the time it is actually worth mentioning), but the bi-annual Uncyclopedia:Poo Lit Surprise is locked for judging and shall be until the 12th, when the winner will be announced!
I have to say, as a judge, there are some pretty aspiring, feature worthy works being displayed and it really bring out the best of Uncyclopedia. But then again, some works don't look like they are quite finished and the 2 weeks have simply flown past for some of the hopefuls. I am also disappointed that our n00bs where two n00bish to actually include any entries except for one, which has subsequently won without any effort. Anyway I'm pretty sure we know who has the best article and will therefore win the whole ordeal.
But really, what will become of all this? Further proof that all Uncyclopedians are a series of monkeys on typewriters? Or some top notch quality humor for the enjoyment of all and enough features to fill the queue until Christmas? Well I'm going to play it by ear, and wait until the judging part is over and done with. Because as far as I can see if our writers are as competent at our judges, there is no hope what so ever.
But this of course makes us all wonder where the hell the lad has been for the last couple of years, after all he only made a groundbreaking 6 edits in 2010. So why the hell has his sad domestic life become more important than us suddenly? Well the truth is, he's got a wife or something as far as I've been told told over IRC and so he is probably more preoccupied with the better things in life, rather than some sad little websites full of people who can't write to save their lives.
Oh yeah, because wikia is all bright 'n'all, we're going to be losing our talk pages for some fancy pants message walls kind of like facebook. Users have expressed outrage to this, in the form of angry forums, flame wars, letter bombs and urban terrorism. I don't blame 'em either, this is just plain unacceptable, I have a list there of people that owe me money!
07:37, September 30, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 300 seconds (Rasputin, bring forth the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers)
08:01, October 2, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Nothing better than sitting down to a nice big plate of penis in the evening)
02:51, October 3, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Lollipop (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wanted me deopped... )
01:09, October 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked PIGGY (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a frying pan. Yep. (I can see those button eyes. They might fool the people at the button club, but not me. I stopped going to that place years ago.)
04:21, October 6, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked An eggplant (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Lyrithya sock)
22:30, October 6, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Scofield (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I'm sure your stay would have been more smooth if you tried as hard to contribute to the site as you do to vandalize it.)
Biopic of the Week
This week's biopic is Pee review. Many of you who participated in Pee Week recently have not done a review since then. Please get reviewing again, so that we don't have a huge back log to review and Lyrithya doesn't start flailing all over the place again. This writer has done one this month and plans to do another once he delivers the UnSignpost.
"UnNews:Three days after Steve Jobs' death, devotees await his resurrection". Yes, it's obvious. But I dare ya. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Oct 8 '11 11:10 (UTC)
Hi Bizzee, good idea, please go for it. Cheers--Funnybony 12:08, Oct 8
I can't, I'm busy writing poop jokes for another article. That's why I gave it to you! :) ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sat, Oct 8 '11 12:11 (UTC)
I can't because it's too obviously corny. And I'm busy digging a hole to prepare for the middle east nuke exchange coming up which will bring martial law on us both. Heads down, bro! Otherwise you could get the poop scared out of you for real. Keep up the good work, though, as long as the Internet is still up. Cheers!--Funnybony 12:24, Oct 8
BTW: My 14 year old son thinks Uncyclopedia is dippy and childish, having outgrown fart jokes at the age of 9. In stead he is busy constructing nifty earthscrapers with "Mine Craft" - little knowing that WWIII will not take place on line. And he's not about to listen to his square rock star dad. I mean, get real! Cheers!--Funnybony 12:54, Oct 8
He my main man. How is your summer coming to an end? Do you live in the humid and sweaty part of the Phillipines or the sweaty humid area? :):):)
You're still spitting out around one good news story a week! Polished, timely and funny! Where ever do you get the time, inspiration and creativity? --ShabiDOO 13:16, October 8, 2011 (UTC)
Hey Shabi, nope, I've never visited the Philippines in my life. But its kinda rainy here in the Kingdom of Siam, if you please, and even if you don't please. I try to make my articles about important subjects, like Jack Dempsey or William Westmoreland, you know, notable subjects that also exist on Wikipedia, rather than cub scout jokes. And for news I aim at irony-in-truth, rather than girl scout jokes. Honestly, my son is 14 and he thinks Uncyclopedia is totally corny - really! Where do I get the creative energy to do 100 things at once? Fuck if I know. You have to ask Aleister about that one. Keep up the good fun. As long as you can, because come a time and it may no longer even be possible, I reckon! Cheers!!--Funnybony 13:46, Oct 8
I suppose there could be one of two possibilities. Either corporations become so hysterical about their image that uncyclopedia is totally shut down in one split second...or there is a backlash against the hyper manufacturing of image and we can go on treating people who take themselves too seriously as idiots :) It's why I've written a couple articles about uncyclopedia itself, because you should be your own biggest victim if you really believe in parody :) Do you write in other platforms? I once went to a giant Thai supermarket in Singapore and bought some super delicious stuff...and turned around running away screaming at a few other things ;) The value of diversity!! --ShabiDOO 13:55, October 8, 2011 (UTC)
And he entered the temple upon his horseless chariot and drove out those who sold, 46 popping a wheelie unto them and saying, "It is written, 'My house shall be a place where we can ride without getting hassled by the man,' but you have made it a den of robbers."
Thanks for the vote on Ghostwriter!-- 15:44, October 11, 2011 (UTC)
Sure thing, Doc. A real good one.--Funnybony 16:43, Oct 11
Where have I gone, Joe DiMaggio. Miss your wit and wisdom. Sighs. Chuckles. Makes doo doo. Cries into beer. Aleister 18:28 14-10-'11
I haven't gone, bro. And I always miss you. I still think our Dempsey article is one of the best ever. I'm just a bit worried now because there are serious floods in this country, and false flags in USA seem to me giving the green light to Is-real. If nothing happens in the next 2 weeks I'll be greatly relieved. Do you get the emails I send you? Hang tough, bro, I'm on your side all the sway. Stay well, more soon.--Funnybony 18:57, Oct 14
Yer ridin' the fine line between being a subtle dick and being an overt dick over on VFH. Tone down them aggressive reasons and be constructive. --TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 22:48, October 15, 2011 (UTC)
Is this MY talk page? If so then the purport of the above is to be a "pussy" and vote for Froggy--Funnybony 23:30, Oct 15
I don't care even if you copied an actual news article verbatim-et-literatim and just changed five strategic words. The concept of UnNews:Paralyzed race car driver crashes, burns was terrific, the execution was better. It's a silly move to vote against your own article, anyway. If you really hate it, because you think it isn't up to your usual standards of avant-garde humor, just abstain and let the shaved apes vote it onto the front page. You will have made them a mockery of themselves — and totally made yourself the Andy Warhol of Uncyclopedia. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Sun, Oct 16 '11 10:36 (UTC)
Hi Bizzee, I appreciate your Nom. And I enjoyed writing that news. But it is not one I would ever try to Nom. And I actually don't think it long enough or substantial enough to be a front page feature. If someone else wrote it I wouldn't nom it nor vote it to be an FA. I certainly don't hate it. It's just a quick joke. I'm here for the fun because its a format I finally know how to use, and I'm getting a good collection of silly one-two-three liners. I'm glad you enjoy them. If we tell a joke and someone laughs that is all the reward there is to parody. And its a good reward because laughing is healthy. So keep up the good jokes.
As far as Froggy being anything I really have no idea who or what he is in real life, or even what he looks like or does, but whenever he Noms or writes an article I like I always vote FOR, and have voted for him many times, and I will continue to vote FOR the ones I think are good for an FA. If it seems like I vote against him more that is just because he noms many, many more articles than most people and some of them I don't think are FA worthy. Many of my own articles, especially Unnews are too short to be featured and I rarely nom them. Out of over 400 UnNews I only have one that was ever featured, and it was one that I didn't think that much of compared to some others. Essentially I just don't think UnNews by anyone are really articles, per say, and few are rarely qualified as an FA - at least in my opinion. We hardly ever find a news story as a feature article on Wikipedia, and that's where I came from. But thanks again for the kind words. And I'll keep writing funny ones as long I can think of a funny angle on a news. I already have a new one ready on the Israel prisoner trade off. Hope you like it. But it doesn't deserve an FA nom. Just a laugh. Cheers!--Funnybony 12:09, Oct 16
edit Allah/God/Yahweh (pick one) thanks you for your VFH vote
Over the past two weeks Uncyclopedia has been a dreary and empty place. Uncyclopedians flit through the corridors unseeing, unknowing, unfeeling, uncaring. The reason? The UnSignpost has missed two issues. Now the UnSignpost would like to apologise for this, we would like to say that it was because Capitalist demonstrators have been camped outside our offices demanding that we stop producing terrible material for nothing, but we cannot because they aren't. We don't even have an office so if that were true it would be something of an achievement. No it is the blight that has caused the fall of so many UnSignpost editors: laziness and life. Like the Grim Reaper in Final Destination they stalk you from the second you write an issue and then, when you least expect it, they strike all of a sudden you have priorities and you can't be arsed to complete any of them, which would be a problem, if you could be arsed to care.
But fear not normal service has now resumed and the UnSignpost will be making its way to talk pages again this Thursday, which should please all four of the people who are A: active enough to read the UnSignpost, B: Not members of the editorial team who have read it already and C: Haven't read it while it is being written.
The other big news from approximately two weeks ago is that the Poo Lit Surprise is finished, much to the delight of everyone. The big winners were of course Uncyclopedia and the creative process, there are no losers on Uncyclopedia after all, only the sad pathetic freaks who come in last. Of course they do not stand comparison to the biggest loser of all; the 11th Poo Lit Surprise chairperson ChiefjusticeDS who had quite a lot to say about the competition, happily we have managed to condense all of the 4 hour interview down to 8 words: "I was very glad to host the PLS".
The real winners, besides the creative process, Uncyclopedia, Jesus and Democracy, are listed here. Special mention must go to Black flamingo11 for winning both Best Article and Best Collaboration (with Lyrithya) and also for being the runner up in the Best Rewrite category. Black flamingo had this to say about his incredible success: "SQUAWK", you can also listen to his full reaction just here, he's in the third row, fourth from the right.
As assorted drama unfolds around our beloved Wiki, it should be noted that some people have foolishly returned to the site, passing up the opportunity for a lucrative career milking cows or watching sheep. They have returned, we assume, for the simple fun of writing funny articles, the fools.
Such bipolar candidates include everyone's favourite opiate Codeine. Try not to get his heart rate above 90 which, coincidentally, is his estimated age. His doctor told us in an exclusive interview that he may not make it if he so much as stands for more than 3 consecutive minutes, and that his obsessive "Anniversary" edits may hint as being a first grade of dementia. UnSignpost statisticians (yes really) have also calculated that this is the 15th time Codeine has returned to the wiki this year.
At the other extreme of the sanity spectrum. Nikau who came back to the wiki with a vengeance: clogging up Recent Changes, writing 4 articles at the same time while doing Pee Reviews and drinking around 40 cans of Red Bull per hour in order to keep up the frantic pace. It is believed that he edits the wiki on 3 separate computers at the same time: two with his hands and one with his toes. He would probably do even more if it would not mean that he would be persistently edit conflicting himself.
The community is really grateful for the return of such marvellous dinosaurs and decided to organize a Rhinoceros BBQ in their honour. Friday at <insert name here>'s house. Please bring your own dancing girls or we'll have to use Olipro and Mhaille again, and nobody has quite recovered after last time yet.
16:46, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:45, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Not being Zombiebaron)
16:44, October 20, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 4 days (Not being Zombiebaron)
13:17, October 18, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) (It's because I'm a filthy Jew right?)
01:05, October 19, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Congratulations. Even though my web browser is a massive pile of slow right now, I have still managed to ban you. Doesn't that make you feel special?)
Biopic of the Week
Is this a pair of pants I see before me? It certainly is because this week the UnSignpost has shaped up, pulled it's finger out and gotten down to it in order to give HauntedUndies a thorough licking. But not in that way. For those of you who do not know HauntedUndies has been knocking about Uncyclopedia since May and in that time has proved himself a worthy UnNews reporter. Now we here at the UnSignpost are far too professional to get bogged down complaining about the lazy tossers who work over at UnNews and will simply say that if HauntedUndies enjoys bathing, not being racist and sleeping with ladies then he won't find very many friends over there. You've probably read some of his stuff if you are the sort of foul-mouthed bigot who enjoys UnNews. No disrespect to you HauntedUndies but it's like you're best friends with Hitler.
Now get out there and bring us more featured articles or you'll be very sorry indeed. Also we don't really hate the folks over at UnNews, so feel free to hang out there as much as you like, but don't come crying to us when you end up with some sort of infection.
Confessions from Recent Changes
"I'm a huge Tarantino fan. There, I said it." - Magic man
"This wiki has turned into shit. Please delete this account as I shall never be coming back here" - IsileK
"DURRR I JSUT DICSOVERED UNCYECLIPOEDIA OSCAR WILDE SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!111" - Roman Dog Bird
Money, dosh, moolah, cash. It's the time of year when Wikipedia pastes a gigantic banner to the top of all of their pages hosting a link to an inspirational article penned by Wikia-Oberstgruppenführer Jimbo Wales (not to be confused with Uncyclopedian JimboTheKillerWhale). The text of this article usually runs along these lines: "Isn't Wikipedia wonderful? Yes it is. Now if you donate the small sum of £300 we can keep it looking nice and won't have to send it back to its parents in tiny pieces". This is an absolute disgrace. It's like they're holding Wikipedia to ransom; if I wanted to pay for information I'd move to Nazi Germany, assuming I had a time machine, obviously.
How does this affect us here on our own benighted wiki? Well, the logged-in among you may well have paused to examine the banner that has been pasted all over the site notice this past week, at least you will have done before you hid it and carried on with whatever it is you people do all day. Predictably Lyrithya, never one to be swayed by the crippling apathy of the Uncyclopedia userbase, has suggested that we all try and create our own banners. Evidently she isn't swayed by the crippling ineptitude of the Uncyclopedia userbase either.
Now we'll be brutally honest, the UnSignpost doesn't have a template critic and the current editorial staff aren't really sure how the UnSignpost itself works; we just fill in the boxes. However, as seasoned UnSignpost readers are no doubt aware, ignorance never stands in the way of good journalism, so having affixed berets to our monitors and incredibly condescending and disgusted looks to our faces, we decided to examine the submissions so far. First up is this one, which was made by Magic man in 2010, which brings a certain authority to the piece... we assume. However we simply cannot countenance the font, which makes it look like it was written by a spider on rollerskates. Go back and try again, Magic man, and get a haircut as well.
The next choice offering came from the pen of EpicAwesomeness, and here it is. We sat down with EpicAwesomeness so he could talk us through the allegorical significance of the piece: "Well, you know, it has Wikipedia in it, you know, because I was just like trying to capture the fact Wikipedia is in it, you know?" he droned at our slack-jawed reporter. "There's, you know, some italics to prove I'm, like, sophisticated, and some blood to show I'm deep, it's my blood, I like to be in all my work. The background is a mix of my-" Alas, the recording of the interview ends there to the sound of gagging and retching, so we can only imagine what the background of EpicAwesomeness's banner is a mix of. Lollipop's offering is this interesting piece which expresses his desire to sodomise dogs. On an unrelated note the UnSignpost dog will not be appearing in this issue.
The only other offering has come from an IP. We here at the UnSignpost are united in our delight at its subtlety and in raptures at its wit and elegance. Just kidding; the pictures are wrong, the text is wrong and I've never seen a template name so flawed. For your chance to critique the honest endeavours of other Uncyclopedians, visit the forum here. Or don't; visit the official page instead and remain untainted.
The forums have once again become the stage for what looks set to become one of the more exciting votes of the year. Thekillerfroggy has suggested that awards are becoming devalued when they are being handed out after voting from only one or two people. Naturally the solution is a quota of some sort, that or we drag the unused awards out to the square and beat them to death as an example to the others. This obviously comes as something of a blow to our plans to introduce an UnSignpost Editor of the Month award, which we wouldn't announce to anyone and would award to the most deserving amongst us every week until Judgement Day.
The vote appears to be getting some support, indeed the forum has gotten more votes in two days (8 at time of going to press) than Playwright of the Month has managed to accrue so far this year (5 at the time of going to press). This leads us to suggest that instead of implementing its recommendations we simply create a new award, Policy Changing Forum of the Month, since as Thekillerfroggy so eloquently suggests "If you build it they will come". And so they will, TKF, assuming of course that you're building some kind of wank machine.
The forum link is hanging about in the "Check out these pages" section, cleverly masquerading as a link. If you can't find your way to the correct forum with these instructions then we don't think you deserve to have a say. You big stupid-head.
00:14, October 29, 2011 Haydrahlienne (Talk | contribs) blocked A filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite
04:03, October 29, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Sorry, old chap... but you're proving quite the caterpillar in our buttermilk)
23:03, October 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS is a filthy jew (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (He's also a fantastic swimmer, and if you play your cards right then he just might coooome round for dinner!)
00:05, November 2, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (your resemblance to tom jones does not intrigue me)
19:37, November 1, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 weeks (Somebody needs a nap and some juice)
Biopic of the Week
Now we here at the UnSignpost don't often do requests; if we did, the editorial staff would have had to commit seppuku on no less than four occasions or would presently be suffering a lifetime of slavery on Cuban sugar plantations. However this week we will be addressing a complex and dynamic issue at the behest of Sycamore and Orian57. Namely, why aren't they in the UnSignpost more often and could we maybe consider putting them in the UnSignpost more often?
For the few of you who are unfamiliar with Sycamore he's the most newsworthy Uncyclopedian around. At least, that's what he told us. He's even more newsworthy than that guy over there, who seems to make it into the UnSignpost just about every other week. His past successes include being fae bonnie Scotland, being the writer of several featured articles and the adopter of several noobs. He hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he has been editing a little bit less and because when he is around he has generally been getting on with writing, voting and reverting, all things which will never get you into the UnSignpost. Ever.
Orian57 hasn't been in the UnSignpost because he's gay. He did have features on three consecutive days once, but that was so long ago all this was just fields.
This edition of the UnSignpost has an awful lot of them. Well done us.
We never got to finish our UnBook. You were one of the top writers I wanted to collab with. --PLEBSIRLollipop(TALK) - updated on 7 November 2011, at 19:59
Funnybony turns up every now and then, but yeah, nowhere near enough. Some say he'll be back in 2012. Or was that Our Messiah? Or are they the same person? --BlackFlamingo 20:25, November 7, 2011 (UTC)
There's plenty for the UnSignpost to talk about this week so, naturally, we have decided not to talk about any of it. Instead we are going to tell you about the issues, the real issues, the ones that they don't want you to know about. Issue number one is that the cabal chairperson for November: Zombiebaron has, and not everybody knows this, instructed the administrative body to ban everyone in the world. You can see that it's happening. I mean, does it not seem strange to you that every time there's some kind of vandalism at some point an administrator just happens to turn up? Are you with us? True anarchists should be sure to pick up their copy of "If you can't revert it, kick it to death" when it comes out on UnTunes.
Another issue that they don't want you to know is that we appear to have another VFS fast approaching, which for the experienced among you also means four weeks worth of UnSignposts following the VFS. This is news which pleases our editor greatly as it will just about take him through to the stage where he can fill at least half of every issue with mince pie banter and can continue to drop into a stupor every Thursday without fear of missing another UnSignpost. The page is a melting pot of passive aggressive wankery mixed in with pessimism. We won't be quoting any of it here unfortunately, our wankery license got revoked after we ran that Conservapedia issue.
Electrified mocha chinchilla has also hit the forums this week objecting to constant changes to the site notice. Something which should be secondary in importance to the fact that the vast majority of the userbase don't seem to have noticed, clearly we need a new site notice, possibly one that sits in the middle of the screen and runs away when you try to close it.
Lyrithya has closed her fund-raising forum, having raised no money whatsoever, this correspondent isn't quite sure whether she understands what you when you fund-raise, and also would like to suggest she runs a car wash next time she wants to raise some cash. She closed the forum by saying "Thank you all for your efforts. Unfortunately blah blah blah...". Disgruntled banner creators are strongly encouraged not to hunt Lyrithya down and "Gut her like a stuck Pig", but obviously if such a thing were to happen it would not only provide great publicity for the wiki, but also would provide UnSignpost material for at least three months.
On the topic of UnSignpost material, the editorial team would like to celebrate an entire year at the helm of the UnSignpost. A year, over the course of which, only two issues have been missed. Thanks must go to Frosty, Lyrithya and anyone else who picked up the slack on weeks when the editor wasn't doing the job he should have been. Thanks also to the subscribers, without you we'd just be sticking this on Mhaille's talk page every week. I'm so pleased to have been a part of this that I've bought you all this small box of chocolates, to share, and I've bought myself this giant golden Camel because... well... I need it.
There is a group of people, cool people. These cool people do cool things like collaborate on articles monthly and... well, actually, that's all they really do. But they're cool while doing it! These cool people are so very cool that they have a section on the main page devoted to them and their very own Uncyclopedia: namespace page. I know what you're thinking, "Who are these people, and where can I get one of their autographs?" Well, I'll tell you. These cool people that I'm referring to are the gang over at Imperial Colonization (That's right, kids, I'm on the list. One at a time, please. Don't worry, everybody, I have enough ink to sign everyone's foreheads and babies and such).
Unfortunately, a terrible thing has happened to the cool kids at IC. Their section on the main page has ben hidden away between <!------------ ------------------------------ -->'s, their Uncyclopedia: namespace page hasn't been edited since July, and, worst of all, dare I say it? Their coolness has worn off. I know, it's pretty bad. Now that the IC crew is lacking in coolness, they haven't been seen collaborating on an article together in months and they've been having the same vote since October... in 2010. The situation is starting to get dire.
We here at the UnSignpost are far too lazy to actually interview anybody, so we just decided to try and interview ourselves. But we kept missing our appointments, with ourselves. We wanted to interview Chief, but he was far to busy with "real life" to talk to us on the matter, whatever that means. We tried interviewing Magic man, but he wouldn't talk to us about IC because he said, "If you talk to yourself, you'll get people to think you're crazy." What a weirdo. And we didn't even bother contacting Frosty because we don't like him. So when all was said and done, the only actual person we interviewed wasn't even alive at the time. It was Zombiebaron, and I bet you can guess what he said. However, if we had interviewed anybody who had more that one word in their vocabulary, we imagine some of those words might be words like 'bad', 'unacceptable', 'disappointing', and maybe even, *Gulp*, 'uncool'.
So Imperial Colonization, if you're reading this, this is a call to action. Go finish that vote that's been going on far too long now, and collaborate on an article, already! That's right, you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about getting my your cool back.
23:59, November 7, 2011 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ("small dick in his pants that is purple with green.")
12:59, November 5, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked I will blank moar pages (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (What's this button do? Whoops!)
01:01, November 6, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK SUCK COCK)
04:51, November 5, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (i'll lemony you right in the snicket)
18:19, November 3, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite (Claims to be a tor exit node)
01:40, November 4, 2011 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (It's meant to be BS, numbnuts; it's a comedy site. lrn2read.)
Biopic of the Week
His name is Iwritewhatiwant. Possibly. We aren't sure and neither is he/she/it. Naturally the UnSignpost completed all the necessary research to write a biopic and certainly didn't have to keep refering back to his userpage while writing. He of the strange username joined us at the start of September and now as he enters his third month one thing has become clear to all of us. He doesn't want to write anything all that often. Oh the raptures we slip into when he touches his quill to the parchment and makes words appear, the prose, the paragraphs, the lack of vowels... it's something to behold.
His achievements have included beating Rcmurphy to Noob of the Month, scooping the Best Noob Article in the PLS and molesting anybody who comes within 6 feet of him. We went through about 17 correspondents to get this biopic, the rest of them are probably locked in a warehouse somewhere being forced to writewhathewants. In which case the joke is on him since most of them can barely speak, let alone write. So congratulations Iwritewhatiwant you are officially an evil, slave-driving freak of nature and that's why we love you.
This begs the question: With all of these innovations to make life here on Earth so luxurious, why the FUCK have we not invented WIDER FUCKING HALLWAYS?! The ongoing battle with the narrow hallway continues to be fought by us hard-working civilians, day after day, and doesn't look to have an end in sight. This fight is not only against the severe crampedness of such passages, but against the barrage of personages we are forced to encounter walking through them every day. Read the full report here.
Newsroom UnTune of the week (Anniversary Special!)*
Now it would be very easy for the UnSignpost to devote yet another issue of the year to covering the VFS and the voting on the same, the interviews with the candidates, the scores, the numbers, the lunches with the bureaucrats, and Sycamore shaking his head slowly as he despairs at the futility of it all.
So we will.
It's VFS time again! Voting was opened on Sunday by Zombiebaron with a pair of massive scissors. As he prepared to cut the ribbon he turned to the assembled masses and, wiping a tear from his eye, announced, "Zombiebaron"; naturally the crowd went wild. The early nominations flooded in: everyone who was anyone seemed to garner a nomination, as well as several peoplewho aren't people at all. Two users have distanced themselves from the pack: Black flamingo11, the noire gregarious wading bird who has captured Uncyclopedia's imagination with his endless flows of witty prose and his avoidance of all forms of drama, has stacked up twenty-two fresh crispy votes. In order to best sum up his thoughts on being nominated, we've decided to hack up anything he has said on the VFS page and arrange it into a more suitable order: "What a nice old man his socks are. I would make a terrific admin. I'm my first choice." You heard it here first and, hilariously, so did he.
The other contender is Romartus, with twenty votes. Uncyclopedia's voting machine and general history boffin had this to say to the UnSignpost: "Perhaps too young. Excellent." He probably isn't a paedophile but if you are concerned, then why not write to us at: "Save The children, The UnSignpost". We'll get them, by which we mean your letters, not the children. Other contenders are Frosty with seven votes, PIGGY with nine and Sycamore, who has eight. As VFS hurtles towards its final round, we here at the UnSignpost are on the edge of our seats and we hope you will be too.
The other news is that it is once again time for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, described by liars as "A celebration and carnival of sublime writing" and by others as "A wretched hive of scum and villainy". Ringmaster Host of the competition for this year is Mhaille, who has started a forum asking for judges. Judging is fun and improves your sex life in 94% of cases, so why not get involved?
Eyes forward everyone! It's all about to kick off!
Discussions began in the forum this week. Well of course they did, after all that is what a forum is for. However one particular discussion is over the removal of the rule against nominating your own articles for VFH without a pee review. Uncharacteristically for a discussion on Uncyclopedia about an aspect of Uncyclopedia, everyone appeared to be in agreement. The brains behind the idea, if brains is the right word, is Uncyclopedia's very own deputy innovator Lyrithya, who would like nothing more than to see the good ship Uncyclopedia sink below the ocean of crap because Uncyclopedians were far too busy hanging their appalling articles off it to notice this analogy breaking down. Unsportingly the forum was started the day before the UnSignpost was due to be delivered last week and thus everything that we have said so far is hideously out of date. The rule has already been removed and no, we didn't want your opinion; you'd have just slowed progress down with your so-called "questions" and "concerns".
The other news for this week is that Zombiebaron has figured out how to raise our edit count by over 9000! His solution is to simply delete 15,000 articles by Christmas because... well, because it would be tremendous fun. Also because Dr. Skullthumper, who isn't a real doctor, made some statistics that showed that we had most edits when we had 15,000 articles, so deleting 15,000 to bring us back to around 15,000 will, logically, produce more edits, mostly, we fear, from people complaining that we have deleted 15,000 pages without asking. Anyone wishing to participate in Zombiebaron's Time Travelling Article Removal and Edit Count Revival Event (that's easy to remember because it spells TTARECRE) should assemble, with their time machines, a week last Tuesday to be given their instructions twenty minutes earlier.
From our logs Under user bans the other admins special!):
08:16, August 22, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds (in my country, it is a tradition that on the penultimate monday of august, we ban someone with an allcaps name. a bit obscure, but there you go.)
12:49, June 19, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 132 seconds (you are my all-time favourite fascist dictator)
15:17, April 6, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 30 seconds (why hello there, handsome)
07:48, January 29, 2011 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Rcmurphy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 23 seconds (who the fuck are you, and what makes you think you can "write" an "article", eh?)
10:28, December 25, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 143 seconds (Merry thing you don't celebrate old chap! Hope the presents you didn't get would have been fantastic!)
10:33, December 15, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Chronarion (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 119 seconds (A man, a plan, a canal, and then you filled in the canal with silly-putty.)
09:31, December 1, 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 weeks 4 days 5 hours 6 seconds (*looks through ban log* - dear god, I've never banned Zombiebaron, he must feel so left out! I must rectify this at once.)
Memorial of the Week
By now you have probably heard the terrible news, or at least seen the huge black manhole cover hats he made us all wear. Under user has left the fold and ventured onward to pastures new. Under user came into this world on the fifth of July 2007 and since then he has written articles, pee reviewed more articles than you have ever read , edited the UnSignpost for months on end and chopped more potatoes than the Irish ever did. The esteemed Under user requested that his administrator status be removed earlier this week and Thekillerfroggy generously excused him from the farewell de-bagging in the canteen. He has stated his intention to continue reading the featured articles which, to be honest, makes him more active than most of the active users. Confusion also reigns over the fate of the annual mince pie race, which, without its founder and annual winner, may not take place, much to the disappointment of all three of the competitors.
Perhaps someday UU will return and change our lives once again, perhaps not; regardless the UnSignpost wishes him all the best in whatever it is he does in real life and reminds him that he still owes us £4.70 in tea and biscuit money.
Well here we go again: VFS has reached ROUND FOUR!! The excitement on the wiki was palpable and here at the UnSignpost we could barely contain ourselves. Now while we usually compare the need to meet a deadline every Thursday for every week of our lives to being slowly lowered into a vat of acid without the benefit of being Batman first, this week we were whisked out of the vat before the worst could befall our dynamic duo. Thus we began to plan for the UnSignpost as far back as Monday. Monday! It was as though our prayers had been heard by a God whose power only manifests via consensus on humour wikis. So another VFS has been delivered to us and as the top candidates have been selected, we will now judge and belittle them for your amusement and our own perverted satisfaction.
Black flamingo11: Bursting through to the third round of VFS in first place is Black flamingo11, whose cunning tactic so far has been to make absolutely no comment at all regarding the VFS. We're sure some kind of snivelling "Thank you so much for voting for me, it's good you did because I completely deserve this" message will wing its way to your talk page. We sat down with him to establish just what he thought being an admin might be like: "It's the cash I look forward to the most!" he enthused as we queued at his local soup kitchen, "I mean sure I enjoyed doing things just to be helpful, but if there wasn't cash in it for me somewhere, it'd just be pointless!". Thank goodness he isn't just in this for the money or he'd be so incredibly disappointed.
Romartus: So close on Black flamingo's heels into the third round that it's a good job he's wearing such baggy trousers is Romartus. Besides voting for everyone who isn't himself in the second round he has also made very little comment on the VFS, but expect no comment from him regarding your support or how much he appreciates it. Why? Because he is actually a very sophisticated robot who thirsts for the destruction of unwitting humour wikis like this one. We didn't need to talk to him; after all, robots don't have feelings, so fuck you Romartus! You'll never find our office.
The other top story this week is that the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has begun. The judges are in place and the competitors are poised on the blocks. Any moment now they'll write an article and run down to the other end, some three hundred meters from the starting line, there they will leap as far as they can into the sand. We assume. Otherwise there is absolutely no need for this competition to be taking place on a running track and I am utterly mystified as to why I've been handed this starting pistol and why Shabidoo has those flags. If this seems like your idea of a good time, the competition is open until the third of December though please bring pants: "The next person who arrives without pants will be disqualified," said competition host Mhaille yesterday. "This competition has the potential to be very exciting and we don't want anyone getting the wrong idea, or getting splashed."
Just a quick word to announce the imminent arrival of two fun festive traditions additions to Uncyclopedia. Normally Under user is the benevolent king of Uncyclopedia's Christmas time and he presides over the jollities like a strange old man presides over a children's playground, however this year Under user failed his annual admin re-qualification tests (apparently he took more than 10 seconds to punch out the baby) and thus cannot host ANYTHING any more. True story. Because of this, the annual mince pie scoffing competition will be relocated to the user page of ChiefjusticeDS. If you have a taste for those delightful Christmas treats then feel free to join in. The competition will begin on the 1st of December and it must be stressed that pies scoffed before that date are so-called "Training Pies" and will not count towards your total. The ban patrol-ho-ho may or may not return depending on the financial climate.
06:01, November 17, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Wank wank wank. Boy I sure do love to wank. Can I wank on you? I think I will. I don't require your permission. WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK WANK...)
19:30, November 16, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Panic at the dildo! It's funny because dildo sounds a bit like disco, is a funny word and it's a sex thing!)
12:33, November 19, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked JAF1999 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (Wow, you're either really stupid or you're a really lame troll. Probably both, coming to think of it.)
21:17, November 22, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 12 hours (You're doing undictionary wrong, I didn't think that was possible)
02:51, November 16, 2011 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked Wearetheworld (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (cool story, bro)
12:53, November 23, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (I seem to be under-represented in this week's UnSignpost. You should remedy this.)
Biopic of the Week
In the biopic this week is HELPME, and we'll begin with this quote from his userpage: "I used to be full of shit, humorless, stupid, uptight, and annoying. Now I am slightly less of those things." What a nice man, a liar, but a lovely man nonetheless. Arriving on Uncyclopedia at the start of 2010, HELPME became well-known for his hyperactive page editing, article reviewing, outrageous gaying and recent changes patrolling. All this earned himself a whole stack of shiny goodies, several death threats and the acclaim of all. This was all splendid and lovely. BUT THEN CAME THE DARKNESS. It corrupted his soul and made him simultaneously world-wise and world-weary, now happiness is "Fucking square, man" and hyperactive page editing "Shits for the birds, man".
However this hasn't rendered him incapable of doing the thankless busywork we know he used to love so much. Welcome back, HELPME, now get to work; the drainage ditch under Olipro's desk won't drink itself. Make haste, my jacuzzi water grows tepid.
As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before the annual Cabal broadcast absolutely nothing happens. The reflections must be completed or the world might end. If there were a cabal watching, Socky and Roman Dog Bird adding reflections about their strange depraved fantasies and bowel movements in the early hours of the 3rd of January would upset it no end.
The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual.
The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing work scoff rate. Oliphaunte has also come up with a brand new feature for the UnSignpost to further the relentless search for filler material. He proposes a Question and Answer section where you, the users, ask the UnSignpost a question and then we put it in the right hand column with a scathing and witty reply. Obviously such a plan requires questions, and therefore, if this sounds like your sort of thing, ask some questions. It's for a good cause.
VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him.
Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares
This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces.
Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with."
When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner.
Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'."
14:17, November 29, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Monumental Wang, and not in a good way)
23:20, November 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (go back to whatever foreign place you probably come from)
22:04, November 26, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Lingling513 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (If all pony fans were like you, I would have never watched it. Thank God shitheads like you only make up a small part of the fan base. The new episode blew, but it was funnier than your shit article.)
22:02, November 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (WE COULD JUST DELETE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR A TEMPLATE AND IT WOULD BE BETTER! I'M QUITE LIVID AT MYSELF FOR HAVING NOT THOUGHT OF IT!)
03:45, November 27, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 5 hours (You're right, I'm so much better than you because I'm an admin. Also, try to familiarize yourself with apostrophes.)
Biopic of the Week
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It's Xamralco! It has taken us five whole months to biopic him, and now we're going to do it without insulting him once! KIDDING! Xamralco slimed his way onto Uncyclopedia, as slime creatures will, through a carelessly open downstairs window in late June of this year. Having slimed his way in, Xamralco thought to himself, "What could a useless slime beast such as I contribute here?" While he was deciding, he wrotefourfeaturedarticles and won writer of the month and the Best Rewrite category of the most recent Poo Lit Surprise. Naturally, what the people want to know is: When exactly is Xamralco going to do something useful? When will he stop resting on his laurels and actually get down to work?
Strangely, for a slime beast, his talk page is full of him being thanked, making witty banter and generally taking part. What a slimy bastard. I shall smite him, and his slime. Well done Xamralco, now get to work or get out.
There’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach. Some of my other hobbies include watching the sunset from a picturesque grassy knoll, indulging in fine wine with a scrumptious foie gras dinner, and candlelight conversations on French film. But I think you'll agree that nothing is quite as sexy as me taking a long walk on the beach.
Me with my salon-fresh sandy blonde hair flowing in the breeze (courtesy of Tina; you're a miracle worker, honey!) and a sporty J.Crew sweater tied casually around my waist, lobbing a stray Frisbee back at some snot nosed little urchin. You'll see me on the coast looking pensively out at the sea, reflecting back on all of the endearing little things I did that week.
The wiki has new admins. There we go, got the first bit of non-news out of the way. Since time and circumstance have both conspired against the UnSignpost in a bid to not only evict us from the building but also to ensure we have nothing to report on every week, it has in fact been eight days since this particular piece of news broke. Black flamingo11 and Romartus have been made administrators and, clearly in protest as to how such a thing could have possibly occurred, Lyrithya has started a vote to change the system in order that such grave injustice does not ever occur again. Black flamingo11 agrees that he is exactly the type of weird abomination that such a system would easily sieve out. Romartus simply muttered something about not wanting to upset the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls; we assume he is chained to a radiator in her flat, occasionally being forced to dance for her amusement.
Lyrithya proposes that we scrap the current system, just like she always does, and then we bring in a brand new one which nobody except her understands (see the abuse filter for details). Lyrithya is also to be congratulated for making Modusoperandi be serious for five minutes, something which science, constant pain, and the ingratitude of man has failed to do for around twenty years.
In other news, Joe9320 has declared that Imperial Colonization has risen and that "This will mark the Stupid Ages of Imperial Colonization." This correspondent has to agree that this will certainly be the case if Joe9320 runs it. While he was declaring things that nobody will remember in five minutes time, Joe also declared himself Lord of Uncyclopedia and all its dominions, may those who defy him drink eternally from Satan's grotesque member. Or words to that effect.
Zombiebaron and Thekillerfroggy celebrated the sixth anniversary of the featuring of Euroipods by defacing the logo with a blue calculator in exchange for money and referring their friends to do the same. Such jollity flew straight over the heads of most of the userbase, whom Thekillerfroggy condemned as being far too young to remember when, like he can, this was all fields. Happy sixth birthday, Euroipods. We baked you a free cake. You just have to pay for it, and get your friends to do the same. This barrel? Oh no, we haven't even thought of scraping the bottom of it.
Finally, this forum still exists, and users have flocked from miles around to vote for it. The UnSignpost has no comment to make on this, except to ask these people: Who are you? How did you get in when we changed the locks? Try not to get too concerned. Remember, Wikia is a reputable company and certainly isn't a transparent front for a greedy Dragon which hates you. Honest.
Those of you who absolutely love writing competitions have happily had very little to complain about for the last couple of weeks as the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball has enthralled and thrilled you for literally hours. The competition closed for judging last Saturday. Needless to say this is a long time to wait perched upon the edge of ones seat, as Shabidoo confesses himself to be, so it is just as well that the vast majority of the judges have decided to help out by failing to turn in any judging. The UnSignpost wises to remind competition judges that failure to complete judging on time can have a number of detrimental effects including sudden blindness, ostracism within the community and believing oneself to be an Ostrich. So unless you want to be hurtling 'round the wiki flapping your tiny wings in a futile attempt to take flight this time next week, I'd get on with it, and we do mean you, Wilytank. Thought we wouldn't notice, didn't you, and as for new admin, Black flamingo11, he has absolutely no excuse. Get to it you worthless peons; if you had lives you wouldn't even know this competition exists!
MadMax has proposed a second edition of The Article Whisperer to commence immediately after Christmas. Let us take a brief moment to explain why you are ideally suited to not only take part but why taking part is a brilliant idea. First of all, MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed, and secondly because MadMax has the power to crush you like a dry reed. The Article Whisperer is a competition held by UN:REQ to get some of the most requested articles on the site written down and made shiny. Head over to the forum right now and try to spare some time to volunteer to write or judge this, the most useful of our writing competitions. If you don't, MadMax will kill a Panda. In your house. Possibly.
11:00, December 1, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Figure out how to unblock yourself! QUICK! THIS PITCH MEANS THE GAME! SLIDE DIMAGGIO! SLIDE!!)
13:57, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: One month ban wasn't enough. Try three this time. )
18:16, December 4, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for Kelton2 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting nonsense/gibberish into pages: Ok three days. It's Christmas)
15:58, December 6, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Don't care who fancy. This isn't a dating website (yet))
15:24, December 1, 2011 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Your future reads:"no trip to the moon anytime in the near future".)
Biopic of the Week
Because we have to get the UnSignpost Dog into this issue somehow.
I'm in a homosexual relationship with my cousin and I'm worried that my family and friends will find out. That's half the problem as I've a anger problem at my girlfriend who I blame for making me apparently impotent and some violence has taken place between us. Thankfully it's nothing too serious, just some good hearted vicarious punishment for my frustrated sexuality. The truth is I don't enjoy sex with her and I'm racked with terrible feelings of guilt for the casual sex with my cousin. Now I'm eyeing up quite few animals on the farm (sexually) and I'm wondering whether to let them both down gently, or continue with my covert sexual operations. Also I have a child with my sister which I keep in a shed. It's not really like a human being as I have never let it see the outside world and keep it company with my dogs. Do you have any ideas on how to get me out of this mess? - Anonymous
Have you considered beating them all to death with a Polo mallet and then throwing them into the canal? Obviously this would be after slicing them up into small easily manageable pieces. That's what I did. - USP
This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralcobringing up the rear as always.
Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask.
Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc.
HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic manproposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL!
Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA...
New message incoming
There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangeroussubversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm.
Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball.
We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though.
In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy.
Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry.
16:50, December 9, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sog1970 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes (Shouldn't retired users be playing golf or something?)
21:23, December 13, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ARTWORK (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Cease and desist, I am featuring and should not be disturbed)
19:46, December 8, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (He likes to poop in his pants and look at girls )
Biopic Mince Pie Update of the Week
It's the all important coverage of the all important Mince Pie eating competition which you are all interested in! The competition kicked off on ChiefjusticeDS's userpage on November 29th after one of the competitors decided that greed could carry him through an extra two days of competition. The competitors are: last year's champion and general all-rounderUnder user whose rate of consumption is unfortunately not matched by his rate of editing as he consistently falls behind and then leaps into the lead when he remembers he owns a computer. ChiefjusticeDS last year's big loser is engaged in a duel with Under user, one that he appears destined to lose due to severe indigestion and heart disease.
The current leader is Roman Dog Bird who has eaten an awful lot of Mince Pies. We aren't sure how many but we're pretty sure it's a lot. Anyone who wants to win a free Mince Pie or an out of date Lion Bar is welcome to go over and count them. Just drop the actual numbers into the press room. Keep your eyes glued to the competition, it literally can't get any more exciting.
Answer: We here at the Unsignpost Q&A Department pride ourselves in extensive background checks to prevent the hiring of any pedophiles. At the same time however, most of our security staff think pedophiles are people with unusual sexual infatuation of feet, so pretty much, just keep your distance from our office. Why do you think I work from home? - USP
Consult one of our helpful staff at the office. If you want help quick, dress up like a 12 year old child and talk with a higher pitched voice. It may result in unexpected outcomes but hey, you'll get your answer. - USP
So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the very prestigious Foolitzer Prize. For years, the Foolitzer distinguished the good fools from the bad fools, and it's in such a pitiful state that there's only been five votes this month. Five votes! We need to do better than this, people. Not just for me, but for Uncyclopedia America.
"Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait.
The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do.
Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little letters words. VFH is running low on votes and we need your help. I mean, VFH's aim is to get 20 votes per article, but it can only manage around 9. This makes me having a vagina more realistic and I don't even have a vagina. Incidentally vagina is a very funny word.
"How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda.
After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda?
Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the Pandas Dolphins! I MUST KILL ALL OF THEM! Why? WHY? BECAUSE IF I DON'T THE WORLD MIGHT END You wouldn't try and trick me would you? They watch us, they watch us all! THE END IS COMING! The truth will find you! It found me and I'm really quite passionate about it so please, vote on VFH. If you can find the time feel free to kill the Dolphins as well.
02:47, December 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (YOU'RE A LOSER! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU! A WORTHLESS LOSER! AT EVERYTHING YOU DO!)
Right now you might either be saying to yourself, "What the hell? How did someone other than Chief score the first slot on the Unsignpost? That egotistical jerk always gives himself the first slot!", didn't even notice that it was someone different writing this week or (and most likely) you're not even reading this, as you have a "real" life, whatever that means. Well that seems to be the case this week with our friend ChiefjusticeDS, as he released the following statement today at 13:42 UTC:
There is no UnSignpost, at least not from me, this week. This is for various reasons, most of them beginning with "I am very busy with...". The UnSignpost will return again next week when I'm on rest days and have ample time to think up blocks of tortured prose.
I know, what a jerk! Everyone should stop by Chief's talkpage and tell him what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is.
But have no fear, my lowly peasants, as, once again (as in, this has never happened before, and will probably never happen again), I, Magic man, swooped in just in the nick of time to save the day with my amazing power to write dumb shit really fast (no, seriously, this is probably not going to be finished until five minutes before it's scheduled to be delivered). Everyone should stop by my talkpage and tell me what a great, amazing, cool, fun, awesome, lovable, orphan-hugging, money-donating, saint I am.
By the way, for anyone who was wondering, that's my rendition of Chief up in the corner there. I'm the editor this week, so I get to do what I want. This is fun!
Yeah, as it turns out this is a hell of a lot harder than it looks (I'm literally just looking over the dump to see what the hell's happened this week). Once everyone's done telling Chief what a worm-ridden, rotten, ugly, stinky, dick-sucking, shit-eating, dumb-ass piece of shit he is (because I'm sure everyone will obey everything I tell them on the UnSignpost), also remember to tell him what a great guy he is for doing this every week. Anyway, TKF reached forty features, so that's fun. I'll put the link to the obligatory forum in that section over there (I'm pointing right now, but I guess you can't see me).
Staying with the TKF shit, he also rewrote Sex. I meant to help him with that, but then I went out of town. Sorry, TKF. Anyway, it looks like it'll be featured (yeah, forgot to mention it was up on VFH. Everyone go vote for it). I won't go on about how great the rewrite is, 'cuz you can go read it yourself, but it is.
And now to deviate from TKF (that sexy bitch): Al started a giant Just pennies a day-style collab here, and has been asking for everyone's help. So... go do that.
In other news, Christmas happened, but no one cares about that.
Well... that really didn't take up as much space as I thought it would. So... anyone got any ideas? I sure as hell don't. I'm sure there was much more important news that I'm forgetting, but who really gives a shit? I sure as hell don't.
Damn, this is a lot harder than it looks.
Welp, looks like the columns will be uneven again this week, not that anyone cares. I sure as hell don't.
01:41, September 29, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Magic man (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes (Okay, that's it, stop. Stop now. You're really slow and you're spamming up recentchanges and if you'd have asked I could have just used my bot as a backup... but don't keep doing that. Please stop.)