User:Zim ulator/UnHoroscope Catbox

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edit Week of June 10, 2013

This Week's Horoscopes

Your birthday this week: Gemini! You were born with a prehensile tail, but your parents never told you about it, you little freak. Your dual nature can lower your chances of passing that drivers test. Believing that Dracula is real will get you far in life. Vocations of Geminis include seal and otter repair, hated business executive, competitive eater, lambaster and prophet.

Famous Geminis include Regis Philbin , Henry VIII, Pol Pot, Curious George, Ricardo Montalban, Simon and Garfunkel, Jay-Z (band), Caesar Augustus, Bilbo Baggins and Lao-Tze.

  • Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week is a good time to start that smuggling business you've been thinking about. Use the money you've been squirreling away in lieu of paying taxes.
  • Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Cancel any plans for moving to Idaho or being abducted by aliens. Your blood may turn green, in which case, get to a hospital quickly.
  • Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Consider a career in badger cobbling. Check on that smell, but be furtive. It may be something dangerous.
  • Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your friends are getting tired of your doing the "I am Sparta!" thing. If you must sputter memes publicly, try "Reject Christ! Accept Bacon!"
  • Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Your name is not Shake Zula, nor are you the mind fooler. Invest in Retractable Gerbil Systems late Friday morning, sell the following Wednesday by 19:17 EST.
  • Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Jihadists think your mom is hot. Try adding margarine to the gas tank to clear up that engine knocking. Avoid scones made with fish this week.
  • Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Get in some boating this weekend. Refrain from assaulting your boss with those fucking brass baby shoes on his desk. Your break dancing days are over.
  • Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Wear a ski mask this week when you make purchases at small shops. Take up running, especially to and from small shops.
  • Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Never mind the popular advice, keep on drinking heavily. It's the only thing that makes you tolerable to others.
  • Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - When someone at a sporting event calls you an athletic supporter, they are not complimenting you. If this happens, punch them in the face and accuse them of child rape.
  • Aries (March 20 - April 19) - That noise you've been hearing nights? You will discover the source Thursday. Be prepared to be disgusted and horrified.
  • Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Talmudic scholars will dispute your right to exist, some time midweek. Challenge them to shave their beards while reciting Dolly Parton lyrics backwards.
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