User:Zombiebaron/wip/UnBooks:The Judge Sentenced Me To Write This Fucking Book
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This, children, is about to be the best day of your life so far. I'm not even fucking kidding, kids. I am about to blow your minds. And do you know why? I'll fucking tell you why! Part of the reason that I'm about to fucking kick the shit out whatever it is that you thought you knew about everything and anything, is because my piece of crap lawyer persuaded that judge that I am an artist. So strap in young ones. Not only will this book rock and sock your world, like some 5 inch robot, but it will also teach some kind of valuable lesson thing, I'm told. Why? Because the judge sentenced me to community service, you litte shit.
The First Chapter: Death
Your gerbil is not sleeping. Grandma, Uncle James, nor that Thai hooker that Daddy spent Tuesday afternoons with during the first 6 years of your worthless little life are ever coming back. Neither are the dinosaurs, Jimi Hendrix, Syd Barrett, John Belushi, Adlof Hitler, Oscar Wilde, Bruce Lee, nor Abraham Lincon. Because they are fucking dead. And the sooner you realize that fact, the better off we'll all be. I'll be getting to "storks" a little bit later, but seriously kids, pay attention. There is no Grim Reaper. I would know. I've strangled a man to death with his own garden hose. Nobody showed up with harvesting tools and long black robes. His eyes glazed over, and his body went limp. And now I'm writing books for urchins who probably don't even know which direction an "e" faces. But yeah. That's death. Fucking live with it.
Second Chapter: Metaphysics
Chapter 3: Knives
Knives. Oh, knives knives knives. Where to begin? Knives are sharp. It seems simple, but its really really important. You can use them for anything, really. Back in like the 1920s, all these guys in shiny suits would use giant knives called "swords" to kill each other. That's important history. There was also this King Arthur guy. He was played by Clive Owens in the film. Anyway, King Arthur was killed by this one guy, and then fuck. We had like fucking World War One. Pay fucking attention kids. This probably the most important part of this book as far as raw facts. I'm basically teaching you all of history. Anyway, then Adolf Hitler came into Middle Earth, changed its name to Earth, killed Jesus and like 20 billion jews, then destroyed the Roman Empire. Eventually, Winston Churchill killed Adlof Hitler, discovered Canada, and destroied the One Ring. I read all this shit in prison. JRR Tolkien is one fucking boring history-writing-man. He uses all these metaphors and crap. Also, Jesus was a lion.
4: Pretending to be smart so that other people will like you more and then you won't have to fucking drown their cat and leave the corpse in their bed
Alright, so this is a little fucking story thing. I was in prison, as I fucking said before. And this fucking huge cuntface wanted to like rape me or something. And then he did. Anyway, the moral of the story, is to make obscure refrences. Shut the fuck up, Donny. See what I did there kids? Yeah. You'll understand when you're older.
The Last Chapter
Oh hell yeah. So, like, I was fucking talking to my lawyer. Fucking cock sucker. Anyway. Kids. This'll be the last chapter of this fucking terrible book. STOP SMILING. Apparantly, all I need is five chapters and a moral. Because you fucking bottom feeders can't read good or something. Anyway, the moral. Right. Alright, here it is. "The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means." I'm sure you can all see how that fucking applies to something that you read recently. Think about it. You fucking idiots.