User:Zombiebaron/wip/Lord Voldemort

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“Often surrounded by grues, Lord Voldemort is a vicious opponent, though his grue guards usually kill anyone who gets near before he can fight his opponents himself. When not protected by grues, Lord Voldemort will frequently cast the three Unforgiveable Curses: the Imperius Curse, the Cruciatus Curse, and the Killing Curse. Out of these, only the Cruciatus Curse offers any hope for the opponent.”
~ Zork2 on Lord Voldemort



HomelessMan

Lord Voldemort is cleverly diguised as a homeless man in this recent photo.

Lord Voldemort often disguises himself as a fat homeless man, who lives on the corner of Freeman St. and Brown St. near Boston, on a grate. This, however, is very misleading to some people, who do not realize that the fat is actually 459 grues stuffed up the good Lord's shirt. But the reason Lord Voldermort dresses up in this fashion is because Lord Voldemort is an agent of The Dark Side of the Repo. His overall mission in life is to kill the RepoChancellor, just like the RepoChancellor killed Lord Voldemort's homeworld of Oa.

Sauron is known to be Voldemorts superior. Voldemort is Sauron's favorite puppet to play with and beat up. This is why he always seems to be hiding somewhere.

Early Life

Exploding Oa

A photo of Oa blowing up. Lord Voldemort's spaceship is not visible.

As stated above, in this article's introduction, Lord Voldemort's home world of Oa was destroyed by the entire RepoArmy in the grand war of 1991. Lord Voldemort's parents fashioned a tiny rocket that (using black hole theory and a large engine) was supposed to propel the young Lord to Earth, giving him super powers (they hoped), and giving him a chance at revenge. However the rocket brought the good Lord Voldemort down on the second moon of Earth, due to its close proximity to the real target, named Grue. Grue is where the Grue came from originally, before Zork packaged them up and exported them to first world countries inside packages of their game. Lord Voldemort, landing on the planet Grue, happened to squish the Wicked Witch Grue, killing her in one blow. Lord Voldemort, disembarking from his spaceship found that all the grues were willing to do his bidding and love him forever because he had set them free from their evil mistress.

The Mission Continues

In 1998 Lord Voldemort stormed the NRA headquarters, by trapping new recruits during their testing, and torturing them until they told him the location of the headquarters. Using his army of Grue and his homeless man disguse (well they are basically the same, because without the Grue, Lord Voldemort's disguise would be a skinny homeless man, which doesn't exist), Lord Voldemort entered the NRA headquarters. Fighting his way past the RepoSentinels, however proved too hard for Lord Voldemort and he lost both his legs after killing only 5 (out of 10 possible) RepoSentinels (with the Grue's help of course). Lord Voldemort now has robot legs, and 5 blue Reposwords that he is planning to use in his next attack on the NRA headquarters.

Common Myths

As demonstrated in the quote at the top of this page, it is a common belief that Lord Voldemort has magic powers, because he is the only person to ever kill more then one RepoSentinel and survive. Common myths include:

Swordfish

Despite what the New York Time might think, Lord Voldemort is not a swordfish

  • Lord Voldemort can fly
  • Lord Voldemort is dead
  • Lord Voldemort is the Grim Reaper
  • Lord Voldemort is a grue
  • Lord Voldemort always lies and
  • Lord Voldemort always tells the truth
  • Lord Voldemort is a swordfish
  • Lord Voldemort is a NRA marketing ploy
  • Lord Voldemort hasn't a clue what a comma is
  • Lord Voldemort has got pimples

These myths are commonly spread through word of mouth, or on large NRA billboards (which obviously slander their enemy, with ever mentioning the NRA directly). The myth that Lord Voldemort is a swordfish is belived to have been started The New York Times, on the rare April 1st, 1801 issue.

Current situation

Most people are quite sure where Lord Voldemort is right now and what he is doing, although there have been numerous sightings of him riding a flying motorcycle into the sunset. Respected faith healers have proved that he will be back to destroy the NRA once and for all, and also that he may be building a wallmounted laserbeam holder on the moon.

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