User:Zip Zip Kanute/Crabatulance

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edit Crabatulance

Crabatulance, or to 'walk the path of crabatulance' is an archiac term relating to the distressing crab-like gait sometimes adopted by the common northern Englishman (c1800s). It is still enjoyed and considered a popular past-time in some major northern cities such as Manchester and Liverpool.

Although popular up until the turn of last century, 'walking the path of crabatulance' is now thought to be in decline and is rarely observed outside of the home. Contrary to popular belief, public outbursts of 'extreme crabatulance' are still reported in many city centres, with disturbing footage captured on CC Televisions supporting the claims.

It is said that crabatulance can be enhanced after 'swiggage'.


edit Etymology

The precise origin of the word is still unknown, although there are two main theories.

Many liguists suggest the term may have been coined by world-famous author and scientologist Lewis Carroll in the 1860s, after the word was spotted in a rare copy of his unpublished children's book 'Johnny Cockroot'. The story depicts a ugly brown child in a surrealistic nightmarish vision of Africa set in the near future.

"…"Cripes" he smacked. Nwibankomunchok couldn't find his shoes, nor his oatmeal cakes, or his bilgetanks. They'd been stolen, yet again, by the devious Johnny Cockroot during one of his intermittent performances of extreme crabatulance…" An excerpt from 'Johnny Cockroot' by Lewis Carroll.

Unfortunately for Carroll, 'Johnny Cockroot' was never actually published due to accidental copyright infringement. Records suggest that Carroll himself, undeterred, distributed hand written copies of the book from an old horse and farrier in the south London area in the 1860s.

Other etymologists differ in opinion, claiming that the word is derived from two very popular words of the era; 'crab'; meaning octo-arthropodic crustacean, and 'Tulance', meaning 'to shunt horrible-like'.

edit Reputation

Mancunian celebrity Pats Cream, and The Most Reverand Rowan Williams The Archbishop of Canterbury, have both championed Crabatulance claiming it "freshens the soul" and "brings you closer to God", with the later providing a quote to funny-man Jonathon Ross in October 2009.

"To truly be one with God, one must walk the path of crabatulance." The Most Reverand Rowan Williams The Archbishop of Canterbury on The Jonathon Ross Show.

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