User talk:Cap'n Ben/archive
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure I haven't welcomed you properly to UnNews, so here's the works. I put your story up as lead article because it struck me like a ToolTroll anvil (gotta git me one of them anvils), knocked me senseless, and caused me to perpetrate a host of irrational acts, not the least of which was putting your article up. I've enjoyed this little chat, but I've got to go take my medications now, so if you'll excuse me...
|On your knees, worthy one! The Right Reverend Major Sir Zim_ulator blesses you.|
Your blessings are increasing exponentially. In the name of Sophia, the Church of Uncyclopedia and the Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic, kneel and receive the melding of Zim's holy axe and your wetware. Now go write me a good UnNews article. Cheers! Get saved! 03:48, March 15, 2010 (UTC)
Welcome to UnNews, Cap'n Ben, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.
I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.
You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.
If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.
Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.
Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?
If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.
At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found Stripgenerator.com, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.
- This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Get saved! 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC) Get saved! 13:31, 6 February 2007 (UTC)
edit Thank you!
|NeedABrain has awarded you a pair of rayguns!|
|For voting on HowTo:Make Cheesy Sci-Fi.|
|"Now remember: the blue stuns, the yellow disintegrates and the red destroys the universe (not yet been tested)."|
edit RATATATAT TAT TAT!!!
|BANG BANG BANG!!!|
The victory bells(?) have rang!
|NeedABrain thanks you for voting on Onomatopoeia|
edit Holy Shit
It took you all of four minutes after I made that Zeppelin article to post a picture. Color me impressed. Thanks --Palsworth 01:11, 7 January 2007 (UTC)
edit Ahoy, good Cap'n!
Would you be interested in judging for the next PLS? I'm looking for people who know funny from stupid, and I like the cut of your jib. (I'm not sure what that means, but hopefully it's complementary). Anyways, let me know one way or another at my talk page (as I often forget what I've done the previous day after going to sleep, so that's the only way to be sure I see it). Cheers!-- 00:17, 3 December 2006 (UTC)
Hey, I never got around to thanking you for nomming me, so thanks! Heh, looks like Squiggle's got it in the bag, though.
User:Tooltroll/sig 09:04, 28 November 2006 (UTC)
Thank you sir. I've seen Duck Soup but it's been some time since then, and I couldn't think of the country. I think the Wikipedia article I checked was incorrect! Damn them! --15:44, 2 November 2006 (UTC)
I saw the Good Captain on the recent changes page and I thought, well, I simply must invite him to the hippest joint in town, the IRC Club. Drop in sometime if you get the chance. --—rc (t) 03:30, 29 January 2006 (UTC)
edit Ready Fredy
edit You Rock
I was hoping to get to a Roy Orbison Article soon. I recently added Roy to the Memphis page, as a play on the Elvisions going on down there. I also added a small reference to Roy Orbison sightings, suggesting he is calling bingo at a particular Trailer Park that I am fleshing out. I may just stick his head on some pics for that series with no explicit reference.----K3vin-Yak-Bak MUN,CM,NS 19:19, 3 Jan 2006 (UTC)
edit Thanks Cap'n
- The Night After Christmas ~ Hysterical!? Coming from you, that means a lot! :) As good as it is to get a featured article (woo hoo!), it's much more rewarding to have amused someone whose contributions have given me much enjoyment. Thanks for your vote! -- T. (talk) 11:29, 24 Dec 2005 (UTC)
Hi Cap'n. I'm not sure which is worse, a sympathy vote or none at all. :) In any case, you're a prizewinning writer and I'm more of an editor given to occasional bouts of creativity. If there is anything you can do for this limping animal—from minor touches to major structural changes touches&mdashI'd appeciate it. People deserve something that's actually good for Christmas. :P -- T. (talk) 19:42, 20 Dec 2005 (UTC)
Hi ... As the trends these days on uncyc seem to favour correct spellings in article titles, I've moved your article to correct the typo in the name Gilligan to rename the article to read as above. As someone might delete the redirection page created by my move, you may wish to alter the article name in your user page to link to the new name of the article. --Ogopogo 17:59, 10 Dec 2005 (UTC)
edit A personal note of thanks.
Thank you, User:Cap'n Ben, for your Writer of the Month vote. Too often, famous and talented writers like me lose touch with their fan base. That is why I am writing you, User:Cap'n Ben this meaningful and thought-out message.
Thanks again yor your vote, User:Cap'n Ben, and keep on editin'!
--Savethemooses 00:49, 7 Dec 2005 (UTC)
edit Thank you kind suh
Gee, Ben, you must be a Republican. Are you also a Fascist? --ByzantoMan 00:03, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
Hardy har. I'm not American. Where I live, a republican is someone who doesn't like the Queen. --Cap'n Ben 00:07, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
Well,then, I take it you live in the UK or Australia. If the former is the case, I take it that you are a Conservative. If the latter, sorry, I don't know what the Fascist party is called "down under."--ByzantoMan 00:13, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
I live in Australia. Look, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot. I wrote the original article about fascism, and the point of it is very simply that I object to calling people fascists, communists or nazis as generic insults. When you through that stuff in about Bush insulting him by comparing him to a fascist, it defeated the point of the article. That's all. I am not an admirer of Bush, and my reversion of the article was not intended as a defense of his policies.
BTW, out conservative party is called the Liberal Party. No, I don't understad it either. --Cap'n Ben 00:25, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
You're right, and I apologize. For me, being here is basically a form of primal scream therapy. Not wanting to engage you further in such a hostile way, I simply pulled the redirect off Fascism and appropriated it for my own purposes. I am sure you are a nice guy and again, I apologize. BTW, in British and British-derived politics, "liberal" often refers to one's position, not so much on social issues, but with regard to basically limiting government interference in economic matters. It goes back to the 19th century, the industrial revolution and such. Hence, in certain circles, the current ascendency of imperialist capitalism is often called "neoliberalism."
So when ARE you folks gonna ditch ole Liz?--ByzantoMan 00:36, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
No time soon, amigo. There was a referendum on the monarchy in 2000, and the republic went down in flames; the cuurent government is extremely unlikely to reopen the issue.--Cap'n Ben 00:42, 19 Jul 2005 (UTC)
Why remove an attempt to bring some true on the Wright Brother's article?!?!?! The flying father is the Brazilian Alberto Santos Dummond. Kindly Regards...
I am pleased to inform you that your paper showing that Alternative Medicine to be an effective treatment for dour and humorless has passed peer review and has been accepted for publication in the Journal of Ineffective Medicines. Thank you for submission. --KP CUN 00:49, 17 Aug 2005 (UTC)
| Nominated Writer of the Month|
This user has been nominated for Writer of the Month—you can vote for them or nominate your favourite users at Uncyclopedia:Writer of the Month.
edit Yay for you!
Tompkins gave you a S'more for your work on Old Tech
Classic, so very classic. 02:33, 9 February 2006 (UTC)
edit Stereotype Reassignment Surgery
Fantastic article. Keep up the yadayada. -nsh
edit Happy Anniversary, Cap'n
10:13, 9 March 2005 (hist) (diff) Minutes
By complete happenstance, I managed to birth a person in another article in 1927; upon following the link, I updated to include Powermarch, but am hesitant to add the "born on.." line to the 1927 page, since it's generally awesome as it is. Would an entirely random mention in the middle of your diatribe work for you? To me, being an absurdist, it makes sense, but I don't want to spoil your flow..good work on the page, though..peace! Jayrod 20:03, 2 May 2006 (UTC)
edit Old Tech
n00b, just saw & loved the article, the picture captions alone made me laugh...just letting you know--Shandon
|Braydie has awarded you some ice cream!|
For voting for HowTo:Make a Band
--—Braydie 17:03, 5 December 2006 (UTC)
|Bradaphraser was throwing away last year's Christmas cards, and|
realised they had
This user is completely thoughtless, doesn't care about Multi-culturalism,
and therefore DEMANDS you have yourself a Merry little Christmas... NOW!
Failure to comply with result in disciplinary action up to and including excommunication from the Capitalist Church
May you focus on your successes and forget your failures here at the end of the year. Never forget how we all improve one another's lives. Season's Greetings.--17:29, 17 December 2006 (UTC)
|Nothing says [[Insert religious or pagan holiday of your choice]] like getting drunk with a moose. So this year, why not savour a treasured Canadian tradition with a bottle of hooch, horns, hooves, and hypothermia? The drinks are on me. ~ Todd|
--15:59, 18 December 2006 (UTC)
edit PLS !!!
Your judge packet, sir. :)-- 21:55, 17 December 2006 (UTC)
edit From me
|Hindleyite wishes you a|
Enjoy this Christmas pud, but watch out for the five pence
coins that fell out of my pocket into the cake mix.
edit Merry Christmas
|Santa Claus has given you some Socks for Christmas.|
As you can see, these socks are white and red, and they are modelled by Mrs. Claus.
If you wish to complain about your Christmas present, do it here.
From Santa Claus.
Thanks for your vote!
has awarded you the
Neat Order of the Closet
HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Male
Wear It With Pride!TM
You big homo.
Two fups out of 18 goes isn't bad though...BerogenVFH 16:03, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
edit Now, Turn Left!
|THIS USER NEVER TURNS RIGHT|
And so the motherland would like to thank him.
07:49, 8 January 2007 (UTC)
edit It's time!
Well, the time has finally come for judging the best at PLS. Since it'd be extremely hard (and probably impossible) to fairly judge all 23 entries in your category in one sitting, it's recommended you start early and take it in stages. You were chosen as a judge because I trust your judgment when it comes to humor at Uncyclopedia, so you may use any method of choosing the winners that you deem fit. I do have space for you on the judging page to rank your top five favorite articles, in order, and give honorable mention to any other articles in your category that you deem "worthy" of being an Uncyclopedia article (which will then be unlocked after PLS is over). I'd prefer to have the entries almost fully judged by the Wednesday, the 7th of February, though the deadline isn't until the 10th. As such, be ready for me to be panicking if there's nothing done on your entry on the judging page by the 7th. Thank you again for judging, and enjoy the read (as many of the entries are quite funny this go around, in my opinion). Please contact me at my talkpage if you have any questions.-- 00:44, 28 January 2007 (UTC)
edit Thanks for the vote
|THIS USER VOTES WISELY|
They voted for me. And I didn't even have to bribe them.
edit hey hey hey
|El Zoof has awarded you a special 3D holographic edition of the List of one letter words starting with A!|
|For voting on List of one letter words starting with A. If you hadn't guessed.|
|Soon: List of one letter words starting with A II: The Sequel - List of one letter words starting with I|
El Zoof 00:49, 12 February 2007 (UTC)
edit Thank you!
|Congratulation! You are now happy owner of new proud fat kid with an Accordion from El Zoof!|
|Much felicitous appreciations for happy double nice good voting for HowTo:Stop Playing the Accordion|
--El Zoof 01:00, 22 February 2007 (UTC)
edit Open Your Inventory
|FoxyBabe has awarded you with a Key Item!|
|For voting on HowTo:Live in an RPG.|
|"I found it inside a weird chest placed mysteriously in Lava Mountain. Still haven't figured out what it does, so keep it in your inventory, it may come in handy to eliminate a dancing mushroom."|
edit Alcoholics Anonymous
Obviously, I was
unaware oblivious. Okay, I can live with that. --Curious Larry 13:57, 25 February 2007 (UTC)
edit Pee Review - How to Lean Back in Your Chair
|Rejoice, Cap'n Ben! You have been entitled to the |
Golden Shower Award
|For donating high quality material to the Pee Review.|
I have to thank you for your review, I shall most likely dig up some diagrams but I don't want to just add them for the sake of having them. I want them to look good in the context of the article, and if I can't find them, I would be happier doing without.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. It is appreciated. Shadowlost 01:51, 2 March 2007 (UTC)
edit UnNews:Parti Québécois gains support in Alberta
Thank you for your vote. It's nice to know that someone gets my sense of humor. Please don't die! I plan on writing more. :) --Kenvalyi 02:30, 3 March 2007 (UTC)
edit HowTo:Cook while you're drunk
Hya, I just finished working on the Movie Trailer Announcer Guy audio, and I'm going to start working on an audio version for your fabulous article. Any specific requests? 13:09, 4 March 2007 (UTC)
edit We shall never forget
|LET US BOW OUR HEADS IN SHAME|
16:48, 4 March 2007 (UTC)
edit Thank you for your vote
--19:55, 8 March 2007 (UTC)
|Atomic Disturbance would like to thank you for voting for |
UnNews:Boy subjected to harsh criticism, cries like little girl.
The Power Is Yours!
- I do appreciate it. I really do. No, I mean it. I swear. I swear on the grave of Mitsy, my dead cat, I really do appreciate it. I DO TOO fucking appreciate it. No, you shut up, I never want to talk to you again... Okay, sorry... I overreacted. No thats okay. I cant remember what started this either. Anyway, I do appreciate it. -- 20:09, 9 March 2007 (UTC)
|Welcome to the Chaingang from El Zoof! Now go cut your head off - safely!|
|Thanks for voting for HowTo:Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw|
--El Zoof 10:17, 10 March 2007 (UTC)
Just read this piece. It is first-rate work, sir! Pure inspiration to keep changing authors. My best felicitations. ----OEJ 12:26, 11 March 2007 (UTC)
edit Another Thanks!
|For voting for Is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?, you have been awarded one of Cs1987's many 1982 Mitsubishi Colts!|
Sorry I couldn't afford a better present. It might arrive in the mail soon, if you are lucky.
edit Thanks for the vote!
edit Thanks for the Support!
|Rejoice, Cap'n Ben! You have been entitled to the |
Golden Shower Award
|For donating high quality material to the Pee Review.|
edit New Pee
I've reviewed your pee which was hanging around the bottom of the urinal - tried to be constructive about it - some great one-liners that I hope can become fully-fledged to make my frequent use of the "random page" link even more fruitful --Asahatter (annoy) 07:23, 8 May 2007 (UTC)
Wow. Er... wow. That's.... wow. You've taken my decaying corpse of an idea, stuck a bolt through its neck, and sent it lurching into the village. Thankyou.
Of course, this means I now *have* to start working on my idea for the Guttenberg Bible. Sadly, that's not a spelling error...
--El Zoof 02:56, 11 May 2007 (UTC)
|Weasel3689 would like to thank you for |
Lord of the Flies.
05:56, 18 May 2007 (UTC)
edit Thanks ever so much!
Just wanted to again thank you for your VFH Nom and Vote on UnBooks:Now That You Are Almost a Woman. Kisses, good karma and hugs! Dame 02:04, 19 May 2007 (UTC)
edit Pee Review
I reviewed your article, Royal Geographical Society. You posted it over a month ago, so I felt it appropriate to let you know. As an aside, may I suggest archiving your talk page? Very long indeed. Cheers.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 02:54, 19 May 2007 (UTC)
edit Thank You
edit Finger cymbals for you!
|Prettiestpretty dances for your pleasure!|
|For voting on Now That You Are Almost a Woman|
Now go out and get in touch with your feminine side!
Dame22:04, 23 May 2007 (UTC)
edit Thank You!
Much appreciated! :)--THINKER 04:08, 27 May 2007 (UTC)
IT'S ALIIIIIIVE! And on the front page! Well played, sir. The Brain Roll really did it... --El Zoof 11:47, 7 June 2007 (UTC)
edit OMG thanx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul Bunyan thanks you for supporting him and his fellow bunyanists in the ongoing struggle against the evils of science and reason. Mr. Bunyan salutes you!
thanx for the vote u voted for my article liek OMG lol! --THE 13:50, 9 June 2007 (UTC)
edit Led Zeppelin
If you rewrote it, you should have taken down the rewrite tag, dickhead. What did you think the rewrite tag meant? "I've finished rewriting it?"
Whatever. Having wasted far too much of my time already because of this easily avoided fuckup on your part, I'll to you leave the task of making this article into something vaguely funny. Or even readable; that would do. You still have a long way to go, Junior. A very long way. --Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 14:58, 10 June 2007 (UTC)
Because clearly, sentences like these really help to improve the article's quality and convey a great sense of humour:
"Led Zeplin is a band that is so totaly owsome, not like M-&-m who is totally gay; and anyone that likes him is thairfore also gay, even if he is captain of the under-14s criket team, so suck it Barry Mitchell."
"That one rocks. I bet it woild be grate to listen to that song on drugs, but all I have is nutmeg. Barry sayed nutmeg can get you high, but it just tastes discusting. I hate Barry. He must be a fag, cause if he were a hetresexal man, he could not be so atractive."
"The moovie "Spinl Tapp" is an awful movie thet trys to satyrise Zelpin, but FAILS! Becauise Lwd Zwpplin is two AWESOM to be moked by this sort of Mad Magazine humour which is not funy because it dusnt have Alfred E. Newman or Spy cs Sopy or ANYTHING of the things that make GOOD satire. It is a crumy movie, and should ve shot. It is not good like "Teh Song Remains Similar", which has Jimmy Plant in a shirt which is open all the way down, and tight pants.. The rele Jimmy Plant doens't need a zucchini in his genes!"
1 billion points coming your way for the "The Laughing Gnome" reference. --Joachim22 11:02, 12 June 2007 (UTC)
edit I got my own telephone, thanks
Though I have seeen so much over the years! --Fonchezzz 18:57, 13 June 2007 (UTC)
edit Thanks a bajoodle!
edit Pee Review
Your review may have caused me to kill myself. But more likely I'll just dump that page into random userspace -- move it to something like "liabggdsfijsadbvksjb". 03:35, 17 June 2007 (UTC) (PS: It was a rewrite, anyways)
thanks for the vote. and sorry about the ugly template. --THE 11:59, 18 June 2007 (UTC)
edit With Thanks
| A tall, dark man pushes a note into your hand; it reads:
The man turns away, muttering he has an appointent with someone's mom...
Thanks for your vote. Don alun 11:49, 19 June 2007 (UTC)
edit Oh, Cap'n, My Cap'n
You voted for one of my articles, so I feel somewhat attached to you, in a weird way. You didn't like My Little Pony, which is cool. Hope we can still be....vote-buddies.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 19:14, 21 June 2007 (UTC)
- Splendid. I have another VFH nom that I hope can redeem myself. It's always nice to stroke my own ego by having good writers vote for my nominations. It's this 'un. Ta.-Sir Ljlego, GUN VFH FIYC WotM SG WHotM PWotM AotM EGAEDM ANotM + (Talk) 01:39, 22 June 2007 (UTC)
Ugh, now I'm hungry for chrunchberries.. Thanks Cap'n!! ;) --THINKER 06:57, 22 June 2007 (UTC)
|The Led Balloon has awarded you a piece of Floridian swampland. They're goin' quick!|
|PS: You get this for voting on that UnNews thing I made. Thanks for putting up with my excessive Votewhoring. Stay dry now!|
edit Poo Lit Surprise Judging
Glad to see you've volunteered! Now's your chance to sign up for your preferred Category, whichever that may be. Head over to the project page and put your name down where you want it. Thanks in advance. I'll be keeping in touch over the course of the competition, so stay tuned and feel free to hit me up on my talk page should you need to. Sir ENeGMA (talk) GUN WotM PLS 16:04, 24 June 2007 (UTC)
|This is your flight attendant, not stewardess, Melissa. We will be landing shortly. |
Thank you for voting for preflight procedures, and for flying Southwest Airlines!
edit A slightly belated thank you
--18:43, 26 June 2007 (UTC)
edit Cheers Cap'n!
edit Mucho, mucho, cootchie cootchie!