From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
According to the Uncyclopedia Department of Misqualifications, a genuine “Uncyclopedian” is an Internet surfer karmically entangled with the locals who surf Uncyclopedia as a registered user, and who is disdainfully envied as an “Uncyclopedian” in the kook world.
A kook, on the other hand, is anyone so lame as to actually reside on the outlands of Uncyclopedia’s domain. They foolishly think themselves too good for Uncyclopedia -- little do they know that it is impossible to be too good for Uncyclopedia; although it is possible to be too bad for Uncyclopedia. Essentially an Uncyclopedia "kook" is an UN-registered user.
Uncyclopedia is ruled by gods and demigods known as Admins and Sysops respectively. These 'divine beings' as well as most locals are usually quite helpful to any 'registered' beginner noob who sincerely begs for a kick in the pants and a slice of 'humble-pie'.
|Welcome to Uncyclopedia Department of Tourism. Locals head for the beach on your right, kooks kindly walk off the cliff on your left OR REGISTER!|
edit Uncyclopedia Beach
Where IS Uncyclopedia? The answer is that it’s in your PC. To visit Uncyclopedia please turn on your PC (or Computer if you have an Apple), log on to the Internet (if you don’t have DSL), open your Web Browser (the thingy, like 'Firefox'), and type into the address bar the following URL: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page (don't waste time with copy/paste) - then press return.
If you think you have actually arrived at Uncyclopedia you may be right. Just click Pee Review when you are ready to get 'wet', or click VFH if you’re ready to risk your neck. But if – after repeated clicking – nothing happens then check to confirm that your PC is plugged in an electrical outlet. If it is not plugged in then locate the PC plug, find an electric outlet, then insert the plug into the outlet. Then begin over by pressing start.
If your computer instead transforms into a large aquatic mammal, then it may be a good time to reduce the dosage of your self medicational regime.
edit Humanity and Uncyclopedians
Kooks are hopeless geeks with 0 sense of humor, who pick their nose and discard the snot. They have no idea how to spell SXE, and on top of all other disqualifications they aren’t Uncyclopedians. In fact, kooks are so square that Wikipedia will not be mentioned here, not even once. A kook's life is totally meaningless and we won’t waste another kilobyte on the subject.
There are two types of Surfer: those who surf Uncyclopedia and those who do not. Out of those who surf Uncyclopedia there are two types: kooks (unregistered users) and locals (Uncyclopedians). Out of those super-humans known as locals there are two types: those who surf well and those who surf better. But to the point: Uncyclopedians are registered users who can usually surf well.
Beyond even Shangri La titty bar there ultimately is Uncyclopedia, the very edifice of sarcastic mirth. If you plan to visit Uncyclopedia as an unregistered kook be careful! In fact, it is advisable for you to become a registered user (local), even if you only plan a quick visit – because you will have done something to be proud of.
But if you become a registered user and aspire to Uncyclopedia
immorality immortality then prepare yourself to be initiated.
edit Uncyclopedian initiation procedure
The initiation consists of:
- Becoming a registered user (local).
- Getting adopted by a local mirth-master.
- While this seems like a simple step, the newly minted local needs to win over the kindness of an older local. This usually consists of presenting yourself on your knees to said local and begging them to take responsibility for you. If you are lucky enough to be one of the chosen few, you now have a mentor who you can turn to to teach you the mysterious ways of Uncyclopedia. If you're even luckier, they may even respond occasionally.
- Being kicked in your cyber butt whenever the need arises.
- This will happen fairly swiftly. Usually when you drop-in on a page that a current local is surfing on. There are only three rules for surfing here, but a multitudinous amount of ways to break them. You'll most likely invent a new way before too long.
- Enduring humiliation until you realize your own worthlessness.
- On the plus side, as you have chosen to become a local here, the journey from your current level of self esteem to that of worthlessness is likely to be very short.
- Uncovering and quaffing from the fountain of youthful folly.
- After soul scourging you will discover your inner child. Fairly soon you'll work out that your inner child is probably a brat, but for the moment enjoy the feeling of youthful maliciousness.
- Wetting pee-reviewed to improve your sense of sarcasm and illiteracy.
- Having your article pee reviewed is like having a shower in the most golden of waters. Very much like that. Suddenly you'll realise that you have an inner core of a sarcastic bastard, and an uncanny ability to speel brilliantly.
- Taking a few gnarly wipe-outs on VFH much in the manner of a cyber belt-line.
- Surfing on the waves of VFH can take a bit of getting used to. At first you'll be wiped out more often than not. Pretty soon though you'll get the hang of it, and learn how to face constant rejection with a smile on your face.
- Achieving a feature article and the acceptance of your fellow Uncyclopedians.
- And once you've manage to do this, some other kook will try and ask you for advice on how to become an Uncyclopedian. And you will remember how hard it was for you, and torment the sad little grommet unendingly.
NOTICE: During the "Uncyclopedia initiation procedure" suicide is not an option. Neither is escape possible. So once the Initiation begins there is no way out unless you bring a signed hand-written letter from your mom asking that you be excused.
edit Suing Uncyclopedia for hazing
If one is excused by their mom, or does not commit suicide, or otherwise fails to pass the initiation, they may feel despondent and consider suing Uncyclopedia. Be advised: Uncyclopedia is protected by parody, and Parody's dad can beat up your dad!
“Nothing is lower than a chicken-shit unregistered user”
edit How to recognize a kook?
Uncyclopedia’s advice to all kooks is if you happen to visit Uncyclopedia don’t be so foolish as to log in without becoming a Registered User. Because you’re not yet an Uncyclopedian, and, God knows, " Uncyclopedians rule!"
edit How to avoid being cyber-stoned
Although there are a number of ways to avoid altercations with Uncyclopedians, still, using the most alien computer technology available and sorting through all historical data combining both humor and surfing, the essential conclusion may be summed up by Uncyclopedia in the following advice:
If you plan to visit Uncyclopedia be advised that - unless you're a jerk - become a registered user. Reason: It's awesome to be an Uncyclopedian for even one second because then you can brag about it forever, and be swimming in a sea of whichever genitalia you prefer for life!