User:Zim ulator/Catbox
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Note to self: Create category:Articles with extremely long sentences
Stephen Colbert takes reins of governorship in south carolina
Sen. Jake Knotts from NY Daily News June 23; "Who is at the helm? The Iran is acting up, and what about weather catastrophies? Hopefully no decision has to be made."
"Precisely! someone has to bein charge when Iran makes good it's age old threat to attack Charleston with its' weather."
"Clearly someone should be at the helo of South Carolina. He must be charismatic, decisive, and most importantly, present. Therefore, I Stephen T. Colbert, hereby declare myself the new governor of South carolina. i have filled the power vacuum!"
Brain surgery patient abandoned mid-surgery; "He was rude"
GARDEN CITY, New York -- One of the highest-paid doctors in New York sotormed out of the operating room during delicat brain surgery on an already-anesthetized patient because, "He was rude." Dr. Terrance Monotreme had been performing neurosurgeries at North Shore University Hospital-Long Island Jewish Medical Center for 47 years until his suspension for this incident.
The patient, who the hospital would not identify, was admitted for injuries sustained during an aerial stunt gone horribly wrong. Details are sketchy, but Federal Avation Administrations' spokesperson Emmett
While hanging upside down from a biplane, he was dragged through an unfortunately placed pile of manufacturing waste. Although the stunt man sustained dozens of bruises and scratches, the life threatening problem was oxygen deprivation to his brain.
After hours of prep before surgery, the surgeon had removed a large section of skull and was stimulating parts of the patients' brain to elicit responses in order to map brain functions. The patient muttered something about the doctors wife.
- I recognise your voise.
- You do? I don't believe we've met before.
- Yeah, I remember hearing you in another room, looking for your wife, I think. Oh! That was last month when my <inswrt descriptor here> and I were having sex and... her husband came home!
Goes on to talk about what great sex they had, doctor storms out.
True origins of Egyptian pyramids discovered
EGYPT, The Desert -- In February of 1838, Sir Perfunctory Giblets, third Earl of Retch, was casting about in the ruins of fourth dynasty Egyptian Pharaoh Menkaures' mortuary temple. He uncovers a small slab of granite with unusual depictions of what appears to be rodents pushing stones
The astute proto-archeologist wrote in his field notes, "The relief shows what appears to be a beaver moving rocks about, as the pyramid of Menkaures is being constructed in the background. However, this is out of keeping with the current state of drawing figures at this time, which consists of crude two dimensional depictions. The concept of perspective in art hadn't been discovered until the Renaissance period. Curious, indeed."
According to world history expert and scholar Alan Greenspan, "In fact,, Greek statesman in the 420s BC Alcibiades had paintings in his house designed based on skenographia, or three dimensional-appearing stage art, but the idea of perspective in graphical representation was certainly not invented when these ruins were built."
Unfortunately, the piece of ancient history in temporary storage at the home of Bridget Clougherty when she was killed, and the tablet swept out to sea by the Great Molasses Flood of 1919. History remembered the Earl as an eccentric, lying bastard with a penchant for differential calculus.
Fast forward to present day digs at the same site, and Dr. Zahi Hawass brushes sand from an approximately one meter square slab of granite containing those same depictions described by Sir Perfunctory.
Snapping-assed bull frog
Fucking fuck fuckers
How to defenestrate a sea-going mammal
Narcissism
Listen to me! This is my article, so don't fuck with it! I mean it. It's very important to me, because it's my favorite thing I've written about me since the last time I wrote something. Well, not about me, maybe, but in my head, it's me making all those pictures on the wall of the cave while Plato asks me what is real. My answer? Why, me, of course.
Reality show - Make Me A Miserable Cunt
Inspired by "Make Me A Super Model"
“I was never successful at anything I didn't try”
~ Oscar Wilde on Water boarding
“i don't want to have to waste my time talking to people.”
~ major reverend zim_ulator on Staircase and cheddarBBQ
“You're killing two birds with one stoner.”
~ wolf on the impending legalisation of marijuana in the United States
Iraqnoid
high concept writing ... pffffft
Gonzales testifies
Spritual Predictive Health Sciences
Psychic doctors predict problems, ascribe a preventative measure, doctor gets paid, patient does not get cancer, everybody's happy.
==
There once was a man with a fulcrum,
Who had a great pain in his sacrum.
To move a great weight,
He did miscalculate,
And now the pain's moved to his scrotum
Son cuts off father’s penis as a dare
http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/05/05/fatherandson/
http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/05/25/1909/ Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers
