User talk:Aleister in Chains/Walk into a bar

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Shempnfieldsncrowley

Shemp, Aleister Crowley, and W.C. Fields walk into a bar. Shemp asks W.C. if he'd like a gin. "Ah, yes," Fields answers. Crowley then does some kind of ju-ju and Fields pays for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night. (other punch lines please)

Punch lines for pic on the right:

edit Is this one good?

"We don't serve your kind here." So a black hole walks into a bar...

This is funny because black holes supposedly move faster than light. -- Tophat headless 01:37, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

I think I saw that somewhere before. Or was it yours before? We have to be very original 'cause there are so many of these jokes around. If we put our collective heads around this page it can be really unique if, and only if, the jokes are cruise-control fantastic. You, of course, are still Magic, and a man. Al minutes later
I didn't make it up, my uncle told it to me. If you don't want it, that's fine. -- Tophat headless 01:58, December 28, 2011 (UTC)
Like iz said, we have to be original or we are dicks. I am a dick anyway, so tell your Uncle to get down on his knees and blow me. hahahahahahahahahahahahha heeheeheeheehee huh? Aleister minutes later
A masochist walks into a bar. Then he walks into the bar again. He walks into it again, harder. He walks into it faster. Faster, and harder. Again and again. Harder, oh god harder. Don't stop. Yes, yes, harder, HARDER. OH MY SWEET JESUS HARDER! HARDER. AH, AH, AH, AAAAAaaah. Then he lights a cigarette. Pup 02:11 28 Dec '11
Three old actors dressed as mobsters walk into a bar and start upstaging each other. Aleister Crowley says "Now listen sunny, meeeeeh you gonna be swimming with the fishes see?" to which W.C. Fields replies "Meeeeh, dat broad over theres gonna come up with me tonight, see, and we will play poker until the cat comes home, meeeeh!" to which Shemp replies to the two "now listen the lot of you, see, im only going to say this once: say your prayers boys ... " and he points his two index fingers at the others and makes a "pow" sound. The two other actors cover their blood soaked stomaches and stare at Shemp. "So cold, see, so cold" says Crowly. And Shemp throws a few bills onto the table and escorts the broad out the exit "and give the bar a round of rye on the rocks and put er on my tab, see" as everyone else claps a standing ovation. The other two bleed to death and their hearts stop beating at about the same time. The crowd goes absolutely wild and sings a 50s style mob song in their honour. --ShabiDOO 02:28, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

I removed these two of dubious hilarity:

  • A Jew, Nigger and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender says, Get The Fuck Outta Here! (Not Exactly mine, but I thought it ought to be here)
  • Two men and a robot walk into a bar. Ba-dum ching.

Also, I've heard the Black Hole one be told with Neutrinos instead. -- Littleboyonly TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly 21:09, December 28, 2011 (UTC)

I recall something about faster-than-light neutrinos too. The weird thing is, though, if the neutrino traveled faster than light and ended up in the past, shouldn't it appear even earlier in the text as opposed to ending up behind the bartender's statement? Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 00:08, 29 December 2011
Oh wait, I see. Because the neutrino is traveling into the past, the chronology of events is reversed. How would a superluminal particle manage to interact with a subluminal bartender, though? Man, this stuff is complicated. Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 00:25, 29 December 2011
Wait, I figured it out. To the bartender, the neutrino would appear to be talking and walking backwards. To the neutrino, everything and everyone around it would seem to be doing everything backwards. So this means the story can only be told from one point of view at a time:
  • Either: Disappointedly, the neutrino walks out of the bar. The neutrino sees a sign that reads "We don't serve drinks to superluminal particles." A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.
  • Or: A bartender sees a neutrino walking into his bar, backwards. The bartender points the neutrino to a sign that reads "We don't serve drinks to superluminal particles." The neutrino responds by saying ".esaelp ,reeb a evah ll'I" and immediately proceeds to walk out of the bar, backwards. The bartender reflects: "Those damn superluminal particles just don't make any sense."
  • Or alternatively: A bartender sees a neutrino walking into his bar, backwards. The bartender tells the neutrino: "We don't serve drinks to superluminal particles." The neutrino answers by saying "Lanimulrepus ton m'I tub." The bartender annoyedly replies "Look, I have no idea what you just said, but maybe this sign will make things a little clearer to that faster-than-light brain of yours," and he holds up a sign reading "We don't serve drinks to superluminal particles." The neutrino, realizing its mistake, gets closer towards the bartender and whispers into his ear the following: "Sorry sir, my backwardness is just an act I put on so I'd fit in with my superluminal cousins. I assure you, in reality I'm much slower than the speed of light." "Oh," says the bartender, "so how's that been working out for you?" "It's actually rather complicated, sir," states the neutrino, "I have to answer questions before they're even asked, while my faster-than-light relatives think they've already asked them. I usually just nod, backwards of course."
Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 00:38, 29 December 2011
I'm going to wait until we've got a few more and remove a few myself, I think. Or at least re-work them. Also someone will need to sort out the formatting at some point.. --Black Flamingo 00:14, December 29, 2011 (UTC)
  • Since I can take a joke about my nationality and stereotypes of it, I have thought of a likely poor quality "Walked into a bar" joke:

"An American walks into a bar. A McDonald's sets up shop the next day." --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 04:21, January 18, 2012 (UTC)

edit This is all I've got.

It's not really original, at all. But it always makes me laugh.

An Irishman walks into a crowded pub. Seeing two men seated side-by-side at the bar, he stops to listen in on their conversation for a moment.
"Where are you from?" says one of the men.
"Kinsale, in County Cork," replies the other.
"Go an' shite!" shouts the first one.
"No, certainly," says the second one.
"I'm fro' Kinsale, too!" says the first one. "Another drink for Kinsale!"
They slam down a pair of whiskeys.
"Where'd ya go to school?" asks the first man.
"St. Mulrose's School for Incourrigible Boys," replies the second, unsteadily.
"Blimey O'Reilly's trousers!" shouts the first. "So did I! Another drink for St. Mulrose!"
They slosh back another pair of whiskeys.
"Where'd ye' live when ye' were a wee lad?" asks the first one.
"In a house on O'Connell Lane," replies the second.
"Mary o' Mother! That's where I lived!"
They pour back another pair of whiskeys. The Irishman, satisfied, walks off, and finds his own seat at the bar.
"What's the news?" asks the bartender, sliding the Irishman a glass.
"Oh, the usual," replies the Irishman, jabbing his thumb in the direction of the first two men. "The O'Hallahan twins are drunk again."  ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Dec 28 '11 23:15 (UTC)

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus enter a bar. Which one of them orders a double entendré with a twist of lemon?
The dumb blonde - the other two don't exist. The preceding unsigned comment was added by PuppyOnTheRadio (talk • contribs)

Removed due to lack of originality:

  • A panda walks into a bar, asks for a sandwich. The panda then eats the sandwich, shoots the guy next to him with a gun, and leaves. The Panda returns the next day and the bartender ask him, "Hey! Why'd you shoot my best customer yesterday? No one believed me when I said it was you, but I know it was, so why?" The panda replies, "See panda in the dictionary." The bartender gets a dictionary and flips over to the section about the pandas. He reads, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves." ::Pup 02:37 29 Dec '11
    Aww, but I liked that one. Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 10:50, 29 December 2011
    You might appreciate then that is Australia wombat is a slang term for a guy who is afraid of commitment, because when you look up the description it says "Eats roots and leaves." Pup 01:33 29 Dec '11
I eat roots and leaves. Just to let you guys know, I've kept away from these pages since I've seen all the activity going on. You all seem to be doing a yeoman's job, whatever that means. I';; try to think of at least one more "walk into a bar" and get back here in the next couple of days. Aleister 2:42 30-12-'11

edit This

Gonna get mainspaced any time? -- Littleboyonly TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly 22:38, June 20, 2012 (UTC)

Personal tools
projects