User talk:Fireman Sam
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“In Soviet PontyPandy, Sam fires you!”
“Sam is the hero next door? Ooooh I thought you said spam. Yum.”
edit Fireman Sam
Fireman Sam was born on 25th December 1975, in the town of Poncey Pandy. His father was nine years old when he gave birth to him, and his mother was fifteen. The exact cause of his birth is completely unknown, as nothing like this has ever been seen before, and his mother and father both claim to be virgins. Ever since the day Fireman Sam was born, he thought he was going to be a totally Ann0y1ng n00b and try and surf on rooftops. Sam took up this quite dangerous hobby at the age of five. Despite all of the neighbourhood kids laughing at him, he continued on. However, when he fell off his roof like a noob in 1981, he gave up. What a crap hobby that turned out to be.
In 1990, Fireman Sam attempted to get into college at the age of 15. However, the examiners thought he sucked too much, and refused him the place. Crying over his refusal, he proceeded into a dance club (or the 1990s version of a dance club anyway) and set himself on fire in front of hundreds of people. However, remembering his rediculously stupid hobby at the age of five, none of them bothered to put him out. Fireman Sam came out with fourth degree burns all over his body that night, yet somehow survived. Fireman Sam's brain was singed in the fire, and thinking he was now totally badass and under the sad illusion he was now immortal, after getting a 110% skin transplant, he decided to try and fight fires for the rest of his life. Little did he know how stupid he was, as he was born with the name "Fireman" Sam, yet didn't even find this out until he'd singed his whole body, which explains Sam's latest IQ test reading just a measly 12.
During his time at school however, he had made a new friend called Elvis, who had been kicked out of that school simply for being a gay retard with an IQ of 19. However, since Sam's IQ was 12, it was a total wonder why he wasnt kicked out too. Over the next year after Sam's fire accident, Sam discovered his own sexuality. Despite trying to resist for 500,142,900 minutes, he finally gave in and became Elvis's boyfriend. Neighbours have often complained about a suspicious noise sounding vaguely metallic and representing a bed's headboard, banging on the wall of the bedroom. We all have a feeling Sam has been getting up to no good, AGAIN. However, the neighbours were doing the same, and didn't actually think much of it. Oh well.
edit The Station Story
After Elvis has an accident with a hose, in which, in simple terms, Elvis experienced an involuntary penis insert into the end of a firehose, and co-incidentally, at the same time, Sam did the same thing on the other end. Feeling a strange sensation, then Elvis decided he wanted to try and fight fires also. Sharing the same passion, they desided to open their own station in Poncey Pandy. I was made of paper and cardboard, and took five minutes to build. Realising that they had no money in the year 2000, they had to take the station down again just for a cardboard box to sleep in. Their first attempt at their fire station had failed. Elvis and Sam knew they needed to do SOMETHING, so Elvis and Sam stole a few mouldy muskets made of shit, and preceeded around the town of Poncy Pandy, robbing old ladies and leet hackers to get a few coins. Yet, even though this idea seems quite stupid, they were both able to raise around £4.50 EACH! With their newfound money, Sam bought some more paper and boxes, and the fire station was built!
However, a week after it was built, a 2000mph wind blew the station to smitherines. Strangely enough, Elvis and Sam were in the middle of one of their marathon sessions that the neighbours had previously complained about. You do the maths. Oddly enough, the winds blew them so far they landed in a barn full of pig crap about a mile away. They both had to sneak back under the cover of darkness, without being seen by the prying eyes of the citizens of Poncy Pandy. Their SECOND attempt has failed.
Deciding enough was enough, Elvis took a bulldozer to a brick factory, and loaded up his "swagbag" with bricks and other various building crap. This time, there would be no more mistakes. A THIRD station was constructed, on the same sight as the other previous two stations, using bricks and cement. However, Sam had overlooked one key thing; what about his equipment? Every day, Sam's IQ was getting lower and lower. By the year 1802, Sam's IQ had deminished to a miniscule 0.0089.
edit Elvis's Disappearance
One night, while Sam and Elvis were dancing in a Poncy Pandy club, Elvis vanished, right under Sam's nose. Sam of course did not notice until a week later, when Elvis was late for their weekly marathon. Damn Sam's IQ. Sam spent fourteen days straight as the new station crying his eyeballs out. Some say he did not even eat. Then Sam suddenly realised: "Why am I crying?". Yes, Sam had forgotten about Elvis. Sam them proceeded to find a new boyfriend out and about in Poncy Pandy, and soon found an extremely gay looking man with a grey beard and moustache. Sam instantly fell in love with his. Mainly because he offered Sam marathon sex sessions three times longer than Elvis ever had. This caused Sam to appoint his new boyfriend as the station's director.
Before long, Sam suddenly developed a MASSIVE appetite for mushrooms. The new station's director even called the police once, as Sam had not returned to the station in five days. After another 20 day search, the Police found Sam in Cornwall, with red eyes, and mushrooms stuck all over him, and he was munching on a mushroom the side of a house. It turns out, Sam had taken a mushroom holiday to the Mushroom Kingdom from Super Mario, and had not bothered to tell anyone.
A year later, Sam was returning back to the now fucked up station, which had not been cleaning in 6 months, and came through the door to find Elvis sleeping on a pile of 6 month old shit in the station bathroom, with no less than SEVEN naked men with him. After waking Elvis and slapping each mans arse, as well as Elvis's 70,000 times each, taking well over three days, Elvis explained he followed a sexy man to the docks, and they took him to a gay bar in Marocco, where he got it on with 453 men at THE SAME TIME! Sam decided he'd let him off, the manwhore he is. However, some say that Elvis never forgave Sam for sleeping with the new station's director. Yet again, his IQ by now was so small, he probably didnt even know what a boyfriend was any more.
edit The Station G.R.E.A.T project
First of all, GREAT stands for Gay Renovations, Especially for Arseholes with Turets. Because the station director had somehow picked up turets in the 3 months following the comeback of Elvis. He was randomly saying words like "OMG!" and "YOU DIE NOW!" and "QUEERBAG IS ME!", so they decided to soundproof the walls of his office and keep him locked in 25 hours a day, while they refurbished the station, putting in some actually DECENT equipment, including a fire engine and some hoses. At long last, their act was getting cleaned up.
edit The Biggest Fire challenge!
One of the biggest Tests of Poncy Pandy's fire station was the great fire of Sam, 2034. A small Irish man sold some beans to Fireman Sam late at night in June. However, five minutes after consuming these, Sam unleached a farting attack NEVER seen before by anyone. The fire raging from Sam's rather small arsehole was so great, Sam was actually being forced into the floor, digging a hole and burning down enormous trees and large buildings. An hour after the farting began, the fire station was alerted, and Elvis set off in the fire engine, while the director just sat back at the station, as Elvis had forgotten to unlock the door. Elvis managed to achieve a world record, as he was able to successfully deploy 140 firehoses, JUST to put out the fire in Sam's arsehole.
Elvis was hailed "A total retard" by everyone in the town, as they all firmly believed that the fire was a very funny experience and many had mistaken it for a firework display. Sam however, has fifth degree burns on 180% of his arsehole, and had now got no arse hair whatsoever. Sam had now got the nickname "Numbnuts", as the fire had singed Sam's balls so much that he could: 1. No longer feel them. 2. Had no hair whatsoever. 3. Was now infertile (not that it mattered anyway). 4. Now had erectile dysfunctions. (again, does it really matter?).
Sam, of course has never recovered from this. However, he did managed to catch the short irish guy who sold him the beans, and consequently made him eat fifty times the number of beans the man had sold to Sam. No-one knows what happened to the little Irish guy, but some people have blamed the extinction of the dinosaurs on this kind of outcome. However, this must be bullshit, as the dinosaurs went extinct millions of years before Sam was even born. Yet Sam was still determined to keep the station going.
edit The Television Deal
Finally, after so long of messing about, sorting out fires up Sams rear end, literally, a large Television company, much larger than the BBC heard of the story and thought it a good idea to provide some media coverage on it. The company who made it however went bankrupt as soon as it was filmed, so the record was scrapped, until some modern TV company got hold of it and released it around 1997 time or something, when everyone had forgotten about Elvis and Sam, and thought it to be some sort of childrens TV show. Really, they should have included Elvis and Sam's marathons in the vides. Would have made it so much more interesting.
edit The Deal
Firstly, Sam and Elvis were to appear on a talk show to get their views on the arse fire sorted and proide some giggles for the pubic and whoever else would be watching. The world was in deep laughter all throughout the night this talk show was presented. Even I was. Then they decided to exploit Sam's IQ even more and make some sort of sitcom out of it, where Sam is protrayed as the hero of the town. The only snag with this was that everyone who lived in the town at the time was too scared of Sam's sexuality and violent reactions to being turned down, and had no choice but to co-operate and be part of the sitcom. The show was supposed to be named "Fireman Elvis", but he was deemed as too straight to be the main character, so the production was delayed until Sam's burnt ass healed up.
edit What it did
To do the show, the production company agreed to pay for the props, like the fire engine, the devishly annoying theme song that goes with the show, and enough money to finally finish the fire station once and for all. Electronic alarms were not invented by this day, so the fat Inspector had to play around with a few of Elvis's dildos and a metal platewith a motor to try and get something working. It did the trick alright. The show raking in:
£100,000 from the company budget £300,000 from donations from newspapers covering Sam's ass. £-100 from the number of viewers they got to actually WATCH the show.
Even so, they have managed to build the station into what it is today, and also hire a little 12 year old sex slave incase Sam or Elvis suddenly have the urge to have sex with the nearest thing with a pulse. It worked like a treat.sam is agay muth trucker