User:Zana Dark/Count Chocula

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Not to be confused with Chris Chocola.

“Three! Three! Three girls giving me a Count Chocula!”
~ Count Dracula on Count Chocula

Count Ernst Chocula was born the third child of the vampire couple Milk and Cocoa Chocula, Estonian landowers, in the late autumn of 1873. Instead of craving blood like Count Dracula, the Choculas crave chocolate breakfast cereal. [1]

edit Early Years

Ernst Chocula's parents were well-established traders of Baltic grain who-- by the early twentieth century--had established a monopolistic hold on the export markets of Lithuania, Latvia and southern Finland. A clever child, Ernst advanced quickly through secondary schooling and, at the age of nineteen, was managing one of six family farms, along with his father and older brother, Grinsh.


Count Chocula during his 'self-exploration' period.

By twenty-four, he appeared in his first "barrelled cereal" endorsement, as the Chocula family debuted "Ernst Chocula's Golden Wheat Muesli", a packaged mix that was intended for horses, mules, and the hospital ridden. Belarussian immigrant silo-tenders started cutting the product with vodka, creating a crude mush-paste they called "gruhll" or "gruell," and would eat the concoction each morning before work. This trend unwittingly spread, with alcohol being replaced by sheep--and then cow's milk. The demand for the Chocula's "cereal" reached as far south as Poland and as far west as the northern Jutland province of Denmark. It wasn't long before the unmistakable image (the original packaging, a three gallon wooden vat which featured a burnt etching of a jubilant, overalled Ernst holding a large dog and grinning) made a pop-cultural splash throughout all of Europe and northern Africa. In fact, Tunisia's "Carthagian Sand Crunch" was seen as the first imitation of the Chocula brand.

edit The Rival General

Meanwhile, in the "textile paradise" region of South Beach, Miami, General Peter Mills - a celebrated turret gunner in McKinley's navy - was first beginning to mine America's seemingly insatiable desire to consume food before high noon. The trend, initially known in the United States as "brekkfest," had first appeared in 1903 with Dominic Eggo's invention of "wassled" or "waffled" bread, and really picked up steam throughout the teens and twenties, when eating in the morning was no longer deemed a sin by the Anglo-Catholic church. News of Chocula's economic domination across the Atlantic fascinated and troubled Mills, who was eager for similar success. [2]

In 1927, while vacationing the Iberian peninsula, Mills first encountered three discarded barrels of "Duke Chocula's Animal Supplement" (the name and design of the product had undergone several makeovers throughout the previous seven years, the most recent of which featured Ernst dressed in a cape and tiara, reflecting his family's oft-disputed ties to Eurasian royalty). Immediately intrigued, Mills brought one with him on his boat ride back to the States, and spent the twenty-three day trip obsessively studying the packaging.

In the spring of 1929, General Mills' "Prince Chocula's Morning Digestive" was picked up for distribution in three dozen pharmacies, grocery stands and agrarian carts throughout New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and northern Maryland. The public response was confused and angered at the recipe's savory, clove-like sting to the tastebuds. An apparent confusion over the name led many to believe the breakfast was made from chocolate, and by 1931 the formula had been updated to reflect the nation's collective sweet tooth. In 1932, boxes were labeled simply "Count Chocula's Chocolate Food" and Peter Mills was named Life Magazine's "Humanitarian of the Year, 1933".

edit The Count's Revenge


Your cereal is NOT SAFE.

Ernst despised General Mills for using using his likeness without his permission. One day Count Chocula, after lurking about his castle, thinking sinister-filled, decided to roam the American countryside, pillaging, terrorizing, and in other words, eating every single box of "Count Chocula's Chocolate Food" he could find. This effort however, would not stop other from following in the General's footsteps, and an army of monster-themed cereals began popping onto store shelves. Frankenberry, Boo Berry, and Yummy Mummy soon appeared, forcing Chocula into retirement, penniless and alone.

In an odd turn of events, a resurgence of pop-culture nostalgia has driven society's interest in keeping these cereal icons alive, and Chocula has most recently been seen hosting several major college sporting events [3], enjoying a success that far surpasses his food industry years.


Fresh, home-made Count Chocula.

edit The Sexual Term

A Count Chocula is also a sexual activity. During a Count Chocula one person drops their trousers and spreads their cheeks. Another person then pours milk into their butthole, proceeding to suck it out with a straw (preferably bendy) or scoop it out with a spoon.

Used in a sentence:

"After all the foreplay and heavy-petting, I sure was surprised when Sheila gave me a Count Chocula!"'

edit Trivia

edit Famous People that Perform Count Chocula

   v  d  e
All-American Role Models and Rejects
Adam West | Aunt Jemima | Billy Mays | Blue Beetle | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Burger King | Cheese Jesus | Christopher Walken | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Dolph Lundgren | Eric Cartman | George Carlin | Green Hornet | Hanson | Joe Camel | Kanye West | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Pedobear | Pillsbury Doughboy | Qin Shi Huang | Rick Astley | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom

edit References

  1. The Count in Recent News
  2. The Curse of Count Chocula
  3. Count Chocula's Toilet Bowl Statisticcs
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