User:Zombiebaron/Aristocrats

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TheAristocrats

Our story begins in the hallway outside the office of Mr. Maldornstrum, Talent Agent. Its not a very wide hallway, on the third floor of a rather unexciting building. If you can picture the aisle at your local grocery, you've got the right idea of how wide the hallway in Mr. Maldornstrum's building is. Today started out as a rather drab, dull, and ordinary day for Ted Maldornstrum, but this is neither the time or the place to discuss Maldornstrum's toast. No, today is about to take a turn for our Talent Agent friend. A turn that is not, by any means, drab, dull, or ordinary. For, today at 2:30 in the afternoon Mr. Maldornstrum has an appointement with fate. Except in this case, fate wears an old raincoat, has 12 children and a wife, and is named Fredrick Tounge.
Well, would you look at that, its nearly 2:30 now, and Fredrick is already huffing and puffing his way up past the second floor of Mr. Maldornstrum's building. Its not that he's a fat man. In fact, he's pretty good looking for a man of his age. But that's neither here nor there. Oh, now he's placing his moist hand on the knob, turning it skillfully with a deft flick of his wrist. Walking into the waiting room. Taking a seat on the couch between the two plastic ficuses. In a moment, three midgets walk out of Mr. Maldronstrum's office, grinning from ear to ear. Fredrick stands up, composes himself, and steps boldly ino Mr. Maldornstrum's office.
Now, it must be understood that Mr. Maldornstrum deals mainly in plate spinners, and he represents 90% of the plate spinners that you know. He branches out now and again, such as the three midgets he dealt with earlier, but he ussually sticks as close to the art of spinning as possible. Fredrick Tounge is aware of this fact, but Mr. Maldornstrum's name was the first under "Talent Agent" in the phone directory. You see, Fredrick is looking to have his family's stage preformance show represented by Mr. Maldornstrum. All of this flashes through Fredrick's mind as he walks into Mr. Maldornstrum's office.

"Alright, Mr. Tounge, is it?"
"Yessir, that's me."
"You told me over that phone that you'd like me to represent your family's stage preformance show, right?"
"Yes yes. Have you given it any though?"
"Well, yes. And the news isn't good. However, while I was doing some background research on your background, I found some...uh...how should I say it...'interesting stuff'."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I think you had better describe your show for me."
"Ah, I was expecting you to want a description. That's why I brought the whole gang along. If its alright with you, we'd like to preform our stage preformance show for you, right here, in your office."
"Oh. Well, I don't think that would be much of a problem."

Fredrick stands up, pulls his [[cellphone out of his pocket, presses the number two, and says, "Its go time", before hanging up, and sitting back down. The room begins to flood with small children and animals, Greta Tounge, proud winner of the Miss USSR Pagent 1981, bring up the rear like a master sheepdog. In total, there are 12 children, along with 4 goats, several bags full of props, 2 smoke machines, and a moose.
Oh, I failed to mention that Greta was carrying a boombox, into which she places a cassette labeled "Stage Preformance Show Mix-Tape", then hits the button with the little arrow pointing to the right. The play button.
Suddenly, "The Only Mistake", a song by Joy Division, fills the tiny office, at full volume. The smoke machine are switched on, and large pieces of wood are dragged out of the bags of props, to form a large pile. Chanting in Swedish, Fredrick tounge douses the pile of wood in gasoline, and light the pile ablaze with a match. Mr. Maldornstrum appears about to speak, then thinks better, and resumes watching.
At this point, the song is over, and "Hear Full Of Soul", as preformed by The Yardbirds, begins, as the whole family begin to dance around the pile of burning wood, chanting the lyrics. The 4 goats kill the moose, construct a spit, and begin to spit roast the moose. As the family dance around the fire, they begin to remove their clothing, in a very sensual fashion. Mr. Maldornstrum is shocked at how stunningly attractive all the members of the family are, even the 4-year-old boy, Jack.
At this point, the entire family begins to move their firm buttocks towards the fire. Oh my, they are all defecating on the fire. At the same time. That, folks, is real talent. I'm sure Mr. Maldornstrum will accept thim after that little display. But wait, there's more. It appears that the goats have drilled holes in the cooked moose, and all the men of the family are going to, literally, cream stuff the moose, while the women are satisfied by the legs of the goats, which they are chopping off with axes, found in the prop bags. This is truely a sight.
The next musical number has started, "What The World Needs Now Is Love", as preformed by Jackie DeShannon. I can't take my eyes away, as the moose, now overfull with the seeds of 6 men, some of which are only boys, explodes, spraying guts and semen all over the room. The men turn to the legless bodies of the 4 goats next, giving them the same treatment, before creating "snow angels" in the puddels of pink bloody semen covered guts. This sight brings the females to a climax.
Mr. Maldornstrum can hardly believe his eyes. This is exactly the kind of act that he needs in order to make it big. As he stands up, about to draw up a contract, Fredrick Tounge pulls out the grand finalé. His Tounge-tounge. Suddenly, as Fredrick preforms cunnilingus on 8 women, many only small girls, the music changes to "I Was Made For Loving You", by KISS.
The cunnilingus lasts for the duration of the song, before "Ride of the Valkyries", as preformed by The American Symphony Orchestra, begins. At this point, Mr. Tounge pulls a hatchet out of the bag of props, and slaughters all 13 members of his family, stands up, and bows. Shocked, Mr. Maldornstrum stands up and asks, "Well, if they're all dead, how can I be your talent agent?"

"Oh, don't worry. It only takes me about a year to assemble and train a crew."
"Wonderful. I can see it now. Thousands of people will flock to see your show. And it will only run once a year. The supply and demand possibility will be endless. Say, what do you call this act?"

Fredrick Tounge smiles, and with a flourish says, "The Aristocrats"

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