User:Zim ulator/Zim Buddhism
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“I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction..."”
Zim Buddhism is a degenerate form of actual Buddhism. An accidental encounter with Zen practice in Okinawa in the late 1970s is the cannibis seed of beginning.
edit The Principle of zimizm, an Anti-cult
“zimizm ism the schism that ism zimizm”
The first duty a novice perform when embracing Zim Buddhism as a way of life is to denounce Reverend Zim_ulator as the One True Salvation of Mankind, the Indivisible, the Bat Fuck Insane, and to break themselves away from the One True Thing into a schism of their very own. The novice may still be called Zim Buddhists, but in actuality, they're created a bud of the Original Tree, and made it their own.
edit The Four Malleable Truths
“Yeah, they show me in the movie drinking Sombreros, but what I really enjoy is a cold Belching Hyena Stout.”
- Life is tough, life is hard, so grease it up with antelope lard.
- Dickness is a side effect of being human.
- Humans can harness their dickness to save sentient all beings.
- Stop being such an unbelievably huge dick!
- 4. They say to transcend being a dick is the Path of Zim Buddhism. Who "they" are is up for debate.
edit The Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim Buddhism
Like regular and premium Buddhism, Zim Buddhism has philosophical underpinnings. In our tradition we call them the Seven Bridge Abuttments of Zim. These are similar to the Five Pillars of Buddhism that all the fancy-pants Buddhists believe in. Six Abuttments are actual ideas; the odd abuttment is the beginning of the Bridge to Nowhere, and has no corresponding principles rooted in reality. In Alaska this is know as the Sarah Palin Principle, but in the rest of the know world it is called the Excercise in Futility. Reverend Zim_ulator experienced four years of concentrated futility while enlisted in the United States Air Force.
“I blazing your hyena.”
These are things which must be believed by Zim Buddhists.
- Evelyn The Modified Dog is the Doggess of our Faith, and should be worshiped on the Pi of the hour. Evelyn is in fact a dog, but during transmutation of Holy Communion, She becomes the flews and anal glands of the Holy Incarnation of Dog In spirit, however, She lives the life of a cat, in that She does what she damned well pleases.
- The Universe began its current incarnation of approximately 14 billion years as a Dog. Roman Catholics misspell this frequently as God.
edit Embrace your inner dickness
We are humans, and thus, cannot help being dicks. Hiding this fact behind a facade of ingeniousness leads to unhappiness, and begins a cycle of ever-increasing dickness. This manifests itself as irritability, asshole behavior, and an unhealthy attraction to politics.
The workaround is, embrace your inner dickness and employ it in your humor. In this way, the natural dickness of your spirit has a harmless outlet. This has been proven by Taoist and Buddhist logic; you'll have to take my word for it.
edit Moral Principles
- Try not being such an almighty big dick!
- Zulch! Is the auto works! I'm telling you, that's where they take all the cars that they hurt!
Being the dirt under your rollers is a good start towards build your very own collection of macrame owls.
You can drink alcohol, just don't be a dick about it.
Have you tried adjusting your meds?
Trust in Reverend Zim_ulator. Or not.
You don't have to do any of these things, but you may, if you like.
- Hyena blazing
- Hyena bathing
- Pilgrimage to
- or perform the Ritual of Sparkly Poop (Goldschlager consumption will work)
- Yelling at ashtrays
edit Holy Scriptures
- Hyena blazing - This particular text is a good introduction for converts of a Monotheistic background. It makes as much sense as the books of Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Christianity, Islam, or The Bahá'í Faith,
- Man was dead and was not agreed explains how the Universe was created.
edit Don't Pull Your Guts
A wise man once said, "be careful, or you'll pull your guts." Proceeding through existence sans undue stress and bullshit makes things much easier to deal with.