From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I can not TELL YOU how sick I am of being compared to Glenn Beck!”
“I can not TELL YOU how sick I am of Douchewibbler being compared to Glenn Beck!”
“He is a lot like Glenn Beck.”
“I think he's pretty cool.”
“You're a douche..wibbler..”
Douglas A. Douchewibbler, (Born October 15, 1965) is..well, he's an asshole. I mean, let's just get that out of the way now, he is absolutely insufferable. I mean, think male Sarah Palin, mixed with Chuck Norris, and a little Cthulhu, and that's pretty much what you get. Total asshole. As a matter of fact, he's almost as bad as Glenn Beck. Not quite, but almost.
Douchewibbler, not to be confused with a douchebag, was born in Nantucket, Massachusetts in 1965, to two parents - Sucha and Whatta, Douchewibbler. While his given name is Douglas, he actually had the audacity to use his parent's surnames as his own name, thereby stealing it from them, which is thought by all - even Captain Oblivious - to be a massive show of disrespect. (How he did this will be explained later.) Truthfully, everyone should've known what kind of an asshole he would be, even before birth, as while in the womb, he set the Guiness World Record for number of kicks from a Fetus - at a staggering 216 kicks throughout the nine months, breaking the previous record of 197 kicks, which was held by Bono. Moments after an excrutiating, bloody, 114-hours of labor, when Douchewibbler was finally brought into the world, the first thing he did was flip off the doctor, and let him know what a shitty C-Section he had just performed.
He even wrote a review of it for In-Utero Weekly - an omen of things to come - giving it only 1.5 out of 5 Placentas, calling it the "sloppiest act of child labor this side of Octo-mom", even going as far as saying that "Mommy 'batin with the Statue Of Liberties' Torch would've left things in better shape.". Said doctor lost his medical license within a week of the review being published. After all, the general concensous was "Hey, he's the baby that was being delivered. There are few that would know better than him what kind of job was done. Plus, if you can't trust a month old baby to tell the truth, then who the hell can you trust?"
Truly, this was the birth of an asshole.
In his early years, his parents were swift to take notice of young Douchewibbler's nature. At Age 3, he onced locked up the family cat in a cage in the basement, and left it there for over three weeks, nearly causing it to die of starvation - when questioned, he claimed that it looked at him funny, then went back to playing his Game and Watch. At Age 5, he was credited as the one to start that whole "Burn ants with a magnifying glass" fad. He was very elated when he saw the ant's suffering, as he had tried a number of differant objects, ranging from kazoos to kaleidoscopes, with the intention of setting fire to the innocent hole dwellers. Since that day, he has racked up an unofficial body count of 7,102 ants. He claims that he still burns a few every now and then, but that it is just more of a hobby to pass the time then the passion that it once was when he was a child.
His most controversial action, however, came at age 11, in which he tricked the innocent and naive 12-year-old Courtney Love into losing her virginity to him. Afterwards, he waited for her to fall asleep, before taking her to an abandoned highway, and leaving her in some random gutter to die. She didn't die, but was incredibly scarred by it, as she was forced to live in that gutter for two years before finding her way back home. Some claim she never has recovered from this. When asked about the incident, Douchewibbler simply shrugged, and stated "It was just a harmless prank". Love would later speak out on this, telling one magazine journalist that "He was the worst boyfriend I ever had. *Hic* He's ruined my entire life, *Hic* and I pray that he dies in a fire. *Hic* Also, he has the endowment of a fetus! *Hic*" The young Douchewibbler responded by reviewing this article, giving it 2 penises out of 10, and stating that "It was as biased as it was short. Also, there's no way she remembers what my penis looked like, she was way too drugged - I mean drunk, at the time." The public took Douchewibbler's side on this - likely because by the time the two had started revealing this, Love had been thought of as even more insufferable than Douchewibbler.
By age 15, he had been kicked out of the house by his parents, and responded in turn by suing them over their own surname, for reasons he's yet to reveal. Everyone that heard of this case laughed off the notion that he could win - until of course, they learned that his lawyer was Johnnie Cochran. His airtight case was capped off with this closing statement;
“...ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a 15-year-old who wishes to steal his parent's surnames, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must rule in favor of the plaintiff! The prosecution rests.”
Needless to say, young Douglas walked out of that courtroom with sole ownership of his family's name.
edit Young Adult years
Now with his former surname as his only name, Douchewibbler spent the rest of his youth in Beverly Hills. From age 15 to 18, his behavior seemed to tone down, which caused many to question his snootiness. He responded to this by performing the most snobby act one could ever perform. An act that proves that his douchiness is eternal, and will never wash away. An act that defied all, and deepy offended Raptor Jesus.
He enrolled at USC.
Little more has to be said about this stage of Douchewibbler's life.
The now 22-year-old Douchewibbler, fresh off of graduating from that vile school that we shall never again mention, began pondering what to do with his life. His first plan was to mooch off of his parents, but he quickly realized that his parents would never take him back in after the way he seperated from them. For one brief, shining moment, he held remorse for something that he once did. But he became distracted by this really hot 15 year old girl, and this feeling left him, never to return again.