User talk:BlueSpiritGuy/JuliusMalema

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Revision as of 04:26, October 15, 2009 by Why do I need to provide this? (talk | contribs)

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edit Review

Humour Score: 6

Comments: OK, the humour is pretty good, especially for a first attempt. I would recommend taking another look at some aspects of it. Firstly, I would recommend being a bit more subtle. Some of your punchlines are very obviously defined and almost push the humour onto the reader, try to scale this down. For example, rather than writing something like: "who want to become fully fledged African politicians, also known as corrupticians" try something like "who want to become fully fledged African politicians". Note that with the links I am saying the same thing but in a manner that doesn't force the humour onto the reader and which sits nicely alongside the other humour in the section but without requiring further explanation, you do a similar thing later on, so try and move with the idea. Employing the links is only one way of doing so, however. I would recommend you have a look at this article for some pointers on technique. My second recommendation is that you be careful later in the article about straying too far from the man himself. Especially since this is a man who's article on Wikipedia even seems to be mocking him, you have a huge amount to work with, his views on women, his support for ANC leaders under criminal investigation, and many others. Since the man is so controversial this article could put some focus towards it, try putting a humorous slant on what they say on Wikipedia, and use HTBFANJS to perfect it, since the article is in your user space you have a huge amount of scope for making improvements, I encourage you to experiment with different techniques. I, and other users will be happy to give you feedback.

Concept Score: 7

Comments: Your concept is fine and the article will hold plenty for those familiar with the man and the controversy that surrounds him. My point here is your tonal consistency. You switch between first and third person a lot in the article and ideally you should just stick to a single perspective. Currently you are writing well with the encyclopaedic style the majority of the time, so extend this. This is where the subtle use of humour comes in, an encyclopaedic tone gives information and puts a humorous slant on them by contradicting other statements, being serious about stupid things and many others. Go through your article and look for instances where you address the reader, or where your writing refers to yourself. Some instances are fine, such as in your info box where you have "Born:Sadly yes", that amused me and should be kept, use your initiative when coming the article. Generally this is fine.

Prose & Formatting Score: 5

Comments: Your spelling and grammar are reasonable but not without problems, proofreading is a matter of the utmost importance when you write as well as you are. If you are not completely confident about proofreading then simply ask myself or another member of UN:PS to take a look for you. However, as much as we would like to think, we are not infallible with grammar so you should always proofread. Admittedly it is dull to do, but worth it in the end, though I am sure you know this. Your formatting is OK, the info box is fine, but the image of the high school grades dominates the page to a great extent. While I accept that it is important that the image be visible and thus large, I still think you should try and shrink it down a bit and try to format it to one side, so it compliments, rather than dominates the text. Making these changes to the image is not overly essential if they defeat the point of including it, so use your own judgement.

Images Score: 7

Comments: Overall the images are fine, you lose marks for the formatting difficulties, but I would recommend including another image as well, just to break the text. As a general rule try to include about 3 images in your articles (info box images excluded in most cases) just so that Uncyclopedians do not leave your page because there is too much prose and not enough pretty pictures. Any image will do, but try to find one that compliments what you are saying, but is also amusing in it's own right. You seem to have a good grasp of doing captions, so I will not offer you any more advice on those, besides reminding you that your tone should stay the same there as in the article.

Overall grade of the article: 7

Final Score: 32

Final comments: You write very well especially for a first attempt and your work holds an awful lot of potential. The key to success now is to continue to work on it as best you can, don't be afraid of asking for help. I know that there is a lot of negativity in this review but try not to be discouraged, you write with a good grasp of concepts and some of your jokes are genuinely amusing, it would be a shame to stop working on it now. Feel free to direct any comments about this review to my talk page. Good luck making any edits.

--ChiefjusticeDS 18:14, September 16, 2009 (UTC)

edit Extra comments

OK, I don't think that I need to give you another review as I can say much of what I need to stay more swiftly here. You have improved much of what I mentioned last time and I commend you for the hard work you have put in, it is excellent to see. My recommendation for moving forward would be to be careful of getting too bogged down in explaining things about the man. While this is desirable in one sense it is equally undesirable in another. Remember that this is a man who is so hilariously bigoted that even his Wikipedia article seems to be mocking him. You, writing an article that is a satire of that, must dig deeper for your humour. You have made some reasonably successful attempts at doing so, but I think that there is more to be done. One of the main criticisms you would probably get of the article in it's current form is that it hasn't got enough funny stuff in it. So you should look to some of the featured articles, like the Al Gore one, and note how they do it. In the Al Gore article you will see that the author has decided to write as though Al Gore does not exist, methods like this are regularly practised when writing about someone who is either boring or amusing enough already. Authors come up with ways to create the humour for themselves, and I think this is the way forward for you.

I fixed a couple of things as I read through your article but in general the prose are much better, and when the proofreading request is satisfied that should be fine. Your formatting is the only other thing, try to spread the pictures a bit more, so your info box doesn't appear to be sat on top of the image of the school grades. Otherwise good work, you would probably be scoring about 37 on PEE review, so you are getting very close now. If you would like a different perspective as well I can ask Orian to take a quick look for you. Hope this helps. Good luck making any further changes. --ChiefjusticeDS 17:55, September 21, 2009 (UTC)

edit Orian

Please take a look at the extra comments made by Chief. I still need to add some more humour, but I am having a bad case of writer's block. I was thinking of adding something like: "He was victim of a freak accident involving a sangoma (witchdoctor) during his initiation, which gave him the intellectual ability of a 3 year old." Then I could write the rest of the article saying that all he achieved, though being low for someone his age, is actually pretty good for a three year old. But this sounds a bit lame to me, I don't know. Any suggestions on how I could improve?--BlueSpiritGuy 20:28, September 30, 2009 (UTC)

Think I've got a better idea. Since he claims to have done so much during the apartheid struggle, which ended about the same time he was born, he must be some reincarnation of a great freedom fighter from the past age. Now his has nothing to fight for, and thus creates fake dangers? Eh? I'm really struggling with the last few inches of this one. --BlueSpiritGuy 12:17, October 7, 2009 (UTC)

edit WhyGuy

You'll see the new idea involves joking about him being the reincarnation of a number of great African freedom fighters. I'll also add stuff about it being facilitated by sangomas (witchdoctors) with pretty pictures and all. What do you think? --BlueSpiritGuy 08:04, October 14, 2009 (UTC)

I appreciate your getting feedback from people to improve your article, and actually listening. That's the kind of stuff we (me) like here. But of course you can feel free to ignore all my advice--sometimes what clicks for a reviewer doesn't click for the author. And I'm not giving a review anyway, just a few comments (well, it ended up being more than a few. When I write, I tend to be longwinded). You already know I like what you've written (I voted for you for NotM based on this article and on spying on looking at your conversations with people here--you listened and were considerate, both of which are a bit rare here).
I probably haven't seen the version Chief reviewed (I like your subtlety), but what I can relate to I largely agree with his comments.
Your intro is short, which is fine, but it's more about the league than Malema. I think that can throw off the reader.
Language--"...mother tongue is, (cut , and add ;) for this reason...."
Report Card America uses a system of A (best), B, C, D, F (don't ask me why they skip E). Most will have little idea what these grades mean--but you have that quote “You don't have to be educated to be a president” which explains it. (I love the quote, by the way, but would like it a little better if you cut the word "a"--sounds more egotistical if he's more than just "a" president, plus it could be a hint of future plans?).
"This posed another problem because both didn’t exactly pass high school by the crudest of standards."--I'd cut that part; I think without it is had a nice, strong ending.
Woman who has had a "nice time" stays until the morning to request breakfast and taxi money"--like it.
"The word racist is sometimes replaced by "Colonialist" or "European Devil", but these terms are seldom used when African countries apply for financial aid from Europe."--"seldom used" is ridiculous but subtle--I like it.
"The ANC immediately requested that the commercial be discontinued. They argued that it was copyright infringement, as they own the right to a Julius Malema puppet making public statements."--I can imagine this being said about George W. Bush; like it.
"Where most Politicians are only two faced, Julius Malema provides much more."--I like this, but three examples isn't "much more." I'd suggest making it simply "...provides more."
"...it could still be used as a great excuse whenever the new Government...."--I'd like something more subtle than "excuse," such as "resource."
"He shares this goal with the youth of Britain, as many of them are from South Africa originally and want to stay as far away from it as possible."--I hate laughing at a country I'm not a part of, but this is an lol.
"...person with aids AIDS...."
"In 2003...including '"burning the prison she is locked in", to prevent the jailing of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.' As you go on to the joke "burning Winnie Madikizela-Mandela to death", you might want to reword this--how can she be locked up if they're trying to prevent her being locked up--I think this weakens the joke. Maybe "to protest the jailing" or "to fight against the jailing," which could mean either she's already locked up or not.
You might want to add a few more links--people here seem to like an average of around two or three links per paragraph (I read that in some writing guide here; sorry, don't remember which one), so you might want to add some appropriate links--or funnily inappropriate.
Nice article! WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 17:17, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
ADDITION--forgot to answer your question. I like the reincarnated hero bit, but wouldn't suggest you make too many changes to the article. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 18:00, October 14, 2009 (UTC)

edit Dear UN:PS customer

Bmup smaller The Proofreading Service has proofreaded your article. Like it? Need more proofreading? Click here!


--ChiefjusticeDS 15:05, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

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